Saturday, December 31, 2016

Question: What are you doing for New Year's Eve?

We're going to play pin the tail on the Keith. That's what my wife keeps calling it, at least. It's a bit of a story so I'll try to keep it short.

Anal sex is something that people often think of as going one way in a heterosexual relationship. I am one of those people, and on occasion, have even invoked this clause to avoid having backdoor trauma visited upon my poor, virgin hiney. This year, my wife decided that it was time to have my be-hymen torn down, and said that New Year's Eve would be the perfect setting. Drunk, excited and late at night, she promised that after years of my sexual proclivities, she would explore a proclivity of her own.

I said, "Hey. My be-hymen has been broken already, I'm sure of it. GI Joes went up there. Pennies went up there. Fingers - my own and those belonging to others. That time we played the bandana game. This is old news."

She shrugged, then nodded, then shrugged again. This gesture was in no way reassuring.

Then at Christmas time, I opened a present that resembled a snow blower with the devil's penis attached to the end, and I understood what shrug-nod-shrug really means. It means, "I don't care what you think, you're going to get fucked in the ass, I'm indifferent to your eminent howls of discomfort."

This was only fair, I've been made to comprehend post Devil Blower reveal. "When have you ever been uncomfortable in your entire life?" she asked. "When have I ever asked you to do anything you don't want to do?"

So there it is. My wife's lifetime of good deeds and generous allowances has finally come back to haunt me. Tonight, I meet my fate. Tonight, I join with the Devil Blower. Tonight, I wake the neighbors with my cries of agony, knowing all the while that it's only fair.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution will likely have something to do with not trying to put my penis everywhere all the time, because there are gasoline-fueled consequences. May you all sit comfortably in the new year!

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