Sunday, December 31, 2017

Questions: You asked for it...Top Ten Movies from this year?

Yes! Thank you for asking.

Though I do have a little trepidation putting in the work. My best books post from a few days ago  (http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2017/12/question-i-think-its-time-for-some-end.html) had low hits, but I have faith that you're all just busy or stupid.

Okay, here's the deal. I kept pretty decent track of the movies I watched this year. (This won't be a best movies released this year list, because I'm far too behind on anything other than superhero movies to make decent, definitive choices. I usually don't catch up on the award-season films until post award season.)

I watched 333 movies this year. That's a close estimate, but there's at least five more that I forgot to write down. I know this because I caught myself at various points over the year remembering movies I hadn't written down days or even weeks later. So some slipped through the cracks. I'm guessing no more than ten.

So, here goes. It's going to take me a while, so you better appreciate it. And I'll stick to ten with a few honorable mentions at the end, even though it will murder my soul. It is, after all, the question that was asked of me. If nothing else, I follow the rules.

(cough)

Also, I'll do a separate section for movies I watched this year that I've seen a bunch, and love. Apparently, despite my efforts, I still watch a lot of things I've seen before.

Top Ten Movies I Watched (For the First Time) This Year 

10) Mr. Right - This is an overlooked romp with two of the most charming people you'll ever see on screen together, Anna Kendrick and Sam Rockwell. Crime and love and stuff. Not original, just the best of its kind.
9) Star Wars: The Last Jedi - This movie is good.
8) Mother! - Not for everyone, but if you like watching a very talented director (Darren Aronofsky) flex his metaphorical muscles, this is a smorgasbord of Mr. Universe-like proportions.
7) Nocturnal Animals - Another visually arresting director, this time Tom Ford, getting his rocks off with some sound source material.
6) It - Is this Stephen King's best adaptation to screen? It's wholly engaging, and scary as hell, and fun as...clowns?
5) Goodnight Mommy - Seems like a lot of my picks this year are divisive. This one lost some people, but if you were in the right mindset, this is exactly what horror movies are supposed to do to your brain.
4) Atonement - I'd skipped over this one. Oops. Heart-shattering and full of quality.
3) Hell or High Water - My favorite under-rated and under-utilized actor Ben Foster owning in all character-y ways, plus great work from Chris Pine and The Dude, I mean, Jeff Bridges.
2) Incendies - Another one I'd skipped, despite my love for many-things-Villeneuve (looking at you, Enemy). This movie is so slow at times that you can't help but expect great things toward the end. Then you get them, and you're grateful that cinema like this exists.
1) Moonlight - A rare occurrence, that any of us would agree with the Academy. I was surprised how much I adored this film, which I believe was the best of 2016, and therefore the best I watched in 2017.

Honorable Mentions: The Neon Demon, Personal Shopper, Raw, Night Moves, They Look Like People.

Top Ten Movies I Watched (For the Humpteenth Time) This Year

10) Office Space - This doesn't get any worse. I love Mike Judge, and this is his best work to date...'cept for maybe Silicon Valley.
9) Hot Fuzz - Despite its popularity, I think this film is underrated. Successful in all directions it attempts to entertain.
8) Whiplash - Another 'as good as they say it is' movies. Two sick performances, one fast-paced assassination of well-being, and a timeless story about the lengths we can go to achieve.
7) Re-Animator - Lovecraft plus Stuart Gordon plus Jeffrey Combs is a fine thing to behold. (From Beyond almost made this list as well.)
6) Heat - Pacino and De Niro and...that's good enough.
5) The Breakfast Club - Hughes at his best.
4) The Lost Boys - Best Horror Movie You've Never Seen, jerks.
3) The Exorcist - ...and the best that you have seen. Jerks.
2) Black Swan - Aronofsky again? Well, I never!
1) Superbad - One of my all-time favorite films. I watched it twice this year.

Honorable Mentions: Stepbrothers, Friday the 13th Part 4, Up in the Air, This is Where I Leave You, Good Will Hunting.

Short Answer: Bonus List!

Worst Ten Movies I Sat Through This Year

10) Batman VS. Superman - I think enough has been said about this. Though awful, there's some fun to be had, hence the low (high?) ranking.
9) Lights Out - Another forgettable horror film based on a great short.
8) Independence Day: Shitty - I don't remember the stupid, tacked-on name. Does it matter?
7) The Magnificent Seven - This movie makes re-making movies look like a bad idea, despite this being the second time it's been remade. Got that?
6) After.Life - A few years old, kept seeing it on the internet because of the full frontal nudity. Not worth the time, even taking into account said full frontal nudity. Would've rather seen Liam Neeson's dong.
5) Jurassic World - I'm not sure what to make of this. It's just poor and unsuccessful on all fronts save the fancy-shmancy dinosaur effects. And Jake Johnson, who is amazing. (Also, the only film that Christ Pratt will ever not be charming in.)
4) Suicide Squad - Oof.
3) The Dark Tower - Stephen King's worst adaptation? Nothing like the books. Not even close. Not good.
2) Justice League - Aquabro? What the...
1) The Bye Bye Man - It's good that you haven't heard of this cookie-cutter, piece-of-shit horror movie. Worst of the year by a wide margin.

Note: Was just reading over this and I realized something amazing. I'd omitted all Marvel films. This wasn't on purpose. I think it's possible that Thor: Ragnorok was my sixteenth favorite movie this year. I also really enjoyed Spider-Man: Homecoming, Civil War and Logan, and I've seen Deadpool five times already. I think I may be suffering from a little superhero fatigue, so they aren't stacking up against the non-superhero fare all that well. But fear not! I'm still a superhero fanboy through and through, and will return to my biased ways before you can say anything at all about clobberin' time.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Question: What are your Top Ten hairbrush quotes of the year?

Very funny. I see that someone saw my suggestion from yesterday's post (to ask me some Top Ten lists for the end of the year) and thought they'd be funny. And their idea of funny was jamming two things together that don't belong.

Kinda like what me and your mom did last night.

Top Ten Hairbrush Quotes of 2017

10) Do we need a new hairbrush?
9) That doesn't fit in there.
8) Try it sideways.
7) There's a lot of matted hair around it. Like your hairbrush.
6) It smells like a hairbrush in here.
5) Your penis, balls and pubes resemble a hairbrush, Keith.
4) "A hairbrush with a really fuckin' long handle." - Keith
3) I think we do in fact need a new hairbrush. For brushing our hair. And also for inserting into our anal - wait, be quiet, I think your aunt can hear us.
2) Merry Hairbrush!
1) Sometimes writing this blog is like brushing your teeth with a hairbrush.

Short Answer: That last one was me, just now.

Note: The part my aunt didn't get to overhear was the word 'canals'.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Question: I think it's time for some end of the year lists from Keith. Huh? Lists? Huh?

Funny, I was just thinking the same thing.

I'd like to spread this out, so maybe I can do a list today, and someone out there who loves me can ask me some more before the year's out. I'll prioritize them to get them in soon.

Last year I did a 'Best Ten Books I've Read Within the Year' list, so I think I'd like to parrot (word-parrot, write-parrot, type-parrot?) that.

(Here's the 2016 list, if you're interested: http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2016/07/question-read-any-good-books-lately.html)

Best Books I've Read 2017 Edition

10) Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - JK Rowling. Finally got around to reading this, and I wasn't disappointed in the slightest. It wasn't as kiddie as I'd been told, and it's obvious that it created a fair foundation for future success. Also, I think I'm a Hufflepuff.
9) Scrappy Little Nobody - Anna Kendrick. From her childhood as a stage kid to present, this is Anna Kendrick's story, in Anna Kendrick's words. Probably shouldn't buy if you're not a fan of Anna Kendrick.
8) When to Rob a Bank - Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubner. The Freakonomics guys give you a curated blog-collection from their economics website. That sentence was far drier than this book.
7) Yes Please - Amy Poehler. Perhaps my least favorite of the modern comedic genius books I've read, but still great fun seeing behind the curtain of one of the funniest ladies out there.
6) Seinfeldia - Jennifer Keishin Armstrong. All things Seinfeld, with a particular focus on the constantly rotating writer's room. Also, all the hits, and how they came about. Great stuff.
5) Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn. In many ways, this was a typical first novel. It read a lot like many of the other female-led detective-style novels I've checked out over the last few years. In a lot of ways, it owes more to Sue Grafton than anything modern and subversive. And yet, where it is modern and subversive, it shines like the edge of a razor blade in moonlight.
4) In Such Good Company - Carol Burnett. The master of sketch comedy looks back on the Carol Burnett Show with grace and charm. Warm, funny and a lesson in how to be successful, while remaining positive and grounded.
3) At the Mountains of Madness - HP Lovecraft. I've been a Lovecraft fan since I was a young lad, but I'd never gotten around to this larger work. Finally, it's been devoured, and its eternal soul will forever bask in the black-dark light of the elder gods.
2) The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss. People kept telling me to read Rothfuss. People were right. A fantasy novel full of easy control, a lesson in storytelling and competency, as well as a main character to fall in love with.
1) The Gathering Storm/Towers of Midnight/A Memory of Light - Brandon Sanderson & Robert Jordan. And finally, I've finished The Wheel of Time. Many tears were spilled throughout these last few books, as Sanderson deftly forges a final act of nearly 1.5 million words, to put an end to Jordan's epic saga.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, The Peripheral by William Gibson, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer, A is for Alibi by Sue Grafton, Consider Phlebas by Iain M. Banks.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Question: Is it just me, or did you have way less Christmas posts this year?

Usually it's just you. You're not me, so you're dumb, and that's often enough to discover the culprit. In this case, you're actually right. Time to celebrate.

I think there might be a few more coming, but as you may have noticed, I wasn't as vigilant this holiday season in terms of keeping up with the blog. I decided to give myself a stress-free holiday, which included not turning on the computer a lot of the time. It worked, to the point that I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't put on Christmas socks and ignore my responsibilities for the rest of the year.

Anyway, Christmas is over so we might as well all be dead.

Short Answer: Later. (By the way, yes, there were far fewer Christmas posts this year. People are horrible.)

Friday, December 22, 2017

Question: How many Lowe’s would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?

I can't be mad, because my brother 'asked' me this in response to yesterday's Do-Dunky nightmare of dunkeroos or whatever.

So I'm going to answer it with respect.

If you'd asked me how many he could rob, it would be different. But asking how many Lowe's Rob Lowe would rob adds some subjectivity that makes pin-pointing an answer more difficult.

Don't be disappointed, but I'm guessing just the one. Rob Lowe is so handsome that it's obvious he's our better. By that logic, he'd know exactly what he needed to rob from Lowe's on the first attempt, and he'd get it all.

With me? Handsome equals better, equals smarter, equals one trip to Lowe's.

Is this a cop out? Yes. Would I have sex with Rob Lowe? Yes. Is that relevant? I have an impressive penis. Wait, what? Everyone thinks I'm cool. How did...everyone! Everyone does! I'm the coolest! Faaaaachhkkkgerhrh!

Short Answer: So, how's Christmas going?

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Question: If Dunky-Dunky do Dunky, how many dunky-dos does Do-Dunky doo-doo?

...

(holds head in hands)

...

(big sigh)

...

Do you want me to stop writing this blog? You could just say so. This is what we're doing? Instead of a Christmas list, something about nostalgic holiday memories, or great food? This? The fucking Dunky-Do question?

...

I...I'm going now.

Short Answer: Dunky-Dunky can go fuck himself.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Question: Holy shit! Is it December 20 already?

First off, kudos to the asshole who asked me this question on December 13th. Also, you're supposed to put that little 'th' in after the number. And 'already' is spelled as above, not 'all ready'.

Do we need to go any further than this?

Short Answer: Merry Christmas, you dickhole.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Question: Still works, huh?

Penis? Barely
Rihanna? Works, works, works.
Men at? Works
The refrigerator? Still runs.
Still water? Works at running deep.
Nuns on the run? Stream of consciousness humor still working.
Men Without Hats? Works at being confused for Men at? Works.
All Work and No Play? Jack Nicholson.
Are any of these jokes working? Huh?
I love Christmas? Yep.
Hamburger? Still the works.
Hot dog? Samesies.
Work release? Nope. Our prisons are universities for crime. The system doesn't work.
Moonshine ready on time? Still works.
Crosby, Nash and Young? Works without Stills.
Moving around a little bit? Wife says no. Still works.
She's sleepy, that's all. And sexual desire is different for her. As in, she thinks I'm gross. But her boobs still work. Wait, did I forget the question part? Oh, there it is.
Funny bone, Keith? Still works!

Short Answer: I asked this question of myself to test my contact form. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Did that work? What about now? How about....still not working? Have I tried blowing in it?

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Question: Could you write us an entire short story about Christmas?

This is not in keeping with the holiday spirit. Let's just assume that your job is 'doing janitor stuff'. If I said, "Hey, for Christmas, could you clean all the toilets right now?" you'd be pretty pissed, right?

Goddammit.

Just like when my wife is on her period, this is going to be briefs.

A Christmas Miracle

Once there was an old man who lived alone on a farm. Every year he would chop down a Christmas tree from the neighboring woods, and spend three whole days decorating it to his liking.

One Christmas, a postman appeared with a package. On approach of the farmhouse, he saw the old man inside, alone, trimming his tree with great care. So focused was the old farmer, that the postman felt bad interrupting him, and rather than ring the bell, he left the package on the doorstep and snuck away.

For some reason, the postman couldn't get the man out of his head. Though he couldn't quite explain it, when another package arrived with the same address - the old man's remote farmhouse - he smiled with holiday joy, feeling a minor miracle had occurred.

So the postman returned to the old man's farm.

This time, when he peeked through the window, he witnessed a very different sight.

The old man sat splay-legged before the tree, attempting to insert an obscenely large dildo into his rectum.

With a tear of Christmas spirit, the postman looked down at the package in his hands. He couldn't be sure, but he thought it had come from the same address.

Harry's Giant Ass Dildos, written right there above the Massachusetts address.

With a snippet of glee, the postman clicked his heels together, and tore open the package. Sure enough, it was a dildo, same as the old man's, only this one was silver, with sparkles embedded within.

The postman looked up. The old man was there, staring out the window. He waved, greased dildo in hand, and directed the postman to the front door.

"You opened my package," said the man. He had long festive balls, his thatch of pale pubic hair dyed green for the season.

"I'd like to," said the postman.

"What does that mean?" asked the old man. (Again, long balls and green pubes.)

"It's a sex thing," said the postman.

"Right."

The postman exhaled, taking a chance. "Did you...order this for me?"

"Why in the fuck would I have done that?" asked the old man. "I don't even know you." But then, he smiled a knowing smile.

"You saw me? You saw me watching you trim the tree?"

The farmer nodded. "I thought if I ordered another, you'd have to come back. I was waiting for you."

The postman's expression became quizzical. "Wait, what? How long have you been sitting there pushing that huge dildo up inside you, hoping I'd show up?"

"Couple of days."

"What if they'd sent someone else? A woman, for God's sake?"

"I guess it's a Christmas miracle."

"I guess it is."

And they laughed together. And the farmer asked if Crisco was okay for the dildo grease, and the postman said of course, and they railed on themselves in front of the Christmas tree, alone in their hearts - alone like no one else could ever be - and yet together. In a Christmas sex way.

Short Answer: I actually started out thinking I could write a heartfelt Christmas story off the top of my head. But sure enough, dildos happened again. Merry Christmas, asshole who asked me this fucking question! (This story was brought to you by Crisco.)



Saturday, December 16, 2017

Question: Other than Shrimp rings, cocktail wines and cheeses, what is your favorite festive appetizer?

You take the bacon. You take the scallop. You wrap the bacon 'round the scallop. Then, you cook the bacon and the scallop together, until the bacon tastes like scallop, and the scallop tastes like bacon.

Consume until sick.

Short Answer: Yes, I took a week off to be with my wife. And yes, we're dehydrated.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Question: jh.lk;l

This might be the first question I ever received that was sent by an ass. As in, someone sat on the keyboard and sent me what their bum said.

To answer it? Who knows? How could I know better than anyone else.

Let's play a game.

Jim had lichen kites laminated.
Jesus hasn't looked kind, lately.
Jeremy has long, kinetic locks.

This is a stupid game. There's no way this is what's occurring. I'm trying, here. Gimme a damn break.

Juries half-love killer logic.
Jump higher like Kilimanjaro, Lester.

Let's go deeper.

Jimi Hendrix. Looking killer; lol.

See? I included the punctuation.

Fuck this.

Short Answer: Maybe...I shouldn't answer every question?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Question: Do you send nudes?

Though it's been requested many, many, many times...

(How many 'manys' makes this the right amount of believable do you figure?)

...I have yet to send nudes over the electronic mailing system, or the texticle phone apparatus.

I have, however, sent nudes I've taken of other people to them to surprise them. Nothing sets you straight when you're at work like a picture of your own naked boobs, let my wife tell you.

Especially with the angles I discover. I will crouch to get a photo. I'll fucking do it.

I fear that the problem is that I am a man, and not one of those one percent body fat dudes who discovered extra abs beneath his abs. I'm a normal man. And normal men are a dime a dozen. Sure I've got a hog that would make a manger full of baby Jesuses weep, but I find it hard to fit it all in frame. Trust me, nobody wants half a ball, something beige, and a patch of semi-recently shaved pubic hair.

A picture of me is like a Christmas card from your boring relatives. 'Oh look, it's Keith', you'd say. You might also say, 'He's quite nude. Is that some of his giant wang?' Then you'd surmise that all in all, it wasn't worth the effort.

Short Answer: I'm all for sending nudes. I think hot naked people should spread the joy.


Thursday, December 7, 2017

Question: When you hit a golf ball into the woods, do you go looking for it?

I see what's going on here. You're trying to be deep, like, this is some sort of metaphor. Probably about life, right?

Well I don't play golf, so fuck you.

Short Answer: Aren't there golf-slaves for that?

Note: Wait, doesn't it mean you're shitty if you hit a golf ball into the woods? How about: 'Don't be shitty.' There's a metaphor you can live by.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Question: Wha? Huh?

I know. Life is very confusing.

Have you tried removing your head from your ass? I know it's hard with your foot in your mouth, and your fingers in the pie, and your heart on your sleeve, and your lips locked, and your ears to various grindstones and your eyes on the prize...

Have you tried going through it with someone else? Hand in hand, heart to heart, head over heels, eyes locked in the same direction?

Have you tried asking for help, or are you looking a gift horse in the mouth? Are you afraid when someone offers to lend a hand? Do you fear they'll want to get something off their chest once intimacy has been achieved? Do you have cold feet? You think friendship might cost an arm and a leg? That you'll cry your heart out when things don't go well? That you'll have to face the music?

You first need to get your head out of the clouds, get that chin up, let your hair down and play it by ear. Stick your neck out, wash your hands of the consequences and by the skin of your teeth you just might manage to see eye to eye with someone.

I'm not pulling your leg. As a rule of thumb, if you need a pat on the back, you'll fail. Over my dead body, that's the bird's eye view.

It might make your blood boil, but in my neck of the woods, it's your flesh and blood that makes it all possible. Your family doesn't care about your cold feet. They don't care if you're thick in the head or if you bawl your lungs out. They are your head start.

Short Answer: Penis.


Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Question: You know you want to...dirty Christmas songs?

Though Christmas to me is sacred, I think it's early enough that I can do this with little hesitation.

(Exchange the word 'Christmas' for the word 'bumhole', and the word 'early' with 'wide' and you've got a thing I've actually said out loud.)

Dirty Fucking Christmas Songs!

It's Christmas All Over Dem Titties
Deck the Balls
Good King Wenceslas Went Down On A Bunch of Hobos
Jingle Bell Cock
Have a Holly & Molly Christmas
The Little Drummer Boy and His Big Appetite for Interracial Porn
Santa Make a Baby in my Tummy
O Holey Underwear
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas All Over My Stepsister's Face
Carol of the Bells and Also Pegging
Ballgagged Night
All I Want For Christmas is a Gummer
We Wish You a Merry Christmas and Horny Fat Queer
O Come, All Ye Faithful, Into the Communal Gang Bang Bucket
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, do Cocaine
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman with Fingers in Your Butts
Blue Balls Christmas
I Saw Mommy Throat-Hugging Santa Clause
I'll Be Heterosexual for Christmas
It Came Upon a Midnight Face
Silver Balls
Do They Know it's Christmas Time or Are They Only Aware They're About to be Sex-Trafficked?
It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Imminent Wetwork
Do You Hear What I Hear...Squishy?
I Saw Three Tips Go Sailing By on Christmas Day in my Bumhole
Please Come Home for Christmas; I Shaved
Up on the House-Top Dick, Dick, Dick

Short Answer: It got a little dark in there. We covered my love of hefty gay people, my desire to stay away from dude bars as per my wife's request during the holidays, and how much I love balls. Man, am I ever gay for Christmas. In a sex way!

Note: How have I not done this before? Have I done this before? Who am I talking to? Is it you? Is it? Do you have a Christmas tree in the room? Then it's you! I've watched you pee!





Monday, December 4, 2017

Question: If I (a dude), blows a dude once does it mean I’m gay or that I just blew a dude. (Once)

It might just be by personality talking, or maybe my aura, or my spirit animal, but I swear I've answered this question before and frequently.

I'll go check...

(...gives a dude a blow job...)

...and I'm back.

Nothing means you're gay expect being gay. You could suck a dick every day for a thousand days and if you still get an erection when you see titties, you're not gay. You're awesome, though.

I get that your question is kinda funny, so there's no need to try to out-funny it. It plays on the idea that people are afraid of being gay, or uncertain about their own sexuality. How about, who gives a shit? Maybe sexuality is fluid. Maybe you're not gay until you meet the right penis. The one thousandth and first, for example?

I've never had sex with a man, but if I met a man, and I got a boner, I'd be like, "Guess I'm gay for this dude." So what? We're moving forward, here, people. Do what you do, love what you love. Where you stick it doesn't hurt anyone but the stickee, and that's just because you haven't committed to the use of real butter.

Short Answer: Margarine can be gritty. (That's entirely untrue, but fun to read under the circumstances.)

Friday, December 1, 2017

Question: If you were a god, what offerings would you demand of your followers?

If?

I'm not really the demanding sort. I like to think I'd make some pretty cogent and rational arguments, and win people over to my way of thinking.

Or kill them when they disagree. Or smite them. With my penis. Cocksmite.

I've always wanted a harem. Like a group of women to have sex with. For most, this would be difficult, because you'd have to assume a lot of them don't want to be there, or at least that they hate their job. But because I'm me, it would be easy to find ten-to-twenty women who wish to lay with me as a career. I am a god, after all. And besides, harem work is great, especially as prostitution goes. How many times can a man do it one day? And with all that variety, what's the chance I'll even get to you today? And if we're talking about me, what's the chance I'll even be able to get an erection?

Being in my harem would pretty much just be you smiling at me, and fondling my balls until I stop crying, then fielding awkward questions about whether or not you like my beard since I trimmed it.

I guess, though I consider myself original, I'd be a classic sort of god. Gotta be impressed by sacrifices, especially of the human variety. If you kill your own kid, you're in my favor. You really went for it, and I'm down. Maybe I'd demand cannibalism, because that's awesome and a great way to keep the population down, as well as taking care of the 'homeless problem'. See how those quotation marks made it seem like I'm not eradicating 'homeless people'. I am.

Also, incest. I think if you want to show loyalty to your god, you've gotta fuck your sister. You kind of want to anyway, right? Who doesn't? But no parental stuff. Those relationships are sacred, unlike, say, getting a blowjob from your uncle.

Short Answer: This might be the first time I've questioned whether or not I should be giving advice to people. Seems like I might be fucked up.



Thursday, November 30, 2017

Question: What do you think of Jann Arden?

Did Jann Arden ask me this question? Or was it a time traveler? Is it uncool to point out that artists are often of particular ears, or is that considered calling them irrelevant? I'm sure most people, even the one-hit wonders, want to think they had a longer career than they did. And many do, playing lesser and lesser venues before being released into the wilds of obscurity to start radio shows and eventually dog grooming services.

I don't know anything about Jann Arden, except of course for the fact that my blog premise dictates I know everything about Jann Arden. So I do.

She seems pretty cool. I liked her on the radio.

Short Answer: I'm not sure what you were expecting. Do I come across with a 'Jann Arden' kind of vibe? Do I have a 'Jann Arden' aura? Did you think me a kindred spirit, sharing your love of 'Jann Arden'? Have the words 'Jann Arden' lost all meaning? Huh. I think I might call my next dog 'Jann Arden'. That's funny. Nope, nope, now 'Jann Arden' is starting to sound like the name of a sci-fi character. Maybe even played by Jan Michael Vincent? You're right. I'll stop.

Note: Good luck getting these references everyone under the age of thirty!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Question: I hear you're sick...?

Who dis? You in here with me? I'm naked and covered in mucous!

Here's me when I'm sick:

"I don't need to wear clothes."
"I don't need to hygiene."
"I don't need to hit the toilet."
"I don't need to do chores."
"I don't need to write words that make sense."
"I should exercise..."
"I shouldn't have exercised. Now I feel like a greasy turd."
"Did I eat?"
"I should have more fluids. Do we have ginger ale?"
"I should go out and get stuff..."
"I shouldn't have left the house. Now I feel like a buffet meal."
"I don't need to masturbate."
"Should I masturbate twice?"
"Do I have a third one in me?"
"Why does my prostate hurt?"
"I think I'll eat seven sandwiches."

Short Answer: Just a cold. No big deal. Save for the clean-up.


Monday, November 27, 2017

Question: What's in your head today?

Because I've written posts (post?) in the past about things I've said out loud, I choose to take this question literally. Here are some things I said in my head today.

'Get up, fucker.'
'Stuff your update.'
'Who the Hell is Meghan Markle?'
'Time to take a fadoople.'
'Lemme get my glasses and have a closer look at this turd.'
'This toilet chokes on poops alone?'
'Time to get some walking in in.'
'Dark minds don't matter.'
'More like, Vancouver Pubic Library, am I right?'
'Yes! Another poem about heroes. To shelve them in the open, and become disinterested.'
'You can't have a fatwad without fat wads.'
'How do you prefer to eat cheese? With my mouth. Is this a surprise? How many people are playing cheddar-butt without me knowing?'
'Why does cheddar work in this joke if it's not the funniest-sounding cheese? How contextual are milk products? Discuss later with oneself!'
'I wouldn't wait in a Disney line-up to meet a sweaty teenager in a mouse costume. Oh, shit. I did that once. My wife is terrible.'
'Not raining. But wait.'
'Two-day old underoos, touching on my bean bag, taking out the crotch garbage, snuggin' up tight. Doop-da-doop, da-doop doop doop.'
'Stop Iron Manning.'
'Would I fuck a fat girl, or let a fat girl fuck me?'
'I wonder what percentage of my thoughts would make stupid people angry? 69 percent? Nailed it.'
'I bet my mom would like to ride that bike.'
'Cyber Monday? Goddammit.'
'I guess I wouldn't kick Rihanna out of bed.'
'Eat cheeseburgers! Make titties!'
'Lemme just move my stupid knee! You knee asshole.'

Short Answer: That's enough of that. ('Now do the thing with the short answer where you make it all the things.')

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Question: What's the deal with airline food?

Seinfeld?

I knew your read my blog, you magnificent bastard!

This might be a first. This question appeared in January of this year, written exactly the same way. Word4Word. (That was my boy band from fat camp. What do words have to do with being fat, you ask? Shut-up or I swear I'll eat a large amount of food!)

Hey. Fat Camp would be an hilarious name for a boy band.

Anyway, here's this:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2017/01/question-whats-deal-with-airline-food.html

Short Answer: How many people would ask this question with the word 'airline' rather than 'airplane'? I'm starting to think someone's messing with me. Seinfeld?

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Question: So how are you feeling about Trump these days?

Sexual.

Short Answer: The only positive thing that remains in a human being devoid of selflessness is a couple of available holes for me to fuck. The rest is oil and skin and dark matter and detritus.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Question: You skipped my question, was that on purpose? or did you think it was a repeat?

That's not how it works.

I answer every question that I see. Every single one. I've never skipped a question. I'll address it, repeat or not.

On November 4th I received a question through my online form that had no content. That's the only explanation I might have for you. That's happened before, I think twice in seven years. I assumed the first time it happened that it was human error, but I suppose it's possible that sometimes the form eats a question. Rare, though.

So in other words, get bent, fuck you, eat many of the dicks from the entire dick bag.

Short Answer: You've wasted our time today, just as you wasted it when you sent me a question with no words in it. I blame you for other things as well.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Question: Have you ever gone cow tipping? What did you think of it?

First off, I have not. Therefore, what I thought of it is tricky to nail down. I'm guessing what I would have thought was, 'Why don't I leave this fucking cow the fuck alone, and maybe I should get better friends.'

Here's a post about cow tipping from earlier this year:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2017/03/question-i-got-drunk-last-night-and-my.html

That should take care of your Ask Keith Anything entertainment for the day.

Now, to answer a question you didn't ask.

No. I will never go cow tipping. That shit is dumb and mean. Get a hobby, turd.

Short Answer: Cows are precious creatures. If we treat them poorly, they won't be able to fill the world with methane and kill us all.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Question: How would you like your eggs cooked?

Unfertilized. Wait, that doesn't work. You've ruined everything, question! (Runs to bedroom, sobbing.)

I'll eat eggs straight out of a chicken's ass if I can get 'em. There. I've finally tripped across my epitaph.

Short Answer: Over easy.

Note: Separate joke for wrestling fans. 'I like my eggs like the WWE likes Roman Reigns: over easy.'

Monday, November 20, 2017

Question: What's the best color suit for a spaceman?

Whenever I see the word 'spaceman' I think of Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock. (Just realized that 'Dr. Spaceman' is a pronunciation joke, and therefore is very hard to explain in words. Stupid words! You've failed me for the first time!)

White seems to be the choice of all everyone ever, which is probably why I'm partial to black space suits. Plus, they have bigger butts.

Black girls joke! Boo-yah!

No? We're not doing that anymore?

Fuck me.

I could go for some pink space suits. That'd be different. Plus, pink ladies have huge titties!

Pink lady jokes! Boo-yah!

No? We're not making these jokes in space, either?

Fuck you.

Short Answer: Yellow. Because it's purdy. Just like how the Asian girls - okay, okay, fine.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Question: If you could have a superpower named after a rock band, album, or song, what would it be called and what would it do?

I would have the power of:

Whitesnake! The ability to grow a tiny dick into a very impressive dick!

Heart! The ability to grow one half of me into a very fat lady!

Megadeth! The ability to murder lots of people at once!

The Beatles! The ability to attract an Asian wife, despite the consequences!

Radiohead! The ability to broadcast mouthsex noises!

Muse! The ability to take credit for other people's creative work!

The Crash Test Dummies! The ability to survive damage from collisions!

The Barenaked Ladies! The ability to make it in America, despite the odds!

U2! The ability to be inclusive!

Oasis! The ability to make you see water!

The Doors! The ability to let you into/keep you out of a whole room!

Avenged Sevenfold! The ability to accomplish excessive avenging!

Pink Floyd! The ability to make the name 'Floyd' sound cool!

Iron Maiden! The ability to make a made-up torture device seem a proper historic method of interrogation!

Jethro Tull! The ability to be one guy with a flute!

Def Leppard! The ability to know the sound of one hand clapping!

Panic at the Disco! The ability to be oddly specific!

Twenty One Pilots! The ability to count pilots!

The Band! The ability to name bands!

Creedence Clearwater Revival! The ability to...yeah!

Short Answer: You know it's enough when you bail hard.

Note: Ignore two-thirds of the question? Check. Feel good about yourself anyway? Check. Spell cheque the alternate way? Check. Spell check? Check. Be from Slovakia? Check.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Question: If you had to listen to one Christmas song on repeat for all of the Christmas season, what would it be?

This is easy as shit. You were probably looking for some in-depth analysis, weren't you? That's not about to happen. My heart sings in harmony with the voice of one George Michael.

The answer is Last Christmas by Wham!

Here's the list I did a few years back:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/12/question-what-are-you-favorite.html

You may notice that Last Christmas isn't number one, but that's because I did that thing where I tried to take some outside information into account, some objectivity with which to forge the list. (In hindsight, this was dumb, as the question specifically asked for my 'favorites'. Hey, I can't always be right on the ball.)

Just kidding. I can. Especially outside of parenthesis!

Short Answer: Please. Let's hold off on Christmas questions for a bit longer. Wait, scratch that. Send them and I'll just start storing them for later. You should be able to ask anything you want. Like that time my mom asked, "Why haven't you come out of the closet yet? You're a grown-ass man."

Friday, November 17, 2017

Question: Do you ever have a problem with piss driblets?

Now, see? You've gone and done that thing where you put something funny in the question. Now what am I supposed to do? Come up with a funnier sounding thing than piss driblets?

You've ruined everything.

I guess the answer is yes. I've certainly knocked off a few driblets in my day. I even have a 'smack the ween' routine, to keep that shit from becoming a problem. And yes, I've dolloped my jeans before. Who hasn't? In fact, I used to go commando until I started to soak through the front of my jeans with all the urine.

I'm covered in urine most times, now that I think of it. I'm like an elk in heat, just caked with the darkest, smelliest stuff. My leg hair is all stuck together with it.

Short Answer: But I wouldn't say it's a problem.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Question: My car wouldn't start and I was stranded. My boyfriend fixed it, what's an appropriate gift to give him?

Maybe let him go in through the muffler?

Maybe some backseat love?

Maybe let him pop the trunk?

Maybe let him change your dirty oil?

Maybe let him replace the headlights...in your asshole?

Short Answer: Anal. The answer is anal.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Question: Strangers Things season 2 sucks, right?

Boy, this is a risky game. Looking for support? You've come to the wrong place. I'm not a brassiere!!!

Nailed that brassiere joke.

Anywho, I don't think Stranger Things season 2 sucks at all. I think it's very similar to the first season in terms of quality and execution. I even looked up some things to see what the fuck you could be talking about, and besides a universal complaint that the season starts a little slow, I couldn't see any hard evidence that would indicate it objectively 'sucks'.

Maybe there are some things you don't like about it. I didn't personally love the 'New Mutants' episode, so I get where you're coming from. But sucks means bad, and bad I won't agree with. Sounds like you didn't like it. Proving something is bad takes solid arguments and backup. I tried to see it from your point of view, but I can't.

I don't think it was as good as the first season, but I'm not the biggest fan of the show in its entirety. I like it fine. I think it works really well. I think it's a high quality show. But I'm not, say, a big enough fan to bother arguing over it online.

Short Answer: You suck.

Note: Steve rules.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Question: I want to hear your wife answer a blog post. Is that something that can happen?

"Is that the question? The entire question?

Well, that could be anything.

Does that mean take someone else's question and answer it?

I have no idea.

Can we maybe hold off on doing that one for another day?

(Laughter.)

No! I'm sick, man."

Short Answer: (Sound of nose blowing.)

Note: This is what you get.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Question: If you had to eat red snow or yellow snow, which would eat?

Red. Because yellow snow is more than likely urine. Red snow could be any number of things. If it's blood, like I think this question implies, I'd rather eat blood than pee.

Also, it might be menstrual blood, which is thick and tasty.

Blood also doesn't mean that someone is dehydrated, whereas yellow snow does. I don't want to imbibe the fluid of a dehydrated man. That's sick.

Red snow might mean someone got stabbed, but that's cool. At least they aren't dehydrated.

If someone happened to come along with their snow cone syrups, I think yellow is probably lemon. Red could be cherry, or strawberry, or raspberry, or even fruit punch!

Did I do menstrual blood yet? Righto.

In what scenario would I have to choose? Is this like a lawn-invasion type situation where some thugs in pillow-masks are forcing me to eat snow or they'll give my wife a friction burn or make her get a new copy of her Air Miles card or something? Because I don't know that I'd bother saving her from that. It's not like I have to apply the ointment or call Air Miles.

Short Answer: You know what's really gross? Both colors in the snow at once, maybe even near each other, maybe with a touch of an orange halo where they meet.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Question: How do ultrasonic humidifiers work?

First they take a butt. Then they take a finger. Then they take said finger and insert it into the aforementioned butt, like so.

(...a grunt...a whistle...three random curse words...a sense of peace.)

I'm back, baby!

Isn't it a ceramic diaphragm that vibrates at a high rate, therefore creating water droplets?

It is? Sweet!

Here comes finger the second!

(...an anticipatory wheeze...three knocks on the door...a shouted lie to my wife...an accidental poo.)

Why, I wonder, did you need to know this? Why couldn't you look it up yourself? Did you think, 'You know what Keith could really make some comedy with? Ultrasonic frequencies!'

Dare we go for a third finger?

(...check to see if no one's looking up onto my balcony...bending further at the waist...an encouraging knee slap...loudest fart you've ever heard.)

Okay, okay. As hard as this has been to write with one hand, I feel like I owe the audience a fourth finger. I've already pooped a bit on the floor, and scared a nearby raven with a big fart, so what else can happen? What else can come out of my bum in response to inserted fingers?

Short Answer: (...my wife finding me curled in the fetal position...my thumb spasming against the underside of my balls...a quick call to 911...a dirty tamagotchi I hid up there when I was twelve, now excreted onto the concrete.)

Note: It's still alive!

Friday, November 10, 2017

Question: Do you think Cameron Diaz is hot?

Is this question from the nineties?

Cameron Diaz is definitely not my type. I think objectively she's likely to be categorized as 'hot', and she's funny in Bad Teacher and that's kinda hot, but I like brunettes with big butts and boobs 'til Tuesday.

So...no.

Now where the fuck did this question come from?

Your move.

Short Answer: I thought she was super hot in The Mask.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Question: Can you recount the best time you ever vomited?

Best is a funny word to use, here, isn't it?

I'm a big time not wanting to ever throw up guy, so I'm going to have to interpret 'best' as 'worst'. We cool?

One time I made a roast pork loin with potatoes and carrots and onions. I used to to this thing where I'd put some sour cream in the gravy, too. That's important if this is a vomit story. Because of the tang.

I don't know what the fuck happened, but I ate too much and later in the evening my body told me it was time to mouth poop. As I performed said mouth poop, it became quickly clear that this was a special one. You see, no liquid was coming up along with the solids. I was regurgitating a thick, cement-like sludge that crawled, inch-by-inch, with each convulsion up and out of my mouth, not unlike Play-doh being pushed through a stencil shaped like a screaming orifice.

It took me a long time to finish, and it traumatized the hell out of me. This was maybe six or eight years ago, and I haven't vomited since. I refuse to. I hold everything in now until it becomes proper butt poop.

Short Answer: This was gross, wasn't it? Sorry...not sorry! Thanks, Demi Lovato! Good one!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Question: Sometimes your posts are super shitty. Why should I keep coming back?

Thanks, Mom.

You shouldn't. If you don't think every single thing I do is the funniest thing you've ever experienced, you should go to the website where that happens.

Oh? There is no website like that? I see. Then maybe you should get stuffed.

I don't think there's a person alive who thinks everything they do is brilliant. And that's because not any of those people are me. Everyone should have doubts. Everyone should understand that they make mistakes, and sometimes they miss. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that.

I guess my point is that you're really in the wrong, here. It's going to be tough to recover. It's a long road back filled with rest stops of not getting poop jokes, and off-ramps of being too sensitive about off-color humor, and roadside markets full of the fruit of occasionally misspelled words that are written to be funny but you think are errors.

I can't say for sure that you'll make it. Plus, it's pretty clear that you're prime material for ending up jobbing as a glory-hole provider at one of the aforementioned metaphorical rest stops. Only your dick in some anonymous strangers (mouth?) hole is going to be as real as the filthy trucker (saliva?) dripping down your ball sack. That's right.

You won't metaphorically be doing sex acts in a bathroom; you'll actually be doing them, is what I'm saying. You'll get so many STDs you'll probably become a super hero. And not metaphorically. A real super hero. Who's itchy a lot.

Short Answer: Sometimes life is shitty, so by creating a shitty post sometimes, I'm nailing it even harder. Like the way those truckers are going to nail your tonsils to the back of your throat.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Question: Will this rug look good in my living room?

No.

You have shitty taste. Let someone else choose your rugs for you. And your merkins, for that matter. Yours is far too greasy.

You're a fat asshole.

Short Answer: Am I even giving advice anymore? Yes!

Monday, November 6, 2017

Question: I always get weird looks on Remembrance Day when I wish people "Happy Remembrance Day". Am I doing something wrong?

This question is hot off the presses! Just arrived while I was looking at my e-mail, so I figured, that's the one, dingus!

Yea, no one says Happy Remembrance Day. That's weird. I've never heard anyone say that. Probably because it's not like a birthday or Thanksgiving or Halloween. It's remembering horrible shit. Sure, to you it might mean honoring the brave men that fought and died, but most people don't like to be faced with that shit. So they can handle putting the poppy on a lapel, but they don't want to get into a 'thing' about it, you know?

Hmmmm. Not a lot of humor to mine here. Even insensitivity to the point of absurdist comedy isn't easy to pull off when it comes to war stuff. (Enter Charlie Chaplin looking disappointed in me.)

At least you've got five days to change everything. Treat it like it's a birthday party. Tell people in advance and plan a gathering. If everyone knows why you're hanging out at the water slides, it might be cool to say Happy Remembrance Day. They might even say it back. And get drunk, 'cause that makes all things - including sloshing around in nineteen percent piss - more bearable!

Short Answer: Every time I see 'remembrance' I think it's spelled wrong. It just doesn't look like a word to me.


Sunday, November 5, 2017

Question: Would you have a great day?

Is this only part of the question? Are you not a native English speaker? Sure there isn't supposed to be an 'if' after that?

I'll go with the interpretation that you'd like me to have a great day. That your well-wishes (all the way from...Norway?) are genuine.

I will try to have a great day. Thanks for thinking of me. Maybe I'll organize an orgy for after lunch. (I'm super quick at organizing orgies. The key is to not care if the participants technically "have homes".)

Short Answer: I don't think I'm atypical in this. If I won a large sum of money: great day. If I lost a ball in a downhill BMX unseating: not so great day.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Question: What do you think of the added jobs this October?

Woah. One second.

You talking Canada?

Right. Okay.

I don't care. If it ain't hand jobs or blow jobs or begrudgingly applied anal jobs, it doesn't really affect me.

I just wrote two different half-paragraphs using my brain, and gave up on them, because I really don't care. I'm not an expert. I can say some stuff that sounds good, but you're better off looking up the opinion of people who do this for a living.

'But Keith. You always have the answer.'

True. But this isn't a question about our bureaucracy, or government, or infrastructure. It's a question about what I think about some recent statistic that only makes sense from a far broader perspective than most people are willing to consider.

There are a lot of people, me included, who could offer up some pretty decent suggestions to help with jobs in our economy. But the system is so corrupt, so full of people lining their pockets, that we aren't the ones who can make these changes. All we can do is seek out genuine politicians (which may be an oxymoron at this point) and elect them, then pray they do smart shit.

But praying doesn't work, because God is dead and you're next.

Short Answer: Jobs!

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Question: Porcupiney coconutty butter, butter, butter squash.

Go directly to the hospital.

If this is an existing thing (song or poem or sea shanty) then I'm glad I don't recognize it. Whatever this is it can fuck off. And you can fuck off right along with it.

Someone in your family didn't love you enough. Your face isn't symmetrical. You could lose/gain a few pounds. Your jokes aren't very funny, and when people laugh at them, they're mostly laughing at you.

Also, this isn't a question, so you're a stupid asshole, too.

Short Answer: Do you guys ever get the impression that some days I'm not in the mood to deal with this shit? No? Cooooooooooooool.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Question: How was your Halloween?

Good. I went out for a bit with my friend's kids, saw a bunch of superhero costumes. Got to wear my cowboy hat for the one time a year I can pretend to be a cowboy without ridicule. Then I came home and my wife and I watched Night of the Demons and saw some 80's horror movie titties.

She went to bed and I watched The Sixth Sense (which I still do not care for) and The Cabin in the Woods (which is quite nice).

Then I dressed up in my pillow sack mask and an old suit and went out looking for loose women to murder.

Short Answer: A great Halloween.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Question: Horror movie tagline list?

Simpsons did it! I mean, I already did it. It was six years ago, but I doubt the list would've changed much. Most of the best taglines are from older films.

There's an unnecessary preamble before the list, so I'll just copy and paste rather than place the link. (You can find it if you use the search on the main page, if you're so inclined.)

30) May (2002) Be careful...she just might take your heart.
29) Suspiria (1977) The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92.
28) Suicide Club (2001) Well then, goodbye everyone.
27) The Demon Lover (1977) At last! The truth about demons!
26) Shatter Dead (1994) God Hates You!
25) What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) Sister, sister, oh so fair, why is there blood all over your hair?
24) Hatchet (2006) Old School American Horror.
23) Near Dark (1987) Pray for daylight.
22) Demons (1985) They will make cemeteries their cathedrals and the cities will be your tombs.
21) Seven (1995) Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.
20) Strange Behavior (1981) Cuts up parts other movies just dislocate.
19) Halloween (1978) The Night He Came Home!
18) The Fly (1986) Be afraid. Be very afraid.
17) Sleepy Hollow (1999) Heads Will Roll.
16) From Beyond (1986) Humans are such easy prey.
15) Snuff (1976) A film that could only be made in South America, where Life is CHEAP!
14) Re-Animator (1985) Herbert West has a very good head on his shoulders...and another one in a dish on his desk.
13) Saw 2 (2005) Oh, yes. There will be blood.
12) Funny Games U.S. (2007) You Must Admit. You Brought This On Yourself.
11) Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) A frenzied hunt for a hideous beast uncovers an evil cannibal cult and death is the devil's blessing.
10) Pet Sematary (1989) Sometimes dead is better.
9) Jaws 2 (1978) Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
8) Night of the Creeps (1986) The good news is your dates are here. The bad news is...they're dead!
7) Last House on the Left (1972) To avoid fainting, keep repeating 'It's only a movie...It's only a movie...'
6) The Lost Boys (1987) Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire.
5) Blood Beach (1980) Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water - you can't get to it!
4) Freaks (1932) Can a full grown woman truly love a MIDGET?
3) The Thing (1982) Man is the warmest place to hide.
2) Alien (1979) In space no one can hear you scream.
1) Dawn of the Dead (1978) When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.

Short Answer: Okay, so I went looking to find a modern horror movie that has a sweet tagline and I failed miserably. Invention has disappeared, for fear anything overly creative will turn people off. The best I could find were a series of poster taglines for the film 'The Cabin in the Woods' that made light of horror tropes. Two examples are: 'If You Hear a Strange Sound Outside...Have Sex' & 'If an Old Man Warns You Not to Go There...Make Fun of Him'. Pretty solid stuff.
er: 

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Question: Have you watched any horror movies yet this year? What's the best so far?

I'm going to interpret 'yet this year' as relating to the particular season of Fall/Halloween, because to go back through everything I've watched since January...actually, you know what? Fuck it. I will go back to the beginning of the year.

Here's a list of the horror movies I've watched so far in 2017.

(W) = Watch It! (D) = Don't Fucking Watch It!

Horns (D)
The Neon Demon (W)
The Shallows (W)
After.Life (D)
The Conjuring 2 (W)
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (W)
Lights Out (D)
Lazarus Project (D)
The Gift (W)
Hush (W)
From Beyond (W)
Under the Skin (W)
Night of the Creeps (W)
Slither (W)
End of Days (D)
Split (W)
Don't Breathe (D)
Re-Animator (W)
In the Mouth of Madness (W)
House of 1000 Corpses (W)
I Saw the Devil (W)
Fire Walk With Me (W)
Train to Busan (W)
Cooties (W)
The Grudge 2 (W)
They Look Like People (W)
Lords of Salem (W)
Regression (D)
The Rite (D)
Dig Two Graves (D)
Blair Witch (W)
Occulus (W)
Ouija: Origin of Evil (W)
The Wolf Man (D)
Death Note (D)
Tucker & Dale vs Evil (W)
Voice From the Stone (W)
Personal Shopper (W)
It (W)
Mother! (W)
The Other Side of the Door (W)
The Bye Bye Man (D)
Life (D)
Sadako vs Kayoko (W)
The Final Girls (D)
The Tall Man (W)
Knock Knock (W)
31 (D)
Goodnight Mommy (W)
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (W)
Black Swan (W)
Prince of Darkness (W)
Pulse (W)
The Lost Boys (W)
The Exorcist (W)
Rings (D)
Gerald's Game (W)
Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter (W)
Honeymoon (W)

What's that? 59? That's a smaller percentage of overall film watching than I expected. It's good to keep these metrics. I'd felt like I was watching less horror over the last few years. This is proof.

So the best horror movie I've watched this year is by default The Exorcist, which I think is the greatest horror movie of all time.

I know the worst one I watched this year was The Bye Bye Man. That was total garbage.

Here's an idea, I'll go back and put a (W) or a (D) after each movie, to signify that you should Watch It! or Don't Fucking Watch It! I don't normally like being so thumbs up/thumbs down about things, but I can't remember each one well enough to give a proper ten star review.

Huh. Mostly watches. Good to know.

Short Answer: Feel free to ask follow-up questions in the comments, and I'll give you a bit of a rundown on specific films.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Question: Help me pooooooohhhhh!

Love it.

So, what? You can't just do a frowny face and make a poop come out?

That's sad.

Here's the real advice. Don't force it, man! Never, ever, ever force a friggin' poop. Not only can it cause all kinds of problems, it can cause the worst kind of problem.

Let me tell you a little story about the time I got an anal fissure.

I'm a classic poop strainer (gross) from way back. I had my first fist of hemorrhoids when I was eighteen years old, and have been chronically sitting on a bag of marbles ever since. But one day, I done made a tear in my butthole.

This really teaches you not to strain when you poop, because you know that the turds are travelling past an open wound that's begging - like a whispering lover - to be split apart by the passage.

Imagine, if you well, a steaming train going at full speed, approaching a tunnel through the mountains. Only, the tunnel is soft skin, and the train is way bigger than the aperture.

It takes months and months for an anal fissure to heal. You have to eat tonnes of fiber, drink loads of water, take milk of magnesia on a daily basis, and rub medicated lotion around your anus to keep the sphincter loose.

You don't want that. Feeling a little brown baby in your tummy for a little longer than you'd like to ain't worth the damage.

Once more with feeling to get the point across. When you bear down on a poo, you might rip your anus asunder with the sheer force of your clenching. Not unlike when a woman tears her taint during childbirth. Get it?

Short Answer: Sorry that happens to you, ladies. Maybe the anal fissure is the only real window into how bad child birth is. That would explain my increased estrogen levels better than 'that I'm a faggot' like that guy outside the bar said.

Note: By the way, if you love having men's penises/women's fingers in your bum - which I do - an anal fissure puts a stop to that right quick. Keep that in mind next time you're near the toilet with mal-intent.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Question: With All Saints' Day just around the corner, can you come up with some names for rejected Saints and what they were the Saint of?

Sweet Georgia Brown!

Saint Carl, Patron Saint of supply closet masturbating janitors.
Saint Olaf, Patron Saint of the sound you make when kicked in the lower abdomen.
Saint Petunia, Patron Saint of ladies who've grown too old to realize how much perfume they put on.
Saint Gary, Patron Saint of semen breath.
Saint Wanda, Patron Saint of endangered names.
Saint Aloysius, Patron Saint of sweeping gestures.
Saint Maude, Patron Saint of grocery store cereal aisle paralysis.
Saint Evander, Patron Saint of what jacket to wear.
Saint Blythe, Patron Saint of stretch marks.
Saint Callum, Patron Saint of rare douchey behavior by pretty decent fellas.
Saint Dewey, Patron Saint of looking like a mongoloid.
Saint Crispin, Patron Saint of reaching for things.
Saint Louise, Patron Saint of drawn-on eyebrows.
Saint Caliban, Patron Saint of dickhole stinging.
Saint Fred, Patron Saint of peanut butter allergies.
Saint Florence, Patron Saint of people who hate their boss.
Saint Burt, Patron Saint of reedy mustaches.
Saint Ophelia, Patron Saint of inner thigh friction.
Saint Brody, Patron Saint of going big or going home.
Saint Alexis, Patron Saint of bad breast augmentation.
Saint Charlotte, Patron Saint of having to sneeze, then not having to sneeze.
Saint Zachariah, Patron Saint of living up to your father's expectations.
Saint Gertrude, Patron Saint of hedging your bets when it comes to belief in the divine.
Saint Harold, Patron Saint of pissing on yourself.
Saint Marv, Patron Saint of pins and needles from sitting too long on the toilet.
Saint Chuck, Patron Saint of swallowing a sudden upchuck.
Saint Henry, Patron Saint of going to extremes to get laid.
Saint Melissa, Patron Saint of having a fat ass.
Saint Jeremiah, Patron Saint of smelling your fingers.
Saint Darryl, Patron Saint of squinting indoors.
Saint Phyllis, Patron Saint of skin tags.
Saint Barry, Patron Saint of bro-ing down.
Saint Josh, Patron Saint of sharing a fart.
Saint Candace, Patron Saint of episiotomy scars.
Saint Bruce, Patron Saint of sweet fucking guitar solos.

Short Answer: Gotta stop, right?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Question: What are your thoughts on the "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holidays" thing?

Note to Keith: When you say things like 'no more Christmas questions until after Halloween' make sure to check there isn't one coming in your queue the next day.

I've already dealt with this:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/12/question-holidays-are-quickly.html

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/12/question-why-arent-we-allowed-to-say.html

In a rather vitriolic way, it seems. Have I softened in my old age?

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/12/question-does-celebration-of-christmas.html

That one may be a bit more diplomatic. Same sentiment, though, for the most part.

Could I be evolving?

Let's see.

I get the 'Happy Holidays' thing from a corporate perspective, as they want to include everyone. If you're in business, it makes no sense to ever take a side. But my opinion of people who get offended by 'Merry Christmas' because Christianity isn't their religion remains the same. Chill the fuck out, dude. Blame Coke, human desire for tradition and nostalgia, and the fact I got a Nintendo for Christmas when I was a kid. But don't take it out on me because the words I say mean something to you that they don't mean to me. That's projection. If I come to your door to sell you on Jesus, then you can have a problem. If I happen to mention Jesus in an old song, take a breath before you get the soapbox ready.

When someone says Merry Christmas to you, it's all the good things. It's rarely, "Believe in my God, pagan!" When a human is expressing emotion that represents the best we're capable of, maybe point your judgmental attentions elsewhere. Toward bad behavior, perhaps. Once you've finished building houses, feeding the poor and volunteering at the women's shelter, then give me a talking to about how my good intentions make you feel icky.

(And if you are in the minority of people who are trying to spread a belief of Christ through the phrase, 'Merry Christmas', carry on. I can't tell. Better than knocking on my door at dinner time, if ya ask me.)

Short Answer: Now, please, no more Christmas. It's like you're all playing a dirty joke on me.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Question: How early can I put Christmas lights up and when should I take them down after Christmas?

What do I look like, the rules machine? You just put a quarter in and I spit out rules? I'm not about rules, man. Do what you want.

Having said that, disregarding Halloween by putting up Christmas decorations before October 31 is a dick move. Wait until November so the pagans can have their October fun.

I historically put up my lights late, and leave them up for a long time, because I want Christmas to last. Also, there's nothing else to celebrate until February 14th, and that holiday is shit, because it's about loneliness and wasting money. And don't tell me it's about love. If you only share your love/get laid one day a year, I have a rule for you.

Kill yourself.

Short Answer: Now, no more fucking Christmas questions until after Halloween you fuckers!

Monday, October 23, 2017

Question: Is college tuition too high?

First off, I fixed your grammatical error. You had written 'to' instead of 'too', so for you, no price is too high. Get to educating yourself stat.

For the rest of the mongrels, fuck yeah it's too high. You can learn all that shit on your own. Only 'The Man' says you have to have a piece of paper to get good jobs. But remember that guy has also made everything trickle upwards into his filthy, greedy, sport-coat pockets.

I've never understood the college model from the student's perspective. For it to make any sense, students would have to focus on one of the few degrees that lead to large-paying jobs, ones that would help pay off those large debts. But most don't go for those areas. We've all been brain-washed to think college is a necessity, but somehow, once there you can study whatever you want.

Nope.

Good luck paying off those student loans with a medieval composition appreciation degree. And sadly, good luck paying them off in most sciences, or social service fields, or history, or philosophy or art.

I almost went to college. I bailed right before my first class. I like to pretend, in retrospect, that I was making that choice based on what I've just discussed, a sense that the whole paradigm was unfairly tilted toward the people who make money from tuition. But really, I was a brain-washed kid, barely formed as a person, who had a lucky, spider sense-like inkling that this wasn't the right way to go.

Living without debt is a pretty solid choice, and yet, if I wanted to leap into the work force at a level appropriate to my intelligence and skill-set, I wouldn't have that piece of paper. So, for some, that piece of paper is important. For some, the investment, however insane, is worth the peace of mind.

(The piece of paper, peace of mind method? The Piece-Peace route?)

Which group are you in? That's a tough one. We're not fully formed until our mid-twenties, brain wise, so this sort of decision shouldn't be left in the hands of the young. And yet, having the generation above us tell us that we have to go, and trusting their supposed wisdom, puts a whole lot of kids in crippling debt for the rest of their lives. So let me remind you, that generation that's dropping all that wisdom has credit card debt enough to break an economy's back. That's the generation that helped create this imbalance. When they grew up, you didn't need two members of a household working full time just to get by. Take their advice with a grain of economic reality salt.

Short Answer: The answer is trades work. Shorter college stays, less investment, applicable skills in the world that immediately provide well-paying jobs. If you're worried about investing in a philosophy degree, read a few philosophy books on the side as you learn how to weld. You can always go to school for that philosophy degree later once you've banked some sweet metalwork coin.




Sunday, October 22, 2017

Question: If you made a tape of yourself masturbating, what would you call it?

The Strangler
Church, Steeple, All the Penis
The Face I Make
Accidental Farts
All Hands on Dick
Cock Magic
Snake and the Fatman
Pale Where It's Weird
A Joyless Minute
Physical Guilt
Seminiferous!
How to Bake Anus
A Toni Braxton Tribute
Ski-Poling For One
Diddy Diddy Nom Nom
Raincoat Sally and the Longtimes
Counter Lube
Manshaming
The Time We Partially Shaved a Horny Bear
The Combined Sexual Auras of Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck
One Long Ball, Two Angry Faces
Vacuum Fucker
Opening an Umbrella Indoors
Debbie Does Nothing But Cleanup
Skyping with the In-Laws
The Carousel of Dreams
Pickle Scratcher
The Toyboat
Friction Burns and Heady One-Liners
How To Make A Squeezling
Far From Pants
Look Away! Now Look Me in the Eyes!
Meatloaf for the Soul
The Day I Tried to Skin a Weasel With Sexual Intent
Spermy Dickens Esquire
Railing On Yourself w/Keith
Porgy and Bess and Ruined Electronics
The Horn of Plenty
The Demon's Brew
Cackling Until Uncomfortable

Short Answer: That Was a lot Longer Than Expected



Saturday, October 21, 2017

Question: Are a joke robot?

I fucking love this question. I don't even know why. Let's examine.

The fact you think I was programmed for jokes makes me feel my life's work is valid. I haven't been wasting my time. This is what I was meant to do.

Though I suppose you could mean that my jokes are simple and baseline, but that wouldn't be so accurate these days. Robots are growing more and more sophisticated, you human asshole.

Where were we?

I'm consistently hilarious.

Now, to the question. I've seen some of my inside parts, and they are not robot parts. I can especially vouch for the first six to eight inches of my rectum. Flesh all the way up, brother.

I suppose my brain could be a robot's brain. I've never been in there. Once I saw a blinking wire in my ear-hole, but that was probably nothing.

Short Answer: Yes. With a human anus.

Note: Jesus, I forgot to mention that you either left the 'you' out of this, or are trying to sound like some sort of broken human/robot/cyborg/android type thingy. I don't know if it was a choice or not, but it made the whole thing even better.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Question: Do you have a "me too" story?

Me too? What's this about? Let me just do a little research...shhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttt.

Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to get my opinion on this? I literally think everything is funny. I married a woman whose hashtag should be 'too soon'  because she's so callous with her immediate and biting humour. I don't like punk music, therefore I'm not a fan of the band Nomeansno. That might not be relevant.

Jokes!

(See? Don't come to your comedy guy for sympathy. I am capable, in theory, but you can see that I'm not the best source, right? Right? I talk about poop a lot, is what I'm saying. Poop.)

So apparently 'me too' is a movement that started about ten years ago, and has now become a popular trend on social media. I try to avoid participating in popular trends on social media. I didn't plank, do the ice bucket challenge or make mouth love to an ear of corn. I skipped it all.

(The ear of corn thing might not have been on social media. It might have been at the Front Room Husker Face Festival in central my own house. No biggie.)

I do have one thing to say, and it's kind of serious, so bail now if you don't want to be triggered. I'll try to come back with something about poop afterward, for my regular viewers.

I noticed in this popularized paragraph floating around - I think it's the one that people are re-posting most often - that the concepts of sexual harassment and sexual assault are being conflated. That seems odd and counter-intuitive to me. Both things are bad, but on very different scales, both morally and criminally.

For example, you ask if I have a 'me too' story? The answer is, I don't know.

I have been sexually harassed. I have also, most likely, and based on the common definitions, sexually harassed someone else. I don't remember when, and it might not have been on purpose, but I can easily admit having been a selfish asshole at various points in my life.

I have not, however, been sexually assaulted, and I have never sexually assaulted anyone.

Therefore, I feel like I'm kinda part of this, and kinda not. I know we can't always control how these movements expand, and I believe that the most important part of this is sympathy for the victims, but I feel like when these causes arise, we should make sure we know what the issue is, and following that logic, who the real enemy is. We accomplish nothing by equating nasty behavior that hurts feelings, with criminal behavior that ruins lives.

That statement can also be applied more generally, if you're at all interested in healing the world.

Short Answer: Not only is my wife hilarious and unapologetic in her humour, she also sometimes has trouble pooping all her poop and then she gets sad.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Question: Is "The Nightmare Before Christmas" a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie?

You're not going to like this.

I don't like that movie very much.

Nah. That's pulling my punches.

I don't like it at all. I don't have major problems with it, so I'll just answer in relation to your question.

This movie, to me, is neither a Halloween movie nor a Christmas movie. I've considered this exact question before, and considered it again today.

To me, a Halloween movie is a horror movie. I don't watch Halloween themed movies. I don't even know what that fucking means. I watch horror movies. Therefore, this is not a Halloween movie, no matter how many fucking pumpkin people are in it.

As a Christmas film, it doesn't work for me at all. There's too much weird shit going on - Halloween shit, for example - and I don't get that sense of nostalgia that most great Christmas movies are laced with. Also, because it's stop-motion, I don't connect as easily with the characters on any emotional level, which is big time necessary for a Christmas movie. (I think it might be because the characters are made of clay, and they look nothing like people. This is a bit of a personal thing. Certain representations of people in animated films also make it hard for me to give a shit. For example, I think Pixar's Inside Out sucks a light afternoon buffet of dicks.)

So, without saying anything overly damning about story or structure, I just think this movie is a boring mess of shit. I only like one song, I think the villain is lame, and I don't give a shit who wins or what happens. In fact, though I've slogged through this twice, I don't even remember what happens in the end. I don't know what's supposed to. Christween?

Short Answer: I'm fully aware I'm in the minority on this one. What must it feel like to be so wrong about something within such a large group of other assholes? Just kidding. I really don't have a technical issue with the film. I can't make a case that it's bad. It's not for me, is all. I'll stick to Black Christmas, if that's cool.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Question: Would you like to do something in honor of Gord Downie's passing? Best Hip songs, maybe best Canadian bands?

A couple of things.

Sucks Gord Downie is dead. He was a ribald poet.

Also, wouldn't it be funny if I A) Said no, I don't want to do something in honor of Gord Downie, or B) Made a Top Ten Best Canadian Bands list that the Tragically Hip didn't appear on.

It's funny after all these years that people are so polite. You could pretty much make me do anything within reason by just demanding it. Maybe that's my Canadian audience.

So, Gord Downie of the Tragically Hip...let's do both lists.

Top Ten Tragically Hip Songs

10) 38 Years Old
9) Blow at High Dough
8) Wheat Kings
7) Twist My Arm
6) Little Bones
5) Long Time Running
4) Grace, Too
3) Boots or Hearts
2) Courage
1) Ahead by a Century

Top Twenty-Five Canadian Bands

25) Steppenwolf
24) Broken Social Scene
23) Honeymoon Suite
22) Triumph
21) Neverending White Lights
20) Trooper
19) Our Lady Peace
18) Loverboy
17) Arcade Fire
16) The Northern Pikes
15) Glass Tiger
14) Platinum Blonde
13) Bachman-Turner Overdrive
12) The Tea Party
11) Skydiggers
10) April Wine
9) The Band
8) Rheostatics
7) The Guess Who
6) Sloan
5) The Grapes of Wrath
4) Barenaked Ladies
3) Blue Rodeo
2) Rush
1) The Tragically Hip

Short Answer: I think a Canadian list of solo artists would stand against anyone's in the world. Anywho, later Mr. Downie. Good job with the words.


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Question: You should use more onomatopoeia. I don't think you use very much, do you?

You spelled onomatopoeia wrong. (Actually, you didn't. But that's mean to make someone who went to the trouble to spell it right feel stupid. Mean in the funny way. Like a ball-slap to the chin.)

I would agree that I don't use much o' the 'poeia. I don't agree that I should use more, because you're a poor speller with a chin that smells like balls.

Here's a post from the past:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/10/question-what-are-your-top-five-or-ten.html

That'll give you your fix.

Short Answer: If you don't think I use enough, but you're not sure, that indicates that you haven't read much of my blog. Which means you couldn't possibly be qualified to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. You, however, should call your mom. I'll make her answer so you can hear me nailing her right in the plopper.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Question: Monkey nuts or monkey butts?

For eating...nuts.
For smelling...butts.
For making necklaces...nuts.
For making friends...butts.
For helping to control the monkey population...nuts.
For cleaning up after a Monkey brand cigarettes smoking party...butts.
For putting in squirrel cheeks...nuts.
For interrupting simian conversation...buts.
For calling out a clumsy-ass monkey...klutz.
For naming monkey pharaohs...tuts.
For assessing where all the extra strokes came from in a poorly played monkey golf outing...putts.
For monkey figure skating...triple lutz.

Short Answer: Monkeys are funny.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Question: Why don't you have a gun problem in Canada?

Because once you have cutlery control laws in place, it's hard to escalate.

Is that funny?

Lemme try again. In Canada, we're so peace loving that we have cutlery control instead of gun control.

Nope?

In Canada, we don't need gun control. We man up and kill each other with sporks!

I give up.

Fuck this gun stuff, man. It doesn't even need to be discussed. It's absurd how many people in America actually agree that something should be done. It's a tiny, greedy, loud-as-fuck minority that's fucking things up for everyone, and I won't be giving them any airtime.

The compassionate masses need to get their heads out of their asses and handle this shit. Maybe elect a few people who'll actually do something about the gun culture.

Or maybe they can't, 'cause the system is a broken loop of corruption and power-mongering and thievery.

Short Answer: Did you come here for jokes? Well you're in luck!

Note: The most accurate answer to this question might be that we simply don't have enough people to have a gun problem. Surely the culture is different, but there may be a critical mass element to how many guns are needed to 'start a problem'. In America, there's pretty much a gun for every person, in Canada, we have only a third as many. Take into account the difference in populations, and you've got a very different dynamic.

Personal Note: My answer to all this is: don't shoot people. But that doesn't seem to work at all. People just love shooting people. They fucking love it. So maybe, just maybe, if when you reached for your gun you got a fistful of letter opener instead, we might have less of an issue.

Canadiana Note: Letter openers are considered 'cutlery' in Canada.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Question: If you were visited by an alien, what would be the first thing you'd say?

Top Ten Things I'd Say to an Alien Visitor

10) "Sorry about the mess."
9) "On planet earth, humans probe you."
8) "Nice work on the X-Files."
7) "Coffee or tea or...people?"
6) "The whole Jesus Juice thing, that was just one of us."
5) "So...how many species have you killed?"
4) "Nice hat."
3) "Should I hug you or pet you like a dog? That's a dog. This is petting. Is that a ray gun?"
2) "No, no, no, Trump is a joke. If you want to be taken to our leader he's a guy named Elon."
1) "Get me the fuck out of here."

Top Ten Things They'd Say Back

10) "That's cool. Our spaceship looks like the garbage fire on planet Urbst took a shit in it."
9) "Good joke. Now bend the fuck over."
8) "I know, right? We were out there!"
7) "Good joke. Now get in the microwave."
6) "We don't think he touched those kids. You know, because Thriller's so good."
5) "Today?"
4) "Nice tits."
3) "What's a dog? Oh. Hey! Back the fuck up, long pig!"
2) "Elon? That's hilarious! My brother in-law is named Elon. Elon Forgortlabargadool.
1) "Sorry, dude. We can't. We took a dinosaur once and he was a real pain in the ass. Always asking for more towels at the space hotel."

Short Answer: Don't look too hard at the 'towels for the dinosaur' joke. It wasn't a reference to being covered in tar from the tar pits or anything smart like that. I just thought the image of a dinosaur peeking out to ask for - yet again- more fresh towels was funny.

Note: "Also, is the ice machine on this floor working? It makes a funny noise and then coughs out, like, a few cubes. Is that the way they're designed here?"

Double Note: Alternate Number 2 joke: If you want to be taken to our leader, he's a guy named 'The Rock'.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Question: Haberdashery or Gobbledygook?

Haberdashery means: the goods and services sold by a haberdasher.

Gobbledygook means: silly words that aren't real.

So what the fuck do these things have to do with each other? Did you just pick two words that you didn't know the meanings of? That seems likely, on account of one of the words meaning 'nonsense words' and the other word sounding like a nonsense word.

Somehow, you thought this was funny. I believe the phrase goes a little sumpin' like this:

Stick to your fucking day job.

The only way this would be okay (and this is possible due to the capital 'G') is if these were somehow two proper nouns, like the names of bands. If that's the case, my apologies. Otherwise, eat a box of old poos, dingus.

Short Answer: We both know that these aren't bands. We both know that you're destined - if not today, someday - to eat a box of old poos.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Question: Could you suggest some good fall music and for bonus points Halloween music?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Fall music. Like, Humpty Dumpty?

(laughter)

See what I did there? Because he had a great fall? Holy fuck! Is this what genius feels like?

(yes)

Okay!

I find Feist to be quite autumnal. Also, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Something about mellow rock tunes with a great female vocalist. That's how fall makes me feel, man.

(groovy)

Also Bowie's Station to Station or Low, the White Duke stuff, matches up with my fall feelings.

Now...what the fuck is Halloween music? You mean, like, Monster Mash?

Here are a couple of old posts dealing with scary music:

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2011/04/question-horror-movies-are-great-so-are.html

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/02/question-youve-blogged-lot-about-scary.html

Good luck, fuckers!

Short Answer: I wish Humpty Dumpty on you! (Have a great fall! Holy shit! That's amazing! I love myself! Wait, wait is this the pride before the...fall?)

Note: (uproarious laughter)

...

Double Personal Note: (This has nothing to do with the above question. Just asking a favor.) Check out my friend's travel blog/website: https://www.modernabbess.com/

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Question: Could yo do a new top ten list?

(The 'yo do' made me laugh so I left it in.)

Now I gotta think of a damn...

Okay, here's an idea.

Top Ten Uncomfortable Words to Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

10) Hymen
9) Sexuality
8) Presidential
7) Crabs
6) Lovemaking
5) Mucus
4) Fiance
3) Dingleberry
2) Incest
1) Rimjob

Short Answer: I'm sure you have your own favorites. For example, that bigot at the table says some heinous shit, right? (If you don't know who I'm referring to, that bigot is you!)

Monday, October 9, 2017

Question: Where is my butt?

Next to your jeans?

I don't know why I thought that was funny. But I did. I guess, technically, your butt is either inside your jeans or nowhere near your jeans. I make no apologies.

Do you maybe not have a butt? Because if that's what you're asking, butt implants are not the answer. Exercise is the answer. Do butt things and make your butt bigger. You'd be surprised what a little muscle mass can do to a tush.

If you've actually lost your butt somewhere, I hate to say it, but it's always in the last place you look. I'd check my jeans.

Short Answer: Is it possibly wrapped around the penis of your latest john? Get it? You're a hooker.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Question: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. But, ya know, the other kind of bear.

Is this just a tweet that you sent me? It's not a question. Also, it's clear you're trying to be funny. So maybe you should ask this non-question on a blog that needs funny questions, because the person doing the answering is boring and dumb.

What do you want me to do with this? Validate it? Sure, Fuzzy Wuzzy was gay. FW loved the cock. Bitch had his brown belt, dug into the honey pot, liked the Hershey highway, did fellas.

Look what we've accomplished!

Short Answer: Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't gay, was he?

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Question: Raindrops keep falling on my head?

Ah, the song lyric culprit.

I've decide - as I think I previously mentioned - that all song lyrics questions are from the same person. I've also decided that person is four feet tall, hairy, about three-hundred and twenty pounds with beautifully oversized, hanging dugs and a wee penis.

So I guess if you ask a song lyrics questions, be aware that's what I think of you.

Now, to the point.

This isn't a question.

Short Answer: Get a hat, nerd.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Question: Which is better so far? Star Trek: Discovery or The Orville?

I suppose I could do the intelligent thing and wait until I've seen a few more episode...but I won't.

I've seen two episodes of each. Right now, I like The Orville better. I love Seth Macfarlane's comedy, and I think the show has a lot of potential. Star Trek: Discovery didn't really do it for me. It didn't at all feel like Star Trek. That's fine, though. Sometimes it takes time. I also had some specific problems with the first few episodes that are apparently handled in the upcoming story, but we'll have to wait and see. I didn't much like the main character. That's a big problem, as the series, unlike Treks of the past, is supposed to be centered around the journey of this one character.

Short Answer: In truth, I haven't liked anything Star Trek in a very long time. Whereas I'm the one who laughed constantly during A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Question: My dog won't stop licking peanut butter off my crotch! What should I do?

Are you truly this far down the rabbit hole that you don't realize your own culpability? If so, do you expect me to answer based solely on the dog's culpability? Were you thinking, cut the dog's tongue out? Or hang it from the porch until dead? Get a different dog with a peanut allergy? Try fucking it instead?

I'm just going to go out on a paw here and assume the dog isn't surprising you in the middle of the night, waking you while painting your crotch up with peanut better he's somehow opposable-thumbed from the jar.

Stop putting peanut butter on your crotch. There are other ways to A) Get your wang licked and B) Give your dog a treat.

Short Answer: People like peanut butter, too. And penis butter. And...nope, nope, penis butter is the end of this.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Question: Do you listen to many podcasts?

Funny you should ask!

Or not funny. Not like, ha-ha, that guy masturbated with glue and now he's stuck, funny. Or, I'm in a band named Shitpocket, funny. But funny in that accepted, un-entertaining way, like when an acquaintance tells you a joke, and you go, "That's funny" but you're not at all laughing at all.

(If this is for some reason the first time you've read my blog, let me explain that in the above sentence where I wrote 'at all' twice, that shit's on purpose. Because it's funny. If you don't get it, you're probably the kind of person who people say, "That's funny" to a lot, because you suck.)

I got into audio books a few years back, and that led me down the technology road to podcasts, and I've been eating those up this year. Just now, in the last month or so, I've been finding a better balance between book-listening and podcast-learning, as the novelty of podcasts had really given it some creativity time steam.

Here are the podcasts I listen to on the regular, meaning, almost every episode:

The Joe Rogan Experience
Norm Macdonald Live
Lore
The Weekly Planet
Freakonomics Radio
Waking Up w/Sam Harris

And here's a few I dabble in:

You Made it Weird w/ Pete Holmes
Smodcast
The Bill Simmons Podcast
The Nerdist
Real Time With Bill Maher
How Did This Get Made?
Under the Influence

Short Answer: I started doing a neat/odd thing, where I read two audio books at once. Somehow, having multiple books on the go tricks my brain into letting the books into the same excited momentum-stream as the podcasts. Does that make sense? Shut-up! You're not my real dad!




Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Question: I hear you have an annual horror movie marathon. What movies will you be watching this year?

I do. Been doing it since I was young. I think I've spoken about it on blog before, so I won't get too detailed.

The modern incarnation is: we go to my friend's house where there's a giant screen. We eat Halloween candy and cheezies and watch five movies, with usually a meatball break and a chili break somewhere in between. Another friend makes a poster for the event, and we have a gay old time.

This year we're watching:

Heaven's Gate
Batman & Robin
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Battlefield Earth
Leonard Part 6

Just kidding. That's a different kind of horror. We're watching:

Ishtar
Catwoman
Troll 2
Glen or Glenda
Glitter

That's the same joke twice. Get it?

Okay, here's the real list.

Black Swan
The Lost Boys
The Exorcist
Pulse (Kairo)
Prince of Darkness

Short Answer: Happy? Now, let's play a game where you have opinions about my choices, and after you state your opinions you sense me looking you directly in the eyes, and you hear me say, "Nope." It sounds like a complete dismissal of your point of view, and possibly your entire person. It is.