Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Question: Kathy Bates, Emo Philips, Ted Danson - Which one would you awkwardly junior high dance with (boner included)? Which one would you sensually rub with soft cheese and tuna? and which one would you abandon in a Black Friday Door Crasher line-up with no means of defense?

Because this is crazy, I'll try to find some parallels in reality.

You're kinda doing marry, fuck, kill. I guess the boner dance is the fucking, the line-up is the killing and, by default, the cheese/fish scenario is the marrying. (It makes sense. Rubbing things on people is tender, and denotes a lifetime commitment.)

So with those guidelines, let it be known that I think Kathy Bates is a tremendous actor. Because of this, I don't want her to die. She's also the only female - my particular sexual proclivity - so boners against her wouldn't be so bad. And because I'm a fan, marrying her wouldn't be so bad.

But...

I don't want to spread cheese and tuna on her! That's gross. So she gets the boner dance.

The rest is simple. Ted Danson gets the rub down, because he's the least gross. Emo Philips sucks and can die, so he can take Black Friday to the dome.

Short Answer: Outside of this scenario, I don't think Emo Philips should die. I get his value. But I didn't actually know his name, and was hoping this was the hot blonde from Wilson Phillips. That got him crushed in a capitalist riot, I'm afraid.

Note: Just looked up Chynna Phillips. She might have been aided in her hotness by that whole 'standing next to uggos' phenomenon.

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