Thursday, March 30, 2017

Question: What's that awful smell?

I've never answered this exact question, but as you can imagine, I've dealt with smell before. Here's one from earlier this year that I think is particularly inspired:

And another from 2015:

(At some point, this is all my blog is going to be. Just referencing other times I've basically answered the question. I guess I'm going to have to start putting more value into crazy questions, rather than skewering the people who try them, and calling them knobs, twits and...what's another insult I rarely use?

Top Ten Old-Ass and Underused Insults

10) Gnashgab - Tamer than it sounds, it's just someone who likes to complain. Usage: "My wife is such a gnashgab. It was only in up to the first knuckle."
9) Driggle-Draggle - This means a dirty woman or a prostitute, depending on who you ask. Usage: "My wife smells like a driggle-draggle."
8) Fopdoodle - Not so rare, as most of us know what a fop is. Fopdoodle is essentially a foolish person. Usage: "My wife refers to my penis as a fopdoodle when she thinks I'm not paying attention. Let's see how much pee we can douse her with before she wakes up."
7) Bedswerver - Thanks, Shakespeare! A bedswerver is an adulterer/adulteress. Usage: "My wife is only a bedswerver for African-American gentlemen."
6) Dew-Beater - Technically means a really big shoe. (If you read that in a Johnny Carson voice, you're old.) Also used to refer to a clumsy person. Usage: "My wife calls me a dew-beater when I'm trying to stick it in, but I'm not sure if I should be insulted, or if she's hinting that I fuck her with a clown shoe."
5) Gillie-Wet-Foot - Specifically a servant who carries a chief over a stream, it became a derogatory term for a man who possesses any number of unsavory behaviours, such as one who cons, one who welches on debts or one who is sucks at being rich. Usage: "My wife uses the phrase gillie-wet-foot incorrectly. I think she's trying to get me to fuck her with a shoe."
4) Gobermouch - Someone who's nosy. Usage: "So what if he has big feet? He's just a friend, Keith! Get over yourself, you gobermouch."
3) Muck-spout - One who talks too much, and swears a lot. Usage: "My wife's vagina is a muck-spout."
2) Saddle-Goose - Someone who wastes their time with stupid shit, like saddling a goose. Usage: "You've really fucked this post up, Keith. You had a good thing going, then your examples got wonky and they don't make any sense anymore. And you're quoting your wife? Seriously, if you think anyone is going to read this, you're an idiot, and might I add, a saddle-goose."
1) Scobberlotcher - A person that never works hard, or, who needs a break from work. Usage: "My wife and I are taking a break. Scobberlotcher."

Short Answer: That awful smell is caused by friction, what happens when my comedy hits your brain. Or you're having a stroke. Probably too late to do anything about it now.

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