Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Question: Hey Keith. Seems like your wife must be pretty cool to let you say such heinous shit about her online. Can you describe her for us?

My wife's like...

Rutger Hauer with more tears in the rain.
Mr. Belding's awkward twin sister.
Denzel Washington's ever growing paunch.
If Raggedy Andy got a sex-change.
Carmen Miranda with penises instead of bananas.
A bottom feeding fish that moans with displeasure when you flip it over.
A toilet-colored person that smells like a toilet.
Ernest Borgnine's cat that looks a lot like him.
That show, Designing Women.
An on-the-wagon four-and-a-half.
Seven ferrets in an Anna Kendrick suit.
The feeling you get when you poop, and then there's a second cramp, and it's likely diarrhea.
Real licorice.
A tantrum thrown by a baby panda because it can't get its glasses clean.
Roadkill with tits.
The feeling you get when a movie doesn't have a post-credit scene.
The feeling you get when a movie does have credit bloopers.
Punky Brewster regretting her breast reduction surgery.
Misreading the word annual as anal.
A facial menstrual cramp.
A smarmy chipmunk that knows you want to fuck it.
How Fleetwood Mac feels about each other.
Being in a live studio audience for the Red Wedding.
A hobo with a t-shirt gun, and all the t-shirts say, 'Hobos Piss in T-Shirts'.
A woman with hot boobs, a fat ass, and a penchant for room-shredding poofarts.

Short Answer: Don't worry, honey. You're a drunk nine for sure!

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