Saturday, April 30, 2016

Question: Do emojis detract from your point?

I think a lot of things that people do during their e-communications detract from their ability to get their ideas across in a clear and accurate manner.

For example, saying something kinda nasty and then writing 'lol'. That don't change shit. That's the same as saying something nasty out loud and then fake-laughing. If you do this in real life and no one's told you yet, you're an asshole. Stop it. And for the rest of you, stop doing it online. Makes you look like a bloody git.

I imagine emojis are fun for people who don't love words or don't like having to think of words, but for me, they are definitely detractors. I love you becomes no more powerful with a happy face that has hearts for eyes, and may in fact lessen the power of those words. Now if you're saying I love you over social media, you probably don't mean it the way one does in person, so perhaps an emotion-lessening emoji is appropriate. You know what's more appropriate? Not telling people you love them over the fucking internet.

I'm not trying to be a buzz kill. Blame the questioner if you must. What I'm saying is that anytime we shorthand our communications we allow doubt to seep into the cracks. We've all had communications where syntax, meaning and intent are misinterpreted, so why make it more likely with a smiley turd or a winky face?

You could counter that as emojis go, smiley turd and winky face possess pretty clear meanings.

Allow me to rebut. "Nice pants!" (winky face) compared to "Nice kids!" (winky face).

Short Answer: "Well-panted kids!" (smiley turd).

Friday, April 29, 2016

Question: Do you feel funny today?

Gonna level with you.

I've been sick for a few days. I don't feel all that funny. I mean, in the sense that I'm naked and ill I'm funny; I look like some fat guy's sweat-stained jogging suit.

Is a jogging suit a thing? What do you call sweatpants and a sweatshirt? Just sweats? That sounds gross. I don't like gross things.

What was the question?

Right. I don't really know how to describe the feelings I have toward this. I often equate energy with funny. If I have a lot of it, my brain is firing quickly and I can make with the jokes. Other times, though, I may feel less energetic, and still totally nail a blog post. I don't think it fluctuates as much as people think. I think if you're smart, you're smart. There are definitely great days and bad days, but for the most part, we all hover around the same level of competency in our practised tasks.

For example: your legs share an armpit. I just came up with that. Sick or no, that's about on par.

Short Answer: I feel funny more than I feel pretty. And that's saying something!

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Question: Are you going to participate in World Naked Gardening Day?

I've said it before. Everything is a thing now.

I would absolutely love to participate in World Naked Gardening Day on the first Saturday of May, the 7th, this year. There are a few things holding me back.

1. I don't like to garden. I've probably told you the tragic tail of my two rubber plants, Chemical and Robert. If you don't remember, it goes a little something like this: cute names don't save plants.

2. I don't have a garden. I have a patch of grass with nothing growing on it. I think even the grass is a little lazy.

3. My naked body terrifies others. I'm not convinced that enough people will be participating. It's not like a naked bike ride where there's so many people that the cops are forced to leave it alone. I'm pretty sure if I went out in the 'garden' on that day, someone would see my hog and dial 911.

4. When I get arrested, there will be one other person in holding who also celebrated World Naked Gardening Day. And that person will want to chat. Gross.

5. It would just be using it as an excuse to be naked outside. Who doesn't like the feel of the wind on their ball sack? Half the planet I guess, but you get what I'm saying. My cackling and exposed areas would nearly be a mockery of the day, rather than a celebration. I respect your traditions too much, naked gardeners, to sully them with my selfish wang-shenanigans.

Short Answer: Can you wear gardening gloves? I bet you can't. I bet there's a militant wing of these gardeners who are real purists about the nudity thing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Question: How high is too high?

Had this exact question in December of 2013.

With April 20th just behind us, this questions makes sense. Never occurred to me than that it was a weird time to ask it. Oh, wait, I guess someone was planning on getting fucked up for New Year's. My bad.

I can add to this answer, now. Too high is when you think the floor is 'thick' so you have to shuffle into the darkened bedroom like a puppet with no inner ears.

Short Answer: Terrifying, midnight imagery courtesy of my asshole wife.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Question: If you only had one ear, would everything be half as loud?

No, no, no.

It works like Daredevil. Because you only have one ear, the other ear becomes super-heary to compensate and you can listen even harder!

Like if you have only one ball, your other ball makes super sperm and you get all the ladies pregnant.

Or if you have only one eye you automatically become a badass pirate.

Or if you only have one foot you get to wear two socks on it.

Short Answer: If you only had one hand, you'd wave so good. Also, high-fives would become tremendous because they're the only five you've got left.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Question: I just read in my Facebook feed that Karl Urban wants to do a Dredd sequel with Netflix maybe. What do you think of that?

Dredd was great.

They should make another one.

Netflix is a good place for that, I suppose.

Is this a trick question or a metaphor or something? I don't get it. Were you expecting me to rant about that movie being crappy? Was this a trap to show that I'm really an idiot? Well I'm not! Everyone knows Dredd was fantastic. So I guess you're the idiot.

Short Answer: You.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Question: Which dwarf are you?

Gonna assume you mean the Seven Dwarfs. If there's another group of famous dwarfs, I'm unaware. Or if this is just a question about all living people with dwarfism, I guess I'm like the one who's tallest?


I'll go ahead and claim that I don't think the Seven Dwarfs have all that much personality. I mean, when your name has to indicate your dominant trait, you can't be all that interesting a person. Like that girl I went to high school with, Lunchtime Fingerblaster.

Shit, I can't remember all the dwarfs. One sec.

(Spends some time thinking about high school lunch hour.)

I'm not Dopey. I don't look like a melted cheese sandwich and I rarely do drugs. I don't have allergies so I'm not Sneezy. I'm not grumpy very often and I'm rarely if ever bashful. I sleep a reasonable amount so I'm not Sleepy. I guess that leaves Happy or Doc.

I am happy. Not joyfully bouncing off the walls, not screeching with delight, not forcing my sunshine down other's throats. That is to say, not outwardly happy enough to have it become my one and only moniker.

But what the fuck is a Doc? Is he just the smart one? Or the pretentious one? Or the one with glasses?

Okay I've done some further research. Apparently Doc mixes up his words. That's like, his personality trait. So...

Happy it is!

Short Answer: Every now and again, when I write this blog, I feel like I'm wasting my life.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Question: What do you believe?

Lower back tats are a bad idea.
You should test macaroni doneness by throwing it at the wall.
Joseph Fiennes should still be an a-lister.
People should stop playing chicken with their butts and things they shouldn't put in their butts.
Iron Man is right.
Dragons, if real, would replace dogs as man's best friend.
Jeff Goldblum would do the best clown routine.
Pineapple does go on pizza. Contrast, bitches!
It's better when a boob or nut pops out, and the person is amazed that it happened rather than embarrassed.
Avarice will be our undoing.
Women who don't wear makeup are the winners.
Tom Hardy should have his own franchise, preferably Super-Hero.
It's hard to pick a favorite guitar solo.
Late night talk shows won't be around forever in the current format.
Comedy makes everything better.
Jewelry is a complete waste of money and resources.
Stem cells for everyone!
We are nearly cyborgs. Can't wait 'till it's official.
Car chases in movies are 87 percent dumb. The really good ones feel like we're still seeing the plot move forward.
Bacon is fucking great. But we don't need to hear about it constantly. We know, assholes.
Whether you're motion sick by then or not, the final scene of The Blair Witch Project is fucking scary.
In Cthulhu.

Short Answer: If a lower back tat is a sweet joke, then it's okay. Like, 'put it here' and an arrow. Nice one, and sound advice.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Question: Top Ten Prince Songs.

Oh shit.

This might be the hardest Top Ten list in music. As you may know, Prince wrote a million fuckin' songs and a list of his ten best is probably the most subjective thing I can imagine. He was so talented, unique and prolific, that one person's list may be far different than another's. What I'm going to do, to try to make this easier for myself, is narrow things down to his more popular work. Though I do encourage any of my readers out there to do a similar, more eclectic list, and share it with the world.

Top Ten Recognizable Prince Songs

10) Nothing Compares 2 U performed by Sinead O'conner, Manic Monday performed by The Bangles, Stand Back performed by Stevie Nicks. - These three songs, among many others were written by Prince for, and/or recorded by, other artists.
9) Little Red Corvette (1983) #6 - This is just classic Prince pop to me, a rung below my favorite of this ilk, Raspberry Beret.
8) Music from Batman (1989) - I'm not just talking Batdance (a #1 single). The music Prince supplied to Tim Burton's film, as much as Danny Elfman's score, is an integral part of the crazy final product.
7) 7 (1993) #7 - This was my introduction to Prince as someone actively becoming interested in music. I'll never forget how different it sounded to me than everything else that was popular at the time.
6) Purple Rain (1984) #2 - Don't need to say much about this.
5) When Doves Cry (1984) #1 Is this Prince's most famous song? I feel like it's impossible to have an opinion about it. It's legendary, and you like it.
4) Let's Go Crazy (1984) #1 - I've realized that I don't have a lot to say about Prince's music in terms of what it sounds like, or how it works. It's obvious what he was. My thoughts automatically go to the pleasure I got from hearing it. Feels like it doesn't need explanation.
3) Raspberry Beret (1985) #2 - My favorite Prince song, almost. I have fond memories of this from when I was very young, and it always makes me happy when I hear it.
2) Kiss (1986) #1 - Though all of his popular songs could be considered 'pop', to me Prince is like a rock god dipped in the blood of dead funk and soul musicians, finished with R&B varnish. Though Kiss is a pop hit, it's so much more to me. It's...singular. Who sings like that? No one.
1) Cream (1991) #1 - I've always felt a little ashamed that this was my favorite Prince song. I'm not that dirty a fucker, I just really like the groove. In my defense, it spent two weeks at the top of the Billboard charts.

Short Answer: "I just really like the groove" might be the best explanation I have for liking the music of Prince. Honorable Mentions: 1999, Alphabet St., I Would Die 4 U, Sign 'o' the Times.

Note: Man, could Prince wail on the guitar.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Question: Can you rewrite the lyrics to happy birthday on this, the day of your vag-rending so that they include a malicious ghost but lose none of the joyous spirit of the song? Blog stylez?

If I ever see you Imma make you write a poem for your friggin' birthday.

I don't know how much inherent joyous spirit there is in this song, but I guess I'll take your question for it. Methinks it's the folks who add the joy.

Happy Birthday to you!
Remember that time you hit an old lady with your car?
She's standing behind you right now with a sneer spread over her putrid, rotting guuuuummmmms...
And she holds your hand at night!

For she's a hate-filled revenger!
For she's a hate-filled revenger!
For she's a hate-filled revenger!
This is the last birthday you'll see.

Short Answer: Happy Birthday, Me!

Note: Don't worry. I buried that bitch deep.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Question: You like questions so much, why don't you ask some questions?


How is your mom feeling after all the butt stuffs?

Yea, I don't need to ask many questions. I was awarded this blog by the high council of knowing all the things. If I needed answers, I probably wouldn't be running an advice column where I accurately answer questions and solve people's problems with textured insight and amazing clarity.

Here's a question. How funny is your blog?

Here's the answer. As funny as it is when I give your mom a hot sack-lunch.

Short Answer: I'll admit, that on occasion, I phone an answer in by insulting your mother. But I swear, bro, she likes that shit.

Note: I don't usually do this, but I was looking through my posts and saw something that made me want to return to yesterday's answer. In my feed, the question 'Gargantuan lilies are beyond the window' read as 'Gargantuan lilies are beyond the wind...' And I saw the poetry in it! You see, if a delicate, beautiful thing is big, and therefore can hold up against the rushing wind - be beyond the damage it could cause - then there's contrast and poetry! It says something about pretty things and how we judge books by their covers and how even the most delicate of us can be 'beyond the wind'. It's also kinda proverby in the sense that it implies a zen-like truth, that what you imagine would damage something, or what could be damaged, can be changed by perspective.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Question: Gargantuan lilies are beyond the window.

Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to take this the only way I can, as an attempt at poetry.

As an attempt at poetry, it is poo.

Gargantuan is a great word, but to use as contrast to a pretty flower is kinda like saying 'supple dump'. Wait, supple dump is actually pretty smooth. Gargantuan lily is like saying humongous nads. No, no, that's pretty good, too. Why are you so bad at poetry? It's fuckin' easy.

I guess the problem is with the image. How can I even picture gargantuan lilies? What's my context, my framework? And if they're beyond a window, how much of them can I really see? If I was small, for example, I'd get a terrible angle looking through a window. Though I suppose I could be a mite on the sill. See, even 'mite on the sill' is badass. I basically crap this stuff.

Taking a lily, a powerful and symbolic flower, and making it large, is not the worst idea as poetic device goes. It could be effective in making the symbol large and increase its importance. It's just that the word gargantuan makes me think of huge spiders, or large nose moles, or the level of appetite required to eat a whole ass.

Short Answer: And 'Beyond the Window' sounds like the secondary title of a bad Lifetime movie. The True Story of Judith Light: Beyond the Window.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Question: More! More!

Though this comment on Facebook was probably not intended as a question, I'm going to take it that way for my own devious designs.

Here's more of what I did yesterday, fuckers!

dugout noun. a trench that is roofed as a shelter for troops or a low shelter at the side of a sports field. Or things you shouldn't refer to your wife's box as, am I right? Trench also won't go over well. Or pantry. Or cubby. Or loading dock. Thumbs up.

panel beater noun. a person whose job is to beat out the bodywork of motor vehicles. Thumbs down for this bullshit. You think the mechanic who does this shit calls himself a panel beater? Say that while sitting on a park bench next to a school when a lady asks why you're eating your lunch there because she's afraid you're after the kiddies. "Don't worry, ma'am. Wait 'till you here what I do for a living." You just need to insert the word 'van' in between to watch her perm explode.

spermatogenesis noun. the production or development of mature spermatozoa. Yep. Thumbs up for both this process and the process that led me to randomly find 'sperm-making' in the dictionary. This is real, folks. It's real. And now I have a new thing to call out before finishing in an inappropriate place. I mean, like, the back of the knee, not at Denny's. (I can also Khan sex up a little by calling my wiener the Spermatogenesis Device, then I can yell Khan's name when I ghurt.)

utricle noun. a small cell, sac, or bladder-like protuberance in an animal or plant. Thumbs up for how consistently dirty the dictionary is. My sac-like protuberance is gettin' all sweaty.

agent noun noun. a noun denoting a person or thing that performs the action of a verb. Thumbs down for this disappointing definition. I thought there was going to be a secret agent named Noun who only spoke in nouns, making his job difficult and hilarious. "Plans, fool!" "You want the plans?" Nuclear, me!" "You're nuclear?" "I...hand, helicopter!" "Woah, wooah, woah, you're really - " Bang! ("Agent Noun, did you execute another contact?" "Baskin Robbins! Mint!" "You're eating ice cream right now?" "Fucker! Lake!" Click. "He called me a fucker. Wants me to drown myself in a lake. Oh, Agent Noun, this joke was underwhelming!" Freeze frame.

commodious adj. roomy and comfortable. Thumbs down to this for making me think of whatever the fuck Joaquin Phoenix was doing in Gladiator. He was nominated for an Oscar for that. Even if you get it and think it's good, an Oscar? Thank fuck for Benicio del Toro in Traffic. Fuck, Gladiator won best picture? What the fuck? Other movies that year: Traffic, Almost Famous, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Jesus Christ.

haemocoel noun. the primary body cavity of most invertebrates, containing circulatory fluid. I'm starting to think that it's not the dictionary. Could it be me? Is it that I see 'body cavity' or 'roomy and comfortable' or 'the action of a verb' and I think about pounding holes? C'mon, utricle? This can't just be me. Thumbs up my butt.

latecomer noun. a person who arrives late. This is a fucking conspiracy! I swear on your family that I'm doing this totally and completely randomly. Come on! A person who arrives late? Come on! Thumbs up!

non-Euclidean adj. denoting systems of geometry that do not obey Euclidean postulates, especially that one line through a given point can be parallel to a given line. Fucking! No, but seriously, thumbs down to this for making me feel like a stupid asshole. Oh, they don't obey Euclidean postulates? I see. How interesting!

point break noun. a type of wave characteristic of a coast with a headland. That doesn't sound right. I think it's a movie with Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze and Gary Busey about being super, fuckin' awesome. Thumbs up to the movie, thumbs down to the headland.

Short Answer: Bonus: quisling. a traitor collaborating with an occupying force. Thumbs up for teaching me something awesome in the short answer. Think I'd like to quisle someone. Like maybe...your mom! There's something wrong with me. I dream of testicles, I do. Squishing 'em into places and...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Question: I want you to randomly flip through a dictionary and give us a thumbs up or thumbs down for ten different words. (?)

That's very specific. I feel like maybe in your free time you step on the testicles of sad, old businessmen.

AWACS abbrev. airborne warning and control system. I guess this is a thumbs up. Who doesn't like being warned about death from above? Plus, it has 'wacs' in it, which makes me think of both whacking off and waxing something, either poetic or sex style.

inoculum noun. a substance used for inoculation. Big thumbs up to inoculation. Diseases do absolutely horrible shit to the human body. I cry if I get a headache.

Panchen Lama noun. a Tibetan lama ranking next after the Dalai Lama. Thumbs up for this guy, who I assume has to be a total fucking asshole to keep the balance in the universe. Just sneering and stepping on robes all day. He probably also has a full head of hair, like, he plays in a metal band hair, and totally calls everyone baldy.

roll cage noun. a framework of reinforcements protecting a car's passenger cabin. Thumbs up for rolling your car and climbing out, hands held high in celebration of death's defeat.

validate noun. check or prove the validity. Thumbs up for being able to find out if something is made of snotty tissue rather than space-aged metals, or knowing that the guy who came to plumb your sink isn't really there to plumb the depths of your unwilling anus.

salmon noun. a fish that originates in the sea and finds fresh water to spawn. Thumbs up for salmon. They taste great and they look like Rainbow Brite took a gnarly shit on a cedar plank. Also, that white stuff that comes out when you cook it - fat, I guess - looks like pearly balls of cum.

namely adv. that is to say. Big thumbs up for this shit, namely, an answer as interesting and thorough as this one. Pretty sure I used this right. Pretty sure a lot of people don't. That separates the wizards from the dullards, which is good.

initiative noun. the ability to start something or a fresh strategy intended to resolve or improve. Thumbs up to having initiative and getting off your sorry ass to accomplish something and feel decent about yourself. Who doesn't want to improve shit?

ex ante adj & adv. based on forecasts rather than actual incidents. Thumbs up to whatever the fuck this is. Who doesn't like a little fore-knowledge of events to come? Makes it easier to prepare your balls for the possible licking. (This is apt because if you found out from precedent that you had absolutely no chance of getting your balls licked, you'd be a sadder person.)

chamber organ noun. a movable pipe organ for playing a small venue. Thumbs the fuck up! Who doesn't want an organ on the move, an organ to go, an organ that has versatility in terms of placement? Who's that retarded? Chapel? Organ! High School gym? Organ! Inside your vagina? Fucking organ!

Short Answer: Used the concise Oxford for most definitions, though I did edit for directness and length. Funny to have the balls to edit the dictionary for no reason other than that you think you can do better.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Question: What does a carrot think?

The only reason I'm answering this question right now is because I'm far too tired to be answering a question right now.

This ones seems perfect.

It probably thinks that you shouldn't be putting it in your asshole. Just in your salads. Your tossed ones. Confused? Stop putting food in the non-mouth holes you fuckin' heathen.

Carrots don't think. If they did, it'd probably just be the word 'orange' from the moment they're born until the moment they die. Just one big long oooooooooooorrrorrrrrrrrorrrrraaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnge and then fucking chomp. Brain dead carrot.

Carrots are good for your eyesight, unless you poke yourself in the eye with the pointy bit. That could really fuck you up. Carrots can be sharp. Not, like, brain sharp. They can't do a Sudoku or anything. At least not the hard ones.


You know what Carrot Top thinks? 'I could use a few more muscles on top of these existing muscles. That will make me less of a laughing stock in the world of comedy. I turn puns into sight gags. Being ripped cures that!'

You ever seen that movie Shoot 'Em Up with Clive Owen? It's the one where he eats lots of carrots and fucking kills a million dudes. That movie is easy on the eyes. Monica Bellucci is in it as a prostitute who lactates. Nice. Paul Giamatti is in it too, and he makes everything good. He's like the opposite of Carrot Top.

Sorry Carrot Top. I'm sure you're a nice guy. Remember when you were on that episode of Gene Simmons' horrible fucking fake reality show? Yea. Me too. Was that your best work ever? Fuck me.

Fatigue has made me unable to figure out how to get out of this nightmare of an answer. What do I normally do? Do I make sense? Do I work smoothly toward the short answer with skill and dignity? Or do I just abort in the middle of a

Short Answer: Fuck this and fuck you. Sleep is for the fucking oompa-loompas and their never-ending string of shit-filled, trousers. Oooooorrrroaaaaaaannnnnnnge!

Note: Oompa-loompa doopity bucket. I made a brain hole, watch while I fuck it.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Question: What are the Top Ten songs that start with the letter 'K'?

Because my name is Keith!

Sure. Though, as per usual with songs and movies, I'm going for twenty-five, barely answering your question properly yet again!

Top Twenty-Five Songs Starting With the Letter K

25) Kentucky Woman - Neil Diamond (or Deep Purple)
24) Kokomo - The Beach Boys
23) Keep Me in Your Heart - Warren Zevon
22) Knocking at Your Back Door - Deep Purple
21) Killing is My Business and Business is Good - Megadeth
20) Killer's Eyes - The Kinks
19) Kiss With a Fist - Florence and The Machine
18) King for a Day - Thompson Twins
17) Killer on the Loose - Thin Lizzy
16) Keep Yourself Alive - Queen
15) Kiss Me You Fool - The Northern Pikes
14) Kyrie - Mr. Mister
13) Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue
12) Keep on Loving You - REO Speedwagon
11) Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites
10) Killers - Iron Maiden
9) Kiss On My List - Hall and Oates
8) Kissing a Fool - George Michael
7) Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
6) Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan (or Guns 'n' Roses)
5) Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
4) King of Pain - The Police
3) Karma Police - Radiohead
2) Kiss - Prince
1) Killer Queen - Queen

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Knock on Wood - Eddie Floyd (or David Bowie), Kiss You All Over - Exile, King Tut - Steve Martin, Killing in the Name - Rage Against the Machine, Kids in America - Kim Wilde, Knights of Cydonia - Muse, Kings and Queens - Aerosmith

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Question: What was with all the negativity yesterday?

I'll bump this one up so it makes sense, rather than answer it after a 'Top Ten Funny Looking Turd Loafs' or something.


Anyway, I'm a writer. Not just this, if you can even call this writing. Some of you already know this from reading my blog or seeing my penis in real life, so bear with me, just like when I ask you yet again to look at my penis.

I've written hundreds of poems, dozens upon dozens of short stories, a half-a-dozen screenplays and fifteen novels. My goal for many years has been to sign on with a literary agency to take care of the business side of my work. As of today, I still have not accomplished that goal.

So the negative tone of yesterday's blog post was due to a recent interaction that had been the most promising I'd ever had up until the other shoe dropped into my groin. As is the way with the biz, when they decide they don't want you, you feel a little guillotined; all the positive interactions, trading of materials and personal information is abruptly put to bed with a resounding no. You're then expected to move on, take their sparse to reasonable amount of encouraging words, and send your shit somewhere else.

I allow myself to get my hopes up when these interactions take place, because I want all the positivity and the joy associated with moving to a higher level in my career as a writer. (You may have guessed that selling poetry and short fiction and writing a blog about dick-jokes doesn't pay all that well.) But beyond that, it's been my dream for nearly my entire life to have a published novel. Procuring an agent is the first step to accomplishing my traditional publishing goal, so it's kind of like getting your foot in the door and then having the door slammed on it over and over until you finally can't take the pain anymore, and then you hop around, mad as hell, until you can finally put some weight on it and you go knock on the next door, foolish enough to stick that same foot in again as soon as you see a sliver of daylight.

Short Answer: I'll be fine. Just gotta angry-masturbate to some application forms to cleanse myself of the fear of ever having to get a real job.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Question: Ever want to burn this mother down?

On occasion.

Though I'd probably say motherfucker. I say that a lot. You'd think I had an oedipal compenis.

Yea, I'm a positive dude, but once in a while, something makes me think it's time to go extinct. Usually having to interact with humans for a long period of time does it. I get convinced that we're mostly a bunch of noodle-headed dummies, and that the high percentage of dummery outweighs the efforts of the Mes and Uses.

That looks like uses. See what I mean? Time to burn this motherfucker down!

Short Answer: I'm a positive dude. But on days like today - when I find out I've been rejected by an agent after a lengthy, hopeful interaction - I can see the value of death to all. (This is my way of telling all the people that knew about said 'hopeful interaction' that it didn't work out. This saves me from sending sad, individual text messages. The agency said no, and gave me absolutely no reason other than the form rejection nonsense I've grown to expect, to answer your follow up question.)

Monday, April 11, 2016

Question: If you don't know me by now, will you ever, ever, ever know me?


Is there a better way to write that sound? That's the sound for sure but when you write it like this it kinda looks like I'm disgusted by something. Which I am!


I wonder if it's the same person who drops one of these music lyric questions now and again? Funny, that's a good segway into the answer for this question. No. I don't know you. Will I? Maybe. If you come to my house I guess I'll know you. I'll also murder the fuck out of your neck and face with one of my samurai swords - which I fucking know how to use - just so we're clear on how that encounter will go. Unless you bring a large calibre rifle with a lot of stopping power. When I get swordy, I get determined.

Short Answer: I immediately thought of the Simply Red version of this song. Anyone out there instead think of the Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes version? If you did, you're old! Bluenotes are jeans fool. Wait, are they still jeans? I'm old! Dammit!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Question: Assholes or onions?

Jesus Christ...

Smell: Definitely onions. Though an asshole doesn't make me cry, poop has never, not ever, come out of an onion.

Taste: Definitely onions. Assholes taste bad. Almost like an asshole.

Look: Definitely onions. They look like they don't smell or taste like assholes.

Feel: ...assholes.

Mouth Feel: Onions. Pretty confident it's onions.

Sound: Assholes for sure. They play a large role in the post-production of farts. They have last right of refusal on anything that goes out into the world. They're the gatekeeper of the funniest thing the body does.

Pizza Topping: Onions. Unless we're talking prison pizza.

Name-calling: Assholes. You can't just call some asshole an onion. Not only will it not put them in their place, if they're an insightful or even a self-centered asshole, they'll think you're complimenting them on the depth of their personality.

Making Sex To: Man, you dig a good section out of an onion and heat it up in the microwave... just kidding, this one's assholes by a landslide. (Assholes By A Landslide was the name of my band in trade school.)

Short Answer: Onions take it, 5-4! (Though in reality, assholes take it. If you know what I'm saying. Oh, you do? It's obvious? My bad.)

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Question: What are the Top Ten funniest ways to say I love you?

10) "You're like an angel who fell from heaven, dragged down by that excess weight you carry around."
9) "I like how your breading fits around my wiener. We make a corndog."
8) "Whenever I fantasize about having sex with other women, you're there, watching."
7) "You're physically a lot like my dad."
6) "A psychic told me I would settle. I like that you believe in psychics, too."
5) "I'd rather make love to you than do anything else except eat pizza. You're almost as good as pizza."
4) "Nice rack. Now touch this part with your tongue."
3) "If I had to choose which one of us would die, it would take me longer than you'd expect to choose you."
2) "I get horny when you're on your period."
1) "I'd like to make a baby in you, and then a separate baby in the toilet."

Short Answer: I'm romantic as balls.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Question: Would you try to steal a dragon's gold?

I am not a thief. I find that behaviour reprehensible.

You may counter that the dragon is a thief, and therefore deserves to have the gold taken from him.

Do I look like fucking Robin Hood? Do you see a pointy hat?

No! I wear un-pointy hats, and only when I deem it appropriate! Sometimes, I don't wear hats at all!

Plus, have you seen a dragon? A dragon would straight up kill me. It'd be easy for the dragon. He'd have to raise his hand like a little, then let it fall on me. He wouldn't have to apply any downward force beyond what gravity would create. I might not be squished into a patty, but some of my torso would rupture from the force, and at least one organ would see the light of day.

Or the dark of his cave, am I right?

Seriously, though, I would not try to steal anything from anyone, especially not someone that I'd need a magical sword to defeat. Do I look like I have the money to buy a magical sword? Do I!!?!??!

Short Answer: Maybe he's just a wise old dragon who invested well. It's like his own 401cave. (Is that a bad joke? Am I capable of bad jokes? Am I!!?!??!!!!!)

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Question: What are the best Number One Singles from this week in April?

We'll go Billboard, of course.

Top Twenty-Five Number Ones From This Week In April

25) Theme From a Summer Place (1960) - Percy Faith
24) Love Will Lead You Back (1990) - Taylor Dane
23) Tequila (1958) - The Champs
22) The Poor People of Paris (1956) - Les Baxter
21) Night Fever (1978) - Bee Gees
20) Besame Mucho (1944) - Jimmy Dorsey
19) Uptown Funk (2015) - Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
18) Make Love to Me (1954) - Jo Stafford
17) Lovin' You (1975) - Minnie Riperton
16) My Dreams Are Getting Better All the Time (1945) - Les Brown featuring Doris Day
15) Rapture (1981) - Blondie
14) Hooked On A Feeling (1974) - Blue Suede
13) One More Night (1985) - Phil Collins
12) He's So Fine (1963) - The Chiffons
11) Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now (1987) - Starship
10) Eternal Flame (1989) - The Bangles
9) Happy Together (1967) - The Turtles
8) Just My Imagination (1971) - The Temptations
7) The Look (1989) - Roxette
6) All Shook Up (1957) - Elvis Presley
5) Blue Moon (1961) - The Marcels
4) Can't Buy Me Love (1964) - The Beatles
3) Rich Girl (1977) - Daryl Hall and John Oates
2) Another Brick in the Wall Part II (1980) - Pink Floyd
1) Billie Jean (1983) - Michael Jackson

Short Answer:

I want to write a special note here. I don't hate modern music. I can enjoy a well-crafted pop song as much as the next tween, but boy did things get shitty fast when I hit the 90's. From there, it was just a series of terrible club songs and empty shite, and even some things that made me toss my head like a disgusted horse. (Looking at you Right Round by Flo Rida.) This whole sense of feeling like everything sucks ass was exclamation-pointed by the current Number One - Work by Rihanna, which I'm almost positive is a joke she's playing on everyone. It's like she's drunk and slurring into the mike, making up whacky noises and nonsensical crap, just to see if people will buy it. Plus, wasn't there like four other songs called Work in the last few years? Anyway, I guess we can blame the date. It's somewhat unlucky that I ate a barrage of 50 Cent, Black Eyed Peas and Mase, and lets not forget one hit wonders like Had a Bad Day and We Are Young, and that fucking Usher song where they say Yeah five thousand fucking times. I assume other dates would've been better for 1991 through 2016. Thank god for Uptown Funk, or I would've had nothing from that period.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Question: Could you write an entry in leetspeak?


Binary: 01101110011011110111000001100101

Octal: 0156015701600145

Hexadecimal: 6e6f7065

Phone Pad (US): 6673

Morse Code: -.---.--..

Upside Down Text: uodǝ

American Standard Code for Information Interexchange: 110 111 112 101

Pig Latin: openay

A Code I Just Made Up: MNOD

Another Code I Just Made Up Where Each Word is Something Sex Gross: Nooky-Oral-Penetration-Ejaculant (or) Nuts-Orgasm-Penis-Erection (or) Nympho-Ombrophobic-Pearlstring-Eyeful (or) Nipple-Osmalagnia-Patootie-Effing

Short Answer: Nope.

n073: Ombrophobic means afraid of getting rained on.
n073: Osmalagnia means being turned on by smell.
(n073: n073 means note)

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Question: What's the one thing you'd like a latex mold of?

My penis.

Hands down, immediate answer, my very own penis.

If there could be two, though, I'd predictably do my wife's boobs. Then I'd get a latex mold of them! Keeee-ohhhhhhhh...

Short Answer: ...ohhhhhhhh!

Monday, April 4, 2016

Question: Honestly, how much of this is written from your toilet?

I'm always honest, bitch!

Not much. I still try to read books when I'm on the toilet, though it is a struggle. (The reading, not the pooping.) The phone-ternet definitely calls out to me every time I head for the head.

Also, I like typing - that's writing with a keyboard - and I never bring a laptop into a naked lap situation.

Short Answer: Sadly, it's only on rare occasions that I blog poop.

...Hey wait a second, were you just calling my blog a shit? Why, I never!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Question: Do you make me wanna shoop?

Shouldn't you be asking if you make me wanna shoop? How do I know if you're shooping?

Salt-N-Pepa questions are to be directed to my other blog. That's

So if you're wondering 'What's up with that thang?' or someone's got you wanting to 'Get up on this!' or if you're falling for someone's 'Super Sperm' (real) feel free to skip over there and be disappointed.

You can also go to

Short Answer: Let's be honest, I probably do.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Question: Canadian NHL hockey teams?

Yea. They suck.

FTNITK, all of the Canadian based (not owned, mind you) hockey teams are currently out of the playoffs, and as of Wednesday, they've been officially eliminated. This is rare. Also, it doesn't mean a thing. Hockey is the one major sport where people actually like playing in Canada, so it's not the same as say, a good American player not wanting to play for the Toronto Raptors. (Except when Chris Pronger left the Oilers because his wife didn't like the cold. Sorry Edmonton. That was your last chance ever. If you can't turn all those high draft picks into winning, it means that the God of Hockey hates you. Hmmm...maybe we should start calling it the Pronger Curse or something.)

There's really nothing interesting here in my opinion.

Here are the notables:

Five of the seven Canadian teams made the playoffs last year.
There hasn't been a Stanley Cup Playoffs without a Canadian team since 1970.
The Montreal Canadians looked like Cup favorites early season, then took a major crap.
The four western conference teams are at the bottom of the standings.
Still easy to find naked boobs on the internet.

I get so tired of watching hockey by the end of the season, I'm often glad when my team doesn't go deep into the playoffs. It's fucking time consuming. I get that 'real' fans don't feel that way, so I'm starting to put together the theory that I'm not a real fan. It's possible I'm not real at all.

Just a sack of ideas with a nearly erect penis.

Short Answer: I keep hearing more and more concussion news. I think people have a right - once they know the facts - to do whatever they want with their heads. Just wondering how long it will take before the scienticians figure out that all of these contact sports are fucking terrible for living full, long lives, and how long after that society will try to put a stop to these major sports. Ten years? Twenty? Create a blog and decide!

Friday, April 1, 2016

Question: I'm pregnant.

Yea. I get it. April Fools Day. Bah-hah.

Go fuck yourself.

Short Answer: This was probably my wife. Go fuck yourself.

Note: If she actually is pregnant, and she decided to tell me this way, on this day, I'm going to do that prank where you put cling wrap in a doorway. Then I'll get her angry, have her chase me, and when she gets a face full of that shit she'll go down on her ass so hard that it takes care of things.

Dammit. Now because I wrote that I have to be careful all day that she doesn't do that cling wrap shit to me. And also I'll have to apologise for making an abortion joke on the happiest day of her (our?) life.

April Fools Day fucking sucks.