Thursday, July 14, 2016

Question: Do you and your wife have a list of celebrities that you're allowed to bang?

I think I've hit on this before, but in a meager, unguided search I couldn't find it, so I'll pretend it's fresh and new.


I guess I shouldn't have admitted what I just did. I'm not good at pretending. Unless it's pretending I don't find your father attractive.


Anyway!!!


It's kind of a rotating list. She's got Ryan Reynolds, Chris Evans, Hugh Jackman; you know, those kinds of dorks. But the thing is, she can bang whoever she wants. Shit, she can bang the guy at the grocery store who can pronounce 'margarine' for all I care, so long as she doesn't bring back the herp.


Me, on the other hand, is a different story. There are certain girls that my wife considers to be untouchable, because she thinks they're cute, and I'm not allowed to fuck them - or specifically allow them to felate me - because it would spoil them in her eyes. This is all true. She has celebrity fuck-list veto power due to the perceived ruinous nature of my cock-in-mouth interactions. Can you believe it?


So if you ever want to blow me, Bryce Dallas Howard, you have to blow my wife first or something.


Short Answer: I'm a Salma Hayek guy, as you all know. Though I wouldn't turn Katy Perry away. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't turn many people away. Even the guy at the grocery store has a real, purty mouth when he's struggling to say words properly.


Note: He looks like a fish about to sneeze.

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