Monday, October 16, 2017

Question: Monkey nuts or monkey butts?

For eating...nuts.
For smelling...butts.
For making necklaces...nuts.
For making friends...butts.
For helping to control the monkey population...nuts.
For cleaning up after a Monkey brand cigarettes smoking party...butts.
For putting in squirrel cheeks...nuts.
For interrupting simian conversation...buts.
For calling out a clumsy-ass monkey...klutz.
For naming monkey pharaohs...tuts.
For assessing where all the extra strokes came from in a poorly played monkey golf outing...putts.
For monkey figure skating...triple lutz.

Short Answer: Monkeys are funny.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Question: Why don't you have a gun problem in Canada?

Because once you have cutlery control laws in place, it's hard to escalate.

Is that funny?

Lemme try again. In Canada, we're so peace loving that we have cutlery control instead of gun control.


In Canada, we don't need gun control. We man up and kill each other with sporks!

I give up.

Fuck this gun stuff, man. It doesn't even need to be discussed. It's absurd how many people in America actually agree that something should be done. It's a tiny, greedy, loud-as-fuck minority that's fucking things up for everyone, and I won't be giving them any airtime.

The compassionate masses need to get their heads out of their asses and handle this shit. Maybe elect a few people who'll actually do something about the gun culture.

Or maybe they can't, 'cause the system is a broken loop of corruption and power-mongering and thievery.

Short Answer: Did you come here for jokes? Well you're in luck!

Note: The most accurate answer to this question might be that we simply don't have enough people to have a gun problem. Surely the culture is different, but there may be a critical mass element to how many guns are needed to 'start a problem'. In America, there's pretty much a gun for every person, in Canada, we have only a third as many. Take into account the difference in populations, and you've got a very different dynamic.

Personal Note: My answer to all this is: don't shoot people. But that doesn't seem to work at all. People just love shooting people. They fucking love it. So maybe, just maybe, if when you reached for your gun you got a fistful of letter opener instead, we might have less of an issue.

Canadiana Note: Letter openers are considered 'cutlery' in Canada.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Question: If you were visited by an alien, what would be the first thing you'd say?

Top Ten Things I'd Say to an Alien Visitor

10) "Sorry about the mess."
9) "On planet earth, humans probe you."
8) "Nice work on the X-Files."
7) "Coffee or tea or...people?"
6) "The whole Jesus Juice thing, that was just one of us."
5) " many species have you killed?"
4) "Nice hat."
3) "Should I hug you or pet you like a dog? That's a dog. This is petting. Is that a ray gun?"
2) "No, no, no, Trump is a joke. If you want to be taken to our leader he's a guy named Elon."
1) "Get me the fuck out of here."

Top Ten Things They'd Say Back

10) "That's cool. Our spaceship looks like the garbage fire on planet Urbst took a shit in it."
9) "Good joke. Now bend the fuck over."
8) "I know, right? We were out there!"
7) "Good joke. Now get in the microwave."
6) "We don't think he touched those kids. You know, because Thriller's so good."
5) "Today?"
4) "Nice tits."
3) "What's a dog? Oh. Hey! Back the fuck up, long pig!"
2) "Elon? That's hilarious! My brother in-law is named Elon. Elon Forgortlabargadool.
1) "Sorry, dude. We can't. We took a dinosaur once and he was a real pain in the ass. Always asking for more towels at the space hotel."

Short Answer: Don't look too hard at the 'towels for the dinosaur' joke. It wasn't a reference to being covered in tar from the tar pits or anything smart like that. I just thought the image of a dinosaur peeking out to ask for - yet again- more fresh towels was funny.

Note: "Also, is the ice machine on this floor working? It makes a funny noise and then coughs out, like, a few cubes. Is that the way they're designed here?"

Double Note: Alternate Number 2 joke: If you want to be taken to our leader, he's a guy named 'The Rock'.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Question: Haberdashery or Gobbledygook?

Haberdashery means: the goods and services sold by a haberdasher.

Gobbledygook means: silly words that aren't real.

So what the fuck do these things have to do with each other? Did you just pick two words that you didn't know the meanings of? That seems likely, on account of one of the words meaning 'nonsense words' and the other word sounding like a nonsense word.

Somehow, you thought this was funny. I believe the phrase goes a little sumpin' like this:

Stick to your fucking day job.

The only way this would be okay (and this is possible due to the capital 'G') is if these were somehow two proper nouns, like the names of bands. If that's the case, my apologies. Otherwise, eat a box of old poos, dingus.

Short Answer: We both know that these aren't bands. We both know that you're destined - if not today, someday - to eat a box of old poos.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Question: Could you suggest some good fall music and for bonus points Halloween music?


Fall music. Like, Humpty Dumpty?


See what I did there? Because he had a great fall? Holy fuck! Is this what genius feels like?



I find Feist to be quite autumnal. Also, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Something about mellow rock tunes with a great female vocalist. That's how fall makes me feel, man.


Also Bowie's Station to Station or Low, the White Duke stuff, matches up with my fall feelings.

Now...what the fuck is Halloween music? You mean, like, Monster Mash?

Here are a couple of old posts dealing with scary music:

Good luck, fuckers!

Short Answer: I wish Humpty Dumpty on you! (Have a great fall! Holy shit! That's amazing! I love myself! Wait, wait is this the pride before the...fall?)

Note: (uproarious laughter)


Double Personal Note: (This has nothing to do with the above question. Just asking a favor.) Check out my friend's travel blog/website:

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Question: Could yo do a new top ten list?

(The 'yo do' made me laugh so I left it in.)

Now I gotta think of a damn...

Okay, here's an idea.

Top Ten Uncomfortable Words to Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

10) Hymen
9) Sexuality
8) Presidential
7) Crabs
6) Lovemaking
5) Mucus
4) Fiance
3) Dingleberry
2) Incest
1) Rimjob

Short Answer: I'm sure you have your own favorites. For example, that bigot at the table says some heinous shit, right? (If you don't know who I'm referring to, that bigot is you!)

Monday, October 9, 2017

Question: Where is my butt?

Next to your jeans?

I don't know why I thought that was funny. But I did. I guess, technically, your butt is either inside your jeans or nowhere near your jeans. I make no apologies.

Do you maybe not have a butt? Because if that's what you're asking, butt implants are not the answer. Exercise is the answer. Do butt things and make your butt bigger. You'd be surprised what a little muscle mass can do to a tush.

If you've actually lost your butt somewhere, I hate to say it, but it's always in the last place you look. I'd check my jeans.

Short Answer: Is it possibly wrapped around the penis of your latest john? Get it? You're a hooker.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Question: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. But, ya know, the other kind of bear.

Is this just a tweet that you sent me? It's not a question. Also, it's clear you're trying to be funny. So maybe you should ask this non-question on a blog that needs funny questions, because the person doing the answering is boring and dumb.

What do you want me to do with this? Validate it? Sure, Fuzzy Wuzzy was gay. FW loved the cock. Bitch had his brown belt, dug into the honey pot, liked the Hershey highway, did fellas.

Look what we've accomplished!

Short Answer: Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't gay, was he?

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Question: Raindrops keep falling on my head?

Ah, the song lyric culprit.

I've decide - as I think I previously mentioned - that all song lyrics questions are from the same person. I've also decided that person is four feet tall, hairy, about three-hundred and twenty pounds with beautifully oversized, hanging dugs and a wee penis.

So I guess if you ask a song lyrics questions, be aware that's what I think of you.

Now, to the point.

This isn't a question.

Short Answer: Get a hat, nerd.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Question: Which is better so far? Star Trek: Discovery or The Orville?

I suppose I could do the intelligent thing and wait until I've seen a few more episode...but I won't.

I've seen two episodes of each. Right now, I like The Orville better. I love Seth Macfarlane's comedy, and I think the show has a lot of potential. Star Trek: Discovery didn't really do it for me. It didn't at all feel like Star Trek. That's fine, though. Sometimes it takes time. I also had some specific problems with the first few episodes that are apparently handled in the upcoming story, but we'll have to wait and see. I didn't much like the main character. That's a big problem, as the series, unlike Treks of the past, is supposed to be centered around the journey of this one character.

Short Answer: In truth, I haven't liked anything Star Trek in a very long time. Whereas I'm the one who laughed constantly during A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Question: My dog won't stop licking peanut butter off my crotch! What should I do?

Are you truly this far down the rabbit hole that you don't realize your own culpability? If so, do you expect me to answer based solely on the dog's culpability? Were you thinking, cut the dog's tongue out? Or hang it from the porch until dead? Get a different dog with a peanut allergy? Try fucking it instead?

I'm just going to go out on a paw here and assume the dog isn't surprising you in the middle of the night, waking you while painting your crotch up with peanut better he's somehow opposable-thumbed from the jar.

Stop putting peanut butter on your crotch. There are other ways to A) Get your wang licked and B) Give your dog a treat.

Short Answer: People like peanut butter, too. And penis butter. And...nope, nope, penis butter is the end of this.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Question: Do you listen to many podcasts?

Funny you should ask!

Or not funny. Not like, ha-ha, that guy masturbated with glue and now he's stuck, funny. Or, I'm in a band named Shitpocket, funny. But funny in that accepted, un-entertaining way, like when an acquaintance tells you a joke, and you go, "That's funny" but you're not at all laughing at all.

(If this is for some reason the first time you've read my blog, let me explain that in the above sentence where I wrote 'at all' twice, that shit's on purpose. Because it's funny. If you don't get it, you're probably the kind of person who people say, "That's funny" to a lot, because you suck.)

I got into audio books a few years back, and that led me down the technology road to podcasts, and I've been eating those up this year. Just now, in the last month or so, I've been finding a better balance between book-listening and podcast-learning, as the novelty of podcasts had really given it some creativity time steam.

Here are the podcasts I listen to on the regular, meaning, almost every episode:

The Joe Rogan Experience
Norm Macdonald Live
The Weekly Planet
Freakonomics Radio
Waking Up w/Sam Harris

And here's a few I dabble in:

You Made it Weird w/ Pete Holmes
The Bill Simmons Podcast
The Nerdist
Real Time With Bill Maher
How Did This Get Made?
Under the Influence

Short Answer: I started doing a neat/odd thing, where I read two audio books at once. Somehow, having multiple books on the go tricks my brain into letting the books into the same excited momentum-stream as the podcasts. Does that make sense? Shut-up! You're not my real dad!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Question: I hear you have an annual horror movie marathon. What movies will you be watching this year?

I do. Been doing it since I was young. I think I've spoken about it on blog before, so I won't get too detailed.

The modern incarnation is: we go to my friend's house where there's a giant screen. We eat Halloween candy and cheezies and watch five movies, with usually a meatball break and a chili break somewhere in between. Another friend makes a poster for the event, and we have a gay old time.

This year we're watching:

Heaven's Gate
Batman & Robin
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Battlefield Earth
Leonard Part 6

Just kidding. That's a different kind of horror. We're watching:

Troll 2
Glen or Glenda

That's the same joke twice. Get it?

Okay, here's the real list.

Black Swan
The Lost Boys
The Exorcist
Pulse (Kairo)
Prince of Darkness

Short Answer: Happy? Now, let's play a game where you have opinions about my choices, and after you state your opinions you sense me looking you directly in the eyes, and you hear me say, "Nope." It sounds like a complete dismissal of your point of view, and possibly your entire person. It is.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Question: I just had an awful steak. Should I complain to the manager?

Maybe you should complain to the cow!


Is this two beef-related questions in a row? Reminds me of that time your mom asked me two beef-related questions in a row. Where is it, and can you put it in my butt?


Complaining never accomplishes shit. Just don't go back to that restaurant. Unless you're not at a restaurant. If this was dinner at your mom's house, for example, you kinda have to go back. Just make sure it's not on a night that I'm the one supplying the beef.


I really wasn't in the mood to do this today...

...said your mom never!

Right in the tookus!

Short Answer: I never complain at restaurants, for fear of a taint burger or something. But I guess if the meal is done, you still have time to ruin someone's day. Ya asshole.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Question: I just witnessed a fat man in his car on his phone, talking to Siri about 'beef cheeks'. What's that all about, huh?

Fat Man's Beef Cheeks

Witnessed or heard? Was it a convertible? I'd like to think it wasn't, and that the windows were rolled up, and he was having trouble getting the answer he wanted, so he was saying 'beef cheeks' super loud into his phone so that you could hear it outside the car.

Here's the deal. Fat dudes need their face meat. They need specific face-calories to support their ever-elongating jowls, and stretchy, stretchy nut sacks. That's right, for fat people, face meat and ball meat are pretty similar.

This is definitely one of those questions where it doesn't make much sense for me to be verbose. The funny is in the image, that's for sure.

Short Answer: Other details I inserted for my pleasure: He's balding, has large eyeglasses, is wearing a button down shirt that's open too far, and the car is a mid-nineties, mid-size sedan. Maybe an Acura. Beige.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Question: Do you ever feel like people are watching you?

I think I've addressed this idea multiple times.

I don't. I feel like I'm watching other people, and they can't see me, which is why I've been arrested multiple times for peeping tom-ery and public nudity. I just don't learn.

Short Answer: It's not my fault! I like being naked while I'm disrespecting the privacy of others.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Question: If you could go back in time to watch one scene from your life as an objective, outside observer, what would it be and why?

I'm pretty sure I've seen this question before. Let me do a little research.

Okay, so it's not on my blog. This was one of the questions of the day on an app called 'Question of the Day'. It's word for word, from what I can discover, which now makes me wonder how many questions I've been asked that are straight from other sources like this one.

Anyway, the answer - if you were expecting an insightful one - is going to disappoint. But if you like fucking and titties, I'm your huckleberry.

The first thing that came to mind is the first time I really fucked my wife. There are a few factors here that need clarifying. First of all, we'd had sexual relations and sexual intercourse maybe a dozen times before this particular incident. I just wasn't very good, yet. I was fumbly and awkward and my penis was confused about how 'doing a good job' works.

So one night we had a fight. Our first fight. And something happened during the inevitable make-up sex. I'm not sure exactly what it was, if I was still mad, or emotional, or I just didn't care as much about doing a crappy job. For whatever combination of reasons, I nailed that broad good. And I mean good. I'm talking standing, one leg up, from behind, hand against the wall for leverage, loud noises good.

Now for the reasons why this is the correct answer to your question. First of all, I'd like to see myself doing this, with the realization that I was finally performing well all over my face. I'd be proud. Also, there's the fact that my wife - and arguably me too - was young and attractive. But especially my wife. I'd go back and watch anyone fuck her at that age, just to get a look.

This was a triumphant time in our relationship, where everything fell into place. We had a fight and survived. We started fucking like champions. And we've been together ever since, fighting and fucking and all the rest. This memory is the beginning of the rest of my life. When you start a relationship, there's a lot of doubt. But if the sex gets good, and the fights are manageable, everything else is penis gravy.

I'm sorry about penis gravy. Instantly sorry. But I left it in. Just like I left it in that night. Boom.

Short Answer: I've had sex next to a huge mirror. It's pretty awesome, and I'm basing a lot of this response on that experience. No one wants to watch themselves do something and think, 'Oh. Oh dear god. That's what that looks like? No! Don't put your hand in the wet! God, god almighty, you're going to hurt yourself. Is that the way that always looks? Do I need a new wardrobe? Should I never be naked again? Is that a pig squealing? What's that terrible noise? Are three hands clapping nearby? Why is that part on top of that part? Does anyone smell rubber?' And so on.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Question: Porn Seuss?

Ah. A Dr. Seuss post that wasn't initiated by Dr. Seuss himself. A nice change.

(If that sentence didn't make any sense, you haven't been reading my blog enough. Shame.)

Porn Seuss!

Would You, Could You In My Mouth?
One Fish, Two Fish, Watching Myself Masturbate in the Aquarium Glass.
Go, Dog, Go, I Can't Finish When You're Watching.
Hop on Pop, and Mom, Too.
Oh, the Places I'd Go Potty On You.
Horton Hears a Whore.
There's a Wocket in my Pocket 'Cause I'm Happy to See You.
The Cat in the Hat Comes on Your Back.
Whack-Off Wednesday.
I Had Trouble in Getting You to Swallow.

Here's something neat! About halfway through here I got that inkling, niggling feeling, like I'd done this before.

And sure enough...

It's pretty funny to see that I came up with different stuff, even using some of the same titles.

Short Answer: Three years is a long time. Good to see my comedy has evolved not a bit.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Question: What's a good term to describe surprise boobs?

Surprise boobs is pretty good, man. Assuming I'm picking up what you're putting down. You're talkin' 'bout outta-nowhere titties, right?

The best thing that can ever happen ever.


What about...


Or maybe...


Wait, wait...


This could go on for ever. I should stop.

Short Answer: Unpredictabreasts? That's pretty classy.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Question: If I opened the door and the window, which one would you go through?

Well, this is about as deep as an rain-slicked road. What the fuck are you on about? This sounds like something a pre-teen would write in a yearbook to try to sound mature and creative.

My apologies if this is a specific thing, related to another specific thing, that isn't a pile of emptygarbagepoetry. See that? What I just did? Simply by putting those three words together as one, I created more depth, poetry and insight than this question ever could.

If I were you, I'd give up on questions. You know enough. Continue to dress yourself and urinate in the toilet, and be proud. Anything that stretches you further than that could rupture your delicate mind.

(Man I'm going to feel like an ass if this is some reference to pop culture that I don't know.)

Shut-up, brackets Keith! You're a coward and a hack.

Short Answer: I'd go through the door. Because that's what doors are for. For people. I don't want to go through the window. I'm not air.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Friday, September 22, 2017

Question: You look like you could use a drink.

When I started this blog, I said, "It will be an advice column, except I'll swear at people." That sounded pretty dope.

Later, I admitted, "I guess they want lists and poetry and shit. That's fine, too."

Then, "I suppose it's okay to be serious once in a while. As long as I'm answering their questions. It's a good thing. It will make the content more likeable overall."

Now..."It's fucking called 'Ask Keith Anything'! Ask is right there in the fucking title!!! How hard is it to write a face-shitting question mark up in this bitch? I just wrote one! Just there! And a bunch of exclamation points! Fucccccckkkkkkkkkkk!

You're probably right about the drink.

Short Answer: Stop looking at me. It's weird. I like to think I'm alone, even if my closets are full of potential rapeners and looky-loo-bots. Keep it down in there, and take pictures of me when I'm asleep like a normal maniac, would ya?

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Question: I didn't know you were a writer!!!...?

Thanks for the question mark.

You do know that you're reading a blog, right? That all of this is writing? And yet you didn't know I was a writer?

You are dumb.

Here's what I've learned in twenty years of writing prose:

think and thing are the same word
this and his are the same word
the and they are the same word
though and thought are the same word

Anyone getting this? Maybe only writers. Perhaps this wasn't the proper angle for this answer.

Oh, well. I have the mic.

Some other shit I've learned in twenty years of writing prose:

Instead of simplifying, you can just keep explaining things, over and over, in different ways. Not sure if the audience gets it yet? Say it again!

You know what, I'm gonna stop right there. This is just going to turn into a shitfest of complaints slathered in rotting sarcasm.

Some shit I've learned in twenty-five years of writing poetry:

Human people don't read poetry.

Short Answer: The people who pay writers' salaries don't know I'm a writer either. So don't feel bad. You probably make a pretty good living, right? I write words down and cry crocodile tears of disappointment into my naked lap.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Question: Should I quit my day job and follow my dreams?

I'm guessing you know me. I'm guessing you're looking for a particular answer and you've come to the one guy that you're sure will say what you want to hear.

Of course, you think, if anyone will encourage me to quit my day job and follow my dreams, it's Keith.

Big surprise, bitch. Don't do it!

Just kidding. Totally do it. I'd love to be a contrarian and list all the reasons you shouldn't. But that wouldn't be fun or funny, and it wouldn't be the truth. Sure, there are lots of talentless dullards out there who should continue on with their careers instead of bailing to start a chicken farm or whatever, but even for them, my thoughts are, 'Go ahead. Try the chicken farm thing. You'll be happier for trying, even if you fail, starve and die.'

I've just coined a phrase to encompass this. People only live once. Or POLO for short. Oh, that's no good. Polo is a sport, a shirt and a guy. Oh well. Too bad there's no other way to make that work.

You get the polo, err, point. And to be fair, very few people take the phrase 'follow your dreams' and turn it into a life-wrecking, unplanned, bank account-draining, friend-alienating nightmare. Most will figure out a relatively safe and frugal way to handle the change. Only a few of us have to fuck everything's ass just to feel like they're alive.

It's your life. Your parents can suck it. Society can suck it. Your friends can suck it. You know, ECSI. Everyone can suck it.

Short Answer: If your heart is full, you'll be fine. You won't necessarily succeed in a monetary fashion, but you'll feel positive for trying. Better than doing something that makes you feel shitty, right?

Note: This post does not apply to the reincarnation people, the YALAINOT-ers. You know, the 'you actually live an infinite number of times' folk.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Question: Why don't kids dress up like ghosts, goblins, witches, etc. for Halloween anymore?

They don't?

I think they do, it's just that our ghosts, goblins and witches have changed with the times, become more sophisticated and modern. And for the record, I don't think I ever saw someone dress up as a goblin.

I didn't dress as Count Dracula as a child, I dressed more like the vampires from The Lost Boys. Kids a few years back were dressing as the characters from Twilight. Things evolve.

And Halloween culture was limited for a time, the same way our entertainment was limited. Now, with entertainment and pop culture being so expansive and connected, we can all agree that everyone should be Harley Quinn, or this year, Pennywise the Dancing Clown. (Wait for it.)

I think the straight monster stylings have been left in the past, which might be what your driving at. There are more options, now, that's all. And you still see witches and ghosts; I bet the stats on them are pretty high.

I was rarely a witch or a ghost. I was more likely to be a banana or Papa Smurf or Spider-Man or a ninja, so I don't think things have changed all that much or all that fast.

Short Answer: I dressed up as a ghoul one year. I wore my mother's black leotard, for lack of understanding what a sunken-eyed, heavily made-up monster might wear. I ended up looking like a mime with a very distinct pre-pubescent package. Not my best effort.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Question: Is this the new way?

I suppose you could be talking about any number of things.

Let's do a list of potential topics, shall we?

10) Trump - Totally possible that this is a comment on the American president and his ever-changing government. He has redefined the word 'presidential' and may be responsible for a new way.
9) Bidet Attachments - It's time we caught up with the rest of the world, and stopped smearing feces all over ourselves with hacked up tree slices. I think more and more people are reveling in the joy that is water jets up the bum,
8) News From Comedians - Seems so. I watch at least five news sources that would've once been thought of only as comedy. Now, they're more trustworthy than sensationalist news outlets. That's because of one simple rule: to set up the premise of a joke, it helps to start with the truth.
7) Anal - If she liked hearing you howl that much, yes. Sorry, bro.
6) Not Being Able to Afford a House - Seems like in certain places (ahem) like Vancouver, people can't afford housing. Is the new way moving further from urban centers? Moving into tiny houses? Shacking up with the neighbor? Not sure what the new way is, but it might be, sadly, abandoning Vancouver and other places where the housing market is imbalanced.
5) Firing Star Wars Directors - Can't help but feel like the people at the helm of Star Wars are squeezing a little too tightly. I'm concerned, because these new Star Wars movies are by no means perfect. Letting talented directors and writers do their own thing seems like a solid move. I fear that the producers are liking their own brand too much, and assuming their opinion is what's best for these films. But no one wants the same thing again and again. Or do we?
4) Podcasts - Yes. Listening to experts talk about subjects for an hour or two is a crash course in education. I've learned more listening to podcasts in the last year than I ever did in school, from reading books, or listening to the stupid people nearby. The new way to gain knowledge - and be entertained, which helps the learning go down smooth - is the podcast. (Also known as radio.)
3) R-Rated Film Success - Oh, I can dream, can't I? With the recent success of It, Logan and Deadpool, just to name a few, the R-rated film seems to be alive and kicking. More gore! More nudity! More objectionable situations! That's what real life is like, dummies.
2) Records - As in albums. Boy oh boy, am I ever having the regrets these days. Got rid of my old record player, I did. What a fool I am. Is this renaissance going to last? I would've said no not long ago, but now, I'm thinking renaissance-ing things might be the new renaissance. That means the front-runners - like playing records - might stick around as the harbingers of the movement.
1) Taking Offence - I'll be brief. Spending time being offended by things is kinda like letting someone else run your life and hijack your emotional state. If your sense of offence takes more than 2.3 seconds to dispel, you're doing life wrong. Everybody chill out. Go easier on yourselves and easier on each other. We're all doing our best.

Short Answer: I've had a bit of a tough year, so as of late, my personal 'new way' is to drink alcohol until I get diarrhea. I highly recommend it.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Question: Do you play mobile games?

I do.

At first I thought they were a fat waste of my life, but then I came to a few realizations. The convenience of having escape or entertainment at our finger tips is not to blame. It would be one thing if I played mobile games to the detriment of my life, but I found that as I increased this 'convenience playing', I decreased some of my other time spent on hobbies, specifically console gaming. There is an issue here in terms of choosing convenience over quality, but that's were fun becomes part of the algorithm. If I'm having as much fun on the mobile game, why does it matter that I'm not playing the newest, most cutting edge game on console or PC?

I've played a few of the big mobile games over the years, but for the most part I get bored with that shit. I refuse to pay, so there's always a pattern in those games of putting in time to get things you want. Because I'm not willing to let the games swallow me up, it always gets to a threshold where the time spent no longer provides consistent reward, and I bail.

I only have three games on my phone right now, and two of them are there because I decided to try out Supercell's Boom Beach, after deciding that Clash of Clans can totally suck it. I'm not going to check in every fifteen minutes to maximize my resource gathering. I want to play when I want to play. Boom Beach is all right and it satisfies my need for that type of gaming, but it's on its last legs for me. It's the sort of game that continues to ramp up its difficulty the more you achieve, making it stay pretty much the same.

Through Supercell, I discovered Clash Royale, which is a game I really love. I've been playing it for a few months and it's perfect for me. It rewards you with your time spent and isn't too picky when you play.

The third game is a version of Candy Crush. I've gone through a bunch of different types of that game. It's like doing sudoku or a crossword; it takes over a certain part of my mind for five to ten minutes. But if you said to me, "Candy Crush died and is gone forever" I'd barely react.

Short Answer: I'm almost hesitant to do too much digging in the world of mobile games, for fear I'll find something that I like so much more than life that I become a lump of couch-shit, a husk of a creature that never bathes or feeds itself.

Note: Supercell did not sponsor this post. Though they should sponsor me. I could use the extra gold in Clash Royale...the best game ever made ever!!!

Friday, September 15, 2017

Question: Where should I vacation next summer: Derry, Maine; Castle Rock, Maine; Jerusalem's Lot, Maine?

Yep. Stephen King is from Maine. From what I've learned reading his books, never go to Maine. It won't be much of a vacation. Between the lobster rolls and...other lobster rolls, looks to me like you're likely to get fucking murdered.

But to get to your question, Derry is his replacement for the real town of Bangor, where Mr. King's from. Lots of horrors in Derry, so best to stay away. Castle Rock is just as fucked, and you'll probably die if you try to vacation there.

That leaves Jerusalem's Lot as the winner. Sure, it's full the fuck off vampires, but if you stay in at night and draw your curtains, you'll probably survive.

So in the real world, you're off to Durham, Maine, the closest approximation to 'Salem's Lot. Have fun. In Durham, Maine.

Short Answer: Don't forget Chamberlain, Little Tall Island, Haven or Chester's Mill. Lots of places to fictionally go in Maine if you want to get fictionally killed.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Question: I just finished watching the first season of Westworld. I'd love to have a conversation about it with you. When are you free? This is Nick by the way and yes this is for your blog.

Hi, Nick.

I know you.

(insert GIF of synchronized swimmer sketch from SNL)

Yea, let's talk about Westworld. Though I probably watched it just long enough ago that I don't remember shit. I remember it was great, so at least we can high-five, maybe transition into a bracing and lusty makeout session.

You know when I'm free. Nice try. You're the one with a "family" and "responsibilities" and a "day job" and "IBS".

Short Answer: This was fun. See you soon.

Note: I'm not going to bother finding that GIF. I'm mad at the guy who created GIFs (Giffy Geoff?) for trying to tell me how to pronounce it.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Question: Can you give us a review of the movie It?

Gee. I haven't done a review in a long time.

I'm not going to be too ambitious, because I'm probably a little rusty. Rusty like the old chainsaw a terrifying clown might carry about on his nightly sojourn. Hey, wait, does that thing still work? That would be unlikely. (Sound of chainsaw being started.) Fuckkkkkkkk!

I'll skip the recap part of the review. I've always thought those sections were dumb. If I've seen the movie - which is likely because I'm reading a review - I don't need the recap. And if I haven't, I don't want to know too much, and too much is subjective. For example, I just watched a movie on TV where it explained that the main character died in the write-up. Turns out, the crux of the film - especially emotionally - relies on you not knowing if the protagonist is going to die or come through in the end. Bullshit.

So? It was wonderful. Full of nostalgic, Stephen King style feelings and characters. Young boys talk about their dicks and make fun of each other's mothers, so also accurate. Performances are good, story's good, nothing to complain about from the writing.

Then there's that motherfucking clown. He's horrific. There are probably about three genuine scares - as much as you'll get from the best Horror movies - as well as a half-dozen very creepy moments. That's not counting the other clowny accountrements, and the overall performance of Bill Skarsgard. He really creates something special, an entity that's old and creepy and full of fun at your expense. The contrast here, between the way he looks, the way he speaks and the breadth of his atrocities is a rare treat.

If you're looking for book to movie comparisons, I've never read It. But I can say this; now I'm going to. The depth in the movie hints at even further depth in the book, and I can't imagine it being anything less than a spectacular read.

I did feel that the third act dragged a little, but only because of an abundance of characters, and a need to let them all have their proper arcs. I'm willing to sacrifice pace for this any day as often it results in a deeper connection to the characters when it matters most. This fact is true of It. By the end, you are invested, and the movie takes on a Ray Bradbury feel, as the horror, though lingering, is replaced by the sentiment and emotion of true, bonded relationships.

Two clown's feet up!

Short Answer: Or five rusty chainsaws out of five.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Question: How do you feel about people texting in movie theatres?

You either read my blog regularly and you're making a joke, or you read that recent post when I bitched about this when it wasn't even the topic and thought this would be funny, or you're an innocent who has no idea what level of rage I achieve in this exact circumstance.

I'll not go deep, for it's on blog to find. But I'll say this. If you can't stay off your phone for a couple of hours, stay the fuck out of the theatre. I'm not just bitching in principle, either. I've had actual moments in films ruined forever for me because someone turns on their phone and distracts me.

Fuck you, people who don't get it. I even want to murder people who don't turn their phones off for the previews, but I've evolved to keep that particular reaction on a low boil. My wife doesn't like it when I threaten bodily violence in public, so I'm trying to learn how to be cool. But it's not easy. If I see people on their phones before the movie starts, all I can think about is whether or not they're going to be trouble later. It makes it hard for me to relax. Maybe that's why I've been harder on movies in the last few years. 'Cause I'm all pissy by the time the film starts.

Short Answer: I would murder people for no reasons except this reason. I would rather snap your neck and shush your loved ones than have to be polite to your phone-using ass. Fuck absolutely everyone who has ever done this. Good enough?

Monday, September 11, 2017

Question: You mentioned fucking my mother a number of times. How serious are you about the relationship? Do I hear wedding bells?

Doesn't ring a bell, wedding or otherwise.

You sure it's your mother? Does that sound right to you? It sure doesn't sound like something I would say. And your mother is a hag of gargantuan proportions so it's unlikely anyone would be serious about being near her.

Short Answer: I don't copulate with normies.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Question: Doesn't Justin Bieber make you proud to be Canadian?

Not the way Nickleback does.

I kinda feel bad about this. It's such an expected thing in Canada to rip on The Biebs. It's true, he comes across like a dumbass, and that documentary about him that is supposed to show the real him doesn't help, but the truth is, he's still just a kid. Not only that, but a kid who grew up in a crazy environment.

As for pride, I'm not much into it on a national level. I didn't choose to be born in the luckiest place to be born, in the luckiest time to be born. Just a cosmic fluke if you ask me. And you did. Because I chose to have a blog about getting asked stuff.

Short Answer: Plus where would we all be with his examples of haircuts and pants?

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Question: What are your favourite back-to-school movies?

In no way do I mean to be difficult, but I'm not sure what this means. I've never heard this term as a sub-genre of film before. Instead, if you're implying that there are certain movies that kids watch before heading back to school, I think maybe you don't remember how much people (specifically me) don't like having to go back to school. With nothing to celebrate, no movies were watched.

"Back to school, mum? Can we please watch Dead Poets Society like every other year?"

I guess we're just talking school movies, then, which there are an absolute shitload of.

Let's give it a shot.

Top Ten Favorite Movies to Watch that are about School that you Watch in September because you're a Huge Loser who wants to Celebrate Going Back to School

10) Ski School - I love this movie because there are lots of naked tits in it. Also, people get thrown beers from off-screen all the time.
9) Private School - I love this movie because there are lots of naked tits in it. Also...I don't know, man, a plot of some kind maybe?
8) Fast Times at Ridgemont High - This one has a particularly famous boob scene. If you don't know, you're not into boobs.
7) Mean Girls - Heathers after Heathers.
6) Pretty in Pink - The first of the John Hughes entries. This one has my favorite James Spader: rich, thin, bitchy Spader. Kinda like Ultron.
5) The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Love me some Lerman and Miller.
4) Billy Madison - I still love this movie. It's about school, so it counts. Leg.
3) Heathers - A cult classic of demonic intentions. Mean Girls before Mean Girls.
2) Easy A - An incredibly charming, modern-day version of The Scarlet Letter starring the adorable Emma Stone.
1) The Breakfast Club - The best John Hughes movie, and the best movie about school.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions include movies that don't really take place in school very much (or don't feel like they're really about school), and would've destroyed the list had I included them, like Dazed and Confused, Superbad, Scream, Drop Dead GorgeousFerris Bueller's Day Off, Friday Night Lights, ElectionCan't Hardly Wait, Carrie, Brick and Rushmore.

Note: Someone ask me to do a School Horror List, please. Lots of Horror in schools.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Question: Which is worse: One man sized spider in a coat and hat or what looks like a man from a distance and then turns out to be millions of small spiders in a coat and hat?

This is legit.

Despite the insane amount of horror you'd have to face when said person-shaped spider construct split into a million individual bastards, I don't think that's the worst scenario.

You see, we know many spiders exist. We also know that they are solitary creatures, so even though this time they got organized, it's not likely to happen again. There isn't much potential for new, unthinkable horrors, here.

But if it's one man-sized spider, that's a new horror, brother.

Short Answer: Kill. With. Fire.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Question: Supposedly this was a terrible summer for the movie box-office. Is it just me, or would it make more business senses for studios to make more films with smaller budgets that cater to smaller audiences, rather than putting all their eggs in their tent pole baskets? What are your thoughts?

Of course. More projects means more opportunity, both for creators and consumers.

Thanks, Jaws.

I also think that more original fare would be nice. A huge percentage of the tent pole movies this year have been remakes, sequels and adapted works. Would be nice if the studios noticed that there are still people capable of creating from scratch.

Just to confirm your hypothesis, the Labor Day returns were the worst in 17 years. June was down about 12 percent from the last few years, July 11 percent., August about 34.

Though there are undoubtedly some deep and interesting psychological and socio-econonomic reasons for this, I'd like to point a finger at all you motherfuckers out there who turn your phones on during films. This happens exponentially more than it did even a few years back, and it makes me want to stay home. Couple that with all of the at home services, and the ability to not be distracted and bothered by anyone other than your hand-jobby wife, and you've got your attendance problem.

I think it's pretty clear that marketing has to change, too. Word of mouth - even before movies go into wide release - can make or break a film these days. You almost, dare I say, have to make something good. A great ad campaign does not a shitty movie fix.

Whatever will we do if the quality of film goes up?

Short Answer: Seriously. You young idiots and you old idiots who allow the young idiots to dictate your behavior, the theater is not a place for your texting addiction. If you can't leave your life at the door for two hours, don't come to the fucking theater! I know, I know, this question wasn't about this. But it makes me so mad. The theater used to be glorious; now it's a nasty exchange waiting to happen.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Question: Has SNL ever been a great show, or do we just remember the 5% of sketches that were good and forget all the stinkers?

I'm in the minority of people that think SNL has always been good. Of course we remember the good shit and ignore the bad, but that's what humans do with everything.

SNL to me isn't about percentage of success over percentage of failure. It's a live sketch show, where they throw things at you and sometimes they stick. I can appreciate effort, and even total shit, in this format. Thinking about how something must have worked in dress, but didn't on air, is fun for me. Trying to figure out how the worst sketches got on the show is a neat game.

Then, there are the moments of brilliance, which - though few and far between - become cultural staples of comedy in our society.

Cowbell, anyone?

Short Answer: What other comedic entity as given us so much? There are only a few that even compare. For that, I love SNL, despite its many failings.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Question: Do you have any favourite "Weird" Al songs?

Why'd you put the "Weird" in quotation marks? Is there a regular Al that I might confuse Weird Al with? Does he also make parody songs that are kinda normal?

Like, instead of changing Bad to Fat, he changed Bad to Chad, a song about his friend Chad?

Clearly you have some sort of obsession with Al and Chad, but I have a blog post to write, so let's get on with it.

(Also, traditionally, I think he puts both "Weird" and "Al" in quotations, sumpin' like: "Weird Al" Yankovic.)

Top Ten "Weird Al" Yankovic Songs

10) Like a Surgeon
9) My Bologna
8) Smells Like Nirvana
7) Fat
6) White and Nerdy
5) Another One Rides the Bus
4) I Lost on Jeopardy
3) Word Crimes
2) Eat It
1) Foil

Short Answer: I really like Foil. I like how the first verse is about using foil for food storage, then the second is about using it to protect against conspiracy theories. (I know some of the big hits are missing on this list, but I find if the song the parody is based on sucks too bad, I can't handle the parody. Lookin' at you, Amish Paradise.) Also, too many Honorable Mentions to name, am I right? He's had a pretty long career.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Question: I've noticed my erect penis has gotten shorter with age (and/or weight gain). Is this something that has happened with you?

I don't even know where to begin with this. First, you've got to make a decision. Is this a real thing you think is happening with age or are you just a fat piece of crap? I'm assuming the latter, fatty, but what bugs me is that you'd even hypothesize that this just happens. Why would you want to introduce the theory of a shrinking penis to anyone that's never had this problem or thought of it before? My wife's vagubby isn't getting any more shallow, so this could be a real problem.

Wait, do they get more shallow? Or do they just get fat inside?


Short Answer: I don't often say this, but maybe keep your tiny, shrinking penis to yourself. Either that, or lay off the cookie dough you rotund bastard.

Note: My penis is such a monstrous entity of willfulness and pure evil, that as I grow fatter with age, it will strain to push further outward, wanting to be free to inflict pain and horror upon the living and the dead, in equal measure, satiating its fucked-up dick desires. No amount of mac 'n' cheese sandwiches will halt its menace.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Question: Dogs or Hat?

If you don't get it, read this first:

Someone thinks they're funny.

I would always choose many dogs over one hat because of these reasons:

Many is better than one.
Many things on your head is better than one, even dogs.
I don't look good in hats.
I look good with dogs.
I love dogs.
I kiss them.

Short Answer: Do you feel good about yourself?

Friday, September 1, 2017

Question: When making chili, how much meat is too much meat? Also...Salad - same question.

When I make chili with your mom, there's always too much meat.

Get  it?

I have a big dick and it goes inside your mom.

I don't know, man. Like, when the pot is full of meat and you can only fit half an onion? How about this. Only three woodland animals per chili batch. Sound good?

As for salad, it doesn't need meat. Except the tossed kind. (Dot, dot, dot your mom.)

Short Answer: One time your mom and I made chili dogs. Cleanup was horrendous.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Question: Have you ever wondered how toilets work? If so, how do you think they work?


Toilets aren't complicated. Sorry, pal. The world must be full of mysteries for you. Maybe try to take that on as a positive.

How do you think toilets work? You put in a shit, and then...magic?

Short Answer: I also corrected the terrible grammar in the question you asked. So I think it's possible your IQ is far lower than you assumed. And if you're too stupid to understand toilets, you might be in for a life of menial jobs. The worst I can think of is following behind an animal and picking up its poop. Which kind of makes you a toilet. And that means, you're how toilets work.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Question: Is it too early to start getting excited about Christmas?

I'm certainly not one of those people who likes to take the big shits on people's fun times. Having said that, I feel that Halloween is a pretty legit thing to celebrate. So if you need to start with the Christmas stuff early, at least wait until November, so the Halloween people don't get their fun times shit upon.

Now, for something far more important. Some people, in that final, above sentence, would've said 'shat upon'. I think that's a missed opportunity. Whether it's correct or not (and I don't actually think one is more correct than the other), it's far more powerful to use the word 'shit' in the past tense then to conjugate to 'shat'.

Example: "That's where I shit, earlier."

If you don't understand this, you probably hate Halloween. Might as well put up your Christmas decorations now.

Short Answer: Don't see the correlation? Let's try once more. "I nearly shit my pants after I ate at that restaurant." See?

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Question: How many spider webs do you accidentally walk through on a daily basis? I average about two a day and I'm not that outdoorsy.

The real question is how many do I rampage through on purpose, punching and screaming like a child having a tantrum, mouth barely able to form the phrase, "Fuck you, spiders! Fuck! You!"

I guess one a day. I go for long walks in nature-like areas, but usually I get one in the face from a very particular culprit. Outside my place there's a set of lawn lamps (?) about face height. There's some super spider out there who's always putting up a single thread between them, just for my stupid forehead.

Not sure what else to say. Not a whole lot funny about suddenly thinking there might be a spider wrapped around the back of your head.

Short Answer: Spiders curl up when they die because their legs work like hydraulics, and while they're alive, their appendages are pushed outward from their body by weird spider fluid. Now you know that forever.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Question: I recently stumbled into a large sum of spacebucks and plan on buying Mars to turn it into an erotic/pleasure planet. Like Risa from Star Trek. Can you help me come up with a list of names?

You could definitely just call it Penus.

I know you asked for a list of names, but is it going to get any better than that?

All right...

Omicron Persei 69
Calypso Juicy
Epimetheus Balls
Hoag's Member
Bone 2
Ananke Panky
Hog's Object
New Reno

Short Answer: The Coupularity? Or Copularity? Yep. Shoulda stopped before that one.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Question: With halloween just around the corner, what's your favourite breakfast cake/bread thing: Pancakes, French Toast, Waffles, etc.? (That is if you weren't on your weird diet.)

Oh boy. My first retaliatory question is: Does this person not know that this is crazy?

Also: What the fuck does Halloween have to do with breakfast?

: Does this person do a special breakfast on Halloween and he/she thinks that everyone does?

: Had they started another question, then forgot what they were talking about? Were they thinking about horror movies at a restaurant when someone wheeled a cake past them and they lost their mind? Is 'with Halloween just around the corner' a go-to phrase in their family that has a far broader meaning?

: And how do you know about my weird diet? This means you know me personally. That also makes me think you know that I don't do anything special with pastries on Halloween.

Wow. As normal as this is in separate parts, together, it's next-level madness. I can barely handle it.

Short Answer: I don't like any of that stuff enough to bother choosing. Sweet crap in the morning doesn't do it for me. If I was making breakfast for supper, I'd choose french toast for sure. Pancakes and waffles can get bent. Oh that reminds me. Toilet cleaner! Right? See how fucking weird that is? What the fuck does toilet cleaner have to do with anything!!! I hope your own medicine is bitter.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Question: Eclipses or ellipsis - Which do you need more in your life?

Guess I need to answer this before eclipses become irrelevant again...too late.

Should't this be eclipses or ellipses, plural? Like, dogs or hats, not dogs or hat? (Dogs or hats!?! Don't make me choose!)

...anyway, I've already used these dotty fuckers twice, and I've hardly used any eclipses.


Guess that's your answer.

Short Answer: ...

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Question: If one of the members of the A-team was to be your cool uncle, which one would you want it to be?

This is a fucking Murdock landslide. Are you kidding me? Smoking cigars, being tough or having a supposedly handsome face have got nothing on everything that is Murdock. I'm actually kind of mad at you.

Murdock facts:

The only member of the A-Team who isn't a convicted criminal.
Best chopper pilot in the Vietnam war.
Has such bad post traumatic stress disorder that he's declared insane.
Might be faking his insanity.
Plays video games and watches cartoons.
Often plays a character on missions.
Wears silly t-shirts.
Has a sweet hat.
Flew for the Thunderbirds.
Has a secret set of initials that are never explained.
Nicknamed 'Howling Mad Murdock'.
Was awarded the Silver Star.
Can speak many languages.
Has a photographic memory.
Worked secretly for the CIA.
He holds the rank of Captain, second highest on the A-Team.

Short Answer: I guess it depends who your dad is, right? Like, if your dad was a nutcase, you might want a more stable uncle. But that shit is boring. Murdock!

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Question: Should I fart loudly in the coffee shop? Or keep it on the down-low?

I had a dream, once. I wanted an advice column, one where I could be myself, and make people laugh, and maybe even give out some helpful advice. Instead, I got this.

There is so much context missing from your question. Even Ann Landers wouldn't know how to deal with this without getting some more information, and that bitch loves farts.

I think the answer is simple. If you can lock eyes with someone in line or behind the counter, and let rip with a straight face, then go for it. If you're going to be a wiener and try to hide it, you don't deserve the applause.

Short Answer: People still applaud for public farts, right? Oh, they never did? That was in my head? Cool.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Question: Mouth, Anus, Vagina (if you had a vagina) - A frozen poop, a somehwat large dildo, and an average sized really smelly/dirty penis?

Good lord.

Is this a question or a form you have to fill out at the door of a warehouse orgy?

Are you trying to ask me what I'd prefer? There's a question mark, but that just might be self-reflexive, like, you're worrying about what's wrong with yourself.

I'll try to break it down, I guess.

Mouth - Obviously nobody wants the frozen poop in their mouth, unless it's ever-so-briefly. I'm guessing you expect me to work it until completion, which is pretty much a flavorless, reverse tootsie pop, until the filling hits your lips. No thanks. I don't want a dirty ween on my tongue, either, so I guess the answer is lip-stretching - but assumedly clean - dildo.

Anus - I guess the frozen poop ain't so bad on account of the 'where shit goes' rule, but cold stuff up the butt is a real hemorrhoid catalyst. I'd probably go with the penis, because its filth level wouldn't be so relevant. Also, I don't want that area stretched by a somewhat large anything. Assuming the smelly penis is average in size, it wins.

Vagina - This is a slam dunk for the dildo, in theory. I certainly don't want cold or poo in there. But the thing is, if I did have a vagina for a day, I'd like to get fucked in it. I also assume that my vagina would be as putrid as That Thing in the Fridge in the Tupperware, so denying a dirty penis would be judgmental.

Short Answer: I guess that means the penis wins, if that's even what you were asking.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Question: What our your thoughts on fate, free will and rubin sandwiches?

I think that fate is the reason you spelled the 'reuben' in 'reuben sandwich' as 'rubin', otherwise free will exists and you chose to be a dumbass.

Short Answer: I don't believe in any of that shit. Reubens are okay, as things that are good because I'm tired of the really great shit and need variety. (Reubens are the mulligatawny soup of sandwiches, in other words.) As for the rest, science seems to think that our genetics are the best indicator for who we are and what we do, which leaves higher concepts in the dust. Free will specifically? Use it at your leisure, to make yourself feel strong when choice is the best option. Like, say, if you fall into a lake, and your body won't swim itself.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Question: Turd Wilkenson?

I don't know, man.

I feel like maybe this was something that happened in real life? Maybe someone is referencing a joke from a particular night of debauchery that I can't recall?

Obviously it makes me think of Turd Ferguson, which if you don't recognize, is a reference to a series of SNL sketches, and one in particular, where Norm Macdonald - as Burt Reynolds on Jeopardy - writes that his name is Turd Ferguson. But if you're reading this blog, you likely already knew that shit already.

So you can see why I might think this is a reference to a reference, a nod to a real life situation. Does that make any sense at all?

Kendra Wilkenson was a playboy model. She had a TV show. I never saw it, but I guess it's possible she pooped at some point. Or maybe has a turd of a personality. Other than that, I don't know. Wilkenson is often spelled Wilkinson, which cuts off some other interesting (boring) possibilities.

This is tough, 'cause 'Wilkenson' kinda rings a bell. Like maybe it was a name I made up on the spot to give to some ridiculous character, or to illustrate the humor of a particular moment. "Wilkenson, remove the turds, please." Something like that.

Short Answer: I'll only continue to ramble, so lets cut the turd off here, shall we? Wilkenson?

Note: Now there's a little play running in my head about a guy who is so rich that he has his butler Wilkenson come into the bathroom and chop his turds off for him with an over-sized cigar cutter.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Question: What's the appropriate response when you enter the single washroom at work and find poop in the bowl?

Here's a neat thing.

When I read this, I pictured a crystal bowl full of hard candy, in like a station in your bathroom, near where the towels and possibly the bathroom attendant chair is. As crazy as that may seem to you, it ain't as crazy as me picturing you walking into said bathroom, and seeing a perfectly, well-formed tube of feces sitting atop the aforementioned candies.

Now that we've gotten that out of our system, let's address the turd in the toilet bowl, so to speak.

The appropriate response is to flush. (Unless you want to play Layer Cake. But that's messed up. Especially at work. I only play layer cake with my wife.)

In addition, you could also go on an outraged witch hunt. Throw subtlety to the wind and start yelling at everyone you see. "Did you leave a goddamned shit in the toilet? Did you? Did you leave the shit? Was it you, Dana? Fred? A shit? Did you leave it? A shit in the goddamned toilet? Shit?"

Short Answer: Flush. Make a puddin'. Rampage.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Question: Fuckin' trundles.

This definitely isn't a question.

I also can't help but feel that the trundles should get to have their say.

Oh, and...what the fuck is a trundle? See? That's how you ask a question.

Trundle is a verb, is it not? To move slowly, heavily, awkwardly, noisily, unevenly? Are you referring to trundle beds?

Do you sleep on a trundle bed? This is weak. That's akin to sleeping in a drawer. If this is the case, I feel your pain. I was treated like a sock, once, too.

Sock, once, too! Sock, once, too! Sock, once, tooooooooooo!

Short Answer: If you want to sleep in a big boy bed, you can come share my race car.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Question: I'm so sick of your bullshit Keith. Why?

I'm getting a little bored with these types of questions.

Let me nip this in the bud. Look at your mother/a picture of your mother. Now think of her vagina. Now think of my penis going in and out of it. That's why you think you're sick of me. Because I pleasure your mom until she screeches like a steam shovel.

But you're not really tired of my bullshit. You're just not diversifying your entertainment enough. Maybe read some blogs written by people who don't fill out your mothers and sisters like a second mortgage application. Then when you come back to me - like your whole family always does, but for dick - you'll find me refreshing once more.

Here's a genuine reason you might be sick of my bullshit. I'm authentic as fuck. It's like a hot wind in the face, makes it difficult to breath, makes you realize you're a lying sack of crap. That's hard to take. You know what isn't hard to take according to every girl you've ever had a crush on? My fat peen.

Short Answer: I'm not sick of your bullshit. I like you.

Note: I nailed your grandmother. Yea, the one you like, bitch.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Question: Where did you go on your vacation?

I've been staring at this question for a few days now, trying to come up with an angle. I didn't mean to. I like to read a question for the first time right before I answer it, but once in a while I get screwed by the way my phone organizes e-mail, and if the question is short enough, I see the whole thing.

I'm writing this response today because it's next in the queue. Even though I have nothing funny to say about it. That's the way it goes. Once in a while I'll re-order, hope for inspiration on another day, but not often.

I went to Victoria. That's where I spent my formative years, from about 13 to 21. I have friends there, and it's bittersweet to visit. You see, I only live a ferry ride away, and yet I never take the journey. On this particular visit, this fact became a near atrocity in my mind. I dealt with some regret - not a common thing for me - and some bad feelings about how I live, where I live, and why I choose to stay away.

I guess the moral is I didn't have much of a vacation, not in the typical sense. Yes I relaxed some, yes I swam in a lake, yes I drank a few beers; what I didn't do was get that vacation feeling, that full release of all things stressful in my life. Despite the kindness of friends, I felt a little out of place and couldn't kick the idea that I was bothering the generous people around me. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism against the strange wave of regret, my mind telling me it is okay that I never visit, because I'm a pain in the ass, and people are merely tolerating me.

I tend to play up a certain persona when I'm in Victoria. I know that probably sounds weird for anyone who really knows me, but I've come to realize it's true. Though I've mellowed over the years, in my youth I was brash and offensive to some, annoying to others, and an all around tough guy to handle. I dealt with a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings back then; this was difficult for I never meant any harm. When I go back to Victoria, I step off the ferry and regress, feeling that the most interesting thing about me to these old friends is the way I used to be. This alters my behavior in a few startling ways. I refer to myself in the third person more, I often mention the fact that I'm 'more difficult' or a 'big personality' and I start looking for ways to justify my odd but special behaviors. All this is an effort to not be the thing I fear I still am in their eyes: a loud mouth with no real accomplishments, a clown with no substance, an entertainer without remorse.

All these things are silly. I know that. And yet, they've taken purchase, and in some symbolic sense, staying on this side of the water protects me. I feel I need to get over it, but I don't know how. When one of my old friends treats me the way I used to be treated, a response trapped in the past that I avoid with great effort in my 'new' life, I get unnecessarily hurt. It's like I have this complex about people understanding my true motivations at all times. I want that. I want things to be simple, uninterpretable. I want to be a positive entity.

The truth is, I'm not always that in my current existence. That perception is false. It's a backlash, a response to this odd persona I adopt, that I desire truth and transparency and clearness of motivation in even greater quantities. It's no one's fault, and yet it's entirely my responsibility.

My friends - old and new - would say I think too much and too hard about these sorts of things. They are right. When it manifests in their frustration, when I can tell they're tired of my analysis, it hurts me worse than anything else, because it's a condemnation of my greatest struggle. We're all tired of my shit.

I think, perhaps, your old home town isn't the best place to go on vacation. At least my wife got a week away from me. That was probably important. Working from home, I'm here all the time, and she doesn't get much solitude.

Plus, I'm handsy.

Short Answer: What's the conclusion here? We all need to go easier on ourselves, that's for sure. If we're going to be the stars of our own movies, it would help if we were also our biggest fans. Relaxation has become a big word for me. I wish it wasn't. I wish it was a state of being I could slide into with ease. Maybe if I could just relax a little.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Question: If you were not a writer, than what would you do?

I have to be a writer. Here's why. This sentence makes me very upset.

First part's fine. Then shit goes off the rails.

'Than' is wrong. It's then. Then what would I do.

Here's the second problem. Agreement. It's not the end of the world, but it's the kind of thing that gets programmed into your brain after years of trying to be good at something. 'If you were not a writer, then what would you be?' is far cleaner. Or, conversely, 'If you didn't write, then what would you do?'

If you don't get it, fine. Feel free to chalk it up to me being a curmudgeon, and continue to enjoy and participate in my blog. If you did get it, feel shame. I'll assume my hacking away at your attempt will send you to other, lesser blogs, with far nicer folks at the helm.

I make mistakes, too, but the premise here is that I have to answer your questions.(That means your question works as a headline for my blog post, painting me in a particular, ungrammatical light.) Sometimes, I'll edit tiny mistakes, but this? This got me twice, felt like a weird poop, and - as a triple whammy - didn't inspire me content-wise. What I mean by that is, I'm not excited about answering what I'd do if I wasn't a writer, because that's the opposite of achieving my dreams. Being forced to give this up to do something else is my nightmare.

So the answer is die in a gutter alone. Or fake a pregnancy. I might try some murders?

I guess the real answer is another kind of writing, because it's the only skill I have that I could monetize above minimum wage, but then I'd still be a writer, and that would be me failing at answering. If you don't understand that see 'you failing at questioning'. It's above.

Short Answer: My back hurts. That means I can't do much in the way of menial labor. So I'd have to use my brain, and that would totally suck. If I was in a cubicle I'd burst into snakes. (That's not a typo. I would burst into a dozen or more snakes and slither off into the crevices of the building.)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Question: Any advice for an aspiring writer?

Run! Run as fast as you can! Find overalls and a broom! Borrow money for trade school! Make a halfway decent LinkedIn profile! Learn to knit! Anything! Anything other than this! Fucking run!

Now that I've got that out of my system...

Don't be shitty is a good place to start. This is accomplished by straight up not being shitty. Here's how you figure this out. Can you write good? Did you realize that should have been 'can you write well?' You're shitty.

No, no, no, but seriously...

Writing for most people is super fucking hard. So you're likely shitty. Give up. Maybe even run.

Have we got that our of our system? Do you want the real skinny?

It's not that hard. Just do it. If you suck, you'll get better. Here are some tips that can help you get started.

1. Finish things. Don't start shit and not finish shit. That's dumb. You have to learn how to finish.

2. Once finished, get opinions. It would be nice to know in what way you're shitty. That's how you learn. Make sure to take it that way as best you can. Of course it sucks when someone thinks you're shitty, but just accept that's going to happen. A lot. If one out of a thousand people like what you do, you'll be rich and famous.

3. Fill your head with things you need. Obviously, you have to be a reader to be a writer, but you can also read books that specifically help you write. You need a style guide, first of all, (The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is the de facto best option) and probably a book like Stephen King's On Writing to get some honest perspective.

4. Create good habits. Writing is work. Hard work. Get ready to institute some gnarly structure in your life. It's very difficult and extremely rare for writers to write 'whenever they want' or 'whenever inspiration strikes' or 'whenever the muse arrives'. Toss the 'whenevers', sit the fuck down, and write.

5. Set realistic goals. And I do mean realistic. If you try to write two thousand words a day (like Stephen King) you may find yourself weeping in the corner after six days of definitive failure. I suggest a grace period of a few weeks wherein you discover what you can comfortably accomplish. If that's sixteen words a day, so be it. Lock that habit it, then grow from there. Also, do a little math. If you write say, a conservative five hundred words a day, you'll have a book in no time. Which leads me to...

6. Take baby steps. There's a lot to learn, some of which is almost impossible to describe. How do you cast aspersion on a character? Right? So here's the trick. Take it slow and steady. You are the tortoise, with glasses on and a will to share your creativity. If you want to write a novel, the shortest length acceptable is about 60,000 words. At five hundred words a day, that's only four months. Not bad, tortoise. Not bad.

7. Do you. This rule pretty much contradicts most of what I just said. You have to be you. After all, unless you're writing a technical manual for vacuum cleaners, this is art. Embrace that! Make it a capital word. Art! You are now an artist and you have to let the inner beast out to roam free. This is going to be different for every person, but here's the way I do it, to give you at least one example.

Me: I write linear, no jumping around. I write characters first, and they tell me the story. I don't shy away from things because they might not be 'marketable'. I always make the scarier choice. I accept that I can be considered niche. I understand that rejection is commonplace and doesn't mean I suck. Some days I think I suck anyway and I allow it to motivate me to get better.

(Also, some days I'm in the corner with you, crying and eating worms because nobody loves me. That's okay, too.)

8. Don't try to show off. You probably have some skills, or you wouldn't be considering this pursuit. You don't need to prove to people that you're good. You're a storyteller, not Mark Twain (or whoever your Mark Twain is). Tell the story. Use the words that help tell the story. You don't need to impress people with the way you write, not yet. You'll develop your own Voice through repetition. It will come, you can't force it. And here's a bonus tip: Ignore the old adage 'write what you know'. That's great for some genres, but you have to trust yourself as a creative. I've never been to Saturn, but I can write the shit out of a story that's set there.

9. You will suck. Man, you're going to be so shitty at first. Here's the thing, though: you won't even know. You'll fear it, and others may say it, but you won't know how shitty you are now until years later. But that's cool, 'cause that's how life works. You're always learning. It's a good thing that in five years you'll see the garbage you used to produce. That's how you'll get good enough in the long term. In the short, let out the beast, edit with as much brutality as you can muster, and gather a few trusted readers to help you out. In no time you'll be 'not shitty'.

Short Answer: Huh. I had some things to say about this. Cool. Maybe I'm not shitty, now.

Note: Also, on the whole 'write what you know front', you can pretty much learn anything in ten minutes on the internet, so go for it. You don't have to do days of study anymore. I often stop in the middle of what I'm doing, go online, and learn the name for that thing. It works just fine. 'Write what you know' does have merit, but if you don't inherently understand it, don't worry. If you do, apply as necessary. I pretty much just make everything up. Why not? That's what some of us are best at.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Question: If someone were to fuck with you how would they go about it?

I guess they could murder my wife.

It would take some real effort to handle that situation. First of all, if I came home and she had been murdered, it would take a lot of effort not to fuck her one last time. Especially if the corpse was still warm. (Then again, I've never fucked a really cold person so that could be neat.) The point is, then, while fucking my freshly dead wife, I'd have to try to be respectful of the way she liked getting fucked, and resist all the heinous stuff I could now in theory do to her, because she's basically a lifeless, lukewarm sex doll. That all sounds like a ton of work, and I could easily consider it 'getting fucked with'.

I guess another way to go would be to assault me sexually. Then I'd have to put up with dicks in my holes, and I'm not sure how good I am at that. I mean, I've said before I'd suck a dick for a lot less money than you might think, but I don't want to disappoint anyone. At least if I got violated in the rectum I know they'll have a good time, and that's some solace. It will take a lot of effort to not be too neurotic. I'd like to lose myself in the moment, you know? Get shipwrecked, swept away, taken to an earth-shattering place by the process of having someone force their penis into my two or so orifices. What a drag!

Giving me lots of money would fuck with me pretty hard. I'd have to figure out what to do with it, learn to be responsible, deal with a lot of bureaucracy and bullshit. I'd probably have to learn some things. Ugh.

I guess you could help me with my aspiring career as a novelist. What would I do with myself if I couldn't identify as a struggling artist? What would be the fuel that runs my daily existence if I managed to achieve my loftiest goal? That could really fuck with me.

Organize an orgy surprise party for my birthday? Awkward!
Give me a handjob on the bus? What if we get caught??!?!
Clean my house when I'm not there? What a violation!

Short Answer: Turns out, there are a lot of ways to fuck with me. Please don't do any of them! Please!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Question: Ever thought of moving away from the city you're in? If so where would you go?

Yes. The city I live in - Vancouver - is expensive.

Here's a list of places I would rather live, if only I had the money, inclination or drive to move.

Narnia - Why? Talking lions and Christian allegory.
Newfoundland - Why? Family and the mandatory minimum fish wage.
Hobbiton - Why? Nice scenery and great professional wrestling matches.
Victoria - Why? Friends and nearly the same living situation/irony.
Just outside of Vancouver - Why? Lower cost of living and continued access to drug overdoses.
Any number of Fantasy novel worlds - Why? Likely to live life as a serf, but there's hope of knighthood and dragon-slaying glory.
Montreal - Why? Poutine and being looked down upon.
Any number of Sci-Fi novel worlds - Why? The preponderance of alien races and evolved states of being. And ray guns.
Scandinavia - Why? Have you looked into this shit? They've got it figured the fuck out.

Short Answer: I think about moving quite often, but my instinct, after years of being in one place, is to make a bold move, not a small one. That has perhaps kept me in place for longer than I'd imagined.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Question: You haven't been writing your blog or taking your daily sexy walks past my jerking bush, where have you been?

I've been in the jerking bush behind you, the one that overlooks your jerking bush. I've been observing your sexual frustration. Your inability to climax gets me off.

Short Answer: I was on vacation.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Question: Hey Keith. Seems like your wife must be pretty cool to let you say such heinous shit about her online. Can you describe her for us?

My wife's like...

Rutger Hauer with more tears in the rain.
Mr. Belding's awkward twin sister.
Denzel Washington's ever growing paunch.
If Raggedy Andy got a sex-change.
Carmen Miranda with penises instead of bananas.
A bottom feeding fish that moans with displeasure when you flip it over.
A toilet-colored person that smells like a toilet.
Ernest Borgnine's cat that looks a lot like him.
That show, Designing Women.
An on-the-wagon four-and-a-half.
Seven ferrets in an Anna Kendrick suit.
The feeling you get when you poop, and then there's a second cramp, and it's likely diarrhea.
Real licorice.
A tantrum thrown by a baby panda because it can't get its glasses clean.
Roadkill with tits.
The feeling you get when a movie doesn't have a post-credit scene.
The feeling you get when a movie does have credit bloopers.
Punky Brewster regretting her breast reduction surgery.
Misreading the word annual as anal.
A facial menstrual cramp.
A smarmy chipmunk that knows you want to fuck it.
How Fleetwood Mac feels about each other.
Being in a live studio audience for the Red Wedding.
A hobo with a t-shirt gun, and all the t-shirts say, 'Hobos Piss in T-Shirts'.
A woman with hot boobs, a fat ass, and a penchant for room-shredding poofarts.

Short Answer: Don't worry, honey. You're a drunk nine for sure!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Question: Does he have a small penis or does she have a wide vagina?

Is wide vagina even really a thing? I mean, aren't there muscles down there? It's not like the waist band of old sweatpants, where it's lost all elasticity and just gapes like the mouth of a grouper fish.

My instinct is small penis, but even that's suspect. The difference in penis sizes between men is negligible, unless you get to the far ends of the spectrum. That's lengths, though, so I guess a penis could be real thin and therefore not make a lady feel...full.

("I had all dat penis and now I'm fulled up!"
- things I hear a lot.)

If sex feels too broad down there, it might be a few other things. Lack of effort, weakened musculature, position, technique. (In then out doesn't necessarily cut it for some girls, just like lying there like a damn princess doesn't do it for some guys.)

Sexual congress can take some effort, and unlike regular congress, someone comes at the end! And no hookers die! And legislation is passed.

Short Answer: I hope it's not the vagina's fault, 'cause that means she'd have to keep finding larger and larger penises to make her feel stuffed. That eventually leads to species jumping, which can get all dangerous up near your organs. (Smiley Horse emoji.)

Monday, July 31, 2017

Question: What are your thoughts on the Ready Player One trailer?

I might just be a total fool, but I don't remember that big-ass chase scene from the book. Even if it's in there - or even symbolically in there - I didn't enjoy the trailer very much because that action scene in no way represents a single one of the great ideas/legitimate reasons to be interested in this adaptation.

I would have much preferred a throwback style trailer about old video games and his actual adventures in the Oasis while he's searching for...whatever spoilery Macguffin he's searching for.

I fear that they think this book was good because of all the random pop-culture elements, but that shit does not a story make. I also believe that nostalgia is far more powerful than CG bullshit.

Like most digital worlds, it will be hard to know how we accept them until we're completely surrounded, deep in the bowels of the film. Hopefully it won't be too distracting to our eyeholes, and they'll keep the focus on the great story.

Short Answer: Still lots of hope. I thought the real world looked awesome. If it veers more Stranger Things than first glance, I think it could still be great. I am a little worried that they're going to rush through the first act of the book to get to 'better stuff' and that would be a mistake.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Question: Should I punch kurt Buttner in the face? or instead should I donate $34 to a charity of Evan's choice?

You should definitely punch Kurt Facener in the butt.
You should definitely butt Kurt Punchner in the face.
You should definitely face Butt Kurtner in the punch.

That's probably about as far as that can go.

I say go with the charity thing for sure. I mean, it's not like Evan can pick a bad one. At least some of the money will end up in the hands of someone who needs it, or the person who's taking way too much of a cut to 'help' others.

As for German entomologist Kurt Buttner, you should probably leave his face alone. Punching people doesn't do a whole lot of good, and it hurts your hand a lot more than you might think. If you don't know how to punch properly, you'll really hurt your wrist or fingers on Buttner's face.

You'll really hurt your butt or wrist on Fingerner's face.
You'll really hurt your wrist or face on Facener's fingers.
You'll really hurt your face or fingers on Wristner's butt.

Short Answer: Chortle. What fun.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Question: I'm getting fed up with your attitude.....?

You're obviously a regular reader. I can tell because of the sneaky question mark. I'll assume you aren't questioning yourself, and just adhering to my rules.


I can also tell based on the mildness of the comment that you're not being serious. Here's the kind of question I get from people who don't like my blog. "You should fuck off and die, you talentless hack. Fuck you. I hope your sister gets ass cancer. Peace!"

So you're obviously not fed up with my attitude. And if you truly are, you should look inward and figure out why. Because my attitude is awesome.

Here's a sentence I've put together to describe my attitude, for people who don't know me and haven't read my blog.

Me: "I'd like to divorce my wife and marry a cartoon dog."

Short Answer: I like your attitude. I always have.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Question: If the Golden Girls entered the Octagon for a 4 way title fight, how would that fight play out?

That's more of a wrestling thing, so it surprises me a little that you think the rules of the 'Octagon' are going to be important in resolving this. We wanna make sure no old ladies kick each other in the old lady balls, I guess.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is a Bea Arthur beatdown A slaughterhouse of blue hair and depends as Bea Arthur obliterates all-comers.

Hey, I want to believe that Estelle Getty is like the old man ninja, too, that she's waiting off to the side, looking for her moment to do something awesome. But it ain't happening. Bea Arthur will devour her.

As for the others, funny don't beat monsters. Trust me, I've tried.

Short Answer: Bea Arthur turns the others into a boxed lunch in round one.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Question: Define "treedumpment"

Not only is there no question mark, I apparently don't deserve any sort of punctuation at all. Is this the end of a sentence? Is it?

This was bound to happen. I blame youths.

I hate to be unoriginal, but I must be honest. Does anyone read this word and not think of taking a dump next to a tree in the woods? Say it in whatever context you see fit, treedumpment is definitely the accomplishment of doing it bear-style. (No, not wiping your ass with a passing squirrel. Keep up!)

Another thought is that 'trump' is in there, somewhere. Like the deep, meaningless sense of bewilderment you feel when he takes a verbal dump. "That thing he said about transgender people in the military is the worst treedumpment yet!"

Short Answer: Maybe if I heard this word, rather than saw it spelled out, I might think someone was offering me a maple syrup flavored candy.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Question: Synthetic aperture radar or just fuck it and hike them salt domes?

Someone's about to be disappointed.

And by someone I mean everyone. I know what an SAR is, and I know what a salt dome is. That's it. I know those things. What this is in reference to, I do not know.

From what I can gather, there is some situation where you A) Hike over salt domes or B) Have the option to avoid them by using radar. The question becomes, why are you avoiding salt domes? Is this about expense in some way? I'm lost.

What a funny answer. Here's a question. Does this have something to do with mining? I'll wait.

...salt domes are pretty sometimes...I don't much like hiking...mountain x-ray...

No answer? That's cool. Figuring out how to answer me without the laws of time and space on your side is tough. Now you know how I felt when I read this question.

Short Answer: Aaaaaandd poop, boobs, poop poop boobs, poopy poopy poopy poopy pooopy poopy boobs.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Question: I can ask you anything? Anything?!!!

2360 previous posts would suggest that yes, you can in fact ask me anything. Even this. Twice.

Short Answer: Most days, I'd rather be having sex with a  lukewarm cheeseburger than doing this.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Question: Where's the weirdest place you've masturbated?

Is this what we want to know about Keith? Really?

I'm about to disappoint you. I don't get off on touching myself in weird locales or situations. Masturbation for me is like maintenance work. I do it once a day to keep the pipes from a'cloggin'.

The weirdest place I've ever masturbated is tame, but it does come with a story.

I was a late-term masturbater, and the first time I ever wrangled myself to completion it was a mistake. I was in a situation where people were getting naked. I was young and embarrassed that my penis size wouldn't be up to snuff. (I'm on the very upper end of the grower/shower spectrum. I grow so much, in fact, that watching me getting erections is like getting a surprise, 3D screening of The Howling.)

I ducked into one of those city parks, a place with a bench and a little creek and some trees, fabricated to break-up the monotony of all things, and did what I knew would work. If I touched myself some, my penis would get bigger. My semi is a whole lot more impressive than my typical resting state, so this was a good plan. Only, I was in a hurry.

You get the rest. Needless to say, I didn't end up showing my once again flaccid penis to anyone that night.

Short Answer: Bonus Top Ten: Things Girls Have Actually Said to Me Upon Seeing My Disproportionate Erection-Ratio-Situation

10) "Wow!"
9) "This could be an issue."
8) "It's like a muppet."
7) "How do you live with those things?"
6) "Fucking hello!"
5) "Holy shit. I was worried for a second. Did that hurt?"
4) "(laughing) That's...that's a monster, dude."
3) "Where did that come from?"
2) "You just went from bunny slope to black diamond."
1) "Huh. Melissa was right."

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Question: Jon's butt Rick?

I want to believe this happens rarely. I like to think that I 'get' things. That I'm down with the hep cats. That I'm in the know, in the now, and down with the relative sickness.

I have no idea what this means. My first thought was that it could be from the new season of Rick and Morty which I haven't yet seen, but googly-eye searches have found no proof of that.

My next thought was that this could be a question from one of my Newfie kin, possible referencing a town name. They have funny town names there. Example: Joe Batt's Arm. Further Example: Dildo.

Major John Buttrick did something in the Battle of Concord in 1775. Probably not related.

So here we are. I'm disappointed. You're salivating for comedy. And the poor person who asked this question probably thought, 'This is brilliant. No way he doesn't know what I'm saying.'

Now, to do my best with what we have. If Jon has a butt, and he named it Rick, Jon is hilarious. That's my opinion on that.

Short Answer: I don't think I've ever had less of clue what a question meant. Even when I get drunk-texted questions I can decipher some meaning. This one has baffled me.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Question: If one were forced to get a colostomy bag, what fun things could they use their now jobless anus/butt for?

What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my band!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my autobiography!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what my mom calls me in company!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what I say to my wife after mediocre vaginal intercourse!

I'm not sure what you want from me here. You and I both know that butts are for two things. Pooping and cramming stuff. So if you're not pooping with it, your options are limited to cramming.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Sounds like the name of my newest porno!

Just for the record, carrying around a bag of your shit isn't at all cool. That kinda sounds like a harsh, schoolyard insult come true in an alarmingly accurate fashion.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Where do I sign up?

This would be great if it was a concert. Jobless Anus with Guest Star: Butt.

Is that enough?

Short Answer: I've never been a big fan of having things in my butt, except on certain specific, sweaty occasions when it all of a sudden becomes very important that we multi-knuckle that fucker to get the angry jizzum out sideways.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Question: Summer Shandy, Fall Apple Cider, Winter Mulled Wine, or Spring Cocktail?

Feels like some real thought went into this, so it makes me sad that my answer is so simple. To honor the effort, let's go through each one.

Fall Apple Cider: Apples give me diarrhea. If this is referring to the fermented kind of cider, that ain't so bad, but I'm always disappointed by the lack of big fruit flavor in ciders. They're too dry!

Winter Mulled Wine: I like wine, and I like spices. This can definitely hit the spot, and makes me feel like I'm tasting something old and special. Like getting a good lick at an elephant's ball sack.

Spring Cocktail: I guess it depends on the cocktail. Lots are good. Many better than the aforementioned bag of pachyderm nuts.

Summer Shandy: I shandy all year, baby. If you read this blog on the regular, you'll have noticed my proclivity for the shandy. In particular, a wheat beer plus a sparkling lemonade, about fifty-fifty. That shit is the pants down winner!

Short Answer: 'That shit is the pants down winner' can read a lot like a typo about pants-shitting.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Question: Kathy Bates, Emo Philips, Ted Danson - Which one would you awkwardly junior high dance with (boner included)? Which one would you sensually rub with soft cheese and tuna? and which one would you abandon in a Black Friday Door Crasher line-up with no means of defense?

Because this is crazy, I'll try to find some parallels in reality.

You're kinda doing marry, fuck, kill. I guess the boner dance is the fucking, the line-up is the killing and, by default, the cheese/fish scenario is the marrying. (It makes sense. Rubbing things on people is tender, and denotes a lifetime commitment.)

So with those guidelines, let it be known that I think Kathy Bates is a tremendous actor. Because of this, I don't want her to die. She's also the only female - my particular sexual proclivity - so boners against her wouldn't be so bad. And because I'm a fan, marrying her wouldn't be so bad.


I don't want to spread cheese and tuna on her! That's gross. So she gets the boner dance.

The rest is simple. Ted Danson gets the rub down, because he's the least gross. Emo Philips sucks and can die, so he can take Black Friday to the dome.

Short Answer: Outside of this scenario, I don't think Emo Philips should die. I get his value. But I didn't actually know his name, and was hoping this was the hot blonde from Wilson Phillips. That got him crushed in a capitalist riot, I'm afraid.

Note: Just looked up Chynna Phillips. She might have been aided in her hotness by that whole 'standing next to uggos' phenomenon.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Question: Bill Cosby....thoughts?

I think we're all sad when our heroes turn out to be flawed.

And with that general statement we can easily shift into the fact that Bill Cosby has not actually been convicted of any crime.

But as they say, where there's smoke, he raped some people.

Short Answer: He ruined sweaters for me.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Question: Pants?

This turned out to be a lot of work. I knew I'd written about pants before, so I did some blog searching. Turns out, there are a lot of pants posts, so I'm going to do something a little different today.

There. That's the link to the 'pants' search on my blog. It turned up some real beauties. So take your pick.

Short Answer: Generally, no.

Note: This post actually shows up in that link now, because magic. Don't be fooled and click the link within the link, or you'll end up in a never ending loop.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Question: Sunday Freeday?

Someone should 'ask' me this question once a week.

Here's some insight into my little world. I'd say at least 3 days a week, I sit here trying to remember a thing I thought of earlier. And by earlier I mean that half-awake, mid-morning dream state that allows your brain to make magical flips of reasoning and bold strides of creativity, unencumbered by complete awakeyness.

Most days I can't remember. Some days I remember and the line or joke I thought was gonna be great is total shit, and has no real meaning. Like, "Grover Socks is a sick name for a band."

This morning, I was being wise in my subconscious, and I came up with this tidbit: Jobs and work are different. A job is what you do to make money. Work is having to get out of bed to go to your stupid shitty job.

That's not bad for not a single thread of conscious, intelligent thought.

I think I agree with Dream Keith. The hardest thing many people do on any given day is overcoming the desire to stay in bed. I thank my busty stars everyday that I'm not faced with that decision. The ability to lounge around, letting my creativity snuggle, is a true blessing. I've come up with some of my best ideas in that warm, calm, morning haven. Such as:

The Baloney Toad
Two-ended matches
The tall thin gate
Soup technique
Gary the Effortless Asiatic Menace
The bindle revival
Eggs Benefactor
Homeless nudists
The Purple Penis Eater
Calvin going to therapy to rid himself of Hobbes, then discovering the wisdom of Leviathan
Stump sucking
Doing cocaine from the cap of a pen
The porn name Tunt Billington Comely Esquire

Short Answer: Funny to claim these were subconscious jokes, because they're actually a child of the other well I draw upon: saying crazy shit with absolutely no forethought whatsoever. Yes, my brain makes up this stuff on a loop, even when I'm trying to be a real boy. Sometimes, it's great. Other times, when Shartnado pops into your head while making love to your wife, things can get a bit hairy.

Note: It's no joke. Tunt Billington Comely Esquire was a moment of pure creation. Snack on that, all you other motherfuckers.