Saturday, July 2, 2016

Question: My dog and my cat have a frightening relationship. I don't think they want to spend any time with me anymore.

I don't think you should be frightened by the fact that people don't want to hang out with you. I mean, be realistic. You're a seven on a good day, your hygiene is questionable, you think Batdance by Prince isn't a good song, and your hair has the texture of straw that's been tucked into a hillbilly's overalls near or around the assflap part.

You're also terribly insecure and your pets are picking up on that shit. It's not that weird for cats and dogs to like each other, no matter what Bill Murray in Ghostbusters implies. This doesn't mean they don't like you. You still feed them, don't you? Stop doing that and you'll see how much they appreciate you in a damn hurry. You'll be getting sandpaper tongue on your balls/vagina in no time.

Short Answer: If your pets have really turned on you, it might be time to re-evaluate your entire existence. Dogs can fall in love with a stick in under ten seconds, so what's your problem? Maybe be stick-ier.

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