Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Question: How about a fresh Top Ten list?

Fresh like...funky fresh? Is it finally time? Can my inner Blackstreet finally New Jack Soul all over everyone's face? Diggity?


No? No diggity?


Awwww.


Okay. I'll have to think of something else.


Top Ten Illest Rhymes?


No? No illin'?


All right. I think I get what you're saying. I'm a white guy who's right now listening to Onslow's string quartet number 25 in b-flat major. That doesn't mean I can't be 'down' with certain things, does it?


It might? That's a good enough answer for me.


Top Ten Blue-Eyed Soul Songs


10) What A Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers. Written by Michael MacDonald and Kenny Loggins? Poopedmypants!
9) Roll With It - Steve Winwood. This is some iconic shit right here. It makes me think of, like, ten different movies.
8) How Deep is Your Love - The Bee Gees. This isn't disco. Shut-up.
7) Holding Back the Years - Simply Red. Simply boner! Though I suppose this is a bit of a sad song. Sadly boner!
6) Miss You - The Rolling Stones. Are the Stones more of a soul band than a rock band? Maybe not. Maybe both can exist in the same place: Mick's wriggly legs.
5) You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' - The Righteous Brothers. I had. But now it's back. And it's caked with sticky.
4) Sara Smile - Hall & Oates. Could've picked any number of Hall & Oates songs; this one seems to be accepted as the soul-iest. Honorable Mention to I Can't Go For That (No Can Do).
3) Fame - David Bowie. Or I guess the entire Young Americans album. Whatever floats your Bowie. See what I did there? I'm amazing.
2) Careless Whisper - Wham! This song makes me feel like somebody came in my pants. Or like a saxophone made love to the inside of my bottom.
1) Wicked Game - Chris Isaak. I guess you could argue this isn't a soul song. Go ahead. See what your computer screen says about it. (It is a soul song. So is Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing, so just put that in its place if you can't handle the truth.)


Short Answer: Shit. Honorable Mentions out the wazzoo; too many to get into. Loose-lipped shout outs to The Beatles, Van Morrison, Elton John, Eurythmics, Culture Club, Joe Cocker, Phil Collins and Boz Scaggs, to name just the few that nearly made the list.


Note: "[Blue-eyed Soul] ...assumes I’m coming from the outside. There’s always been that thing in America, where if you’re a white guy and you’re singing or playing in a black idiom, it’s like: ‘Why is he doing that? Is he from the outside, looking in? Is he copying? What’s the point of it?’ C’mon, it’s music! It’s music." - Daryl Hall

Monday, February 27, 2017

Question: How did you enjoy the Oscars?

By eating many nachos.


I fried up some ground pork with coriander, smoked paprika, cinnamon, ancho, Mexican oregano and salt and pepper. I made a fresh salsa with cilantro, tomatoes, lime, scallions and chives, cumin and chipotle. Then I chopped up some more scallions and red peppers. Then I put that shit all together - two layers - with a fuck-tonne of cheese.


Then I watched a rather uninteresting Oscars broadcast.


I suppose you want a recap from me? I don't feel like there's much to talk about, except the end. We'll get to that.


I thought the stage was great. I thought the visual design this year was classy and straightforward, and I liked that they opened with a song. Why not? You've got to get them all in somewhere.


Kimmel's monologue was safe and middle-of-the-road, probably exactly what they want. He did a fine job throughout the night; I can see them having him back.


I really enjoyed the famous people talking about their favorite movie, then having those people combine to give out awards. In particular Seth Rogen and Michael J. Fox was a highlight.


I'm not a fan of the person signing over the in memoriam segment, but I thought the song was a good choice, and Sara Bareilles did a good job.


Speeches were mostly shit. I've been watching all the awards shows, and as is often the case, the good shit is wasted on lesser broadcasts. Emma Stone in particular, who I was hoping would lose her shit and show us all the awesome person she is, kept it together all to well. For the second year in a row, we didn't really get an iconic, lose-your-shit speech from anyone. Viola Davis's was okay, but she gave better ones earlier in award season.


One other thing I liked was showing a little montage of earlier speeches right before giving out the four major actor categories. That was a nice touch. Also, the music throughout the night was fun.


There. Now the end.


I'm not going to explain it. I'll simply say that I didn't think it was that big a deal. Obviously the worst part is that the La La Land people got an Oscar ripped from their hands, and that sucks. But the Moonlight people got to win, so it's no bad mark on their experience. And overall, it's not much of a mark on the Oscars, either. I'm assuming fault goes to the company - PriceWaterhouseCooper?- that handles the envelopes. It's not like Warren Beatty dug into their suitcases and pulled the wrong one.


Hard not to like Jordan Horowitz, who took control and was gracious in righting the injustice. He was kind of the star of the night.


Now, a brief list of shit that didn't work:


Having the tour bus people come in. They set it up like we were going to get a bunch of surprised people, but most walked in expressionless with cameras raised. They'd obviously figured out what was going on, save for a few. Then the segment took way too long. Highlight was watching Ryan Gosling treat them like people.


Candies falling from the sky? Cute. But I don't give a fuck about your sponsors.


Close-up on brave, incredible, sixteen year old girl singing the Moana song...gets smacked in the back of the head by a roaming parasail.


And back to the good stuff:


The Matt Damon jokes. In particular, Matt and Ben's presentation.


John Legend singing the song that should have won the Oscar, 'Audition (The Fools Who Dream)'.


Salma Hayek's dress and responsible, tasteful, incredible jugs.


Best Joke of the Night: M. Night Shyamalan taking credit afterword for writing the ending.


Short Answer: Despite feeling like the prepared material was a bit tame, I thought some of Kimmel's bits were quite clever, including the bit about Meryl phoning in her entire career. I think Kimmel's best when ad-libbing, like when he said that Denzel could marry that couple. My favorite joke of the night - and don't hate me - was probably when he said we didn't love adapted screenplays any less. I know. I've lost all credibility. But so has PwC, so there you go.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Question: What's the most wonderful thing about mermaids?

Toplessness?


I'll tell you what the least wonderful thing about mermaids is. It's that they have the magical ability to always have their hair positioned perfectly to cover their nipples.


Did you know that the whole mermaid thing came from sailors fucking dugongs? And that dugongs have the genitals most like human genitals in the animal kingdom?


Have I ruined mermaids, yet?


How about...mermaids poop outta their face?


Short Answer: That last one isn't true. Oh wait, mermaids aren't true, so they do poop outta their stupid, nipple-covered faces! Shut-up, mermaids! Nobody wants fish parts instead of lady parts.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Question: Nairobi or Dallas, Texas?

Hmmmm. Are you trying to choose between jobs? I'm guessing you did something pretty awful, to end up with these two choices. Did you lose a bunch of money for an oil-company, perhaps? Or the classic 'fucked someone's daughter'?


Don't get me wrong. I have no evidence that either of these places is bad. I'm just assuming. Why wouldn't these places be awful? Hot and full of people. Fuck that.


Did you know that Nairobi, capitol city of Kenya, is the only major city with a game reserve within its boundaries? Neat, huh?


And Dallas...Dallas has the Cowboys. And the Cowboys have cheerleaders. Yum.


You probably want to base your decision on more substantial factors. Nairobi has 3.6 million people. Dallas has only 1.1 million. That's a thing, right?


Shit. I was just going to go into the differences in climate, then maybe, compare food. (Nairobi has KFC, did you know that?) I know. Who cares. This is boring. I don't even know if this is what the question is asking. Perhaps it's a puzzle and I'm supposed to figure out their connection. Or maybe someone just spun a globe, pointed to two random places and thought, "Fuck Keith."


If I had to choose for vacation, I'd pick Nairobi, because it's far and different. If I was choosing where to live, I'd choose the shit out of Dallas, because by all accounts it's a great city and it's close-by, familiar and full of fucking cheerleaders. Or that's the impression I get from the TV.


Short Answer: Sometimes when I'm doing this blog I realize that I'm stinking it up. Mostly, I can adjust, but on occasion, I've already gone through the looking glass. So, to salvage, I become brutally honest and throw in the word 'fuck'. I'll also usually make a poop joke, something along the lines of, "I bet Nairobi smells bad. Ya know, like a poop." or "The air in Dallas smells sweet and salty, like a cheerleader poop."

Friday, February 24, 2017

Question: So i sent in this form for hte contestest and it was like a piece of mail with a stamp symbol on it and I havent' ehard anything back yet. What do i do?

Often, if I see a typo in a question, or if there's one instance of something as heinous as a standalone, lowercase letter, I'll tidy it up and make it more presentable. It's not because I have a dire need to correct things, it's just that I want to present my blog in a consistent way. I also want to appeal to an audience that appreciates certain standards of language and legibility.


For this question, as you can see with your own bleeding eyes, I have not tidied up. It didn't feel right. This is the question as asked, and I believe the mistakes are relevant. It paints a picture of one so drunk or stupid that the question itself changes, making the inquiry far more about the person than the lost 'contestest' form.


I have no idea what you're talking about. There is no information here for me to go on. You sent something through the mail. That's all I got. What do you do, now? Wait, would be the most popular answer. Though in this particular case, I'd say don't wait. Because whatever you've done, it's not going to work out for you. I'd be surprised if you even managed to put the mail in a mailbox. I'm guessing it's in your garbage, covered in blood-soaked tissues from the most recent time you've picked up a knife the wrong way, and wondered A) why you couldn't slice the cheese properly, and B) why there's blood all over your cheese again.


By the way, kudos on the entire middle part of this question being flawless. I'm not sure who wrote the beginning and the end, but you obviously had a moment of clarity for a portion of this exercise.


In fact, many of these mistakes just look like rushed typing. Why didn't you edit it? Have you not read my blog? Didn't you know that this sort of inattention would lead to ridicule, that your question would stick out amidst the grammatically sound?


No. You didn't know. Because there's something wrong with your brain. That's okay. We all have something wrong with our brains. Usually it's hidden better, but you don't have much control over that.


Huh. I ended up being forgiving. Here's another positive. Instead of 'heard' you wrote 'ehard'. That made me think of getting an erection while on the internet, and has inspired me to have a wound-inducing wank after this is through. Cheers!


Short Answer: Time for a nap, my friend. Whatever you sent, it's not worth worrying about. When your electricity gets shut off, or your next issue of 'Lawn and Head Trauma' doesn't arrive, then worry.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Question: Reindeer shmeindeer.

Jesus H. Christ.


Who has a fucking problem with reindeer? And such a casual one, to boot. Is this about Christmas somehow? In February?


This isn't a fucking question, either. How hard is it to grasp the premise, you fucking morons? What the fuck am I supposed to do with 'shmeindeer'?


I would seriously pour the fancy salt they put around the rim of caesar glasses into your eyeballs if I could.


Short Answer: Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Question: What have books taught you?

(Looking back on this post, I suppose there are potential SPOILERS. You've been warned.)


A Song of Ice and Fire: People die.
1984: Give up.
The Grapes of Wrath: Band names can be books, too.
American Psycho: Contrast.
Moby Dick: There are many kinds of whales.
War and Peace: Books can be weapons.
The Divine Comedy: Shit is considered gross.
The Great Gatsby: Some people pursue emptiness.
Madame Bovary: You can't have Bovary without ovary.
Lolita: You should read Harry Potter, not watch it.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Racism is bad.
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: Drugs are bad.
Bleak House: Titles can be accurate.
Jane Eyre: Propriety is worthless.
David Copperfield: Some books aren't about magicians.
The Metamorphosis: Get that looked at.
Oedipus: My mom is hot.
To Kill a Mockingbird: Humanity.
Paradise Lost: Good and evil is confusing.
Les Miserables: Books don't have singing.
Faust: Bartering is a waste of time.
The Scarlet Letter: Don't wear shame after Labor Day.
The Lord of the Rings: Friendship is precious.
Lord of the Flies: Asthma is a disadvantage.
A Farewell to Arms: You need someone else's help to wave goodbye to your arms.
Frankenstein: Books can be overrated.
Brave New World: Give up, harder.
The Count of Monte Cristo: Revenge is better than a sandwich.
It: Clowns are the best.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Assholes get what's comin'.


Short Answer: That's probably enough of that. Ask me for more if you want.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Question: What's the meaning of life?

I answered the shit out of this in 2014:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/08/question-do-you-have-answer-to-meaning.html


And here's a bonus one, because that awesome answer is making me feel super lazy about this one:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/09/question-could-you-answer-one-of-lifes.html


Now, to handle it fresh:


Short Answer: Find a way to be happy, you fucking doorknob.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Question: Peter Piper Pooped a Peck of Pickled Peppers.

Jesus. How many did he eat?


Because this question is one of the 'funny' ones, where I have to sit back and watch someone else make a joke at everyone's expense, allow me to divert my attention briefly.


I woke up to my alarm today, said aloud the newly-minted word 'ball-shit' then turned that fucker off and went back to sleep.


Now, to the task at hand.


It's funny that someone pooped, I'll give you that. But this isn't a question. Sometimes, not getting questions is okay, because they lead somewhere funny. In this case, the only thought I had, to embrace the setup, was to continue on with the poem. Problem is, this poem has the same words over and over again, leaving no room for jokes, just like the gargantuan width of my penis leaves no room for condoms. Sorry ladies; you're all pregnant. And this question is pregnant with lack of purpose and inspiration. Next time you want to replace a thing with poop, try your food. That's funny.


Short Answer: I don't mean to sound so harsh. I just get frustrated when inspiration doesn't come. So I'm blaming you. I think that's fair.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Question: Is it orangutan or orangutang?

Dealt with this one already:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/07/question-orangutang-or-orangutan.html


What can I add?


Hmmmm.


You're super dumb.


Short Answer: Sad that anything orange or ape-like makes me immediately think of the 'situation' in office in the States. Maybe that Malay jibe at Americans in the old post is more apt than previously considered.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Question: What's a gaffer?

I don't know. What's a gaffer with you?


(Laughs uncontrollably for ten minutes. Looks back at post; considers cutting 'uncontrollably' because it's a ridiculous adverb. Moves on.)


A gaffer is the head or chief electrician on a film set. Sometimes there's a 'head gaffer' which just means the head head gaffer.


(Proud of himself. Wonders if he shouldn't go to the same parenthetical well a second time. Moves on.)


You could've gotten this information through googler or googly or whatever that thing's called. I guess you came here because you wanted a funny answer.


(Considers whether or not the parenthetical approach is humorous enough. Decides it isn't.)


How 'bout this? A gaffer is someone hired to fuck things up, to make others look good. The most famous example of gaffers are the people on infomercials who can't cut a tomato without painting the walls with their inadequacy. So, on a film set, the head gaffer is the best guy at acting poorly, therefore making the on-screen talent feel confident.


Example:


Director: "Hey! Eddie Jim? Get in here and do a take."
Eddie Jim: (Imma gaff the shit out of this.) "Okay. Four score and sevens poops ago!"
Director. "Just terrible. Thanks, EJ. Okay, Ashton Kutcher, time for you to give it a go."
Ashton Kutcher: "Wait. In this example, am I also a gaffer?"
Director: "What example? What do you mean? We're wasting daylight, Kutcher, let's do this."
Ashton Kutcher: "Are you not aware that this is all a fabrication? It's just an example on a dude's blog."
Director: "Even if that's the case, why would you think you're also a gaffer?"
Ashton Kutcher: "Because I'm a terrible actor."
Director: "True. But you got Mila Kunis pregnant. So you're a success in all things."
Ashton Kutcher: "That's true."


See?


Short Answer: If even one person out there is now confused about what a gaffer is, I've done my job.


Note: Did you know that Ashton Kutcher spends much of his time as an activist, trying to put a stop to sex slavery? Yea, that's not relevant to anything here, and it isn't a joke, but still. Nice work, Kutch.











Thursday, February 16, 2017

Question: You're a fat piece of garbage. I think your blog sucks and you're an ugly twat.

Thanks for not swearing. I'm rather delicate.


I think you might have sent this to the wrong person. It's the only thing that explains what's happened here. I'm as handsome as an old lady who's aged well, and my blog is tremendous.


I guess the internet got its wires crossed. I'm guessing that you're probably unhappy with how you look, and are incapable of writing well. Though to be fair, those two sentences were pretty well put together. You don't know what a question is, but kudos just the same.


Here's the problem. I'm smarter and funnier than you. I don't know you, but I am. The percentages are high. How do I know? Here's how. I would never bother to post something hateful on someone's blog. There's no reason to attempt to spread negativity like that. Only dumb people do that kind of shit. So you're dumb. And I'm not. Get it yet?


Probably not. That's okay. I think you should be proud of what you've accomplished here today. You had a clear message, and you sent it, and it was received. Just know, it was received with laughter. Then I looked down at my amazing dong, thought of my hot wife, and masturbated to a picture of myself.


Short Answer: I actually am a bit of a twat. That's accurate.


Note: I fucked your whole family. That girl you like doused her jeans when she saw my fuzzy, wittle balls. They're adorable, and they fit perfectly in her everything.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Question: What are you going to do for Valentine's Day?

As is seemed appropriate to post that top ten list yesterday, I kept this question for today.


And by appropriate I mean, it was for my wife, and if there's only one day a year that she takes priority (and there is) it's Valentine's Day. Even on her birthday, it's still all about me.


Christmas time? Fuck her.


I've lost focus.


So because I was feeling romancey, I choose to project that romancery into my wife's face like a spell that creates semen.


For dinner, I made a cream-sauce lasagna with a shit-tonne of cheese and red peppers, so it was red and white. There's this super-shitty, pink wine she likes, a white zinfandel, that tastes like candy, so I bought that shit too. And then I fucking chilled that wine like a goddamn boss.


Then, I did something I've never done before. I made a fucking cake, son! A vanilla bean cake with cream cheese icing. But not just cream cheese...I macerated some fresh raspberries and mixed that in with the icing, so that shit was pink as fuck. Then, I grated some white chocolate over the top, pretty much guaranteeing a marathon gratitude-sex session like no one has ever witnessed.


We ate all that shit, then my wife went to bed.


Short Answer: Romance is for tools.


Note: I don't really believe that. I'm just bitter because I went to the trouble of shaving my penis.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Question: Why do you love me?

Top Ten Reasons I Love My Wife:


10-1) Boobs.


No, no, we can really do this.


Top Ten Reasons I Love My Wife:


10) You're shaped like a thing that I want to touch with my penis.
9) You're generous to the point of frustration.
8) You're the funniest person I've ever met other than myself.
7) You don't smell bad, no matter how hard you try.
6) You let me be myself.
5) Even when you're a total dick it's kind of adorable.
4) My life is incredible because of you.
3) I get joy from watching you love the things you love.
2) My dream of becoming a professional success is alive because you believe in me.
1) Due to  your continued existence and presence in my vicinity, my personal success is immense, and allows me to face life's many challenges.


Short Answer: Just kidding. It's boobs.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Question: Tribute Band Names?

The Pre-Fab Four
The Whom
The Stepmamas and Papas
The Policemen
On-Paramour
Panic at a Neighboring Disco
The Pretend Pretenders
Pearl Sham
In a Rush Tribute Band
Mountebank Wilco
YouToo


Wow. That's a lot harder than it looks. Here are some real ones that are pretty amazing:


Oasish
Proxy Music
Fake That
Slack Babbath
The Faux Fighters


Short Answer: I think there is a lot of humour to be mined if you already know the band in question. (Example: You know it's Grapes of Wrath, so you call your band a different Steinbeck book. Cannery Row, perhaps?) Also, taking references from a band's albums and songs makes for good tribute names. Like, Life On Mars as a Bowie act, or Never Say Die for Sabbath.


Note: I've got a friend who's in the best Aerosmith tribute band that ever existed. It's called Aerosmith Rocks. http://www.aerosmithtributeband.com/ Worth the price of admission, methinks.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Question: Cancel or update?

Corduroy pants? Update.
Subscription to Face Tattoo Weekly? Cancel.
The Way I Think About Women With Penises? Update.
Tickets to the Gun Show? Cancel.
Wainscoting? Update.
Appointment With the Ball-Waxer Lady? Cancel.
Toyota Tercel Hatchback? Update.
Transformers Movie Sequels? Cancel.
Resume? Update.
Date With Smelly Dave? Cancel
Beehive Hairdo? Update.
Date With Actual Beehive? Cancel.
Opinion When it Comes to Making Romantic Dates With Insect Habitats? Update.
Desire to Keep Things Even in this Post by Doing One Update and Then One Cancel? Update.
Update? Cancel.
Habit of Starting Joke One Way, Getting Bored, Then Switching it Up? Upcancel.
Times I've Had Sex With Your Mother? So many times, dude. So many times. Like, enough times that it's actually getting boring for both of us. People only have so many holes, and their are only so many utensils in the drawers of the kitchen where you grew up and ate your Captain Crunch. Seriously. I've put every ladle, every crazy straw, every single plastic cup up inside your mom's body. There's nothing in there that hasn't been thoroughly cleaned for fear of feeding something slimy to the neighbors during afternoon tea.


Short Answer: Update.
Medium Answer? Cancel.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Question: My mailman sucks at putting mail through my slot. How does this need to be addressed?

So many things. Firstly, this: "If the mailman is too flirty, try giving him what he wants. A faceful of furry ballmeat."


That's a thing I said once.


Next. Addressed? I will assume this amazing pun is not an accident. Good job. (Wait, is that a pun? If not, what is that?)


Finally, let's address the mailman in the room. Through your slot? If you want to fuck him, just fuck him. I'm sure he'd really like it. Just slip off those tiny little shorts and take a pull on his busy little ween.


If you're serious, I guess you could just ask him to be more careful. Then you're that guy. Ugh.


Short Answer: I don't try to correct anyone who has a purposeful walk.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Question: Hi! First time caller, here. What do you think is going on with Bowie not getting a tribute at the Grammys?

Nothing.


There's no way this is some sort of slight against David Bowie. It's not like he's not respected in all annals. I'm guessing this has more to do with the timing of his death.


Bowie died on January 10th of last year, and there was appropriate outcry. Since, there have been many tributes to his legacy, by well-known organizations and artists. Bowie died during/before award season last year, and I think he was acknowledged sufficiently during that period.


I hear that there will be a tribute to Prince and George Michael, both huge stars who died a little more recently. Though Prince died in April, I think it's possible that because of the tragic year that had already begun - and the fact that he passed after awards season - he might not have gotten the amount of tributes that Bowie did. I wouldn't go so far as to say his death was overshadowed, but to me, Prince having a tribute at the Grammys feels fine.


Short Answer: With so many celebrities dying last year, I think it's hard to judge who should and shouldn't get posthumous honors. Feels a bit distasteful to try. Best focus on who we're honoring, not who might have been left out and for what reason. And as I said, Bowie got his honors straight away. Gaga did a big thing for him at the Grammys last year.


Note: Just realized I could've saved myself a lot of time by stating Gaga's 2016 tribute upfront. That's pretty much the entire answer.



Thursday, February 9, 2017

Question: Which shirt should I wear?

The mesh belly top.


Short Answer: You might have to get a perm to pull it off, but I sense you're committed.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Question: How can you not like cucumbers? They don't taste like anything!

They taste like a pair of swim trunks that were used at the public pool, then left in a backpack for most of a fortnight.


But the truth is, I've come around on the cucumber. Its use in sushi has really helped bridge a gap for me. The gap between tolerance and up-chuckery, that is.


Here's a throwback treat:


"The oddness of the cucumber: I've spoken at length about my despise for this weird, green phallus masquerading as foodstuffs before. So instead, I'd just like to focus on the weirdness of the thing. Like it all you want, but please acknowledge that it's a wet, seedy monstrosity sent from hell to dampen your soul."


That's from June 8th of last year. Here's another:


"Oh, by the way, I only hate one food on this fine planet of ours, and that's the Devil's Cock - the cucumber. How the fuck can you people eat that shit? It has the flavor of wet."


From November 24, 2010.


What else is there? The pickle factor has helped, because I like pickles. And just recently I made a mustard-heavy aioli, so that when I dipped the cucumber in, it tasted like these old mustard pickles I used to eat when I was a kid.


Short Answer: The key is the English cucumber, or mini cucumbers. They're more dense and less wet. The traditional fat wanger cucumbers we get in Canada are too far along on the scale of sloppy, viscous puddle water in a green condom.







Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Question: Do you find me attractive?

I have jettisoned a hot spooger from my loins in your direction, good sir.


Oh, you're a woman? Please step aside, ma'am. I don't like what you're selling.


I guess what I'm saying here is that I only find men attractive. Wait. Is that just being gay? Well. Holy shit. There it is.


Short Answer: My wife's gonna be super pissed. I'll just bone it out of her. That'll help. Wait. Does that mean I'm not gay again? Fuck. Back to the drawing board. To draw a dude with hot boobs!


Note: Just read over this entry. A routine check. I thought, afterward, 'That's par for the course.' What the fuck does that say about me, ya figure? This! Doing whatever this is? Par for the course? How is my mother proud of me at all?

Monday, February 6, 2017

Question: Dude! You almost got the Super Bowl right again!

I'll bump this up in the queue because it won't mean shit in a few days.


Yea. But I got the winner wrong again, so fuck me. I guess I'm good at guessing how many points teams will score, just not who the real champions are. It explains why I choose the wife I did. She looks great on paper. Turns out, she's a fuckin' fart machine.


I underestimated Tom Brady. I'm willing to admit it. I'm also willing to admit that anyone who underestimates Tom Brady is a lot like a stupid piece of shit. He's the greatest quarterback of all time. Hoping he isn't doesn't make it so. Just like hoping when my wife farts, that I'm not going to get hit in the face with a waft of steamed garbage a moment later.


So, I was a field goal away from the final score. That counts for something. Maybe a blowjob from the wife? That's the safest way to go, because her end is usually pointing away from me while that's happening.


Short Answer: Seriously. Fuckin' fart machine.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Question: Who's going to win the Super Bowl?

What does it say about me that I thought, 'I should just post an answer from another year.' That I'm dumb? Perhaps. Fuck you.


I've watched less football this year than ever before. But I do have a reputation for picking well, and I even got the score correct once (though the winner and loser were reversed.) The point is, I can see why you'd come to me. And I shall not disappoint.


The Green Bay Packers will win...what? Oh, shit.


Let's try again. I think it's going to be a high-scoring game this year. And I think this is the year that the legacy of Belichick/Brady's Patriots will be put further to the question, as they go to 4 wins and 3 losses in the big game all time, making you say things like, "How can the best team of all time have lost three Super Bowls?" Then others will say, "They fucking won four!" And then, "So did Montana, and he didn't lose a single one!" "Not with the same team!And besides, the Pats still got to the most!" "True, but the Buffalo Bills lost four Super Bowls, and three is almost four." "Nice counting, you fucking wanker! Why don't you count the number of knuckles on this incoming fist!"


You get the idea.


Atlanta Falcons 34, New England Patriots 31


Short Answer: I really have no proper analysis to give this year. If I'm at all close, it will have been a fluke. Not that I won't act like I'm a genius, but just between you and me, I don't know shit.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Question: What are some things you would like to see happen in 2017?

Geez, I hate making things about Trump, but, it's hard to avoid him.


Just take a step back and think of one thing he's done. For example, tweeting negatively at the judge trying to block his immigration ban. Think of how diplomatic any former president would be in handling this situation. Think of how well thought out and controlled the handling of delicate things have to be. Now think of how Trump is completely oblivious to all propriety and manners, and how savage and childish he is in the way he handles everything and everyone. Now stop thinking about that, because it hurts brains.


So my first answer to your question is I'd like to see that change. It's only February and I'm sick to my stomach with this guy. Now some story has come out that he want's 'women' to dress like 'women' at the White House? Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy. I've already had enough. Get him the fuck out of there.


One more. I would like to see Kellyway Conman go the fuck away, too. Or at least get exposed for the idiotic, bullshitting crypt-keeper that she is. It's not okay to have a person like this in the spotlight, leading the stupid down the road to destruction. These are power mongers; they don't care about the people of America, or they wouldn't have 'confusion' as part of their strategy. A real thing, that. This administration wants to keep you confused, angry, and cheering into your trough.


I'm not going to get to anything else, am I? Fuck. I'm so tired of this, and in such a short time. It's unbelievable. I want to leave it alone forever, hide in my blanket fort and never hear his name again. But if we all do that, who knows what the fuck is going to happen?


Short Answer: This is as feared. A four-year battle, on all fronts, to retain common decency among human beings. Good luck to all in 2017. All of my personal goals seem a little petty compared to the possible horrors of this administration. The real question is, how long will it take to repair the damage?


Note: I am not an alarmist. Even a month ago, had I seen a post like this, I'd have thought it a little harsh. Right up until he became President, I still though it probably wouldn't change all that much, that he wouldn't be this much of a piece of shit. I was wrong. Anyone who still thinks we should 'see what he does next' has not had the tale of history told to them. Time to educate the uneducated about this slippery slope, everyone. Trying to suppress and control the media with intimidation and confusion is only one of the things that triggers alarms. The fact that there's more than one is bad, bad news.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Question: I need some innovative puppy/kitten names, stat! Can you help me out?

Innovation is a pretty big ask.


For most people! You came to the right place, motherfucker!


First, here's my cat naming algorithm. First, take a position. (No, not that position; nobody needs to see that.) What I mean is, take a title, like something military or royal. For example: Emperor. Then, an adjective of any sort, whatever pops into your head. How about Filthy? Then, name an article of clothing. We're gonna go with Mittens.


Boom. Emperor Filthy Mittens.
Again? Boom. Captain Saucy Pants.
Once more? Boom. Brigadier General Mousey Boots.


Sometimes it doesn't work. Rear Admiral Inappropriate Skinny Jeans is a little weak. (Or is it?)
Let's try to find a bad one. How about...Prince Regent Ugly Slacks. Or...Corporal Shitty Hat. Or...Sargent Fluffy Socks. Shit, that was really good. Is this infallible? Probably.


Epihipparch Racially-Motivated Sunhat. There we go. That took a while.


Now, for dog naming, I like to go someplace a little more personal. A favorite movie is a good starting point, and a great character within. Ripley from Aliens is a great example. Other great examples - Madmartigan, The Kurgan, Lo-Pan, The Dread Pirate Roberts, etc.


Sometimes, but rarely, you can get away with punny or cute, but I wouldn't go that way. The biggest stretch I'd make on this front would be something like The Dread Pirate Robert, singular. That's cute, but still encompassed by the awesomeness of naming your dog after The Princess Bride, and also naming your dog a pirate.


Things to avoid:


Don't name your dog Sit or Stay or any of that bullshit.


Don't name your cat with a soggy woman's name like Felicia or Priscilla.


Don't give your dog a human name that isn't funny. Doug and Gary are fine. Ken is not. (Though Kenneth comes around back to funny, if you're determined.)


Don't call your cat a traditional dog name. Fido the cat is only funny to you, and you're a fat loser.


Go easy on the names that 'mean something to you' but nobody else knows what the fuck you're talking about. Everyone knows the lady from Evanescence could sing, but that band sucked. Evanescence the dog is an assumed shit heel, and he'll get ridiculed in the park. (Note: Being known as a shit heel is the equivalent of being known as a cunt in human terms.)


Famous characters from literature and even history are almost always winners, as well as mythological names. This works for cats or dogs. Nero, Frodo, Ulysses, Earhart, Newton, Lucifer, Watson and so on.


Short Answer: These are my dogs, Ken and Adam. Hear it? It's bad. These are my dogs, Gary and Doug. Ding-ding-ding! Winner.



Thursday, February 2, 2017

Question: What's your jam?

Songs That Make Me Wanna Say: "This is my jam, right here."


50) 24 Hours From Tulsa - Gene Pitney
49) Wrong Number - The Cure
48) Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
47) You're the Voice - John Farnham
46) Two Out of Three Ain't Bad - Meatloaf
45) Into Everything - Moist
44) Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
43) Fall At Your Feet - Crowded House
42) Pulling Muscles From The Shell - Squeeze
41) Against All Odds - Phil Collins
40) And Then He Kissed Me - The Shirelles
39) A Penny More - The Skydiggers
38) Stephanie Says - The Velvet Underground
37) Careless Whisper - Wham!
36) Cherish - Madonna
35) The Promise - When In Rome
34) Take My Breath Away - Berlin
33) Wonderwall - Ryan Adams
32) Sharing the Night Together - Dr. Hook
31) Babe - Styx
30) About a Girl (unplugged) - Nirvana
29) Untitled - Age of Electric
28) The Longest Time - Billy Joel
27) Too Funky - George Michael
26) Cream - Prince
25) God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
24) Try - Blue Rodeo
23) I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
22) Life On Mars - Bowie
21) Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
20) I Want You So Bad - Heart
19) San Tropez - Pink Floyd
18) You May Be Right - Grapes of Wrath
17) Say It Isn't So - Hall and Oates
16) Aqualung - Jethro Tull
15) Glorified G - Pearl Jam
14) Sea of Love - Phil Phillips
13) Love is Strange - Micky & Sylvia
12) People Are Strange - The Doors
11) The Heart of the Matter - Don Henley
10) Guns For Hands - Twenty One Pilots
9) Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
8) Record Body Count - Rheostatics
7) Killer Queen - Queen
6) Breakfast in America - Supertramp
5) D'yer Maker - Led Zeppelin
4) I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders
3) Just What I Needed - The Cars
2) Leper Messiah - Metallica
1) Heaven Beside You - Alice in Chains


Short Answer: Something being 'your jam' is pretty arbitrary. Probably a bunch of different songs on another day.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Question: Whoopa noopa snoose?

Whoopa dimpa noopa snoose? Am I right?


What the fuck is this bullshit?


I don't even...I can't...


How are you absolute mongoloids finding out about this blog? Have I been posted on some sort of brain-injury chat room?


Listen, stop drooling, leave me alone, and take twice to fifteen times as many pills as they're suggesting. Cause honey, that shit ain't workin'.


Short Answer: I profess to know many things, but I will never, ever know who nooped the snoose.