Friday, June 30, 2017

Question: What's the least possible me you can be?

How much butts would a buttchuck would if a wouldbutt could chuck butts?

Who couldn't sleep last night and has a chafed penis? (Points to himself with his penis.) This fuckin' guy!

Went down the YouHole last night watching videos of 'instant-karma'. Those are basically scenes of someone being a dick, then getting their come-uppins in a timely fashion. Like when I yell, "All Balls In!" and my wife totally gets furled up.

If this was exercising, I'd be out of breath right now. This is like a comedy shuttle-run.

What the fuck was the question? Oh yeah, I'm so tired I started writing without selecting a question. Now I have to go and find one that fits. Gimme a second. (Gone so long you actually feel the lapse of time, despite this sentence being only the usual amount of spaces away from the previous one.)

Did you guys know that some people just leave their car doors open? That guy is going to be so pissed when he realizes I put way too much gas in his tank! Pranks!

Oh yeah. A question. Did I do that or not? I guess you'll never know when I did it. Just like when I have sex with my wife.

Short Answer: This question is appropriate because this answer is the most me I can be, so by default, the least possible you. Fuckers!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Question: Why does everything containing stevia extract taste like Satan's ball-sweat? Is that intentional?

I'm sorry to tell you this.

Stevia is Satan's ball-sweat! (This is how improv works. You make a joke, I go with it. Isn't this fun? Now you go. Oh yeah. You can't. Now I have to make all the jokes. Great.)

I like to think that stevia is made when Satan squeezes the ball-sweat straight from the sack of a guy named Steve. I also want to believe that Steve is a marginal offender, like, he was fined once for minor tax fraud and momentarily worshiped a graven idol. He's just kind of a douche, and his ball-sweat tastes the worst, so Satan butters up his hands and goes to town, kneading his balls until stevia seeps out of chodebox, runs down his spider-leggy pubes and into a vat marked, 'Straight to Vegans'.

(That was an unnecessary shot at vegans, it's just the word was the funniest one I could think of, and also, they're not going to notice how bad stevia is compared to their food, because they eat things that taste like sacks 'n' holes all the live long day.)

I guess the point is, I agree. I tried stevia in a soft drink, and it wasn't too bad. I guess I was fooled by all the other vile chemicals masking its flavor, because when I bought some packets of stevia extract to replace the sugar in my coffee, I used two and put the rest in the garbage where they belong, the whole time curious as to why it didn't say, 'Put Straight in the Garbage' on the package.

Short Answer: There's got to be some plants out there that are sweet, don't kill you, and don't taste like bush runoff. Agreed.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Question: Yep, you nailed that one, didn't you?

You must be one of the many ladies I've had coital relations with, because that's the sort of thing those ladies say. (The men are more verbose but that's because I do butts good.)

Here are some other things I've heard:

"You really cleaned out the corners."
"Way to investigate the cave-mouth."
"Thanks for airing out the old box."
"I appreciate how you tided up after yourself."
"Nice hand jive."
"How many people were inside me?"
"That was efficient."
"It's like I got asked to the prom by a werewolf."
"Natural lubricant is for suckers."
"I feel like the paperboy just collected."
"The cellar door was ajar."
"That was a lot of chucks, woodchuck."
"In Soviet Russia, backdoor is left open for you."
"Camel tits!"
"I can't believe you ate the whole thing!"
"That felt slippier."

Short Answer: Some of these are real. I'm not kidding. Good luck figuring out which ones.

Bonus True or False: Three days ago, someone in my bed said the phrase, "Work 'em like their not yours."

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Question: I remember you mentioning one time that you get mad when you're riding a bus because you hate having to listen to people talk. I've been getting that a lot, lately. What's to be done?

Here's almost every conversation.

"Your opinion is wrong. Here's my opinion."
"No, your opinion is wrong. Allow me to restate my opinion."
"Maybe you didn't understand my opinion. It's the right one."
"Just listen. My opinion."

Apparently you have to have a genius level intellect these days to understand the simple concept that opinions don't mean shit. If you're not willing to back up your opinion with reasoning, factual evidence, and personal experience, you're just spewing shit for your own self-aggrandizement or to be a contrarian.

I don't care about your preferences. I care about the story, the details. That's what makes a topic of conversation, and therefore the person involved in said conversation, interesting.

To answer your question, what you should do, what we should all do, is try to talk to people and set a better example. Only that's as exhausting and frustrating as trying to fuck a bum with a half-limp wang.

Earbuds. That's what you do. I am listening to something other than the outside world nearly eighty percent of the time, these days. And the number is climbing. Sure I'm eventually going to get hit by a bus because I'm paying more attention to Joe Rogan and Bill Burr yucking it up it up than to my surroundings, but I choose to believe it's worth it.

Short Answer: Why is that your opinion? How did you come to it? What are the points supporting your position? Too often people claim things are worse than other things, rather than explaining why they have the preference they do. Forgot better and worse. Think of your opinion as the topic sentence, and now you have an essay to write, motherfucker. And if you don't like that, shut the fuck up.

Note: I've said this a million times, and I'm nearly tired of saying it. Conversations are far easier between people when you understand the difference between 'like' and 'good'. I like that movie is a fine thing to say. You don't always have to write an essay. Sometimes you just like a thing. Neat. But if you say, 'that movie isn't good' and I disagree, you'd better be ready for my reasoned argument. And then, you don't get to say some bullshit like, 'Oh, I just go to the movies for fun. I don't think about it that deeply.' Then don't fucking say it wasn't good! That's an indictment of its quality, not your personal opinion. You don't get to say whatever you want, use whatever words you want, and then be annoyed when someone responds negatively to you. You don't get to control my response! Everyone, listen up! You don't get to control anyone's response! Leave people alone and watch your own shit.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Question: Garfoats.

You win.

That's funny. I'll play along - assuming I even get this - but I think you've already done the best one.


Wait, wait, wait...I fucked up! I saw 'Garfoats' and thought 'Garfunkel and Oates', then I thought, right, famous musical duos. But Garfunkel and Oates is a comedy duo! Also, 'oats' is not 'oates', so I could have totally missed the point of this one!

What the fuck do I do now? Figuring out the above musical duos probably wasn't fun for anyone, because the question would've had to have been 'Garmon' or 'Sifunkel' to set the proper precedent.

Short Answer: Bail.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Question: Careful. That's hot.

I feel like I've been directly commenting on the question a lot recently. Is that a habit I'm forming or a commentary on the oddness of the questions?

Shut-up! I answer the questions here.

I tried to think of a way to do one of those stream-of-consciousness lists for this, but I couldn't think of anything funny about hot stuff.

The only way this is funny is if it'a a lady friend of mine who quotes this as I'm reaching out to touch her behind.

"Careful, that's hot," she says, all sexy-like.
Then I'd be all like, "Why? Did you fart?"
She'd say, "What's wrong with you?"
Me: "'Cause a fart shouldn't be hot for long. Do you have a dump brewing?"
"Keith? What's wrong with you?"
"I can wait, I guess, if you need to go. But it's not very arousing knowing you just took a shit."
"I don't have to take a shit."
"Oh. Now you've got me thinking about it, though. When was the last time you did?"
"I don't know. This morning? Why are we talking about this?"
"You brought it up!"
"No, I didn't! I was trying to be sexy!"
"Dumps aren't sexy, babe."
"Get out of my cubicle."

Short Answer: That was kind of a neat way to service the stream-of-consciousness idea. Interesting. After writing 'stream-of-consciousness' for the second time, my brain went to 'cream-of-mushroom soup'. I hate that shit. There are some foods that Campbell's just can't pull off, you know? Gotta make that yourself. Use your own cream. I mean real cream. Dammit.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Question: How's that butt?


Did you do something to my butt?

I'm not sure what the deal is with this question. It might be completely innocuous, but how often is that the case?

I did have a pretty hot butt in High School. That was kind of my thing. Though I didn't participate in many school activities toward the end of my sentence there, I was a little disappointed that I didn't win in the best ass category. (That shit was rigged - some super-popular dude with no ass won.)

So, if it's about that, the answer is: not good. I'm old, now, and part of that butt went away, and a different part got bigger. You might still like it, but that's because your eyes have grown old, too. And sad.

If this was more of a general question: butt's good. Thanks for asking.

Short Answer: I still have a mighty large penis, if this is an inquiry about sexual relations. My tongue is also fluent in puss-and-bottom-work.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Question: Top Ten Stupid Words?

The capitals make it seem like it already exists, like there's no way I can dodge the question...


Do you mean words that stupid people say, or words that are used incorrectly, or words that just sound dumb? Maybe I'll try to do a list of each one to illustrate the differences.

Words Stupid People Say/Overuse

10) Basically
9) Junk
8) Essentially
7) Like
6) Listen/Look (when about to make a condescending point: double stupid)
5) Stuff
4) Actually
3) Whole Nother
2) Literally
1) You know

Words That Are Used Incorrectly

10) Nonplussed (means you're bothered)
9) Enormity (means bad, not big)
8) Conversate (not a word)
7) Peruse (means to look in depth)
6) Irregardless (not a word)
5) Effect (or Affect, take your pick)
4) Plethora (means an excess of things, not a lot of things)
3) Compelled (to be forced)
2) Bemused (confused, not amused)
1) Literally (often used instead of figuratively)

Words That Just Sound Dumb

10) Orientate (Why not orient?)
9) Poo (Sounds dumber than poop.)
8) Aggressiveness (Isn't that just aggression?)
7) Juxtaposition (You're looking for the word 'contrast', college student.)
6) Literally (Yes, I put this in every category.)
5) Booger (Maybe it's the two 'O's thing.)
4) Lovemaking (Worst word for that thing.)
3) Actually (I don't think it's possible to sound as dumb as when you say actually for no reason, like you're correcting an opposing opinion that no one has.)
2) Fleek/Cray-Cray/Lit/Woke... (Does this need to be explained? If you think you sound cool, you're beyond hope so don't worry about it. If you think these are dumb, and only you can use them in a cool, ironic way, you're beyond hope, so don't worry about it.)
1) Disingenuous (This is a weird one and needs some explanation. I thought this word meant presenting yourself as if you know something you don't, or know a lot of something that you know little of. Now it seems to be acceptable to use this word more broadly to mean 'not genuine'. Which is arguably still correct, but it sounds strange to me.)

Short Answer: I'm not judgy about this stuff. I'll participate in these conversations because the content is fun, but I completely understand that language is fluid, and the masses win out over our individual senses of right and wrong. I gave in to the nauseous/nauseated thing years ago, because I decided that battle was lost, and I say 'like' all the fuggin' time.


Correct: (1% of the time)
You look twenty! How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Incorrect: (99% of the time)
How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Question: What movies make you cry?

I'm so sorry to disappoint. I get the feeling you wanted me to list some movies, maybe even do a top ten.

I cry in all the movies all the time. If a movie does a decent job making me care about the characters - which I believe is movie's first and most important job - then I will cry to some degree. If the movie is a heavy drama with relatable struggles, I'll cry multiple times. If a movie is well-made, full of emotion, and full of tragedy, I'll cry the whole time.

To list all the movies that make me cry would be similar to listing all of my favorite films, and that's an undertaking I'm not yet ready for.

I've even been known to cry in specific situations in movies that aren't otherwise very good. Anything about loyalty in a friendship, or love between a father and a son, or the struggle of being an artist, and I'm a leaking like a man recently shot in the bladder.

Short Answer: You know what movies don't make me cry? Movies that are trying to make me cry but don't put in the proper work. Just kidding. Those make me cry, too.

Note: If you want one example, I remember crying so hard at the end of V for Vendetta that when I left the theater I had to hover there for a little while, both to get my composure, and because I didn't want to leave the vicinity of the experience. I think rebellion against authority is a hot-button for my cry-sack.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for twice in your life?

Let's put a stop to this.

You likely know that I answer every question sent to me. This means that you can safely send in a question and know I'm not judging its worth. I may poke fun during the answer, but at least I've given you the respect of taking your participation seriously and including your question on blog.

Yesterday I was asked 'Why don't you be funny for once in your life?" which I of course answered. Today, I'm answering this. If tomorrow, I receive "Why don't you be funny thrice in your life?" I will not be answering.

Though I will be impressed by the inclusion and use of the word 'thrice'.

Seeing that we're on the subject, here's another few questions I won't be answering.

'If you could make up noises for comic books actions, what new ones would you come up with?' - Brrrrunk didn't go over well with Marvel, so I've lost my confidence.

'What color underwear do you underwear?' - I won't answer this for two reasons. A) My underwear color is normal. B) This question is too funny already. I can't make it any better.

'When you have sex with your wife, do you ever film it?' - This is too dumb to think about. You film having sex with your girlfriend, mistress or favorite hooker, not with your wife. Ya idiot.

Short Answer: Have I just answered all those questions despite saying I wouldn't? Yes. Was I just trying to be funny in the first place? Yes. Did I ask myself this question today, turning everything you thought was real on its head? Of course maybe.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for once in your life?

Thanks, Mom.

Tom Arnold.

There. If you don't think having that man dumped into your brain isn't funny, I don't know what is. What the fuck is with that guy, right? I just heard a story about the time he left a fucked-up note on Julia Louis-Dreyfus's car because she parked in his spot, and nothing about the story was surprising. If'd they'd said, "Tom Arnold approached her in the female toilet wearing a clown wig and eating dried barley from a plastic pumpkin, while singing an ode to his own nut sack" I'd be like, "Sounds about right."

Gary Busey.

Jesus christ, Gary Busey. Time to lay into the anti-psychotics like it's two free sides hour at the totally insane buffet. Anyone ever see that show about the dude who just followed Busey around? It's pure madness.

A crocodile contemplating his choices at the drive through.

Writing a spec script for Small Wonder.

Having to follow Roseanne Barr around like you're an elephant poop-cleaner-upper, with a trough and a broom, tidying her continuous flow of detritus. (She was married to Tom Arnold! Married? Can you imagine that shit show? That's gotta be the greatest hits of un-erotic foreplay followed by the Olympics of gross fucking.)

Short Answer: I decided to stop because I've become entangled in this sitcom hell, dominated by images of fat people doing moist, flappy things to one another's fat pockets. Doesn't get much less funny than that. (When I have sex it's like's the pairing of two magnificent stallions. Wait, I mean, there's one stallion and someone's getting railed. Sometimes it's the stallion I guess, but there's a mare present. She's uninterested unless the stallion is squealing, is magnificent, in it's way. And then the stallion cries.)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Question: Have you been watching the new Twin Peaks? If so, what are your thoughts?

I have.

This prompts me to talk about a few important things.

First, I've been thinking a lot lately about how we consume content, and in particular, what role mood and current life circumstances play in the enjoyment of a thing. I've recently decided that though I'm completely comfortable giving my opinion about a film on first viewing I often have a different opinion upon second viewing. Not just that, but I usually feel that the second viewing is the more informed, having shrugged all of the expectation, hope or fear that one unknowingly brings to a first experience. (Don't get me wrong, I believe that initial reaction still has great value, and think that separating it from our overall opinion after many viewings could create a whole new way of categorizing and discussing film. I'd love to discuss the difference between First Viewing Experience and Official Critique on a more regular basis.)

Having said that, I've noticed a correlation between my current life circumstances and my enjoyment of absurd, strange and challenging content. I've always been partial to look outside the mainstream - Michael Haneke is one of my most cherished creators - but I've hit an all new high this year.

Because of that, the new Twin Peaks is going down oh, so smooth, baby. In fact, I'm enjoying it on such a level that I'm proclaiming, multiple times per episode, the phrase, "This is awesome" with wide-eyed disbelief.

Having said that...this shit's not for everyone. Not even close. I think it's safe to say that if you're a Lynch fan, or even a fan of the approach a man like Lynch takes, you'll enjoy the newest version of Twin Peaks.

Short Answer: I used to believe that I went into movies feeling very level. I thought I'd trained myself to be good at that. This is not the case. This was an illusion. I cried watching Age of Apocalypse and loved it. Second viewing, saw a million problems I hadn't seen the first time. But beyond that, I also believe that a second viewing is truer because it's by definition more informative. Experiencing a thing twice is going to give you more data, and more data equals a truer result. I'm even starting to think movies that have a consistent showing over two or three viewings may deserve a special, incredible film category of their own. (To me, that means they didn't tug at the heartstrings in a prepared, predatory or formulaic way. That, among other things, is one of the discussion I'd like to have moving forward. How some 'good' movies only make you feel by nefarious means. They don't earn the feels; they set them up, like a drunk driving commercial, whereas a great movie makes you care about the characters, and then you feel by relating to them. They earn their emotional reactions. What's the difference? Figuring that out is why the discussion could be fun!)

Note: If you don't know what I'm talking about, I think Pixar is a good example. Some of those movies, man, I don't know...

Friday, June 16, 2017

Question: What would you say to Kurt Cobain?

I find this question funny, because I think one of the main problems Kurt Cobain had was that he didn't really like being famous, and by default, probably didn't want to deal with people recognizing him and bothering him all the time.

So the answer is, I wouldn't say anything to Kurt Cobain.

Short Answer: I suppose if there was a situation where I knew I wasn't bothering him, and it was a casual forum like a tea/cocktail party, and he seemed like he was in a good mood, I might say, "Don't kill yourself?" but with a question-marky sound at the end. Then we'd both laugh, and he'd go kill himself anyway, because no one was going to be able to say the perfect thing to stop it.

Note: Nirvana rules. (The band, not the state of being. Thought that rules too. I know because I'm hella-enlightened.)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Question: Are you British?

No I am not.

Are you British?

(Waits. Remembers how this works.)

Right. I am not British. I'm from Newfoundland, which is about as close to Britain as you can get, except of course for all those colonies where the British imposed themselves on the native population, making every fucker everywhere drink tea.

Seriously, though, NFLD is a whole lot of English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh. And you know what we did when we got together? Very little! We fished until they wouldn't let us, then complained because they couldn't stop us.

That doesn't sound very positive. Just like the British!

Short Answer: Let me see if I've got the British/NFLD connection right. The weather is shitty and we think we're better than you. Yep. Checks out.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Question: What color cars look better in the shade?

Is this part of the ongoing attempt to make me say things that can later be construed as actual racism?

The answer, of course, is black ones!

What the fuck is with this question? It's not quite one of those lyric questions I get once in a while, because those don't alter the lyric. This is some other sort of diabolical pursuit.

So this was a song by Gino Vanelli. For the sake of humour, I often lie, but this time the truth is funnier, so I'll go with that. I didn't know shit about Gino Vanelli. I never much cared for this song. Turns out, this dude won a bunch of Juno awards for 'Promising Male Vocalist' in the seventies. Most interesting thing I learned was that after the success of earlier projects and then this album 'Black Cars', he decided not to tour. He didn't tour for twelve years, when touring might have garnered a tonne of cash and quite possibly increased fame.

Okay, hold on. I'm going to go listen to some of his other shit. Be back in a line break.

Wild Horses is pretty sweet. Forgot that was him. Oh shit, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins just came up! Nothing to do with Gino. Man, that song used to give me an adolescent boner. Anyway, back to Gino.

I see, I see. The 70s stuff is soul-ier. I Just Wanna Stop is pretty badass. I guess this is an example of a talented dude doing soul music who got caught up - and had some success - with the more distinctive sounds of the 80s.

Short Answer: I don't know if it was the point of the question, but we all learned a lot today.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Question: Shirts or skins?

I'm surprised no one has asked me this before. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

I'm definitely a shirts guy, because in most things, you're paying closer attention to the other team than yourself and your own team. This way, you get to see way more nudity.

Well, now I'm already second guessing myself. My first thought was something like volleyball or basketball where you're focused across the net or on your defensive assignment, but I suppose if you were playing, say, baseball, you'd be seeing your own team a lot more. And then there are sports like soccer or rugby where you're kinda seeing everyone the same amount.

I guess my answer is whatever maximizes my ass-seeing fun. I also think we should go shirts or skins on the bottom sometimes. It's a great way to see lots of bits, because t-shirts don't hide things very much, and because you have to tie them around your waist with those little arms they fall off all the time! Unless you try to make a diaper out of your shirt - and succeed - it's a win win in terms of exposed genitals.

My favorite thing is when I'm watching a sport or refereeing a sport, and they go skins-skins, because they're having so much fun. This can be confusing in some sports, but the trade-off is that people having that much don't care about the score anyway, and they bounce around a lot to boot. That's flappy dicks and slappy tits for the win!

Short Answer: Can't go much beyond that whole flappy-slappy thing, can we?

Monday, June 12, 2017

Question: What are some things we don't know about you that would surprise us?

Are you asking this question in a group?

That's pretty weak as 'picking on the question' openers go. I get that you're phrasing your question in such a way that it sounds like there are a community of readers with large enough fandom that it's right to assume they're all interested in me personally.

Thanks, Mom.

I like the movie The Devil Wears Prada.
I used to be an athlete, gifted due to my creativity.
My wife is older than I am.
I wear shoes until they fall apart.
I'm not a fan of people who sing with accents.
I'm bothered by sound.
I don't own a cardigan.
I wish the temperature was always between 16 and 18 degrees centigrade.
I'm sensitive enough that external negativity affects my mood.
I think the word 'darkness' is overused.
I'm programmed to always be editing, even when I'm not writing, so listening to people speak feels like work.
Riding the bus makes me sad.
I have about ten distinctive stress dreams. I'll suffer one approximately once a week.
I remember my page when I put a book down.
I don't like logistics.

Short Answer: As I grow older, my opinions are becoming more fluid, not more rigid as is the norm.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Question: What tastes good?

Soap and lemonade.
Toothpaste and chocolate milk.
Blue cheese and salmon.
Tinfoil and hot sauce.
Marmite and custard.
Horseradish and Corn Pops.
Russian dressing and cantaloupes.
Tomato sauce and banana bread.
Grape flavored gum and sharp cheddar.
White vinegar and cream soda.
Soft-boiled eggs and creme fresh.
Beer and Bailey's.

Short Answer: Socks aren't a food, but, you socks. (Just realized, this means I think tinfoil is a food. Dammit.)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Question: If an elephant can paint itself, why can't I?

Let me just check on this for a second...

Yep. You're an idiot.

The reason you can't do things is your mom was an alcoholic.
The reason you can't do things is your gene pool consists of many men named Gene.
The reason you can't do things is your mom monstertrucked while you were in the womb.
The reason you can't do things is your mom dropped you on your head while she was enduring subtle but effective emotional abuse from your father.
The reason you can't do things is your real father is a prop comic.
The reason you can't do things is you were so turned around in the womb, your mom had to have a B-section.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's favorite episode of Dallas was the one after JR got shot.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's sperm had lazy eyes.
The reason you can't do things is you were conceived only as an abstraction.
The reason you can't do things is because your mom thought train tracks were laid down by the train as it passed.
The reason you can't do things is your mom was a founding member of the 'punch yourself the pain away' movement.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's penis works like a woodpecker.
The reason you can't do things is all the hairspray.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's womb had shag carpet.

Short Answer: That's about enough of what your mom said after one prenatal class!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Question: Now that the DCEU is flying with Wonder Woman, can we expect Robin? And could you cast him?

I was just thinking about this.

The DC Extended Universe is now a thing, officially, thanks to the success of Wonder Woman. Does that mean it will be good moving forward? Fuck no, but it means that they'll commit to this post Justice League, and in a big way, at least until a Wonder Woman sequel flops.

So, Robin. Assuming we're still getting a solo Batman movie, there's hope for the greatest sidekick in all of comicdom to finally make a proper, respectful appearance.

Here's a list of prospective castings and angles.

Many people think that the way the DCEU is set up, there's already been a Dick Grayson and a Jason Todd. This would be awesome, because then you can easily dive into some Nightwing, some Tim Drake, and some Red Hood.

So, first off, I think of Logan Lerman. I think he'd be a great Tim Drake. Also, there's this dude Dylan Minette who could totally pull it off. But you could go geekier with Tim, so the sky's the limit for young talent out there.

As for Nightwing, my mind always goes to Matt Bomer. He works especially well in this universe where Batman is older. Adam Driver has been rumored, and that would be ridiculous and amazing, but I don't see it happening. Unless it was a solo Nightwing project that he could sink his insane acting chops into.

You could also totally pull of a female Robin in this universe. Already Jena Malone was rumored to be Carrie Kelly, but they could go Stephanie Brown easily, maybe even with someone older. My mind goes to Ana de Armas, though she's perhaps a bit too old. I think she can play it younger, though, and she's got a great look for the Snyder-verse.Of course Anna Kendrik's name gets tossed around for all this shit, from Squirrel Girl to Batgirl, and so I could see them wanting to work her in. Oh, and another of my faves who doesn't get enough play is Teresa Palmer. She could totally be Spoiler/Robin/Batgirl. (Also too old? Maybe?)

Of course they could skip over the rest and go straight to Damian Wayne. That casting is impossible, because there's no way they'll bank on some actual little dude. They'll probably grow him up, and then who know what he'll look like?

Short Answer: Some other randos for Robin or Nightwing include: Dave Franco, Zac Effron, and the oft-mention Joseph Gordon-Levitt, though fuck that last one. He was already Batman. He was. If you didn't get that, you're dumb.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Live Musical Performances?

I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm not quite sure what this one means. Pretty sure it's not supposed to be, like, Guys and Dolls and shit. It could be favorite 'live' performances, like live albums and maybe even concert movies. It's most likely, I've decided, asking about the best performance I've seen live with my very own glazballs.

Top Ten Live Performances

10) Haywire - This was the first concert I ever went to! I was blown away, with nothing to compare it to. I think it was a pretty good show, in retrospect, especially for a few boys from Prince Edward Island.
9) Motorhead - Lemmy was as advertised. This concert might be higher, except it was by far the loudest concert I ever went to, and undoubtedly fucked up my hearing forever.
8) AC/DC - Another one that didn't disappoint. I've been very lucky over the years to see bands that should totally rock the house, that you want to sound a certain way, and they deliver on both fronts.
7) The Cure - This was a great show, save for the fact that I had to watch the chick in front of me dance the whole time, rather than seeing the stage.
6) Scorpions - Same show as #5, just me and my buddy Dan, pumping our fists to the greatness that is these fuckers. Got to see the drummer break a beer bottle over his head after his fat solo.
5) Motley Crue - Same show as #6 with more female nudity.
4) Grapes of Wrath - A bonding experience between my wife and I, as we both loved these guys when we were younger. I even got to meet them, which is a rare thing, because I hate meetings.
3) Megadeth - I might have listened to this concert sitting in the back with ear plugs in. I blame Motorhead.
2) Metallica - Finally got to see Metallica years after their 'prime'. It was for a concert movie, so they played all of their hits. Awesome.
1) David Bowie - I couldn't have asked for more from Bowie. He wore jeans and a leather jacket, hardly moved from the mic, and delivered each gigantic hit with exacting precision.

Short Answer: Shout out to the kindness of others. Over the years, many shows I've seen have been because a friend came to town and handed me an extra ticket. Either that or my wife refused sex-touching if I didn't accompany her. That's why I went to Glass Tiger, which is playing in the background right now, which is weird.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Question: What are your top ten collaboration songs?

Collaboration means working with someone else, which is far too broad a definition to make a list. I guess what we're looking for here is solo acts with other solo acts? Though bands are in fact people working in collaboration, they have to be excluded, therefore I choose to exclude 'super-groups' as well.

Now, I'll proceed with breaking these rules as necessary.

Favorite Song Collaborations

10) Walk This Way by Aerosmith and Run DMC - Kinda had to be here, right?
9) Hunger Strike by members of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden - Technically these guys were called Temple of the Dog but it can't be a super group because no one knew them yet. Weak defense! Rule broken!
8) The Next Time I Fall by Peter Cetera and Amy Grant - Didn't I tell you to shut up?
7) Young Americans by David Bowie and Various Artists (including Luther Vandross) - I guess I mean the song, but I kind of mean the whole album. For his ninth studio album, Bowie said, "Fuck this, I'm going to Philly," and he did, and worked with many rad dudes to make his soul record.
6) (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - When I was young, I thought I liked Dirty Dancing less than everyone else. Turns out, that fucker keeps popping up on my music lists.
5) Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee - You know, Kiki Dee! The famous one of the pair.
4) Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me by George Michael and Elton John - Ah, shit. George Michael is dead.
3) Say Say Say by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney - Their fallout was legendary, but this came from their partnership.
2) While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles and Eric Clapton - I decided to leave 'guest spots' out of the list, but this is the greatest one ever, if it even qualifies. (Also, to be specific, this is a George Harrison-penned song.)
1) Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie - This has to be at the top of the list because it's one of the best Queen songs and one of the best Bowie songs.

Short Answer: Apparently, hip hop artists collaborate a lot. Who knew?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Question: What are the top ten songs of your youth?

Song week continues.

Before I get into it, here's a joke my subconscious came up with this morning;

Q: If you can't remember its name, how are you going to call your dog?
A: Don't worry. It'll come to me.

Youth is a lot of time. Going to try to keep it before my 'pre-taste' years, when I didn't know shit. Say, before the age of ten?

Top Ten Songs of My Youth (Pre-Tween Edition)

10) Mony Mony by Billy Idol - Rocked a lip sync to this pretty hard when I was in grade three.
9) Freedom Overspill by Steve Winwood - Had this compilation tape that I played over and over again in the late 80s. Wish I could remember the name.
8) Foolish Beat by Debbie Gibson - Shut up!
7) Dogs by Pink Floyd - Yea, I got a pretty early start on Floyd. Think I was about nine years old.
6) Perfect Strangers by Deep Purple - That riff felt hard to me at the time. Little did I know that it was Iommi's bag to do that shit.
5) Be My Baby by the Ronettes - Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Used to dance to this with my mom.
4) Let's Hear it for the Boy by Deniece Williams - Footloose soundtrack. Wore this tape out.
3) Your Mama Don't Dance by Poison - A Loggins and Messina song, dressed up for the hair metal age.
2) Nikita by Elton John - This isn't even close to one of my favorite Elton John songs now that I've gone back with some intelligence, but when I was a kid, this shit blew my mind.
1) Excitable by Def Leppard - This was my first true love: Hysteria by Def Leppard in 1997. Becuase there were so many hits, I did that thing were I went to the far side of the album, the second last song, to pick my own personal favorite. Then I played the pants off it. Might have even choreographed a dance...

Short Answer: Wow. This really took me back. Attempting to be truthful dug up some unexpected treasures.

Honorable Mentions: Under Your Spell by Candi and the Backbeat, Is This Love by Whitesnake, Dance Desire by Haywire, Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, Faith by George Michael.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Queen songs?

Shaping up to be song list week.

I like to think that Queen is everyone's de facto second favorite band, because they're always in the best band ever conversation, but somehow always a bridesmaid. I love Queen.

That's enough of a preamble.

Top Ten Queen Songs

10) Who Wants to Live Forever
9) I'm Going Slightly Mad
8) The Show Must Go On
7) I Want to Break Free
6) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Somebody to Love
4) You're My Best Friend
3) Under Pressure
2) Crazy Little Thing Called Love
1) Killer Queen

Short Answer: As you can imagine, too many great songs to bother with honorable mentions. That's the mark of being one of the greatest bands of all time. Someone else's list may be seventy percent different. (Also, though I've said it before, I'd like to point out that Killer Queen is one of my top ten favorite songs of all time.)

Note: Just for fun, and to prove a point about Queen's Greatness, I'm going to do a B-List. (I guess this is just 20-11, but that's not as fun.)

Top Ten Queen Songs - the B-List!

10) Don't Stop Me Now
9) We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions
8) Keep Yourself Alive
7) Bicycle Race
6) Radio Ga Ga
5) Princes of the Universe
4) Flash's Theme
3) Another One Bites the Dust
2) Fat Bottomed Girls
1) I Want it All

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Question: What are the top ten Chris Cornell songs, Ask Keith Anything (personal favourites edition)?

That was fast.

Gonna go with ones he performed or covered, as well as originals.

Fuck, there's too many. Maybe a Soundgarden list, then a Cornell list?

Top Ten Chris Cornell w/Soundgarden Songs

10) Been Away Too Long (King Animal)
9) Let Me Drown (Superunknown)
8) Black Hole Sun (Superunknown)
7) Burden in My Hand (Down on the Upside)
6) Head Down (Superunknown)
5) Slaves and Bulldozers (Badmotorfinger)
4) Rusty Cage (Badmotorfinger)
3) Fell on Black Days (Superunknown)
2) Outshined (Badmotorfinger)
1) Jesus Christ Pose (Badmotorfinger)

Top Ten Chris Cornell Songs (My Personal Faves/Performances)

10) Cochise ( w/Audioslave)
9) Redemption Song (Bob Marley cover)
8) Like a Stone (w/Audioslave or unplugged solo)
7) One (U2 music w/Metallica lyrics)
6) You Know My Name (Bond theme from Casino Royale)
5) Fell on Black Days (acoustic Soundgarden song)
4) Call Me a Dog (w/Temple of the Dog or unplugged solo)
3) Seasons (Singles Soundtrack)
2) Hunger Strike (w/Temple of the Dog)
1) Nothing Compares 2 U (Prince cover)

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Billie Jean (Michael Jackson cover), Mission 2000 (from Mission Impossible:2), Blow Up the Outside World (Down on the Upside), Live to Rise (Avengers Soundtrack), Better Man (Pearl Jam cover), everything else on Superunknown and Badmotorfinger.

Note: I ended up omitting his entire solo catalog. It's too much, and needs its own dedicated list. If you believe, as I do, that there was quality in everything he did, go check those albums out.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Question: I like when you do song lists, and I actually DO look up the songs and listen to them in a row! (I'm a pretty big fan.) Can you do a new list for me? Loves ya!

Way to sign that like you were a kid writing in a year book. Loves ya! Have a great summer! Drink lots!

That's what I do, folks. I take a nice, sweet, genuine question from a fan, and I make fun of it. If that's not why you like this shit, I don't know from nothin'.

I do appreciate the sentiment, and I love that you actually listen to the lists. I just wish you'd given me more of a prompt. Looking back over all my music lists, I see that I've covered a lot of ground, from funerals, to pooping, to riding home in the car with your mom. Maybe I can extrapolate a list from your question...

There aren't a lot of great 'list' songs, and Kiss On My List by Hall & Oates wins pants down, anyway. How about new things? Nah, that's comin' up a bit of a bust, too. Loves too broad a topic, there's not enough 'DO' songs. Shit. I'm at a loss.

I guess I could just take on board that you wanted me to do whatever I'm in the mood to do.

But you're not going to like it...

Top Ten Songs I Listened to Recently

(That's right, fuckers! Literally the least amount of work I could possibly do!)

10) The Stone Roses - Fool's Gold
9) FM Attack - Magic
8) Sam Smith - Writing's On the Wall
7) Metallica - Here Comes Revenge
6) Selena Gomez - Love You Like a Love Song
5) Tame Impala - The Less I Know the Better
4) Apocalyptica - Wherever I May Roam
3) Muse - Reapers
2) Wham! - Careless Whisper
1) Soundgarden - Jesus Christ Pose

Short Answer: Should've probably done a Chris Cornell list. Let me know if you'd like to see that.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Question: Have you seen Wonder Woman yet?

Jesus Christ, it's only been out for one day!

Yes, I've seen it.

I'm not going to give a review, not today. It's too early. I want people to have a chance to see it before I unintentionally spoil something.

In fact if you've read this far, you're probably stupid. Why are you taking the risk? What if I let something slip?

Like...there are muppets in it!

Short Answer: There are no muppets in it. (Technically, also a spoiler.)

Note; Because this answer sucked, let me extrapolate. I love the character of Wonder Woman! I think she's awesome. And I think it's awesome that a woman directed her movie. And I think there are lots of good things going on. So be happy!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Question: How high does a colour have to count before it can change shape?

What a way to start off a new month here on Ask Keith Anything. Those drugs are good; pass them over. I'm assuming a bag of mushrooms, or maybe a bag of glue, or possibly a bag of shitbat nuts.

There's so much to unpack, here. First of all, let's address what this question supposes. That, 1) colours (not american 'colors') can count. 2) Colours can change shape. 3) Colours have a shape. 4) Counting high enough makes something change its shape.

Let's assume some to all of these statements are true. So the hypothesis is: things can count high enough to alter their physical appearance. Okay? Now because we don't see this happening in nature all that often (shut-up, cuttlefish), my assumption is that you have to count very, very high. I'm also going to theorize that on the scale of 'shit happening when you count' changing your shape is far beyond some of the other things that can happen. Here's my best guess.

Counting to one million: Crisis of identity/faith/preference.
Counting to one hundred million: Spontaneous combustion.
Counting to a billion: Change of political affiliation.
Counting to one hundred billion: Altering your very molecular structure so as to appear different to others.
Counting to a trillion: Kaitlyn Jenner

All right, all right! That's a cheap shot. But I never got in on that whole thing. I really didn't know where the humour was (except what South Park did with her), and I just found it, it just happened. I swear it.

Not bad, though, right? You know she read for Superman? Even put on the cape and tights? There's funny in there, whether you like it or not. Many of her political beliefs are unpalatable! Right?

Short Answer: My assumption is that a color doesn't have the capacity to count overly long or high. Their lifespan alone would keep them from ever doing anything more than the crisis of identity. So I guess what I'm saying, drug-addled reader, is that with great effort, a color can change its color. But not its stripes! Ha! See what I did there? Kaitlyn Jenner.