Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Question: I often feel underappreciated. What are some things that you think are underappreciated?

First off, I agree that you are underappreciated. Just the fact that you're participating in my blog means you should be forced to fend off the excessive adoration of your peers on a regular basis.

The oddness of the cucumber: I've spoken at length about my despise for this weird, green phallus masquerading as foodstuffs before. So instead, I'd just like to focus on the weirdness of the thing. Like it all you want, but please acknowledge that it's a wet, seedy monstrosity sent from hell to dampen your soul.

Hall and Oates: I'll bet your ass you like music by a band that loves Hall and Oates, that grew up on them and were influenced by them. So get to work appreciating them.

How wide an anus can stretch/sphincters in general: Seriously. Without things that let things in but don't let things out, we'd be hooped.

Aquaman: Again, I've already spoken enough in my lifetime about Aquaman. Every time you make fun of him, you're just jumping on a trend, without having any idea what you're talking about. It became cool to make fun of him, but it doesn't change that his character makes Superman look like a basic bitch, and ya'll seem to accept that nard ball. Aquaman's a king, goddamn it! A king!

Inside: A L'Interieur, the French horror film, is one of my favorites of all time. Though it is appreciated, I deem it under-ly so. I think it deserves more.

Sexual content in film: Whenever a woman climbs out of bed and takes the covers with her, or someone shifts awkwardly to make sure their dong doesn't show in the shot, I'm taken out of your fucking story, morons. Nudity happens in real life. It's not that people are jacking off to every fucking love scene, it's that we want to be immersed in your art, taken away by the story, not reminded that we're watching one.

Poetry: You know how many times I've heard people say that poetry isn't their thing? Sometimes, that's true. People have read poems and gotten no joy, deciding it's not their bag. But for all the people who've never given the medium a chance, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Humans have been writing poetry since before creationists existed, so there's probably something out there for you, or at least something worth exploring. I'm tired of people treating poetry like opera, or other dying/dead arts. Our ability to communicate feelings through words is the heart of our humanity, you asses. (You should probably check out opera, too.)

Comedians who talk about shit that 'offends' people: Yes, (-insert your particular brand of being offended here-) is no joke, but joking about it is important. Joking about horrible shit helps us talk about horrible shit. It helps us process the complex emotions and start dialogues. Acts of blatant communication help us heal and stand side-by-side against true perpetrators of atrocity. And laughter is the best medicine, someone said once I think.

Me: I was trying to think of a single, well-known person to exemplify here, but I realized I don't really know celebrities. I can think that Adam Sandler is a righteous dude, but I don't know for sure because I've never helped him help an old lady across the street. So I thought of the people nearer to me, and who nearer to me than me? I have always been underappreciated, and this is no joke. A lot of my friends are the kind of people who say nice shit to each other, who actively appreciate. But I'm the happy one. The funny one. The confidant one. And so it's like I don't need the praise, the attention, the time. It's a strange backlash to functioning positively that I don't receive much positivity in return. Also, because I'm honest and open and it encourages that, people will say horrible shit about me to my face, like it's totally cool, and not even notice they've just been horrible. There's not a lot worse than being misunderstood, but being misunderstood and insulted, and then being expected to smile about it, is some bullshit. Even if they're right about me, it's not cool to surprise someone with a thing you think sucks about them. "Nice hat. Everyone knows your head always looks like shit and you're too stubborn to cover it. I'm making grilled cheese if you want one. Why are you crying?"

Short Answer: I don't need your fucking sympathy! Oh, you weren't feeling sympathetic toward me? Point made!

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