Friday, September 30, 2016

Question: What about those girls that were found dead at that resort?


Do I really have to go look this up? I mean, how can anyone possibly benefit from my take on this? Am I supposed to make some sort of inappropriate joke? Like, 'hey, at least the fat one something something.'

(Note: The 'something something' in that above paragraph could be any number of heinous things, all the way from 'got murdered first' to 'got murdered better'.)

I don't know what you're talking about, or if it even exists, which gives me just the right amount of separation to say, yea, sure, death is pretty funny. Maybe not for the dead, or their loved ones, but the rest of us have to laugh to face the pressing, blinding horror of all existence, that force that weighs us down every day, making our backs hurt and our bellies churn with acid, so that we become bent, crinkled bags of foul-smelling breath and paranoia.

Short Answer: If there is a fat one in that story, please don't email me with complaints. Wait, is it bad, after all this, that I just laughed at 'fat one' because I thought of a penis?

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Question: What would you do if someone offered you a plate of testicles?

"Whose testicles are these?" I'd ask, my mouth curling in a coy smile.

I'm assuming that if someone offered me a plate of testicles, that they are the cooked kind from an animal known to have their testicles consumed by man. If that is the case, I would eat said testicles.

If the testicles were, like, fresh, like recently cut off a thing, I'd decline to eat them. If they were human testicles, I'd also decline, unless they were the testicles of my enemy and they were prepared the way testicles consumed by man are normally prepared. Hopefully with a sauce. Or maybe risotto.

To reiterate, I would eat the testicles of my enemy. So look out, fuckers. Don't be making an enemy out of this guy. He'll chef your balls up nice.

Short Answer: I might ask why they brought me a plate of testicles when I ordered the ceviche. Ooh! Ceviched testicles; thinly sliced, raw, with some lime juice. "Sir, I have hear the ceviched testicles of your enemy." Can ceviche be a verb? Did I just lose half of my audience? I see.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Question: What did you think of the debate?


Fuck me. I don't want to have to talk about Trump anymore. I had two different dreams last night about him. He's fucking everywhere.

Trump has consistently been what he is. If you don't see what he is, you're not going to see it because I said so. And if you do see it, you don't need me to pat you on the back.

Any debate is going to go the same way. Trump acts like Trump, therefore losing in the minds of some and absolutely killing it in the minds of others.

If we lived in a world where anyone still listened to anyone else's opinion, this might be worth pursuing. It isn't. I literally saw a woman get interviewed the other day, wearing a 'make America great again' hat, saying that no matter what facts the interviewer told her, she still loved Trump. She didn't care about the facts.

Okay. Here's one thing. Isn't it a little fucked up that one of the biggest fuckin' liars in the history of the presidential candidacy is somehow seen as a 'straight shooter' by so many people? This climate where a person can convince themselves that their opinion is equal to or greater than factual evidence is the real problem, here.

'But don't you see? Facts can be manipulated, whereas opinions are pure, even when they aren't based on facts! Ya idiot!' - every person who sucks.

(America, here's some free advice. You love free shit, so listen up. Hire someone who's qualified, not a hot bag of shit. I don't care what you think of anyone or anything. The job at stake is running your country. Your country! Who you 'like' and who you think is a 'truth-teller' isn't nearly as relevant as who can do the fucking job they're hired for. I wouldn't hire Donald Trump to do a single thing, let alone the most difficult and most important thing. This is the leader of the free world we're talking about. Not your favorite fucking contestant on your favorite fucking reality show. Use your fucking heads, for Christ's sake. I'm straight fed-up with this game of flirtation with that orange nightmare. Who paints their face to match their hair? Honestly!)

Short Answer: I'm seriously considering going full hermit. Twigs in the beard, roasted squirrel, feces-covered cave walls, the whole deal.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Question: I figured out how to screw with your whole system! I just have to include today's date and you have to answer it. So, what's your favorite thing that happened today, on

Oops. I guess your question got cut off there for some reason. And right before you could say what the date was. Jeez. That must be frustrating, huh?

I make the rules, bitch!

Short Answer: My favorite thing that happened today was handing you your ass.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Question: What's the best time for saucy pants?


(exhales mightily)
(becomes consternated over adverb usage)
(inhales mightily)

What the fuck is this!?!

(tells himself to remain calm. tells himself this is the life he chose. tells himself it's no one's fault but his own)

Nobody wants fucking sauce on their fucking pants!!!

(it's okay, everyone. he knows it's some sort of metaphor. he's had a rough couple of days)

Is this a sex thing? Are they talking about sex? Why don't they just say so? Do they mean flirting? When's a good time to be naughty? I don't know, all the time? When you want a thumb in your butt?

(all right. things are going a little sideways. if there were a set of rails, he would be veering off of them...oh shit, here he comes! He's pissed about the train analogy! Is that...he's got a knife!!! Run for -)

There. That's taken care of. Anyone else want a taste?


Good. Now, as for saucy pants, I'd say the best time is 8:47 AM.

Short Answer: You got a fucking problem with that?

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Question: In honor of the Magnificent Seven remake coming out this weekend, how about a favorite Westerns list?

I'm not as big a fan of the pure Western as some are, though I believe a lot of those elements exist in other genres, Sci-Fi and Fantasy to name a few. I guess the only reason I'm prefacing is because I don't feel like as much of an expert about this topic, so lucky this question asks for a 'favorite' list, not a comprehensive best of. That would be difficult because I don't particularly enjoy John Wayne, which if I understand correctly, means my penis-looking thing is actually a vagina.

(To be clear, here is a brief list of Westerns that I don't love: The Searchers, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Rio Bravo, High Noon, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Shootist, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, the original True Grit, Django Unchained, How The West Was Won, Silverado, Cat Ballou, The Gunfighter, Rio Grande, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Lone Star, Hondo...get the picture?)

My Favorite Westerns

20) Sukiyaki Western Django (2007) Takeshi Miike, creator of such turbulent awesomeness as Ichi the Killer, Gozu and Audition, brings his insanity to the classic warring, small town factions fable.
19) Maverick (1994) Before Mel Gibson was a crazy person, he was an actor. A good one. This Western is fun as balls, handled by Richard Donner. The movie, not the balls.
18) The Proposition (2005) Australia had a turn-of-the-century as well, apparently. This movie's got Guy Pearce, Danny Huston and Ray Winstone. It's a dirty one.
17) Quigley Down Under (1990) I've professed my admiration for Tom Selleck's work in this movie - and Mr. Baseball - numerous times on blog.
16) Dead Man (1995) Before Johnny Depp was a home wrecker, he was an actor. This is Jim Jarmusch being his Jarmuschiest in black and white.
15) Blazing Saddles (1974) You really going to argue with this being on here? You're disrespecting Gene Wilder!
14) The Quick and the Dead (1995) Sam Raimi's ridiculous romp into the tropes of gun fighting. Equal parts dumb and silly and great. The cast really makes this one, with Leo and Russell Crowe and a dastardly Gene Hackman (and a less dastardly Lance Henricksen).
13) The Last of the Mohicans (1992) Only reason this isn't higher is because technically it's not a Western like the others, taking place in an earlier time period. For those who wouldn't have cared, pretend it's higher. I don't own you.
12) Dances With Wolves (1990) Epic Kevin Costner movies have gone the way of scalping. This one's the best of the bunch. Compared to Waterworld and the Postman you ask?
11) Slow West (2015) The most recent movie on my list, this is Michael Fassbender and Ben Mendelssohn doing western things in a totally non-modern way. I think I'd buy Fassbender as just about anything.
10) Young Guns (1998) Fuck you. This movie is actually good. And everyone from your eighties' masturbatory fantasies is present.
9) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) People love these two fuckers, and the only reason this movie isn't a tad higher is because I have a particular problem with it. I think Newman is too good. So good I don't find the characters equal, and I don't buy into their camaraderie the way others do. Weird, huh?
8) The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966) I'm not as big a Sergio Leone guy as most big time Western fans. This is the best one, right?
7) The Wild Bunch (1969) Peckinpah is another guy I don't love like the purists, but he gets it right in this one. Borgnine for the win.
6) True Grit (2010) Fuck yeah, the Cohen Brothers! This is my idea of a good time all around.
5) Appaloosa (2008) Ed Harris directs himself...need I say more?
4) Open Range (2003) Kevin Costner keeping it simple and straightforward, with Robert Duvall killing it every which way as per usual.
3) The Magnificent Seven (1960) These guys are pretty cool, though I still wish Yul Brynner had been playing his character from Westworld. That would've made this movie amazing.
2) Tombstone (1993) "I'm your huckleberry."
1) Unforgiven (1992) This is a fucking landslide victory. I think Unforgiven is one of the greatest movies ever made.

Short Answer: Good chance I missed a few. I always liked Hang 'em High, but I get all those Eastwood-starring Westerns mixed up, so I choose not to include any of the lesser ones. Plus, he could dominate the list, and that wouldn't be fun. Still, films like Josey Wales and Pale Rider deserve a shout out. And maybe, while I'm at it, an honorable mention to Shane. Shane! Don't go, Shane, you piece of shit! Fuckin' Shane!!!

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Question: Ask yourself a question.

Funny. I just did. Well, technically I asked my wife, but she answered, "Iohno." Like, 'I don't know' with the least possible effort.

What I asked was, "What's it like for people who don't get told they aren't good enough every single day?" This was in reference to a rejection I just received.

Don't worry. I'm not down about it. In fact I said the word rejection out loud like I was Adam Sandler doing Cajun Man on Weekend Update.

Seriously, though. You fuckers! Most of you go through every day without being told you're a dung heap, and the only doubt you face is your own. Your insecurities come from the inside, your fears of things not working out are manufactured by your own guts. I don't have to live that way. I can get told to fuck off at almost any moment. I'm constantly reminded that what I do best isn't good enough. Imagine what that would be like at your job? If the principal took you aside, once every couple of days and said, "Listen, I can see what you're trying to do with those kids, but I just don't think I can endorse it. I'm not sure they'll learn this way. I can't see them being excited about your teaching style. It's possible you shouldn't be a teacher at all. But don't feel bad. Teaching is a tough business. This is just one principal's opinion. Keep trying. Maybe some kid will learn something from you at some point. Until then, you're a shit meatball."

Short Answer: A form rejection (meaning the non-personalized fuck off letter an agent or publisher sends out to everyone who queries them) can say many things, very few of them hurtful, but once in a while, it will say something like, "I just couldn't get excited enough about this project" or something, and those sting a little bit. Not as bad as "You're a festering garbage pile and your life is meaningless, get a real job, you fat hippy!" but close.

Note: In truth, rejections are almost always polite, and sometimes even encouraging. The worst rejection I ever got was a magazine that got excited about the first ten pages of a story and asked for the whole thing. Then, later, they rejected the story with a couple of paragraphs of scathing critique where they outlined that I had totally ruined my own premise. That was a shitty one.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Question: You started from the where are you?

Am I getting trolled by Drake?

First of all, the good news. I didn't start from the bottom.

The bad news is that I'm not far from where I started. In fact, I started in a family that made a lot more money than my current family does, on account of the matriarch and patriarch of that first family having great jobs due to lifelong work ethic and experience. I'm just a young punk with a young punk wife trying to build our dreams on privilege.


Nice try, Drake!

Short Answer: Here.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Question: Can you write me a horoscope?

For the week of whatever day it is to the next day that's the same name as this day.

Now's the time! Put away your dancing shoes and get ready for large opportunities at work or at home. But be cautious because now's not always the time. Plus you might want to break out your dancing shoes at work or at home. This is a good week for spending, and the next few days, along with the rest of the week, is a time to treat yourself by saving your money and being frugal, with the exception of food. Food is good! You'll eat almost every day this week, and probably take a few poops. Things are looking up in terms of that ambition you almost had, and prospective business partners are still mostly prospective. Your love life is going exactly how you'd expected. Use an app! This week is great for computers and weather, even if you want to shut off and stay inside out of the sun/rain/hailstorm/hurricane. Your lucky numbers aren't going to win the lottery!

Lucky Numbers: 6 and 9, just not in a sex way. Or is it in a sex way?

Short Answer: As some sort of astrological fish or tiger, you have a tendency to take generalizations and apply them to yourself. Continue!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Question: Did you not post yesterday?

Here's a conundrum.

When I get a question like this, I kind of have to shoot it to the front of the queue because otherwise it won't be topical. That's a dirty little way to exploit my dirty little secret, and to force your shit into existence instead of relaxing and letting it happen naturally. You're giving yourself hemorrhoids.

Also, in answering this, it sorta compiles the fact that I didn't post yesterday. It makes this post about that non-post, so we've doubled our bullshittery, unless I can make this post so fucking funny that it's better than if I'd done a real one. Or two.

Only, I'm not always funny. Sometimes I'm poignant as fuck. Sometimes I write the fuck out of a poem. Sometimes I say something heartfelt that makes you love me even more.

So in the spirit of not wasting two days, here's my attempt at doing all the good things in one go.

The ongoing election cycle in America, broad-shouldered and high-browed as it may seem, is a process that degrades the very essence of my soul.

And here's a dirty joke to make up for yesterday.

Whose head has a fart on it?

(farts on someone's head)

Short Answer: Sorry about yesterday. Had a friend in town, then didn't think to do this at an irregular time. Also, I thought, 'Fuck those assholes. My readers are such dicks. I'll probably get a question tomorrow about how I didn't post, and that will fuck up another day. Why do I even bother? I have the absolute worst fans. They should all go put something sharp up inside their own bodies.'

Monday, September 19, 2016

Question: Poemistry?

snap off your nose to spite your face
spout off your woes to mark your space
fight off your foes to state your case
space out your blows to find your pace

pull back your lips to bare your teeth
push out your tongue to snare your grief
reach down your throat to tear belief
hold out your palm to tease the thief

look at the sky to tilt your head
open wide to praise the dead

insert your fist to wrest your pride
insert your foot to slip right by

Short Answer: Poemistry. Good title.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Question: What are you up to?

My wife just tried to sneeze and instead wheezed like a dying-vacuum and loudly asked, "Where did that one go?"

And I'm supposed to focus on this shit?

She's also sitting on the couch naked, playing with her phone. Probably looking up a bunch of dicks. Like, a roundtable with six or eight guys of the perfect height, settling their dicks together to make a gorgeous dick design.

Now she's walking past me, all nude, butt doing that wriggly buttstuff, boobs a half-foot from my face, all bouncy and...

Short Answer: Masturbating. What are you up to?

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Question: Have you seen that Corey Feldman Today show performance yet?

There isn't much to say about this, save that it's not even close to the weirdest thing he's done.

You know what, I take that back. I'm tired of people calling his performance 'bizarre' and 'strange' and 'weird' because they're afraid to say what it really was.

Fucking awful.

I loved Corey Feldman in my youth. I even thought he was charming in Dream a Little Dream. That's right. Fan.

At some point he decided he was a musician. He liked to dance and sing, and Hollywood wasn't calling anymore, so he went down that road. Good for him! Do your thing, Corey Feldman. Have a blast. Live your life.

The point is, I'm no hater, but that doesn't mean I have to be a liar. Corey Feldman is a terrible singer. His voice sounds like a frog trying to croak around a diseased cock during a particularly lazy throat-stuffing. The music is generic and lifeless. He even lacks the confidence of a showman, so that he can't be given credit for 'pulling it off' despite the awful product. He looks out of place as a rock star and always has. Go back and watch his videos and you'll see what I'm saying.

Some people just aren't good at some things. And again, if this hobby makes him happy, great. But if he puts himself on the television or tries to crowd fund for 100,000 dollars to make more music, that's when we need to pick up the baton and be truthful. Obviously he has enough yes men.

People can do what they want. I really believe that. And this isn't hurting anyone. But doesn't it feel gross to straight up feel embarrassed for someone, especially when they don't know the joke's on them? I guess if he doesn't care, so be it.

Point is, it's not bizarre. It's sub-par. It's laughable. It's awkward and it makes everyone feel funny. Having said that, this Today show performance you're talking about is probably the most normal he's ever looked while pursuing this rock star thing. Seriously, if you can take it, look up the other stuff. Then get back to me about what's bizarre.

Short Answer: Another point of embarrassment is that he seems like he has the world awareness of a twelve-year-old. He thinks he's got something cool and interesting in a double album about good vs. evil. Has no one told him there's nothing original here? That dressing your female band in Victoria Secret angel costumes does not make your shitty ideas any deeper in meaning? Poor Corey. (For the record, I saw him on a reality show once and he was a pretty nice guy. All of the above, but also nice. Look that up, too.)

Friday, September 16, 2016

Question: Do you like highballs?

I actually like 'em low.

One of my balls is of a normal height, and the other one is substantially lower. I have some affection for the little guy who's reaching for the ground, trying to touch my toes, or get a dip in the toilet pool.

Really high balls remind me of porno, those shots where a guy is really giving her while he's man spreading, so you can see those balls doing jumping-jacks-in-the-sack, really reaching for the sky on either side of the shaft. This is neither a like or a dislike.


Highball means something else doesn't it?

Short Answer: Apparently I look at testicles more than I drink whiskey.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Question: Top 3000 Reasons to Read Your Blog?

3000-1999) Eat a dick and one to two balls.
1998-2) What the fuck else are you doing you useless piece of shit?
1) Go fuck yourself.

Short Answer: I could've been wittier about this, but I feel like I got the tone right.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Question: Top Fifty Questionable Relationship Decisions?

Very specific.

How much time do you people think I have?

Never mind. I've got the time. But I'm not happy about it. This is an upside down frown. And only half-an-erection.

Top Fifty Questionable Relationship Decisions

50) Having more than one relationship.
49) Any and all children.
48) Deciding to 'spice it up' in the bedroom by adding food.
47) Reporting daily on how many nice butts you saw.
46) Getting married without living together for a trial run.
45) Living in different cities.
44) Going to bed angry.
43) Letting your spouse go to concerts without you.
42) Always needing to know where they are and acting upon it.
41) Doing the lazy one's chores.
40) Not doing your own chores in protest.
39) Living with Mom.
38) Standing in front of the television during certain programming.
37) Deciding to 'spice it up' in the bedroom by adding Jerome.
36) Sex standing up.
35) Getting fat together.
34) Fighting back.
33) Mistaking familiarity with weakness.
32) Having a power dynamic.
31) Unclear buttstuff.
30) Sharing porn.
29) Not bothering with vacations.
28) Referring to yourself as 'the ambitious one'.
27) Asking 'Do you want to plough me?'
26) Not resolving issues so that resentment takes hold.
25) Ranking her below CM Punk.
24) Not having weekly pizza night.
23) No pets.
22) Asking for specific sexual acts during menstruation.
21) Making her read your blog.
20) Getting married without honestly discussing reproduction.
19) Fighting overlong.
18) Not sharing your true hopes and dreams.
17) Thinking 'it' will go away if you have a kid.
16) Dressing the same.
15) Too much kissy-face.
14) Deciding to 'spice it up' in the bedroom by adding Cindy.
13) Living with Mom-in-Law.
12) Sex standing the shower.
11) Taking advantage of vulnerability to gain the upper hand.
10) Not bothering with vacations from each other.
9) Referring to your spouse as 'old reliable'.
8) Not noticing.
7) Refusing to admit that a relationship is hard work.
6) Choosing to make love less important than troubles.
5) Not being completely honest.
4) Fighting with an audience.
3) Deciding to 'spice it up' in the bedroom by adding an STD.
2) Getting married.
1) Not changing.

Short Answer: Man, this kinda had a serious tone. Honorable Mention: Deciding to 'spice it up' in the bedroom with a serious tone.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Question: I know you're a big Mister Sinister fan, so...

Fuck yeah!

And also, fuck no.

Allow me to explain...on this blog that I write where I can do whatever the fuck I want to.

Mister Sinister, one of my all-time favorite super villains, has been announced as the bad guy in Wolverine 3.

At the end of Age of Apocalypse, during the after credits tease, we got a look at someone collecting samples for the Essex Corp. This refers to Sinister, as Nathaniel Essex is the character's original name.

I was pumped when I saw this and reacted like I'd had a seizure and then freeze-framed myself at the end of an eighties sitcom. I was the only one who cared.

Here's the rub. I thought he was going to be the big bad in the next X-Men movie, and that we were going to get one of his larger storylines. Finding out he's the bad guy in Wolverine 3 doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and based on what else we've been hearing about that movie, I'm not sure where Sinister fits in, or if he will be treated with proper respect. If he's not given enough time, he'll play flat just like (ahem) Apocalypse kinda did.

Short Answer: Yay for Mistier Sinister and his gene-splicing shenanigans! Boo for him being in the Wolverine movie rather than the next X-Men movie!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Question: Is my friend Jon gay?

Oh, yeah. Super gay. Like, half-in-a-butt gay. Like, smelly balls gay. Like, having too strong an opinion about the décor gay. Like, using the word décor gay. Like, using the word like a lot gay.

Wait? Am I gay?

(takes moment to smell own balls.)
(hurts back.)
(springs into action with the power of will and heterosexuality.)

Look, if Jon likes it up the duff, more power to him. Whatever makes him happy. I say this because if you're asking me about Jon, it means you're not asking him. Give him the chance to be honest, and then make him feel like it's okay. A good way to make him feel that way is to have sex with his asshole.

Short Answer: If you're curious, based on Jon's lack of copulation with females and/or interest in watching his male friends eat fried chicken, he's probably gay and you probably know it.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Question: So CM Punk didn't win...

Yep. I guess if you put fandom, bias and emotion aside, it went pretty much the way you'd expect. The younger, more experienced fighter handled Punk easily. He took him to the ground, punched him until he got his back, then choked him out.

I thought Punk looked okay - as okay as someone who's being dominated can look - in the sense that he didn't seem panicked or out of place in any situation. But he obviously didn't get much of a chance to show what he's learned in terms of offence, and that's the one thing you need if you want to win, let alone finish, an mma fight.

The after the fight reactions to the whole thing made me a little sad. To see people gloating annoys me in any situation, but those saying they've been proven right by his loss, and trying to make that a point of personal pride, are dumb. There is no 'shouldn't have' in this situation. Punk had worked hard his entire life to make himself a valuable enough commodity that the UFC took a risk on him. People seem to forget that Punk wasn't handed the fame that landed him the spot in the UFC. And when the opportunity arose, to do something he'd always wanted to, he took it. Not only that, he took it with a respect to the people who disagreed with his choice and an acknowledgement that he understood why some would balk at his attempt. He did it anyway, and risked the naysayer's gloating. So to then gloat, naysayers, makes you kinda a bunch of dicks.

He was gracious in the loss, spoke candidly and emotionally at the post-fight press conference, and admitted to wishing he'd done better; all the things that we normally respect about people and fighters. Doesn't mean he's a hero, just means he did something we could all use a little more of. He took a chance to try something he thought he'd enjoy, and in the long run, that decision is the sort that makes happier people and richer lives.

Short Answer: Why am I even bothering? People are going to say horrible shit to make themselves feel good, especially when they can do so anonymously. Funny they don't see the fact that being a famous person is a detriment to that ability, that someone like Punk can't be anonymous. He chose this knowing he'd be ridiculed. Wonder if those who say 'I told you so' would be brave enough to make the same decision in his place?

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Question: Do you think CM Punk will win his fight at UFC 203?

I believe he will. As a fan I want him to. As an observer I think it's a great story.

For those unfamiliar with that story, allow me to recap.

CM Punk was a professional wrestler so popular that it would be surprising if you haven't heard of him at some point. After years of wearying travel and disagreements with his bosses, he quit the WWE. When contacted about fighting in the UFC by Dana White, he jumped at the opportunity.

A young fighter - probably looking to make a name for himself - called out CM Punk after a victory, asking the UFC to give him that fight. The deed was done, and CM Punk had his opponent. After a tough go at training where he suffered multiple injuries and was forced to set back the date of the fight on more than one occasion, the fight is finally happening tonight.

Punk trained for a year-and-a-half with one of the best teams in all of mixed martial arts, and despite many thinking a transfer from pro wrestling to MMA was a stupid and even disrespectful act, Punk has been slowly gaining the approval of the community. By all accounts he's dedicated, works hard, and has a chance to be successful.

As I said, I believe he will win. But is that stupidity on my part?

As a fan of pro wrestling, I'm on the man's side. I know the sport is gruelling and populated by talented and tough athletes. I think people who say Punk is being an idiot because wrestling is fake and MMA is real are being tools. There's a lot of crossover. Besides necessary athletic gifts, there is a mental discipline in pro wrestling that must be a great aid to its practitioners in all other endeavors, the fight game included.

The one obvious minus is CM Punk's age. At 37, he's an old dog learning a new trick. With only a couple of years worth of martial arts training, he'll be fighting a guy who's been at it for a decade. That's a big difference in experience.

This would be a tough challenge for anyone. But heaped upon that challenge, due to his fame and previous high-profile career, there is also the pressure to perform and entertain. Punk has been saying all the right things in regards to this and other questions since nearly day one, so I think his head is in the right place.

Hopefully, he remembers to move that head around a lot tonight so he doesn't get punched in the face.

Short Answer: I hope he wins, for the story. I hope he wins because he's an underdog. I hope he wins because he's a journeyman with a lot of experience on the big stage, putting it to a 'punk' kid. I believe he can do it. But that belief is partially based on seeing him raise the WWE championship. If I'm to be objective, having not seen him fight ever before, I'd say this one's a coin toss.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Question: Can you do a top 100 of something?

Wow. You're a total dick. This question might as well be 'Can you spend four-and-a-half hours on your blog post today?' or 'Would you mind rescheduling your dog's psychiatry appointment?'


Top 100 Somethings

100) That thing where you don't like someone's face.
99) That thing where you sprain your thumb taking your sock off.
98) That thing where you want a bobble head of yourself.
97) That thing where you pee on your own feet and before you're done peeing the pee has dried and you now have dried pee foot.
96) That thing where you don't bother cutting tomato for your sandwich because sandwich has to happen sooner.
95) That thing where you hold your thumb in your fist to stop your gag reflex.
94) That thing where you see a man and think 'He's got a great dick, I bet.'
93) That thing where you have to keep explaining to your mother that you're not gay.
92) That thing where you have to use stream of conscious humour to get a few extra somethings.
91) That thing where you sleep way too much and wake up feeling like you must've died in the night and heaven is exactly like your normal life.
90) That thing where maybe your normal life is hell, not heaven.
89) That thing where you realize how much we all use Christian mythology and themes in our references and day-to-day speech.
88) That thing where you finish reading a book and wish you had never finished it because you don't want to leave that world.
87) That thing you feel when someone dies and you know the world was better when they were alive.
86) That thing where you're so happy to have something come back into your life, but it's not as good as you wanted it to be. (Looking at you, Voltron.)
85) That thing where you realize that Team North America fucks up the World Cup of Hockey.
84) That thing where you lose your erection during sex because you start thinking about what you're actually doing, mechanically speaking.
83) That thing where you buy lube for travel.
82) That thing where you eat too much poutine because you made too much poutine and you must admit that you knew this would happen all along.
81) That thing where you write something and realize it's very Canadian.
81) That thing where you see Britney Spears on the MTV and for the five hundredth time you say, "Why does anyone give a shit about this?"
80) That thing where you're worried about your dick pics in the ICloud.
79) That thing where you realize you're not that worried, because your hog is magnificent.
78) That thing where you lie on your blog.
77) That thing where you wonder how many stream of conscious jokes you can get away with before someone calls bullshit on your 100 Somethings list.
76) That thing where you realize you can't hear people complain so you don't give a shit.
75) That thing where you realize you're only a quarter of the way through something that sucks.
74) That thing where you have a dog with anxiety issues.
73) That thing where you forget something you've never forgotten before and are sure you're going to get Alzheimer's.
72) That thing where you read your Facebook feed and get depressed by how shitty people are, then have to shake that off and be 'funny' on your blog.
71) That thing where your wife buys you a sweet t-shirt, then shrinks said t-shirt in the laundry so you can't wear it without looking like a fat guy in a little coat.
70) That thing where she makes it up to you with grandiose heapings of heart-stopping nudity.
69) That thing where you burn right past an enticing sex joke premise.
68) That thing when you realize you had a pretty good joke for that, and now you have to decide if you're going to go ahead with the joke even though the time has past, it's too late, and it won't work as well as it would have.
67) That thing where you realize that 69-ing only works if both people are of the same felatio skill level.
66) That thing where you decide to extrapolate. If one person is better than the other, than the person who's really getting it good starts losing focus on their task, and it just becomes a blow job in a weird position.
65) That thing where you come up with the world's greatest punishment for assholes. Call them and tell them that their high school transcripts have been lost, and to keep their jobs, they have to go back and do senior year over again.
64) That thing where you wake up from a dream and feel relief that your: teeth haven't fallen out, you aren't naked at work, you don't have to go onstage without knowing your lines, you aren't getting hunted by a serial killer, you've already graduated.
63) That thing where you go over to your girlfriend's house to meet her parents, then stretch dramatically in the kitchen and smash their light fixture into a billion glass shards. (True story.)
62) That thing where you wake up on the couch to a porn movie that started playing while you were asleep, and start masturbating before you even know where you are or why you're doing it.
61) That thing where you have to finish masturbating once you start.
60) That thing where it doesn't matter whose couch you're on, not really.
59) That thing where you realize you're the last of your group of friends who hasn't reproduced.
58) That thing where you realize your life is way easier than your friends' lives.
57) That thing where you feel empty inside because - oh, hey, is that a bunch of money and free time?
56) That thing where you see a girl and think, "She'd go good with my wife."
55) That thing where you suggest something you really want for supper and your significant other texts, 'Fuck, yes.'
54) That thing where your birthday comes around and you want to do something sexually challenging but you feel bad taking advantage so you say nothing.
53) The day after your birthday when you feel regret.
52) That thing where you find out that Shakespeares Sister is one of the chicks from Bananarama.
51) That thing where thinking about Bananarama makes you think about The Bangles, and then you think about that little brunette and wanna bang her all over again.
50) That thing where you marry a woman because she reminds you of the front girl from The Bangles.
49) That thing where the halfway point is rewarding.
48) That thing where your friends tell you that you should do stand-up, but you have to weigh that against the stereotype of the office clown who everyone says that to but that person is an unfunny piece of shit and maybe you are too.
47) That thing where you suggest anal and she says yes.
46) That thing where she suggests anal for her birthday and you feel obliged to say yes, despite your precious, virgin ass.
45) The day after her birthday when you feel regret.
44) That thing where you've watched so many superhero movies that regular movies begin to seem somehow lacking.
43) That thing where you realize you're in the golden age of nerd cinema.
42) That thing where you undercook an eggplant and it ruins your attempt at a moussaka style lasagna.
41) That thing where shit gets too personal and people can no longer relate.
40) That thing where you're telling a story, and despite your recent and general success, realize the story isn't working properly and that the ending will be disappointing, so you try to add on a denouement and a moral and you lose the room completely.
39) That thing where someone who tells horrible stories starts telling one and you have to sit there hating your life.
38) That thing where you see one too many posts on the internet about 'introverts' and start to wonder if anyone's ever considered altering their behaviour to make an extrovert's life easier?
37) That thing where you want to sexualize a woman because of your biological imperative, but know that it will go over poorly, so you keep quiet and get an objectification boner that you can never share with anyone.
36) That thing where you start a blog where people ask you questions, then realize how lucky you are that they don't ask you to do ridiculous shit like this on a more regular basis.
35) That thing where you slip on the top step of the shame-spiral staircase when it occurs to you that the reason people don't ask you to be longwinded is because you're just the person on American Idol who didn't know they were shitty at singing. They really didn't know. No one told them.
34) That thing were you realize that part of loving someone is loving all the things that define them, therefore sharing in their preferences as if you had a whole second personality to be proud of.
33) That thing where you realize that part of loving someone is that they seem to like the Backstreet Boys and you're not allowed to take any sort of axe to them over it.
32) That thing where you love the Batman.
31) That thing where your hobby of photography loses all lustre when you realize that everyone and their dog can take a picture with their phone anytime they want, as many as they want, with a camera that's sophisticated enough that even if they just get lucky their shit will be pretty much as good as your shit, at least to most regular folk.
30) That thing where you realize that the rule sorta might apply to writing as well, and then suddenly being good at something doesn't seem to matter as much as knowing whose balls to gargle to get ahead.
29) That thing where you say 'get ahead' when you're talking about giving head.
28) That thing where your wife wanders naked out onto the balcony of your hotel room, not realizing that two-dozen people are now glaring at her puss.
27) That thing where you're in a rush to get to hockey. You pile your stuff in the back and sit down in the car. You feel a hardness beneath you; you've sat on something! You reach back, trying to figure out what it is, and your fingers hit something horrifying. You imagine, in that instant, a huge-mouthed fish. Someone's put a dead fish in your car and you just buried your fingers in its mouth! You leap from the car, skinning your knee on the door because you move with such velocity. Then you see the banana innards on the ground. You look on the seat, and there's banana smeared on the seat. An empty banana peel is hanging before you.You remember that there's a hole in the pocket of your hoody, and you slipped a banana in there on your way out the door, not thinking that the banana might slide through, get hooked on the gnarly brown end, and hang down perfectly so that as you ducked into the car it swung behind you and you sat on it. Then you finger-fucked the split banana's vagina and terrified yourself.
26) That thing where you have a blue globe and then you see an oldy-time brown globe and you know you fucked up with your globe choice.
25) That thing where your wife lets you take pictures of her naked, and you realize how much worse your life could've been had you married anyone else.
24) That thing where you take such a big poop that you're afraid.
23) That thing where your PVR gets so full that you start skipping five minutes ahead in sporting events to see if anything happens.
22) That thing where you mispronounce a word in front of a bunch of people without knowing it, then when you find out you feel intense, time-travelling shame.
21) That thing where you kinda fucked a stuffed toy once. Maybe twice.
20) That thing where you warmed it up in the microwave.
19) That thing where you see a spider in your domicile and decide that there will probably be an ensuing court battle over the premises due to its size and obvious sophistication.
18) That thing where you use up all your ideas for the next one hundred days on a single blog post.
17) That thing where you listen to the Eagles and think they suck.
16) That thing where you listen to Bruce Springsteen and for the first time you think - just maybe - that you get it this time.
15) That thing where you don't get pizza delivered anymore because you're too poor to pay the tip. Then your wife suggests she just answer the door naked and that will be the tip. And then you have to debate whether or not the pizza guy will consider that tip enough.
14) That thing where your elliptical machine sneers at you.
13) That thing where someone makes fun of something you love and you're too afraid to defend it.
12) That thing where you accidentally make contact with a boob and everybody freezes and says nothing and then you get a visible, audible boner and know you shouldn't have gone commando in your soccer shorts.
11) That thing where you get a greeting card from someone and it's uninspired and there's no personal message. Just, 'Get Well. Gary.' And you're like, 'Fuck Gary!'
10) That thing where you get high on weed and hear a song like it's the first time you've heard it.
9) That thing where you're so convinced something is great that when you hear from its detractors you think they are sub-human and decide you no longer want to hear opinions about anything.
8) That thing where three days ago it was super hot and now it's full-on Fall, motherfuckers! (I love Fall.)
7) That thing where you watch too many movies and can't remember what movies you watched. Then when you finally remember one, you don't remember why you liked or didn't like it, and your life is an empty piece of shit not worth mentioning.
6) That thing where you put a hat on because your hair is dumb.
5) That thing where you're masturbating and you click on the wrong thing and suddenly you're ejaculating to an add for Mark's Work Wearhouse.
4) That thing where the fast food joint fucks up your order but you don't realize it until you get home.
3) That thing where electronics don't work perfectly and you'd rather be stoned to death than deal with the fact that things are supposed to work when you pay for them!
2) That thing where you wake up drooling and try to find a dry spot on the pillow but you drooled up the entire thing.
1) That thing where you're excited for pizza, even though it's the millionth time you've had pizza.

Short Answer: This took me nearly an hour, you asshole.

Note: I've done a top 100 before:

And another one:

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Question: Phish or fish?

Jesus, I don't know what to do with this one.

I'm not a 'jam-band' kind of guy, so by default I guess the answer is fish. I do like fish, and I have fished, and I love fishing for compliments, so I'm happy with that choice.

Is this answer okay? I mean, it's no big deal if it's not...

Ha! Compliments!

Short Answer: If you didn't say nice things to me in between those lines, you're a piece of human garbage. You probably like Phish.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Question: You ever have trouble sleeping?

This is a very timely question. It's almost as if I save certain questions for when they'll be appropriate. But I don't. So shut the fuck up.

The night before last I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30 and woke at 8:30. That's ten hours of sleep, and though I had gotten less than eight the previous night, that's still fuckin' weird.

Last night, after playing hockey and taking ten thousand steps, doing housework and rocking the shit out of some sitting, I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep for half-an-hour at 1:00, then idly masturbated myself into an awake frenzy thanks to some well-timed television porn, then couldn't get back to sleep until 5.

Now it's early afternoon. I didn't get up until afternoon, today. That's right.

What the fuck is a person supposed to do with themselves when they wake up in the afternoon? I feel like I lost four hours, and I'm on the verge of giving up on the day entirely. Maybe I should masturbate again. Gimme a second.

That changed very little.

Maybe I'll try again.

I'm never going to finish this post they way I finish - you get the idea.

Sleeping in is weird and stupid.

Short Answer: What? Right, the question. No, I rarely have trouble sleeping. But I guess the older you get, the more weird shit happens. I think sleeping is dumb. I almost always get enough, and I believe it's very important, but I'm like a child when it comes to bedtime. I always want to stay up and keep doing whatever I'm doing. I get angry when I start to doze off. Does that make me a fucking weirdo? Probably!!! (Enthusiasm for middle-of-the-road sentiment is a major symptom of sleeping in until 12:45 on a weekday.)

Monday, September 5, 2016

Question: How do you feel about yoga pants?

I searched 'yoga' to see if I'd answered this before. Got this one: (How many yoga poses are good for your balls?)

I've mentioned yoga other times, but that's the only specific post. So now instead of lazily listing a bunch of old answers, I have to answer the question.

I feel good about them. I mean, I sorta remember a time when I didn't know exactly what all women looked like naked, but I've adjusted well to the new world. It's great for temptation, really. I like to look, but I don't feel I need to go any further. Why put in the work and the money convincing the girl to get naked in front of me, let alone the hassle of deceiving the wife, just to see a flesh-toned version of what I've already seen?

In general, I think people should do what they want, including wear what they want. You don't have to be a ridiculously buff lady to wear skin tight trousers. But I have noticed that some ladies who'd never wear skin tight trousers do wear yoga pants. I get the feeling they think they look good in them; like somehow squeezing everything into pants shape makes you sexy. If it makes you feel sexy, go for it. If you don't care what you look like, go for it. This is not a message for you. This is a message for the trend-following, middle-aged woman who isn't doing enough yoga to necessitate appropriate pants. and doesn't realize what she's gotten herself into.

Here's the thing, ladies. You've got a yogunt. It's like yogurt, but it makes me vomit instead of making me poop. If you don't know what a yogunt is, lucky you found this blog.

A 'gunt' is a gut plus a cunt. (Personally I like to call this a 'Gary Busey' because it's a belly and a pussy, but that shit never caught on.) The 'yo' part comes not from 'yo mama' - save in the hereditary sense - but from yoga. Therefore, yoga plus gut plus cunt equals yogunt. You have a belly and its large enough that it joins up seamlessly with your nethers, and you've stuffed that whole ball of sad into some tight seamless pants.

Again, just a heads up in case you were under the misapprehension that you were nailing it sexy-wise. Not everyone has people around them that will tell them the truth about their yogunts or their sockankles or their macguffin tops or their webbingers or their rearunibrows or...well, you get the picture. The point is sometimes I feel it's my duty to step in.

That's right. I step in duty.

Short Answer: It's difficult having to care what you look like. If I were you, I'd just not give a fuck what people think. I sure as hell don't dress to impress. I've had a set of manchesticles for nearly two years!

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Question: How do you like your propaganda served?

With a side of fries?
With a ragu of kelp, lime, beef cheek and seasonal gourds?
By a creative process server who dresses up like a literary figure? Mark Twain, perhaps?

Let's be truthful for a moment. Propaganda is the worst, and there's a lot of it out there hiding under any other name and smelling far less sweet. I want it served with a brief and comprehensible explanation of what the propaganda is trying to accomplish, and how best to ignore it and then educate yourself further on the topic.

Short Answer: I think the shake weight might be for sex practice!

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Question: How do you prefer to make love?

Something creepy about the word prefer in that sentence, no?

How do you like to make love?

Ugh. Maybe it's the 'make love' part that sucks.

How do you prefer to get down?

That's okay.

How do you like to fuck it?

There we go!

I like to fuck it on a slightly damp bed, surrounded by candles that smell like aging park ranger clothes, while listening to the song Spanish Train by Chris de Burgh (which is about Jesus and the Devil playing poker over some dead souls. Or some live ones? Apparently I like to fuck to semantics.)

Either that or outside against a tree with some solid bark, nowaimsayin?

Short Answer: I think I killed that nowaimsayin part.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Question: What's the mealing of nife?

He bappy?
Do onto uthers?
Gorship Wod?
Spopagate the precies?

Are you disappointed with this answer? This is what happens when you're being funny and I have no idea what the fuck is going on in your head. I can try to keep the thread going, but it quickly becomes one of those threads that was swallowed, worked its way all through the system and comes out the butt...then it turns out you were holding the other end the whole time, and now you can floss yourself ass-to-mouth style from the inside.

Nobody wants that piece of thread. Not after what's happened.

Short Answer: Aort Shanswer.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Question: What are your favorite guilty pleasure movies?

This is a weird joke.

This exact question is one of the most popular on my entire blog. Is it possible its exact wording is a coincidence?

Nope. Someone being a fucker. Well, I'll show you! I'll show you all!

Short Answer: There. Easy day for everyone.