Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Question: A man, a rabbit and an alien walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Whisky, straight up with a twist."
The rabbit twitches his ears and says, "Whatever beer you've got that's extra hoppy. And a straw."
The alien says, "Seven percent more oxygen."

The bartender returns with their drinks and says, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but you're a strange trio to come into a bar together. Is there a story, here?"

"I abducted Steve," says the alien, pointing to the human.
"And this is my pet rabbit, Huey," says the human, pointing to the rabbit.
"And this is my friend Almax from Corruga 9," says the rabbit, directing an ear toward the alien whilst taking a sip through his straw.

"Wait, what?" says the human. "You know this guy?"
"Uh-huh," says Huey.
"Huey contacted our people," Almax says. "He thought you would be a prime candidate for probing."

The rabbit laughs.
"How the fuck did you contact an alien race?" Steve asks.
"Rabbit ears," says Huey.
"Real funny," says Steve.
"Oh fuck you, Steve. When was the last time you gave me a full carrot, you righteous prick? Baby carrots? What the fuck is that? You deserve a steel rod in your ass and you know it. You treated Mellissa like garbage, you say horrible shit about your mother behind her back, and your taste in music is fucking deplorable. Who the fuck listens to that much Conway Twitty? Holy shit."

Steve pushes away from the bar. "I had no idea you were full of such vitriol."
"Seven percent more vitriol," Almax says.
They laugh.

"Seems like I've really opened a can of worms, here," says the bartender.

"Do you have cans of worms?" asks Almax. "That would be a delight."

"I'm out of here," Steve says.
"Don't get too comfy in bed," Huey says. "We're going back to the mother ship tonight and we're going to get all up in that backside, son."

"This is ridiculous," Steve mutters as he leaves.

"You really think he believes us?" asks Almax.
"Sure. He's a gullible prick," says Huey.
"Why do they all believe we want to put things inside them? What would be the point?"
Huey turns to Almax. "I don't know. What would be the point of locking an animal in a two-by-two cage, an animal synonymous with energetic play and actually hopping? You know how fucking hard it is to hop in a cage that's less than twice your height? You should murder every human on this planet, man. All the goddamn baby carrots and those fucking water bottles that you have to lick the ball at the end to get any goddamn water, plus all the animals in cages; humans are fucking assholes."
"I think you've had enough, Huey."
"Fuck you, Almax. You're dick looks weird. Anyone ever tell you that?"

The bartender clears his throat. "We like to have things shoved up our asses because it feels good. Not just because of all the nerve endings up there, but because the sense of submission it produces allows us to relax and release all the stresses of a long day, a day of living the life of a human being in a fucked up world where people put rabbits in cages and care only about themselves, a day full of fighting to be right, to be on top, to establish dominance. Sometimes all we want is to be pinned down and probed."

"Jesus," Huey says.
"Maybe we should reconsider this probing," Almax says. "If it's going to help mankind do better as a species."
"Yep," Huey says, slurping the last of his drink. "I think we've got something. Let the probing commence!"
"Tonight, then? With Steve?" Almax asks. He reaches into his flesh wallet an pulls out a soggy twenty, sliding it across the bar.
Huey hops down. "Yep. But let's go to the store on the way home. I want to buy a bag of real carrots, the big kind."
"You can really eat a whole carrot yourself?" Almax asks.
Huey's ears twitch. "They ain't for eating, Almax. They're for asses."

Short Answer: Be nice to your pets or they just might contact an alien race to stick a pretty good-sized carrot in your rectum.

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