Saturday, July 8, 2017

Question: Fruitcake anyone?

Boy, that's a hard sell.

My friend (who likely asked me this question) hired Timbaland a few years ago to help bring Fruitcakeback.


He candies/bottles/cans his own fruit, and I think he elbow-grinds the cake parts. I know for sure that he bathes the fucker in rum over and over again, like a six-month turkey baste.


The result is something very different than the doorstop fruitcake we're all accustomed to. The thing he makes as actually like a food. But even upon hearing the process and jumping on board his excitement train, its still hard to believe that fruitcake can be good.

Take it to the chorus.

When I was growing up, giving a fruitcake to someone - especially if it wasn't Christmas - was like telling the person you hated their whole family, and wished ill upon three consecutive generations. When we'd receive a fruitcake, we'd play a game called, 'now let's eat bricks' and we'd eat bricks instead.

Short Answer: It needs to be moist-ier, and it needs to have proper fruit, not those weird, hard troll testicle things. (Trolls have square testicles. You didn't know that? Ya idiot!)

Note/Fun Fact: Fruitcakes can be made over the span of years. My buddy has a cycle of one-year, two-year, and I think three-year fruitcakes. You just keep adding booze so they don't ever go bad. It's magical, because they slowly morph into a completely different kind of thing that's actually good.

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