Sunday, May 29, 2016

Question: Sunday freeday.

I have a few questions.

Why is everyone so fragile? I find that I can't be as honest as I want to be with the people around me for fear they'll break. Why can't we all be stronger and less afraid? Why aren't we all able to speak our minds, be ourselves, without fear that someone will be offended and attempt to hurt us in return?

I want to be myself. I want to be honest, communicate clearly and resolve issues. Instead, I pull back, afraid to hurt someone or inconvenience them. This is becoming more and more prevalent in my life. And when someone does something inappropriate to me, I don't call them on it. I let it happen, which creates a negative pattern, even allowing bad habits to form.

When did I lose my nerve? Have I become so sensitive? How did this happen?

It's like a new world is being formed around me. Where once I was the upfront, honest person who never let resentments form, now I feel myself sliding into the pit of second-guessing, into the dark depths of doubt. At first, I took this upon myself, claiming I was being a bigger man by letting some issues go. But the issues fester. The sensitivity of others is growing like a boil on my flesh. I'm afraid it will break and spread its evil.

I get that we're all afraid. I see that most everyone is so concerned with themselves that they don't see what's going on in other people. I don't know where I rank on the scale, but I often find myself seeing the bad behaviour of others, understanding their motivations, and being disgusted. I see it in myself as well, but when it's my own behaviour I address it. I accept it, I admit it and I try to do better. I'm not sure other people are the same. I know some are. I hope many more are. I'm beginning to get the feeling that most are not.

I've always believed that honesty is the key to happiness. I tried for a long time to set an example of truthfulness in everything I do. I'm finding more and more that not saying what should be said is a form of lying. Holding back truths, be they real or emotional, is a minefield of misinterpretation, a trap that leads to hurt where none need exist.

Practising what I preach has become difficult. I let things slide all the time and bear the emotional brunt. I fear for my relationships because of this. I fear for my own well-being. I feel a desire to avoid the world and all its terrors. I know I can be honest with myself. At least in that relationship, there is no lack of clarity, no ability to misguide.

Short Answer: I think at this point, if I was completely honest with everyone around me, they'd turn to ash and be blown away by the wind of my passing.

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