Sunday, July 31, 2016

Question: Verisimilitude?


Are you implying that this blog is somehow inauthentic? Or is it deeper than that. Are you, perhaps, saying that I'm a fraud, that I'm not really like this, that the character is somehow a ruse, a false-front, a mirage?

I guess by calling myself a character I'm revealing a few things.

Yeah. You're right. I am attempting to give you the impression that this is real. As they say, that's the joke.

Are we pulling back too many curtains, here? Lifting too many veils? Hiking too many skirts? Unlacing too many bustiers? Quickly removing too many pairs of sunglasses in emphasis? Squatting too deeply to poop in the forest and getting a rash?

I suppose I should consider that your one word question was in no way an assault on the fabric of my blog. In that case, yes, that's a big word that means a thing. Well for you at writing it on internets, chum!

Short Answer: You can't have verisimilitude without Eris, the Greek goddess of discord and strife. She's an ancient shit disturber, like whoever wrote this question. Wait, was that a whomever I just missed? Dammit. Hard to stay on point, today. I'm like a ballerina with a chest cold. That's oddly specific. Is anyone understanding any of this? Mom?

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Question: Cinnamon Buttparts?

Well, you've managed to write something entertaining, I'll give you that.

Is this is a stripper name?
Is this the newest product from Cinnabon? (It looks like a butt, and you pull it apart? Gross.)

I was going to keep going but that's all I can think of. I guess we'll never know the true answer.

But I guess because it's my job to answer the question, I'll say yes. Yes to Cinnamon Buttparts and his mystical, hair growing tonic!

Short Answer: Yes.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Question: What do you believe are the main film genres?

I don't think there are very many. I break movies down into just a few categories: Drama, Comedy, Horror, Action and Documentary. I've never been a huge fan of diving deep into sub-genres. Never once have I described a film as a Dram-Com-Doc or a Hor-Com-Dram.

I especially don't approve of Thriller and Suspense as major genres, as I barely accept them as sub-genres of Horror. They're just words for people who don't want to admit they like being scared or because they think the word Horror implies a lesser quality film.

Don't get me wrong. There are clearly other genres that are hard to place beneath those Big Five. Sci-Fi, Western, Fantasy and likely a few others. The only reason I wouldn't include them off the bat is 1: My penchant for keeping things simple and 2: The use of the word 'main' in the question. Yes, to some, Romantic Comedies and Westerns are main genres. To me, they are not. They are speciality genres. You'll notice that the Big Five I've put forward are vague, and cover a lot of ground. What Western isn't an Action movie or a Drama or both?

To Stephen King, every good story is a Horror story. To me, every good movie is a Drama. When you don't know what to call something, it's a Drama. Even many successful comedies have great dramatic moments. If I had to pick one term for all creative endeavors, it would be Drama. It reflects what storytelling is all about: getting people involved, making them care about characters and watching their varied, arcing journeys to resolution.

Short Answer: I could easily be convinced to extend the Big Five to a Big Ten, but I'll never accept the really sub-genre-y shit like Zom-Com, Disaster Films, Road Movies and so on. Those things describe what you're going to see more accurately, but that doesn't make them an entire genre. To me, if you go beyond ten genres, you're opening yourself up to nearly a hundred. No joke.

Note: The Martian is not a Comedy.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Question: How do you feel about all the politics?

Ever been walking down the street minding your own business and a wasp flies near your head for a second? You think, "Fuck off, wasp, I ain't afraid of you." And you're not afraid, but you're smart enough not to smack at him, because that'll piss him off. So you just keep walking, and assume all is right in the world.

Then that fucker comes back, buzzing near your arm, and you're all like, "Shit, wasp! Why you gotta make it like that?" You probably try to step a little sidewise as you carry on, maybe doing a half turn like seeing the wasp better is going to dissuade him.

Finally, he fucks off for a moment, only to double back and enter your airspace once more. Your last hope is to run a few awkward steps, hoping you can leave him behind. This usually works.

Politics. We kinda need wasps, and we probably shouldn't murder them with extreme prejudice, so the best we can do is take some quick, gangly steps once in a while to create breathing room.

Short Answer: I'm tired of them. All. All the that. Tired.

Note: Make it a minimum wage job that requires a four year Governance degree = save the world. Only people who really care will bother, like with veterinary assistants.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Question: A man, a rabbit and an alien walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Whisky, straight up with a twist."
The rabbit twitches his ears and says, "Whatever beer you've got that's extra hoppy. And a straw."
The alien says, "Seven percent more oxygen."

The bartender returns with their drinks and says, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but you're a strange trio to come into a bar together. Is there a story, here?"

"I abducted Steve," says the alien, pointing to the human.
"And this is my pet rabbit, Huey," says the human, pointing to the rabbit.
"And this is my friend Almax from Corruga 9," says the rabbit, directing an ear toward the alien whilst taking a sip through his straw.

"Wait, what?" says the human. "You know this guy?"
"Uh-huh," says Huey.
"Huey contacted our people," Almax says. "He thought you would be a prime candidate for probing."

The rabbit laughs.
"How the fuck did you contact an alien race?" Steve asks.
"Rabbit ears," says Huey.
"Real funny," says Steve.
"Oh fuck you, Steve. When was the last time you gave me a full carrot, you righteous prick? Baby carrots? What the fuck is that? You deserve a steel rod in your ass and you know it. You treated Mellissa like garbage, you say horrible shit about your mother behind her back, and your taste in music is fucking deplorable. Who the fuck listens to that much Conway Twitty? Holy shit."

Steve pushes away from the bar. "I had no idea you were full of such vitriol."
"Seven percent more vitriol," Almax says.
They laugh.

"Seems like I've really opened a can of worms, here," says the bartender.

"Do you have cans of worms?" asks Almax. "That would be a delight."

"I'm out of here," Steve says.
"Don't get too comfy in bed," Huey says. "We're going back to the mother ship tonight and we're going to get all up in that backside, son."

"This is ridiculous," Steve mutters as he leaves.

"You really think he believes us?" asks Almax.
"Sure. He's a gullible prick," says Huey.
"Why do they all believe we want to put things inside them? What would be the point?"
Huey turns to Almax. "I don't know. What would be the point of locking an animal in a two-by-two cage, an animal synonymous with energetic play and actually hopping? You know how fucking hard it is to hop in a cage that's less than twice your height? You should murder every human on this planet, man. All the goddamn baby carrots and those fucking water bottles that you have to lick the ball at the end to get any goddamn water, plus all the animals in cages; humans are fucking assholes."
"I think you've had enough, Huey."
"Fuck you, Almax. You're dick looks weird. Anyone ever tell you that?"

The bartender clears his throat. "We like to have things shoved up our asses because it feels good. Not just because of all the nerve endings up there, but because the sense of submission it produces allows us to relax and release all the stresses of a long day, a day of living the life of a human being in a fucked up world where people put rabbits in cages and care only about themselves, a day full of fighting to be right, to be on top, to establish dominance. Sometimes all we want is to be pinned down and probed."

"Jesus," Huey says.
"Maybe we should reconsider this probing," Almax says. "If it's going to help mankind do better as a species."
"Yep," Huey says, slurping the last of his drink. "I think we've got something. Let the probing commence!"
"Tonight, then? With Steve?" Almax asks. He reaches into his flesh wallet an pulls out a soggy twenty, sliding it across the bar.
Huey hops down. "Yep. But let's go to the store on the way home. I want to buy a bag of real carrots, the big kind."
"You can really eat a whole carrot yourself?" Almax asks.
Huey's ears twitch. "They ain't for eating, Almax. They're for asses."

Short Answer: Be nice to your pets or they just might contact an alien race to stick a pretty good-sized carrot in your rectum.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Question: If could marry any celebrity crush who would you pick?

I've answered this exact question before.

Here she be:

The answer still holds up pretty well, I think. There are a few more disgusting trollops I might consider, but marriage is difficult and most people aren't worth it. If it was just wailing gonads together it might be easy to put together a more extensive list, but I don't want to have to emotionally support some hot actress 'cause if I don't she'll gargle the yarbles of her leading man. (Which she'll probably do anyway.)

Short Answer: I think looking at perfect body parts on the internet has lessened my love of celebrities and their okay stuff. Now I want to marry a woman compiled of all the things I've ogled, like an internet Bride of Frankenstein. And she could even have that hair. I kinda dig it.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Question: I don't understand what's going on.

That makes two of us.

This question (?) could pertain to a lot of different things. I'm guessing it's about what's going on in politics, along the lines of scandal and idiocy, but I'm not going to comment on that. I'm out. America has officially spurned me; I can't process the crazy without feeling bad about people, myself and the world at large.

If this is a more general statement, I think I can address it.

We're all stupid animals. Nobody really understands what's going on. Just try to relax and let the tide take you. If you end up in shallow water, you'll stand; if deeper, you'll learn to swim. I promise.

Short Answer: Read more, sleep more, say 'I love you' more.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Question: PEANUTBUTTER and jam mit in your bumtt!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I'll edit a question to keep people from looking like idiots. I'll change a your to a you're, or de-capitalize a letter, or correct a commonly misspelled word.

I decided to leave this one alone.

Listen, I know how drinking works. You do it, then you do some other stuff, then you feel weird that you did all that stuff. It probably seems like a great idea to ask me a question when you're on the sauce. You've gone and had a brilliant thought! You'll never remember it tomorrow, so best to lay it on me now, before it's too late. Because man, are you funny. And you're going to help me be funny. It's a win/win!

Only it's not quite. It's more like a lose/opportunity for public shaming.

Lay off the shooters, and let me put the peanut butter where I like it.

On your mom's pussy.

Short Answer: Wow. That went somewhere.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Question: Can you cheer me up?

Do you have a bumhole and do I have a finger?

What's the problem? Balls too big? Too many ladies filling your voice mail with sex-messages? Too many online comedians making slightly outdated references? Too handsome? Too skilled at work, play and lovemaking/pottery firing? Too much money, power, fame and so many personal and professional achievements that you must use an abacus? Too many call backs to outdated reference jokes? Too much youthful hair around head, chin and thighs? Too many gumdrops and unicorn kisses? Too much emotional support and understanding from your peers and family?

I hear ya! Life can be tough. Here's what I like to do to take a load off:

(place GIF of masturbation here)

Get it? A load off? Holy shit, this is going well.

I'll cheer you up you morose bugger. Life is the tits! There are birds singing and rains bowing and music lilting and monkey brains being slurped up through those straws with the spoony thing at the end. Those straws, man! Come on!

Short Answer: I know I nailed it. Thank me later, once the happiness subsides, if it ever will. I'm guessing it won't. Apparently I'm a shitty guesser but what do the cops know, am I right? I bet I make that light without anyone getting killed the next, say, eight out of nine times.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Question: Read any good books lately?

I'd like to give you shit for getting a question from a random question generator or the first sentence from a terrible Tinder date that didn't end in any butt slaps, but I like the question, so good job, you uninteresting bastard.

I'll go back about a year, and do at Top Ten. Sound good? You're damned right it is does.

Best Ten Books I've Read Within The Year

10) Not That Kind of Girl - Lena Dunham. I really like her TV show, Girls, so I thought I'd give her book a go. It's similar in voice and tone, proving that she's a true creative, and that the show does in fact come from her. This is relevant because I found the show so fresh that I wanted to believe it had come from one person, and was as original as it felt.
9) Still Foolin' Em - Billy Crystal. Another memoire style bio by the author. Billy Crystal is a great comedian and a very strong writer. His tales of growing up in the biz are so engaging that I read this book in one day.
8) Killing Floor - Lee Child. This is the first Jack Reacher book. I'd tried before to pick up a Lee Child and got lost in a staccato, half-sentence nightmare, not realizign that he didn't always or normally write in that fashion. After loving the Reacher movie, I went back and gave it a fair shake. The character is likeable, which is the key to these kinds of mystery, crime thriller-jobbies. Also, he murders the hell out of people. No walking into a room and stating the solution, here. He walks in and kills everyone in the room.
7) Daily Rituals - Mason Currey. A compilation of the daily rituals of famous artists, writers and composers throughout history. Apparently massive amounts of drugs is the commonality.
6) Shit My Dad Says/I Suck at Girls - Justin Halpern. I read Mr. Halpern's books back-to-back, so much did I enjoy his first one. His father is the star, but the writing is fun and accessible, and the stories speak on human truths with no pretension.
5) The Farm - Tom Rob Smith. I think we've got a modern master here. He's written some other, more popular books, this just happens to be where I came in. I don't want to say much about this one. There's a farm in it. Excited?
4) Ready Player One/Armada - Ernest Cline. As adverstised, Cline's books are a smorgasbord of pop culture references. Too much for some, I lapped it up, revelling in the nostalgia as well as the finely-paced story-telling. Ready Player One is the better of the two, as Armada relies heavily - with delightful awareness - on established tropes to tell its story.
3) Super Mario, How Nintendo Conquered America - Jeff Ryan. Pretty much a history of Nintendo, told through the pixels of its most notable character. One of the most engaging reads I can remember; it was a joy to learn the ins and outs of the video game revolution.
2) Red Country - Joe Abercrombie. If you aren't reading Joe Abercrombie, I don't like you. He's done wonders in the fantasy genre for years, now, and quickly become one of my all-time favorites. Red Country swings a little western, with no dip in quality or style. Start from the beginning (The Blade Itself from the First Law Trilogy) and read everything! Do it!
1) Snuff - Chuck Palahniuk. I can't begin to describe how much I enjoyed this little number. The whole thing takes place in a waiting area for a huge, porn gang-bang. We get the point of view of the aging performer, the young upstart, the poor cock-wrangler and the bangee herself. You actually start hoping she can break the record!

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Bossy Pants by Tina Fey. When You are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris. The eleven Wheel of Time books I've (re-) read so far by Robert Jordan.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Question: What do you think of the RNC?

I have diarrhea. I've had it for a while. I'm at the doctor right now. Pray for my sweet, pummelled ass. 

Short Answer: If you think this is an inappropriate answer to the question, you're wrong. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Question: I don't think you're very funny.

There's really only one rule, here. If you want to ask a question, you have to ask a question. So I'm going to help you out and add the requisite question mark to your statement.

I don't think you're very funny?


Sounds like you're not sure of yourself. I can see how it's troubling. Sometimes, you may think I'm not very funny, and yet other times, for you and many others it would seem, I'm blindingly so. As I can read from your confusion, it's difficult for you to quantify how you feel about me because there are times when I'm the funniest person you've ever come in contact with. Due to those uproarious experiences, when I'm not funny, it makes you doubt your whole world view and throws you off to the point that you'd consider reaching out for help, putting on the table your deepest, darkest fear: That you are broken inside, and therefore can't find a way to comprehend that someone as funny as me exists. So you think, 'Geez. Maybe I'm a monster. Maybe I don't think he's very funny because I don't deserve life and breath. Maybe I should off myself with repeated baseball bat strikes to the temple and groin.'

It's okay. We all have bad days. Don't worry. Things are going to be all right. I am funny, and it's okay that people like me exist. You don't have to love everything I do as much as you love some of the things I do. And at least we can both agree that you love most of the things I do immensely.

Short Answer: It's always nice to hear from such a big fan.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Question: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Go to the doctor.

I just listened to this song, and it was hard not to think that they were talking about some nutsacks. Listen and see if I'm crazy.

I guess technically they're singing 'bout the coconut toss at the fair, but that's just a euphemism for gargling balls, right?

Did you know Merv Griffin used to be young?


Not really a whole lot more to say. Made a joke about the nuts part of coconuts, referenced the actual meaning, then made a keen observation that most if not all people were once younger than they are now.

Short Answer: Fuck! My life is shit!

Monday, July 18, 2016

Question: What method of birthing do you recommend?

We talkin' real baby or poop baby?

I guess the answer's pretty straight forward either way.


I'm a big fan of the baby comes out and nobody gets their vag destroyed way. This can be accomplished through lucky vaginal birthing or cutsy-cutsy. That's what doctors call it. I swear.

I don't recommend anal.

Short Answer: That's the first time I've ever said that sentence.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Questions: Worst song to have sex to?

This is closely related to my recent 'Conciliatory Underwhelming Handjob' list from my post about make-up sex songs. Let me think average length and semi-hard about songs that you kinda don't want to be getting a lazy handjob to, and songs that do the opposite of what Fleetwood Mac does.

Oh? You don't know what Fleetwood Mac does?

They make lovin' fun.

Here goes it:

(And don't forget to picture yourself grinding away along with this stuff, or it just won't be funny. And if you think, "There's no way thinking of myself grinding away could be funny" then you ain't never seen yourself grinding away.)

Worst Songs To Have Sex To

Any jingle: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is...almost...there."
Any kid's show theme: Fred Penner? Mr. Rogers? Am I right?
Opera: That shit's just too intense. Nobody wants to finish that hard.
New Jack Swing: Don't have sex to Bobby Brown. It's weird.
Pitbull songs: I'd be afraid that at the point of conception some Pitbull might get into the baby. Pitbull has to stop at this generation.
Death Metal: What's the point if no one can here you blow it? It's like a tree falling in a forest of trees about to cry.
The Theme to Monday Night Football: She'll think you're not into it.
Glee Stuff: As in, stuff from the show, 'Glee'.
Show tunes: Les Miserables in particular.
Kesha songs: Because she sucks, not the other thing.

Don't get your panties/balls in a knot. Imma do a Top Ten:

Top Ten Worst Songs For Sexy Time

10) Trololo by Eduard Khil
9) Don't Stand So Close to Me by The Police
8) Macho Man by The Village People
7) Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
6) She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze
5) Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday
4) Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex
3) Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
2) Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday or Sarah McLachlan
1) Biko by Peter Gabriel

Short Answer: Gloomy Sunday is that song that makes people off themselves. Look it up.

Honorable Mentions: It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls, Conga by Gloria Estefan, Hangin' Tough by NKOTB, I Touch Myself by Divinyls, Mother by Pink Floyd

Friday, July 15, 2016

Question: What do you think of all this Ghostbusters hoopla?

Opening day, right?

I've said it before and I'll probably have to say it again because you fuckers don't listen. A reboot, or a re-imagining, or a re-tooling, or a re-whatever you want to call it in no way hurts, diminishes, infringes upon or insults the original work. The Ghostbusters you know and love will still exist whether this movie is good, bad or ugly.

People have hated on remakes before, so that doesn't surprise me. It's possible, at least theoretically, that all the hate for this movie is that same animal. I don't, however, think that the possibility it's got some misogynistic elements is one to be ignored. Anytime someone can be a dick, and has a perfect guise, watch out.

What I mean by this is that if you can be a dick to women all you want, then claim it's just because you liked the original Ghostbusters so much, then you think you've somehow protected yourself and fooled everyone. I'm not fooled. That doesn't mean that everyone who pre-hates it is doing so because of females in the suits, but it also doesn't mean that I can't see you buggers who are trying to slip through the cracks.

Already, tonnes of people have reviewed the movie poorly, and it hasn't even come out in the States, yet. Did they all pirate a movie they had no interest in seeing just to pan it? Maybe a few. Which means the rest are just little assholes with nothing better to do. I hope it doesn't affect the movie's box office too much.

I say go see it. If you're a fan of the original, there's likely some nostalgia there. If you're a fan of these brilliant comedians, go support them. If you like to support funny filmmakers, Feig has a proven track record. And if nothing else, go support a big budget movie that took the risk of having four female leads, despite the fact that there's a shitload of pricks out there with nothing to do but hate on anything that scares them.

Short Answer: I wish the trailers had been better, so I could really argue on their behalf. Despite my lack of excitement, I'm still going to go see it for the reasons above. Then I've earned the right to review it, because I took the time.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Question: Do you and your wife have a list of celebrities that you're allowed to bang?

I think I've hit on this before, but in a meager, unguided search I couldn't find it, so I'll pretend it's fresh and new.

I guess I shouldn't have admitted what I just did. I'm not good at pretending. Unless it's pretending I don't find your father attractive.


It's kind of a rotating list. She's got Ryan Reynolds, Chris Evans, Hugh Jackman; you know, those kinds of dorks. But the thing is, she can bang whoever she wants. Shit, she can bang the guy at the grocery store who can pronounce 'margarine' for all I care, so long as she doesn't bring back the herp.

Me, on the other hand, is a different story. There are certain girls that my wife considers to be untouchable, because she thinks they're cute, and I'm not allowed to fuck them - or specifically allow them to felate me - because it would spoil them in her eyes. This is all true. She has celebrity fuck-list veto power due to the perceived ruinous nature of my cock-in-mouth interactions. Can you believe it?

So if you ever want to blow me, Bryce Dallas Howard, you have to blow my wife first or something.

Short Answer: I'm a Salma Hayek guy, as you all know. Though I wouldn't turn Katy Perry away. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't turn many people away. Even the guy at the grocery store has a real, purty mouth when he's struggling to say words properly.

Note: He looks like a fish about to sneeze.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Question: Can you do a Top Ten list of make-up sex songs?

I guess by 'make-up sex songs' you mean songs that you want to play dong-puss (or dong-butt, or puss-puss) to that aren't your typical loves songs.

Top Ten Make-Up Sex Songs

10) Suffragette City by David Bowie
9) Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson
8) Fire Woman by The Cult
7) Seek and Destroy by Metallica
6) Highway Star by Deep Purple
5) Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne and Randy Rhoads
4) One of These Days by Pink Floyd
3) Fat-Bottomed Girls by Queen
2) Mr. Brownstone by Guns 'N' Roses
1) Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue

Short Answer: My wife and I don't have make-up sex. We fight and then she tells me to leave her alone. Maybe I should write a conciliatory underwhelming handjob list.

Top Ten Conciliatory Underwhelming Handjob Songs

10) Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes
9) Coconut by Harry Nilsson
8) Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
7) Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by The Spin Doctors
6) You've Got a Friend in Me by Randy Newman
5) All I Want to do is Make Love to You by Heart
4) Candle in the Wind by Elton John
3) Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic
2) Rock Lobster by the B52s
1) (I've Had) The Time of my Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

Have fun spending the afternoon on YouTube!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Question: Did I catch you at a bad time?

Do you mean...

Did you snag me at an inappropriate juncture?
Did you accost me at the wrong moment?
Did you grab me at an improper instant?
Did you nab me at the incorrect point?
Did you seize me during an erroneous period?
Did you clutch me at an unsuitable phase?
Did you capture me at a fallacious interval?

I guess yes or no based on how lazy/entertaining you find this.

Short Answer: If you're herpes, then solid yes. Never a good time to catch herpes, 'cause herpes don't never go away.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Question: How do we make clogs mainstream?

I'm going to play the old question with a question game on this one.

Why the fuck would you want to make clogs mainstream?
Here are the answers to my question:

"Because my feet don't hurt enough."
"Because wood sounds good when stomped on."
"Because I like to be a little more flammable than everyone else."
"Because I'm a plumber."
"Because my mother was Dutch."
"Because crocs are too comfortable and stylish."

Now to answer the original question.

Put them on Donald Trump.

Short Answer: "These Trump Clogs are the most extravagant, most luxury clogs you'll ever clog in. The wood...the wood is beautiful. You're gonna love 'em."

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Friday, July 8, 2016

Question: Danny McBride in an Alien movie?

Danny McBride is welcome in any movie, if you ask me.

And you did!

Apparently McBride has been cast in Alien: Covenant, the title of the day for Ridley Scott's Alien movie that is being made instead of the Neil Blomkamp one.

I'm not pumped about any of this. I love Alien as much as the next doofus, but Prometheus really was a bag of oily dicks, and it brought home for me the coin toss of a director that Ridley Scott has turned out to be. Save for the first few years of his career, he's directed a gem after a turkey after a gem for decades. Covenant could be great. Could be garbage.

I'm also no longer pumped about Blomkamp's Alien movie. I loved District 9 and instantly put him up there with guys like Christopher Nolan and Duncan Jones as directors whose next film I anxiously anticipate. Then Elysium was a bit of a disappointment, then Chappie was bloody shite.

But McBride! Yeah! You know how I feel about Your Highness, so let's put this fucker in everything. It will make it good. As a wise-cracking anything, McBride is top drawer.

Short Answer: You know what I keep in my top drawer? The souls of my victims! Bye!

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Question: Are you dirty in bed?

Mom! Stop asking me this! Geez!

No. I'm not dirty. I'm clean and effective. In fact, if I could use one word to describe my sex life, it would probably be efficient. Or haberdashery.

Don't get me wrong; I'll let a gaunt hobo watch from a wicker chair in the corner. It's just that he'll be watching a very precise, well-thought out plumbing of my wife's fleshy depths.

I'm just kidding.

I don't own a wicker chair.

Short Answer: I do own a wicker chair. But the rule is you have to be naked to sit in it. Vagrants have yet to protest the condition.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Question: Dear Keith, I've recently taken up gardening. I am a very attractive woman, and my male neighbors have taken to hanging around outside and chatting with me while I work. They don't seem to do the same for my roommate, so I think it's look based. Anyway I can encourage them to leave me be without being too rude to them?

First of all, you just absolutely threw your roommate under the fat and/or ugly bus. Jesus. They don't talk to her so it's obviously look based? Is this that subtle, undermining thing that my wife claims women do to each other? Because I don't want to believe that shit really exists, and I also don't think it's very subtle when it happens.

"I love that you're brave enough to wear a dress that's so last year. Good for you."

That shit.

I'm guessing you're attractive or you wouldn't have jumped right to the 'fat roommate' conclusion. Also, you actually considered that this was about your looks, which makes me think you aren't out there gardening in clogs and filthy overalls. The point is, you probably look pretty. And guys are going to stop and talk to the pretty girl.

What I'm not suggesting is that you ugly yourself up. There's no reason that a woman should ever have to change how she looks or dresses because of the poor behaviour of some douchey douche drooling all down the shirt he got along with his gym membership.

What I do suggest is asking them to leave you alone. It's not impolite if their behaviour has become such a pattern that you feel the need to seek professional (ahem) help from someone like yours truly. Honest is the way to go in most situations. If they take offense, fuck them. If they start being nasty to you, piss in their geraniums.

Short Answer: Maybe start gardening with your friend. This might discourage them, or better yet, make her feel good about herself when she gets some attention. I doubt she's getting much positivity from you, princess.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Question: Was that Nicki Minaj watching me pee?

Was it a woman with a bulbous ass? That should be your first clue.

I guess the second question would be: Is Nicki Minaj the kind of person who would watch someone else pee? I think she probably is. She's whacky, creative, sexual and likes to show her nipples 'by accident'; she's definitely a looky-loo.

I'm assuming that you gave her the opportunity, like you were peeing in public or next to her trailer or on stage at her concert. Because if you were just in your own house, in your own bathroom, that wasn't Nicki Minaj. Maybe a bear got in?

Short Answer: Does it make me a bad person that I like the Anaconda video? I mean, let's be honest here, everyone, that's a lot of ass. Like, a lot, a lot. That's the car crash of asses.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Question: What's the best you've ever done at bowling?

The best I've ever done at bowling is not go bowling.

Calm down, bowlers, not everyone has to like everything. For example, I like wearing my own shoes, not some smelly, sweaty weirdo shoes. I also don't like holding heavy balls in my hand, and hurting my wrist a lot.

Also, I'm going to take this opportunity to call out all bowling alleys everywhere on their low quality attempt at pizza. I know all pizza is supposed to be good, but you guys are really pushing it.

Here's a story about bowling. I almost bowled a perfect game when I was seventeen. It was only the second time I'd ever bowled ten pin, and all I did was line up the ball directly down the center and throw it kind of slow. I got seven strikes and a spare, and one open frame where I left one pin, whatever that score is. Oh, and then the bonus strikes at the end where you get to throw three times in one frame.

For the record, I like Tekken Bowling. And I had some fun with the Wii bowling, too. But those were in my house, where I don't have to wear any shoes. I tried not wearing shoes at the bowling alley and I slipped and bruised my twat.

Short Answer: Bowling's fine. I've bowled perfect games on the TV, and that shit counts.

Note: I did my best pratfall ever at a bowling alley. I stepped on someone's shoe and pretended to slip, only bowling alley's are fuckers and I slipped further than I meant to and fell pretty hard. When I got up, I reached for a woman's coat and put it on like it was time to leave, which killed. A few seconds later I realized I'd ripped the crotch out of my jeans. Fuck you, bowling! Who rewards a clown like that?

Note #2: I like the movie Kingpin.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Question: Why do you masturbate so much?

Are you my mom? Geez.

How do you know how much I masturbate? Are you in here, watching me? No, seriously, say something. I can't see anymore.

Get it?

You don't know me. I could be a dickless chimp sealed inside a glass box with a typewriter. I might only use dirty words in an effort to connect with people through laughter. For all you know, I've never touched my own wiener. I'm like Schrödinger's Masturbator. If you haven't seen me do it, do I even have a dick and balls?

That doesn't make sense. Why do my attempts at sounding deep always arrive at castration? Cows?

Anyway, I don't think I masturbate all that much. I do it approximately daily, and I rarely allow my life to suffer because of it. There's no bawling child that I'm unwilling to feed until I complete my morning pully. I do it in a healthy, whenever it strikes me kind of way.

Also, I'm pretty well-adjusted. I don't masturbate at people, for example. I do it in the privacy of my own home, or the privacy of someone else's home while they're at work, or the privacy of your darkened backseat, or while lying prostrate beneath your bed when your significant other goes out of town. Relax. It's like I wasn't there at all...

Short Answer: ...except for my seed.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Question: My dog and my cat have a frightening relationship. I don't think they want to spend any time with me anymore.

I don't think you should be frightened by the fact that people don't want to hang out with you. I mean, be realistic. You're a seven on a good day, your hygiene is questionable, you think Batdance by Prince isn't a good song, and your hair has the texture of straw that's been tucked into a hillbilly's overalls near or around the assflap part.

You're also terribly insecure and your pets are picking up on that shit. It's not that weird for cats and dogs to like each other, no matter what Bill Murray in Ghostbusters implies. This doesn't mean they don't like you. You still feed them, don't you? Stop doing that and you'll see how much they appreciate you in a damn hurry. You'll be getting sandpaper tongue on your balls/vagina in no time.

Short Answer: If your pets have really turned on you, it might be time to re-evaluate your entire existence. Dogs can fall in love with a stick in under ten seconds, so what's your problem? Maybe be stick-ier.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Question: I just read your documentary films list from 2014, and I thought of a lot of great docs you didn't list. Could you revisit this?

Here's the original 2014 post:

Let's revisit!

Different Top Twenty Docs

20) When We Were Kings (1996) Some claim this movie about the 'Rumble in the Jungle' fight is the greatest sports doc of all time. They may be right.
19) Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief (2014) Decided to include some HBO stuff, this time. There might be better exposes of the Church of Scientology, but for me, knowing nothing, this was a comprehensive and terrifying look into their way of life.
18) Bully (2011) Kids getting bullied. Not cool.
17) Love Child (2014) A story about internet/gaming addiction and the very real life (and death) consequences.
16) Super Size Me (2004) I like Morgan Spurlock more and more as I watch his CNN series. This documentary was very fun to watch, and still his best work to date.
15) Until the Light Takes Us (2008) Perhaps the worst looking doc on this list, and least professional, it's arguably the most haunting. It tells the story of the birth of Black Metal, the burning of churches by aimless suburbanites, and a cold-blooded murderer.
14) Amy (2015) Bios aren't my favorite sort, but this documentary was a thorough telling of the story of a great talent dealing with the stress of fame.
13) Capturing the Friedman's (2003) Just barely missing the honorable mentions the last time I did a doc list, this movie, after it's own revisiting, was underappreciated by yours truly. A seemingly normal family rocked by child pornography allegations.
12) It Might Get Loud (2008) The wackiest entry in terms of form and format. The premise is to get Jack White, Jimmy Page and the Edge in a room together. Along they way, we're shown personal stories about the way each guitarist approaches his art.
11) My Kid Could Paint That (2007) A documentarian's dream! Amir Bar-Lev starts out with the intention of documenting a child prodigy, before learning that things might not be as they seem. We are with him every step of the way on his journey to discover the bigger story developing before his camera lens.
10) The Imposter (2012) A kid from Spain shows up in Texas claiming to be a family's long lost son. Whaaaaaat? A powerful story about the power of full denial.
9) Searching for Sugar Man (2012) Ever heard of Rodriguez? You should have!
8) The Queen of Versailles (2012) A glimpse at how the other side lives. Unless you're a billionaire, this will interest you.
7) Crumb (1994) The life and times of Fritz's Robert Crumb. He was an interesting cat.
6) Jesus Camp (2006) A woman recruits children into the army of Christ, because there's a war coming. It's terrifyingly hard to watch indoctrination in real time.
5) Cropsey (2009) The less said the better. What if your urban legend turned out to be true?
4) Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010) All the great things about documentary filmmaking come together for this one. Banksy sets out on one mission, before discovering the story in front of the lens is actually about a fan with big dreams. A scathing look at the world of art and how easily people are led.
3) The Act of Killing (2012) Former Indonesisan death-squad leaders are challenged to recount their glorious feats through the art of film. A long, hard look into man's justification of violence with a horrific and satisfying conclusion.
2) Zoo (2007) Not for everyone, this doc tells the story of a man and his horse, and how loneliness can turn very, very bad.
1) Overnight (2003) I think I gave this an Honorable Mention as kind of an afterthought on the last list, but this movie is far more than that. Watch Troy Duffy burn every bridge in town as his quick rise to Hollywood stardom turns him into a narcissistic d-bag. You can actually feel his career dying through your eyeballs.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Manhunt: The Search for Bin Laden, Senna, Religulous, Spellbound, West of Memphis