I tried to make this work from a few different angles, but eventually I had to give up and admit this was in no way a euphemism about masturbation.
So here comes a way shittier answer.
Every five minutes.
That's a lie. I'm not all that into checking up on things like that. I'm not very good at promoting myself, as it makes me feel like I just murdered a pet. Any traffic I've ever gotten on-blog is organic, save for a few publications that have included this site for lack of having a proper website.
But now I have a proper website! Or at least, almost, I do. That was another thing I wasn't very good at. It's just for the author side of me, but it's a step in the direction of learning how to 'get myself out there' more. People keep telling me that it's important to get yourself out there. I keep trying to finagle that into a euphemism for masturbation.
Short Answer: I'd say about once every three or four months. Disappointed? Thought I was a hefty-bag-sized egomaniac? Ha! Fuck you!