Thursday, January 26, 2017

Question: Why was I thrown out of UN headquarters?

This happens a lot on blog. You people out there, you're not all idiots. You get that I can't possibly know who asked the question, and so you lay it out for me - giggling with balled hands in front of your mouth - waiting for me to take your premise and turn it into hilarity. I'm like conversion therapy for shitty premises.

Let's pretend Donald Trump asked this question. You were thrown out because you threatened to leave the UN, then when you showed up you acted like you'd never said those things, then you became wishy-washy about the whole leaving thing because you're not as much of an idiot as you seem, then some asshole Republican at your back pulled on the string, and you spewed a bunch of right wing nonsense that I don't even think matches your own ideology. (I can't believe that what I've been wishing for lately is for Trump to actually do things on his own, and buck the Republican leadership around him. Can't be much worse than this puppet show we're seeing now.)

If you aren't Donald Trump, then you're probably smart enough to know why you were thrown out of a place. "I didn't touch anybody with it," does not suffice as an excuse and you bloody well know it.

But because the Donald frequents my blog, you can be pretty sure it's his question. His pouty, wispy-haired, eighty-percent body fat question.

Short Answer: Donald Trump is a moron. Who complains about small hands? If we've learned anything from Deadpool (#driveby, #OscarsSoSnubby), it's that small hands make your penis look huge.

Note: That only reads like a filthy pedophile joke if you haven't seen Deadpool. So go see Deadpool. #Deadpoolfannotpedophiliafan

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