Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Question: If you could edit your own life, what would you cut?

A few inches from my penis. I'm tired of seeing that look in a woman's eye, that 'I can't possibly handle this' look. Watching them regress through their lives, seeing a reflection in their gaze of every dick they've ever encountered, looking for some way to process the monstrosity before them; it's very difficult to witness a woman go through that. If affects me deeply, both psychologically and physically.

In other words, it's their fault that I'm impotent.

Short Answer: In all seriousness, I'd probably cut out the part of my brain that makes me feel stress when something insignificant happens. And replace it with the ability to make money. That's how this works, right? You can just cut pieces out of your brain? Maybe I should edit the idiot out of myself.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Question: I'm starting to worry that my wife doesn't love me. Is there a test I can use to find out for sure?

Yes. It's called the 'penis in mouth' exam, and it goes a little something like this.

Try putting your penis in your wife's mouth. If her mouth remains closed, and she looks at you with 'uh-uh' eyes, then she doesn't love you.

If, however, you sometimes find her mouth around your penis and you didn't even see that shit comin', she loves you.

We all do things for each other in a relationship. There are compromises of all varieties. Some are intellectual, some emotional. Some are physical. Letting you put your extra sweaty dick in her mouth is one of a wife's most common compromises. She does it for the good of the team, and sometimes, because she has foresight and her heart is full of caring, she'll work those balls, too.

I often think when people claim that there is no oral love in their relationship, that there is something missing. So if you fail the 'penis in mouth' test, proving your wife doesn't love you, before giving up, trying increasing your level of compromise in the relationship. For example, I'll bet she's got a butt that needs a good licking.

Short Answer: This undoubtedly helped you.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Question: Are you taking advantage of Cyber Monday?

Do any of you remember when 'cybering' was having sex with people online? Like, you'd go into a chat room and 'cyber' with someone by saying dirty shit?

I remember. And that's why Cyber Monday, to me, sounds like a digital fuckfest. Don't even ask what Black Friday means to me.

Short Answer: Ask my wife!

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Question: I had sex with your wife!

Seinfeld was funny.

This, however, is probably not about that. Because my wife has sex with so many people, it would be silly and presumptuous of me to assume this is a throw away. There's a good chance you actually did have sex with my wife.

Which one were you?

Bored in the Staples' bathroom?
Guy who said he was a hockey player at the bus stop?
Homeless man with 'nice hair'?
That chick from down the hall who likes the Bangles?
Any black guy?

Short Answer: My wife spreads a lot of joy. Who am I to interfere? She still keeps a special hole for me. It's the one she makes with her finger and thumb. Did you think I meant the butt? No, no, no. She does anal with almost everyone she meets. What a lady!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Question: A man steps out of the twilight zone and offers you the greatest vacation you could imagine, catch? No one including you will ever remember it and from what you can tell no time even goes by. It's just lost to time... do you do it anyway?

I bet you thought this made sense, didn't you? I bet you thought I'd understand what you were saying, and answer you in one of the ways you envisioned.

This did not happen. Prepare to have your dreams crushed and your expectations remain unfulfilled.

I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Who steps out of the Twilight Zone? Weren't we in it all along? Why did you say 'catch' at the end of your first statement? Were you throwing me a ball? Was it your way of saying 'ya dig?'

If I won't remember it, won't it be just like I blinked and it was over? Won't I be standing right there, wondering how the fuck someone who 'stepped out of the twilight zone' just offered me a vacation that never happened?

What's the point of doing it if I have no memory of it whatsoever? The value of it is lessened to the point that my concern I'd contract Hepatitis outweighs any fun I might have in the moment. (And just to be clear, my 'perfect' vacation would involve a lot more possible disease contractions, mostly of the STD variety. The kind you get from wildlife if that's a thing.)

Okay, just by breaking it down I think I'm starting to understand. This is a question about whether or not a thing has merit in the moment if you're not going to remember it later. My answer to that is yes, because memory is unreliable, and living in the now is the total shit. So to further that thought, yes, I would take that man up on his vacation, so long as I didn't contract syphilis or grow any older.

Short Answer: Are you still trying to make 'catch' a thing? (Also, we should totally encourage all those jackasses who take vacations to kill endangered species to fuck those animals instead of shooting them. That way, everybody wins. Unless, of course, somehow they manage to impregnate the animals and create a super-hybrid jackass species intent on fucking and killing inappropriate things, like humans. That could be trouble. Did I make fun of you earlier for not making any sense? My bad.)

Friday, November 25, 2016

Question: How about a bunch of random shit, today?

I just woke up with this thought in my head: It's like putting bug spray in your mouth. Sure it tastes bad, but at least there aren't any bugs in your mouth. (What this is 'like' I haven't yet figured out.)

Today, I said out loud, 'Get up, you sack of paltry crap.'

If you type 'dump in a' into Google, 'box' is the fourth entry.

I've never watched the film Mr. Holland's Opus because the title grosses me out.

If you prefer handjobs to blowjobs, you're the reason for the bad things.

Luke Cage - the Netflix show - is bad.

I think the story of Snow White would be more realistic under one of these two conditions: 1) There were only three dwarves, or 2) Snow White had seven orifices.

I think the above joke is extremely solid.

I've always thought David Hasselhoff was kind of a jackass. And those 'Don't Hassel the Hoff' t-shirts are annoying and shitty.

I wish I could wear skin-tight shorts everywhere. They make me feel pretty.

Short Answer: I think a good way to deal with the Donald Trump presidency is for all of us to pretend that Hillary Clinton won, and then act accordingly, so that when Trump does terrible/stupid things, we all react with an increased level of surprise and rage as though Hillary had done those things. This will be the appropriate amount of surprise and rage to counteract the normalization of that braying, tangerine jackhole.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Question: Are you getting ready for Christmas yet?

Go fuck yourself!

Sadly, yes. I'm trying super hard not to get stressed out about it, and failing. Christmas is supposed to be wonderful and still, every year, there's a period of organization and expenditure that fights back against all the good.

Maybe one day I'll figure it out. I'd really like it to be a magical month, at least. Getting the shopping done early helps with the stress, but it also takes away from the 'out shopping around Christmas' feeling that I like.

I love Christmas. I wish the feeling would spread throughout the year, or at least a few weeks into November, so I could be buoyed by the goodness.

Almost there.

Short Answer: I'm ready for Christmas all year, bitches.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Question: I love you. I love your blog. I want your fingers in my hair. I want you inside me.

Mom! For fuck sake!

Okay, this won't wasn't my mother, but still. Pretty matronly, right?

Okay, maybe not.

Here's the deal. I'm married. Not only that, I'm married to a woman who's better than you. Plead however you like; it will fall on deaf ears and beautiful boobs.

Short Answer: If my wife was into it, we could talk, but mostly she's too asleep to get aroused. It's hard being as awesome as she is, so she has to sleep a lot. At least that's what she tells me. It's also why her vagina has to stay 'penis-free' and her mouth remain 'balls-light'.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Question: I like to put cream on my thighs.

Mom! I said read the blog, not post questions!


Short Answer: Are thighs the grossest part of the body to put cream on? Maybe.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Question: I want to make love to Catwoman, but she doesn't exist. What do I do?

Have sex with a cat?

No, no, you wouldn't be able to get 'catsent' from the cat, and meow sounds more like no than yes in most situations.

Have sex with a woman?

I can see how that might be difficult for you to arrange without the proper funding.

The answer is a simple one, then. Find a cosplayer, a chick who's real in real life who dresses up like Catwoman. She'll be nerdy enough to put up with your philosophies on all things geek, while still having low enough standers to let you take a peek under her goggles.

Short Answer: You sure you want Catwoman? Oh, wait, I get it. This is leading up to a 'threesome with the Batman' type situation. Proceed with my blessing.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Question: I've got a lot of pockets. Do you think Jesus would approve?

I'm not sure pockets were even invented when Jesus was around. I suppose he wouldn't mind you having a place to put your wallet/phone/tissues/forgiveness etc.

Let's be honest: Jesus is busy. That dude must be ruling over all tang up there in heaven. He's got a sweet ride, cash to burn, and a magnificent wiener set to seek and destroy saved pussy. I'll bet he's not too concerned with whether or not you go 'cargo shorts' today.

Short Answer: I can't say if Jesus is into fashion or not. I've always assumed he was a robe guy, which to me is more about lazy than trying to make a statement. Why bother getting dressed when you can just robe it? As for the convenience of many pockets, I can't see him having any sort of problem with it. As a carpenter, I'm sure he'd appreciate having a place to put his little pencil and some fruit roll ups and shit. Am I rambling, now? I don't know what the fuck is with this question. Did I just start two sentences in a row with the word 'as'? Jesus would fucking hate that. He likes fluid writing style. That I'm sure of. Like in the Bible when they list all the things you're not allowed to eat and what we have dominion over. That shit was tight. Am I still writing this? Feels like I'm only thinking it now. Like a bad dream. I've tried at every turn to make a blasphemous joke in this post and I can't find one funny fucking thing. You keep money in your pockets. That plus the money lenders at the temple or something? Fuck me.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Question: Why do people say cheese before getting their picture taken?

I've heard people say it's because it simulates a smile. But when I say cheese, all that happens is my bottom jaw juts out and I get a food woodrow.

The origins are lost in the annals of Time's ass, I'm afraid.

Here's some interesting shit. They say different words in different places.

In Argentina, they say 'whiskey'.
In Bulgaria, they say, 'cabbage'.
In China, they say 'eggplant'.
In Denmark, they say, 'orange'.
In France, they say, 'marmoset'.
In Korea, they say, 'kimchi'.
In Spain, they say, 'potato'.
In Sweden, they say, 'omelette'.

In my house, they say, 'Keith! Get your fingers away from your crotch!'

They know where that can lead.

Short Answer: I've also ruined a few Christmas cards with some pretty deep knee bends and significant, kilted squats.

Note: I got this shit from Wikipedia (except for the crotch-fingering part). At the bottom, under See Also, it read: Cheese, the food to which this phrase refers. I thought that was fucking funny.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Question: #DetectiveNovels

Wash, Rinse...Die!
You Only Murder Once
The Paleo Diet Killer
Knock, Knock. Who's There? Murder!
Wash, Die...Repeat!
Aren't You Glad I Didn't Say Murder?
It's Always in the Last Place you Die
Don't Look A Gift Murder in the Murder
Murder, Rinse...Repeat!
I'm With Stupid and He's Going to Kill You
Shake Off the Blood
The Power Bottom Driller
There Once Was a Dead Man from Nantucket
There's a Place in France Where the Naked Women are Murdered
With This Murder, I Thee Wed
Die Before C, Except After Murder
If You Can't Kill Anything Nice, Don't Kill Anything at All
A Knife in the Back is Worth Two in the Front
The Murder Clown Murders
If A Tree Falls in the Forest and Lands on Someone...Is it Murder?
The Early Bird Gets the Noose
People Kill People...With Murder!
Nothing Killed, Nothing Gained
Why Did the Murderer Cross the Road?
A Place for Dying, and Dying in its Place
That Guy Who Killed Those Dudes
Murder is 20/20
The Sexual Predator Summer Camp Murders
Hey! You! Got off of My Corpse!

Short Answer: Anyone else think I was going to write: A Knife in the Back is Worth Two in the Bush? 'Cause that's gross.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Question: Will trivia games become obsolete due to the internet?

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Do you mean trivia nights or trivia games? Because if you use your phone for that you're a fuckin' asshole.

I guess what you're saying is that we won't learn the same way because we have pocket access to all the knowledge of humanity, so why would we bother with remembering things?

Yeah. That's already happening.

I used to be smart. Now, before I can say my smart thing, someone's reading facts from their phone. Besides making me seem dumb, there's also no guarantee that anything written on the internet is a fact. You might claim that a person like me can't be trusted either, but you'd be being an asshole.

Short Answer: I always thought knowing lots of stuff was kinda overrated anyway. It might have got me some tail in my youth, but now that I'm married to a big, fat garbage monster, I don't really need to attract any more mates. (I don't know why I felt the need to insult my wife. I guess just thinking about the tail I used to get makes me resentful. And the fact that she's fat as fuck and smells like a tire fire that got out of control and was doused with fresh entrails from people that had eaten recently at Taco Del Mar.)

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Question: If you could have dinner with Chris Farley or Salma Hayek who would you pick? You only get dinner.

Your addendum to this question ruined it for everyone.

Unless I could somehow finagle a topless dinner, the charm of Salma Hayek might be lost on me, whilst watching her eat peas with a fork or some such shit. If I don't get to see titties or bang face, then I'm definitely going with Farley.

Don't get me wrong. From what I can tell, Salma Hayek is a delightful, intelligent, funny person. But she's not one of the funniest people ever.

And don't get me wrong, Farley also has tits.

And don't get me wrong, I'd really like to have sex with both of them at the same time.

Short Answer: Don't Get Me Wrong by the Pretenders is a good song. Don't know why that popped into my head.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Question: I'm worried about fitting all these golf balls in.

An ass can hold a lot.

Trust me.

Short Answer: I'm not even sure you deserve this much of an answer.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Question: Super tired of politics...can you talk about anything else? get a poem.

Dreaming active of the day that I am
special like tides of refuse near the edge of joy

Walking into situations blessed with nary
a thought of consequence and costing those engaged

Having to differentiate myself from all
that is to keep my head above the murk of dreams

Accepting the responsibility of a thousand moments
passed over, a million needs unmet for all the conscientious

In honor of the fallen men, in honor of the reaching girls,
in dignity with spurned remorse, in horror of the present course

In step with terror at our sleeves, inferior in thoughts and deeds,
in dignity with earned remorse, in horror of the present course

Short Answer: Hope Must First Fall Eternal

Note: Fooled you! Still politics, motherfucker! (Don't worry. I'm tired of it, too.)

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Question: How do you think we'll all heal from this now that Hillary Clinton is president?


I hate to be the bearer of bad news and clich├ęs that make you think of bears but have no bears in them, but that shit didn't happen.

Maybe you went to bed early? (Suppertime?) Or maybe you don't get how the electoral college works. (About as well as Trump University.)

Donald Trump is the president elect of the united states. So we'll just put off the healing for four years or so. Imagine you just got braces. There. That's better.

Short Answer: Best way to heal in my book is to use your magic to defeat the dragon and save the princess. (I write fantasy books.)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Question: I'm a big fan. How exactly do I go about asking a question?

Not sure if you're going to be pleased with this or not.

Ya just did!

First of all, thank you for saying that you're a fan. I don't get a lot of that sort of positivity, and it feels good in my cockles. I know people read my blog, but the format itself seems to discourage comments. I've never tried to change this because usually comment section interactions are the worst of humanity, but it also discourages people from saying 'good job' or 'well-maintained scrotum'.

So, welcome to the blog. You're officially participating. I suggest you go back, think up a real doozy, and cram it up your behind!

Short Answer: You're welcome!

Friday, November 11, 2016

Question: Are you okay with taxidermy?

As long as you take all my organs out and make a nice meal for my friends, you can do whatever you want with my husk. I think I'd be a great stuffed guy. I could sit at the dinner table all day, or in front of the TV. You could take me out on adventures, like to Disneyland, and I could be in the picture with you on Splash Mountain. Just you, freaking out, hands in the air and me, a dead, expressionless human full of sawdust.

Or I guess you could give me an expression. I think if I had a choice I'd go with 'sly'. Maybe even 'sly with a wink'.

Short Answer: You mean animals and shit? Nah, it's weird. (I don't feel like pets are also trophies.)

"So this is what I got for keeping Roofus alive all those years."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Question: How about some levity in the face of Trumpworld?


A Trump walks into a bar that has the word Trump over the door in big, gold letters. Inside the bar is a gaudy nightmare that looks like it was pulled from the bowels of a bad vampire novel. He sits down at the bar and before ordering, destroys all progress in terms of abortion, gay marriage and civil rights for minorities that has been achieved over the last few decades.


Short Answer: Buy a hat and hold the fuck onto it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Question: President Trump! Suck it, liberals!

Preparing to suck it, sir. Is there anything else you need?

My instinct at this moment is humour, which may piss some people off because they want to be sad, and that's fine, but, ya know, fartbutts!

I'll say one thing. Calling out huge groups of people as liberals or conservatives is dumb. We're all complex fuckers. The divisiveness is probably the most troubling thing about America right now.

Having said that, you won. Gloat if you want; I've been known to do a victory dance or three. But don't forget how you won. Don't forget where your votes came from, and what really happened here in terms of policy, lack of facts, deceit, xenophobia and the riling up of negative emotions. This isn't so much a liberal loss or a conservative victory as it is a fear victory, a victory for the power of incitement, and a victory fuelled by a call for change where no change was necessarily needed. This victory preyed on the baser parts of people, and it's important that we remember that fact moving forward. Now we get to see if that change is good for the country and the world.

If it turns out you're right, and this sort of change makes the world better, I'll be right there dancing with you.

Short Answer: Let's just say I'm not breaking out my dancing shoes anytime soon.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Question: Who's the President?

Barack Obama?

And I fixed your mistake. Their aren't supposed to be semicolons in that phrase.

So you're dumb, I get it.

The President doesn't really change on the day of the election, but I'll answer the spirit of your question.

It will be Hillary Clinton because people can't actually be dumb enough to fall for that ragged, sweaty, mandarin-coated fucktard.

Or, it will be Trump because people are too complacent and think exactly what I just said.

Get the fuck out and vote to save your country, you lazy fuckers!

Short Answer: Now's the time to participate, even if you never have before. The whole world is afraid of what will happen if Trump gets in. Get that through your skull and vote.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Question: You are stranded on a desert island and can either have every Bare Naked Ladies album or every W.A.S.P. album. You must listen to one album a day. Who's it gonna be?

One of the first things I thought of here, which may not be in the spirit of the question, is how many albums? I think variety would be key to not going absolutely batty.

Turns out W.A.S.P. and the Barenaked Ladies have about the same amount of studio albums, 14 or 15, so that's not a big factor. What comes out of this is, holy shit, W.A.S.P. made that many albums?

The answer is Barenaked Ladies. The first song that came to mind when I saw this question was Call and Answer, one of my favorite singles of the past couple of decades. That alone tips the scales. Also, as body of work goes, the Barenaked Ladies have the next eight or ten best songs.

It's pretty much a landslide victory except for the fact that W.A.S.P.'s singer, Blackie Lawless, has the coolest rock 'n' roll voice ever. That gives me pause and forces consideration where it's hardly necessary. Problem is, I think listening to W.A.S.P. for too long would just make me want to listen to Motley Crue, and on this island scenario, that would be infuriating. The Barenaked Ladies don't really sound like anyone else, and that would completely eliminate the problem.

In case I need to make more of an argument, the Barenaked Ladies are by far the more decorated band, and have a huge lead in sales, awards and Billboard success. The quality and variety of their catalogue wins out.

To be more accurate in terms of critique, I don't think W.A.S.P. has the riffing chops to be up there with other great hair metal acts. They have a comparable sound to better bands, and that just won't do. Better lead guitar and more dynamic drumming choices would serve them better. Even on their big hits you can here this complacency in their song-writing, a sickness in the Los Angeles rock scene in the eighties.

In fairness, W.A.S.P. has made a lot of music over the years, and they've had some pretty talented members. And they wrote the songs Blind in Texas and L.O.V.E Machine which are pretty badass. I think like a lot of bands from that scene, they would've been better served in another place and another decade.

Short Answer: Barenaked Ladies. 'Cause some days you don't want to be yelled at about pussy and booze.

Note: I didn't choose W.A.S.P. because I was angry at having to type W.A.S.P. over and over again. It's a real pain in the ass. I assume you did this on purpose to fuck with me. Way to skew your own experiment, obvious member of the band W.A.S.P.!

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Question: Do you like Pina Coladas?

No. I think they're gross. They taste like pineapple got a bad infection, squeezed out some gnarly puss, and mixed that up with coconut ball-sweat.

(Man. If coconut's had balls, I bet they'd taste awesome.)

That may have seemed like a contradictory opinion, but, fuck you.

For the record, I don't like getting caught in the rain, either. That's a dumb question. Nobody likes that. And I like the rain. I'll go out into the already established rain like few others. But you don't want to be out in your nice shirt and knickers and then get dumped on. For that matter, who likes getting caught in anything? Tax fraud, bear trap, finger in the pie? It's all bad news. I reiterate: dumb question.

I do like making love at midnight. Because that's the most likely time for ghosts to be watching and I like to have an audience.

Are there more lyrics to this song? I don't think I care.

Wait. There's the having half-a-brain, part. That's a stupid phrase to put into a song. This song is shit. And what's wrong with yoga, you troglodyte?

Short Answer: Who sang this fuckin' shit song?

Note: Rupert Holmes, and the song is actually called Escape. Fuck all that.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Question: Have you ever seen moldy pizza?

Fuck no. How is it possible to let pizza go moldy?

Here's a true tale of what happens when I buy pizza.

First, I get too much. Even though it's just for my wife and I, I will always buy two pizzas. Usually mediums, unless in that five minute window of ordering I feel like a fat shit, and then I get smalls. But ninety percent of the time it's mediums.

Then, we sit down to eat said pizza and I eat eight pieces. I don't know where I came up with that number, but that's the limit. Then, I'll wait ten to twenty minutes to see if that makes me full, leaving the rest of the pizza out before me. Whether I feel full or not, I will most likely consume the rest of the pizza over the next few minutes to few hours.

If I don't eat it all, I will put the two to four pieces left into the fridge. (Never one. If there's one left I'll just eat it because who could be bothered?) The next morning, I will either gleefully sprint to the fridge and consume the leftover pizza, or I'll be pleasantly surprised upon opening the fridge and I will gleefully consume the leftover pizza.

I guess the only way I'd ever see moldy pizza is if I went dumpster diving, or discovered a dead body next door and they hadn't finished their pizza before they'd expired. I can't say for sure - in either circumstance - that I wouldn't eat the moldy pizza.

Short Answer: I'd at least eat around the mold.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Question: Short Answer?

This is a mind fuck.

Are you asking why I do short answers? Or are you asking me to just do a short answer? What am I doing a short answer about? Short Answers?

Short Answer: I like short answers. I guess...

Note: This is on you.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Question: Who wins in a fight, Carrot Top or Carrot Bottom?

I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but I'm in love with this question. You have a beautiful mind, sir/miss.

My instinct is that Carrot Top would win in any fight because he's so ripped, but I'm intrigued to think of what distinct traits Carrot Bottom would bring to the table. First off, does Carrot Bottom have fluffy, green hair?

I'd like to think that the reason a person would get the name 'Carrot Bottom' is because they put a carrot in their bottom, which might prepare them for some hearty anal sex in the future, but not necessarily make them tough in a fight. Or, the name Carrot Bottom could refer to the position one likes while in sexual congress.

Any way you slice the carrot, I think the Top beats the Bottom. Unless of course Carrot Bottom is an hilarious comedian.

Short Answer: I think the question itself is stronger than the answer. I don't think I could possibly give an answer funny enough to do it justice. Well played.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Question: Can poops come to life?

Sir? It's time to change your diet.

The answer to this question is simple. Poops are dead. They're dead when you eat them, and they're dead in your stomach, and they're dead in your butt. Toilet water is not the fountain of youth, or that pool in Cocoon. It is not magical. It is water with some pee in it.

Poops don't live. You wouldn't want them to. The tales they would tell.

Short Answer: I assume you made a bad boom-boom and this is your way of telling the world. That's fine, but maybe try some fiber and shut-up.