Thursday, April 28, 2016

Question: Are you going to participate in World Naked Gardening Day?

I've said it before. Everything is a thing now.

I would absolutely love to participate in World Naked Gardening Day on the first Saturday of May, the 7th, this year. There are a few things holding me back.

1. I don't like to garden. I've probably told you the tragic tail of my two rubber plants, Chemical and Robert. If you don't remember, it goes a little something like this: cute names don't save plants.

2. I don't have a garden. I have a patch of grass with nothing growing on it. I think even the grass is a little lazy.

3. My naked body terrifies others. I'm not convinced that enough people will be participating. It's not like a naked bike ride where there's so many people that the cops are forced to leave it alone. I'm pretty sure if I went out in the 'garden' on that day, someone would see my hog and dial 911.

4. When I get arrested, there will be one other person in holding who also celebrated World Naked Gardening Day. And that person will want to chat. Gross.

5. It would just be using it as an excuse to be naked outside. Who doesn't like the feel of the wind on their ball sack? Half the planet I guess, but you get what I'm saying. My cackling and exposed areas would nearly be a mockery of the day, rather than a celebration. I respect your traditions too much, naked gardeners, to sully them with my selfish wang-shenanigans.

Short Answer: Can you wear gardening gloves? I bet you can't. I bet there's a militant wing of these gardeners who are real purists about the nudity thing.

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