Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Question: Can you hula hoop?

I think anyone with co-ordination can hula hoop. That's not to say that I don't look like a recently caught fish trying to learn the samba when I'm doing it.

How do I extrapolate on that terrific answer?

Ever seen a kid try to hula hoop? They're super dumb. Man, I hate kids.

Short Answer: This took a dark turn. I'm out.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Question: What would it be like if an octopus was a human?

I can't quite tell what's wrong with this question. It's subtle. Maybe a second-language issue? Or maybe - just maybe - we've got an octopus out there masquerading as a human!

Fuck you, ya dirty octopus!

I'm not sure which angle is the correct one. Are we talking a human with octopus traits and/or parts, or is it the other way around?

Like, is it a human with oily poops, or an octopus with a taste for genocide?
Is it a human that can squeeze through a small hole (as long as his beak fits through), or an octopus with a favorite Baskin Robbins flavor?
Is it a human with four extra limbs, or an octopus who lost half of his in a terrible watermine accident?

I guess a human octopus would be incredible at killing, whereas an octopus human would be better at drowning.

That pretty much sums it up.

Short Answer: Anime would be very popular in either scenario.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Question: Do you pick scabs off?

I knew I'd addressed this before:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/09/question-ive-got-this-really-nasty-scab.html

I think that about covers it.

Short Answer: Oh, right. Do I do it? Not really. Wait, do you want me to pick your scab off? Fuck no! Well, maybe. How much?

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Question: Tell me a joke, Keithy?

Jesus. You send one group email wherein you refer to yourself as Keithy...

Here's a joke I just made-up the other night: Your mama's so fat, she goes to great widths to avoid things.

Now I have to do that thing where I make up a new joke on the spot. Here goes: Your mama's so ugly, she has to wear a Clint Howard mask in public.

That's not bad. Let's go once more: Your mama's so stupid, she thought Bill Nye was an actual science guy.

Oh. That's just mean! Now I feel a bit bad. I've been listening to a lot of smart people talk big ideas, recently, and it was revealed to me that Bill Nye's credentials are quite meager compared to many other science activists and advocates. I don't know the guy, and my instinct is that despite his education, it's good that he's out there promoting science. Maybe he shouldn't be the poster boy for debate and scientific discussion, but...what do I know? Listening to experts teaches you one thing; you ain't no expert.

Fooled you! Ask Keith Anything knows all! The facade wasn't dropped in the slightest! That wasn't a peek into Keithy's real life. How dare you think I wasn't playing a prank on you! You turds!

Short Answer: Your answer was so short, the person who asked the question was all like, "Is it in, yet?" Burn on Keithy!


Saturday, May 27, 2017

Question: Which musical would best describe your life?

I'm so sorry to do this to you.

I was about to do a bunch of research, maybe even a top ten. I started the preliminary thinking, got through a few musicals I'm familiar with without much luck - Guys 'n' Dolls, Hello Dolly - then it hit me.

La La Land is about the artist's struggle, and how taxing it is to follow your creative dreams. All the tough choices and sacrifices you make, all the heartbreak and dedication to the goal. I don't have to do research to know that's the closest story to my own daily struggle.

Short Answer: The Phantom of the Opera also speaks to me, on account of the fact that one of my testicles hangs a full testicle-length lower than the other. Is there such thing as a Testicle Mask? Did I just write the name of my impending musical?

Fuck it. I'll do the Top Ten anyway.

Top Ten Musicals That Are Most Like My Life

10) Guys 'n' Dolls - 'Cause I got the girl. And that was lucky.
9) Hello Dolly - 'Cause I look like a lonely, middle-aged, meddling woman.
8) Cats - 'Cause I suck at being what I'm supposed to be.
7) Oh What A Lovely War - 'Cause I think war is just the tits.
6) Singin' in the Rain - 'Cause I love A Clockwork Orange
5) West Side Story - 'Cause I can dance fight.
4) My Fair Lady - 'Cause I have to 'My Fair Lady' my wife every time she wants to leave the house.
3) Chicago - 'Cause CM Punk!
2) All That Jazz - 'Cause I read it wrong.
1) La La Land - 'Cause look at the mess I've made.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Question: How great is Adrian Pimento?

Yes!

I thought my wife asked me this because of how much I love this guy. She didn't! Who's out there? Who is it?

You're my soulmate!

Adrian Pimento is a character in the show Brooklyn 99. If you don't watch that show, I don't like you. It's very good. I won't go too far into the character, but he's a little bit zany, if you know what I mean.

You don't? You hate love and happiness!

The character is played by the actor Jason Mantzoukas, who's getting some real play these days. You can see him alongside Amy Poehler and Will Ferrell in the movie The House, coming out soon. Even in the trailer you can tell he's hilarious.

Short Answer: "Yea, I love Rosa! I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her ear holes and eat the hair off her head!"

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Question: I read a post you wrote while you were sick. Now I have a cold too, WTF, dude?!!

It's the power of the mind!

I think we all have a level of hypochondria in us. It's probably a leftover of healthy fear based on survival instincts. If I watch a movie with any kind of sickness in it, I start to feel that sickness.

I even started dressing like a woman when I saw Tootsie.

(This is a joke. I'm not calling cross-dressing a sickness. Chill out, fucking everyone.)

Another possibility is that my humor spreads like a sickness. You laugh, and eventually, you die!

The Blog That Killed Your Ass! That's the movie! Time for some crowdfunding.

Speaking of crowdfunding, I had a dream last night that me and a friend of mine were going to start crowdfunding our pseudo-modern-blaxploitation comedy Black Apollo. We found out that the name was already taken, and I thought we could change it to Black Jupiter. Then we decided, just Jupiter was better. Then I suggested we spell it Jupider, like 'stupider' been then we were afraid that people would pronounce it wrong. Then this chick who we'd planned to put in the show died!

That was to many thens, wasn't it?

Then...fuck off!

Short Answer: Seriously, I look good in that Tootsie outfit. I've got the shoulders for it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Question: Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?

Jesus Christ! Am I about to get murdered?

There are some very unsettling things about this question. First of all, is the sing-song aspect, kinda like it's an adult pretending to be a clown child. And what's with the capital on 'Tell' and the other capitalized T in 'sTory'? Is that a code? What's TT mean? Is it bad? Was this question asked by Audi? Am I going to get killed by an Audi?

And Mr. Keith? I know that's the only recognizable name in Ask Keith Anything, but it ain't my last name.

Finally, and maybe this is because I'm already disturbed, the lack of a comma before Mr. Keith is also off-putting. Like the whole thing is said with a certain syntax, perhaps with a foreign accent. I'm guessing...a hell one. Like it's being said while sucking air through sharpened teeth.

How do you not see this sentence and fix it? How do you not go, "Oh, shit. I put some weird capitals in this bitch." I know how. 'Cause you're a hungry demon, horns festooned with the entrails of your last six-to-eight victims.

Here's a story. One time there was a happy prince. His name wasn't Mr. Keith, that's for fuckin' sure. He lived in a one-bedroom, castle with heat and hot water included, with his princess who had big boobs and didn't like moving around during sex. One day he got a raven in the mail, and it was all like, "Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?" He strangled that raven to death with great vigor, dragged his wife from the royal couch and said, "We gettin' the fuck outta here." And he did.

Short Answer; The end.


Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Question: Ever watch Caroline in the City?

FTNITK, Caroline in the City was a sit-com that aired on NBC for four seasons (97 episodes) from 1995 to 1999.

No I never fucking watched it.

This was right in the 'pit' for me, as it comes to my entertainment enjoyment level. I was finishing high school, which I fucking hated, and then I spent a few years saving money to travel across the country. My priority wasn't checking the major networks' newest, crappy sit-coms. Remember this was the age of Fox's glowing puck for NHL games, the "If I Did It" OJ interview, Boy Meets World (or The Not-Wonder Years) and a bunch of other weird, uninteresting crap. Also, I wasn't into Buffy, or The X-Files and Seinfeld wasn't even good yet. Ren and Stimpy had just ended, That 70's Show had just started, and I always thought Frasier sucked.

Even Roseanne, which I'd always loved, fell off the radar for me in this period of my life. I had to go back and re-watch the whole series later.

This, to me, feels like the era of the little brother. The popular shit, like Dawson's Creek, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Full House, 3rd Rock From the Sun, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, it all felt like it was for younger people.

Saving grace? Freaks and Geeks started in 1999. I didn't know it then, but it kinda saved that whole era, and started the Age of Apatow.

Most notably for me (and likely you), this was the age of Simpon's syndication. Many episodes,every day, of the good shit. This was when my generation committed everything from season 2 to season 7 to our memories for all time.

Other decent shit from that time: Friends, Animaniacs, 90210, My So-Called Life, Beavis and Butthead, SNL, Mad About You, Fresh Prince.

Short Answer: Let's not forget this was also the age of (pre-Toxic) Britney and boy bands and pop-punk. Ugh.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Question: Ask Keith Anything! (The Blank Question)

Yesterday I brought up the point that I answer every question. This morning, I remembered this one, and I realized I had come very close to being a liar.

This 'statement' came through my on-blog contact form a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't register it as real. I thought it was a mistake, or someone had accidentally left the space blank.

And some of that is true. When someone asks me a question through the form, it begins with this. Ask Keith Anything! Then: the question. So someone actually did send me a blank form.

Did they send it on purpose? Or was it a mistake? If I'm to answer every 'question' and I'm to accept abstract ideas, and say grandiose things like 'every question is good' then I must accept this blank question. I must assume it was someone's chosen method of participation. To assume they are some dullard who erased their question right before sending it would be uncouth of me. (Though that's likely the case.)

So here's my answer to a blank question. You can't call a scary comedy a Rom-Com Spiritacular! Because A) Sub-genres can't have exclamation points and B) Go fuck yourself.

Has anyone ever called a movie a Rom-Com Spiritacular! No. Not to my knowledge. But there has been some pretty dumb shit. Even Zom-Com is too far for me. You can't name a comedy after the thing that's in the comedy. Then we'll have Meet-Coms and Mistaken Identity-Coms and Prom-Coms and Shyamalan-Coms and the list will never end.

Short Answer: (Blank Short Answer)

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Question: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?

Fuck you.

I've answered every question I've ever been asked on this site, but I considered ignoring this. You clearly don't want me to weigh in on the alphabet. You're being a stupid dick. You wanted to participate in my blog, but this was the best 'question' you could come up with? I know I've told people to their faces that they can ask anything they want, that there are no bad questions, but I was wrong. This is a bad question. What inspiration can I take from this other than the inspiration to shun you like a diseased animal?

So now everything has changed. Next time I'm at a social gathering, and someone says, "I read your blog all the time!" and then I say, "Have you ever asked a question?" and they say, "No. I can never think of a good one." Instead of being able to just say, "It's not the quality of the question that matters. I just need a shooting-off point. The content comes from the way I'm feeling and thinking at that particular moment, so you can't do anything wrong. Any question is good," I have to add, "except if you just write out the alphabet and put a question mark on it. That's for chodes."

You've altered my life. Though ever so slightly, it still angers me.

And if by some slim chance you actually are asking me my opinion about the alphabet, here it is. It's fine. I make words out of it, so it's pretty important to me, but I don't have any romantic feelings about it. So even if your question was intended to be real, it's still shitty because unlike the motherfucking dust on my floor or the dirt beneath my fingernails, it didn't inspire me one fucking bit.

Short Answer: Thanks for asking! Please, feel free to try again. Love ya.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Question: What shall we do with a drunken sailor?

This is the third time I've been asked this question.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/05/question-what-would-you-do-with-drunken.html

Follow that down the Keith Hole to the other answer.

Now, to address the reason I keep getting asked.

Because I've never given the proper answer. Which is:

Short Answer: I'd fuck him with his rubber boots on.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Question: I love it in movies and TV when people make up funny porn movie names. Can you do some of those for us?

My pet, I've done it all before.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2016/06/question-could-you-make-up-some-funny.html

That one's got a link to another one in it, like a porn title sandwich. (In that second link, you'll find my porn name generator.)

I was pretty thorough, so I feel like the well might be dry. I certainly don't want to repeat myself.

Maybe if I just do some upcoming films, I won't have to worry about that.

Thor: Ram The Cock
The Mummy Fucker
Wonder Why a Woman Would Eat That
Captain Stained Underpants
Despicable Meat 3: Mostly Fist Meat
Spider-Man: Homecoming on Tits
War For the Planet of the Ass
The Dark Tower, The Bleached Hole
Done Kirk in the Butt
Get Out Your Dick
Baysnatch

Short Answer: I wish this could be my job.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Question: How many posts have you written? (I know the numbers are there in the margin, I didn't want to do maths.)

This, as I'm writing it, has magically and numerically become post number two-thousand, two-hundred and ninety-five. That's 2295 for the severely illiterate.

I guess if you'd caught me in five more posts it would be sort of an important one, but not really. Once you get into the thousands, hundreds don't seem so important. Maybe 2500 is a milestone, but not 2300.

Anyway, let's see what we can get out of 2295.

Okay. I'm back from research! Here's what the elves have recovered for me.

No major things happen in literature - specifically science fiction- in that year. Of course the year has been used, but nothing important. No seminal works take place at that time. The closest I could come to finding a thing was that apparently stardate 10, 000 in the Star Trek universe happens in 2295. Wait, I've double-checked that, and someone else says it's 2167. Fuck me, nevermind.

2295 sucks. So I guess this post was doomed from the start. What's the point, here, then? That I've written a shitload of posts? That's true. Gotta be a book in this by now. Publishers? Anyone? Mom?

Short Answer: I'll write a fucking story that takes place in 2295. It will be the definitive 2295 story. I'll call it 2295! (Do I get any credit for using the number over and over again in this post? Oh, you didn't come here to see who gets credit? Oh, you just wanted to laugh? Oh, I fucked up? Fair.)


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Question: I can't stop laughing in libraries. Something about them just makes me giggle but the other patrons just think it's inappropriate. How do I fix this?

Lotsa options, here.

If you can get a gas mask, you'll probably be the only one in there with a gas mask, so you can gas away, sans harm.

You could do your reading online and completely avoid those losers and their precious, loser palace of knowledge.

You could divulge the source of your entertainment to all. Consider it a whispery stand-up set. Most won't complain. Unless the source of your humor is abortions or something else that can polarize the room.

"You know what's funny?" you'll whisper. "How divided we are as a nation." Something like that.

I guess a lot of these are temporary measures, and in your question you ask for a fix. Sadly, it's likely that you're the problem. You should probably go to a psychologist, or better yet, a hyptominust - wait, what are they called? One sec. (Uses internet for knowledge like you should be doing.) Hypnotist? That's it? Anyway. You could use a hypnotist to recover the repressed memories of when you were sex-touched beside the reference materials.

Short Answer: It's totally normal to laugh at times deemed inappropriate by society. You can laugh at funerals for example. If the Barenaked Ladies have taught us anything, it's that.

Other Things the Barenaked Ladies Have Taught Us:

10) Every man becomes a lovesick jerk.
9) Lovers can happen in multiple dangerous times, not just when the original song was written times.
8) Some people put ketchup on their Kraft Dinner.
7) Cocaine can be a secret.
6) Chubby sells.
5) If I call, you will answer.
4) Green dresses are for idiots, you idiot.
3) Everybody wants to fuck Jane.
2) Canada makes weird music.
1) Money buys love.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Question: If you had an imaginary cellmate, what would they be like?

I think it's possible that whoever wrote this question thinks I'm in prison.

I guess the hypothetical here is that I'm in a cell, but I'm alone. And I guess a little crazy, because I'm about to come up with, not a real cellmate, an imaginary cellmate.

The word cellmate has already lost all meaning. Cellmate, cellmate, cellmate.

Salma Hayek is my go to answer for being in a room with someone and there's a bed nearby. I don't know if she works in this scenario, though, because there probably aren't any girls allowed. Even in my imagination, I'd probably choose a man. Maybe someone big and strong to protect me? No, no, that could go the other way pretty quickly.

I've always thought Adam Sandler would be a fun guy to hand out with. And I don't think he'd rape me. He might laugh and point while I was getting raped, but that's pretty understandable. I'd look like a chicken having a stroke.

Short Answer: Or a person doing the 'lick your own elbows' dance.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Question: What do you believe when you say belief?

Tenses? Conjugation?

This is too much for me, man. Is this supposed to be deep? There's no way this is a quote from some famous fucker, which means it's an attempt by some un-famous fucker to sound important.

Big fail, buddy. I have no clue what this means, and it sure as hell doesn't hold any potency or clarity on its own merit.

Here, let me try out your verb form/noun form formula.

What do you shit when you say shit?

Works like a charm! (What do you being sarcastic when you say sarcasm?)

Let met try, just the same.

I believe that belief is a set of beliefs that you believe when...nope, nope. Fuck this. I'm out.

Short Answer: What do you shorten when you an answer?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Question: What's your big plan for this Sunday?

You're lookin' at it.

Doing computer chores with no clothes on my bits.

Later, I might worry about supper. It's raining, so I probably won't leave the house. Already finished masturbating, so I guess my schedule is pretty clear once I finish CREATING INCREDIBLE WORLDS FULL OF MAGIC AND INTRIGUE!

Short Answer: I just got the whole 'all caps' thing.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Question: I find sometimes when people tell me their favorite sh*t that I like them a lot less. Is this a problem for you, Keith?

Top Ten Undesirable Favorite Things

10) Bands that have a number in their name
9) Not my penis
8) California rolls with real crab
7) Any movie other than Big Trouble in Little China
6) Ice cream with mint, but no chocolate chips
5) The election cycle
4) Slacks
3) The Celestine Prophecy
2) Un-themed burlesque
1) Archetypes rather than character depth

Short Answer: Blink 182? 54-40? 98 degrees? There's more. Way, way more.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Question: What are the ten best movies directed by more than one person?

Great question.


I'll do a top ten of best movies by director duos. What I won't do is include any movies that were half-directed, then picked up by someone else. Those are mostly shit, anyway.


As per usual, I won't repeat duos, so it won't be a top ten Coen Brothers list.


Top Ten Movies With Two Directors


10) Delicatessen (1991) Marc Caro & Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The best of their collaborations, Jeunet went on to make his own mark with Amelie.
9) Sin City (2005) Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez. Though the long-awaited sequel soured our hindsight, this movie was tremendously well-received and nearly revolutionary in convincing studios of the potential of comic properties.
8) Airplane! (1980) David & Jerry Zucker (and Jim Abrahams?). I guess this had three directors? Still, the best Zuckers film, save for a personal nod to Top Secret.
7) Little Miss Sunshine (2006) Jonathon Dayton & Valerie Faris. This didn't play for everyone, but it did for me. And for the Academy.
6) About a Boy (2002) Chris & Paul Weitz. The best Nick Hornby adaptation?
5) American Splendor (2003) Shari Springer Bergman & Robert Pulcini. Giamatti unleashed onto the world! A great comics property (thanks Harvey Pekar) and a wonderful film.
4) Dumb and Dumber (1994) Peter & Bobby Farrelly. Some might say There's Something About Mary is their best. I don't.
3) Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) Joe & Anthony Russo. Best comic book movie ever?
2) The Matrix (1999) The Wachowskis. No need to explain.
1) Fargo (1996) The Coen Brothers. Lotsa different opinion on the Coen's best film. I'm a huge fan of most of their work, but to me, Fargo is the smoothest and most accessible.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Can't Hardly Wait, Bad Santa, King Kong, Half Nelson, every other Coen Brothers' movie.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Question: Is it true that a fool and his money are easily parted?

I've answered this one before!


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/10/question-why-are-fools-and-their-money.html


That's pretty thorough, by my account. Of course, my account is empty, because I'm a damned fool! I like pretty cars and fast women and shitty jokes! All of which are a real drag on the funds. Oh, and HBO. I loves me some HBO.


Short Answer: Wouldn't mind a lifetime of free HBO. Just sayin', HBO. HBO!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Question: Who would you shoot, the man or the dog?

This is a slippity slope, isn't it? People really freak out about animals. They love them so much, that even hinting at dog murder could get me in a dog bowl full of hot water.


I guess my initial response is, depends on the man.


This is telling, because I don't care if the dog is an asshole or not. Dogs are dogs. They don't have the capacity for evil. They just shit and wag and eat and cuddle. Men are terrible, awful creatures. So in most cases, my answer would be, shoot the man.


But to be clear, I'm not so soft that I think animal rights should be placed above human rights. Sometimes when people soapbox about the mistreatment of animals, in the face of human starvation or lack of funding for social programs that benefit the poor, I cringe.


I suppose I'm a contradiction. I believe that human life inherently has more value than animal life, and yet, I don't like most humans, and I do like most dogs.


Short Answer: There. Honesty. Wait, why am I shooting them? Is this a standoff at the end of a movie? Is it one of those setups where the dog and the man look identical, and I don't know which one is the real dogman so I don't know who to shoot? "You're barking up the wrong tree! Wag the gun that way! He's the dog-poster!" I get it now. I'd be all like, "I know that one of you was neutered. Pull down your adorable pants and show me your dogman crotches! Right now!"

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Question: How fast does your boat go?

This has got to be a euphemism.


My boat is a speedboat, there's no doubt about that. But it looks more like a beat-up, old cargo ship. There's a racing stripe that makes the whole thing appear a bit monstrous, and from stern to bow it's not exactly straight. It goes at about the same speed as my tugboat, until my tugboat runs out of gas, and then it goes way faster.


Short Answer: My boat is called 'Skildo'.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Question: What sort of duel would you prefer if your life depended on it?

Pizza eating duel?
Horror movie knowledge duel?
Amount of breasts touched with permission duel?


I'm guessing you were hoping for a more traditional answer. I'm definitely a sword guy, if that's your angle. Guns are messy. They miss, and when they hit, it sucks hard. Swords are elegant, and there's no weird smell when they deliver a fatal blow.


Of course, two modern assholes with no sword fighting ability wouldn't possess much elegance. Just as well have a pool-noodle duel as expect grace in that situation.


Short Answer: I don't care so long as I get to say, "I'm not left-handed."

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Question: Vacation Update!

I didn't want to spend too much time on a question today, as I'm trying to fit this in while my friend is in the shower, before I try to fit my penis into his bum. It seems a little disrespectful to take someone's hard-mulled-over attempt at a question and treat it with disdain.


Oh wait. That's the entire premise of this blog.


Still, I choose this instead, because I am in control and you are not. How does it feel? Your life is a runaway train, and you're an unattractive prospector, having your prostate destroyed by the rutted, over-travelled road as you bounce around trying to keep the reins while your ill-suited cart falls apart beneath you.


Now that I've established dominance, I'd like to share a treat.


My friend referred to testicles as 'racoon elbows' the other day. I don't think it's overstating a fact to reveal that my life is now complete.


Short Answer: Things are going well. Record stores were wandered through, beers were bought by the box load and we watched Night of the Creeps and Slither back to back. Those are two movies about penis-like slugs. Soon, I think the swordfight will commence. (He doesn't know I've been practising!)

Monday, May 1, 2017

Question: Where you at?

I've got a friend in town for the week, so I'm on pseudo-vacation. He's asleep right now, so I figured I'd try to squeeze this in, before I try to squeeze my penis into his bum.


Last few days have been filled with immense sleepiness and my annual Sci-Fi Movie Festival. We drank many drinks, candied many candies and jumped many jumps.


This morning I woke up with this.


"It's not like today's the day they un-invented penicillin!"


Solid work, subconscious.


Also, we've decided in only two days that my wife's resting facial expression is 'done eating'.


We've coined the term 'dumpstitution' and learned to describe the moment where you're rushing to the toilet, and you undo your pants - therefore speeding up the exit of fleeing turds - as 'strafing'. (Because you half sit and scooch across the bowl.)


More discoveries to come, but I may be a little inconsistent with my presence until the beginning of next week. There's important work to be done, and we're uncovering new truths about the universe every day. We're willing to put the work in. We've already had long conversations about the shape and behaviour of my penis, as well as how certain birth control can poke you, creating a fear of having a piece of copper threaded nicely into your peehole during coitus.


We've only just begun.


Short Answer: Unsnake - The Straightest Animal. I just thought of this awesome movie title. Just now. My brain is on fire with possibilities!