Alternate Self-Aggrandisement: Right Backstroke
Helping Out A Friend: Both
Typing a Political Statement: Both
Typing Sweaterdresses: Left
Fake shot, deke, roof: Back-handed
Keeping My Bitch In Line: Asking nicely
Short Answer: To help out a friend, I need both hands so I can work the balls. Don't assume it's because of their length. Not all my male friends have huge penises like I do, guys. Geez!