Friday, September 9, 2016

Question: Can you do a top 100 of something?

Wow. You're a total dick. This question might as well be 'Can you spend four-and-a-half hours on your blog post today?' or 'Would you mind rescheduling your dog's psychiatry appointment?'


Top 100 Somethings

100) That thing where you don't like someone's face.
99) That thing where you sprain your thumb taking your sock off.
98) That thing where you want a bobble head of yourself.
97) That thing where you pee on your own feet and before you're done peeing the pee has dried and you now have dried pee foot.
96) That thing where you don't bother cutting tomato for your sandwich because sandwich has to happen sooner.
95) That thing where you hold your thumb in your fist to stop your gag reflex.
94) That thing where you see a man and think 'He's got a great dick, I bet.'
93) That thing where you have to keep explaining to your mother that you're not gay.
92) That thing where you have to use stream of conscious humour to get a few extra somethings.
91) That thing where you sleep way too much and wake up feeling like you must've died in the night and heaven is exactly like your normal life.
90) That thing where maybe your normal life is hell, not heaven.
89) That thing where you realize how much we all use Christian mythology and themes in our references and day-to-day speech.
88) That thing where you finish reading a book and wish you had never finished it because you don't want to leave that world.
87) That thing you feel when someone dies and you know the world was better when they were alive.
86) That thing where you're so happy to have something come back into your life, but it's not as good as you wanted it to be. (Looking at you, Voltron.)
85) That thing where you realize that Team North America fucks up the World Cup of Hockey.
84) That thing where you lose your erection during sex because you start thinking about what you're actually doing, mechanically speaking.
83) That thing where you buy lube for travel.
82) That thing where you eat too much poutine because you made too much poutine and you must admit that you knew this would happen all along.
81) That thing where you write something and realize it's very Canadian.
81) That thing where you see Britney Spears on the MTV and for the five hundredth time you say, "Why does anyone give a shit about this?"
80) That thing where you're worried about your dick pics in the ICloud.
79) That thing where you realize you're not that worried, because your hog is magnificent.
78) That thing where you lie on your blog.
77) That thing where you wonder how many stream of conscious jokes you can get away with before someone calls bullshit on your 100 Somethings list.
76) That thing where you realize you can't hear people complain so you don't give a shit.
75) That thing where you realize you're only a quarter of the way through something that sucks.
74) That thing where you have a dog with anxiety issues.
73) That thing where you forget something you've never forgotten before and are sure you're going to get Alzheimer's.
72) That thing where you read your Facebook feed and get depressed by how shitty people are, then have to shake that off and be 'funny' on your blog.
71) That thing where your wife buys you a sweet t-shirt, then shrinks said t-shirt in the laundry so you can't wear it without looking like a fat guy in a little coat.
70) That thing where she makes it up to you with grandiose heapings of heart-stopping nudity.
69) That thing where you burn right past an enticing sex joke premise.
68) That thing when you realize you had a pretty good joke for that, and now you have to decide if you're going to go ahead with the joke even though the time has past, it's too late, and it won't work as well as it would have.
67) That thing where you realize that 69-ing only works if both people are of the same felatio skill level.
66) That thing where you decide to extrapolate. If one person is better than the other, than the person who's really getting it good starts losing focus on their task, and it just becomes a blow job in a weird position.
65) That thing where you come up with the world's greatest punishment for assholes. Call them and tell them that their high school transcripts have been lost, and to keep their jobs, they have to go back and do senior year over again.
64) That thing where you wake up from a dream and feel relief that your: teeth haven't fallen out, you aren't naked at work, you don't have to go onstage without knowing your lines, you aren't getting hunted by a serial killer, you've already graduated.
63) That thing where you go over to your girlfriend's house to meet her parents, then stretch dramatically in the kitchen and smash their light fixture into a billion glass shards. (True story.)
62) That thing where you wake up on the couch to a porn movie that started playing while you were asleep, and start masturbating before you even know where you are or why you're doing it.
61) That thing where you have to finish masturbating once you start.
60) That thing where it doesn't matter whose couch you're on, not really.
59) That thing where you realize you're the last of your group of friends who hasn't reproduced.
58) That thing where you realize your life is way easier than your friends' lives.
57) That thing where you feel empty inside because - oh, hey, is that a bunch of money and free time?
56) That thing where you see a girl and think, "She'd go good with my wife."
55) That thing where you suggest something you really want for supper and your significant other texts, 'Fuck, yes.'
54) That thing where your birthday comes around and you want to do something sexually challenging but you feel bad taking advantage so you say nothing.
53) The day after your birthday when you feel regret.
52) That thing where you find out that Shakespeares Sister is one of the chicks from Bananarama.
51) That thing where thinking about Bananarama makes you think about The Bangles, and then you think about that little brunette and wanna bang her all over again.
50) That thing where you marry a woman because she reminds you of the front girl from The Bangles.
49) That thing where the halfway point is rewarding.
48) That thing where your friends tell you that you should do stand-up, but you have to weigh that against the stereotype of the office clown who everyone says that to but that person is an unfunny piece of shit and maybe you are too.
47) That thing where you suggest anal and she says yes.
46) That thing where she suggests anal for her birthday and you feel obliged to say yes, despite your precious, virgin ass.
45) The day after her birthday when you feel regret.
44) That thing where you've watched so many superhero movies that regular movies begin to seem somehow lacking.
43) That thing where you realize you're in the golden age of nerd cinema.
42) That thing where you undercook an eggplant and it ruins your attempt at a moussaka style lasagna.
41) That thing where shit gets too personal and people can no longer relate.
40) That thing where you're telling a story, and despite your recent and general success, realize the story isn't working properly and that the ending will be disappointing, so you try to add on a denouement and a moral and you lose the room completely.
39) That thing where someone who tells horrible stories starts telling one and you have to sit there hating your life.
38) That thing where you see one too many posts on the internet about 'introverts' and start to wonder if anyone's ever considered altering their behaviour to make an extrovert's life easier?
37) That thing where you want to sexualize a woman because of your biological imperative, but know that it will go over poorly, so you keep quiet and get an objectification boner that you can never share with anyone.
36) That thing where you start a blog where people ask you questions, then realize how lucky you are that they don't ask you to do ridiculous shit like this on a more regular basis.
35) That thing where you slip on the top step of the shame-spiral staircase when it occurs to you that the reason people don't ask you to be longwinded is because you're just the person on American Idol who didn't know they were shitty at singing. They really didn't know. No one told them.
34) That thing were you realize that part of loving someone is loving all the things that define them, therefore sharing in their preferences as if you had a whole second personality to be proud of.
33) That thing where you realize that part of loving someone is that they seem to like the Backstreet Boys and you're not allowed to take any sort of axe to them over it.
32) That thing where you love the Batman.
31) That thing where your hobby of photography loses all lustre when you realize that everyone and their dog can take a picture with their phone anytime they want, as many as they want, with a camera that's sophisticated enough that even if they just get lucky their shit will be pretty much as good as your shit, at least to most regular folk.
30) That thing where you realize that the rule sorta might apply to writing as well, and then suddenly being good at something doesn't seem to matter as much as knowing whose balls to gargle to get ahead.
29) That thing where you say 'get ahead' when you're talking about giving head.
28) That thing where your wife wanders naked out onto the balcony of your hotel room, not realizing that two-dozen people are now glaring at her puss.
27) That thing where you're in a rush to get to hockey. You pile your stuff in the back and sit down in the car. You feel a hardness beneath you; you've sat on something! You reach back, trying to figure out what it is, and your fingers hit something horrifying. You imagine, in that instant, a huge-mouthed fish. Someone's put a dead fish in your car and you just buried your fingers in its mouth! You leap from the car, skinning your knee on the door because you move with such velocity. Then you see the banana innards on the ground. You look on the seat, and there's banana smeared on the seat. An empty banana peel is hanging before you.You remember that there's a hole in the pocket of your hoody, and you slipped a banana in there on your way out the door, not thinking that the banana might slide through, get hooked on the gnarly brown end, and hang down perfectly so that as you ducked into the car it swung behind you and you sat on it. Then you finger-fucked the split banana's vagina and terrified yourself.
26) That thing where you have a blue globe and then you see an oldy-time brown globe and you know you fucked up with your globe choice.
25) That thing where your wife lets you take pictures of her naked, and you realize how much worse your life could've been had you married anyone else.
24) That thing where you take such a big poop that you're afraid.
23) That thing where your PVR gets so full that you start skipping five minutes ahead in sporting events to see if anything happens.
22) That thing where you mispronounce a word in front of a bunch of people without knowing it, then when you find out you feel intense, time-travelling shame.
21) That thing where you kinda fucked a stuffed toy once. Maybe twice.
20) That thing where you warmed it up in the microwave.
19) That thing where you see a spider in your domicile and decide that there will probably be an ensuing court battle over the premises due to its size and obvious sophistication.
18) That thing where you use up all your ideas for the next one hundred days on a single blog post.
17) That thing where you listen to the Eagles and think they suck.
16) That thing where you listen to Bruce Springsteen and for the first time you think - just maybe - that you get it this time.
15) That thing where you don't get pizza delivered anymore because you're too poor to pay the tip. Then your wife suggests she just answer the door naked and that will be the tip. And then you have to debate whether or not the pizza guy will consider that tip enough.
14) That thing where your elliptical machine sneers at you.
13) That thing where someone makes fun of something you love and you're too afraid to defend it.
12) That thing where you accidentally make contact with a boob and everybody freezes and says nothing and then you get a visible, audible boner and know you shouldn't have gone commando in your soccer shorts.
11) That thing where you get a greeting card from someone and it's uninspired and there's no personal message. Just, 'Get Well. Gary.' And you're like, 'Fuck Gary!'
10) That thing where you get high on weed and hear a song like it's the first time you've heard it.
9) That thing where you're so convinced something is great that when you hear from its detractors you think they are sub-human and decide you no longer want to hear opinions about anything.
8) That thing where three days ago it was super hot and now it's full-on Fall, motherfuckers! (I love Fall.)
7) That thing where you watch too many movies and can't remember what movies you watched. Then when you finally remember one, you don't remember why you liked or didn't like it, and your life is an empty piece of shit not worth mentioning.
6) That thing where you put a hat on because your hair is dumb.
5) That thing where you're masturbating and you click on the wrong thing and suddenly you're ejaculating to an add for Mark's Work Wearhouse.
4) That thing where the fast food joint fucks up your order but you don't realize it until you get home.
3) That thing where electronics don't work perfectly and you'd rather be stoned to death than deal with the fact that things are supposed to work when you pay for them!
2) That thing where you wake up drooling and try to find a dry spot on the pillow but you drooled up the entire thing.
1) That thing where you're excited for pizza, even though it's the millionth time you've had pizza.

Short Answer: This took me nearly an hour, you asshole.

Note: I've done a top 100 before:

And another one:

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