Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Question: Are you into trolling?

Where I grew up, trolling meant putting your fishing line over the backside of a moving boat. So, a little.


Where I grew up, trolling meant trying to expose huge, stinky monsters to the light so they'd turn to stone before they got a chance to club you and eat your bones. So, a little.


Hmmmm. I guess this isn't one I can easily avoid. Did you know that I thought trolling was harmless at first? To me, trolling is making an off-color joke, or a joke of contrast, in an attempt to be funny. Like if someone posts a pretty picture, you say, 'Yuck', something I actually did just the other day. But to most people, that's not what trolling means, I'm sad to discover. It means being a mean dick.


So the answer is yes and no. By my own definition, I think there's a time and place to be a facetious little troll, poking and prodding at the edges of society like a masked, stand-up comedian, reflecting norms back onto people with a little lunacy. But the being a dick kind of trolling, where you say hateful things because you have no other outlet for spewing your demons? That shit's fucking weak. Weak in principal and weak in character. There's really no need to be a dick in any forum.


Short Answer: The idea that part of trolling is trying to offend someone is becoming totally lost, now that people are offended by almost anything and everything anyway. With the level of sensitivity as high as it is, everyone's a troll and a mark, at the same time all the time. It's gotten pretty ridiculous. Next time you get offended by something, don't even think about what the person's motivation might have been; just assume it was positive. Assume they were being silly, or that they made their comment in a whacky voice. Ease off the pedal that you've stomped down on that says you can understand everyone else's intentions through words alone. Let me tell you, most people can't voice how they feel through words. That's why writing is so hard. So chill the fuck out, dudes.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Question: ASDF?

You win the award for the laziest fucking question of all time.


Some of you out there may be fooled. Because there are over a dozen, relatively well-known usages for this acronym, you may be thinking that I'm missing the point.


Fuck that. I know you people! This isn't some shit about air self-defense or secure file space or average square difference function. This is the home row for your left hand on a keyboard.


The fact that you bothered to capitalize the letters is a nice touch. That makes it seem like you had to shift with each character typed. But I'm onto you, motherfucker! You just left the caps lock on! Faaaaaaaaaauck you!


My answer to you, with even less effort, is: jkl;.


Short Answer: Tesseradecades, aftercataracts and sweaterdresses. That's called fighting fire with fire, bitch!


Note: Didn't get this? These are the longest - and therefore most impressive - words you can type while solely using your left hand on the keyboard. If you got this without the note, give yourself a handjob. You've earned it!


Double Note: I also have a lollipop monopoly, for those who are interested.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Question: What color should my carpet be?

What color are your drapes?


Short Answer: This joke brought to you by the phenomenon where I say a thing, and you're like, 'That's such an obvious thing, why didn't I think of that?' And if you did think of this in the same nanosecond that I did, you are as handsome as I am, with nearly as big a penis. (Sorry if you're a lady. Bit of a surprise penis, I guess. Should I have stopped writing this some time ago?)


Note: I asked my wife the question, to see if she would think as I think. She shouted, "Purple! Dark, rich purple. Like, Prince purple." She is not as handsome as I am, with no surprise penis. And now I have to deal with the fact that she wants to bathe our abode in purple. Pubes didn't even occur to her. Not even a little. Just living in a seventies nightmare of lush, purple carpet, hanging out with the kind of people who wouldn't assume an impending orgy or séance was out of order, and...should I have stopped writing this some time ago?

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Question: Funt?

Percentages dictate it is usually advantageous to funt, at least on pourth down.


Is that good enough? Probably not.


All right.


Things Funt Might Mean:


Fucking Cunt
Fumbled Punt
Foul Bunt
Fox Hunt
Festive Bundt
Fastidious Grunt
Failing Shunt
Free-balling Runt (you know who you are)
Fantastic Stunt
Fornication Sprunt


Short Answer: Sprunt is an old Scottish word that means 'chasing women around haystacks after dark'. My version is high stakes. "Boys, let's funt these bitches!" (For the sensitive out there, the women in this joke are totally into being funted. I mean what girls don't love a good funting?)


Note: You know who you are.





Friday, January 27, 2017

Question: In a dream where the ninja turtles slaughtered each other over mask fabric, why was their blood purple?

Because they had low oxygen levels after the vehemence with which they massacred each other?


Your dream is weird.


Why would they fight over mask fabric? They all wear different colors. It's the one thing everyone knows about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, besides the teenage, ninja and mutant part. And the fact that they are turtles. That's actually a lot. It's pretty much the fifth thing people know about them. It goes:


1: Turtles
2: Ninjas
3: Mutants
4: Teenagers
5: Different Colored Mask Fabrics
6: Turtle Power


Did Donatello have some particular significance in your dream? Is he your favorite ninja turtle? His mask is purple. See what I'm doing?


I guess your question brings up a lot more questions than it does answers. Are you okay? Do you often have dreams where foursomes murder each other? Or where cherished, childhood things get into arguments that could be solved by a trip to the Sewing Nook? Or where Prince is about?


Short Answer: Dreams are hard to answer, so instead I'll do what I want. Michelangelo was my favorite turtle until Michael Bay took a huge shit all over him and made him into an absolute moron. Now none of them are my favorite. That's the Bay effect. I don't have a favorite Transformer anymore, or a favorite Meghan Fox, either. And I'm pretty sure he's responsible for turning a promising young Shia Labeouf into...whatever he is now.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Question: Why was I thrown out of UN headquarters?

This happens a lot on blog. You people out there, you're not all idiots. You get that I can't possibly know who asked the question, and so you lay it out for me - giggling with balled hands in front of your mouth - waiting for me to take your premise and turn it into hilarity. I'm like conversion therapy for shitty premises.


Let's pretend Donald Trump asked this question. You were thrown out because you threatened to leave the UN, then when you showed up you acted like you'd never said those things, then you became wishy-washy about the whole leaving thing because you're not as much of an idiot as you seem, then some asshole Republican at your back pulled on the string, and you spewed a bunch of right wing nonsense that I don't even think matches your own ideology. (I can't believe that what I've been wishing for lately is for Trump to actually do things on his own, and buck the Republican leadership around him. Can't be much worse than this puppet show we're seeing now.)


If you aren't Donald Trump, then you're probably smart enough to know why you were thrown out of a place. "I didn't touch anybody with it," does not suffice as an excuse and you bloody well know it.


But because the Donald frequents my blog, you can be pretty sure it's his question. His pouty, wispy-haired, eighty-percent body fat question.


Short Answer: Donald Trump is a moron. Who complains about small hands? If we've learned anything from Deadpool (#driveby, #OscarsSoSnubby), it's that small hands make your penis look huge.


Note: That only reads like a filthy pedophile joke if you haven't seen Deadpool. So go see Deadpool. #Deadpoolfannotpedophiliafan

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Question: They discovered a massive wave structure in Venus's atmosphere. What's the deal, man?

This is because Venusians are bodacious.


Is that enough of a surf term to make this joke work?


This is because Venusians are tubular?
This is because Venusians are radical?
This is because Venusians like the movie Point Break?
This is because Venusians are non-heinous?


Wait, why isn't it Venu-t-ians? We don't call Mars people Marsians.


Get your shit together, cosmos!


Short Answer: It's just an atmospheric gravity wave. Chill out, brah. Wait, is that a surfer thing? Hang loose, dude. Better. That could've been gnarly.



Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Question: I heard a rumor on the internet that you don't drink coffee. What are you a fucking mormon?

Only in the sense that I bed many different ladies and each of those ladies pretends they're totally fine with it but in reality, they are not.


I don't drink coffee because it hurts my anus. Not that I need the stuff. I don't have much of a problem when it comes to energy or mood. If I was on the coffee, I'd have to wear a football helmet everywhere because I'd be bouncing off the bloody walls.


I guess what I'm saying is I'm a superior being. But isn't that always what I'm saying when you get right down to it?


Short Answer: Let's 'get right down to it' is what I say to the ladies when I wanna play silly buggers.


Note: I actually quite like coffee. It's the caffeine that fucks me up. Even decaf can send my insides in a squirrely direction; the direction that leads to the toilet and my imitation of a muddy hose.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Question: What's the deal with airline food?

If this isn't a serious question, I get it. You're making fun of observational humor. We good?


If it is, airline food is kind of interesting. Because the perception of sweet and salty can drop up to 30 percent at high altitudes, airline food can taste bland. I've heard of some airline catering companies that actually over-season their food to try to make up for this. In addition, the cabin pressure dries out our olfactory senses, making it harder to taste properly. Then, we don't drink water on planes. We tend to drink alcohol, which adds to all the dehydrating effects.


That's pretty much why your chicken breast tastes like drywall.


Short Answer: I've always thought the only real purpose of airline food was to break up a long fight. You can't go out for a smoke or tug one off - at least not in your seat - so you get happy about meal time, even if the food does taste like the underside of a flip-flop.



Sunday, January 22, 2017

Question: What do you smell like?

Is that two smell questions in a row?


I'm a lucky guy!


What I Smell Like - Possibilities:


A leather satchel filled with pico de gallo
Sandalwood soaked in vinegar
Pickle juice and strawberry lip gloss
A dolphin's anus
Root beer and asparagus pee
A homeless man's upper lip
A battlefield infirmary unconventionally placed inside a tire factory
Lion's breath and tiger milk
A balut egg doused in green tabasco
The inside of a leotard worn by a middle-aged woman recently shot from a cannon.
Fresh tennis balls
Diarrhea submarine
An empty movie theater with a hint of post-rain air
An old wig left in a shoebox with old shoes
The recently depressed pump on a pair of Reebok Pumps
The sea a half-kilometer away from a rotting whale carcass
Like someone who missed a bit when they wiped
Nipple tape


Short Answer: One of these is accurate. Also, Diarrhea Submarine is a good name for a band.





Saturday, January 21, 2017

Question: Does napalm smell just as good at night?

Fuck. I don't even know what to do with this. I guess napalm is a pretty funny subject. Something that kills the shit out of people is a funny reference if you're looking for that perfect word in a sentence. It's not like I haven't used it in place of the oft overused dumpster fire or hot garbage.


But today, for some reason, I've got nothing funny to say about it. Maybe it's because I'm not a big fan of Apocalypse Now, or maybe it's because Donald Trump just napalmed the White House website, eliminating pages about civil rights, immigration and climate change. (I didn't fact check this, but what are the chances it's not true?)


That's the most fucked up thing about Trump as president. The fake news that became prevalent during his campaign is prophetic and habit forming. Anything said about this guy could actually be true, so why bother assuming otherwise?


I believe this is the first time that I've brought up this shitstorm of burnt umber and twigs without being prompted, and I apologise for it. I won't do it on the regular, it's just that today, looking around the interwebs, I got that depressed feeling. I honestly don't think I can handle this fucker for four years. I'm already having trouble in a world where absolute fools and crooks are being named to the highest positions of government. Though his misspelled tweets are nothing by comparison, they are attached to the same turd-iceburg, floating just below the murky, orange surface.


Short Answer: Napalm can be made with orange juice and gasoline, I hear. Maybe that's why it made me think of Trump. It's also a good word for any derogatory monikers. Perhaps, braggadocios napalm fuckstick, or boorish napalm wigstain, or moronic napalm dick-cheese factory...you get the idea.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Question: Hi. I'm interested in hooking up. I'm blonde for real, and I'm busty and fit, and I love sex. If I was to offer myself to you, would you be interested? Like, if I said, let's meet up and do it, what would happen?

I'll tell you what would happen. I'd have sex with you!


Then, I'd go home to my wife, and she'd be all like, "What were you doing?"


and I'd say, "Not having sex with a busty, blonde girl I met on line, that's for sure."


"That's a very specific response," she'd reply.


"What's that over there?" I'd say, pointing over her shoulder. Then, when she turned, I'd go for a sucker punch to the solar plexus.


She'd probably dodge and claw my face Catwoman style, and I'd go down in a heap crying. Between sobs and snot, I'd admit - in great detail - what I had done all over your tits and hopefully face.


Then she'd put her hands on her hips and sigh, and say, "How many is that? Three-hundred thousand or so?"


And I'd say, "Three-hundred thousand, one hundred and twenty-one. No, wait, twenty-two. I forgot the hand job I got from Teresa at the Safeway yesterday morning."


Then she'd smile. "I forget how good Teresa is at hand jobs."


I would look up at her and smile, and she'd smile back. I would know, in that moment, that she once again understood my proclivities and was willing to forgive me.


It's hard for her, you see, to be married to a man that everybody wants to do sex to. She's had to hear many a harrowing story about things going in and out of my butt and mouth, sometimes both. She takes it all like a champion, just the way I take the ass to mouth stuff.


So I guess what I'm saying is, I'll put a dollop in you, trollop, if you're willing to get in line.


Short Answer: I don't know how I feel about that whole dollop/trollop thing that just happened. It wasn't planned at all. It just came out. Huh, that reminds me of a story...

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Question: What are the best movies ever made?

Good lord!


Have we lost all sense of decorum? You want me to make a definitive best movies ever list? I don't come to your job and tell you to put a way bigger ball-gag in your mouth than you're accustomed to.


There's no way I'm going to get into another conversation about the difference between 'good' and 'like'. It's a constant struggle to define it for myself and then explain those definitions to others. Suffice it to say, I differentiate, and a 'best' movies list makes me think of good more than like. In other words, taking my personal biases aside - as best I can - what are the best movies ever made?


The Godfather and The Godfather: Part 2


If one of these was clearly the better film, I would likely call it the best film ever made. Only the split between fans keeps it from being a definitive victory. If you could take the two movies together, as one whole story, it wins horse's head down.


Jaws


My personal pick for the greatest film of all time if I allow some bias to seep in. Not only is it a fantastic film, it affected the world in a tangible way. To this day, people fear sharks far more than is necessary, and I'm afraid of the water.


Casablanca and/or Citizen Kane


I don't love either of these movies, but other people sure do.


The Shawshank Redemption


A more modern classic, this one creeps into a lot of top tens, as well as holding the number one all-time spot on IMDB.


Schindler's List


The subject matter alone makes it hard for me to celebrate it in the way I'd celebrate, say, Big Trouble in Little China, but I guess it's great.


Rear Window


Okay, okay, now I'm blurring the lines. A Hitchcock movie must be included. I think this is my favorite, but it's splitting hairs between this, Vertigo and Psycho. (Never been a big fan of North by Northwest.)


2001: A Space Odyssey


The de facto Kubrick film isn't even close to my favorite, but it seems to get a lot of respect from best of collections.


Now that I've covered that, here's a quick look at some of my personal best movie picks:


A Clockwork Orange
American Beauty
Braveheart
Halloween
Oldboy
Repulsion
Grosse Pointe Blank
In Bruges
Black Swan
Alien
Oldboy
The Exorcist
Dr. Strangelove
Reservoir Dogs
The Orphanage
Shaun of the Dead
The Dark Knight
The Ring
Chinatown
Superbad
Iron Man
Unforgiven
Metropolis
Seven
Rashomon
L.A. Confidential
American History X
Big Trouble in Little China
Inside (A L'Interieur)
Memento
Fight Club
The Usual Suspects


Short Answer: Maybe one day I'll compile a definitive list of my favorite films of all-time, but it feels like a monumental undertaking. This is a good first step, I suppose.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Question: What did you think of Joss Whedon's tweet to Paul Ryan?

You won't be surprised to hear that I think people take shit way too seriously. If everyone just fucking relaxed a little, and stopped projecting negative intention onto everyone else, things would go a lot smoother.


I've been called out before for doing the opposite, which is assuming everyone's joking, but let me tell you, it makes for a happier life. And I get that some things aren't jokes, and some jokes are mean, and many kinds of speech can incite and encourage negative behaviour, and still I think we should assume the most positive intentions of one another. The contrary is this shit-mess we've got ourselves in right now.


If I'm trying to make someone laugh, nothing you say about the words I chose are going to change what my original goal was. Yes I might have said it better, or made a better joke, or taken something into account I hadn't thought of, but I was still trying to spread joy. Have we forgotten the value of that? Let alone the value of people who understand that there could be collateral damage, and make that joke anyway, knowing that there will be more positive than negative? I'd much rather have ten people laughing at a joke and three people pissed off, than not tell the joke at all. That's a plus seven turned into a zero by cowardice.


Some people think pissing off those three people isn't worth it. Sometimes, I might agree. But when you can be sure that at least one of those people has a stick up their ass, and another of those people is a moron, the numbers start to tip even further toward free speech and humour.


I think Joss Whedon was just trying to be funny when he tweeted that. Yes he doesn't like Paul Ryan, and yes the tweet was technically violent. Fuck it, let's even go so far as to say that he actually would enjoy it if a rhino fucked Paul Ryan to death, it's not like he thinks it will ever happen. And it's not like he's inciting rhino wranglers to unleash a horny one into Paul Ryan's private bathroom during tubby time.


Short Answer: Everybody chill the fuck out. People can say what they want. Even if it's not kinda funny. If we didn't have brave souls who said fucked up things, many people would never think differently, or laugh to help heal all the real problems in the world. Rhino fuckery isn't one of them.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Question: What's that noise in my wall?

Ass gremlins?
Stocking trolls?
Half-asleep toe-biters?
A cockroach as big as your fist?
Hades gnomes?
That mouse you chased, back with an adorable chainsaw?
A thumb-less hand?
Elder god?
Your water pipes reforming into a steam-powered engine of penetration?
A callous squirrel?
The end of days?
Greased-up Trump?
Coalesced mal-intent?
A fat rabbi reading excerpts from Bridge to Terabithia?
One joke too many, skewing the entire legitimacy of your silly list?


Short Answer: It's probably just whatever used to live in your closet or under your bed. We've figured out a lot of its methods, but talons allow you to move easily through the ducts.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Question: If you were part of the original lineup of a famous rock band, and then you left before they got super famous, would you live a life of regret?

This sounds very specific. I'm guessing you're asking for a friend?


Listen, chum. No point in living a life of regret. Even if you bum-murdered some innocent dudes, you're not doing anyone any favors by wallowing in those filthy memories. Might as well pick yourself up and get to that prison library and read some fucking Judy Blume. Am I right? Anyone?


Being in a band isn't all it's cracked up to be. You usually don't make much coin, and though there's a dump truck full of pussy every night, there's also a wagon load of cock-gobbling, sexually transmitted diseases. It's hard to have no cares in the world without picking up a little of the herp.


Fame is also empty and useless, so what's the point? Long touring schedules and partying until puking is as normal as watery shits. Let it go. Leave it behind. We need more engineers and educators. Get off the booze, the pussy and the thrill of tight leather and join society.


Short Answer: None of this was true. You really fucked up. Your life is forfeit. (The Judy Blume part still stands. I suggest Superfudge.)

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Question: Movie lines that repeat in your head on a regular basis?

"Here's a nice piece of shit."
"Larry, stop pointing that fucking gun at my dad!"
"The flowers are still standing!"
"I'm your huckleberry."
"First thing's fucking last."
"That's the grossest thing I've ever heard; let's go!"
"I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business."
"Well now your back is going to hurt because you just pulled landscaping duty."
"No, not fucking Brian Dennehy!"
"Now suck my cock."
"We are awesome monster bashers. The meanest. The baddest."
"Waitin' on you now."
"Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?"
"Hashtag drive-by."
"Have you tried not being a mutant?"


Short Answer: An alarming amount of Adam Sandler movies. Here's the list, out of order. You can play match 'em up.


1) Southpark: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
2) Captain America: The Winter Soldier
3) Happy Gilmore
4), 5) Reservoir Dogs
6) Team America: World Police
7) Deadpool
8) The Wedding Singer
9) Iron Man
10), 11) Billy Madison
12) X2: X-Men United
13) The Lost Boys
14) Ghostbusters
15) Tombstone



Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Question: What woold Keith do?

I left your typo in because it made me laugh. If it wasn't a typo, fuck you.

What would I do? Kick all the balls and make the panties drop.

Short Answer: You're obviously not a regular reader. If you are, you should've seen this coming.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Question: Question: Question: Question:

This is a dirty trick I would never have thought of.


It looks like there's some sort of error, which may keep people from reading whatever I write in response. Was this your intention? If so, you're some special kind of ugly dick, sir.


So I suppose I'm to assume that people aren't reading this, so I guess it's a good time to write about something that people don't want to read about.


I really wish poetry was more of a thing. I wish more people wrote it and shared it. But I also wish - hypocritical as it may be - that more people read poetry, studied it, talked about it and understood it, so that when they share their own, it doesn't suck dry balls. I wish there was a culture for it, so I could feel part of that culture, rather than feeling like a one-to-three man show.


I've had the most publications and made the most money off of poetry out of all my career endeavors. As a writer, it's accurate to classify me as a poet, and as a career creative, it's accurate to say poetry is my primary occupation. And yet I feel alone in that pursuit, and the fact that it's unpopular makes attaining wealth near impossible.


Let me say it this way, simply. The thing that people most seem to think I'm good at, if metrics like open wallets mean anything, is something that I'll never be able to do for a living. Some people do live as poets, but the chance of being one of those few folks is slimmer than most sexy cigarettes. I'd have a better chance becoming a runway model. I've got the hips for it, don't laugh.


Luckily it's not my dream. My dream is to be a novelist. This, by some, would also be considered a pipedream, and yet I see it as having a much larger chance of success. I find this strange. Poetry is such a large part of our written history, something that was much more respected and beloved before our dastardly modern age. As a fan, I'm not sure where it went. As a realist, I totally get it.


I have no solution. I just think the idea that anyone could fall in love with an old, dying thing, and choose to pursue it, and the result could be a life of poverty and unfulfilled dreams is a terrible, tragic occurrence. Even though it isn't my ultimate goal, there are people who dream of being poets, and those dreams are - appropriately - the saddest dreams.


Short Answer: Short Answer: Short Answer: Short Answer:

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Questions: List the provocations?

Did someone use a translator to ask this question? This feels Spanish. Was it Spanish?


I guess I'm just supposed to know how many provocations there are. And I do.


The Seven Provocations


1) Tugging a man's beard.
2) Elbowing a woman's boob.
3) Serving cocktail wienies without cocktail sauce.
4) Trying to fuck a beached whale's blow hole.
5) Speaking loudly over a funny noise.
6) Offering consensual tentacle sex.
7) Making your bed...into another bed!


Short Answer: I've always been a provocateur. Is that French? It feels French.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Question: How do I overcome an opponent with oddly sturdy nuts? Please hurry.

No one can argue that nuts are sensitive, but they're rarely time sensitive.


Have you thought about trying to pleasure this opponent with your mouth, rather than whatever you were going to do to him that would make the sturdiness of his nuts relevant? Lick, don't punch! A person will have a hard time opposing you if your mouth is full of their junk.


I guess this might be an after school fight or a test of manhood at the local Y, so maybe a full on, balls-deep, drooly-chest blowjob isn't appropriate. In that case, attack the other most sensitive parts of a man's body. His eyes or his ego.


Short Answer: "How long has your hair been thinning?" + thumb in the eye.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Question: Why do I sympathize with Greedo?

Because you're always getting jizzed on before you get a chance to finish?


That's a joke about shooting!


Star Wars!


Short Answer: If it's because you're green, stop asking me questions! Only mammals!

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Question: Could you provide a list of predictions for 2017 covering sports, film, aardvarks and science?

This is rather broad.


Sure.


Sports: Winners and losers. Idiots celebrating when they shouldn't. Drug and gun scandals.


Film: Superhero movies good. All other movies mediocre. Oscar movies predictable and boring. Shitloads of money made by all.


Aardvarks: Irreverent humour remains underwhelming.


Science: Robot penis! Come on, robot penis!


Short Answer: I need a robot penis because my human flesh penis is worn out from all the doing it inside your female family members.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Question: What do you do when you're not in the mood?

I make a big, fat frowny-face.


Is this a sex question? Sometimes I make questions into sex questions just for funsies, but I try not to take a totally non-sex question and misinterpret it by accident.


So I'm going to assume this isn't a sex question. You can get your sex-type answers anywhere. For example, this post, which I found while checking to see if I'd answered your question before:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/12/question-how-do-you-get-her-in-mood.html


I hadn't.


When I'm not in the mood, I tend to huddle. Not with all my fat friends like in football, but by myself, locked in my house, with a blanket on and no pants. If I'm not in the mood to write the blog - in case that's what you were asking - I try to choose a question that evokes a curt response. Yes or no questions suffice, or questions that piss me off, or questions I'll never want to answer in a lengthy manner.


I'm rarely in a bad mood, so I try to remind myself that it will pass, and I should allow myself the natural response. I might play video games, or eat take-out, or masturbate once more than my regular average of 'one-half times to one time'.


Short Answer: I guess I'm just like everybody else in this regard. Which makes me sick to my stomach!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Question: Do you have any thoughts or feelings about the misuse of funds in the federal government?

A couple.


Mainly, I'd rather have thoughts or feelings about anything else. For example, two women having sex with each other. Lots of thoughts and feelings about that. Good ones, too.


In fact, two men having sex with each other brings up some pretty positive thoughts and feelings, compared to the ones I have about the topic in question.


Now that I think of it, a pig having some sort of inter-special orgy with...let me see... a duck and a mongoose? That's pretty awesome in at least a few ways, and therefore a few ways more than the thoughts/feelings I have about the misuse of funds in the federal government.


I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't want to talk about the thing you asked about. I'd rather talk about the communication problems that come about when a bird and a pig try to fuck a mongoose without letting their balls touch.


Short Answer: I think that's a perfect image.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Question: What did you learn in 2016?

Lotsa stuff.


1. How to spell 'lots of'.
2. I don't like talking about bratty idiots, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't, because they might become leader of the free world.
3. I had a good run.
4. Radio is a thing.
5. Lots of people want to read my work. Few want to pay for it.
6. If you write three short books instead of three long books, you still wrote three books.
7. If you call a line you wrote on a toilet stall a book, who's going to know?
8. The world is great, despite what the news says.
9. A woodpecker's wings sound different in flight than a raven's.
10. Trying new things is important. Failure is supposed to be as well, but I'll get back to you.
11. Long walks and stimulants are the key to creative success.
12. 1984 is still the greatest book ever written.
13. I'm not a psychopath. Not that I would've cared.
14. People die. Even famous ones.
15. Real, important, truthful journalism is dying and we need to get on that stat.
16. Television can consistently be better than movies.
17. To block anyone on social media who even comes close to an offhand spoiler, because it saves you pain in the long run.
18. My wife is different than I thought and it's okay.
19. I've got an angry tummy.
20. I can't solve anything by being stressed out all the time, or by trying to multitask while I'm multitasking.
21. I should stop trying to solve everything.
22. I need to re-learn how to learn to learn better.
23. I prefer sex from behind.
24. Years aren't good or bad; moments are. (And moments pass far more quickly, though I suppose I knew that already.)
25. No matter how hard I try to be straightforward and honest, no matter how hard I try to be myself and make other people happy, I am a confusing, difficult person who is still capable of making people unhappy.
26. By liking something on social media, you're feeding your own addiction as well as someone else's. (Still don't know if this is good, bad or really bad.)
27. Podcasts are a thing.
28. Reading classic literature doesn't necessarily give you insight. It also doesn't promise to make you a better person, writer or reader. Sometimes, it's just something that was good before good got better.
29. I am getting older.
30. I must struggle to be wiser.


Short Answer:


Things I Already Knew That Were Reinforced in 2016


1. I like David Bowie.
2. I love myself.
3. I'm good enough, but I must find a way to get better.
4. I am a plunderer of knowledge, not a natural student.
5. Someone weird could become president if we let too much money into the game.
6. People are almost willing to take a chance on me.
7. Ambition is not happiness, no matter how it attempts to skew your perspective.
8. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the funniest. I don't have the biggest penis.
9. I have a wonderful partner. She is generous and has swell boobs.
10. Tampons don't go in the butt. (Stupid Keith! Stupid!)