Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Question: What did you think of Rolling Stone's ranking of all SNL cast members?

Some thoughts.


I think John Belushi is romanticized. I don't think he's the best ever.


At ten, Chevy Chase is too high. He was only briefly hilarious.


Will Ferrell, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Chris Farley are at 12, 13, 14 and 15. I think a strong case could be made that they should all be placed far higher, even at the top.


Rachel Dratch at 16 is a fucking joke. No way is her body of work that strong. She's above Maya Rudolph at 18, who could be considerably higher.


Chris Rock at 21 is the biggest joke of all. He was barely relevant. This puts the whole list into questionable territory. If you're taking people's accomplishments from outside SNL into account, the list is horribly inaccurate.


It gets pretty fuzzy and mediocre after that. Martin Short could be higher, as could Jimmy Fallon (who people have somehow forgotten was the star of the show for a short time). Vannessa Bayer at 43 is bad. (How are all these modern cast members above Kenan Thompson?)


Here's one that deserves it's own little rant. I was going to comment on the fact that despite loving Tim Meadows, it's generous to put him at 48...and then I saw Will Forte at 52. Fuck that. Will Forte was incredible and prolific. This list is now officially bullshit.


This list is clearly taking into account other successes. Michaela Watkins, 68th best SNL cast member of all time? Are you fucking kidding me? Suck it, everyone who's below this. Suck it by default.


I'm actually starting to think this is a joke that's been played on me, or I'm somehow reading a fake version of the list.


Here's my own list of bullshit: Aidy Bryant at 92. Cheri Oteri at 94. Chris Kattan at 95. Bobby Moynihan at 98. Bullshit.


Norm Macdonald. 135. List discredited.


Short Answer: Who's been watching SNL and thinks Bobby Moynihan deserves to be down with the one-seasoners? Head out of ass, Rolling Stone. (Also, way to put Robert Downey Jr. as the worst, to attempt to prove that external success isn't relevant.) Seriously, there have been dudes who've hardly spoken in their one season on the show. Ridiculous.







Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Question: Please sir, may I have another?

"Everybody gets the same."


That's a quote by Ben Gazzara from the excellent Buffalo 66, a movie that Vincent Gallo made when he was a genius, before Brown Bunny when everyone got mad at him for having a nice dick.


I'm not sure what you want another of, but the quote holds. You're entitled to exactly the same amount of abuse as anyone else, save for my direct rivals.


Do you remember Brown Bunny? Did you even see it? It ends with a straight up blowy. Chloe Sevigne performs it, in full mouth-to-cock close-up. It's pretty awesome.


Anyway, I don't know what I gave you in the first place, so I'll have to pass on giving you anymore, for fear you'll end up with the wrong 'another'. Who wants chlamydia, am I right?


I actually like the Brown Bunny. It's broad and self-indulgent, but so is his penis! Kee-ohhh! No but seriously, it might be long and drawn out (ahhhh...like his penis) but it's still a pretty decent little story that Gallo directs the hell out of. Even Ebert changed his mind on the movie after seeing the new cut. Apparently the festival cut was far worse. Not enough blow job, I'm guessing.


Short Answer: Vincent Gallo is a pretty great actor, and I wish people would forgive him for directing a scene where he gets to mouth-fuck a Hollywood actress. If that was part of your job description, you'd sign up right away, you judgemental pricks.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Question: My Mexican sister has the clap.

Whoa.


I don't know what to do with this.


Why is it notable that your sister is Mexican? Aren't you Mexican, too? Is this your subtle way of ruling yourself out as a possible source? Like, my sister is Mexican and I'm not, so if she has the clap, I can't possibly have it, so there's no way I could have given it to her during sexual intercourse?


Look everyone has sex with their Mexican sister. It's not a big deal. Not cool that you didn't let her know that you were diseased, though. You probably should have worn a sombrero.


Short Answer: STDs aren't the end of the world. Almost everyone has them. My wife has almost all of them. I have none. Isn't that weir-wait a second!?!

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Question: How long are you gonna keep this up?

This question struck me as negative, but I don't know if that's coming from the asker or the askee.


It's a good question, whatever the intent. Obviously this isn't my job, though I suppose it could be if I were to garner enough followers to start putting ads up. I'd rather not do that, though. Without revenue, by definition, it's a hobby, and I suppose one can do a hobby for their entire life if they dig it enough. But I feel like this blog is a little more than a hobby. I have a few aspirations. One such is turning all of this - or at least the best of it - into a book one day. The other is to have enough success in my chosen career - writing fiction - that I don't have the time or the inclination to keep this blog going.


So the answer is who the fuck knows?


Short Answer: Fuck knows?

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Question: Are you going to participate in go topless day?

If by participate you mean look at all the pictures on the internet, then yes.


Some might claim that I'm missing the point of the event. I would answer thusly:


Boobs, motherfucker.


Yes, yes, this makes me part of the problem...


No it doesn't! Whatever the problem is, looking at pictures on the internet doesn't spread it around. Perhaps if one actively shared all the photos with their friends that would be akin to spreading, but it would only be a drop in the bucket compared to the fact that the pictures are all over Google already.


Leave me alone!


Short Answer: It would be rather pointless for me to go out and participate in some topless thing. I have nothing to offer save for my inability to control my googly eyes and some seriously inappropriate growling.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Question: What am I going to do with all these child text books?

Don't you mean children's textbooks?


Oh shit! Do you mean you left your textbooks alone? Like, without supervision? And now you have a bunch of child textbooks running around?


This is bad. Textbooks are notoriously bad parents. (That's why there are so many textbooks found in dumpsters, or just given away at black market gatherings.) They'll just wanna continue to party and fuck and the child textbooks will be abandoned.


You're going to have to cowboy up on this one. It's okay. We've all heard of textbooks that have been raised by human parents. Sure they don't always grow up to be all that effective at teaching, but at least they can make their way in the world as Cole's notes, or Ikea instructions, or poorly constructed detective novels.


Do your best, and don't feel too bad if they end up going down the romance novel route just to pay the bills. You can only do so much. Support them as best you can so they don't turn out to be...dare I say it?...origami.


Short Answer: My fear, now that I've had time to wax comedic, is that the reason you have all these 'child text books' is because you kidnapped a bunch of 'childs' and found the 'text books' in their 'bloody backpacks'.


I'm sure everything is fine.



Thursday, August 25, 2016

Question: Many a night have I stayed up wondering what the cosmos has in store for us. Why are we here? Is there a God or gods? Where do we go when we die? Do we have a purpose on this planet? Is there a reason for anything? Will the universe provide when I'm most in need?

That's a lot of questions.


Blog's called Ask Keith Anything, not Ask Keith All The Things. You fucked up.


Let's go through it at a length of response that makes me comfortable.


Why are we here? To eat pizza and fuck faces.
Is there a God or gods? We're good at making shit up, so probably not. If there is a god, he's the god of making shit up.
Where do we go when we die? Nowhere. You're eclipsed, ended, completed, and you're not there anymore to understand, to have the slightest notion, or the last-moment realization that this is the end. You're just gone. Or clouds ands wings and haloes and everyone you ever loved, including, perhaps your pets, depending on how crazy you are.
Do we have a purpose on this planet? On this planet in particular? Probably not. But spreading our dastardly seed throughout the galaxy seems as close to a purpose as anything.
Is there a reason for anything? Yep. Some things. Like the reason you can't get laid is dandruff.
Will the universe provide when I'm most in need? Not if you don't capitalize the 'u' in universe.


Short Answer: (AKATT) Ask Keith All The Things: Question: What is the answer to all the things? Sadly, it's a mathematic equation that's so long and complex that a normal person can't understand it. Only a centaur can. Bye!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Question: How much money do you make?

Add up the amount of times your mom needs vaginal attention per fortnight (VAPF) and multiply it by the amount she pays me to stuff her like a pre-teen bra (ASPMT-SHLAPTB) and you've got a rough idea of how much your mom craves my penis, I mean, how much I make in a two week period.


Unlike my barely interested cock and your whore of a mother, money isn't really my thing. I know it makes the world go 'round and all that, but I try hard not to care about it.


Short Answer: I make enough to provide oil-based lube to all your mothers. Water-based lube is safer but I just don't care that much.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Question: I think you might be a better poet than you are a humorist. What say you to that?

This is one of the nicest things ever said to me on blog, mainly because I'm so hilarious and humble. If I wasn't, I suppose this could be an insult.


Whew. Good thing.


I guess I'm suppose to write a poem now. (Or, if this is an insult, fuck you, here's a poem!)


The worst poem I ever stole
was from the battered goodbye of an ending friendship
they sounded like larks in the night: out of place but clear


The best poem I never stole
was the brittle song of neighbors coupling
tapping against the near-translucent hotel wall


Short Answer: Honor Thief

Monday, August 22, 2016

Question: If they made a movie out of your life, who would you want to play you?

Salma Hayek.


I'm naked a lot. And I bounce around frequently; I'm a big frolicker. So I think it would be best for a beautiful woman to play me. It just makes sense. And we want the movie to make money, don't we? No one wants to see a naked Ernest Borgnine on screen.


I actually look more like Salma Hayek than I do Ernest Borgnine, anyway. It's the taut behind and lack of googly eyes.


Short Answer: Fassbender?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Question: Remember that time we went to Narnia?

Totally. You got inseminated by that centaur-thing and had a half-man, half-half-man baby that died straight away, howling and shitting all over it's malformed, fingery hooves!


What a magical fucking place.


Short Answer: Sorry, brah. That wasn't me. But no worries. Not the first time I've been mistaken for a magnificent yet preachy lion.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Question: What are the best songs to poop to?

Have we just hit a new low?

Nope!


Top Ten Songs To Listen To While You're Pooping


10) Long Train Running by The Doobie Brothers
9) Smooth Operator by Sade
8) Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop and Pharrell
7) Patience by Guns 'n' Roses
6) Let It Go by Andina Mandelay or whatever from Frozen
5) Push It by Salt-n-Pepa
4) Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Poops...err, Pips
3) Song 2 by Blur
2) Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
1) Deuce by Kiss


Short Answer: This could've been way grosser. Thank your lucky stars that I'm so tasteful.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Question: Why doesn't Veronica want to ask you a question?

Because I ass-sexed Betty while Jughead and Moose tugged each other off? It happened. Ask Dilton Doiley; he's got that shit on his phone.


Or maybe it's because she's busy having a three-way with Archie and Reggie. Meaning she's laying on a bed in some lingerie while giving instructions, making the boys kiss and press testicles together. Archie is embarrassed but Reggie is kinda into it, you know?


Or maybe it's because Mr. Weatherbee just laid a one-tonne shit on Miss Grundy's bony, old chest?


I know your question had absolutely nothing to do with sex, but I took a few days off and I guess this was sort of built up.


Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Josie and the Pussycats, hard-core girl-on-girl sauna orgy, fist-shaped toys and music by the band Stryper.


Okay. I think I'm good, now.


Short Answer: Most people don't ask me questions because they fear they'll be ridiculed. It's fine. Anyone who fears ridicule probably shouldn't be a fan of mine, anyway. This is the thick-skinned Olympics and I just got the bronze in telling you that I had sex with your mom in response to every single criticism.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Question: Are you taking a little vacation?

Why yes, Me, I am taking a little vacation.


Be back in a few days, suckers.


Short Answer: I actually like you.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Question: Would you rather drive a 1998 Buick Century? Or walk?

I'm not a car guy. I mean, I drive them and sit in them, and I like the way some of them look, but I would be more likely to successfully change my sex than change a carburetor. Do you even change a carburetor? Let me try again. I'd more easily identify as transgendered than be able to identify a carburetor.


As for this particular car, unless I'm missing some pop culture relevance, it seems like any other car to me. It's a normal-looking, 4-door sedan, not unlike the car that I drive. So I guess the sad and true answer is distance would be the only relevant factor. If it was too far to walk, I'm sure I'd take the Buick.


Short Answer: I like walking.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Question: If you could have a higher IQ or a bigger penis, which would you chose?

I hate to dodge this question but both choices would be problematic. If I had a higher IQ, I'd hardly be able to function around people. As it is I see most of you as dogs, the best of you as bright-eyed simpletons.


And if my penis was any bigger you'd be able to see it from space. Running would be right out and I'd have to get a California king-sized bed just to house the excess dong flesh when it's nappy time.


Seriously, if I was any smarter they'd have to name a building after me by law. They'd call geniuses 'keiths' moving forward.. They'd pay me a stipend not to take the world hostage. I'd be given an honorary title, something like Sir Ivy League the Brain Champion of Smartland.


If my penis was any bigger horses would learn to blush. Vaginas would go, 'Whaaaaaaaaa?' The toilet would have to be redesigned and fashioned from space-age materials to handle the firehose-like pressure of my urine stream. You'd hear a sonic boom whenever I impregnated someone.


That enough? (...I've asked women without putting hardly any in.)


Short Answer: I'm fine just the way I am. I fear if I was a little smarter, I'd be depressed more often, which is something that highly intelligent people often struggle with. I guess I'd pick bigger penis, because, you know, there's always porn.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Question: What are the best movies to watch in a back-to-back, doubleheader type situation?

I don't often say this, but wow, what an incredible question. Going to take some serious thinking.


Just kidding. Here goes.


(Halfway through and I've realized that I'm going to have to do two separate lists: one for Horror, and one for not-Horror.)


Top Ten Best Doubleheader Movies - Horror


10) Near Dark and The Lost Boys. Two eighties vampire classics, giving you all the fun, blood and style that has been lost from the sub-genre.
9) Halloween and Halloween 2. Technically it's one continuous story. The second doesn't stand alone all that well, but does extend the joy of the first if watched together.
8) 28 Days Later and Dawn of the Dead (2004). Fast zombies changed everything! Now it's old hat, but these movies were ground-breaking, not only providing great entertainment, but also pushing the zombie genre into the mainstream.
7) Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead. The originals. Romero at his best.
6) Inside and Martyrs. Good luck getting through these two French horror movies back-to-back. Most can't handle this much awesome.
5) From Beyond and Re-Animator. The great Stuart Gordon does his Lovecraftian best with his signature sense of absurdist humour
4) Army of Darkness and Return of the Living Dead. The funnest (funnerriest?) of the horrory movies.
3) The Ring and The Grudge. You can do the two originals (Ringu and Ju-on) but for a full-faced scare explosion, do the remakes.
2) Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp. It's great, camp counselor fun and the endings aren't scary at all!
1) The Omen and The Exorcist. Right?




Top Ten Best Doubleheader Movies


10) Intolerable Cruelty and Burn After Reading. Lots of Coen's stuff to choose from, but I often pair these because they exemplify the brothers' ability to make strange, singular, little worlds that live and breath within their own rules of lunacy.
9) Dazed and Confused and Superbad. My two favorite coming of age movies. Totally different feels, yet the same feels.
8) Kill Bill Volume 1 and Kill Bill Volume 2. I hate to waste a spot on this super obvious one, but in my experience - because they came out in theatres a ways apart - people haven't often watched them together. I've only ever seen them as one entire film and have never been disappointed.
7) The Monster Squad and The Goonies. Wolfman's got nards + truffle shuffle.
6) Memento and Fight Club. Two 'have your mind blown' films from the same time period by two writing geniuses. I always bunch them together as two of the best first viewing experiences, as well as two of the best second viewing experiences, as well as two of the best films of all time.
5) Hero and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yimou Zhang's first American breakthrough is as beautiful as his other films, but with better fights. Then Ang Lee does his Chinese martial arts epic and teaches a few free lessons.
4) Ghostbusters and Caddyshack. Bill Murray connection, plus the fun and spontaneity of this era of comedic film.
3) Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity. On the same actor train, these movies show Cusack at his rambly and lovable finest.
2) Alien and Aliens. This was nearly number one, and you know why. Both movies are great, so different they almost aren't even the same genre, and yet the main character's through line is outstanding.
1) The Godfather and The Godfather Part 2. Right?


Short Answer: Pairs of Cronenberg movies were number eleven on each list. Try to figure them out and win a prize! (The prize is my disdain.)

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Question: I've been reading your poetry. As payment, I would like you to write me an original one.

Okay, but in no way does it mean this poem is yours. Like, don't try to sell it or some stupid shit.


You know what? In case you're confused, I'll make it extra shitty so no one will ever want it.


I solve problems good.




'Till naked rivers flee the ocean
(we walk, hands splayed)
Take me up on fountains high
(we love, minds flayed)
I never thought to ask the witches
(we wander, eyes grayed)
Or the imps that nightly fly:


How do screams maim hearts forever?
(oh)(please)
Won't they flaccidly subside?


Short Answer: Fountains High. (That or 'Lazy-Ass Title'.)

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Question: Who is your favorite prop comic besides Carrot Top?

Few times in the history of this blog have I completely dropped the fa├žade in order to admit that I have no answer to the question.


But I think you know that.


I think this question is designed to fuck with me. Like, who's your favorite soprano sax player after Kenny G, or what would you put in fried rice if there was no rice, or if all the sex and pizza was gone what would you do with yourself?


So you got me. I'm stumped. And I refuse to Google prop comics, as it will give all the governments agencies who are spying on me the complete wrong impression about my mental state.


Short Answer: Carrot Top is scary ripped, so I won't say anything bad about him ever. I don't like to piss dudes off who could crush my head between their buttocks like a bearded walnut. (Bearded walnut should be a well-known euphemism for some specific dirty bit. I'll get on that.)

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Question: Naked Boob Surprise?

You just dig this out of my browser history?


I love a Naked Boob Surprise. Who doesn't? I love a naked boob anything. Now that I think about it, I don't like surprises at all, so a Naked Boob Surprise is the only kind of surprise I like! That's even more notable!!!


Fuuuuuuckkkkkk!!!!!!!!


Why is it capitilized? Oh no. This is a thing, isn't it? Did I just endorse a euphemism for kicking a donkey in the teats or something? I didn't mean to, donkey, I swear it!


Seriously, what do you expect from me, people? Do you expect me to present you with a Naked Boob Surprise? Have you seen my boobs? There are nigh on underwhelming.


Not sure if that's the proper use for nigh on. Is anyone reading this? Am I yelling into the void?


Fine. I give up. Here you go.







Short Answer: Your wish is granted.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Question: Who is the best super hero?

Aaaaannnd a question from a small child.


If this question was asked by an adult, I'm going to go right ahead and assume they don't expect me to do a thorough breakdown of all possible candidates here. It would take up nearly the rest of my life, and I still haven't watched the new season of Orange is the New Black.


The answer is Batman. Always was, always will be. Nothing beats the Bat. He's got a great origin, his go-to powers are stealth and fear, he's a scientist and a detective, he's got all the resources he could ever need and he's completely committed to helping people and making the world a better place. Also, he serves the ideal role of something fantastical in literature by playing a perfect metaphor for humanity, arguably by being a little on the nose as Batman doesn't have any super powers at all. He's just a person.


The best person ever.


I don't feel the need to go further. Everyone fucking loves Batman and much has been written on the subject. If you need any more convincing, look into all the iconic stories that have included Batman, or the depth of his rogue's gallery, or the impact he's had on pop culture in aggregate.


Everyone knows who Batman is. And if he was real, and in your city, you'd think twice about being a criminal for fear of meeting him in a dark alley.


Or you'd just do your crimes in a bright area that Batman would never appear in.


Short Answer: Did I just ruin Batman? Oops.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Question: What did you think of the opening ceremonies?

Wow! I didn't know people knew about my Bi-Annual Festival of Elitism!


Thanks for asking. They went great. I put my wife in her place by calling her a complete dumbass, then I called my mother and subtly indicated I'd already accomplished more in my life than she has or ever will, then I found a homeless guy and made it clear through my gaze and body posture that I was disappointed in him, then I complained that the world wasn't giving me all it owed me. Then the surviving members of the Beach Boys played Kokomo and my pet hamster fell asleep.


Yea, yea, you mean the Olympics. There was a lot of ass, right?


Short Answer: Can't take the ass out of Brazil, television camera angles, try as you might.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Question: Could you carry me?

1: How fat are you?
2: How far are we going?
3: Will there be blowjobs when we get there?
4: Is this a Jesus thing?
5: Would you be willing to take turns?
6: Is piggyback okay, or do we have to do 'threshold' style?


Here are the acceptable answers to the above questions. If we differed in any way, you gotta walk, bitch.


1: Not at all fat.
2: Not at all far.
3: Fuck and yes.
4: Nope.
5: Only on my supermodel girlfriend. And you can go first.
6: Piggyback is the only way.


Short Answer: Googled this just to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Could be a song by a band called Kygo that I've never heard of. If it is, tough noogies.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Question: What were the best pop songs on the year you were born?

This feels like an elaborate ruse to find out exactly how old I am. I'm on to you, asshole!


Instead, I'll pick the best songs from a random year.


Best Pop Songs of 1979


10) Bad Case of Lovin' You - Robert Palmer
9) We've Got Tonight - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
8) Don't Stop Till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson
7) Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
6) Sharing the Night Together - Dr. Hook
5) Hold the Line - Toto
4) I Want You to Want Me - Cheap Trick
3) My Sharona - The Knack
2) Heart of Glass - Blondie
1) The Logical Song - Supertramp


Now you go to the YouTube or the Spotify or the whatever you use and listen to these songs. That's part of the bargain. Get to work.


Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Babe by Styx, Message in a Bottle by The Police, Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Question: What's the deal with people showing their penises?

Showing is a funny word to use here. It's not like we all go to the penis theater for the fucking show.


I assume you mean dick pics. Yep, there's a name for the thing you're on about. That's how popular it is.


Gotta say I don't think it's all that weird. Obviously if you send your dong to a stranger, that's fucked up. If you click your peen and text it to a girl you just met, that's weird, too. But a nice, shiny cack between two consenting adults? Seems like a pretty natural thing.


If there is some other sort of penis-showing news story or event I haven't heard about, please let me know. I love the cock.


Speaking of things I love, I'm a pretty big fan of texted/e-mailed/fedexed nudity in general. I love bums and titties and selfies that include said bums and/or titties. So I think cock meat is only fair.


Short Answer: That last line made me fantasize about lining up to buy a stick of cock meat at the fair. "Get your cock meat! Step right up, oily, drippy cock meat!"

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Question: QQQQQQQQ?

I picked this question out of the queue (get it?) today so I could talk about a few things that I want to.


By the way, I think this might be a reference to the Will Forte spelling bee sketch from SNL. If it is, good job.


Anal Marauders from Beyond the Sea of Tranquility.


That's a name for a cult movie my sub-conscious created. There you go. Out of my head.


Here's another thing. Serena Williams made a silly little instructional twerking video for some fitness mag. This is a non-event to anyone with a friggin' brain. But apparently the internet 'broke' because of it. (By the way, how many times are black women's asses going to break the internet? Who's fixing the internet? Is it Latino men's balls? I hope so!)


So much vitriol was spewed at Ms. Williams, from slavery comments to criticisms about her skills, that I had that feeling I get almost every single day, now. I sorta wish I could get away from the internet, from all the bile and hatred and empty words that spread negativity and judgment for no good reason. The Age of Communication would be wonderful if people weren't eating up a large chunk of space with their pathetic attempts to make themselves feel good at the expense of others.


Just tired of it.


Short Answer: Problem is, we can't get away from the internet. It's practically part of our brains, now, an external hard drive that has become difficult to live without. I wish we could come up with some sort of stupid asshole filter so I could have my fun without being reminded that humanity is kind of a dick.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Question: Trump, Bieber, Kardashian, Kanye...just trying to help you with your traffic.

Thank you?


Not sure what to do about this.


Who would win in a fight? Kanye, 'cause he'd get angry, flail arms.
Who would be best to do sex with? Kim Kardashian because she's been warmed up.
Who would be the best president? Oh my god...Bieber.
Who would you like to have dinner with? Kanye. He'd feed you something better than Trump Steaks.
Who would you like to meet? Kinda want it to be Trump, so I could see if he was a tool in person.
Who would you like to collaborate creatively with? Kim. I'd like to collaborate creatively on her ass.


Short Answer: For every other question I could think of the answer was Kim, and included the words 'ass' and 'doin' it'.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Question: Coitus, Intercourse, or Sexual Congress?

I love that these are capitalized so it looks like you're asking me which is my favorite band or brand name or something.


Coitus definitely makes people squirm (especially the person I'm applying coitus to, ya dig?)


Weird.


Intercourse sounds doctor-y and sciencified, which has its place. I think if you apply coitus you likely perform intercourse, and who wants that kind of pressure?

I like the term sexual congress. So much that I'm assuming this question came from someone who actually knows me. You get to achieve sexual congress; I like achievements.


Short Answer: You forgot 'Buttery'. Not buttery like, butter; buttery like fuckery or shaggery. Is anyone still reading this?