Saturday, March 11, 2017

Question: Won't you tell me how you gets the sexy on?

I'm not sure if by sexy you mean the romantic stuff or the doing it while saying unghhhh stuff, so I'll address both.


My go to move for the set-up is to ask my wife if she has a headache, and if her hair is clean. This is a pretty early ploy, even before supper, so she has no idea what's going on, and can't pull out later. (I do the pulling out in this relationship, mister!)


The next move is to lay in some subtle hints. I'll say things like, "Clothes are dumb" and "Mila Kunis" to get her thinking the right way.


Then I'll feed her something super sexy. Usually lasagna because nothing's sexier than meat and cheese and bread and feeling like you need to take a dump right after eating.


The final move is my best one. It's sitting perfectly still throughout the night, hoping I've introduced all the right elements, and crossing my fingers that it will occur to her that I just might want to have sex tonight.


If she kisses me goodnight without suggesting intercourse, I'll try to make an expectant puppy dog face. The days that I'm lucky, she notices this face. Somehow, she finds it un-interpretable, and asks me, "What?"


Then we have a fight.


Short Answer: If we have sex at all, it's short, greased by tears and full up with regret.


Note: It occurred to me to give a real, honest answer for this question, but I decided my actual sex life is far too boring and typical for a blog entry. Unless you like women who, after sex, say things like, "Nice rogering, sister" than my bedroom stuff is not for you.

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