Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Question: Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?

Jesus Christ! Am I about to get murdered?

There are some very unsettling things about this question. First of all, is the sing-song aspect, kinda like it's an adult pretending to be a clown child. And what's with the capital on 'Tell' and the other capitalized T in 'sTory'? Is that a code? What's TT mean? Is it bad? Was this question asked by Audi? Am I going to get killed by an Audi?

And Mr. Keith? I know that's the only recognizable name in Ask Keith Anything, but it ain't my last name.

Finally, and maybe this is because I'm already disturbed, the lack of a comma before Mr. Keith is also off-putting. Like the whole thing is said with a certain syntax, perhaps with a foreign accent. I'm guessing...a hell one. Like it's being said while sucking air through sharpened teeth.

How do you not see this sentence and fix it? How do you not go, "Oh, shit. I put some weird capitals in this bitch." I know how. 'Cause you're a hungry demon, horns festooned with the entrails of your last six-to-eight victims.

Here's a story. One time there was a happy prince. His name wasn't Mr. Keith, that's for fuckin' sure. He lived in a one-bedroom, castle with heat and hot water included, with his princess who had big boobs and didn't like moving around during sex. One day he got a raven in the mail, and it was all like, "Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?" He strangled that raven to death with great vigor, dragged his wife from the royal couch and said, "We gettin' the fuck outta here." And he did.

Short Answer; The end.


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