Saturday, December 31, 2016

Question: What are you doing for New Year's Eve?

We're going to play pin the tail on the Keith. That's what my wife keeps calling it, at least. It's a bit of a story so I'll try to keep it short.

Anal sex is something that people often think of as going one way in a heterosexual relationship. I am one of those people, and on occasion, have even invoked this clause to avoid having backdoor trauma visited upon my poor, virgin hiney. This year, my wife decided that it was time to have my be-hymen torn down, and said that New Year's Eve would be the perfect setting. Drunk, excited and late at night, she promised that after years of my sexual proclivities, she would explore a proclivity of her own.

I said, "Hey. My be-hymen has been broken already, I'm sure of it. GI Joes went up there. Pennies went up there. Fingers - my own and those belonging to others. That time we played the bandana game. This is old news."

She shrugged, then nodded, then shrugged again. This gesture was in no way reassuring.

Then at Christmas time, I opened a present that resembled a snow blower with the devil's penis attached to the end, and I understood what shrug-nod-shrug really means. It means, "I don't care what you think, you're going to get fucked in the ass, I'm indifferent to your eminent howls of discomfort."

This was only fair, I've been made to comprehend post Devil Blower reveal. "When have you ever been uncomfortable in your entire life?" she asked. "When have I ever asked you to do anything you don't want to do?"

So there it is. My wife's lifetime of good deeds and generous allowances has finally come back to haunt me. Tonight, I meet my fate. Tonight, I join with the Devil Blower. Tonight, I wake the neighbors with my cries of agony, knowing all the while that it's only fair.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution will likely have something to do with not trying to put my penis everywhere all the time, because there are gasoline-fueled consequences. May you all sit comfortably in the new year!

Friday, December 30, 2016

Question: I bet you can't insult me.

You're a gangly nimrod.

What happened here, is that I win. Here's why. I just insulted you. Whether or not you feel insulted is irrelevant. Here's another insult: the way you asked the question inflicts a defeat upon you before we've even begun.

Nice shoes, gravy boat.

There's another one. Did it makes sense? Do you feel hurt? Are you crying? Doesn't matter. The act of the insult is all.

I guess you would have had to say, "You can't make me feel insulted." Then, there would be no debate.

Here's another one. Even had you written your 'question' the way I just suggested, you'd still lose, because this is not a back and forth situation. You're handing me the reins, and I can call your horse a stupid asshole all I want, and you can't do anything about it.

Your horse is a stupid asshole. Your face is the kind of face that makes dry heaving feel like the better option.

Also, you have a small penis/large vagina.

Short Answer: All in all, you may be right. But here's a universal insult just in case you think I couldn't pull this off face to face. Your insecurities are obvious and they make you unlikeable. Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Question: Are you still alive?

This can be taken a couple of ways.

First, I took two days off in a row, something I rarely do. If that was the intention of this question, then yes, I'm still alive. It's Christmas, and I got to thinking that I don't care so much about my responsibilities at the moment. Did you really miss me that much?

Second, everyone awesome and famous is dying, so I might go next. I'm sorry to say, that it's true. You are the only one left. Everyone else is dead. You knew this was coming. Good luck surviving all alone on the planet. Don't forget that canned food does expire eventually, and so does gasoline.

Short Answer: I figure next year we can all go skydiving and bungee jumping and eat improperly prepared puffer fish because no one's going to die. The Reaper doubled his quota this year and he's taking next year off. Good time to get your murders in, too!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Question: Happy Holidays, Keith!

I asked my wife, "What's something to write about on Christmas? What's funny?"

She said, "The Yule log?"

This is my life. You're lucky I ever crawl out of the gutter far enough to make any sort of intelligent exhalation that isn't carried on a thick, deep burp.

Short Answer: Merry Christmas, everyone.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Question: Merry Christmas!(?)!

"Every cookie you've ever bought me contributed to my butt mass." - my wife, who has considerable butt mass.

A perfectly timed comedic pause later: "Merry Buttmass!"

Short Answer: "It's Buttmass Eve!"

Friday, December 23, 2016

Question: What movies do you watch at Christmas time?

Some of these Christmas questions are piling up, so I'm going to have to answer them, despite the fact that they're repeats.

I'll try to keep it entertaining by placing some jokes in between the links. Like sausages with a smattering of used condom casings.

Actually, now that I look at it, I linked to the other movie answer within that answer, so I guess I don't need to do anything else. I'll still do at least one joke. Here goes.

Why did the finger cross the road? Because there was an empty butt on the other side.

Short Answer: Fingers go in butts. I didn't make that shit up. Just because you missed the obvious punch line doesn't mean I'm the sick one. I'm fine!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Question: What's the best thing you could receive for Christmas this year?

Book deal?

Either that, or the promise that I'll make it through the entire calendar year without doing that thing where I pour a clear liquid into a glass I don't think was used for milk, but then halfway through drinking, I become painfully aware that the glass was in fact last used for milk.

Short Answer: Does it make me a horrible piece of shit that the best thing I could receive is money? I don't want it for frivolous spending; just so I can continue writing books and hanging onto the dream. I guess that doesn't make it much better. I suppose I'll just have herpes again like last year. It wasn't so bad. My wife never even caught it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Question: Christmas...something, something...Christmas?

This is perfect for my mood today, and I've been wanting to find a way to post this:

That's the December 24, 2014 Question: Happy Christmas Eve, Ask Keith Anything! The answer is my Top 15 Christmas posts.

Short Answer: Kill all the time you want, fuckers.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Question: How do you feel about Kwanzaa?

I have no feelings whatsoever about Kwanzaa.

This is the appropriate answer.

Did you think I was going to stick my foot in some sort of racially charged mire with this question? Fuck you, then. I only have two feet. How many more feet can be enmired at one time? No many, that's how!

Short Answer: I wish I could celebrate Kwanzaa. It keeps the party going between Christmas and New Years.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Question: What's the best Christmas present you ever recieved?

A couple of things come to mind.

When I was young, I thought my parents didn't have much money. (They actually did quite well for themselves, so I guess I just have a pauper's heart.)

In this particular case, I was about eleven or twelve, and I wanted cowboy boots because that was trendy at the time. My mom straight up told me they couldn't afford them. Then...boom! Cowboys boots on Christmas morning!

That probably plays second fiddle to the year the Nintendo Entertainment System came out. I had an Atari 2600 at the time, and because I knew we'd never afford the new, fandangled NES, I asked for the latest Double Dragon game for Atari. Then...boom! NES for Christmas!

(Never did get Double Dragon. Buncha assholes.)

One year, when I was a little younger, I woke to the sound of reindeer on my roof. I went out to the living room to see if Santa had already been, and there was a bike next to the tree for me. That was a pretty sweet moment, with all the quiet, snow white, Christmas magic a little boy could stuff into his quick-beating heart.

Short Answer: Shout out to my friend Mark who gave my wife and I Camp Arawak t-shirts last year, the camp in the movie Sleepaway Camp. That was a badass present. And another shout out to something my wife gave me at some point. Nothing comes to mind, but I don't want my Christmas 'alternate orifice' privileges to be revoked.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Question: Nicki Minaj or Iggy Azalea?

I feel like this question was buried in my queue and has now surfaced a few years late. Has something new happened between these two, or something relevant that pits them against each other?

No? It's just a butt thing? Okay.

I have no problems whatsoever with whatever Iggy Azalea is doing, but in terms of their musical stylings, I prefer Nicki Minaj.

I have no problems whatsoever with whatever Iggy Azalea is doing with her butt, but in terms of butt stylings, I prefer Nicki Minaj.

Also, Nicki's fake boobs are pretty good as fake boobs go. And if they're not fake boobs - because I refuse to do any research for this - then good work with that whole thing.

Short Answer: I should dislike Nicki Minaj because of her diva behaviour on American Idol, but because she was next to Mariah Carey who was being way worse, it softened the blow. Kind of like if you fell out of a plane, and landed on Nicki's bottom.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Question: Oh, Christmas Tree, oh, Christmas you go!'re made of something toxic.

...the star on your head is my bumhole. look like you were decorated with the things a homeless lady could spare. the second example you're inside me.

...maybe it's being glossed over but I'm using you for sexual pleasure.

...the brushy aspect of your plastic branches, plus the fact that your top branch is hard and long, allows you to serve the purpose of reaching my A-spot with great efficacy.

...while I'm sitting on you, I can achieve climax by getting a second party to give me a phat reach around with my Rudolph hand-puppet.

...I'm got to the point where I can hold on, for just a second, and get my partner to turn the puppet on, so that right when I'm about to finish, Rudolph's nose lights up.

...that's when the tree is pulled out of my anus at great speed, and the mag-stripe of pleasure in my ass registers a gooooooood time.

....and to complete the process I sing 'fa-la-la-la-la' the way Bill Murray does in Scrooged.

Short Answer: Don't be sad, Christmas Tree. Everything goes up inside me eventually. That's a secret promise that gets made the moment you cross the threshold of my house. Ask anyone.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Question: Proletariat! Jump the fence, heathenous scum!!

Oh boy.

Earlier, I'm pretty sure I heard someone say 'truefully'.

I'm out.

Short Answer: These are supposed to be questions. Does anyone remember that?

Note: Truefully? Fuck.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Question: How much do you love the Kardashians?

Yeah! Christmas is the best!

I went shopping the other day, and it was awesome. I drove super far through this winter wonder land, then had a blast parking amongst the snow and slush (even though it took me twenty minutes to get a spot) and on the way home I sang out loud to the Christmas carols on the radio!

I love Christmas!

Short Answer: This time of year, I recommend replacing many proper nouns with the word Christmas. It makes for far better conversations. (By the way, did anyone notice Kim Christmas's big fat ass?)

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Question: What do I want for Christmas?

A promise of increased frequency of oral stimulation.

I know a promise might not sound like much, but hope that an empty promise may become half-filled (especially by saliva) is a pretty solid gift as well.

Everybody wants more mouth on their junk, whether they're afraid to admit it or not. Staring down the new year the way an eager pair of quivering lips stares down the barrel of a juicy, sexual organ is...wait, I lost my train of thought.

I...have to go.

Short Answer: Mouth sex!!!

Monday, December 12, 2016

Question: Can Santelephant fit down the chimney?

No. Santelephant isn't real. I'm sorry to break it to you. Those presents have been coming for your parents. Yes, the trunk, the horn, all of's from your folks. Santelephant is just a story we tell our kids so they'll believe in magic, and the concept that an elephant can dress itself.

Short Answer: Seriously, what the fuck, Internet?

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Question: How would you sum up 2016?

Old white guys take one last shot at the brass ring?

American icons die in a prelude to America itself taking a near fatal blow?

Uninformed morons propagate terrible hatred?

Everyone gets offended?

Freedom of speech gets confused with fear of criticism?

Racists take it out for a stroll?

America votes Orange, then realizes they've voted Green?, that's all pretty negative. I know people have been saying that 2016 sucked, but I never really thought about it. How can a whole year suck? And yet, with all the deaths and Brexits and Trumpstains, it's hard not to see it upon review.

To battle all this negativity, here are some of the good things about 2016:

I had sex with my wife over seven times.

Short Answer: That is all.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Question: Do you go angel or star for the top of your tree?

Is this a religious trap?

Why can't I believe in angels and still keep Christmas secular!?! Why won't you people let me live?!?

I've had this star for years. I don't know where it came from; it's red and gold and green and it looks kind of cheap and shitty and old. That's my go to. I don't think there's a single angel on my tree, or anywhere in my Christmas decorations. This isn't by design, but a lot of the stuff I have for decorating I inherited from my family, and they aren't very religious.

To be clear, my Iron Man ornament goes very near the top of the tree as well, and one year held the highest position. He's awesome because he's in full arched-back, speeding upwards pose, which makes him suitable for the job.

I have a Wolverine and a Captain America ornament as well, and those guys are kind of like angels, right?

Eeyore? Homer Simpson?

Short Answer: There are other stars on my tree, though, so they win out for sure. The only thing I have that's close to an angel is a delicate, faux-diamond snowman with huge testicles. I just made up the testicles part. I felt like this post needed some humour, but then I felt dishonest. Christmas is good for making us all better people. Christmas isn't about snowman balls, ya idiots!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Questions: Would you like a sherpa?

There is little to no doubt in my mind that this is in reference to some creepy sex act. So no, I don't want someone to 'carry my things' while I'm pooping or give me a creamy 'stache so it looks like I've been out in the cold, or rub something oily into my skin and call me a yeti. That last one probably didn't make a lot of sense, but in my defense, I rarely make any sense.

Short Answer: Festooned!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Question: What does your Christmas movie lineup look like this year?

Haven't really gotten into it yet.

Here's the best of list I did in 2013. Don't think it's changed much.

Last few years we've been really into doing the A Christmas Story/Black Christmas double-header, both directed by Bob Clark.

We almost always watch Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, just for that super odd, nearly depressing song. And the wife usually pushes Rudolph and I escape out a side door. We almost always do Elf, Scrooged and either Bad Santa or National Lampoon. And this year we're doing a traditional Christmas Eve with my father, so there'll probably be a Grinch siting.

Might be a Die Hard year. And a Blackadder year, if I can find the damn thing.

Short Answer: Fave Scenes:

Monday, December 5, 2016

Question: When was the last time you watched Harry and the Hendersons?

What a funny coincidence. That's what I call my penis and balls!

Short Answer: This was the best possible outcome. You see that, don't you?

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Question: Help! I'm all out of money and I need to buy Christmas presents!

If you expect my help to be monetary in nature, you're shit out of luck. I've had to blow a dude three times this year just to pay for hot water.

Now, as for advice, which I can give out for free, I suggest you blow a dude.

It's really not so bad. You could pretty much do anything for five or ten minutes if afterward a problem was solved. Just think about any situation that causes you stress. Oh no, the car is making a funny noise. Imagine the Five to Ten Minute Elf showing up and saying, 'What about something uncomfortable to make that noise go away?' And then he pulls out a hefty dildo and suggests you grab those ankles. Would you say no, if you knew that taking that dildo in the tookus for five to ten minutes would mean no expensive car repair, and more importantly, you could put the problem from your mind? I don't know about you, but I'd be bent over like a poorly struck nail in about two ankles flat.

How did this become about oral and anal you might ask? And how did I manage to include an elf, making the post even more Christmassy? Because I'm the man, and my advice is good. So find a guy who likes to pay for blowies, put a cushion under your knees...

Short Answer: ...and have a Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Question: Which is the best angel?

I'm guessing you misspelled angle.

Forty-five degrees?

Short Answer: Fuck, are you disappointed.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Question: I just read one of your older posts and I felt like it necessitated a question more so than a comment. On your post about the term 'ass-backwards' you say that someone 'growls and groans like a masturbating sheepdog'. Do you have experience with dog masturbation?

I'm assuming this is a long-time reader, first time question-asker. Thanks for reading the show!

No I don't fucking have experience with dog masturbation! I mean, what kind of experience could I possibly have? If I jacked off a terrier it wouldn't be dog masturbation, you idiot!

I've watched videos of dogs masturbating just about as much as the next curious guy, but that doesn't count as experience, and I sure as hell have never seen a sheepdog doing it.

Oh, by the way:

That's the post we're talking about. I thought the more poignant stuff in here was the anal sex, but I guess that wasn't your thing. You wanted to focus on the dog masturbation. What's with you, man? You make your mom proud with those mouth kisses! Or something!

Short Answer: Seriously, thanks for participating. We'll hear from you again, I'm sure of it.