Friday, June 23, 2017

Question: Careful. That's hot.

I feel like I've been directly commenting on the question a lot recently. Is that a habit I'm forming or a commentary on the oddness of the questions?

Shut-up! I answer the questions here.

I tried to think of a way to do one of those stream-of-consciousness lists for this, but I couldn't think of anything funny about hot stuff.

The only way this is funny is if it'a a lady friend of mine who quotes this as I'm reaching out to touch her behind.

"Careful, that's hot," she says, all sexy-like.
Then I'd be all like, "Why? Did you fart?"
She'd say, "What's wrong with you?"
Me: "'Cause a fart shouldn't be hot for long. Do you have a dump brewing?"
"Keith? What's wrong with you?"
"I can wait, I guess, if you need to go. But it's not very arousing knowing you just took a shit."
"I don't have to take a shit."
"Oh. Now you've got me thinking about it, though. When was the last time you did?"
"I don't know. This morning? Why are we talking about this?"
"You brought it up!"
"No, I didn't! I was trying to be sexy!"
"Dumps aren't sexy, babe."
"Get out of my cubicle."

Short Answer: That was kind of a neat way to service the stream-of-consciousness idea. Interesting. After writing 'stream-of-consciousness' for the second time, my brain went to 'cream-of-mushroom soup'. I hate that shit. There are some foods that Campbell's just can't pull off, you know? Gotta make that yourself. Use your own cream. I mean real cream. Dammit.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Question: How's that butt?


Did you do something to my butt?

I'm not sure what the deal is with this question. It might be completely innocuous, but how often is that the case?

I did have a pretty hot butt in High School. That was kind of my thing. Though I didn't participate in many school activities toward the end of my sentence there, I was a little disappointed that I didn't win in the best ass category. (That shit was rigged - some super-popular dude with no ass won.)

So, if it's about that, the answer is: not good. I'm old, now, and part of that butt went away, and a different part got bigger. You might still like it, but that's because your eyes have grown old, too. And sad.

If this was more of a general question: butt's good. Thanks for asking.

Short Answer: I still have a mighty large penis, if this is an inquiry about sexual relations. My tongue is also fluent in puss-and-bottom-work.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Question: Top Ten Stupid Words?

The capitals make it seem like it already exists, like there's no way I can dodge the question...


Do you mean words that stupid people say, or words that are used incorrectly, or words that just sound dumb? Maybe I'll try to do a list of each one to illustrate the differences.

Words Stupid People Say/Overuse

10) Basically
9) Junk
8) Essentially
7) Like
6) Listen/Look (when about to make a condescending point: double stupid)
5) Stuff
4) Actually
3) Whole Nother
2) Literally
1) You know

Words That Are Used Incorrectly

10) Nonplussed (means you're bothered)
9) Enormity (means bad, not big)
8) Conversate (not a word)
7) Peruse (means to look in depth)
6) Irregardless (not a word)
5) Effect (or Affect, take your pick)
4) Plethora (means an excess of things, not a lot of things)
3) Compelled (to be forced)
2) Bemused (confused, not amused)
1) Literally (often used instead of figuratively)

Words That Just Sound Dumb

10) Orientate (Why not orient?)
9) Poo (Sounds dumber than poop.)
8) Aggressiveness (Isn't that just aggression?)
7) Juxtaposition (You're looking for the word 'contrast', college student.)
6) Literally (Yes, I put this in every category.)
5) Booger (Maybe it's the two 'O's thing.)
4) Lovemaking (Worst word for that thing.)
3) Actually (I don't think it's possible to sound as dumb as when you say actually for no reason, like you're correcting an opposing opinion that no one has.)
2) Fleek/Cray-Cray/Lit/Woke... (Does this need to be explained? If you think you sound cool, you're beyond hope so don't worry about it. If you think these are dumb, and only you can use them in a cool, ironic way, you're beyond hope, so don't worry about it.)
1) Disingenuous (This is a weird one and needs some explanation. I thought this word meant presenting yourself as if you know something you don't, or know a lot of something that you know little of. Now it seems to be acceptable to use this word more broadly to mean 'not genuine'. Which is arguably still correct, but it sounds strange to me.)

Short Answer: I'm not judgy about this stuff. I'll participate in these conversations because the content is fun, but I completely understand that language is fluid, and the masses win out over our individual senses of right and wrong. I gave in to the nauseous/nauseated thing years ago, because I decided that battle was lost, and I say 'like' all the fuggin' time.


Correct: (1% of the time)
You look twenty! How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Incorrect: (99% of the time)
How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Question: What movies make you cry?

I'm so sorry to disappoint. I get the feeling you wanted me to list some movies, maybe even do a top ten.

I cry in all the movies all the time. If a movie does a decent job making me care about the characters - which I believe is movie's first and most important job - then I will cry to some degree. If the movie is a heavy drama with relatable struggles, I'll cry multiple times. If a movie is well-made, full of emotion, and full of tragedy, I'll cry the whole time.

To list all the movies that make me cry would be similar to listing all of my favorite films, and that's an undertaking I'm not yet ready for.

I've even been known to cry in specific situations in movies that aren't otherwise very good. Anything about loyalty in a friendship, or love between a father and a son, or the struggle of being an artist, and I'm a leaking like a man recently shot in the bladder.

Short Answer: You know what movies don't make me cry? Movies that are trying to make me cry but don't put in the proper work. Just kidding. Those make me cry, too.

Note: If you want one example, I remember crying so hard at the end of V for Vendetta that when I left the theater I had to hover there for a little while, both to get my composure, and because I didn't want to leave the vicinity of the experience. I think rebellion against authority is a hot-button for my cry-sack.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for twice in your life?

Let's put a stop to this.

You likely know that I answer every question sent to me. This means that you can safely send in a question and know I'm not judging its worth. I may poke fun during the answer, but at least I've given you the respect of taking your participation seriously and including your question on blog.

Yesterday I was asked 'Why don't you be funny for once in your life?" which I of course answered. Today, I'm answering this. If tomorrow, I receive "Why don't you be funny thrice in your life?" I will not be answering.

Though I will be impressed by the inclusion and use of the word 'thrice'.

Seeing that we're on the subject, here's another few questions I won't be answering.

'If you could make up noises for comic books actions, what new ones would you come up with?' - Brrrrunk didn't go over well with Marvel, so I've lost my confidence.

'What color underwear do you underwear?' - I won't answer this for two reasons. A) My underwear color is normal. B) This question is too funny already. I can't make it any better.

'When you have sex with your wife, do you ever film it?' - This is too dumb to think about. You film having sex with your girlfriend, mistress or favorite hooker, not with your wife. Ya idiot.

Short Answer: Have I just answered all those questions despite saying I wouldn't? Yes. Was I just trying to be funny in the first place? Yes. Did I ask myself this question today, turning everything you thought was real on its head? Of course maybe.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for once in your life?

Thanks, Mom.

Tom Arnold.

There. If you don't think having that man dumped into your brain isn't funny, I don't know what is. What the fuck is with that guy, right? I just heard a story about the time he left a fucked-up note on Julia Louis-Dreyfus's car because she parked in his spot, and nothing about the story was surprising. If'd they'd said, "Tom Arnold approached her in the female toilet wearing a clown wig and eating dried barley from a plastic pumpkin, while singing an ode to his own nut sack" I'd be like, "Sounds about right."

Gary Busey.

Jesus christ, Gary Busey. Time to lay into the anti-psychotics like it's two free sides hour at the totally insane buffet. Anyone ever see that show about the dude who just followed Busey around? It's pure madness.

A crocodile contemplating his choices at the drive through.

Writing a spec script for Small Wonder.

Having to follow Roseanne Barr around like you're an elephant poop-cleaner-upper, with a trough and a broom, tidying her continuous flow of detritus. (She was married to Tom Arnold! Married? Can you imagine that shit show? That's gotta be the greatest hits of un-erotic foreplay followed by the Olympics of gross fucking.)

Short Answer: I decided to stop because I've become entangled in this sitcom hell, dominated by images of fat people doing moist, flappy things to one another's fat pockets. Doesn't get much less funny than that. (When I have sex it's like's the pairing of two magnificent stallions. Wait, I mean, there's one stallion and someone's getting railed. Sometimes it's the stallion I guess, but there's a mare present. She's uninterested unless the stallion is squealing, is magnificent, in it's way. And then the stallion cries.)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Question: Have you been watching the new Twin Peaks? If so, what are your thoughts?

I have.

This prompts me to talk about a few important things.

First, I've been thinking a lot lately about how we consume content, and in particular, what role mood and current life circumstances play in the enjoyment of a thing. I've recently decided that though I'm completely comfortable giving my opinion about a film on first viewing I often have a different opinion upon second viewing. Not just that, but I usually feel that the second viewing is the more informed, having shrugged all of the expectation, hope or fear that one unknowingly brings to a first experience. (Don't get me wrong, I believe that initial reaction still has great value, and think that separating it from our overall opinion after many viewings could create a whole new way of categorizing and discussing film. I'd love to discuss the difference between First Viewing Experience and Official Critique on a more regular basis.)

Having said that, I've noticed a correlation between my current life circumstances and my enjoyment of absurd, strange and challenging content. I've always been partial to look outside the mainstream - Michael Haneke is one of my most cherished creators - but I've hit an all new high this year.

Because of that, the new Twin Peaks is going down oh, so smooth, baby. In fact, I'm enjoying it on such a level that I'm proclaiming, multiple times per episode, the phrase, "This is awesome" with wide-eyed disbelief.

Having said that...this shit's not for everyone. Not even close. I think it's safe to say that if you're a Lynch fan, or even a fan of the approach a man like Lynch takes, you'll enjoy the newest version of Twin Peaks.

Short Answer: I used to believe that I went into movies feeling very level. I thought I'd trained myself to be good at that. This is not the case. This was an illusion. I cried watching Age of Apocalypse and loved it. Second viewing, saw a million problems I hadn't seen the first time. But beyond that, I also believe that a second viewing is truer because it's by definition more informative. Experiencing a thing twice is going to give you more data, and more data equals a truer result. I'm even starting to think movies that have a consistent showing over two or three viewings may deserve a special, incredible film category of their own. (To me, that means they didn't tug at the heartstrings in a prepared, predatory or formulaic way. That, among other things, is one of the discussion I'd like to have moving forward. How some 'good' movies only make you feel by nefarious means. They don't earn the feels; they set them up, like a drunk driving commercial, whereas a great movie makes you care about the characters, and then you feel by relating to them. They earn their emotional reactions. What's the difference? Figuring that out is why the discussion could be fun!)

Note: If you don't know what I'm talking about, I think Pixar is a good example. Some of those movies, man, I don't know...

Friday, June 16, 2017

Question: What would you say to Kurt Cobain?

I find this question funny, because I think one of the main problems Kurt Cobain had was that he didn't really like being famous, and by default, probably didn't want to deal with people recognizing him and bothering him all the time.

So the answer is, I wouldn't say anything to Kurt Cobain.

Short Answer: I suppose if there was a situation where I knew I wasn't bothering him, and it was a casual forum like a tea/cocktail party, and he seemed like he was in a good mood, I might say, "Don't kill yourself?" but with a question-marky sound at the end. Then we'd both laugh, and he'd go kill himself anyway, because no one was going to be able to say the perfect thing to stop it.

Note: Nirvana rules. (The band, not the state of being. Thought that rules too. I know because I'm hella-enlightened.)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Question: Are you British?

No I am not.

Are you British?

(Waits. Remembers how this works.)

Right. I am not British. I'm from Newfoundland, which is about as close to Britain as you can get, except of course for all those colonies where the British imposed themselves on the native population, making every fucker everywhere drink tea.

Seriously, though, NFLD is a whole lot of English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh. And you know what we did when we got together? Very little! We fished until they wouldn't let us, then complained because they couldn't stop us.

That doesn't sound very positive. Just like the British!

Short Answer: Let me see if I've got the British/NFLD connection right. The weather is shitty and we think we're better than you. Yep. Checks out.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Question: What color cars look better in the shade?

Is this part of the ongoing attempt to make me say things that can later be construed as actual racism?

The answer, of course, is black ones!

What the fuck is with this question? It's not quite one of those lyric questions I get once in a while, because those don't alter the lyric. This is some other sort of diabolical pursuit.

So this was a song by Gino Vanelli. For the sake of humour, I often lie, but this time the truth is funnier, so I'll go with that. I didn't know shit about Gino Vanelli. I never much cared for this song. Turns out, this dude won a bunch of Juno awards for 'Promising Male Vocalist' in the seventies. Most interesting thing I learned was that after the success of earlier projects and then this album 'Black Cars', he decided not to tour. He didn't tour for twelve years, when touring might have garnered a tonne of cash and quite possibly increased fame.

Okay, hold on. I'm going to go listen to some of his other shit. Be back in a line break.

Wild Horses is pretty sweet. Forgot that was him. Oh shit, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins just came up! Nothing to do with Gino. Man, that song used to give me an adolescent boner. Anyway, back to Gino.

I see, I see. The 70s stuff is soul-ier. I Just Wanna Stop is pretty badass. I guess this is an example of a talented dude doing soul music who got caught up - and had some success - with the more distinctive sounds of the 80s.

Short Answer: I don't know if it was the point of the question, but we all learned a lot today.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Question: Shirts or skins?

I'm surprised no one has asked me this before. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

I'm definitely a shirts guy, because in most things, you're paying closer attention to the other team than yourself and your own team. This way, you get to see way more nudity.

Well, now I'm already second guessing myself. My first thought was something like volleyball or basketball where you're focused across the net or on your defensive assignment, but I suppose if you were playing, say, baseball, you'd be seeing your own team a lot more. And then there are sports like soccer or rugby where you're kinda seeing everyone the same amount.

I guess my answer is whatever maximizes my ass-seeing fun. I also think we should go shirts or skins on the bottom sometimes. It's a great way to see lots of bits, because t-shirts don't hide things very much, and because you have to tie them around your waist with those little arms they fall off all the time! Unless you try to make a diaper out of your shirt - and succeed - it's a win win in terms of exposed genitals.

My favorite thing is when I'm watching a sport or refereeing a sport, and they go skins-skins, because they're having so much fun. This can be confusing in some sports, but the trade-off is that people having that much don't care about the score anyway, and they bounce around a lot to boot. That's flappy dicks and slappy tits for the win!

Short Answer: Can't go much beyond that whole flappy-slappy thing, can we?

Monday, June 12, 2017

Question: What are some things we don't know about you that would surprise us?

Are you asking this question in a group?

That's pretty weak as 'picking on the question' openers go. I get that you're phrasing your question in such a way that it sounds like there are a community of readers with large enough fandom that it's right to assume they're all interested in me personally.

Thanks, Mom.

I like the movie The Devil Wears Prada.
I used to be an athlete, gifted due to my creativity.
My wife is older than I am.
I wear shoes until they fall apart.
I'm not a fan of people who sing with accents.
I'm bothered by sound.
I don't own a cardigan.
I wish the temperature was always between 16 and 18 degrees centigrade.
I'm sensitive enough that external negativity affects my mood.
I think the word 'darkness' is overused.
I'm programmed to always be editing, even when I'm not writing, so listening to people speak feels like work.
Riding the bus makes me sad.
I have about ten distinctive stress dreams. I'll suffer one approximately once a week.
I remember my page when I put a book down.
I don't like logistics.

Short Answer: As I grow older, my opinions are becoming more fluid, not more rigid as is the norm.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Question: What tastes good?

Soap and lemonade.
Toothpaste and chocolate milk.
Blue cheese and salmon.
Tinfoil and hot sauce.
Marmite and custard.
Horseradish and Corn Pops.
Russian dressing and cantaloupes.
Tomato sauce and banana bread.
Grape flavored gum and sharp cheddar.
White vinegar and cream soda.
Soft-boiled eggs and creme fresh.
Beer and Bailey's.

Short Answer: Socks aren't a food, but, you socks. (Just realized, this means I think tinfoil is a food. Dammit.)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Question: If an elephant can paint itself, why can't I?

Let me just check on this for a second...

Yep. You're an idiot.

The reason you can't do things is your mom was an alcoholic.
The reason you can't do things is your gene pool consists of many men named Gene.
The reason you can't do things is your mom monstertrucked while you were in the womb.
The reason you can't do things is your mom dropped you on your head while she was enduring subtle but effective emotional abuse from your father.
The reason you can't do things is your real father is a prop comic.
The reason you can't do things is you were so turned around in the womb, your mom had to have a B-section.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's favorite episode of Dallas was the one after JR got shot.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's sperm had lazy eyes.
The reason you can't do things is you were conceived only as an abstraction.
The reason you can't do things is because your mom thought train tracks were laid down by the train as it passed.
The reason you can't do things is your mom was a founding member of the 'punch yourself the pain away' movement.
The reason you can't do things is your dad's penis works like a woodpecker.
The reason you can't do things is all the hairspray.
The reason you can't do things is your mom's womb had shag carpet.

Short Answer: That's about enough of what your mom said after one prenatal class!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Question: Now that the DCEU is flying with Wonder Woman, can we expect Robin? And could you cast him?

I was just thinking about this.

The DC Extended Universe is now a thing, officially, thanks to the success of Wonder Woman. Does that mean it will be good moving forward? Fuck no, but it means that they'll commit to this post Justice League, and in a big way, at least until a Wonder Woman sequel flops.

So, Robin. Assuming we're still getting a solo Batman movie, there's hope for the greatest sidekick in all of comicdom to finally make a proper, respectful appearance.

Here's a list of prospective castings and angles.

Many people think that the way the DCEU is set up, there's already been a Dick Grayson and a Jason Todd. This would be awesome, because then you can easily dive into some Nightwing, some Tim Drake, and some Red Hood.

So, first off, I think of Logan Lerman. I think he'd be a great Tim Drake. Also, there's this dude Dylan Minette who could totally pull it off. But you could go geekier with Tim, so the sky's the limit for young talent out there.

As for Nightwing, my mind always goes to Matt Bomer. He works especially well in this universe where Batman is older. Adam Driver has been rumored, and that would be ridiculous and amazing, but I don't see it happening. Unless it was a solo Nightwing project that he could sink his insane acting chops into.

You could also totally pull of a female Robin in this universe. Already Jena Malone was rumored to be Carrie Kelly, but they could go Stephanie Brown easily, maybe even with someone older. My mind goes to Ana de Armas, though she's perhaps a bit too old. I think she can play it younger, though, and she's got a great look for the Snyder-verse.Of course Anna Kendrik's name gets tossed around for all this shit, from Squirrel Girl to Batgirl, and so I could see them wanting to work her in. Oh, and another of my faves who doesn't get enough play is Teresa Palmer. She could totally be Spoiler/Robin/Batgirl. (Also too old? Maybe?)

Of course they could skip over the rest and go straight to Damian Wayne. That casting is impossible, because there's no way they'll bank on some actual little dude. They'll probably grow him up, and then who know what he'll look like?

Short Answer: Some other randos for Robin or Nightwing include: Dave Franco, Zac Effron, and the oft-mention Joseph Gordon-Levitt, though fuck that last one. He was already Batman. He was. If you didn't get that, you're dumb.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Live Musical Performances?

I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm not quite sure what this one means. Pretty sure it's not supposed to be, like, Guys and Dolls and shit. It could be favorite 'live' performances, like live albums and maybe even concert movies. It's most likely, I've decided, asking about the best performance I've seen live with my very own glazballs.

Top Ten Live Performances

10) Haywire - This was the first concert I ever went to! I was blown away, with nothing to compare it to. I think it was a pretty good show, in retrospect, especially for a few boys from Prince Edward Island.
9) Motorhead - Lemmy was as advertised. This concert might be higher, except it was by far the loudest concert I ever went to, and undoubtedly fucked up my hearing forever.
8) AC/DC - Another one that didn't disappoint. I've been very lucky over the years to see bands that should totally rock the house, that you want to sound a certain way, and they deliver on both fronts.
7) The Cure - This was a great show, save for the fact that I had to watch the chick in front of me dance the whole time, rather than seeing the stage.
6) Scorpions - Same show as #5, just me and my buddy Dan, pumping our fists to the greatness that is these fuckers. Got to see the drummer break a beer bottle over his head after his fat solo.
5) Motley Crue - Same show as #6 with more female nudity.
4) Grapes of Wrath - A bonding experience between my wife and I, as we both loved these guys when we were younger. I even got to meet them, which is a rare thing, because I hate meetings.
3) Megadeth - I might have listened to this concert sitting in the back with ear plugs in. I blame Motorhead.
2) Metallica - Finally got to see Metallica years after their 'prime'. It was for a concert movie, so they played all of their hits. Awesome.
1) David Bowie - I couldn't have asked for more from Bowie. He wore jeans and a leather jacket, hardly moved from the mic, and delivered each gigantic hit with exacting precision.

Short Answer: Shout out to the kindness of others. Over the years, many shows I've seen have been because a friend came to town and handed me an extra ticket. Either that or my wife refused sex-touching if I didn't accompany her. That's why I went to Glass Tiger, which is playing in the background right now, which is weird.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Question: What are your top ten collaboration songs?

Collaboration means working with someone else, which is far too broad a definition to make a list. I guess what we're looking for here is solo acts with other solo acts? Though bands are in fact people working in collaboration, they have to be excluded, therefore I choose to exclude 'super-groups' as well.

Now, I'll proceed with breaking these rules as necessary.

Favorite Song Collaborations

10) Walk This Way by Aerosmith and Run DMC - Kinda had to be here, right?
9) Hunger Strike by members of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden - Technically these guys were called Temple of the Dog but it can't be a super group because no one knew them yet. Weak defense! Rule broken!
8) The Next Time I Fall by Peter Cetera and Amy Grant - Didn't I tell you to shut up?
7) Young Americans by David Bowie and Various Artists (including Luther Vandross) - I guess I mean the song, but I kind of mean the whole album. For his ninth studio album, Bowie said, "Fuck this, I'm going to Philly," and he did, and worked with many rad dudes to make his soul record.
6) (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - When I was young, I thought I liked Dirty Dancing less than everyone else. Turns out, that fucker keeps popping up on my music lists.
5) Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee - You know, Kiki Dee! The famous one of the pair.
4) Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me by George Michael and Elton John - Ah, shit. George Michael is dead.
3) Say Say Say by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney - Their fallout was legendary, but this came from their partnership.
2) While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles and Eric Clapton - I decided to leave 'guest spots' out of the list, but this is the greatest one ever, if it even qualifies. (Also, to be specific, this is a George Harrison-penned song.)
1) Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie - This has to be at the top of the list because it's one of the best Queen songs and one of the best Bowie songs.

Short Answer: Apparently, hip hop artists collaborate a lot. Who knew?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Question: What are the top ten songs of your youth?

Song week continues.

Before I get into it, here's a joke my subconscious came up with this morning;

Q: If you can't remember its name, how are you going to call your dog?
A: Don't worry. It'll come to me.

Youth is a lot of time. Going to try to keep it before my 'pre-taste' years, when I didn't know shit. Say, before the age of ten?

Top Ten Songs of My Youth (Pre-Tween Edition)

10) Mony Mony by Billy Idol - Rocked a lip sync to this pretty hard when I was in grade three.
9) Freedom Overspill by Steve Winwood - Had this compilation tape that I played over and over again in the late 80s. Wish I could remember the name.
8) Foolish Beat by Debbie Gibson - Shut up!
7) Dogs by Pink Floyd - Yea, I got a pretty early start on Floyd. Think I was about nine years old.
6) Perfect Strangers by Deep Purple - That riff felt hard to me at the time. Little did I know that it was Iommi's bag to do that shit.
5) Be My Baby by the Ronettes - Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Used to dance to this with my mom.
4) Let's Hear it for the Boy by Deniece Williams - Footloose soundtrack. Wore this tape out.
3) Your Mama Don't Dance by Poison - A Loggins and Messina song, dressed up for the hair metal age.
2) Nikita by Elton John - This isn't even close to one of my favorite Elton John songs now that I've gone back with some intelligence, but when I was a kid, this shit blew my mind.
1) Excitable by Def Leppard - This was my first true love: Hysteria by Def Leppard in 1997. Becuase there were so many hits, I did that thing were I went to the far side of the album, the second last song, to pick my own personal favorite. Then I played the pants off it. Might have even choreographed a dance...

Short Answer: Wow. This really took me back. Attempting to be truthful dug up some unexpected treasures.

Honorable Mentions: Under Your Spell by Candi and the Backbeat, Is This Love by Whitesnake, Dance Desire by Haywire, Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, Faith by George Michael.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Question: What are your top ten Queen songs?

Shaping up to be song list week.

I like to think that Queen is everyone's de facto second favorite band, because they're always in the best band ever conversation, but somehow always a bridesmaid. I love Queen.

That's enough of a preamble.

Top Ten Queen Songs

10) Who Wants to Live Forever
9) I'm Going Slightly Mad
8) The Show Must Go On
7) I Want to Break Free
6) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Somebody to Love
4) You're My Best Friend
3) Under Pressure
2) Crazy Little Thing Called Love
1) Killer Queen

Short Answer: As you can imagine, too many great songs to bother with honorable mentions. That's the mark of being one of the greatest bands of all time. Someone else's list may be seventy percent different. (Also, though I've said it before, I'd like to point out that Killer Queen is one of my top ten favorite songs of all time.)

Note: Just for fun, and to prove a point about Queen's Greatness, I'm going to do a B-List. (I guess this is just 20-11, but that's not as fun.)

Top Ten Queen Songs - the B-List!

10) Don't Stop Me Now
9) We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions
8) Keep Yourself Alive
7) Bicycle Race
6) Radio Ga Ga
5) Princes of the Universe
4) Flash's Theme
3) Another One Bites the Dust
2) Fat Bottomed Girls
1) I Want it All

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Question: What are the top ten Chris Cornell songs, Ask Keith Anything (personal favourites edition)?

That was fast.

Gonna go with ones he performed or covered, as well as originals.

Fuck, there's too many. Maybe a Soundgarden list, then a Cornell list?

Top Ten Chris Cornell w/Soundgarden Songs

10) Been Away Too Long (King Animal)
9) Let Me Drown (Superunknown)
8) Black Hole Sun (Superunknown)
7) Burden in My Hand (Down on the Upside)
6) Head Down (Superunknown)
5) Slaves and Bulldozers (Badmotorfinger)
4) Rusty Cage (Badmotorfinger)
3) Fell on Black Days (Superunknown)
2) Outshined (Badmotorfinger)
1) Jesus Christ Pose (Badmotorfinger)

Top Ten Chris Cornell Songs (My Personal Faves/Performances)

10) Cochise ( w/Audioslave)
9) Redemption Song (Bob Marley cover)
8) Like a Stone (w/Audioslave or unplugged solo)
7) One (U2 music w/Metallica lyrics)
6) You Know My Name (Bond theme from Casino Royale)
5) Fell on Black Days (acoustic Soundgarden song)
4) Call Me a Dog (w/Temple of the Dog or unplugged solo)
3) Seasons (Singles Soundtrack)
2) Hunger Strike (w/Temple of the Dog)
1) Nothing Compares 2 U (Prince cover)

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Billie Jean (Michael Jackson cover), Mission 2000 (from Mission Impossible:2), Blow Up the Outside World (Down on the Upside), Live to Rise (Avengers Soundtrack), Better Man (Pearl Jam cover), everything else on Superunknown and Badmotorfinger.

Note: I ended up omitting his entire solo catalog. It's too much, and needs its own dedicated list. If you believe, as I do, that there was quality in everything he did, go check those albums out.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Question: I like when you do song lists, and I actually DO look up the songs and listen to them in a row! (I'm a pretty big fan.) Can you do a new list for me? Loves ya!

Way to sign that like you were a kid writing in a year book. Loves ya! Have a great summer! Drink lots!

That's what I do, folks. I take a nice, sweet, genuine question from a fan, and I make fun of it. If that's not why you like this shit, I don't know from nothin'.

I do appreciate the sentiment, and I love that you actually listen to the lists. I just wish you'd given me more of a prompt. Looking back over all my music lists, I see that I've covered a lot of ground, from funerals, to pooping, to riding home in the car with your mom. Maybe I can extrapolate a list from your question...

There aren't a lot of great 'list' songs, and Kiss On My List by Hall & Oates wins pants down, anyway. How about new things? Nah, that's comin' up a bit of a bust, too. Loves too broad a topic, there's not enough 'DO' songs. Shit. I'm at a loss.

I guess I could just take on board that you wanted me to do whatever I'm in the mood to do.

But you're not going to like it...

Top Ten Songs I Listened to Recently

(That's right, fuckers! Literally the least amount of work I could possibly do!)

10) The Stone Roses - Fool's Gold
9) FM Attack - Magic
8) Sam Smith - Writing's On the Wall
7) Metallica - Here Comes Revenge
6) Selena Gomez - Love You Like a Love Song
5) Tame Impala - The Less I Know the Better
4) Apocalyptica - Wherever I May Roam
3) Muse - Reapers
2) Wham! - Careless Whisper
1) Soundgarden - Jesus Christ Pose

Short Answer: Should've probably done a Chris Cornell list. Let me know if you'd like to see that.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Question: Have you seen Wonder Woman yet?

Jesus Christ, it's only been out for one day!

Yes, I've seen it.

I'm not going to give a review, not today. It's too early. I want people to have a chance to see it before I unintentionally spoil something.

In fact if you've read this far, you're probably stupid. Why are you taking the risk? What if I let something slip?

Like...there are muppets in it!

Short Answer: There are no muppets in it. (Technically, also a spoiler.)

Note; Because this answer sucked, let me extrapolate. I love the character of Wonder Woman! I think she's awesome. And I think it's awesome that a woman directed her movie. And I think there are lots of good things going on. So be happy!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Question: How high does a colour have to count before it can change shape?

What a way to start off a new month here on Ask Keith Anything. Those drugs are good; pass them over. I'm assuming a bag of mushrooms, or maybe a bag of glue, or possibly a bag of shitbat nuts.

There's so much to unpack, here. First of all, let's address what this question supposes. That, 1) colours (not american 'colors') can count. 2) Colours can change shape. 3) Colours have a shape. 4) Counting high enough makes something change its shape.

Let's assume some to all of these statements are true. So the hypothesis is: things can count high enough to alter their physical appearance. Okay? Now because we don't see this happening in nature all that often (shut-up, cuttlefish), my assumption is that you have to count very, very high. I'm also going to theorize that on the scale of 'shit happening when you count' changing your shape is far beyond some of the other things that can happen. Here's my best guess.

Counting to one million: Crisis of identity/faith/preference.
Counting to one hundred million: Spontaneous combustion.
Counting to a billion: Change of political affiliation.
Counting to one hundred billion: Altering your very molecular structure so as to appear different to others.
Counting to a trillion: Kaitlyn Jenner

All right, all right! That's a cheap shot. But I never got in on that whole thing. I really didn't know where the humour was (except what South Park did with her), and I just found it, it just happened. I swear it.

Not bad, though, right? You know she read for Superman? Even put on the cape and tights? There's funny in there, whether you like it or not. Many of her political beliefs are unpalatable! Right?

Short Answer: My assumption is that a color doesn't have the capacity to count overly long or high. Their lifespan alone would keep them from ever doing anything more than the crisis of identity. So I guess what I'm saying, drug-addled reader, is that with great effort, a color can change its color. But not its stripes! Ha! See what I did there? Kaitlyn Jenner.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Question: Can you hula hoop?

I think anyone with co-ordination can hula hoop. That's not to say that I don't look like a recently caught fish trying to learn the samba when I'm doing it.

How do I extrapolate on that terrific answer?

Ever seen a kid try to hula hoop? They're super dumb. Man, I hate kids.

Short Answer: This took a dark turn. I'm out.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Question: What would it be like if an octopus was a human?

I can't quite tell what's wrong with this question. It's subtle. Maybe a second-language issue? Or maybe - just maybe - we've got an octopus out there masquerading as a human!

Fuck you, ya dirty octopus!

I'm not sure which angle is the correct one. Are we talking a human with octopus traits and/or parts, or is it the other way around?

Like, is it a human with oily poops, or an octopus with a taste for genocide?
Is it a human that can squeeze through a small hole (as long as his beak fits through), or an octopus with a favorite Baskin Robbins flavor?
Is it a human with four extra limbs, or an octopus who lost half of his in a terrible watermine accident?

I guess a human octopus would be incredible at killing, whereas an octopus human would be better at drowning.

That pretty much sums it up.

Short Answer: Anime would be very popular in either scenario.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Question: Do you pick scabs off?

I knew I'd addressed this before:

I think that about covers it.

Short Answer: Oh, right. Do I do it? Not really. Wait, do you want me to pick your scab off? Fuck no! Well, maybe. How much?

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Question: Tell me a joke, Keithy?

Jesus. You send one group email wherein you refer to yourself as Keithy...

Here's a joke I just made-up the other night: Your mama's so fat, she goes to great widths to avoid things.

Now I have to do that thing where I make up a new joke on the spot. Here goes: Your mama's so ugly, she has to wear a Clint Howard mask in public.

That's not bad. Let's go once more: Your mama's so stupid, she thought Bill Nye was an actual science guy.

Oh. That's just mean! Now I feel a bit bad. I've been listening to a lot of smart people talk big ideas, recently, and it was revealed to me that Bill Nye's credentials are quite meager compared to many other science activists and advocates. I don't know the guy, and my instinct is that despite his education, it's good that he's out there promoting science. Maybe he shouldn't be the poster boy for debate and scientific discussion, but...what do I know? Listening to experts teaches you one thing; you ain't no expert.

Fooled you! Ask Keith Anything knows all! The facade wasn't dropped in the slightest! That wasn't a peek into Keithy's real life. How dare you think I wasn't playing a prank on you! You turds!

Short Answer: Your answer was so short, the person who asked the question was all like, "Is it in, yet?" Burn on Keithy!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Question: Which musical would best describe your life?

I'm so sorry to do this to you.

I was about to do a bunch of research, maybe even a top ten. I started the preliminary thinking, got through a few musicals I'm familiar with without much luck - Guys 'n' Dolls, Hello Dolly - then it hit me.

La La Land is about the artist's struggle, and how taxing it is to follow your creative dreams. All the tough choices and sacrifices you make, all the heartbreak and dedication to the goal. I don't have to do research to know that's the closest story to my own daily struggle.

Short Answer: The Phantom of the Opera also speaks to me, on account of the fact that one of my testicles hangs a full testicle-length lower than the other. Is there such thing as a Testicle Mask? Did I just write the name of my impending musical?

Fuck it. I'll do the Top Ten anyway.

Top Ten Musicals That Are Most Like My Life

10) Guys 'n' Dolls - 'Cause I got the girl. And that was lucky.
9) Hello Dolly - 'Cause I look like a lonely, middle-aged, meddling woman.
8) Cats - 'Cause I suck at being what I'm supposed to be.
7) Oh What A Lovely War - 'Cause I think war is just the tits.
6) Singin' in the Rain - 'Cause I love A Clockwork Orange
5) West Side Story - 'Cause I can dance fight.
4) My Fair Lady - 'Cause I have to 'My Fair Lady' my wife every time she wants to leave the house.
3) Chicago - 'Cause CM Punk!
2) All That Jazz - 'Cause I read it wrong.
1) La La Land - 'Cause look at the mess I've made.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Question: How great is Adrian Pimento?


I thought my wife asked me this because of how much I love this guy. She didn't! Who's out there? Who is it?

You're my soulmate!

Adrian Pimento is a character in the show Brooklyn 99. If you don't watch that show, I don't like you. It's very good. I won't go too far into the character, but he's a little bit zany, if you know what I mean.

You don't? You hate love and happiness!

The character is played by the actor Jason Mantzoukas, who's getting some real play these days. You can see him alongside Amy Poehler and Will Ferrell in the movie The House, coming out soon. Even in the trailer you can tell he's hilarious.

Short Answer: "Yea, I love Rosa! I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her ear holes and eat the hair off her head!"

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Question: I read a post you wrote while you were sick. Now I have a cold too, WTF, dude?!!

It's the power of the mind!

I think we all have a level of hypochondria in us. It's probably a leftover of healthy fear based on survival instincts. If I watch a movie with any kind of sickness in it, I start to feel that sickness.

I even started dressing like a woman when I saw Tootsie.

(This is a joke. I'm not calling cross-dressing a sickness. Chill out, fucking everyone.)

Another possibility is that my humor spreads like a sickness. You laugh, and eventually, you die!

The Blog That Killed Your Ass! That's the movie! Time for some crowdfunding.

Speaking of crowdfunding, I had a dream last night that me and a friend of mine were going to start crowdfunding our pseudo-modern-blaxploitation comedy Black Apollo. We found out that the name was already taken, and I thought we could change it to Black Jupiter. Then we decided, just Jupiter was better. Then I suggested we spell it Jupider, like 'stupider' been then we were afraid that people would pronounce it wrong. Then this chick who we'd planned to put in the show died!

That was to many thens, wasn't it?

Then...fuck off!

Short Answer: Seriously, I look good in that Tootsie outfit. I've got the shoulders for it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Question: Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?

Jesus Christ! Am I about to get murdered?

There are some very unsettling things about this question. First of all, is the sing-song aspect, kinda like it's an adult pretending to be a clown child. And what's with the capital on 'Tell' and the other capitalized T in 'sTory'? Is that a code? What's TT mean? Is it bad? Was this question asked by Audi? Am I going to get killed by an Audi?

And Mr. Keith? I know that's the only recognizable name in Ask Keith Anything, but it ain't my last name.

Finally, and maybe this is because I'm already disturbed, the lack of a comma before Mr. Keith is also off-putting. Like the whole thing is said with a certain syntax, perhaps with a foreign accent. I'm guessing...a hell one. Like it's being said while sucking air through sharpened teeth.

How do you not see this sentence and fix it? How do you not go, "Oh, shit. I put some weird capitals in this bitch." I know how. 'Cause you're a hungry demon, horns festooned with the entrails of your last six-to-eight victims.

Here's a story. One time there was a happy prince. His name wasn't Mr. Keith, that's for fuckin' sure. He lived in a one-bedroom, castle with heat and hot water included, with his princess who had big boobs and didn't like moving around during sex. One day he got a raven in the mail, and it was all like, "Won't you Tell us a sTory Mr. Keith?" He strangled that raven to death with great vigor, dragged his wife from the royal couch and said, "We gettin' the fuck outta here." And he did.

Short Answer; The end.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Question: Ever watch Caroline in the City?

FTNITK, Caroline in the City was a sit-com that aired on NBC for four seasons (97 episodes) from 1995 to 1999.

No I never fucking watched it.

This was right in the 'pit' for me, as it comes to my entertainment enjoyment level. I was finishing high school, which I fucking hated, and then I spent a few years saving money to travel across the country. My priority wasn't checking the major networks' newest, crappy sit-coms. Remember this was the age of Fox's glowing puck for NHL games, the "If I Did It" OJ interview, Boy Meets World (or The Not-Wonder Years) and a bunch of other weird, uninteresting crap. Also, I wasn't into Buffy, or The X-Files and Seinfeld wasn't even good yet. Ren and Stimpy had just ended, That 70's Show had just started, and I always thought Frasier sucked.

Even Roseanne, which I'd always loved, fell off the radar for me in this period of my life. I had to go back and re-watch the whole series later.

This, to me, feels like the era of the little brother. The popular shit, like Dawson's Creek, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Full House, 3rd Rock From the Sun, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, it all felt like it was for younger people.

Saving grace? Freaks and Geeks started in 1999. I didn't know it then, but it kinda saved that whole era, and started the Age of Apatow.

Most notably for me (and likely you), this was the age of Simpon's syndication. Many episodes,every day, of the good shit. This was when my generation committed everything from season 2 to season 7 to our memories for all time.

Other decent shit from that time: Friends, Animaniacs, 90210, My So-Called Life, Beavis and Butthead, SNL, Mad About You, Fresh Prince.

Short Answer: Let's not forget this was also the age of (pre-Toxic) Britney and boy bands and pop-punk. Ugh.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Question: Ask Keith Anything! (The Blank Question)

Yesterday I brought up the point that I answer every question. This morning, I remembered this one, and I realized I had come very close to being a liar.

This 'statement' came through my on-blog contact form a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't register it as real. I thought it was a mistake, or someone had accidentally left the space blank.

And some of that is true. When someone asks me a question through the form, it begins with this. Ask Keith Anything! Then: the question. So someone actually did send me a blank form.

Did they send it on purpose? Or was it a mistake? If I'm to answer every 'question' and I'm to accept abstract ideas, and say grandiose things like 'every question is good' then I must accept this blank question. I must assume it was someone's chosen method of participation. To assume they are some dullard who erased their question right before sending it would be uncouth of me. (Though that's likely the case.)

So here's my answer to a blank question. You can't call a scary comedy a Rom-Com Spiritacular! Because A) Sub-genres can't have exclamation points and B) Go fuck yourself.

Has anyone ever called a movie a Rom-Com Spiritacular! No. Not to my knowledge. But there has been some pretty dumb shit. Even Zom-Com is too far for me. You can't name a comedy after the thing that's in the comedy. Then we'll have Meet-Coms and Mistaken Identity-Coms and Prom-Coms and Shyamalan-Coms and the list will never end.

Short Answer: (Blank Short Answer)

Sunday, May 21, 2017


Fuck you.

I've answered every question I've ever been asked on this site, but I considered ignoring this. You clearly don't want me to weigh in on the alphabet. You're being a stupid dick. You wanted to participate in my blog, but this was the best 'question' you could come up with? I know I've told people to their faces that they can ask anything they want, that there are no bad questions, but I was wrong. This is a bad question. What inspiration can I take from this other than the inspiration to shun you like a diseased animal?

So now everything has changed. Next time I'm at a social gathering, and someone says, "I read your blog all the time!" and then I say, "Have you ever asked a question?" and they say, "No. I can never think of a good one." Instead of being able to just say, "It's not the quality of the question that matters. I just need a shooting-off point. The content comes from the way I'm feeling and thinking at that particular moment, so you can't do anything wrong. Any question is good," I have to add, "except if you just write out the alphabet and put a question mark on it. That's for chodes."

You've altered my life. Though ever so slightly, it still angers me.

And if by some slim chance you actually are asking me my opinion about the alphabet, here it is. It's fine. I make words out of it, so it's pretty important to me, but I don't have any romantic feelings about it. So even if your question was intended to be real, it's still shitty because unlike the motherfucking dust on my floor or the dirt beneath my fingernails, it didn't inspire me one fucking bit.

Short Answer: Thanks for asking! Please, feel free to try again. Love ya.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Question: What shall we do with a drunken sailor?

This is the third time I've been asked this question.

Follow that down the Keith Hole to the other answer.

Now, to address the reason I keep getting asked.

Because I've never given the proper answer. Which is:

Short Answer: I'd fuck him with his rubber boots on.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Question: I love it in movies and TV when people make up funny porn movie names. Can you do some of those for us?

My pet, I've done it all before.

That one's got a link to another one in it, like a porn title sandwich. (In that second link, you'll find my porn name generator.)

I was pretty thorough, so I feel like the well might be dry. I certainly don't want to repeat myself.

Maybe if I just do some upcoming films, I won't have to worry about that.

Thor: Ram The Cock
The Mummy Fucker
Wonder Why a Woman Would Eat That
Captain Stained Underpants
Despicable Meat 3: Mostly Fist Meat
Spider-Man: Homecoming on Tits
War For the Planet of the Ass
The Dark Tower, The Bleached Hole
Done Kirk in the Butt
Get Out Your Dick

Short Answer: I wish this could be my job.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Question: How many posts have you written? (I know the numbers are there in the margin, I didn't want to do maths.)

This, as I'm writing it, has magically and numerically become post number two-thousand, two-hundred and ninety-five. That's 2295 for the severely illiterate.

I guess if you'd caught me in five more posts it would be sort of an important one, but not really. Once you get into the thousands, hundreds don't seem so important. Maybe 2500 is a milestone, but not 2300.

Anyway, let's see what we can get out of 2295.

Okay. I'm back from research! Here's what the elves have recovered for me.

No major things happen in literature - specifically science fiction- in that year. Of course the year has been used, but nothing important. No seminal works take place at that time. The closest I could come to finding a thing was that apparently stardate 10, 000 in the Star Trek universe happens in 2295. Wait, I've double-checked that, and someone else says it's 2167. Fuck me, nevermind.

2295 sucks. So I guess this post was doomed from the start. What's the point, here, then? That I've written a shitload of posts? That's true. Gotta be a book in this by now. Publishers? Anyone? Mom?

Short Answer: I'll write a fucking story that takes place in 2295. It will be the definitive 2295 story. I'll call it 2295! (Do I get any credit for using the number over and over again in this post? Oh, you didn't come here to see who gets credit? Oh, you just wanted to laugh? Oh, I fucked up? Fair.)

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Question: I can't stop laughing in libraries. Something about them just makes me giggle but the other patrons just think it's inappropriate. How do I fix this?

Lotsa options, here.

If you can get a gas mask, you'll probably be the only one in there with a gas mask, so you can gas away, sans harm.

You could do your reading online and completely avoid those losers and their precious, loser palace of knowledge.

You could divulge the source of your entertainment to all. Consider it a whispery stand-up set. Most won't complain. Unless the source of your humor is abortions or something else that can polarize the room.

"You know what's funny?" you'll whisper. "How divided we are as a nation." Something like that.

I guess a lot of these are temporary measures, and in your question you ask for a fix. Sadly, it's likely that you're the problem. You should probably go to a psychologist, or better yet, a hyptominust - wait, what are they called? One sec. (Uses internet for knowledge like you should be doing.) Hypnotist? That's it? Anyway. You could use a hypnotist to recover the repressed memories of when you were sex-touched beside the reference materials.

Short Answer: It's totally normal to laugh at times deemed inappropriate by society. You can laugh at funerals for example. If the Barenaked Ladies have taught us anything, it's that.

Other Things the Barenaked Ladies Have Taught Us:

10) Every man becomes a lovesick jerk.
9) Lovers can happen in multiple dangerous times, not just when the original song was written times.
8) Some people put ketchup on their Kraft Dinner.
7) Cocaine can be a secret.
6) Chubby sells.
5) If I call, you will answer.
4) Green dresses are for idiots, you idiot.
3) Everybody wants to fuck Jane.
2) Canada makes weird music.
1) Money buys love.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Question: If you had an imaginary cellmate, what would they be like?

I think it's possible that whoever wrote this question thinks I'm in prison.

I guess the hypothetical here is that I'm in a cell, but I'm alone. And I guess a little crazy, because I'm about to come up with, not a real cellmate, an imaginary cellmate.

The word cellmate has already lost all meaning. Cellmate, cellmate, cellmate.

Salma Hayek is my go to answer for being in a room with someone and there's a bed nearby. I don't know if she works in this scenario, though, because there probably aren't any girls allowed. Even in my imagination, I'd probably choose a man. Maybe someone big and strong to protect me? No, no, that could go the other way pretty quickly.

I've always thought Adam Sandler would be a fun guy to hand out with. And I don't think he'd rape me. He might laugh and point while I was getting raped, but that's pretty understandable. I'd look like a chicken having a stroke.

Short Answer: Or a person doing the 'lick your own elbows' dance.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Question: What do you believe when you say belief?

Tenses? Conjugation?

This is too much for me, man. Is this supposed to be deep? There's no way this is a quote from some famous fucker, which means it's an attempt by some un-famous fucker to sound important.

Big fail, buddy. I have no clue what this means, and it sure as hell doesn't hold any potency or clarity on its own merit.

Here, let me try out your verb form/noun form formula.

What do you shit when you say shit?

Works like a charm! (What do you being sarcastic when you say sarcasm?)

Let met try, just the same.

I believe that belief is a set of beliefs that you believe when...nope, nope. Fuck this. I'm out.

Short Answer: What do you shorten when you an answer?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Question: What's your big plan for this Sunday?

You're lookin' at it.

Doing computer chores with no clothes on my bits.

Later, I might worry about supper. It's raining, so I probably won't leave the house. Already finished masturbating, so I guess my schedule is pretty clear once I finish CREATING INCREDIBLE WORLDS FULL OF MAGIC AND INTRIGUE!

Short Answer: I just got the whole 'all caps' thing.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Question: I find sometimes when people tell me their favorite sh*t that I like them a lot less. Is this a problem for you, Keith?

Top Ten Undesirable Favorite Things

10) Bands that have a number in their name
9) Not my penis
8) California rolls with real crab
7) Any movie other than Big Trouble in Little China
6) Ice cream with mint, but no chocolate chips
5) The election cycle
4) Slacks
3) The Celestine Prophecy
2) Un-themed burlesque
1) Archetypes rather than character depth

Short Answer: Blink 182? 54-40? 98 degrees? There's more. Way, way more.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Question: What are the ten best movies directed by more than one person?

Great question.

I'll do a top ten of best movies by director duos. What I won't do is include any movies that were half-directed, then picked up by someone else. Those are mostly shit, anyway.

As per usual, I won't repeat duos, so it won't be a top ten Coen Brothers list.

Top Ten Movies With Two Directors

10) Delicatessen (1991) Marc Caro & Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The best of their collaborations, Jeunet went on to make his own mark with Amelie.
9) Sin City (2005) Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez. Though the long-awaited sequel soured our hindsight, this movie was tremendously well-received and nearly revolutionary in convincing studios of the potential of comic properties.
8) Airplane! (1980) David & Jerry Zucker (and Jim Abrahams?). I guess this had three directors? Still, the best Zuckers film, save for a personal nod to Top Secret.
7) Little Miss Sunshine (2006) Jonathon Dayton & Valerie Faris. This didn't play for everyone, but it did for me. And for the Academy.
6) About a Boy (2002) Chris & Paul Weitz. The best Nick Hornby adaptation?
5) American Splendor (2003) Shari Springer Bergman & Robert Pulcini. Giamatti unleashed onto the world! A great comics property (thanks Harvey Pekar) and a wonderful film.
4) Dumb and Dumber (1994) Peter & Bobby Farrelly. Some might say There's Something About Mary is their best. I don't.
3) Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) Joe & Anthony Russo. Best comic book movie ever?
2) The Matrix (1999) The Wachowskis. No need to explain.
1) Fargo (1996) The Coen Brothers. Lotsa different opinion on the Coen's best film. I'm a huge fan of most of their work, but to me, Fargo is the smoothest and most accessible.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Can't Hardly Wait, Bad Santa, King Kong, Half Nelson, every other Coen Brothers' movie.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Question: Is it true that a fool and his money are easily parted?

I've answered this one before!

That's pretty thorough, by my account. Of course, my account is empty, because I'm a damned fool! I like pretty cars and fast women and shitty jokes! All of which are a real drag on the funds. Oh, and HBO. I loves me some HBO.

Short Answer: Wouldn't mind a lifetime of free HBO. Just sayin', HBO. HBO!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Question: Who would you shoot, the man or the dog?

This is a slippity slope, isn't it? People really freak out about animals. They love them so much, that even hinting at dog murder could get me in a dog bowl full of hot water.

I guess my initial response is, depends on the man.

This is telling, because I don't care if the dog is an asshole or not. Dogs are dogs. They don't have the capacity for evil. They just shit and wag and eat and cuddle. Men are terrible, awful creatures. So in most cases, my answer would be, shoot the man.

But to be clear, I'm not so soft that I think animal rights should be placed above human rights. Sometimes when people soapbox about the mistreatment of animals, in the face of human starvation or lack of funding for social programs that benefit the poor, I cringe.

I suppose I'm a contradiction. I believe that human life inherently has more value than animal life, and yet, I don't like most humans, and I do like most dogs.

Short Answer: There. Honesty. Wait, why am I shooting them? Is this a standoff at the end of a movie? Is it one of those setups where the dog and the man look identical, and I don't know which one is the real dogman so I don't know who to shoot? "You're barking up the wrong tree! Wag the gun that way! He's the dog-poster!" I get it now. I'd be all like, "I know that one of you was neutered. Pull down your adorable pants and show me your dogman crotches! Right now!"

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Question: How fast does your boat go?

This has got to be a euphemism.

My boat is a speedboat, there's no doubt about that. But it looks more like a beat-up, old cargo ship. There's a racing stripe that makes the whole thing appear a bit monstrous, and from stern to bow it's not exactly straight. It goes at about the same speed as my tugboat, until my tugboat runs out of gas, and then it goes way faster.

Short Answer: My boat is called 'Skildo'.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Question: What sort of duel would you prefer if your life depended on it?

Pizza eating duel?
Horror movie knowledge duel?
Amount of breasts touched with permission duel?

I'm guessing you were hoping for a more traditional answer. I'm definitely a sword guy, if that's your angle. Guns are messy. They miss, and when they hit, it sucks hard. Swords are elegant, and there's no weird smell when they deliver a fatal blow.

Of course, two modern assholes with no sword fighting ability wouldn't possess much elegance. Just as well have a pool-noodle duel as expect grace in that situation.

Short Answer: I don't care so long as I get say, "I'm not left-handed."

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Question: Vacation Update!

I didn't want to spend too much time on a question today, as I'm trying to fit this in while my friend is in the shower, before I try to fit my penis into his bum. It seems a little disrespectful to take someone's hard-mulled-over attempt at a question and treat it with disdain.

Oh wait. That's the entire premise of this blog.

Still, I choose this instead, because I am in control and you are not. How does it feel? Your life is a runaway train, and you're an unattractive prospector, having your prostate destroyed by the rutted, over-travelled road as you bounce around trying to keep the reins while your ill-suited cart falls apart beneath you.

Now that I've established dominance, I'd like to share a treat.

My friend referred to testicles as 'racoon elbows' the other day. I don't think it's overstating a fact to reveal that my life is now complete.

Short Answer: Things are going well. Record stores were wandered through, beers were bought by the box load and we watched Night of the Creeps and Slither back to back. Those are two movies about penis-like slugs. Soon, I think the swordfight will commence. (He doesn't know I've been practising!)

Monday, May 1, 2017

Question: Where you at?

I've got a friend in town for the week, so I'm on pseudo-vacation. He's asleep right now, so I figured I'd try to squeeze this in, before I try to squeeze my penis into his bum.

Last few days have been filled with immense sleepiness and my annual Sci-Fi Movie Festival. We drank many drinks, candied many candies and jumped many jumps.

This morning I woke up with this.

"It's not like today's the day they un-invented penicillin!"

Solid work, subconscious.

Also, we've decided in only two days that my wife's resting facial expression is 'done eating'.

We've coined the term 'dumpstitution' and learned to describe the moment where you're rushing to the toilet, and you undo your pants - therefore speeding up the exit of fleeing turds - as 'strafing'. (Because you half sit and scooch across the bowl.)

More discoveries to come, but I may be a little inconsistent with my presence until the beginning of next week. There's important work to be done, and we're uncovering new truths about the universe every day. We're willing to put the work in. We've already had long conversations about the shape and behaviour of my penis, as well as how certain birth control can poke you, creating a fear of having a piece of copper threaded nicely into your peehole during coitus.

We've only just begun.

Short Answer: Unsnake - The Straightest Animal. I just thought of this awesome movie title. Just now. My brain is on fire with possibilities!

Friday, April 28, 2017

Question: Do you belive in BMI?

I'm guessing this means Body Mass Index. Either that or Bowel Movement Intensity.

Believe is a weird word to use, isn't it? I mean, I believe BMI exists. Because it does exist. Do I believe it's an accurate guide for fitness or obesity? Perhaps. But there are other factors. BMI doesn't take into account muscle mass or weight distribution. Some people prefer to use waist to hip ratios for these sort of calculations, while others get accurate body fat percentages to go on.

Let's use me as an example. I'm six feet tall and I weigh two hundred pounds. Technically, this is considered overweight on the BMI scale, at around 27. But, I carry a lot of weight in my penis and thick, thick balls, so that throws things off. I also have a big ass that's filled with seventy-three percent muscle and forty-eight percent orgasm inducer.

So I'm obviously not overweight. That would be impossible. I get too much exercise picking up all the dropped panties.

Now, as for Bowel Movement Intensity, I'm also about a 27. And as we all know, that scale only measure up to 25. Big intensity on this guy.

Short Answer: I could do with losing a little weight in my scrotum. I'll admit it. I'm not ashamed.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Question: What's with all the poems?

Had to bump this one up or it wouldn't make sense. I hate when I have to do this. I always feel like someone's figured out the game and they're Kevin Spacey-ing me from Seven. (Or Se7en if you're an asshole.)

First of all, go fuck yourself. I can't imagine your motivation is positive.

In addition, you already know the answer. I get asked questions and I answer them. If your sensibilities don't allow for two out of three questions to be about similar topics, why are you on my blog? There's a joke about boobs or poop eight days a week up in this motherfucker.

But you're not alone. My traffic falls slightly if I answer too many original poem requests. Maybe that's because when I'm asked these questions, I write a poem on the spot. I take three to ten minutes, and I do only the vaguest of edits. Even though I'm supposed to be good at poemetry, I can admit that the quality could be lacking due to this speedy method. But here's the rub - and please don't tell the poetry people who pay me (alliteration, nailed it) - I never spend much time on a poem! I've been paid for poems I've written during a bowel movement. No joke.

So you're not really getting the worst of me. Some might argue, based on my success, that you're getting the best of me. That my explosive, on the spot creativity - not unlike this blog - is my best work. And based on income and publications, I'm a poet first and foremost. So who are you to criticize? Anyone opened up their wallet for your poetry lately?


Short Answer: I don't really harbor any animosity for this question, and certainly not the question asker. I like any excuse to talk about poetry. In fact, I invite someone else to meta this shit up and ask why I posted yet another post about poems. That'll kill my traffic, but I don't give a fuck. Let's do this!

Note: Boobs/poop.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Question: I'd like a new poem, please?

I'd rather, Father, have the author, further speak to plot things farther.
I'd hence begin to quench the when, the stench of lending meanings thin.
I'd then have salve to palm the half, to sand the man down to a task.
I'd revel in the shrivelled dell of shelling him, for quelling well.

And if the whiff of shuffling off caused stifling of the lesser clause
I'd execute the transigent and end that flexing malcontent.

I'd rather, hence, than revel off
I'll bother when the clothes come off

Short Answer: Skiptracemuse

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Question: What would you rather do?

A little vague. But I can handle it.

If it's something bad:

I'd rather eat braised dick meat atop a bed of unravelled testicle noodles.

If it's something good:

I'd rather fuck God's virgin snatch.

Short Answer: (Warning! Very Important Short Answer!) In looking for a particular post that this reminded me of, I used my search engine on-blog to look up the word 'homeless'. What returned to me was the most entertaining page of results imaginable. I've never been more proud of myself or my own work. If you're too lazy to follow suit, here's the link to the search results:

You will not be disappointed. I promise.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Question: Poetry time?!?

The mirror withers
I'm tossed at night by unseen forces
The dead are speaking in familiar tongues
And this is the best time there has ever been

Truth lies like heavy rocks beneath the dying grass
The dream is spreading unannounced
The water line is higher, and sustenance easier to find
But they scream as if the world is dying

It has always been up to us
Our own happiness and the greater good
These things never left our sight
We let them close our eyes to it all

Short Answer: The Bawling Wheel

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Question: I've always kind of liked the Star Wars prequels. What's your take?

I think I'm finally done talking about this. The Force Awakens and Rogue One are here; it's time to let go.

Having said that, here's an answer from June, 2011 which should satisfy.

Short Answer: I've answered a bunch of Star Wars questions over the years. Because this question was specifically about the prequels, I didn't feel it was appropriate to do a Star Wars mega post, but feel free to give that shit a googs.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Question: How are you going to celebrate your birthday?

I have a question for you. You, plural, like allayous.

How does everyone know when my birthday is?

So this is obviously one of those things about my blog, one of those not-so-bad, unavoidable, inconveniency things. When an occasion roles around, or an event eclipses our world, I'm going to get multiple questions about it. And I'm going to answer them all. And I only post once a day.

Yesterday was my birthday, and yet, I must answer this question today. The problem is, I didn't see things very clearly, and I kinda answered this one yesterday. Also, I posted a collection of birthday posts. That leaves me with little to fill this post with that isn't going to be redundant.

I just had a thought. I could tell the truth?

The first half of yesterday's list was partially true. I woke up, left my wife to sleep, and got to work on the blog. I was interrupted by a call from my grandmother which I took with mustard because I don't like relish. We talked for an hour and forty-five minutes, because a boy's relationship with his grandma is a special one.

Then, I attempted to go out for lunch with my friend and my missus. The first place we went was awfully full. They had a forty-five minute wait. I said, "But it's my birthday," and got a round of blowjobs from the scantily clad staff. (Sorry. Dammit. It's hard not to embellish. I got a quicky handjob in the bathroom from a line cook named Carlito.)

Okay, okay. We just left without any blowjobs or handjobs (and Carlito's phone number) and went to another place. I had a lamb burger and pulled pork poutine. My wife had a salted caramel milkshake, which I stole after a well-placed neck chop. (I'm seriously incapable of keeping this together. I swear I'm so honest in my real life. This must be an outlet. I can't stop!)

After I set that fucking place on fire with my mind, we went across the street and got some beers for afternoon, sunny-deck drinking. I got a Stiegl radler, a Stella and a Guinness to cover all the bases.

For supper, we went out for sushi. My wife isn't a big fan, so I took advantage - anal style - of my birthday privilege.

Later, I was given presents. These presents were comic book and Nirvana themed. I was a happy puppy.

Then, Rick and Morty. Then, a movie with Elijah Wood (who I'm quite taken with) on Netflix. We played on the YouTube for a while then my wife went to bed, and I spent the last hour or so by myself, appreciating the entirety of my existence with one hand on my fully erect penis.

Short Answer: I guess you can take what you want from this. Most of it is real. More of it than you'd probably believe, now that I look back over it. Talkin' 'bout you, Carlito! Nice gams, buddy. (Also, I love relish.)

Friday, April 21, 2017

Question: Happy Birthday, Keith!

Thanks, friends.

Not sure what I should do today. Already put a birthday themed compilation together:

Obviously I don't have time today to do a really involved list. Here's my tight birthday schedule:

9:00: Wake up horny.
9:05: After a few minutes of experimental self-manipulation, choose to let your wife sleep. You can plough her later, and you're a gentleman.
9:06: Doubt your decision. Wake up wife with, "Are you awake?" chants until she answers.
9:14: Hang out with your wife for a bit, who's hilariously groggy because she's trying to pay attention to you on your birthday even though she needs more sleep.
9:24: Start your blog. Get interrupted by a phone call from your grandmother.
9:24 to 11:26: Go for a long walk and talk, solving all the world's problems.
11:45 to 1:45: Lunch.
2:00: First round of hookers.
3:15: Hydration.
4:00: Second round of hookers, wife included.
5:00: Dinner if I can still feel my mouth.
6:00: Sex with my wife and that girl she likes from Safeway, the one with the big thighs.
6:45: Play Candy Crush while girls go at it.
7:00 onward: Free period. Nothing scheduled. Probably recovery and a movie about murders.

Short Answer: Should be a good one.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Question: Whack-a-doodle, hoopla, pool noodle. ?

Okay. First things fuckin' last.

Way to remember the question mark. It's an afterthought, but it counts.

Secondably, that is the correct password, you are permitted into my clubhouse.

I'm pretty sure all these O sounds are a form of assonance. Is that a funny sentence? If it is, you're a fucking pervert.

Now what was I saying about assonance?

Assonance. That is funny.

Assonance is the repetition of the same vowel sounds. It's like alliteration and consonance, in the sense that it sounds like a terrible medical condition that has a lot do with not pooping.

Whack-a-doodle, hoopla, pool noodle, pooping.

Short Answer: I'm giving up on this. It deserved less of my attention.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Question: Does anybody care about me?


I suppose it doesn't help that rather than any sort of altruism, I just selfishly thought, 'Can this eventual suicide be traced back to me?'

I assume someone cares about you. If they don't, you could always try caring about yourself. And even if you can't pull that off, killing yourself is hard work, so maybe don't go that far.

(I realize in no way have you mentioned killing yourself. If you are going down that route, would you mind putting in your suicide note that you'd thought of it before reading this blog post? Thanks a bunch.)

Parents care, even if they're dickbags. Other family members? Orphan...owners? Teachers who are the proper level of interested in their student's lives?

Lotta options. Lotta caring out there.

Is it getting awkward in here or is it just me?

Clearly I'm not a councillor. I'm not even sure if that's the right kind of counsellor.

Short Answer: Most people have more of a support system than they realize. Often, communication is what's lacking, not caring. So I encourage anyone who honestly feels the way you do to reach out. Speak to those around you and don't be ashamed about how you feel. Help will appear. And don't forget, we're all a little more awesome than we think we are.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Question: Are you going to celebrate Easter?

Does this still count as Easter? Am I late? Oh God, am I pregnant? Am I pregnant with Jesus's baby? Is that blasphemy? How many question marks are at my disposal? All of them?

What I'm about to do is awesome:

That's a link to a post from a few years back. In said post, I linked to older Easter-themed posts. That's right, I've officially got to the point where I can re-post an answer that already re-posted answers. A clip show within a clip show.

Eventually, this blog is going to begin writing itself. Is that where AI comes from? From AKA? That'd be sweet.

There. Now this is the normal kind of lazy post, where I find one thing that sort of addresses the question. That's both kinds of lazy. I feel I've really accomplished something here today.

Short Answer: Sometimes, at the end of 'lazy posts' I feel the desire to write something original, just to not be a piece of shit. That is all.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Question: What are some of your unused, blog post premises?

1) Steven Seagal took my dog. Now what the fuck do I do?
2) A band called Jumpsuit Summercamp.
3) The bidet ad-campaign tagline, 'Keep your seafood fresh'.
4) A doctor that has to touch pastry to help with his diagnoses.
5) Were-mer-men.
6) Mer-were-maids.
7) Regular maids.
8) Megular raids.
9) Loss of interest, mid-blog post.
10) Ten.

Short Answer: Butts.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Question: The NHL playoffs are nigh! What are your predictions for the Canadian teams?

Guess who didn't watch any hockey this year?

He's got three thumbs, and only one is in his ass, and the other two are pointing at his face. His expression is abashed. Is that relevant? Does any of this make sense?

The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup!

See how that felt like a lie?

Now fill in the blank with the other Canadian teams, and see if it feels like any less of a lie.

Only Edmonton sounds plausible, right?

Short Answer: It's Washington's year. Sorry, Canucks. Not the Vancouver Canucks, Canucks, like, Canadians. Not, like the Montreal Canadiens, know what, fuck this. Hockey sucks now. Not going to the Olympics? Are you fucking kidding me? Selfish pricks.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Question: Daddy took my t-bird away. How will I have fun, fun, fun?

Go to Kokomo?

Beach Boys.

As song lyrics go, this isn't all that inspiring. I got a young girl pregnant and now I'm not allowed to drive for a bit? That's right. Getting grounded isn't all that interesting. And I added the interesting bit about knocking up some teenager.

Go surfin'?

I just realized that a lot of Beach Boys songs are pretty much white privilege anthems. If you tried to describe the problems of the fictional characters in their songs to, say, someone who has to walk all day to get water, they'd be like, "What the fuck are you talking about? Water is far too rare to surf upon."

That's what they'd be like.

Make it big?

(Nobody remembers that Beach Boys song. Nobody. That's just the sort of niche joke I'm looking for at all times. No wonder you're here, reading my blog.)

I'm thinking you can masturbate, masturbate, masturbate until Daddy unplugs the wifi.

Short Answer: Or you can do that thing that's always an option in Beach Boys' era films: watch, watch, watch the super hot girl who lives in the house next to you - who is of a comparable age - through her window, ya fuckin' creep.

Note: Another option is drugs, drugs, drugs.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Question: Let's hear some jokes, monkey!

You've probably seen me give shit to people who don't bother asking questions. In this case, I'll make an exception, because I really enjoy the domineering tone. If you're going to be this aggressive, you win.

This is a timely question because I just thought of a new joke this morning.

Michael Jackson and a bundle of kindling walk into a bar.
The bartenders asks: "Wanna be startin' somethin'?"

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, you're quite welcome. Thank you.

Oh! I've got another!

Knock Knock
The Who's there
(door opens)

Get it? I get it.

What is this theme? It's amazing. I'll go one more time.

Why did super group Chickenfoot cross the road?
Because of the obscurity of the band, vocalist Sammy Hagar thought he might garner some attention by crossing the road. Sure, he ruined Van Halen, but at least people still recognized him on occasion. Joe Satriani, for the record, stayed on the original side of the road with drummer Chad Smith, because they realized that separation from Hagar was probably the key to their future success.

Well. That didn't work.

Short Answer: Like Meatloaf said, "Don't you have any more mashed potatoes?"

Note: If you get all four of these jokes you're my hero. Or more accurately, you get to join me as my hero.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Question: fa;lj?

Many things.

First, I've been saving this one for a particular day like today, where I want to talk about something that I wasn't necessarily asked about.

Second, whatever the fuck this is, good job putting a question mark at the end.

So, in my newsfeed today, I saw two headlines that stuck out. One was that North Korea is 'ready for war'. The other, that Katy Perry's hair has gotten even shorter! She's gone all the way down to pixie cut!

My first thought was, one of these things matters and the other doesn't. But that's not an unexpected response, nor is it an inappropriate one, or even an interesting one. In fact, you probably thought that's where I was going with this. A rant on real news, or some shit.

Here's the thing. My second thought was, maybe these things are of equal importance. Since when can North Korea do anything in a war other than launch a measly attack and get fucking destroyed by the entire world, led by America's bloated arsenal and its bloated president who collectively are willing to waste billions of dollars killing the shit out of people?

The answer is: Since their last missile test, which was the offensive equivalent of two pumps and finishing mostly on the bedspread while aiming for the back of that prostitute's knee.

Or, something we can all relate to, is the possibility that we live in a world where Katy Perry's haircut is of far more importance than it should be. I clicked on it. I wanted to see if it made her boobs look any bigger. There, I said it. You know what I didn't click on? The North Korea thing.

I guess the point is, what the fuck? What the What the fuck...the world? What the fuck...priorities? What the What? The? Fuck?

I feel so much pressure and responsibility now to check all news for myself, to see what's legit, and then prioritize it accordingly. This climate of biased, bought journalism and people getting their news from social media sources (meaning, other non-journalists) has put a lot of the onus on we the people. And who has the time? How am I supposed to know what thing matters more? How am I supposed to know what's real? If I checked all dozen news stories I came across in my minimal time on social media, I'd be setting myself a two or three hour task. Daily.

Short Answer: There's Vice. We need more of that. Journalism that reeks of authenticity, so we can relax a little bit. I don't have hours to check everything out. I need those hours to masturbate to pop stars.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Question: Could you write a pilot for a tv show?


Wait. You're not asking me to do a treatment here on-blog, are you? Because if you are, you're going to have to go get fuck-smacked in the disappointment corner. On average, I spend one to five minutes on this blog a day. I'm not going to spend a few weeks on this one post.

Here's an episode for Three's Company I just wrote. Jack walks in on the girls simultaneously masturbating while watching Magnum P.I. Jack runs from the room and trips over the couch. Mister Furley gets pissed. Jack doesn't sleep with the blonde one or the hobbit. The end.

Nailed it. That's not a pilot, though, right?

Okay, here's a pilot.

(insert picture of a pilot)

That joke was never going to work, so I didn't bother with the picture.

Anyway, I'm not going to share a real idea with you. You'll steal it. Besides, TV show ideas are a dime a dozen. It's all in the execution. Like, the idea: Have Tom Hardy look like he wants to jack off on the face of every person he meets, in a mud-caked London in the past. That's Taboo. It was great.

Short Answer: I'm not sure I made a point at all. Maybe that's the TV show! A guy who never has a point. And people are always dumbfounded. And then, at the end of each episode, there's a really hard core sex scene. It's on HBO.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Question: Top Ten Craziest Protagonists in Movies?

That's very specific. I also like that you capitalized the letters, so I wouldn't be able to refuse titling my list exactly that way.

Here we go:

Two Less Than a Dozen of the Best Insane Movie Characters at the Forefront of Their Films

Okay. You get the joke.

The 'unreliable narrator' is a very popular thing these days. To me, it's almost a deus ex machina, a thing that allows you to fuck with the story, the rules of story, and character arcs, all behind the thin veneer of: "But it's okay. Because you can't trust what you've been told!" Still, I get the freedom it allows.

That may or may not have had anything to do with this list, I now realize, as narrators in film are rare/dumb. I guess I should've used the previous paragraph for a book-themed post about crazy characters. I guess I could go back and erase it. But I've come too far.

Top Ten Craziest Protagonists

...aaaaaand I've changed my mind.

Finally. Here we go:

Top Fifteen Craziest Protagonists

15) Willy Wonka from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971). Typically, Charlie is the protagonist in this story. I'm using a technicality here - his name in the title - to justify including Gene Wilder's madcap and somehow subtle performance in this list. He's not really the protagonist, but without him, the story doesn't unfold at all. He's the central figure of a movie full of crazy.
14) Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard (1950). Classic crazy. When she tilts her head back and zeroes in, I lose boners for a month.
13) Tony Montana from Scarface (1983). While researching this list, I came upon a lot of wonderful crazy characters who were simply too evil, or the obvious antagonist of their films (insert every villain ever, in fact). This is a true bad guy as the protagonist role. He's so madcap, he thinks a gun is his little friend. What? Crazy.
12) Batman (or many other superheroes) from Any Batman Movie. Dude dresses up as a bat because his parents were killed. Right?
11) Hedra Carlson from Single White Female (1992). Jennifer Jason Leigh perfectly cast as a weirdo. The scene where she changes her appearance to match Bridget Fonda's is particularly off-putting. (Again, this is not a true protagonist, but this movie really is a two-woman show. If you claim she's actually the villain, I'd be hard-pressed to deny you. I'm not perfect! Leave me alone or I'll cut my hair like yours!)
10) The Narrator (or Tyler Durden) from Fight Club (1999). I'm talking about Ed Norton, here. He's nuts. Punches himself until he's not so nuts, then blows up some shit and shoots himself in the face.
9) Pvt. Leonard Lawrence from Full Metal Jacket (1987). There almost isn't a protagonist in this Kubrick masterwork on the irony and tragedy of war. Humanity is the protagonist, or maybe Matthew Modine, as per usual. To me, at least for the first part of the movie, 'Gomer Pyle' is the central figure, as we follow the journey he takes as he breaks under the pressure of wartime preparation. Has anyone looked crazier on film? Thanks, D'Onofrio. You good.
8) Dr. Henry Frankenstein from Frankenstein (1931). Obsessive like his literary counterpart, Henry on film is a little more flamboyant with his crazy. His sheer glee once the monster comes alive is the exclamation point.
7) R.P. McMurphy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975). Jack's got a couple on here, no surprise. He's brought a touch of crazy to every role, hasn't he?
6) Patrick Bateman from American Psycho (2000). Has a crazy protagonist ever done more crazy shit on screen? The beauty is, of course, did he do any of it? That's double crazy!!
5) Baby Jane Hudson from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) Again, she's the villain, right? But if you watch the whole movie...I don't usually mind spoilers in lists like this - they come with the territory - but in this case, I'll hold off. Point is, it takes two to tango. But Baby Jane, dancing and singing her old, childhood songs about her daddy in full-makeup over an age-pitted face? Big time crazy!
4) Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver (1976). I guess you could argue that things turn out okay for him. Maybe he's not so crazy. But in that iconic scene, well, he is talking to himself.
3) Jack Torrance from The Shining (1980). More Kubrick, more Jack, and another example of the film's villain as the main character and arguable protagonist. I love that there was so much crazy coming from everywhere in this film, that Talia Shire was actually traumatized by it all.
2) Nina Sayers from Black Swan (2010). Not unlike Carrie, much of Nina's crazy comes from her relationship with her mother, though in a more subtle, crawling-across-glass kind of way. Black Swan is an entire film dedicated to watching the protagonist split down the middle.
1) Alex de Large from A Clockwork Orange (1971). My favorite film, and my favorite villainous protagonist. Alex is addicted to ultraviolence, and nothing is going to come between them. He finds it far too horrorshow.

Short Answer: Put my honorable mentions in the list, this time. Felt like they all deserved a blurb.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Question: I like when you're serious. Could you write something serious today?

Here's something serious.

I think the world would be a better place if there were more fart noises and nudity. In every situation where something sucks, there should be a fart piped in. Congress, fields of battle, at the symphony: farts.

Here's something else that's quite serious. Diarrhea. That is all.

Short Answer: I don't think 'serious' is a topic unto itself. Taking into account that my number one goal is to be entertaining, I'm sure you can understand why I head for humour first. With serious topics, it's not so easy to be sure you're entertaining people. Like, an essay about my dead aunt might not do it for you. But a picture of her tits? That'd be gold.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Question: I've had an idea...hand shoes! Wanna get in on this?

Do I look like Dragon's Den? Or Shark Tank? Or...wait a second. Is 'wanna get in on this' a sexual thing, not a business thing? Do you want me to put No, it isn't a sexual thing? Is it maybe a sexual business thing, like, somehow I get paid for putting It's not that either? Fudge.

Well, now that all the fun has been wrung from this answer, I guess I'll address your invention.

Mittens. You're talking about mittens. Sure they might be hard mittens, but that's what they are. People won't want them, unless those people have feet for hands. That's too niche a market in my esteem.

Short Answer: How much crawling/standing on your hands do you do, man?

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Question: New euphemisms for sex?

The two-finger discount.
Puncturing the o-ring layer.
Down to brown.
Porking the sour pudding.
Playing ballclaps.
My mother and your mother were smack-smack-smack.
The long toboggan.
Mal-intent and the path through the forest.
Carol Burnett would approve of this.
The Iron Giant.
Cloak and bang her.
The cowpoke.
Slippery crevice.
Tipping the maƮtre D
Haranguing by nutsack.
Floppy Freddy and the Shitmix.
The acoustics of moist flesh.
One minute and thirty-nine seconds in heaven.
Rainy season in the drop zone.
Attention to tail.

Short Answer: Out of breath.

Bonus euphemisms:

I am awesome!