Thursday, June 30, 2016

Question: If you only had 3 pies to eat, how would you go about doing it?

This question makes two very strange assumptions. 

One, that I usually have 4+ pies to eat, and two, that I might have a particular and established way of eating fewer pies that would seem interesting to others.

Wait, is this a fat joke? I did pull my groin a few months back, and I have put on a few pounds since. Like anyone, I assumed it had mostly gone to my dong, but now I'm starting to wonder.

If this is serious, I'm about to disappoint you. I love pies, but I've never been surrounded by them, nor have I ever felt the need to consume a piece of pie in an unorthodox manner.

Short Answer: Now I'm starting to wonder what I don't know about the wider, pie-eating world. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Question: How often do you Google yourself?

I tried to make this work from a few different angles, but eventually I had to give up and admit this was in no way a euphemism about masturbation.

So here comes a way shittier answer.

Every five minutes.

That's a lie. I'm not all that into checking up on things like that. I'm not very good at promoting myself, as it makes me feel like I just murdered a pet. Any traffic I've ever gotten on-blog is organic, save for a few publications that have included this site for lack of having a proper website.

But now I have a proper website! Or at least, almost, I do. That was another thing I wasn't very good at. It's just for the author side of me, but it's a step in the direction of learning how to 'get myself out there' more. People keep telling me that it's important to get yourself out there. I keep trying to finagle that into a euphemism for masturbation.

Short Answer: I'd say about once every three or four months. Disappointed? Thought I was a hefty-bag-sized egomaniac? Ha! Fuck you!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Question: What's the greatest thing you've ever done in pants?

Interesting question. I'm sure at some point I've made sweet, sweet, swivel-hipped, jazz-infused, pizza-fueled, dong-vag conjoindery with my pants still around my hairy, sweaty ankles. That's gotta be up there, but I guess I'm barely 'in' pants in that scenario.

I've had some pretty impressive athletic accomplishments over the years, but I'm pretty sure they were all in short-shorts.

Geez. This is tough. I've written books. That would be impressive to most, I guess, but I'm rarely wearing anything while I'm writing let alone pants. In fact, if I have to wear pants at all, as soon as I come home I take them off.

The hardest part here is just figuring out what the greatest things I've ever done have been. I'm sure if I could come up with a few, some of them had to be in public during the winter.

I've got it. I ejaculated in my pants on a few occasions. Once, in particular, while I was with a girl and I was touching her boobs. She was completely naked, and I was still fully clothed. And then I pearled my khakis. It was great!

Short Answer: I was wearing jeans, but 'cream your jeans' is overused, and 'nut your slacks' didn't quite have the right feel. Though one time I did spooge my cords...

Monday, June 27, 2016

Question: Top Five things to do with your mom that sound dirty?

My wife asked me this question. Yes. My wife. She's abnormal. Surprised?

She also fed me a couple to get me started. "Cleaning the garage," was the funny one.

Here's the thing. I don't think this is a particularly funny premise. Don't get me wrong; this is like my go to joke, taking something someone says and framing it in a dirty way. It's just that I don't get the mom part. Any one of these jokes is funny because it sounds dirty in a sex-way, but to get mom specific? You could clean the garage out with anyone, or on your own, even.

But I'll take the challenge and try to come up with at least one that's particularly mom specific.

Suck on her tit for sustenance.

Mission accomplished.

Short Answer: Moms don't really do anything that Dads, or other family or friends don't also do. Tits for free is the only one.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Question: How's the Euro going!

Your capitalization makes me think we're talking soccer. So...

It's eating up my entire life.

Today's the last day of 4-and-a-half hours of soccer a day, and I'm glad. You try adding an extra 4 hours to your day, see what gets sacrificed. For example, I haven't pooped since the eleventh of June.

If this question isn't about soccer, maybe learn about caps.

Short Answers: Not caps from soccer matches, I mean...dammit. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

Question: I know you sometimes write a poem on here. What would you do if someone asked you to write two poems!

I guess I'd write two poems.

Short Answer: Was going to say something snarky here and end it, but for some reason, I felt bad doing that today. I think the time I've spent on the radio recently is making me soft. Fuckers.

Simple Things

I write poetry at night
Uninterrupted by the swallow's song
or the dance of oppressive light
The pale glow and the shadow's scuffing along
that's wherein lies my tired muse
Past crickets, and in step with scurrying vermin
Before the ruination of holy, clouded perception
I tackle all the simple things

An Interrupted Walk

Bedecked by ancient farce
we pass the colonnades with
guises of desperation
expression soured again, again by stoicism
sturdy-blind and stalled in jest

Short Answer #2: Fuckers.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Question: What's Donald Trump's worst nightmare?

Mexicans that can jump really high?
A sharp decline in the quality or availability of crazy glue so that he's never sure if his baboon merkin will stay attached to his head?
The electorate employing an ounce of common sense, self-awareness, awareness of history, awareness of politics, awareness of decisions based solely on fear and hatred or the ability to accurately identify a narcissistic douche bag?
Glove shopping?
Being near women who aren't models that have been paid to keep their mouth shut?
A strong, confident person that doesn't act like a petulant child?
That the Apprentice: Presidential Edition won't be huge?
Non-Sterlet caviar?
Having to shower around other guys?
Being forced to have an intelligent conversation with anyone without resorting to bullying, name-calling, or suing them?

Short Answer: That's enough Trump. Forever.

'Trump Forever, the new cologne endorsed by Donald Trump.'
"It smells like a donkey took a wet crap after being given the scraps at a haggis festival. It's the most luxurious, most donkey-flavored, best cologne in the world."

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Question: I saw "Hobo Porn" in my spouse's browser history. WTF?

Don't worry. It's not what you think.

You know what a bindle is? It's the stick they carry, with a handkerchief tied on the end to carry their meager belongings.

Hobo Porn is just two vagrants - or bindlestiffs - approaching each other from opposite directions on a lonely train track. Then they remove their bindles from their shoulders and cross them, letting them rub against each other like in that light sabre fight between Obi-Wan and Vader in the first Star Wars movie. They slowly get closer and closer until instinctively knowing it's time to reach out simultaneously to cup and fondle the other man's handkerchief bundle. The money shot is them sitting down to a nice picnic.

Short Answer: Your spouse was just curious, dude. Maybe if you told her she was pretty once in a while, she wouldn't have to resort to such intense levels of niche camaraderie.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Question: Dude! I heard you on the radio!

Yea. My friend Jeff just got a new show, so I'm trying out some shit on there. It's a little different, due to all the 'don't say cunt' type rules, but I'm getting the hang of it. We're still experimenting, so who knows what the final product will be.

By the way, 'dude I heard you on the radio' isn't a question, so go fuck yourself. Also, check out the show! It's called Now We're Talking and it's on CiTR 101.9 at 6:00 pm Sundays. You can also stream or download it from the CiTR site after it airs, as well as the other shows we've done.

Short Answer: Let me know what you think. It's a new endeavor, and feedback - for a change - is welcome. Unless it's something like, 'Stuff it, you piece of crap!' We all know I'm a piece of crap, no need to be rude about it.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Question: How would you battle rap?

Slick suit, those glasses that look like open blinders, and a megaphone.

Why you steppin' to me in those old brown shoes?
You want to up me, better start with your do
You want to front me, best back out of the room
Only safe play is get back in the womb

You wanna get one over
Need a four-leaf clover
Just to pay that cover
Be a back-door lover

If you're thinking' 'what's that smell?'
It's fresh baked muffin
You want in on that?
It's your mom you'll be stuffin.

By the way, your dad likes to watch.
He complimented me on the size of my cock.
He even emphasized it with a raised eyebrow
Before he offered up to me his left eye brown.

So let's put an end to this hippity-hoppin'
I got balls left to kick, and panties to be droppin
I'm the Humpty Dance, so do me baby
You can't do you, you done proved that lately.

Short Answer: Then mic drop, mic punt, titty twister and roll out.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Question: 10 Best First Dance Wedding Songs?

Going to go traditional ballad on this, not the new wave thing where people do a choreographed dance number to some shitty pop song that they'll unlike in a year and a half. (Luckily most marriages don't last that long! Kabllooooom!)

(I started this list off the top of my head and came up with thirteen right away. Then I made the mistake of going online and looking for others. Now it's turned into something far larger and much more comprehensive.)

The 50 Greatest Wedding First Dance Songs

50) Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
49) When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge
48) More Than Words Can Say by Alias
47) Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney
46) Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
45) Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel
44) Count on Me by Bruno Mars
43) You're My Best Friend by Queen
42) Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton
41) Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis (or Corey Hart)
40) Don't Know Much by Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt
39) Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead
38) Something by The Beatles
37) True After Time by Cyndi Lauper
36) Somebody by Depeche Mode
35) Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
34) Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
33) I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
32) First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
31) In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel
30) Turn My Head by Live
29) Fall at Your Feet by Crowded House
28) Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones
27) 1234 by Feist
26) Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison

Now shit gets serious:

25) Patience by Guns 'n' Roses
24) I Will Give You Everything by Skydiggers
23) Grow Old With You by Adam Sandler
22) More Than Words by Extreme
21) At Last by Etta James
20) Sharing the Night Together by Dr. Hook
19) Sea of Love by Phil Phillips (or the Honeydrippers)
18) Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh
17) Babe by Styx
16) Lovesong by The Cure
15) I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos
14) Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies
13) Try by Blue Rodeo
12) Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
11) Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan
10) The Grace by Neverending White Lights
9) Your Song by Elton John
8) One by U2
7) Take My Breath Away by Berlin
6) I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders
5) Never Tear Us Apart by INXS
4) Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers
3) Heaven by Bryan Adams
2) Glory of Love by Peter Cetera
1) Faithfully by Journey

Short Answer: What this short answer is definitely not about is how much I cried while compiling this list, so...there.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Question: Who do the voodoo that you do?

Though I know this is a Salt and/or Peppa lyric, and therefore supposed to be in good fun, I am unwilling to take voodoo lightly. In fact, it scares the shit out of me.

As a science-y person, I'm not expected to put any weight into religious ideas. But a fucking voodoo doll is a scary-ass concept. And all the sacrificing and bloodletting and dancing and frightening costumes and - lest we forget - actual zombies? Fuck that noise. I don't want it anywhere near me.

Man, think of all the things you could do to a voodoo doll. Pin in the lower back is one thing, but you could dip that bugger into a pile of bullet ants, or blow second hand smoke in its face to give someone cancer, or play a game of battery acid to the front butt. If you're nasty and creative, there's no bloody limit.

Plus, there's the horror of never knowing. Go to all the doctors you want. They won't have a clue. And you'll never suspect the truth. 

Short Answer: Further reading: The Serpent and the Rainbow. Also, if I offended any evil priests with my stereotypes, I'm super fucking sorry. 

Friday, June 17, 2016

Question: What's up with your face?

Let me guess. Your wife's panties keep spontaneously combusting when she sees that pic of me in the bathtub.

I understand the jealousy, I do, but we can't all look like glistening demigods all the time. 

Try investing in fire-retardant underwear, or find an uglier blogger. Shouldn't be hard. 

Short Answer: You could also allow your significant other to 'tub' it out of her system, by which I mean have sex with me. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Question: What are some funny things about car wrecks?

Oh, boy. Here come the letters from the bazillion people who've lost people in car wrecks.

Only, no one sends letters anymore, and everyone complains about everything, so complaints about any particular thing are useless because we've all learned to let any words we read fall on deaf ears.

Oh, boy. Here come the letters from all the people who have deaf ears.

I guess the only funny thing about a car wreck is when one of the cars ends up on its roof. It's just so silly to see a car upside down! (Even if there are brains leaking out of the passenger side.)

Why did the brain matter cross the road?

Because it had been expelled from the skull at great speed due to the impact of the horrible collision.

Oh, boy. Here come the illegible letters from all the people who've suffered brain damage.

Hey, I get that some people like their humour the way they like their black women: dark with an embarrassingly large amount of ass, but some things are less funny than others, whether they're dark, or tragic, or taboo or not. There just isn't that much that's funny about a car wreck...

Unless of course it's a clown car!

Short Answer"I saw the red patch on the side of the road. I wasn't sure if it was a pool of blood or not. Turns out it wasn't; it was just a big, wide shoe. A clown shoe. I was relieved until I saw there was a foot in it!"

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Question: Do you have any kids?

Funny. Here's a joke I came up with as I was slowly waking up this morning. Credit to my subconscious. 

I'm married to R.Kelly. We're in the car, ready to go on a family vacation in our wood-panneled station wagon.

"Where are the kids?" I ask.
"Still upstairs," says R.Kelly. "They don't want to come. They've locked themselves in the closet."
"Can't you just do that thing you do?"
"You want me to pee on the kids?"
"No! I mean take out your gun and wave it around."
"I don't have a gun."
"Oh. Well, do you have to pee?"

Short Answer: I don't have kids. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Question: Is there any woman so perfect she can inspire you to never masturbate again?

I'm not sure you understand how inspiration works.

Why would anyone ever be inspired not to masturbate? Inspiration makes you want to do things. "I'm so inspired right now, I think I'll sit on my ass and do nothing," said no one ever.

Look, maybe you're wrestling with the wrong tiger. I get what you're saying. Like, a person could inspire another person to quit smoking. But you're talking about orgasms, here. Healthy, tasteful, sexy orgasms. Why the fuck would I want to stop that? What sort of inspiration could a person give me to make me choose to be less happy? There's no such thing as a level so perfect that I'd decide to do less fun things. Even if this perfect woman said something like, "You can't masturbate, or I won't have sex with you." I'd ask, "Were you going to have sex with me anytime I wanted while you let me look over your shoulder at the ten hottest pairs of boobs on the internet?"

And let's be clear about something else. The perfect woman wouldn't try to stop their man from masturbating, so your question is flawed from the start. In fact, if you're with a woman and she thinks masturbation is weird or gross or against God's will, you should write a big sign in permanent marker, that reads 'God's Will', put it on the couch next to her, and jack off all over it.

Short Answer: Asking someone to change their habits because they don't align with your precious sensibilities is a far cry from perfection. About as far as a lazy, arcing rope of fresh, squeaky jism, from wang-tip to landing area.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Question: Can you define the term 'first world problem?'

Today I was annoyed with the lady at Safeway because she cut my prosciutto too thick.
Seriously. How do you work in the deli and not know that prosciutto has to be sliced thin?

Short Answer: Life is hard.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Question: How do you feel about all this snow?


I'm going to assume that you know that I don't live where you do. Let me explain.

People live in lots of different places. Some of those places don't have snow in fucking June. I live in one of the places with no fucking snow.

Sometimes I rely on swearing for emphasis, and I like it. I like the fuck out of it.

Anyfuck, shut up about your stupid snow. It's warm as balls here. I wish I had some damn snow. I'd rub it on my hot, sweaty nutsack and moan with pleasure like Roseanne at the buffet.

Short Answer: Is Roseanne too dated a reference for millennials? If so, who's the millennial Roseanne Barr? Everyone who gets famous these days loses weight as soon as they can afford a personal trainer, which makes it hard to find a true fatty. Be proud, fatties! It takes all kinds, not just weird, pseudo-thin freaks. Is Jonah Hill the new Roseanne? He looked super weird when he lost that weight. Not at first, but on the way back up. Somewhere in between seems to be the way to go. I think he's all right now. Seth Rogen too. Seth Rogen skinny was strange. Is he Roseanne Barr? Have I really dedicated this entire short answer to Roseanne Barr? I'm fucking tired.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Question: Right-handed or left-handed?

Hockey: Right
Baseball: Both
Golf: Left
Writing: Right
Self-Aggrandisement: Left
Alternate Self-Aggrandisement: Right Backstroke
Helping Out A Friend: Both
Fork: Left
Knife: Right
Sword: Both
Gun: Neither
Typing a Political Statement: Both
Typing Sweaterdresses: Left
Compliments: Back-handed
Fake shot, deke, roof: Back-handed
Keeping My Bitch In Line: Asking nicely

Short Answer: To help out a friend, I need both hands so I can work the balls. Don't assume it's because of their length. Not all my male friends have huge penises like I do, guys. Geez!

Friday, June 10, 2016

Question: Gordie Howe?

You don't get to be called Mr. Something in this world for no good reason.

I was once called, 'Mr. Sneaks Into the Women's Toilet to Poop' but it took me years and dozens of trips to that P.F. Chang's to earn it.

Mr. Hockey is a grandiose title, far more impressive than being acknowledge for wanting to deuce in the cleaner of two filthy options. By all accounts, he earned it.

Here are some Gordie Howe facts to commemorate his passing:

He played on a line with his two sons at one point in his career.
He was a professional for 32 years, playing into his fifties, the only player to compete in the NHL in five different decades.
Four cups, six Harts, six Art Ross wins.
He only ever recorded two 'Gordie Howe Hat Tricks' which is a goal, an assist and a fight.
Top five in league scoring for 20 straight years.
A 23 time all-star.
Scored at least 20 goals in 22 consecutive seasons.

Short Answer: Here's to Mr. Hockey, and to hoping his final trip to the penalty box was well-earned. Not just one of those weak calls 'cause some kid can't take a punch in the chops.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Question: Could you make up some funny porno titles?

Took this on about a year ago:

That's pretty thorough, but I'll definitely have another go.

Too Fat, Too Furry Ass
Now You Pee on Me
Now You Pee on Me 2: The Deuce up my Pussy Sleeve
Me Before You, Then Me Again in the Asshole
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtleheads
The Cocksman: Winter's Whore
Mad Cax: Furry Road to My Slit
Inside Out: Gross Pussies 7
Spotlight On Your Fruit Roll-Up
Ex Machinass
Ridge of Thighs
Anus Krampus
The Big Short Dick
The Good Dinosaur Who Takes it in All Holes
Trainwreck: Gross Pussies 9
Red Splash Olympics: Crimson Peek
Steve Blow Jobs

Let's try some classics:

It's a Wonderful Queef
Some Like it on Their Upper Lip
Bend-Hur Over
Dr. Strange Balls
The Third Man Fills Me Out Like an Application
Abbot and Costello Meet Each Other's Cocks
Reared Window
The Day the Earth Stood Still and Dropped its Panties
Double Indemnity, Triple Penetration
On the Waterfront, On the Pissback
Chinatown 2: Forget it, Jake. She Only Wants to be Fingerblasted
His Girl Friday, His Boy Saturday, His Mule Tuesday
How Peened was my Valley

Some non-movie ones:

Honor Among Beaves
Hello Black Man in My End
How To Succeed in Ass-Business Without Ever Crying
The Adventures of Huckleberry in Your Mouth
Moby Thick Dick
The Dick-Pics of Whorey and Gay

Short Answer: That last one was enough of a stretch that I think I should stop.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Question: I often feel underappreciated. What are some things that you think are underappreciated?

First off, I agree that you are underappreciated. Just the fact that you're participating in my blog means you should be forced to fend off the excessive adoration of your peers on a regular basis.

The oddness of the cucumber: I've spoken at length about my despise for this weird, green phallus masquerading as foodstuffs before. So instead, I'd just like to focus on the weirdness of the thing. Like it all you want, but please acknowledge that it's a wet, seedy monstrosity sent from hell to dampen your soul.

Hall and Oates: I'll bet your ass you like music by a band that loves Hall and Oates, that grew up on them and were influenced by them. So get to work appreciating them.

How wide an anus can stretch/sphincters in general: Seriously. Without things that let things in but don't let things out, we'd be hooped.

Aquaman: Again, I've already spoken enough in my lifetime about Aquaman. Every time you make fun of him, you're just jumping on a trend, without having any idea what you're talking about. It became cool to make fun of him, but it doesn't change that his character makes Superman look like a basic bitch, and ya'll seem to accept that nard ball. Aquaman's a king, goddamn it! A king!

Inside: A L'Interieur, the French horror film, is one of my favorites of all time. Though it is appreciated, I deem it under-ly so. I think it deserves more.

Sexual content in film: Whenever a woman climbs out of bed and takes the covers with her, or someone shifts awkwardly to make sure their dong doesn't show in the shot, I'm taken out of your fucking story, morons. Nudity happens in real life. It's not that people are jacking off to every fucking love scene, it's that we want to be immersed in your art, taken away by the story, not reminded that we're watching one.

Poetry: You know how many times I've heard people say that poetry isn't their thing? Sometimes, that's true. People have read poems and gotten no joy, deciding it's not their bag. But for all the people who've never given the medium a chance, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Humans have been writing poetry since before creationists existed, so there's probably something out there for you, or at least something worth exploring. I'm tired of people treating poetry like opera, or other dying/dead arts. Our ability to communicate feelings through words is the heart of our humanity, you asses. (You should probably check out opera, too.)

Comedians who talk about shit that 'offends' people: Yes, (-insert your particular brand of being offended here-) is no joke, but joking about it is important. Joking about horrible shit helps us talk about horrible shit. It helps us process the complex emotions and start dialogues. Acts of blatant communication help us heal and stand side-by-side against true perpetrators of atrocity. And laughter is the best medicine, someone said once I think.

Me: I was trying to think of a single, well-known person to exemplify here, but I realized I don't really know celebrities. I can think that Adam Sandler is a righteous dude, but I don't know for sure because I've never helped him help an old lady across the street. So I thought of the people nearer to me, and who nearer to me than me? I have always been underappreciated, and this is no joke. A lot of my friends are the kind of people who say nice shit to each other, who actively appreciate. But I'm the happy one. The funny one. The confidant one. And so it's like I don't need the praise, the attention, the time. It's a strange backlash to functioning positively that I don't receive much positivity in return. Also, because I'm honest and open and it encourages that, people will say horrible shit about me to my face, like it's totally cool, and not even notice they've just been horrible. There's not a lot worse than being misunderstood, but being misunderstood and insulted, and then being expected to smile about it, is some bullshit. Even if they're right about me, it's not cool to surprise someone with a thing you think sucks about them. "Nice hat. Everyone knows your head always looks like shit and you're too stubborn to cover it. I'm making grilled cheese if you want one. Why are you crying?"

Short Answer: I don't need your fucking sympathy! Oh, you weren't feeling sympathetic toward me? Point made!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Question: I think about penises a lot. Is that cool?

I've talked about this before:

There's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about penises a lot, unless you're thinking of them in relation to a particularly active verb. Like, crush, or stomp, or insert, or split down the middle, or remove.

If it's just a thing that pops into your mouth...err, mind, and it makes you happy, then don't worry too much about it. If it pops into your mouth...err, mind when someone says, 'pastor' or something, you might want to dig a little deeper. Just imagine you're a penis at the opening of a butt.

Short Answer: When I'm rich, I'm going to create a museum. And it's going to be called the Butt. And then I can have a grand opening at the Butt.

Note: The idea of referring to anal sex as 'digging in a butt' made me laugh when I read over this answer.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Question: Do you like dance music?

You mean, like, 2 Unlimited?

I think I can safely say no. I've never been the kind of person who jumps up at the club because my jam comes on. I only jump up at the anywhere to rush to the bathroom for diarrhea.

(Did you know that if you Google diarrhea, the second thing that comes up is 'diarrhea songs'?)

There are undoubtedly some great songs that have been written over the years that would be considered dance songs, but music solely for the purpose of dancing is not for me. I like listening to music, not jiggling to it. If I need to do something with reckless abandon to feel free, I'll take my time getting to the bathroom and see where the diarrhea takes me.

Short Answer: I've never been the kind of person to react to a beat. A groove, maybe, but not a beat.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Question: Word superlatives, please.

I didn't think there were any new kinds of questions, but today I was asking about fifteen questions in one. All of the italicized 'categories' that I will show in the following post were specifically asked of me. I almost answered this whole thing with 'go fuck yourself' because I'm not a trained ape.

But I kinda am a trained ape, so here goes.

Most overused word: actually
Most underused word: festooned
Dumbest sounding word: belch
Most pleasant sounding word: Belarussian
Most confusing word: nonplussed
Most annoying word: potential
Word most likely to make you giggle like a child: pinochle
Word most likely to make you snicker like an adult: reared
Most visually appealing word: lively
Least visually appealing word: bonk
Word most likely to live with their parents until their 38: erudite
Word most likely to be voted prom king: blowjob 
Word most likely to be voted prom queen: handjob
Favourite word: precedent

Short Answer: This was fun. Maybe you should try it.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Question: Why wear a dress to a funeral?


Let's get the obvious out of the way. If this is a lady you're referring to, I can't see how it would be weird. "Funerals are for pant suits!" you cry while no one listens.

So I'm guessing you're commenting on a dude wearing a dress to a funeral. People can mourn how they want to, ass!

No, wait, maybe it is about a chick. Maybe if a man wore a dress to a funeral, you'd correctly assume that he was bonkers. Then bonkers would be the answer to your questions.

Perhaps we need to examine the dress as an article of clothing. The top's just like a blouse or a shirt, so we can deem that common fare and move on. It's the bottom of a dress where things get tricky. Technically, your undercarriage is open to the winds of the world. That's what makes a dress a dress, that wind-fingers can get up in there. I guess this would only be inappropriate at a funeral if the wind was so strong that it kept exposing a lady's personal bits. But then, wouldn't the question have been 'Why wear a dress to a windy funeral?'

I think I just got it! It's supposed to be a joke, right? You wear a dress to a funeral because you want to look your casket!

Short Answer: This wasn't about exposed panties at all! It was about the vast void of nothingness from the very beginning.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Question: How can I tell if someone likes me in a customer service kind of way versus being really into me?

Percentages really help in this particular case.

If someone is in a customer service role and are acting like they're into you, there's a 97% chance that they aren't.

Best way to see if you're in the 3% is to ask them. When you see the instantaneous drop of the façade, and the onset of a creeping, rising, chin-to-forehead expression of sheer disgust, quickly replaced by awkward mouth and sad eyes, you'll know you done fucked up.

Normally I'm all about boldness, but it might be a good rule of bum to keep your mind out of the gutter when dealing with customer service people. Besides the very good chance that you'll end up feeling like a twat, customer service people have had to develop a particular set of skills to handle their jobs. Those skills veer fairly close to corruption of the soul and evil incarnate. You don't need that. You might get banged, but you also might have to lie in bed hearing about a customer service day in hell.

Short Answer: People are awful the way that water is awful. In small doses, good. Too much and you drown and die.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Question: Can you rank beans on a delicious tasting scale?

I think a lot of people will go straight to the garbanzo bean, here, because of hummus. But that's not the question, assholes!

The best fucking bean is the fucking black bean. Mexican's know their goddamn beans, and they use the shit out of this one. This is also why pinto beans are number two. Because of how awesome Mexicans are at food.

Three, haricot vert, or the green bean. Treat that shit properly and you've got a tasty fucking treat. Sautéed, butter, maybe even a little garlic or shallot or white wine if you're nasty.

Now the chick pea. Hummus is the tits, but a garbanzo bean on it's own is pretty good, too.

Kidney beans. Not because they go in chili (and you'd be better off using a black bean, anyway), but because they have great color and pleasant texture. Wait. I lost focus. This is about taste. Kidney beans taste okay.

Next, wax beans. Yellow. Again, good texture, okay flavor.

Coffee beans aren't really beans, so shut up.

Oh, shit! Is chocolate a bean? It is. Dammit. That has to be number one, right? Even though people do a lot of shit to it to make it yummy, it's still incredibly flavorful in its natural state. To second the emotion, Mexicans use that shit a bunch!

Short Answer: Let's organise this fucking list:

1) Cacao bean
2) Black bean
3) Pinto bean
4) Green bean
5) Garbanzo bean
6) Wax/Yellow bean
7) Black-eyed pea
8) Fergie's solo career.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Question: Can I trust someone with a bog eye?

Pool haller.
Melon baller.
Face mauler.
Garbage hauler.
Cask of Amontillado waller.
Dance haller.
Bathroom staller.
Back alley brawler.
Bear paller.
On the air caller.
and even though it doesn't rhyme:
Poon holer.

This has nothing to do with your question. It was what was in my head this morning when I woke up. Yes, a series of rhymes that ended with the until now non-existent term, poon holer. It might actually be one word. Poonholer. It's someone who holes poons. Like sex.

Bog eye, eh? Yea, you can trust them. There's a good chance that they're not deceptive, that's it's just their eyes. People have probably assumed them deceptive their entire lives, so it's likely they've developed the desire to be seen as trustworthy. I'd rather trust them then someone lookin' straight at me. Who the fuck does that?

Short Answer: You know how versatile bingo is? You can have a bingo caller, a bingo haller, and a bingo parlour! Learning! Fuuuuuucckckkckckkck!