Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Question: How can you not like cucumbers? They don't taste like anything!

They taste like a pair of swim trunks that were used at the public pool, then left in a backpack for most of a fortnight.

But the truth is, I've come around on the cucumber. Its use in sushi has really helped bridge a gap for me. The gap between tolerance and up-chuckery, that is.

Here's a throwback treat:

"The oddness of the cucumber: I've spoken at length about my despise for this weird, green phallus masquerading as foodstuffs before. So instead, I'd just like to focus on the weirdness of the thing. Like it all you want, but please acknowledge that it's a wet, seedy monstrosity sent from hell to dampen your soul."

That's from June 8th of last year. Here's another:

"Oh, by the way, I only hate one food on this fine planet of ours, and that's the Devil's Cock - the cucumber. How the fuck can you people eat that shit? It has the flavor of wet."

From November 24, 2010.

What else is there? The pickle factor has helped, because I like pickles. And just recently I made a mustard-heavy aioli, so that when I dipped the cucumber in, it tasted like these old mustard pickles I used to eat when I was a kid.

Short Answer: The key is the English cucumber, or mini cucumbers. They're more dense and less wet. The traditional fat wanger cucumbers we get in Canada are too far along on the scale of sloppy, viscous puddle water in a green condom.

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