Saturday, July 23, 2016

Question: Can you cheer me up?

Do you have a bumhole and do I have a finger?


What's the problem? Balls too big? Too many ladies filling your voice mail with sex-messages? Too many online comedians making slightly outdated references? Too handsome? Too skilled at work, play and lovemaking/pottery firing? Too much money, power, fame and so many personal and professional achievements that you must use an abacus? Too many call backs to outdated reference jokes? Too much youthful hair around head, chin and thighs? Too many gumdrops and unicorn kisses? Too much emotional support and understanding from your peers and family?

I hear ya! Life can be tough. Here's what I like to do to take a load off:


(place GIF of masturbation here)


Get it? A load off? Holy shit, this is going well.


I'll cheer you up you morose bugger. Life is the tits! There are birds singing and rains bowing and music lilting and monkey brains being slurped up through those straws with the spoony thing at the end. Those straws, man! Come on!


Short Answer: I know I nailed it. Thank me later, once the happiness subsides, if it ever will. I'm guessing it won't. Apparently I'm a shitty guesser but what do the cops know, am I right? I bet I make that light without anyone getting killed the next, say, eight out of nine times.

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