Thursday, August 17, 2017

Question: What's the appropriate response when you enter the single washroom at work and find poop in the bowl?

Here's a neat thing.

When I read this, I pictured a crystal bowl full of hard candy, in like a station in your bathroom, near where the towels and possibly the bathroom attendant chair is. As crazy as that may seem to you, it ain't as crazy as me picturing you walking into said bathroom, and seeing a perfectly, well-formed tube of feces sitting atop the aforementioned candies.

Now that we've gotten that out of our system, let's address the turd in the toilet bowl, so to speak.

The appropriate response is to flush. (Unless you want to play Layer Cake. But that's messed up. Especially at work. I only play layer cake with my wife.)

In addition, you could also go on an outraged witch hunt. Throw subtlety to the wind and start yelling at everyone you see. "Did you leave a goddamned shit in the toilet? Did you? Did you leave the shit? Was it you, Dana? Fred? A shit? Did you leave it? A shit in the goddamned toilet? Shit?"

Short Answer: Flush. Make a puddin'. Rampage.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Question: Fuckin' trundles.

This definitely isn't a question.

I also can't help but feel that the trundles should get to have their say.

Oh, and...what the fuck is a trundle? See? That's how you ask a question.

Trundle is a verb, is it not? To move slowly, heavily, awkwardly, noisily, unevenly? Are you referring to trundle beds?

Do you sleep on a trundle bed? This is weak. That's akin to sleeping in a drawer. If this is the case, I feel your pain. I was treated like a sock, once, too.

Sock, once, too! Sock, once, too! Sock, once, tooooooooooo!

Short Answer: If you want to sleep in a big boy bed, you can come share my race car.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Question: I'm so sick of your bullshit Keith. Why?

I'm getting a little bored with these types of questions.

Let me nip this in the bud. Look at your mother/a picture of your mother. Now think of her vagina. Now think of my penis going in and out of it. That's why you think you're sick of me. Because I pleasure your mom until she screeches like a steam shovel.

But you're not really tired of my bullshit. You're just not diversifying your entertainment enough. Maybe read some blogs written by people who don't fill out your mothers and sisters like a second mortgage application. Then when you come back to me - like your whole family always does, but for dick - you'll find me refreshing once more.

Here's a genuine reason you might be sick of my bullshit. I'm authentic as fuck. It's like a hot wind in the face, makes it difficult to breath, makes you realize you're a lying sack of crap. That's hard to take. You know what isn't hard to take according to every girl you've ever had a crush on? My fat peen.

Short Answer: I'm not sick of your bullshit. I like you.

Note: I nailed your grandmother. Yea, the one you like, bitch.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Question: Where did you go on your vacation?

I've been staring at this question for a few days now, trying to come up with an angle. I didn't mean to. I like to read a question for the first time right before I answer it, but once in a while I get screwed by the way my phone organizes e-mail, and if the question is short enough, I see the whole thing.

I'm writing this response today because it's next in the queue. Even though I have nothing funny to say about it. That's the way it goes. Once in a while I'll re-order, hope for inspiration on another day, but not often.

I went to Victoria. That's where I spent my formative years, from about 13 to 21. I have friends there, and it's bittersweet to visit. You see, I only live a ferry ride away, and yet I never take the journey. On this particular visit, this fact became a near atrocity in my mind. I dealt with some regret - not a common thing for me - and some bad feelings about how I live, where I live, and why I choose to stay away.

I guess the moral is I didn't have much of a vacation, not in the typical sense. Yes I relaxed some, yes I swam in a lake, yes I drank a few beers; what I didn't do was get that vacation feeling, that full release of all things stressful in my life. Despite the kindness of friends, I felt a little out of place and couldn't kick the idea that I was bothering the generous people around me. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism against the strange wave of regret, my mind telling me it is okay that I never visit, because I'm a pain in the ass, and people are merely tolerating me.

I tend to play up a certain persona when I'm in Victoria. I know that probably sounds weird for anyone who really knows me, but I've come to realize it's true. Though I've mellowed over the years, in my youth I was brash and offensive to some, annoying to others, and an all around tough guy to handle. I dealt with a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings back then; this was difficult for I never meant any harm. When I go back to Victoria, I step off the ferry and regress, feeling that the most interesting thing about me to these old friends is the way I used to be. This alters my behavior in a few startling ways. I refer to myself in the third person more, I often mention the fact that I'm 'more difficult' or a 'big personality' and I start looking for ways to justify my odd but special behaviors. All this is an effort to not be the thing I fear I still am in their eyes: a loud mouth with no real accomplishments, a clown with no substance, an entertainer without remorse.

All these things are silly. I know that. And yet, they've taken purchase, and in some symbolic sense, staying on this side of the water protects me. I feel I need to get over it, but I don't know how. When one of my old friends treats me the way I used to be treated, a response trapped in the past that I avoid with great effort in my 'new' life, I get unnecessarily hurt. It's like I have this complex about people understanding my true motivations at all times. I want that. I want things to be simple, uninterpretable. I want to be a positive entity.

The truth is, I'm not always that in my current existence. That perception is false. It's a backlash, a response to this odd persona I adopt, that I desire truth and transparency and clearness of motivation in even greater quantities. It's no one's fault, and yet it's entirely my responsibility.

My friends - old and new - would say I think too much and too hard about these sorts of things. They are right. When it manifests in their frustration, when I can tell they're tired of my analysis, it hurts me worse than anything else, because it's a condemnation of my greatest struggle. We're all tired of my shit.

I think, perhaps, your old home town isn't the best place to go on vacation. At least my wife got a week away from me. That was probably important. Working from home, I'm here all the time, and she doesn't get much solitude.

Plus, I'm handsy.

Short Answer: What's the conclusion here? We all need to go easier on ourselves, that's for sure. If we're going to be the stars of our own movies, it would help if we were also our biggest fans. Relaxation has become a big word for me. I wish it wasn't. I wish it was a state of being I could slide into with ease. Maybe if I could just relax a little.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Question: If you were not a writer, than what would you do?

I have to be a writer. Here's why. This sentence makes me very upset.

First part's fine. Then shit goes off the rails.

'Than' is wrong. It's then. Then what would I do.

Here's the second problem. Agreement. It's not the end of the world, but it's the kind of thing that gets programmed into your brain after years of trying to be good at something. 'If you were not a writer, then what would you be?' is far cleaner. Or, conversely, 'If you didn't write, then what would you do?'

If you don't get it, fine. Feel free to chalk it up to me being a curmudgeon, and continue to enjoy and participate in my blog. If you did get it, feel shame. I'll assume my hacking away at your attempt will send you to other, lesser blogs, with far nicer folks at the helm.

I make mistakes, too, but the premise here is that I have to answer your questions.(That means your question works as a headline for my blog post, painting me in a particular, ungrammatical light.) Sometimes, I'll edit tiny mistakes, but this? This got me twice, felt like a weird poop, and - as a triple whammy - didn't inspire me content-wise. What I mean by that is, I'm not excited about answering what I'd do if I wasn't a writer, because that's the opposite of achieving my dreams. Being forced to give this up to do something else is my nightmare.

So the answer is die in a gutter alone. Or fake a pregnancy. I might try some murders?

I guess the real answer is another kind of writing, because it's the only skill I have that I could monetize above minimum wage, but then I'd still be a writer, and that would be me failing at answering. If you don't understand that see 'you failing at questioning'. It's above.

Short Answer: My back hurts. That means I can't do much in the way of menial labor. So I'd have to use my brain, and that would totally suck. If I was in a cubicle I'd burst into snakes. (That's not a typo. I would burst into a dozen or more snakes and slither off into the crevices of the building.)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Question: Any advice for an aspiring writer?

Run! Run as fast as you can! Find overalls and a broom! Borrow money for trade school! Make a halfway decent LinkedIn profile! Learn to knit! Anything! Anything other than this! Fucking run!

Now that I've got that out of my system...

Don't be shitty is a good place to start. This is accomplished by straight up not being shitty. Here's how you figure this out. Can you write good? Did you realize that should have been 'can you write well?' You're shitty.

No, no, no, but seriously...

Writing for most people is super fucking hard. So you're likely shitty. Give up. Maybe even run.

Have we got that our of our system? Do you want the real skinny?

It's not that hard. Just do it. If you suck, you'll get better. Here are some tips that can help you get started.

1. Finish things. Don't start shit and not finish shit. That's dumb. You have to learn how to finish.

2. Once finished, get opinions. It would be nice to know in what way you're shitty. That's how you learn. Make sure to take it that way as best you can. Of course it sucks when someone thinks you're shitty, but just accept that's going to happen. A lot. If one out of a thousand people like what you do, you'll be rich and famous.

3. Fill your head with things you need. Obviously, you have to be a reader to be a writer, but you can also read books that specifically help you write. You need a style guide, first of all, (The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is the de facto best option) and probably a book like Stephen King's On Writing to get some honest perspective.

4. Create good habits. Writing is work. Hard work. Get ready to institute some gnarly structure in your life. It's very difficult and extremely rare for writers to write 'whenever they want' or 'whenever inspiration strikes' or 'whenever the muse arrives'. Toss the 'whenevers', sit the fuck down, and write.

5. Set realistic goals. And I do mean realistic. If you try to write two thousand words a day (like Stephen King) you may find yourself weeping in the corner after six days of definitive failure. I suggest a grace period of a few weeks wherein you discover what you can comfortably accomplish. If that's sixteen words a day, so be it. Lock that habit it, then grow from there. Also, do a little math. If you write say, a conservative five hundred words a day, you'll have a book in no time. Which leads me to...

6. Take baby steps. There's a lot to learn, some of which is almost impossible to describe. How do you cast aspersion on a character? Right? So here's the trick. Take it slow and steady. You are the tortoise, with glasses on and a will to share your creativity. If you want to write a novel, the shortest length acceptable is about 60,000 words. At five hundred words a day, that's only four months. Not bad, tortoise. Not bad.

7. Do you. This rule pretty much contradicts most of what I just said. You have to be you. After all, unless you're writing a technical manual for vacuum cleaners, this is art. Embrace that! Make it a capital word. Art! You are now an artist and you have to let the inner beast out to roam free. This is going to be different for every person, but here's the way I do it, to give you at least one example.

Me: I write linear, no jumping around. I write characters first, and they tell me the story. I don't shy away from things because they might not be 'marketable'. I always make the scarier choice. I accept that I can be considered niche. I understand that rejection is commonplace and doesn't mean I suck. Some days I think I suck anyway and I allow it to motivate me to get better.

(Also, some days I'm in the corner with you, crying and eating worms because nobody loves me. That's okay, too.)

8. Don't try to show off. You probably have some skills, or you wouldn't be considering this pursuit. You don't need to prove to people that you're good. You're a storyteller, not Mark Twain (or whoever your Mark Twain is). Tell the story. Use the words that help tell the story. You don't need to impress people with the way you write, not yet. You'll develop your own Voice through repetition. It will come, you can't force it. And here's a bonus tip: Ignore the old adage 'write what you know'. That's great for some genres, but you have to trust yourself as a creative. I've never been to Saturn, but I can write the shit out of a story that's set there.

9. You will suck. Man, you're going to be so shitty at first. Here's the thing, though: you won't even know. You'll fear it, and others may say it, but you won't know how shitty you are now until years later. But that's cool, 'cause that's how life works. You're always learning. It's a good thing that in five years you'll see the garbage you used to produce. That's how you'll get good enough in the long term. In the short, let out the beast, edit with as much brutality as you can muster, and gather a few trusted readers to help you out. In no time you'll be 'not shitty'.

Short Answer: Huh. I had some things to say about this. Cool. Maybe I'm not shitty, now.

Note: Also, on the whole 'write what you know front', you can pretty much learn anything in ten minutes on the internet, so go for it. You don't have to do days of study anymore. I often stop in the middle of what I'm doing, go online, and learn the name for that thing. It works just fine. 'Write what you know' does have merit, but if you don't inherently understand it, don't worry. If you do, apply as necessary. I pretty much just make everything up. Why not? That's what some of us are best at.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Question: If someone were to fuck with you how would they go about it?

I guess they could murder my wife.

It would take some real effort to handle that situation. First of all, if I came home and she had been murdered, it would take a lot of effort not to fuck her one last time. Especially if the corpse was still warm. (Then again, I've never fucked a really cold person so that could be neat.) The point is, then, while fucking my freshly dead wife, I'd have to try to be respectful of the way she liked getting fucked, and resist all the heinous stuff I could now in theory do to her, because she's basically a lifeless, lukewarm sex doll. That all sounds like a ton of work, and I could easily consider it 'getting fucked with'.

I guess another way to go would be to assault me sexually. Then I'd have to put up with dicks in my holes, and I'm not sure how good I am at that. I mean, I've said before I'd suck a dick for a lot less money than you might think, but I don't want to disappoint anyone. At least if I got violated in the rectum I know they'll have a good time, and that's some solace. It will take a lot of effort to not be too neurotic. I'd like to lose myself in the moment, you know? Get shipwrecked, swept away, taken to an earth-shattering place by the process of having someone force their penis into my two or so orifices. What a drag!

Giving me lots of money would fuck with me pretty hard. I'd have to figure out what to do with it, learn to be responsible, deal with a lot of bureaucracy and bullshit. I'd probably have to learn some things. Ugh.

I guess you could help me with my aspiring career as a novelist. What would I do with myself if I couldn't identify as a struggling artist? What would be the fuel that runs my daily existence if I managed to achieve my loftiest goal? That could really fuck with me.

Organize an orgy surprise party for my birthday? Awkward!
Give me a handjob on the bus? What if we get caught??!?!
Clean my house when I'm not there? What a violation!

Short Answer: Turns out, there are a lot of ways to fuck with me. Please don't do any of them! Please!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Question: Ever thought of moving away from the city you're in? If so where would you go?

Yes. The city I live in - Vancouver - is expensive.

Here's a list of places I would rather live, if only I had the money, inclination or drive to move.

Narnia - Why? Talking lions and Christian allegory.
Newfoundland - Why? Family and the mandatory minimum fish wage.
Hobbiton - Why? Nice scenery and great professional wrestling matches.
Victoria - Why? Friends and nearly the same living situation/irony.
Just outside of Vancouver - Why? Lower cost of living and continued access to drug overdoses.
Any number of Fantasy novel worlds - Why? Likely to live life as a serf, but there's hope of knighthood and dragon-slaying glory.
Montreal - Why? Poutine and being looked down upon.
Any number of Sci-Fi novel worlds - Why? The preponderance of alien races and evolved states of being. And ray guns.
Scandinavia - Why? Have you looked into this shit? They've got it figured the fuck out.

Short Answer: I think about moving quite often, but my instinct, after years of being in one place, is to make a bold move, not a small one. That has perhaps kept me in place for longer than I'd imagined.



Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Question: You haven't been writing your blog or taking your daily sexy walks past my jerking bush, where have you been?

I've been in the jerking bush behind you, the one that overlooks your jerking bush. I've been observing your sexual frustration. Your inability to climax gets me off.

Short Answer: I was on vacation.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Question: Hey Keith. Seems like your wife must be pretty cool to let you say such heinous shit about her online. Can you describe her for us?

My wife's like...

Rutger Hauer with more tears in the rain.
Mr. Belding's awkward twin sister.
Denzel Washington's ever growing paunch.
If Raggedy Andy got a sex-change.
Carmen Miranda with penises instead of bananas.
A bottom feeding fish that moans with displeasure when you flip it over.
A toilet-colored person that smells like a toilet.
Ernest Borgnine's cat that looks a lot like him.
That show, Designing Women.
An on-the-wagon four-and-a-half.
Seven ferrets in an Anna Kendrick suit.
The feeling you get when you poop, and then there's a second cramp, and it's likely diarrhea.
Real licorice.
A tantrum thrown by a baby panda because it can't get its glasses clean.
Roadkill with tits.
The feeling you get when a movie doesn't have a post-credit scene.
The feeling you get when a movie does have credit bloopers.
Punky Brewster regretting her breast reduction surgery.
Misreading the word annual as anal.
A facial menstrual cramp.
A smarmy chipmunk that knows you want to fuck it.
How Fleetwood Mac feels about each other.
Being in a live studio audience for the Red Wedding.
A hobo with a t-shirt gun, and all the t-shirts say, 'Hobos Piss in T-Shirts'.
A woman with hot boobs, a fat ass, and a penchant for room-shredding poofarts.

Short Answer: Don't worry, honey. You're a drunk nine for sure!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Question: Does he have a small penis or does she have a wide vagina?

Is wide vagina even really a thing? I mean, aren't there muscles down there? It's not like the waist band of old sweatpants, where it's lost all elasticity and just gapes like the mouth of a grouper fish.

My instinct is small penis, but even that's suspect. The difference in penis sizes between men is negligible, unless you get to the far ends of the spectrum. That's lengths, though, so I guess a penis could be real thin and therefore not make a lady feel...full.

("I had all dat penis and now I'm fulled up!"
- things I hear a lot.)

If sex feels too broad down there, it might be a few other things. Lack of effort, weakened musculature, position, technique. (In then out doesn't necessarily cut it for some girls, just like lying there like a damn princess doesn't do it for some guys.)

Sexual congress can take some effort, and unlike regular congress, someone comes at the end! And no hookers die! And legislation is passed.

Short Answer: I hope it's not the vagina's fault, 'cause that means she'd have to keep finding larger and larger penises to make her feel stuffed. That eventually leads to species jumping, which can get all dangerous up near your organs. (Smiley Horse emoji.)

Monday, July 31, 2017

Question: What are your thoughts on the Ready Player One trailer?

I might just be a total fool, but I don't remember that big-ass chase scene from the book. Even if it's in there - or even symbolically in there - I didn't enjoy the trailer very much because that action scene in no way represents a single one of the great ideas/legitimate reasons to be interested in this adaptation.

I would have much preferred a throwback style trailer about old video games and his actual adventures in the Oasis while he's searching for...whatever spoilery Macguffin he's searching for.

I fear that they think this book was good because of all the random pop-culture elements, but that shit does not a story make. I also believe that nostalgia is far more powerful than CG bullshit.

Like most digital worlds, it will be hard to know how we accept them until we're completely surrounded, deep in the bowels of the film. Hopefully it won't be too distracting to our eyeholes, and they'll keep the focus on the great story.

Short Answer: Still lots of hope. I thought the real world looked awesome. If it veers more Stranger Things than first glance, I think it could still be great. I am a little worried that they're going to rush through the first act of the book to get to 'better stuff' and that would be a mistake.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Question: Should I punch kurt Buttner in the face? or instead should I donate $34 to a charity of Evan's choice?

You should definitely punch Kurt Facener in the butt.
You should definitely butt Kurt Punchner in the face.
You should definitely face Butt Kurtner in the punch.

That's probably about as far as that can go.

I say go with the charity thing for sure. I mean, it's not like Evan can pick a bad one. At least some of the money will end up in the hands of someone who needs it, or the person who's taking way too much of a cut to 'help' others.

As for German entomologist Kurt Buttner, you should probably leave his face alone. Punching people doesn't do a whole lot of good, and it hurts your hand a lot more than you might think. If you don't know how to punch properly, you'll really hurt your wrist or fingers on Buttner's face.

You'll really hurt your butt or wrist on Fingerner's face.
You'll really hurt your wrist or face on Facener's fingers.
You'll really hurt your face or fingers on Wristner's butt.

Short Answer: Chortle. What fun.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Question: I'm getting fed up with your attitude.....?

You're obviously a regular reader. I can tell because of the sneaky question mark. I'll assume you aren't questioning yourself, and just adhering to my rules.

Sucker!

I can also tell based on the mildness of the comment that you're not being serious. Here's the kind of question I get from people who don't like my blog. "You should fuck off and die, you talentless hack. Fuck you. I hope your sister gets ass cancer. Peace!"

So you're obviously not fed up with my attitude. And if you truly are, you should look inward and figure out why. Because my attitude is awesome.

Here's a sentence I've put together to describe my attitude, for people who don't know me and haven't read my blog.

Me: "I'd like to divorce my wife and marry a cartoon dog."

Short Answer: I like your attitude. I always have.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Question: If the Golden Girls entered the Octagon for a 4 way title fight, how would that fight play out?

That's more of a wrestling thing, so it surprises me a little that you think the rules of the 'Octagon' are going to be important in resolving this. We wanna make sure no old ladies kick each other in the old lady balls, I guess.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is a Bea Arthur beatdown A slaughterhouse of blue hair and depends as Bea Arthur obliterates all-comers.

Hey, I want to believe that Estelle Getty is like the old man ninja, too, that she's waiting off to the side, looking for her moment to do something awesome. But it ain't happening. Bea Arthur will devour her.

As for the others, funny don't beat monsters. Trust me, I've tried.

Short Answer: Bea Arthur turns the others into a boxed lunch in round one.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Question: Define "treedumpment"

Not only is there no question mark, I apparently don't deserve any sort of punctuation at all. Is this the end of a sentence? Is it?

This was bound to happen. I blame youths.

I hate to be unoriginal, but I must be honest. Does anyone read this word and not think of taking a dump next to a tree in the woods? Say it in whatever context you see fit, treedumpment is definitely the accomplishment of doing it bear-style. (No, not wiping your ass with a passing squirrel. Keep up!)

Another thought is that 'trump' is in there, somewhere. Like the deep, meaningless sense of bewilderment you feel when he takes a verbal dump. "That thing he said about transgender people in the military is the worst treedumpment yet!"

Short Answer: Maybe if I heard this word, rather than saw it spelled out, I might think someone was offering me a maple syrup flavored candy.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Question: Synthetic aperture radar or just fuck it and hike them salt domes?

Someone's about to be disappointed.

And by someone I mean everyone. I know what an SAR is, and I know what a salt dome is. That's it. I know those things. What this is in reference to, I do not know.

From what I can gather, there is some situation where you A) Hike over salt domes or B) Have the option to avoid them by using radar. The question becomes, why are you avoiding salt domes? Is this about expense in some way? I'm lost.

What a funny answer. Here's a question. Does this have something to do with mining? I'll wait.

...salt domes are pretty sometimes...I don't much like hiking...mountain x-ray...

No answer? That's cool. Figuring out how to answer me without the laws of time and space on your side is tough. Now you know how I felt when I read this question.

Short Answer: Aaaaaandd poop, boobs, poop poop boobs, poopy poopy poopy poopy pooopy poopy boobs.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Question: I can ask you anything? Anything?!!!

2360 previous posts would suggest that yes, you can in fact ask me anything. Even this. Twice.

Short Answer: Most days, I'd rather be having sex with a  lukewarm cheeseburger than doing this.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Question: Where's the weirdest place you've masturbated?

Is this what we want to know about Keith? Really?

I'm about to disappoint you. I don't get off on touching myself in weird locales or situations. Masturbation for me is like maintenance work. I do it once a day to keep the pipes from a'cloggin'.

The weirdest place I've ever masturbated is tame, but it does come with a story.

I was a late-term masturbater, and the first time I ever wrangled myself to completion it was a mistake. I was in a situation where people were getting naked. I was young and embarrassed that my penis size wouldn't be up to snuff. (I'm on the very upper end of the grower/shower spectrum. I grow so much, in fact, that watching me getting erections is like getting a surprise, 3D screening of The Howling.)

I ducked into one of those city parks, a place with a bench and a little creek and some trees, fabricated to break-up the monotony of all things, and did what I knew would work. If I touched myself some, my penis would get bigger. My semi is a whole lot more impressive than my typical resting state, so this was a good plan. Only, I was in a hurry.

You get the rest. Needless to say, I didn't end up showing my once again flaccid penis to anyone that night.

Short Answer: Bonus Top Ten: Things Girls Have Actually Said to Me Upon Seeing My Disproportionate Erection-Ratio-Situation

10) "Wow!"
9) "This could be an issue."
8) "It's like a muppet."
7) "How do you live with those things?"
6) "Fucking hello!"
5) "Holy shit. I was worried for a second. Did that hurt?"
4) "(laughing) That's...that's a monster, dude."
3) "Where did that come from?"
2) "You just went from bunny slope to black diamond."
1) "Huh. Melissa was right."

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Question: Jon's butt Rick?

I want to believe this happens rarely. I like to think that I 'get' things. That I'm down with the hep cats. That I'm in the know, in the now, and down with the relative sickness.

I have no idea what this means. My first thought was that it could be from the new season of Rick and Morty which I haven't yet seen, but googly-eye searches have found no proof of that.

My next thought was that this could be a question from one of my Newfie kin, possible referencing a town name. They have funny town names there. Example: Joe Batt's Arm. Further Example: Dildo.

Major John Buttrick did something in the Battle of Concord in 1775. Probably not related.

So here we are. I'm disappointed. You're salivating for comedy. And the poor person who asked this question probably thought, 'This is brilliant. No way he doesn't know what I'm saying.'

Now, to do my best with what we have. If Jon has a butt, and he named it Rick, Jon is hilarious. That's my opinion on that.

Short Answer: I don't think I've ever had less of clue what a question meant. Even when I get drunk-texted questions I can decipher some meaning. This one has baffled me.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Question: If one were forced to get a colostomy bag, what fun things could they use their now jobless anus/butt for?

What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my band!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my autobiography!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what my mom calls me in company!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what I say to my wife after mediocre vaginal intercourse!

I'm not sure what you want from me here. You and I both know that butts are for two things. Pooping and cramming stuff. So if you're not pooping with it, your options are limited to cramming.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Sounds like the name of my newest porno!

Just for the record, carrying around a bag of your shit isn't at all cool. That kinda sounds like a harsh, schoolyard insult come true in an alarmingly accurate fashion.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Where do I sign up?

This would be great if it was a concert. Jobless Anus with Guest Star: Butt.

Is that enough?

Short Answer: I've never been a big fan of having things in my butt, except on certain specific, sweaty occasions when it all of a sudden becomes very important that we multi-knuckle that fucker to get the angry jizzum out sideways.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Question: Summer Shandy, Fall Apple Cider, Winter Mulled Wine, or Spring Cocktail?

Feels like some real thought went into this, so it makes me sad that my answer is so simple. To honor the effort, let's go through each one.

Fall Apple Cider: Apples give me diarrhea. If this is referring to the fermented kind of cider, that ain't so bad, but I'm always disappointed by the lack of big fruit flavor in ciders. They're too dry!

Winter Mulled Wine: I like wine, and I like spices. This can definitely hit the spot, and makes me feel like I'm tasting something old and special. Like getting a good lick at an elephant's ball sack.

Spring Cocktail: I guess it depends on the cocktail. Lots are good. Many better than the aforementioned bag of pachyderm nuts.

Summer Shandy: I shandy all year, baby. If you read this blog on the regular, you'll have noticed my proclivity for the shandy. In particular, a wheat beer plus a sparkling lemonade, about fifty-fifty. That shit is the pants down winner!

Short Answer: 'That shit is the pants down winner' can read a lot like a typo about pants-shitting.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Question: Kathy Bates, Emo Philips, Ted Danson - Which one would you awkwardly junior high dance with (boner included)? Which one would you sensually rub with soft cheese and tuna? and which one would you abandon in a Black Friday Door Crasher line-up with no means of defense?

Because this is crazy, I'll try to find some parallels in reality.

You're kinda doing marry, fuck, kill. I guess the boner dance is the fucking, the line-up is the killing and, by default, the cheese/fish scenario is the marrying. (It makes sense. Rubbing things on people is tender, and denotes a lifetime commitment.)

So with those guidelines, let it be known that I think Kathy Bates is a tremendous actor. Because of this, I don't want her to die. She's also the only female - my particular sexual proclivity - so boners against her wouldn't be so bad. And because I'm a fan, marrying her wouldn't be so bad.

But...

I don't want to spread cheese and tuna on her! That's gross. So she gets the boner dance.

The rest is simple. Ted Danson gets the rub down, because he's the least gross. Emo Philips sucks and can die, so he can take Black Friday to the dome.

Short Answer: Outside of this scenario, I don't think Emo Philips should die. I get his value. But I didn't actually know his name, and was hoping this was the hot blonde from Wilson Phillips. That got him crushed in a capitalist riot, I'm afraid.

Note: Just looked up Chynna Phillips. She might have been aided in her hotness by that whole 'standing next to uggos' phenomenon.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Question: Bill Cosby....thoughts?

I think we're all sad when our heroes turn out to be flawed.

And with that general statement we can easily shift into the fact that Bill Cosby has not actually been convicted of any crime.

But as they say, where there's smoke, he raped some people.

Short Answer: He ruined sweaters for me.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Question: Pants?

This turned out to be a lot of work. I knew I'd written about pants before, so I did some blog searching. Turns out, there are a lot of pants posts, so I'm going to do something a little different today.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/search?q=pants

There. That's the link to the 'pants' search on my blog. It turned up some real beauties. So take your pick.

Short Answer: Generally, no.

Note: This post actually shows up in that link now, because magic. Don't be fooled and click the link within the link, or you'll end up in a never ending loop.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Question: Sunday Freeday?

Someone should 'ask' me this question once a week.

Here's some insight into my little world. I'd say at least 3 days a week, I sit here trying to remember a thing I thought of earlier. And by earlier I mean that half-awake, mid-morning dream state that allows your brain to make magical flips of reasoning and bold strides of creativity, unencumbered by complete awakeyness.

Most days I can't remember. Some days I remember and the line or joke I thought was gonna be great is total shit, and has no real meaning. Like, "Grover Socks is a sick name for a band."

This morning, I was being wise in my subconscious, and I came up with this tidbit: Jobs and work are different. A job is what you do to make money. Work is having to get out of bed to go to your stupid shitty job.

That's not bad for not a single thread of conscious, intelligent thought.

I think I agree with Dream Keith. The hardest thing many people do on any given day is overcoming the desire to stay in bed. I thank my busty stars everyday that I'm not faced with that decision. The ability to lounge around, letting my creativity snuggle, is a true blessing. I've come up with some of my best ideas in that warm, calm, morning haven. Such as:

The Baloney Toad
Two-ended matches
The tall thin gate
Soup technique
Gary the Effortless Asiatic Menace
Slumpdumping
The bindle revival
Eggs Benefactor
Homeless nudists
The Purple Penis Eater
Shartnado
Calvin going to therapy to rid himself of Hobbes, then discovering the wisdom of Leviathan
Stump sucking
Doing cocaine from the cap of a pen
The porn name Tunt Billington Comely Esquire

Short Answer: Funny to claim these were subconscious jokes, because they're actually a child of the other well I draw upon: saying crazy shit with absolutely no forethought whatsoever. Yes, my brain makes up this stuff on a loop, even when I'm trying to be a real boy. Sometimes, it's great. Other times, when Shartnado pops into your head while making love to your wife, things can get a bit hairy.

Note: It's no joke. Tunt Billington Comely Esquire was a moment of pure creation. Snack on that, all you other motherfuckers.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Question: I'm at a public toilet. Do I peek or just flush?

I'm not sure exactly where you are in the washroom, or what the timing is, here. My first thought is that you're in the stall, finishing up a poop, and you're wondering if you should look under the stall at the next guy.

My first question, assuming I'm somewhere close to the mark, is do you like watching other guys poop? If you do, this answer writes itself.

Because you asked for my advice, let's go with the angle that you're just a curious fellow. If that's the case, this is a privacy issue. Do you care about the other person's privacy? Privacy in general? Do you fear getting caught, the wide-eye between the crack, peering in at someone's most private of moments?

Scratch that. I just got the question. You're just referring to whether or not you should peek at your own dump. I see it, now.

This one's easy. The fact that you specifically mentioned that you were in a public toilet means that you're having an unwanted away game. This probably means a surprise poop, maybe even a wet one that caught you off guard. In this case: Do Not Look!

Short Answer: That's a weird phenomenon. Sometimes I get the thrust of the question wrong, but rarely do I realize halfway through. What a treat!

Note: I just had another thought. Is it possible that you're just entering the stall, wondering if you should see what the carnage is before you do a pre-sit flush? Perhaps...

Friday, July 14, 2017

Question: Pink versus Purple?

Stink or nurple?

That wasn't an answer. I just thought of it, and the sentence needed to exist. Where else were you going to read, 'stink or nurple' today? It was my duty.

I might be off base, here, but this makes me think about vaginas and penises. Pink is the defacto color of most lady parts, and purple the color of most to all wangers. This makes any versus scenario pretty tough, as both things work together to make a sploogey.

If this is supposed to be a women versus men question, you've barked up the wrong mixed metaphor with this dude. I have no desire to extend my toe into the lava pit that is gender/sex politics at the moment. Way too many sensitive, defensive crazy people out there.

So let's find some other ways to compare beaves and pokers.

One: The cootch is an inny, the ding-dong is an outie. Advantage snatch, because it's way easier to keep that in your pantaloons.

Two: The clam bleeds once a month, the cock only bleeds if something terrible is happening. Advantage wiener.

Three: Vags look pretty good. Hogs look super goofy. Advantage willy, 'cause goofy shit is the best.

Anything else important about the difference between pusses and dick? Probably not. Let's take the question from a true versus standpoint, and try to figure out which one would win in a fight. No, no, the minute I say this I realize I'm faced with a difficult question. Are the balls involved? Because advantage goes to the balls, am I right? Am I? Anyone? Mom?

Short Answer: I have no idea what this question meant, and I'm almost positive it was in no way about genitals. I like the color pink slightly more than the color purple, if that means anything to you. (The real truth is I like them about the same amount as I like 'getting them' at the same time. Get it? You get it.)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Question: Have you ever "dream cheated" on your wife? Did you tell her about it?

This question almost made me laugh, because it implies that there are people out there who don't dream cheat on their wife, and keep secrets when they do.

That had not occurred to me before. Why?

Because in my dreams I fuck everything and everyone. I have explicit dreams of fucking strangers, old girlfriends, current girlfriends, famous people, the lady at the deli; you name it, I've fucked it.

Sometimes my wife watches me fuck these people. Sometimes she's involved in a three-way type capacity. Sometimes she morphs into the other person, or the person morphs into her. I like her a great deal, so she's welcome in my dream escapades, especially if she's approving with nods or face-fucking.

Now let me ask you a question. Do you 'dream cheat' but not tell your wife? And if so, is that because you're afraid she'll get mad at you? If so, here's a little free advice. If your wife gets mad at you for what your subconscious does, divorce her immediately. Not a joke.

Short Answer: I tell my wife everything because that's how a happy marriage works. Communication. We're open about all the stuffs. I even masturbate while my wife is in the next room, listening. That's also how a marriage works: sex in separate rooms.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Question: What are your favorite songs RIGHT NOW!???

Thanks for the three question marks. No doubt you're asking me a question. Also, you might have a capitals problem. You should probably look into cyber-anger management. It's better than anger management in real life because you can have a tab or two of porn open while taking the course.

I wonder what percentage of people have porn open on their computer when they're doing something else?

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!

Well, not quite. But people love porn. Wish we all talked about it more. I don't watch anything overtly shameful, but I still feel weird if I start talking about a scene I just watched. And all the people at my cousin's wedding felt weird too, I guess.

Right now, huh? I guess you mean what's been stuck in my head as of late? Or what songs have I grown to have a new appreciation of? (This is a weird way to get something to listen to while you're masturbating, by the way. Or whatever you do on the internet while listening to music. Wink.)

Life on Mars by Bowie is always in my top tunes, and it's showed up again recently as I was comparing the original mix to the 2016 version. (I like the original. It's muddier.)

Been loving the music in Twin Peaks. Tarifa by Sharon Van Etten, She's Gone Away by Nine Inch Nails, and Shadow by Chromatics in particular.

Others stuffs:

Dry the Rain by the Beta Band
Day is Done by Nick Drake
I Wouldn't Want to be Like You by The Alan Parsons Project
River of Deceit by Mad Season
Little of Your Love by Haim
All Apologies by Nirvana

Short Answer: There you go. That's a nice little list of ten if you want to get into some me music today. Pretty sure it's all on the YouTube.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Question: What are your thoughts on fisting?

I gotta be honest, I'm more of a high-fiver. I find fisting only works with certain people. Like, old people don't get fisting at all. Slightly younger people sort of like fisting, but they prefer a solid handshake. Then there's this grey area, fisting-crowd generation, mixed in with the high-fivers. As for the youths, I don't know how much fisting they do. I assume they don't think it's cool anymore and have moved onto something more complicated.

I don't really fist with anyone. I don't fist my mom or my grandmother (though I think she'd be into it), and I don't fist with my brother. I'll do the devil horns sometimes, if the situation is appropriate. I guess I'm more of a two-finger guy all-in-all. Though sometimes I will throw my thumb in there.


Short Answer:
Image result for i was fisted once background



Monday, July 10, 2017

Question: Give me three reasons why I shouldn't kick your ass, nerd!

I'm going to have to start a new blog called 'State Anything to Keith, Maybe With an Exclamation Point, But Definitely Not a Question Mark, 'Cause He Don't Answer No Questions, Fool.'

Or something like that.

Three reasons why you shouldn't kick my ass? Three? I could give you three thousand.

3) You'll go to jail. People seem to forget this, with all of their aggressive posturing in the face of conflict. If you hit someone, that's assault, and you can go to jail for a long time. It blows my mind in rage incidents that people manage to forget that their whole life could be destroyed by their lack of control. You could be a fine, upstanding citizen, who's never even considered the possibility of being jailed. Then, you throw one punch because someone cut you off in traffic and your tiny ego can't handle it, and it's off to the hoosegow.

2) I'm awesome. Why would you want to kick my ass? I don't tell people what to do, and I make most people laugh. Even if you don't like my blog, I dare you not to think I'm funny in person. I'm a hoot! I swear a lot, say the word 'poop' with unmatched vigor, and have a tendency not to fuck your girlfriend. (One of those things was a lie.Tee-hee!)

1) Things might not go the way you envision. I'm not a highly trained martial artist. But I was a very impressive and creative athlete, and my brain works quickly. There's a possibility that in a fight, where I'm calm and collected, and you're losing your mind, that I'm going to apply the few things I do know, and embarrass you in front of your girlfriend that I fucked.

Short Answer: All jokes aside, girls like me. Your mom, your sister...it's a risky game beating up this nerd. You'd have to beat my dick awfully hard for me not to get some serious revenge. So remember, if you're coming after Keith, make sure to beat my dick.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Question: Can you decipher my code? DTZFWJFKFYHMTIJ

When most people think cipher, they either go with a password ciper or what's called Caesar code, which is traditionally replacing alphabetic values with letters that are three steps away.

Starting with that, it was easy to figure out that you have a five letter cipher going. (You wouldn't have done this if you didn't want me to figure it out, and I was never going to guess a password, right?) So if A=F...

Here's your message:

You are a fat chode.

Bravo.

Short Answer: I'm actually most impressed by the use of the word chode. I think the full eclipse of chode by the word 'taint' is a little disappointing. I also like that you chose chode because as I was translating, I would've guessed a lot of other insults coming down the pipeline, like piece of shit or motherfucker. This one held me in suspense until somewhere between the H and the O.

Note: Remember that chode is short for choda? Choda! Don't hear that anymore.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Question: Fruitcake anyone?

Boy, that's a hard sell.

My friend (who likely asked me this question) hired Timbaland a few years ago to help bring Fruitcakeback.

Yea.

He candies/bottles/cans his own fruit, and I think he elbow-grinds the cake parts. I know for sure that he bathes the fucker in rum over and over again, like a six-month turkey baste.

Yea.

The result is something very different than the doorstop fruitcake we're all accustomed to. The thing he makes as actually like a food. But even upon hearing the process and jumping on board his excitement train, its still hard to believe that fruitcake can be good.

Take it to the chorus.

When I was growing up, giving a fruitcake to someone - especially if it wasn't Christmas - was like telling the person you hated their whole family, and wished ill upon three consecutive generations. When we'd receive a fruitcake, we'd play a game called, 'now let's eat bricks' and we'd eat bricks instead.

Short Answer: It needs to be moist-ier, and it needs to have proper fruit, not those weird, hard troll testicle things. (Trolls have square testicles. You didn't know that? Ya idiot!)

Note/Fun Fact: Fruitcakes can be made over the span of years. My buddy has a cycle of one-year, two-year, and I think three-year fruitcakes. You just keep adding booze so they don't ever go bad. It's magical, because they slowly morph into a completely different kind of thing that's actually good.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Question: Can you come up with 5 cocktails, including recipe descriptions, that have names which when ordered could be mistaken for something dirty (sexy dirty / not dirt dirty)?

Oh, boy. The difference between sexy dirty and dirty dirty is a fine line for some. I get what you mean, you don't want the Dust Devil cocktail, but that doesn't mean the Felcher (Kahlua and clotted cream) isn't pretty fucking dirty and very, very un-sexy.

I'm gonna try to do this the way you want, and avoid my instincts. (Instinct example: Clamato, vodka, 2% milk and a raw egg: Sex on the Period.)

Here are five sexy cocktails, the kind that might make a woman a little horny. Not the kind that will send her running for the door. (Like the Sweaty Ballsack: gin, hose water and a pube.)

Okay, okay, here we go.

The Asshopper: Like a traditional Grasshopper, which is equal parts cream, creme de menthe and creme de cacoa. Instead, for the Asshopper, you change the proportions to be 3 parts chocolate liquor rather than 1. Making it browner.

(Damn. That's not sexy either, is it? Maybe I'm not good with sexy. Maybe you asked a guy who's good at poop jokes to be sexy-funny. Maybe you are the one who's made a mistake, here.)

Let's try again.

The Plan B: This is sexy, cause you know she'll take care of that shit when and if the condom breaks. It's a tumbler with three ounces of tequila, a lime wedge and four Vicodin. (Yes, she knows there's Vicodin in it. I'm not making a cocktail called the Cosby. Geez.) Anyway, after a few of these, her body will be so toxic that no sperm can survive, nor can any egg take purchase on her uterine wall. Sexy!

(Okay. That was bad, too. Oh, look! That's five cocktails!)

Short Answer: Did you really think I'd come up with a yummy drink with a coy title? Really? Oh, you did? Goddammit.

The Harvey Fingerbanger: vodka and orange juice, but instead of Galliano, some orea cookie crumbs to look like dirt under the fingernails.

Note: Fuck me! I was actually going to make up five cocktails at the end of this. I'm kind of a culinary guy, so I thought I could. But every time I try to think of a sexy name I think of something filthy, and then the cocktail gets totally gross. Bail!


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Question: Do you ever get the feeling that I'm watching you sit at your computer from the other end of the room through your sliding glass patio door right now?

First of all, kudos on coming up with an interesting angle.

Now, to address this insanity.

I don't have glass patio doors.

No, no, I'm just kidding! I do! Wouldn't that have sucked? I could've just bailed right there, and the person who asked this question would be totally boned! He'd have no way of arguing that I do, in fact, have glass patio doors! Ha!

Okay, now for the truth. When I get a question through my site, it tells me the time it was sent. I wasn't at my computer when this was sent. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, that though you claim in your question to be watching me at that very minute (liar), you could've asked the question slightly before or slightly after. But I'm guessing it was around that time, if you had the balls to claim it was happening at that very moment. I was cooking, and I was back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. Because one of those journeys forces me to face the sliding doors, I would've seen you. Even had it been at night, pretty hard to hide behind glass, therefore hard to do as you've claimed without notice. Maybe if you caught me masturbating I might not notice you...

Short Answer: I guess try that next time. I'm usually masturbating anywhere between all the time and whenever.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Question: Tell me what you think about Destiny's Child.

No.

Short Answer: Ugh. Now I feel like a lazy piece of shit. All right. First of all, no question mark means you suck butts. I don't give two shits about Destiny's Child. I thought their music was crap. Beyonce, on the other hand, has some pretty sweet tunes. Turns out people like her a great deal. That enough? Jesus.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Question: If I asked you a mathematical equation, could you answer?

Is that the vernacular? "I'd like to ask you an equation, madam, of the math variety."

Of course I could. But why would you do that? That's boring, even for people who love math. Here, let's do the non-math version of a question with only one answer.

Hey, Ask Keith Anything, is the sky blue?

Answer: Yes.

What fun?

Stuff your math question.

Short Answer: E=MC owned.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Question: Where'd ya get that hat?

You must be talking to someone else's head.

I've always wanted to be a hat guy. I think it has something to do with all the hereditary baldness in my family. I've been assuming since a young age that one day I'd need to style up my glaring pate.

The only hats that look even semi-normal on me are baseball hats. Fedoras make me look like a rat-pack inspired rape artist, sun hats make me look like a Beach Boys inspired rape victim, and cowboy hats make me look like my singing voice is more pleasant than it is. (This has led to a couple of campfire dust-ups.)

I think the only interesting hat story I have to tell is about my current hat. It's a garage style Metallica hat. I found one in a discount bin nearly twenty years ago, wore it until it 'faded from black' to a sun-burnt, sweat-stained, non-color that looked like an impending bruise. One day, when I was desperately in need of a hat retirement ceremony, my brother showed up and handed me the exact same hat! He'd found it brand new in some discount bin! I've worn 'Garage Hat Revisited' for even longer than I wore the first one. It looks like something that a homeless person might dig out of a poop while looking for corn kernels, but I still wear it.

Short Answer: I have a weird head-to-body ratio. 1 to 1. (I meant, how many. Did you just picture me with a head as big as a body? Silly!)

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Question: I don't think people like it when I tell them my dreams. You?

Way to turn a statement into a question at the last second.

Yea, I've noticed this. Sometimes that's because people are stupid and they don't realize their dreams aren't very complex or interesting. Other times, it's because dreams don't have much narrative structure, which is pretty crucial to storytelling.

Having said that, sometimes I have dreams that objectively seem a step crazier than most. Here's a recent one, broken down into into its simplest parts with little detail added.

Dream:

Watching a concert with a friend, then get lost leaving. Let loose a plague of flies by opening an old tennis ball can. Get congratulated for our jiu-jitsu performance. Outside, they're arresting people. My friend gets taken, so I spend some days on the streets with a homeless person, just blending in.

Meanwhile in NFLD, I'm being given some strange, detective-like errands to accomplish. My new songs are a hit, and I'm trying to pick out a cute outfit while Sean Penn reads my poetry aloud to rave reviews. Finally, I text my uncle to let him know I'm in town.

We've established that people have crazy dreams, and retelling them is often boring and dumb. But this whole sequence struck me as special. It kinda felt like there was the opposite of narrative structure. At no point was anything explained. Nothing followed a logical path. It was a dream of situations, then emotions, then time passing, loosely held together by shifting locales. Again, that's not uncommon for dreams. But this, for me, was an excessive amount.

Let's recap.

Concerts, getting lost, starting a plague, receiving a compliment from a friend's father, jiu-jitsu, running from the cops, becoming homeless, writing a hit album, becoming a popular poet, trying on different belts to match my blouse, being a detective, the excitement of seeing my family.

In a row.

Now how the fuck am I supposed to look at that and trace where it all comes from?

Short Answer: I'm mad. If you read this and think, "I have dreams as crazy as this," then you're mad too. Let's get lunch.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Question: What are you doing for Canada Day?

I've decided to spend a little time with my international friends.

English friend...pints and kebabs?
Australian friend...a barbecue that starts with shrimp, then - if I understand correctly - grilled dingo with a baby stuffed inside?
French friend...cigarettes and baguettes?
Russian friend...vodka. They really like vodka.
Mexican friend...wall-climbing class.
American friend...sitting down with different opinions but not having a civil conversation?
Swiss friend...chocolate watches!
Portuguese friend...boiled tripe and...tripe salad?
Scottish friend...haggis and no-underwear skirts?
Irish friend...potatoes and then no potatoes at all?
Canadian friend...trust falls and guilt?
Chinese friend...suicide net construction?
Okinawan friend...waxing in various directions.
Japanese friend...fish of all different levels of cookededness?
Italian friend...hand gestures and pasta with an aggressive sounding title that I have to eat a lot of or I'll insult an elder.
Greek friend...regular stuff but naked.
Dutch friend...getting high with hookers?
Indian friend...being too hot than cooking a meal for a cow?
South African friend...saying vitamins and aluminium a bunch?

Short Answer: Say what you want, stereotypes are funny. Unless want you want to say is, "Stereotypes aren't funny." Then, I guess, they aren't. For you in particular. Should I erase this and start a new Short Answer? Sounds like a lot of work. Hmmm...I wonder what will happen?


Friday, June 30, 2017

Question: What's the least possible me you can be?

How much butts would a buttchuck would if a wouldbutt could chuck butts?

Who couldn't sleep last night and has a chafed penis? (Points to himself with his penis.) This fuckin' guy!

Went down the YouHole last night watching videos of 'instant-karma'. Those are basically scenes of someone being a dick, then getting their come-uppins in a timely fashion. Like when I yell, "All Balls In!" and my wife totally gets furled up.

If this was exercising, I'd be out of breath right now. This is like a comedy shuttle-run.

What the fuck was the question? Oh yeah, I'm so tired I started writing without selecting a question. Now I have to go and find one that fits. Gimme a second. (Gone so long you actually feel the lapse of time, despite this sentence being only the usual amount of spaces away from the previous one.)

Did you guys know that some people just leave their car doors open? That guy is going to be so pissed when he realizes I put way too much gas in his tank! Pranks!

Oh yeah. A question. Did I do that or not? I guess you'll never know when I did it. Just like when I have sex with my wife.

Short Answer: This question is appropriate because this answer is the most me I can be, so by default, the least possible you. Fuckers!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Question: Why does everything containing stevia extract taste like Satan's ball-sweat? Is that intentional?

I'm sorry to tell you this.

Stevia is Satan's ball-sweat! (This is how improv works. You make a joke, I go with it. Isn't this fun? Now you go. Oh yeah. You can't. Now I have to make all the jokes. Great.)

I like to think that stevia is made when Satan squeezes the ball-sweat straight from the sack of a guy named Steve. I also want to believe that Steve is a marginal offender, like, he was fined once for minor tax fraud and momentarily worshiped a graven idol. He's just kind of a douche, and his ball-sweat tastes the worst, so Satan butters up his hands and goes to town, kneading his balls until stevia seeps out of chodebox, runs down his spider-leggy pubes and into a vat marked, 'Straight to Vegans'.

(That was an unnecessary shot at vegans, it's just the word was the funniest one I could think of, and also, they're not going to notice how bad stevia is compared to their food, because they eat things that taste like sacks 'n' holes all the live long day.)

I guess the point is, I agree. I tried stevia in a soft drink, and it wasn't too bad. I guess I was fooled by all the other vile chemicals masking its flavor, because when I bought some packets of stevia extract to replace the sugar in my coffee, I used two and put the rest in the garbage where they belong, the whole time curious as to why it didn't say, 'Put Straight in the Garbage' on the package.

Short Answer: There's got to be some plants out there that are sweet, don't kill you, and don't taste like bush runoff. Agreed.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Question: Yep, you nailed that one, didn't you?

You must be one of the many ladies I've had coital relations with, because that's the sort of thing those ladies say. (The men are more verbose but that's because I do butts good.)

Here are some other things I've heard:

"You really cleaned out the corners."
"Way to investigate the cave-mouth."
"Thanks for airing out the old box."
"I appreciate how you tided up after yourself."
"Nice hand jive."
"How many people were inside me?"
"That was efficient."
"It's like I got asked to the prom by a werewolf."
"Natural lubricant is for suckers."
"I feel like the paperboy just collected."
"The cellar door was ajar."
"That was a lot of chucks, woodchuck."
"In Soviet Russia, backdoor is left open for you."
"Camel tits!"
"I can't believe you ate the whole thing!"
"That felt slippier."

Short Answer: Some of these are real. I'm not kidding. Good luck figuring out which ones.

Bonus True or False: Three days ago, someone in my bed said the phrase, "Work 'em like their not yours."

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Question: I remember you mentioning one time that you get mad when you're riding a bus because you hate having to listen to people talk. I've been getting that a lot, lately. What's to be done?

Here's almost every conversation.

"Your opinion is wrong. Here's my opinion."
"No, your opinion is wrong. Allow me to restate my opinion."
"Maybe you didn't understand my opinion. It's the right one."
"Just listen. My opinion."

Apparently you have to have a genius level intellect these days to understand the simple concept that opinions don't mean shit. If you're not willing to back up your opinion with reasoning, factual evidence, and personal experience, you're just spewing shit for your own self-aggrandizement or to be a contrarian.

I don't care about your preferences. I care about the story, the details. That's what makes a topic of conversation, and therefore the person involved in said conversation, interesting.

To answer your question, what you should do, what we should all do, is try to talk to people and set a better example. Only that's as exhausting and frustrating as trying to fuck a bum with a half-limp wang.

Earbuds. That's what you do. I am listening to something other than the outside world nearly eighty percent of the time, these days. And the number is climbing. Sure I'm eventually going to get hit by a bus because I'm paying more attention to Joe Rogan and Bill Burr yucking it up it up than to my surroundings, but I choose to believe it's worth it.

Short Answer: Why is that your opinion? How did you come to it? What are the points supporting your position? Too often people claim things are worse than other things, rather than explaining why they have the preference they do. Forgot better and worse. Think of your opinion as the topic sentence, and now you have an essay to write, motherfucker. And if you don't like that, shut the fuck up.

Note: I've said this a million times, and I'm nearly tired of saying it. Conversations are far easier between people when you understand the difference between 'like' and 'good'. I like that movie is a fine thing to say. You don't always have to write an essay. Sometimes you just like a thing. Neat. But if you say, 'that movie isn't good' and I disagree, you'd better be ready for my reasoned argument. And then, you don't get to say some bullshit like, 'Oh, I just go to the movies for fun. I don't think about it that deeply.' Then don't fucking say it wasn't good! That's an indictment of its quality, not your personal opinion. You don't get to say whatever you want, use whatever words you want, and then be annoyed when someone responds negatively to you. You don't get to control my response! Everyone, listen up! You don't get to control anyone's response! Leave people alone and watch your own shit.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Question: Garfoats.

You win.

That's funny. I'll play along - assuming I even get this - but I think you've already done the best one.

Lenartney
Watmour
Jaggards
Chonny
Plage
Nosby
Osrhoads
Bangmem-Christo

Wait, wait, wait...I fucked up! I saw 'Garfoats' and thought 'Garfunkel and Oates', then I thought, right, famous musical duos. But Garfunkel and Oates is a comedy duo! Also, 'oats' is not 'oates', so I could have totally missed the point of this one!

What the fuck do I do now? Figuring out the above musical duos probably wasn't fun for anyone, because the question would've had to have been 'Garmon' or 'Sifunkel' to set the proper precedent.

Short Answer: Bail.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Question: Careful. That's hot.

I feel like I've been directly commenting on the question a lot recently. Is that a habit I'm forming or a commentary on the oddness of the questions?

Shut-up! I answer the questions here.

I tried to think of a way to do one of those stream-of-consciousness lists for this, but I couldn't think of anything funny about hot stuff.

The only way this is funny is if it'a a lady friend of mine who quotes this as I'm reaching out to touch her behind.

"Careful, that's hot," she says, all sexy-like.
Then I'd be all like, "Why? Did you fart?"
She'd say, "What's wrong with you?"
Me: "'Cause a fart shouldn't be hot for long. Do you have a dump brewing?"
"Keith? What's wrong with you?"
"I can wait, I guess, if you need to go. But it's not very arousing knowing you just took a shit."
"I don't have to take a shit."
"Oh. Now you've got me thinking about it, though. When was the last time you did?"
"I don't know. This morning? Why are we talking about this?"
"You brought it up!"
"No, I didn't! I was trying to be sexy!"
"Dumps aren't sexy, babe."
"Get out of my cubicle."

Short Answer: That was kind of a neat way to service the stream-of-consciousness idea. Interesting. After writing 'stream-of-consciousness' for the second time, my brain went to 'cream-of-mushroom soup'. I hate that shit. There are some foods that Campbell's just can't pull off, you know? Gotta make that yourself. Use your own cream. I mean real cream. Dammit.



Thursday, June 22, 2017

Question: How's that butt?

Hmmmm.

Did you do something to my butt?

I'm not sure what the deal is with this question. It might be completely innocuous, but how often is that the case?

I did have a pretty hot butt in High School. That was kind of my thing. Though I didn't participate in many school activities toward the end of my sentence there, I was a little disappointed that I didn't win in the best ass category. (That shit was rigged - some super-popular dude with no ass won.)

So, if it's about that, the answer is: not good. I'm old, now, and part of that butt went away, and a different part got bigger. You might still like it, but that's because your eyes have grown old, too. And sad.

If this was more of a general question: butt's good. Thanks for asking.

Short Answer: I still have a mighty large penis, if this is an inquiry about sexual relations. My tongue is also fluent in puss-and-bottom-work.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Question: Top Ten Stupid Words?

The capitals make it seem like it already exists, like there's no way I can dodge the question...

Fool!

Do you mean words that stupid people say, or words that are used incorrectly, or words that just sound dumb? Maybe I'll try to do a list of each one to illustrate the differences.

Words Stupid People Say/Overuse

10) Basically
9) Junk
8) Essentially
7) Like
6) Listen/Look (when about to make a condescending point: double stupid)
5) Stuff
4) Actually
3) Whole Nother
2) Literally
1) You know

Words That Are Used Incorrectly

10) Nonplussed (means you're bothered)
9) Enormity (means bad, not big)
8) Conversate (not a word)
7) Peruse (means to look in depth)
6) Irregardless (not a word)
5) Effect (or Affect, take your pick)
4) Plethora (means an excess of things, not a lot of things)
3) Compelled (to be forced)
2) Bemused (confused, not amused)
1) Literally (often used instead of figuratively)

Words That Just Sound Dumb

10) Orientate (Why not orient?)
9) Poo (Sounds dumber than poop.)
8) Aggressiveness (Isn't that just aggression?)
7) Juxtaposition (You're looking for the word 'contrast', college student.)
6) Literally (Yes, I put this in every category.)
5) Booger (Maybe it's the two 'O's thing.)
4) Lovemaking (Worst word for that thing.)
3) Actually (I don't think it's possible to sound as dumb as when you say actually for no reason, like you're correcting an opposing opinion that no one has.)
2) Fleek/Cray-Cray/Lit/Woke... (Does this need to be explained? If you think you sound cool, you're beyond hope so don't worry about it. If you think these are dumb, and only you can use them in a cool, ironic way, you're beyond hope, so don't worry about it.)
1) Disingenuous (This is a weird one and needs some explanation. I thought this word meant presenting yourself as if you know something you don't, or know a lot of something that you know little of. Now it seems to be acceptable to use this word more broadly to mean 'not genuine'. Which is arguably still correct, but it sounds strange to me.)

Short Answer: I'm not judgy about this stuff. I'll participate in these conversations because the content is fun, but I completely understand that language is fluid, and the masses win out over our individual senses of right and wrong. I gave in to the nauseous/nauseated thing years ago, because I decided that battle was lost, and I say 'like' all the fuggin' time.

Note:

Correct: (1% of the time)
You look twenty! How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Incorrect: (99% of the time)
How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Question: What movies make you cry?

I'm so sorry to disappoint. I get the feeling you wanted me to list some movies, maybe even do a top ten.

I cry in all the movies all the time. If a movie does a decent job making me care about the characters - which I believe is movie's first and most important job - then I will cry to some degree. If the movie is a heavy drama with relatable struggles, I'll cry multiple times. If a movie is well-made, full of emotion, and full of tragedy, I'll cry the whole time.

To list all the movies that make me cry would be similar to listing all of my favorite films, and that's an undertaking I'm not yet ready for.

I've even been known to cry in specific situations in movies that aren't otherwise very good. Anything about loyalty in a friendship, or love between a father and a son, or the struggle of being an artist, and I'm a leaking like a man recently shot in the bladder.

Short Answer: You know what movies don't make me cry? Movies that are trying to make me cry but don't put in the proper work. Just kidding. Those make me cry, too.

Note: If you want one example, I remember crying so hard at the end of V for Vendetta that when I left the theater I had to hover there for a little while, both to get my composure, and because I didn't want to leave the vicinity of the experience. I think rebellion against authority is a hot-button for my cry-sack.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for twice in your life?

Let's put a stop to this.

You likely know that I answer every question sent to me. This means that you can safely send in a question and know I'm not judging its worth. I may poke fun during the answer, but at least I've given you the respect of taking your participation seriously and including your question on blog.

Yesterday I was asked 'Why don't you be funny for once in your life?" which I of course answered. Today, I'm answering this. If tomorrow, I receive "Why don't you be funny thrice in your life?" I will not be answering.

Though I will be impressed by the inclusion and use of the word 'thrice'.

Seeing that we're on the subject, here's another few questions I won't be answering.

'If you could make up noises for comic books actions, what new ones would you come up with?' - Brrrrunk didn't go over well with Marvel, so I've lost my confidence.

'What color underwear do you underwear?' - I won't answer this for two reasons. A) My underwear color is normal. B) This question is too funny already. I can't make it any better.

'When you have sex with your wife, do you ever film it?' - This is too dumb to think about. You film having sex with your girlfriend, mistress or favorite hooker, not with your wife. Ya idiot.

Short Answer: Have I just answered all those questions despite saying I wouldn't? Yes. Was I just trying to be funny in the first place? Yes. Did I ask myself this question today, turning everything you thought was real on its head? Of course maybe.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for once in your life?

Thanks, Mom.

Tom Arnold.

There. If you don't think having that man dumped into your brain isn't funny, I don't know what is. What the fuck is with that guy, right? I just heard a story about the time he left a fucked-up note on Julia Louis-Dreyfus's car because she parked in his spot, and nothing about the story was surprising. If'd they'd said, "Tom Arnold approached her in the female toilet wearing a clown wig and eating dried barley from a plastic pumpkin, while singing an ode to his own nut sack" I'd be like, "Sounds about right."

Gary Busey.

Jesus christ, Gary Busey. Time to lay into the anti-psychotics like it's two free sides hour at the totally insane buffet. Anyone ever see that show about the dude who just followed Busey around? It's pure madness.

A crocodile contemplating his choices at the drive through.

Writing a spec script for Small Wonder.

Having to follow Roseanne Barr around like you're an elephant poop-cleaner-upper, with a trough and a broom, tidying her continuous flow of detritus. (She was married to Tom Arnold! Married? Can you imagine that shit show? That's gotta be the greatest hits of un-erotic foreplay followed by the Olympics of gross fucking.)

Short Answer: I decided to stop because I've become entangled in this sitcom hell, dominated by images of fat people doing moist, flappy things to one another's fat pockets. Doesn't get much less funny than that. (When I have sex it's like's the pairing of two magnificent stallions. Wait, I mean, there's one stallion and someone's getting railed. Sometimes it's the stallion I guess, but there's a mare present. She's uninterested unless the stallion is squealing, but...it is magnificent, in it's way. And then the stallion cries.)


Saturday, June 17, 2017

Question: Have you been watching the new Twin Peaks? If so, what are your thoughts?

I have.

This prompts me to talk about a few important things.

First, I've been thinking a lot lately about how we consume content, and in particular, what role mood and current life circumstances play in the enjoyment of a thing. I've recently decided that though I'm completely comfortable giving my opinion about a film on first viewing I often have a different opinion upon second viewing. Not just that, but I usually feel that the second viewing is the more informed, having shrugged all of the expectation, hope or fear that one unknowingly brings to a first experience. (Don't get me wrong, I believe that initial reaction still has great value, and think that separating it from our overall opinion after many viewings could create a whole new way of categorizing and discussing film. I'd love to discuss the difference between First Viewing Experience and Official Critique on a more regular basis.)

Having said that, I've noticed a correlation between my current life circumstances and my enjoyment of absurd, strange and challenging content. I've always been partial to look outside the mainstream - Michael Haneke is one of my most cherished creators - but I've hit an all new high this year.

Because of that, the new Twin Peaks is going down oh, so smooth, baby. In fact, I'm enjoying it on such a level that I'm proclaiming, multiple times per episode, the phrase, "This is awesome" with wide-eyed disbelief.

Having said that...this shit's not for everyone. Not even close. I think it's safe to say that if you're a Lynch fan, or even a fan of the approach a man like Lynch takes, you'll enjoy the newest version of Twin Peaks.

Short Answer: I used to believe that I went into movies feeling very level. I thought I'd trained myself to be good at that. This is not the case. This was an illusion. I cried watching Age of Apocalypse and loved it. Second viewing, saw a million problems I hadn't seen the first time. But beyond that, I also believe that a second viewing is truer because it's by definition more informative. Experiencing a thing twice is going to give you more data, and more data equals a truer result. I'm even starting to think movies that have a consistent showing over two or three viewings may deserve a special, incredible film category of their own. (To me, that means they didn't tug at the heartstrings in a prepared, predatory or formulaic way. That, among other things, is one of the discussion I'd like to have moving forward. How some 'good' movies only make you feel by nefarious means. They don't earn the feels; they set them up, like a drunk driving commercial, whereas a great movie makes you care about the characters, and then you feel by relating to them. They earn their emotional reactions. What's the difference? Figuring that out is why the discussion could be fun!)

Note: If you don't know what I'm talking about, I think Pixar is a good example. Some of those movies, man, I don't know...


Friday, June 16, 2017

Question: What would you say to Kurt Cobain?

I find this question funny, because I think one of the main problems Kurt Cobain had was that he didn't really like being famous, and by default, probably didn't want to deal with people recognizing him and bothering him all the time.

So the answer is, I wouldn't say anything to Kurt Cobain.

Short Answer: I suppose if there was a situation where I knew I wasn't bothering him, and it was a casual forum like a tea/cocktail party, and he seemed like he was in a good mood, I might say, "Don't kill yourself?" but with a question-marky sound at the end. Then we'd both laugh, and he'd go kill himself anyway, because no one was going to be able to say the perfect thing to stop it.

Note: Nirvana rules. (The band, not the state of being. Thought that rules too. I know because I'm hella-enlightened.)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Question: Are you British?

No I am not.

Are you British?

(Waits. Remembers how this works.)

Right. I am not British. I'm from Newfoundland, which is about as close to Britain as you can get, except of course for all those colonies where the British imposed themselves on the native population, making every fucker everywhere drink tea.

Seriously, though, NFLD is a whole lot of English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh. And you know what we did when we got together? Very little! We fished until they wouldn't let us, then complained because they couldn't stop us.

That doesn't sound very positive. Just like the British!

Short Answer: Let me see if I've got the British/NFLD connection right. The weather is shitty and we think we're better than you. Yep. Checks out.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Question: What color cars look better in the shade?

Is this part of the ongoing attempt to make me say things that can later be construed as actual racism?

The answer, of course, is black ones!

What the fuck is with this question? It's not quite one of those lyric questions I get once in a while, because those don't alter the lyric. This is some other sort of diabolical pursuit.

So this was a song by Gino Vanelli. For the sake of humour, I often lie, but this time the truth is funnier, so I'll go with that. I didn't know shit about Gino Vanelli. I never much cared for this song. Turns out, this dude won a bunch of Juno awards for 'Promising Male Vocalist' in the seventies. Most interesting thing I learned was that after the success of earlier projects and then this album 'Black Cars', he decided not to tour. He didn't tour for twelve years, when touring might have garnered a tonne of cash and quite possibly increased fame.

Okay, hold on. I'm going to go listen to some of his other shit. Be back in a line break.

Wild Horses is pretty sweet. Forgot that was him. Oh shit, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins just came up! Nothing to do with Gino. Man, that song used to give me an adolescent boner. Anyway, back to Gino.

I see, I see. The 70s stuff is soul-ier. I Just Wanna Stop is pretty badass. I guess this is an example of a talented dude doing soul music who got caught up - and had some success - with the more distinctive sounds of the 80s.

Short Answer: I don't know if it was the point of the question, but we all learned a lot today.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Question: Shirts or skins?

I'm surprised no one has asked me this before. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

I'm definitely a shirts guy, because in most things, you're paying closer attention to the other team than yourself and your own team. This way, you get to see way more nudity.

Well, now I'm already second guessing myself. My first thought was something like volleyball or basketball where you're focused across the net or on your defensive assignment, but I suppose if you were playing, say, baseball, you'd be seeing your own team a lot more. And then there are sports like soccer or rugby where you're kinda seeing everyone the same amount.

I guess my answer is whatever maximizes my ass-seeing fun. I also think we should go shirts or skins on the bottom sometimes. It's a great way to see lots of bits, because t-shirts don't hide things very much, and because you have to tie them around your waist with those little arms they fall off all the time! Unless you try to make a diaper out of your shirt - and succeed - it's a win win in terms of exposed genitals.

My favorite thing is when I'm watching a sport or refereeing a sport, and they go skins-skins, because they're having so much fun. This can be confusing in some sports, but the trade-off is that people having that much don't care about the score anyway, and they bounce around a lot to boot. That's flappy dicks and slappy tits for the win!

Short Answer: Can't go much beyond that whole flappy-slappy thing, can we?

Monday, June 12, 2017

Question: What are some things we don't know about you that would surprise us?

Are you asking this question in a group?

That's pretty weak as 'picking on the question' openers go. I get that you're phrasing your question in such a way that it sounds like there are a community of readers with large enough fandom that it's right to assume they're all interested in me personally.

Thanks, Mom.

I like the movie The Devil Wears Prada.
I used to be an athlete, gifted due to my creativity.
My wife is older than I am.
I wear shoes until they fall apart.
I'm not a fan of people who sing with accents.
I'm bothered by sound.
I don't own a cardigan.
I wish the temperature was always between 16 and 18 degrees centigrade.
I'm sensitive enough that external negativity affects my mood.
I think the word 'darkness' is overused.
I'm programmed to always be editing, even when I'm not writing, so listening to people speak feels like work.
Riding the bus makes me sad.
I have about ten distinctive stress dreams. I'll suffer one approximately once a week.
I remember my page when I put a book down.
I don't like logistics.

Short Answer: As I grow older, my opinions are becoming more fluid, not more rigid as is the norm.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Question: What tastes good?

Soap and lemonade.
Toothpaste and chocolate milk.
Blue cheese and salmon.
Tinfoil and hot sauce.
Marmite and custard.
Horseradish and Corn Pops.
Russian dressing and cantaloupes.
Tomato sauce and banana bread.
Grape flavored gum and sharp cheddar.
White vinegar and cream soda.
Soft-boiled eggs and creme fresh.
Beer and Bailey's.

Short Answer: Socks aren't a food, but, you know...mango socks. (Just realized, this means I think tinfoil is a food. Dammit.)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Question: If an elephant can paint itself, why can't I?

Let me just check on this for a second...

Yep. You're an idiot.

The reason you can't do things is your mom was an alcoholic.
The reason you can't do things is your gene pool consists of many men named Gene.
The reason you can't do things is your mom monstertrucked while you were in the womb.
The reason you can't do things is your mom dropped you on your head while she was enduring subtle but effective emotional abuse from your father.
The reason you can't do things is your real father is a prop comic.
The reason you can't do things is you were so turned around in the womb, your mom had to have a B-section.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's favorite episode of Dallas was the one after JR got shot.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's sperm had lazy eyes.
The reason you can't do things is you were conceived only as an abstraction.
The reason you can't do things is because your mom thought train tracks were laid down by the train as it passed.
The reason you can't do things is your mom was a founding member of the 'punch yourself the pain away' movement.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's penis works like a woodpecker.
The reason you can't do things is all the hairspray.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's womb had shag carpet.

Short Answer: That's about enough of that...is what your mom said after one prenatal class!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Question: Now that the DCEU is flying with Wonder Woman, can we expect Robin? And could you cast him?

I was just thinking about this.

The DC Extended Universe is now a thing, officially, thanks to the success of Wonder Woman. Does that mean it will be good moving forward? Fuck no, but it means that they'll commit to this post Justice League, and in a big way, at least until a Wonder Woman sequel flops.

So, Robin. Assuming we're still getting a solo Batman movie, there's hope for the greatest sidekick in all of comicdom to finally make a proper, respectful appearance.

Here's a list of prospective castings and angles.

Many people think that the way the DCEU is set up, there's already been a Dick Grayson and a Jason Todd. This would be awesome, because then you can easily dive into some Nightwing, some Tim Drake, and some Red Hood.

So, first off, I think of Logan Lerman. I think he'd be a great Tim Drake. Also, there's this dude Dylan Minette who could totally pull it off. But you could go geekier with Tim, so the sky's the limit for young talent out there.

As for Nightwing, my mind always goes to Matt Bomer. He works especially well in this universe where Batman is older. Adam Driver has been rumored, and that would be ridiculous and amazing, but I don't see it happening. Unless it was a solo Nightwing project that he could sink his insane acting chops into.

You could also totally pull of a female Robin in this universe. Already Jena Malone was rumored to be Carrie Kelly, but they could go Stephanie Brown easily, maybe even with someone older. My mind goes to Ana de Armas, though she's perhaps a bit too old. I think she can play it younger, though, and she's got a great look for the Snyder-verse.Of course Anna Kendrik's name gets tossed around for all this shit, from Squirrel Girl to Batgirl, and so I could see them wanting to work her in. Oh, and another of my faves who doesn't get enough play is Teresa Palmer. She could totally be Spoiler/Robin/Batgirl. (Also too old? Maybe?)

Of course they could skip over the rest and go straight to Damian Wayne. That casting is impossible, because there's no way they'll bank on some actual little dude. They'll probably grow him up, and then who know what he'll look like?

Short Answer: Some other randos for Robin or Nightwing include: Dave Franco, Zac Effron, and the oft-mention Joseph Gordon-Levitt, though fuck that last one. He was already Batman. He was. If you didn't get that, you're dumb.


Thursday, June 8, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Live Musical Performances?

I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm not quite sure what this one means. Pretty sure it's not supposed to be, like, Guys and Dolls and shit. It could be favorite 'live' performances, like live albums and maybe even concert movies. It's most likely, I've decided, asking about the best performance I've seen live with my very own glazballs.

Top Ten Live Performances

10) Haywire - This was the first concert I ever went to! I was blown away, with nothing to compare it to. I think it was a pretty good show, in retrospect, especially for a few boys from Prince Edward Island.
9) Motorhead - Lemmy was as advertised. This concert might be higher, except it was by far the loudest concert I ever went to, and undoubtedly fucked up my hearing forever.
8) AC/DC - Another one that didn't disappoint. I've been very lucky over the years to see bands that should totally rock the house, that you want to sound a certain way, and they deliver on both fronts.
7) The Cure - This was a great show, save for the fact that I had to watch the chick in front of me dance the whole time, rather than seeing the stage.
6) Scorpions - Same show as #5, just me and my buddy Dan, pumping our fists to the greatness that is these fuckers. Got to see the drummer break a beer bottle over his head after his fat solo.
5) Motley Crue - Same show as #6 with more female nudity.
4) Grapes of Wrath - A bonding experience between my wife and I, as we both loved these guys when we were younger. I even got to meet them, which is a rare thing, because I hate meetings.
3) Megadeth - I might have listened to this concert sitting in the back with ear plugs in. I blame Motorhead.
2) Metallica - Finally got to see Metallica years after their 'prime'. It was for a concert movie, so they played all of their hits. Awesome.
1) David Bowie - I couldn't have asked for more from Bowie. He wore jeans and a leather jacket, hardly moved from the mic, and delivered each gigantic hit with exacting precision.

Short Answer: Shout out to the kindness of others. Over the years, many shows I've seen have been because a friend came to town and handed me an extra ticket. Either that or my wife refused sex-touching if I didn't accompany her. That's why I went to Glass Tiger, which is playing in the background right now, which is weird.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Question: What are your top ten collaboration songs?

Collaboration means working with someone else, which is far too broad a definition to make a list. I guess what we're looking for here is solo acts with other solo acts? Though bands are in fact people working in collaboration, they have to be excluded, therefore I choose to exclude 'super-groups' as well.

Now, I'll proceed with breaking these rules as necessary.


Favorite Song Collaborations

10) Walk This Way by Aerosmith and Run DMC - Kinda had to be here, right?
9) Hunger Strike by members of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden - Technically these guys were called Temple of the Dog but it can't be a super group because no one knew them yet. Weak defense! Rule broken!
8) The Next Time I Fall by Peter Cetera and Amy Grant - Didn't I tell you to shut up?
7) Young Americans by David Bowie and Various Artists (including Luther Vandross) - I guess I mean the song, but I kind of mean the whole album. For his ninth studio album, Bowie said, "Fuck this, I'm going to Philly," and he did, and worked with many rad dudes to make his soul record.
6) (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - When I was young, I thought I liked Dirty Dancing less than everyone else. Turns out, that fucker keeps popping up on my music lists.
5) Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee - You know, Kiki Dee! The famous one of the pair.
4) Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me by George Michael and Elton John - Ah, shit. George Michael is dead.
3) Say Say Say by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney - Their fallout was legendary, but this came from their partnership.
2) While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles and Eric Clapton - I decided to leave 'guest spots' out of the list, but this is the greatest one ever, if it even qualifies. (Also, to be specific, this is a George Harrison-penned song.)
1) Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie - This has to be at the top of the list because it's one of the best Queen songs and one of the best Bowie songs.

Short Answer: Apparently, hip hop artists collaborate a lot. Who knew?


Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Question: What are the top ten songs of your youth?

Song week continues.

Before I get into it, here's a joke my subconscious came up with this morning;

Q: If you can't remember its name, how are you going to call your dog?
A: Don't worry. It'll come to me.

Youth is a lot of time. Going to try to keep it before my 'pre-taste' years, when I didn't know shit. Say, before the age of ten?

Top Ten Songs of My Youth (Pre-Tween Edition)

10) Mony Mony by Billy Idol - Rocked a lip sync to this pretty hard when I was in grade three.
9) Freedom Overspill by Steve Winwood - Had this compilation tape that I played over and over again in the late 80s. Wish I could remember the name.
8) Foolish Beat by Debbie Gibson - Shut up!
7) Dogs by Pink Floyd - Yea, I got a pretty early start on Floyd. Think I was about nine years old.
6) Perfect Strangers by Deep Purple - That riff felt hard to me at the time. Little did I know that it was Iommi's bag to do that shit.
5) Be My Baby by the Ronettes - Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Used to dance to this with my mom.
4) Let's Hear it for the Boy by Deniece Williams - Footloose soundtrack. Wore this tape out.
3) Your Mama Don't Dance by Poison - A Loggins and Messina song, dressed up for the hair metal age.
2) Nikita by Elton John - This isn't even close to one of my favorite Elton John songs now that I've gone back with some intelligence, but when I was a kid, this shit blew my mind.
1) Excitable by Def Leppard - This was my first true love: Hysteria by Def Leppard in 1997. Becuase there were so many hits, I did that thing were I went to the far side of the album, the second last song, to pick my own personal favorite. Then I played the pants off it. Might have even choreographed a dance...

Short Answer: Wow. This really took me back. Attempting to be truthful dug up some unexpected treasures.

Honorable Mentions: Under Your Spell by Candi and the Backbeat, Is This Love by Whitesnake, Dance Desire by Haywire, Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, Faith by George Michael.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Queen songs?

Shaping up to be song list week.

I like to think that Queen is everyone's de facto second favorite band, because they're always in the best band ever conversation, but somehow always a bridesmaid. I love Queen.

That's enough of a preamble.

Top Ten Queen Songs

10) Who Wants to Live Forever
9) I'm Going Slightly Mad
8) The Show Must Go On
7) I Want to Break Free
6) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Somebody to Love
4) You're My Best Friend
3) Under Pressure
2) Crazy Little Thing Called Love
1) Killer Queen

Short Answer: As you can imagine, too many great songs to bother with honorable mentions. That's the mark of being one of the greatest bands of all time. Someone else's list may be seventy percent different. (Also, though I've said it before, I'd like to point out that Killer Queen is one of my top ten favorite songs of all time.)

Note: Just for fun, and to prove a point about Queen's Greatness, I'm going to do a B-List. (I guess this is just 20-11, but that's not as fun.)

Top Ten Queen Songs - the B-List!

10) Don't Stop Me Now
9) We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions
8) Keep Yourself Alive
7) Bicycle Race
6) Radio Ga Ga
5) Princes of the Universe
4) Flash's Theme
3) Another One Bites the Dust
2) Fat Bottomed Girls
1) I Want it All