Monday, April 18, 2016

Question: More! More!

Though this comment on Facebook was probably not intended as a question, I'm going to take it that way for my own devious designs.

Here's more of what I did yesterday, fuckers!

dugout noun. a trench that is roofed as a shelter for troops or a low shelter at the side of a sports field. Or things you shouldn't refer to your wife's box as, am I right? Trench also won't go over well. Or pantry. Or cubby. Or loading dock. Thumbs up.

panel beater noun. a person whose job is to beat out the bodywork of motor vehicles. Thumbs down for this bullshit. You think the mechanic who does this shit calls himself a panel beater? Say that while sitting on a park bench next to a school when a lady asks why you're eating your lunch there because she's afraid you're after the kiddies. "Don't worry, ma'am. Wait 'till you here what I do for a living." You just need to insert the word 'van' in between to watch her perm explode.

spermatogenesis noun. the production or development of mature spermatozoa. Yep. Thumbs up for both this process and the process that led me to randomly find 'sperm-making' in the dictionary. This is real, folks. It's real. And now I have a new thing to call out before finishing in an inappropriate place. I mean, like, the back of the knee, not at Denny's. (I can also Khan sex up a little by calling my wiener the Spermatogenesis Device, then I can yell Khan's name when I ghurt.)

utricle noun. a small cell, sac, or bladder-like protuberance in an animal or plant. Thumbs up for how consistently dirty the dictionary is. My sac-like protuberance is gettin' all sweaty.

agent noun noun. a noun denoting a person or thing that performs the action of a verb. Thumbs down for this disappointing definition. I thought there was going to be a secret agent named Noun who only spoke in nouns, making his job difficult and hilarious. "Plans, fool!" "You want the plans?" Nuclear, me!" "You're nuclear?" "I...hand, helicopter!" "Woah, wooah, woah, you're really - " Bang! ("Agent Noun, did you execute another contact?" "Baskin Robbins! Mint!" "You're eating ice cream right now?" "Fucker! Lake!" Click. "He called me a fucker. Wants me to drown myself in a lake. Oh, Agent Noun, this joke was underwhelming!" Freeze frame.

commodious adj. roomy and comfortable. Thumbs down to this for making me think of whatever the fuck Joaquin Phoenix was doing in Gladiator. He was nominated for an Oscar for that. Even if you get it and think it's good, an Oscar? Thank fuck for Benicio del Toro in Traffic. Fuck, Gladiator won best picture? What the fuck? Other movies that year: Traffic, Almost Famous, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Jesus Christ.

haemocoel noun. the primary body cavity of most invertebrates, containing circulatory fluid. I'm starting to think that it's not the dictionary. Could it be me? Is it that I see 'body cavity' or 'roomy and comfortable' or 'the action of a verb' and I think about pounding holes? C'mon, utricle? This can't just be me. Thumbs up my butt.

latecomer noun. a person who arrives late. This is a fucking conspiracy! I swear on your family that I'm doing this totally and completely randomly. Come on! A person who arrives late? Come on! Thumbs up!

non-Euclidean adj. denoting systems of geometry that do not obey Euclidean postulates, especially that one line through a given point can be parallel to a given line. Fucking! No, but seriously, thumbs down to this for making me feel like a stupid asshole. Oh, they don't obey Euclidean postulates? I see. How interesting!

point break noun. a type of wave characteristic of a coast with a headland. That doesn't sound right. I think it's a movie with Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze and Gary Busey about being super, fuckin' awesome. Thumbs up to the movie, thumbs down to the headland.

Short Answer: Bonus: quisling. a traitor collaborating with an occupying force. Thumbs up for teaching me something awesome in the short answer. Think I'd like to quisle someone. Like maybe...your mom! There's something wrong with me. I dream of testicles, I do. Squishing 'em into places and...

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