Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Question: What are you going to do for Valentine's Day?

As is seemed appropriate to post that top ten list yesterday, I kept this question for today.


And by appropriate I mean, it was for my wife, and if there's only one day a year that she takes priority (and there is) it's Valentine's Day. Even on her birthday, it's still all about me.


Christmas time? Fuck her.


I've lost focus.


So because I was feeling romancey, I choose to project that romancery into my wife's face like a spell that creates semen.


For dinner, I made a cream-sauce lasagna with a shit-tonne of cheese and red peppers, so it was red and white. There's this super-shitty, pink wine she likes, a white zinfandel, that tastes like candy, so I bought that shit too. And then I fucking chilled that wine like a goddamn boss.


Then, I did something I've never done before. I made a fucking cake, son! A vanilla bean cake with cream cheese icing. But not just cream cheese...I macerated some fresh raspberries and mixed that in with the icing, so that shit was pink as fuck. Then, I grated some white chocolate over the top, pretty much guaranteeing a marathon gratitude-sex session like no one has ever witnessed.


We ate all that shit, then my wife went to bed.


Short Answer: Romance is for tools.


Note: I don't really believe that. I'm just bitter because I went to the trouble of shaving my penis.

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