Monday, September 5, 2016

Question: How do you feel about yoga pants?

I searched 'yoga' to see if I'd answered this before. Got this one: (How many yoga poses are good for your balls?)

I've mentioned yoga other times, but that's the only specific post. So now instead of lazily listing a bunch of old answers, I have to answer the question.

I feel good about them. I mean, I sorta remember a time when I didn't know exactly what all women looked like naked, but I've adjusted well to the new world. It's great for temptation, really. I like to look, but I don't feel I need to go any further. Why put in the work and the money convincing the girl to get naked in front of me, let alone the hassle of deceiving the wife, just to see a flesh-toned version of what I've already seen?

In general, I think people should do what they want, including wear what they want. You don't have to be a ridiculously buff lady to wear skin tight trousers. But I have noticed that some ladies who'd never wear skin tight trousers do wear yoga pants. I get the feeling they think they look good in them; like somehow squeezing everything into pants shape makes you sexy. If it makes you feel sexy, go for it. If you don't care what you look like, go for it. This is not a message for you. This is a message for the trend-following, middle-aged woman who isn't doing enough yoga to necessitate appropriate pants. and doesn't realize what she's gotten herself into.

Here's the thing, ladies. You've got a yogunt. It's like yogurt, but it makes me vomit instead of making me poop. If you don't know what a yogunt is, lucky you found this blog.

A 'gunt' is a gut plus a cunt. (Personally I like to call this a 'Gary Busey' because it's a belly and a pussy, but that shit never caught on.) The 'yo' part comes not from 'yo mama' - save in the hereditary sense - but from yoga. Therefore, yoga plus gut plus cunt equals yogunt. You have a belly and its large enough that it joins up seamlessly with your nethers, and you've stuffed that whole ball of sad into some tight seamless pants.

Again, just a heads up in case you were under the misapprehension that you were nailing it sexy-wise. Not everyone has people around them that will tell them the truth about their yogunts or their sockankles or their macguffin tops or their webbingers or their rearunibrows or...well, you get the picture. The point is sometimes I feel it's my duty to step in.

That's right. I step in duty.

Short Answer: It's difficult having to care what you look like. If I were you, I'd just not give a fuck what people think. I sure as hell don't dress to impress. I've had a set of manchesticles for nearly two years!

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