Monday, October 31, 2016

Question: Happay Halloween! What movies should I watch tonight?

I usually fix minor spelling errors in questions, but I wasn't so sure with this one. Might just be the way you say 'happy', so I left it in.

Happay Halloween to you, too!

The Exorcist.
The Shining.
The Omen.
The Ring.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Return of the Living Dead.
Friday the 13th.
The Lost Boys.
Shaun of the Dead.
American Werewolf in London.
The Fly.
The Thing.
Evil Dead.
The Changeling.
The Orphanage.
The Babadook.
Rosemary's Baby.
Let the Right One in.
The Wicker Man.
Near Dark.

There. That's thirty. If there's a movie on this list that you haven't seen, that's your huckleberry for tonight. If you've seen them all...well, let's be fair. You don't really need my help.

Short Answer: I also highly recommend Tales From the Crypt episodes. Do a little research and find the best ones. My favorite is Season 4, Episode 7: The New Arrival.

Note: You can also do a 'halloween' or 'horror' search and you'll find other lists I've done on blog.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Question: What are you going as for Halloween this year?

I don't really have anywhere to go as at.


My wife and I were just discussing that we may have to take on the mantel of Halloween party throwers in the years to come, as our tribe is lacking a designated Halloween party thrower.

That doesn't mean you have to have a party to go to. Sometimes, my wife and I would just walk around the neighborhood, watching all the little kiddies. My go to costume for said event was a long black wig and a skeleton mask with a cowboy hat. This was my 'soul ranger' costume, from the video board game Atmosphere. But years ago my wig got too ratty and my skull mask too dirty and I abandoned them. (I assume they took on a life of their own and began murdering, and continue to do so every Halloween.)

My wife suggested that I go as Gord Downie this year because I own a Jaws t-shirt. I suggested she should mind her own beeswax.


Short Answer: Sadly, I do not have a costume this year, so I guess I'll just be going as 'crazy man sleepwalking' a costume that consists solely of one sock.

Note: Sock is worn normally, not upon the wiener.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Question: What do you think about David Crosby saying that Kanye West sucks at everything?


I don't know what to think of Kanye. Some claim he's a genius. I have no evidence to the contrary, but his public demeanor makes for a difficult-to-overcome level of bias.

I think there's a polarization effect in calling someone a genius. Maybe we should lay off with the big lingo and then there might not be so much backlash. If we just said, 'he's good at what he does' would people care so much? Would we feel the need to define him in such hyperbolic terms?

As for David Crosby, I don't know what his game is. I guess he just thinks that Kanye sucks, which if you ask me, is as valid an opinion as thinking he's some sort of musical deity. And let us not forget, Kanye himself thinks he is some sort of musical deity. If you said, 'musical deity' to him, he'd be all like, 'I dig that. I am that.'

Short Answer: Maybe it's just jealously because everyone on this planet and their dog wants to fuck his wife. David Crosby's wife, I mean.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Question: Enough about Trump. What about David S. Pumpkins?

I love you, whoever you are.

Yes! Yes to all things David Pumpkins!

I'm not even going to explain who this is. Go look it up, jerks! It goes with Tom Hanks and/or SNL. I'm literally so happy to be talking about David Pumpkins that I'm typing around an erection. Seriously, I have my penis between my wrists. I'm holding it back awkwardly as it bobbles around.

Did this get weird?

Short Answer: It's appropriate.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Question: I have trouble getting my famly to watch horror movies with me. Any suggestions?

Get a new family?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? It's Halloween for Pagan Christ's sake!

No, I get it. I've been scared so badly by horror movies that I can understand how having a little less tolerance could dictate a lifelong avoidance. Horror movies can fuck you up. They can keep you from sleeping, and make the simplest noises sound ominous, or the shifting of shadows resemble your deepest, darkest fears.

But if you like gore and titties, I'd suggest you stick with it, champ!

I suppose you could try to lure them in with some fake Horror buzzwords, like Thriller and Suspense, that can fool people. Some folks actually do like Horror movies, they just don't realize it. Start them off with something more psychological and you might find it's a way to get to the more 'stabbed in the eye by a topless witch' type stuff.

What I'm most happy about is to here that you want to share your love of Horror with your family. Some feel ashamed, and want to keep it all to themselves. The family sitting around the television watching a scary movie is a joy for me to imagine.

Short Answer: Survival Horror can be a good way to fool people into watching scary movies. Give that a try. The little ones won't quite understand the context, but it will still scare the shit out of them. Yay!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Question: What horror movies are you watching this Halloween?

Which ones aren't I watching?

I kid, I kid. There are lots of horror movies. But can you imagine?

What the fuck were we talking about? Or yeah, no one's talking to me. I'm sitting here alone. Naked.


Some people go crazy for Horror on Halloween and watch movies every night, or have giant stacks to get through. I don't like chores, so I don't do that. I have my annual Halloween Horror Day, and this year I'll be watching The Omen, The Bay, Antichrist, Creep and Torso.

Besides that, my friend - purging his DVD collection - gifted me the entire run of Tales From the Crypt. So I did some research and found the best thirty episodes. My wife and I are halfway through that endeavor as of right now. I used to watch when I was a kid, and that show is a distinct, nostalgic pleasure, full of gore and nudity and famous fuckers in odd situations.

I used to do a Halloween week, where I would have a theme every night, and my wife and I would watch at least a couple of movies and anyone we knew was welcome to come over and join us. Sadly, the people in my life don't take watching Horror at Halloween as seriously as I do, and so the practice waned due to lack of attendance.

This just made me sad. I'm axing all of my friends and getting new ones! I meant axing in the real way, like in an episode of Tales From the Crypt! Get it?

(cackles like the Crypt keeper, realizes he's alone and naked, stops)

Other than the above, I've watched The Babadook with some friends, and The Witch with my wife. I'm planning to check out a few newer ones, and who knows what shenanigans I might get up to otherwise; I have a shelf of Horror DVDs sitting just to my right. My wife and I, with a swarthy friend of ours, watched Ringu and Ju-On a few years back as a doubleheader, and we've talked of doing The Ring and The Grudge the same way. That would be a good Halloween night for those who like sleep but like staring at the shadows with a little shit in their pajamas more.

Short Answer: I actually don't wear pajamas to bed, so the shit would be directly on the bed sheets. Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Question: I thought the poem you wrote yesterday was stupid.

A) Not a question.

B) You've forced me to answer this 'question' today, because otherwise it wouldn't make sense.

C) Art is subjective.

D) Where the fuck is your poem, ass?

Short Answer: That is all.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Question: Write us a poem, luv.

This feels like it must be from my grandmother, though I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

(One of my grandmothers doesn't much like using the internet, and the other is a convicted hacksaw murderer so deep in the bowels of an American prison that she hardly sees the light. But to be fair, those kids were on her lawn.)

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, right. You want a poem. Shit.

Petunias are the thing, when you're looking for some color,
when you're looking at the dead or want a wedding to go smoothly
Petunias are the cure to needing contrast to your pallor,
when you look into the mirror and wish your skin was smoother
Petunias are the reason that the kids were on the lawn,
not because they are the offspring of demons from the moon.
Pieces of petunias sandwiched in between the bodies,
smelling putrid long after the children have gone dry.
Why, oh why, oh why, did you ever plant petunias?
Why, nan, did you feel the need to brighten up your lawn?

Short Answer: For my nana, Hacksaw Marge. Miss your biscuits!

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Question: What kind of poison should I use this Hallowe'en?


Good question.

What you want to do is get all the poisons, lay them out in a row, and start trying them yourself. Eventually you'll get to the one you think is best.

Short Answer: Also, you can't know the sharpness of a razor blade until you test it on your own wrists. Make sure to cut along the length of your wrist, not across. You know, because of the sharpness thing.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Question: What's the reddest rainbow you've ever seen?

Jesus Christ.

I don't usually go this route, but I think you should probably drop everything and go to a mental doctor. If you've seen a red rainbow at all, either your eyes are full of rage or they're bleeding. Or you've really misunderstood what the LGBT community is trying to accomplish.

Do you have a lot of strawberries on your face?

You know what, never mind. I probably shouldn't try to diagnose from here. Something's wrong. You're in Hell, I'm guessing. Or maybe just in lava. Leave where you are. It's not safe.

Short Answer: If this is a real phenomenon (...Googled...) holy shit it's a real thing. A monochrome rainbow? Why isn't this the symbol for all the gay-bashing religious idiots? Oh, no. Did I just give them a thing? Fuck.

Note: You think maybe it's a dismembered leprechaun at the end of a red rainbow? A pot of blood and chunks?

Friday, October 21, 2016

Question: Where will you move to if He Who Shall Not Be Named wins the presidency?

This is a funny one.

I don't live in America. So...

But more importantly, it's time us Canadians let you guys in on a little secret, in hopes that you'll go to the polls on the day of days and make sure the tangle-headed ape-quat doesn't get into office.

We're building a wall.

That's right. We've been doing it quietly and politely. That's the way we roll out walls here. When you guys decide it's time to flood north, you're in for a surprise. (Also, the wall is a smartwall, and it knows to let Mexicans through.)

Short Answer: "The northern reticulated trumptit has unusual nesting behaviour, constructing its home atop its own head."

Note: The wall is free, paid for by our health insurance.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Question: "I might have to poop again."

I turned to my wife just now and asked her if she had a question for me. This is what she said in response as she headed to the bathroom, concern dragging her features into an expression of hateful sullenness.

Or was it insufferable gloom? I have trouble telling the difference.

She's back. Here's our talk.

"Did you poop?
"That fast? Was it diarrhea?"
"No. It was soft, though, like... (pause). Don't ask me about poops."

Then she went back to bed.

She makes a fair point, but I can't help myself. Love them poops.

Short Answer: I think that's enough for today.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Questions: Ham Celebrities!

Sarah Jessica Porker
Jon Hammsteak
Pork Chan Wook
Bacon Kevin Bacon
Joey Prosciutto
Pancetta James
Snout Willis
Kevin Bacon Bacon
Shia LeHoof
John Curly Tails
Sylvestor Chicharone
Paul Hocker
Gary Oldpig
Gordie Sow
Salamia Farrow
Rob Wriggles in Mud
Brad Spitroast

Short Answer: (panting)

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Question: Here's a question nobody can answer. Are you ready? Why is the by sklue?

Sir, you're drunk.

Short Answer: All questions can be answered. Some are unworthy of deliberation. Ask yourself which sort your question is.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Question: Have you been groped by Donald Trump?

I don't appreciate you bringing it up. But who hasn't? That guy is awfully handsy for having a very small penis...I mean hands.

I'm sorry. I'm not going any further. Making jokes about Trump makes me think about him, and that makes me sad so that I don't want to tell jokes.

Short Answer: Is anyone actually surprised by these allegations? Dude is consistent.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Question: I just met up with a gargantuan spider in the hallway. Do I have to move?

I must compliment you. Gargantuan really worked for me as an adjective in this question. I pictured a spider so big that it was holding itself up off the ground, legs against the walls and ceiling around him, his body taking up nearly the entire breadth of the hallway.

Don't worry. With the seasons coming, spiders are just looking for places to hang where they won't drown to death. They probably won't crawl into bed with you or hide in the bristles of your toothbrush.

Of course, if they're three hundred pound hallway blocking spiders, you might want to start looking for a new place to live before the awkward backrubs start.

Short Answer: I want to think that when you saw him, he did that thing that spiders do when they're suspended by their legs, where the body sinks backward, pressing the knees forward like it's about to pounce and murder. That's always totally awesome! Everyone loves a furry ball of malice between having to pee and peeing in your jammies.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Question: Why are the Stones allowing Trump to use "you can't always get what you want" as a theme song at his rallies?


Here's the official line: "The Rolling Stones have never given permission to the Trump campaign to use their songs and have requested that they cease all use immediately."

So the answer is simply, they aren't.

"The Rolling Stones do not endorse Donald Trump,” the band tweeted. “ 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' was used without the band's permission."

I guess Trump does whatever he wants with songs and to pussies.

Short Answer: Maybe it's useless to get into a legal battle with him. He does have the most luxurious, most fantastic, most expensive lawyers, and those lawyers have the best words.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Question: Is the pain in my foot directly related to the fact that the dog sleeps at the end of my bed?


But the pain in your end is directly related to the fact that your dog sleeps at the foot of your bed.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You know, because this way there's a pain in your end. And maybe your dog has sex with you in the night.

In all seriousness, I doubt your dog is hurting your foot. It's not even cool to suggest it. Isn't it bad enough that you blame your farts on your dog? And don't forget how often you get to use your dog as an excuse to get out of staying out late, going on a date with someone you thing is a fugmo, or vacationing at the cabin with people who think Cranium is a thing to do with your time.

Dogs are a blessing. You know what? Even if he is hurting your foot somehow, suck it up. You know what else? Even if he's fucking you in the dark, just gently enough to keep you from waking, get over yourself. That dog is everything to and you know it. Doesn't he deserve a little happiness?

Short Answer: You can't have happiness without dog penis.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Question: Buyyd?

After extensive research (looking at my keyboard) and experimentation with autocorrect, I've decided that this was someone trying to type out the word 'butts'.

So that means the question is: Butts?

And the answer is: Let's do it.

Short Answer: And the short answer is: Let's do it.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Question: How is this Donald Trump thing still a thing?


I get it. The questions about Trump are piling up in my inbox because it's on everyone's mind. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested in discussing him further, yet I've broken that rule on numerous occasions, so I guess I'm encouraging you. Last night on the radio, I actually went off for a minute, letting my passion get the better of me, and I called him a child, and I said that the only thing separating him from a child is that he's incapable of learning.

I felt weird letting it out. I feel like this ass deserves less of my time and passion. He needs to see us on the higher ground, taking the path of more resistance, exhibiting better behaviour and ignoring all the bullshit that he's spouting.

Problem is, he can't see that. He's not programmed that way. It's like the idea that if you fight back against a bully, he'll stop. Some bullies will, but some bullies will take a punch in the face just fine and not learn a lesson at all. Trump is the second type. You're not going to get through to a seventy year old who thinks in such a petty fashion. If he hasn't evolved yet, our example, anyone's example, is not going to alter his perception of reality.

So I guess what we're doing is commiserating. By letting it out, and rolling our eyes at each other, we're saying, 'At least we have each other. At least the world hasn't gone crazy and there are still others like me.' Good, fine, wonderful. I just hope that all the Americans who are commiserating along with us get off their asses on voting day and make sure this ass clown never sees the oval office. Because if you take that day off, this fucker is going to replace the presidential seal with five, big, bright, golden, capital letters.

Short Answer: Air Force Trump? Trump Force One? Don't bet against it.

Note: Just realized I didn't at all answer the question. The reason it's still a thing is because the people who back him aren't backing him based on his policies or his stance on issues. They're backing him because they actually like that he says fucked up shit. Nothing he says will deter them. It won't even deter the respectable people of his party, no matter how much they balk at his inane rhetoric, so how can we expect more from people who actually think he's going to make America great again? They've got that shit tattooed on their souls, now. If Trump asked them too, they'd probably tattoo it on their fucking foreheads. Little do they know they might as well get TR on one cheek and MP on the other, so that he can see his name when he's fucking them in the ass later, laughing at the fact they thought he would actually perform the job of president to any acceptable degree.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Question: Can rape be funny?


Unless it's the Pillsbury Doughboy getting raped.

Short Answer: Picture it. Go on.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Question: Do Donald Trump again!

Not a question.

This is the last time.

Let's try, 'Donald Trump has...'

already won
a brain tumor
a coherent realistic foreign policy, a clone, a chance
destroyed the Republican party
endorses Paul Ryan (grammar?)
a farce to be reckoned with
a good brain
a heart attack, a high IQ
(nothing for I,J,K)
a lot of friends, a low IQ
my vote, met Putin
no chance, no chill, no friends, no political experience
owned how many businesses?
a plan, a point, a point incredibly
(nothing for Q)
really bad morals
small hands, a screw loose, a secret garden
the best words, tiny hands, to win, to go
(nothing for U)
a very good brain
words, won
(nothing for X)
a yacht
(nothing for Z)

Short Answer: Once more, I will fill in the empty slots.

Donald Trump has Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Donald Trump has jacked off in a Bentley
Donald Trump has killed a guy
Donald Trump has a quintessentially racist demeanor
Donald Trump has a use for freshly knived baby scalps (toilet paper)
Donald Trump has xenophobic tendencies and the tattoos to back them up
Donald Trump has zebra porn on his iPad Air

Friday, October 7, 2016

Question: Donald Trump?



Here's a game. Let's type 'Donald Trump is a' into Google, followed by every letter of the alphabet, and take the best of the top four.

Donald Trump is a...

aimless angry leader, actor
blobfish, bs artist, black hole
child, clone, cancer
distraction, draft dodger, duck
el chapo, extinction level event
Ferengi, fish, fear monger
gemini, god
joker, jagoff
Knight of Malta
leviathan, libertarian
muppet, man baby
national security threat
orange, orangutan, oompa loompa
pokemon, potato,
(nothing for Q)
rotten sweet potato, rapper, rhino
shape shifting lizard, security risk, stand up comedian
threat to American democracy, train wreck, time traveller
(nothing for U)
vs Ebenezer Scrooge
(nothing for Y)
(nothing for Z)

Short Answer: Getting harder and harder to make this topic funny. (Let me fill in the ones that didn't come up with results.)

Donald Trump is a querulous seasonal gourd.
Donald Trump is a yak in heat.
Donald Trump is a zombie emerging from a vat of old tang.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Question: How do you think the Vancouver Canucks will do this year?

I'm pretty sure I've been asked this before, but I guess it would be uncouth to direct you to an answer from a previous season.

I haven't immersed myself in this yet, so I don't have a whole lot of insight. One thing I would like to remind all the Canucks' fans with their fingers on the panic button is that we still really haven't seen this team with Brandon Sutter in full flight. We traded for him to keep us close to the playoff race last year, and he spent most of the season out with injury. So I don't think we can write this team off as a bunch of kids just yet. We could have two solid lines, and that means a lot of people fighting for jobs on the third and fourth lines, and that can make for competitive hockey. Also, our goaltending looks good.

Might be a tough year, or we might surprise a few people. Bo Horvat could have a very good year if we give him some offensive support, and there are other kids ready to break out as well.

I think we'll be on the cusp of the playoffs, but I got a dirty feeling we'll sneak in. As long as the Sedins are lacing up, this era of success isn't over. We can surprise a few people.

Short Answer: Wishful thinking? Mayhaps.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Question: So Demi Lovato is retiring or something?

I know that celebrities are people. I believe they have their rights, just as the rest of us do. They can be political, they can have strong opinions, and they can use their spotlight to bring awareness to things they think are important. Your job doesn't make your opinions any less valid.

But here's something to keep in mind. If you're blindingly rich and famous and you decide you can't handle the spotlight any longer, that's fine with me. You are free to go away, quietly if you wouldn't mind, and leave some spotlight for some of the rest of us, those who could use a little of that money and success and might find the attention a little easier to bear.

I don't know much about Demi Lovato in particular - I'm sure whoever asked this question knows that, so sorry to actually answer it rather than the 'I don't give a fuck' response you were expecting - but I do know that she has been in the news multiple times talking about body issues and her own sense of self and those sorts of struggles. That's legit. And I'm not saying she thinks she's special, but let's be clear that being famous and having body issues doesn't make anyone special. Lots of girls out there deal with that, and I'm assuming it's even more difficult without millions of fans and dollars. So let's keep a little perspective.

Also, for all you people out there who are in contact with impressionable, little girls, here's an opportunity to teach them about self-confidence, about what's it's like to deal with this sort of bullshit, and maybe point them in the direction of a female role model who handles these things with grace and strength.

Short Answer: Richard Simmons, maybe? I don't know.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Question: Can you write a new joke for us?

What do you call a rubber boot with a hockey puck in it?

Canadian high-heel.

I'm not sure if this would be more affective turned the other way around or not. Or if it's funny at all. But there's something there. Could be a Newfie joke, too, but I think the word Canadian matches better with the puck scenario.

Short Answer: That good enough? Too bad!

Monday, October 3, 2016

Question: Let's get this over with, shall we?

That's inspiring. Now I can't wait to face the day.

Like the way I faced your mom last night when she begged for thirty seconds of missionary so she could feel a tiny ounce of human connection. But don't worry, I made sure to stare at her ear the whole time so it was weird.

I know the funniest thing to do here would be to continue on in this vein, addressing this question as though it was serious and discussing the many ways in which I've made sweet love to your entire family, but I feel differently today. Instead, I'd like to take a moment and be appreciative for these sorts of questions. Diversity is key for this endeavor, and though that diversity comes from me and my reactions, different sorts of questions are welcome, for they create a shortcut for me to disparate and ranging mind frames and reactions.

But you just talked about fucking that dude's mom like you always do, you might say.

To that, I say, I fucked your mom.

Short Answer: She liked it. She always likes it. And I'm bad at it, so what does that say about her?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Question: My toes hurts when I bend it. Should I go to the doctor?

Don't bend your toe.

Leave me alone.

Short Answer: I guess this sort of response doesn't really encourage people to participate...oh, wait, I don't give a fuck about that.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Question: Where can you go in Vancouver to get cool iphone cases?

I'm not falling for this shit.

This is from my wife. She's looking for a case for her new phone.

Nice try, toots. This is some bullshit. It can't be any easier to ask this of me, to get me to try and do your dirty work for you, than it would be to just Google it yourself.

My wife: "But I don't want to have to read all the results."


Now what the fuck do I do? This whole post has been totally ruined. This is like the internet equivalent of walking in front of the television during a football game. No, this is worse, this is like standing in front of the TV in sexy lingerie, not only knowing that you're distracting me, but trying to actually get me to turn the game off and pay attention to you. Yeah, that's right, just standing there in that lace up corset and that G-string, in those knee high socks with your hands on your hips and your face all...

No! This is how she does it! This is how she gets what she wants! I will not do this research for you just because you've got a fat ass!

I won't!

I swear it.

Short Answer: I did the research. But I'm not posting it on here! I've put it in a spreadsheet for you, so you can easily decipher the information! And here's a route for us to take to hit all the best possibilities in a timely and efficient fashion! So...ha! That's what you get.