This is closely related to my recent 'Conciliatory Underwhelming Handjob' list from my post about make-up sex songs. Let me think average length and semi-hard about songs that you kinda don't want to be getting a lazy handjob to, and songs that do the opposite of what Fleetwood Mac does.
Oh? You don't know what Fleetwood Mac does?
They make lovin' fun.
Here goes it:
(And don't forget to picture yourself grinding away along with this stuff, or it just won't be funny. And if you think, "There's no way thinking of myself grinding away could be funny" then you ain't never seen yourself grinding away.)
Worst Songs To Have Sex To
Any jingle: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is...almost...there."
Any kid's show theme: Fred Penner? Mr. Rogers? Am I right?
Opera: That shit's just too intense. Nobody wants to finish that hard.
New Jack Swing: Don't have sex to Bobby Brown. It's weird.
Pitbull songs: I'd be afraid that at the point of conception some Pitbull might get into the baby. Pitbull has to stop at this generation.
Death Metal: What's the point if no one can here you blow it? It's like a tree falling in a forest of trees about to cry.
The Theme to Monday Night Football: She'll think you're not into it.
Glee Stuff: As in, stuff from the show, 'Glee'.
Show tunes: Les Miserables in particular.
Kesha songs: Because she sucks, not the other thing.
Don't get your panties/balls in a knot. Imma do a Top Ten:
Top Ten Worst Songs For Sexy Time
10) Trololo by Eduard Khil
9) Don't Stand So Close to Me by The Police
8) Macho Man by The Village People
7) Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
6) She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze
5) Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday
4) Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex
3) Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
2) Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday or Sarah McLachlan
1) Biko by Peter Gabriel
Short Answer: Gloomy Sunday is that song that makes people off themselves. Look it up.
Honorable Mentions: It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls, Conga by Gloria Estefan, Hangin' Tough by NKOTB, I Touch Myself by Divinyls, Mother by Pink Floyd