Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Question: Is there any woman so perfect she can inspire you to never masturbate again?

I'm not sure you understand how inspiration works.

Why would anyone ever be inspired not to masturbate? Inspiration makes you want to do things. "I'm so inspired right now, I think I'll sit on my ass and do nothing," said no one ever.

Look, maybe you're wrestling with the wrong tiger. I get what you're saying. Like, a person could inspire another person to quit smoking. But you're talking about orgasms, here. Healthy, tasteful, sexy orgasms. Why the fuck would I want to stop that? What sort of inspiration could a person give me to make me choose to be less happy? There's no such thing as a level so perfect that I'd decide to do less fun things. Even if this perfect woman said something like, "You can't masturbate, or I won't have sex with you." I'd ask, "Were you going to have sex with me anytime I wanted while you let me look over your shoulder at the ten hottest pairs of boobs on the internet?"

And let's be clear about something else. The perfect woman wouldn't try to stop their man from masturbating, so your question is flawed from the start. In fact, if you're with a woman and she thinks masturbation is weird or gross or against God's will, you should write a big sign in permanent marker, that reads 'God's Will', put it on the couch next to her, and jack off all over it.

Short Answer: Asking someone to change their habits because they don't align with your precious sensibilities is a far cry from perfection. About as far as a lazy, arcing rope of fresh, squeaky jism, from wang-tip to landing area.

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