Friday, July 7, 2017

Question: Can you come up with 5 cocktails, including recipe descriptions, that have names which when ordered could be mistaken for something dirty (sexy dirty / not dirt dirty)?

Oh, boy. The difference between sexy dirty and dirty dirty is a fine line for some. I get what you mean, you don't want the Dust Devil cocktail, but that doesn't mean the Felcher (Kahlua and clotted cream) isn't pretty fucking dirty and very, very un-sexy.

I'm gonna try to do this the way you want, and avoid my instincts. (Instinct example: Clamato, vodka, 2% milk and a raw egg: Sex on the Period.)

Here are five sexy cocktails, the kind that might make a woman a little horny. Not the kind that will send her running for the door. (Like the Sweaty Ballsack: gin, hose water and a pube.)

Okay, okay, here we go.

The Asshopper: Like a traditional Grasshopper, which is equal parts cream, creme de menthe and creme de cacoa. Instead, for the Asshopper, you change the proportions to be 3 parts chocolate liquor rather than 1. Making it browner.

(Damn. That's not sexy either, is it? Maybe I'm not good with sexy. Maybe you asked a guy who's good at poop jokes to be sexy-funny. Maybe you are the one who's made a mistake, here.)

Let's try again.

The Plan B: This is sexy, cause you know she'll take care of that shit when and if the condom breaks. It's a tumbler with three ounces of tequila, a lime wedge and four Vicodin. (Yes, she knows there's Vicodin in it. I'm not making a cocktail called the Cosby. Geez.) Anyway, after a few of these, her body will be so toxic that no sperm can survive, nor can any egg take purchase on her uterine wall. Sexy!

(Okay. That was bad, too. Oh, look! That's five cocktails!)

Short Answer: Did you really think I'd come up with a yummy drink with a coy title? Really? Oh, you did? Goddammit.

The Harvey Fingerbanger: vodka and orange juice, but instead of Galliano, some orea cookie crumbs to look like dirt under the fingernails.

Note: Fuck me! I was actually going to make up five cocktails at the end of this. I'm kind of a culinary guy, so I thought I could. But every time I try to think of a sexy name I think of something filthy, and then the cocktail gets totally gross. Bail!

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