Thursday, March 31, 2016

Question: Why is Donald Trump talking about abortion?

He's an old white guy. Why wouldn't he be?

I said I wasn't going to talk about Trump anymore, so here's the alternative. I'm going to go a to news page on the interweb and replace Trump's name with the first celebrity name I see, then go from there.

One sec.

(Is gone far longer than expected.)

Apparently David Hasselhoff admitted he's never watched Pamela Anderson's sex tape. That reminded me to masturbate furiously on the porch.

Anyway, here goes.

Why is David Hasselhoff talking about abortion?

'Cause he's drunk again.

Short Answer: Maybe he's angry that they're making the Baywatch movie without him. With Alexandra Daddario. She's so hot, she'd make any man think about abortions.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

The most interesting thing about this question is that I've never answered it before. It's never been asked, is the other way of saying that. As in, no one ever asked me to answer this question on my blog. I checked. Couldn't find it anywhere. It's almost like it's never been asked, and I've never answered it.

That was me stalling.

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, man. Chickens are fucking stupid. They don't even know what a road is, so this is the same as asking 'Why did the chicken wink at me like that?' He didn't. He's an idiot. Or, 'Why did the chicken just fall over in its own shit?' Again, stupid chicken.

If a chicken crosses a road, it's because the road appeared before it while it was aimlessly wandering in a direction.

Now the philosophical component. I think this 'joke' is supposed to make you think deeply about the answer being inherent in the question, which is an interesting thing to explore on this particular blog, based on the format. The reason, in its basest form, that a person moves from point A to point B is because they wish to be at point B. Any other reasons are more subjective and exploratory and must take into account external factors like motivation. And as we've discussed, chickens be idiots.

Another way to look at it is: Why does anyone do anything? How can we assume the basest form of understanding of the universe with so many variables present? The answer may very well be that we have no idea why a chicken would cross a road. We can never ask the chicken, therefore making its stupidity a perfect metaphor for our lack of ability to understand the world around us. The chicken's motivations are a mystery, just like everything else.

I feel like I'm tumbling down the chicken hole, here.

Short Answer: Why did the chicken cross the road? Existence is a mystery and we're all going to die.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Question: What are the best things to do in Vancouver?

10) Sit on my face.
9) Let me sit on your face.
8) Rub my nuts with the palms of your hands while whispering the word 'gooey' in a dry, reedy voice.
7) The Orpheum.
6) Let me watch you poop as I hand wash my Canucks jersey while standing nearby in the bathtub.
5) Fuck my wife. (She's better and cheaper than almost all the whores.)
4) Get high on the best marijuana in the world...and let me peg you!
3) Ass to ass at Wreck Beach. They allow it, I swear.
2) Avoid downtown, but not in a sex way.
1) Take in the pristine beauty of Canada's West Coast! Ready? And then let me spread peanut butter and honey between your butt cheeks, call it my special sandwich, and release the hungry ferrets!

Short Answer: Some clarifications: Wreck Beach is a nude beach. The Orpheum is where you listen to classical music. My wife is cheaper than all the whores.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Question: Do you celebrate Easter?

Holy fuck.

I just started doing one of those super lazy responses where I just post links from other questions I've answered. As I was searching my blog for Easter links so I wouldn't have to answer this question properly, I discovered that this is exactly what I did last year!

I better be careful. It's a bad habit to think of every holiday-themed question as an opportunity to phone it in.

If you're not into clicking on all that other shit, the answer is that I usually do an Easter egg hunt for my wife, because we're both still children. She usually does it naked, which is the part that isn't about children, unless you consider that in a way, the thing we end up doing on top of one another is supposed to make them.

Short Answer: Chocolate gets everywhere.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Question: Watchu talkin' about, Billis?

I can take this one of two ways. I could go the dark route, and assume that someone is a total moron who managed to hit the 'B' key instead of the 'W' key because they have the fattest fingers or the drunkest face ever.

But I'm going to go the other way, and assume that whoever (whomever?) wrote this is a brilliant human being, who thought it would be worth their time - and mine - to ask Billis just what it is he's talking about.

I don't have the answers your looking for, but we both know that, don't we? You thought this was very funny and rather than stand in your way or beat you down, I'm going to let you have your moment. For you, for Billis, for all of us.

Short Answer: I may be biased, because I've always thought calling a man Billiam would be super funny. So I guess you hit the right target. (I wonder if that's what happened. Did this asker read my blog for a while and think, 'He's gonna get this.')

Friday, March 25, 2016

Question: What are the Top Ten best songs to listen to while you're trying to find your indoor cat that just escaped out into the world?

Holy fudge.


Top Ten Looking For Your Lost Cat Songs

10) Love Will Lead You Back by Taylor Dane
9) Stray Cat Strut by The Stray Cats
8) Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul
7) I'll Be Loving You Forever by New Kids on the Block
6) Kitty by The Presidents of the United States of America
5) Everytime You Go Away by Paul Young (written by Daryl Hall)
4) Memory from Cats by whoever wrote Cats
3) Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
2) Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes
1) Love Cats by The Cure

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze, Hole-Hearted by Extreme, Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent, Against All Odds by Phil Collins, Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Question: Do you think the Canucks are losing deliberately? I get that to acquire a favourable draft position, it's good to finish low in the standings, but does it diminish the brand to tank it on purpose?

I'll put this as simply as I can.

If I thought that it was in the culture of a sport to step onto the ice/field/court/poker table? and try to do anything but win, I wouldn't watch that sport. I live in a world where no one tanks. There's no point playing the game if you don't respect the goal of winning. It's more important than the winning itself. Without respecting the game, you're a big league douche and I don't want to endorse you with my attention.

So is Vancouver tanking? Fuck no. They're accepting their rebuild now that injuries have given them the opportunity to play a lot of young players. Does that mean they won't win as many games? Sure. Could you claim this is a strategy to fall further in the standings? I suppose you could, but I think it's more about giving young guys a chance to develop. Those young guys are still going out there to win, and they'll secure jobs by helping their team achieve that goal.

Short Answer: I think it's pretty hard to hurt a team's 'brand' this way. The Maple Leafs get accused of tanking almost every year and they still have a shit-tonne of loyal fans.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Question: Brussels?

Yea! Let's talk about this on my humour blog!

I only have one opinion related to this, and it's barely related.

I just read that Rudy Giuliani took it upon himself to give President Obama shit over this. "It's outrageous that the president of the United States is not in the situation room right now planning to destroy ISIS."

What the fuck is wrong with people?

We get it. You don't like the president. You know what else you shouldn't like? Politicizing acts of terrorism and murder to put forth your own agenda. And does Giuliani even have a fucking agenda, or is he just soap-boxing to get some face time?

I wish there was a rule that when people are tragically killed, everyone has to shut the fuck up for a while with their selfish bullshit.

Let's break it down a bit. Using broad language like this is manipulative. It's trying to imply that Obama doesn't bother going to the 'situation room', that he doesn't care about people and that he's not doing anything about ISIS. It's one thing to not like the guy, but to imply he doesn't ever do his job? He's the fucking president. Do you really think he woke up, heard about the terror attacks and said, "Yea, I don't give a shit about that. Keep the situation room closed so I can continue to let ISIS do what it wants. Where's the fuckin' Eggos?"

Short Answer: I don't know Giuliani from a hole in an ass, but I get the impression he's drinking the same Kool-Aid as every other Republican who went with the whole, 'Let's not let Obama have a second term at all' bullshit. Therefore, everything you say is moot. You're encouraging the stupids that already believe you and the rest of us are ignoring the white noise. Good job getting in the news, fucker.

Note: Brought to you by Eggos and Kool-Aid.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Question: I could use some advice on how to keep my Mom from voting for Donald Trump. Any tips?

Yea. I've got a tip for your mom.

The tip of my penis.

For her - your mom's - vagina.

Like, I'll take the tip and put it in and be like, "How's that, Carol?"  and she'll be all like, "It's so big!" and I'll be all like, "That's just the fuckin' tip, fool!" and then she'll be all like, "Oh, my!" and then I'll give her the rest millimeter by millimetre so she feels as full as a Mexican truck heading for the border.

See? That there at the end? That's a stupid, tasteless, harmless joke. That's not actual racism. When you call a whole culture rapists, that's fuckin' racism.

By the way, anyone who asks me about Donald Trump from now on is going to be disappointed in the answer they get, and they will also be putting their mom's rump in danger. I'm not wasting any more of my time explaining what level of twit that guy has achieved. If you haven't yet been convinced you're an asshat for thinking, 'He's saying what everyone else is thinking," then you'll live the rest of your life with no concept of your epic asshattery.

Short Answer: You shouldn't be rewarded for telling the truth. You're supposed to tell the truth. So let's stop making allowances for what words he's actually saying and how harmful they are, just so we can say it's refreshing that he isn't lying his ass off. (Oh, and by the way, he's lying his ass off. So he's a double-sided douche. The worst kind!)

Monday, March 21, 2016

Question: Help us celebrate #WorldPoetryDay!



Once when I was a dreamer in a dream
I shot a star and it fell from the sky
I tasked myself with digging out a gobbet of its flesh

The piece of star I swallowed whole
It sunk into my marshy guts
and the light was soundly trapped

Sadly when I shit it out
the star had entirely lost its lustre
Just a black knot in a log

It didn't even struggle to survive when I flushed
I guess stars aren't so magical after all
And poetry is subjective as fuck

Short Answer: The true celebration was that I had sex with a smelly, old John Keats collection! The paper was gravelly! Wheeeee!

"My imagination is a monastery and I am its punk." - John Keats/Me

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Question: Can you explain puppymonkeybaby?

I'm going to drop the fa├žade for this one.

Does anyone know what the fuck this is? I'm not a big fan of these completely irreverent, frenetic commercials that have spawned from the irreverent, less-frenetic trend of humorous ads in the last few years.

For a time, televisions ads were funnier than ever, until every single brand decided they needed something whacky. I think the worst one I've seen, way after the shark was jumped, was a Subway add where they just casually mention 'laser-wolves' or something like that. It was so terrible and off-brand I couldn't help but be disgusted.

I don't know if combining three things with CG in an energy drink commercial should be considered a marketing strategy. Here's the pitch meeting. "Hey! There's caffeine in this! Let's do some crazy shit and people who are caffeinated will be like, Damn!, and we'll make a shut load of coin, bruh."

So fuck that commercial.

Short Answer: Random crap and loud music is not entertainment. This sort of thing doesn't deserve accolades or attention.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Question: Hulk Hogan got paid, son!

Not a question.


I don't give two vitamins about this. I guess if some random shit-site puts out your sex tape without permission, you've suffered to the tune of 115 million dollars. Boo-hoo. Someone saw your wiener.

Despite his popularity, all I've ever heard about Hogan from other wrestling people is that he's kind of an asshat who thought of himself rather highly. Which is fine; he's not the first wrestler to be inundated with a fat ego or the desire to take care of his own career first. Problem is, dude is the fucking worst in-ring performer among all the biggest names in the business. And he wrestled long past the point where he could do anything that looked even a little like fighting. If you can't fake it properly, you're fucking up the whole premise.

Actually, in that sex tape he sort of looked like he couldn't fake that properly either. Not that I watched it. With my Hulkamania bandana on.

Short Answer: I exercised and ate my vitamins and I turned out bad. Though I'm still better in-ring than Hulk Hogan. I'd murder that guy with a crossface chicken wing in like thirteen seconds. Is that a challenge you ask? No!

Friday, March 18, 2016

Question: How many times have you had sexual intercourse?

Just wanted to sidebar a little here. This is my 1900th post on AskKeithAnything. Pretty crazy, right?

I feel like maybe this question was asked by a kid. Once you're an adult, you stop counting how many times you've done it. Some still count how many different people they've done it with, but that ain't the question, so we won't go there.

I'm going to try to answer this one honestly. Hold on while I do some maths.

(Jeopardy song.)

832 times.

Short Answer: If we count other sexual acts I'm in the three thousands. What are other sexual acts you ask? That's a new question!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Question: Is your mother's name Carol?

Wow. Creepy. Why do you want to know my mother's name? Are you trying to tell me...that you' real dad?


Oh, wait. Did you just do a hooker named Carol and this is now a joke at my expense? Well played, internet. Only my mom's name isn't Carol! So hah! She's a hooker with a different name and you've probably had sex with her anyway...and...dammit.

Short Answer: Slapclit Malone. That's my mother's name. You happy, internet? Wait, is Slapclit funny or fuckin' horrible? I'm in too much of a rush today to think of anything else. Just like I always say at times of duress, we're going with Slapclit.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Question: Are you separated by any degrees from any famous person?

I feel bad for Floyd Mayweather's new 19 year old girlfriend. It's not that he'll hit her; he'll just keep moving around so she can't hit him.

I know that had nothing to do with the question, but I didn't want to waste energy opening Twitter or Facebook to get that out.

I'm separated by a lot of degrees from every famous person.

Short Answer: Floyd Mayweather will be too busy cleaning that girl's diapers to clean her clock!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Question: How do you feel about telemarketers?

I'm surprised by this question. First of all, I haven't heard too many conversations about telemarketers lately. And second, doesn't everyone feel the exact same way? I think even telemarketers wish they were anywhere else when they're at work.

I dislike the telemarketer conversation. It reminds of a terrible comedy bit, where everyone says the expected. Someone implies that they're the scum of the earth, then someone else tells a story about how the handle them in a 'funny' way and then someone else says they just hang up. If you're among a group of decent humans, someone might then say something like, 'I feel bad so I let them talk for a bit' and then someone else says, 'I used to do that, but who has the time?' Then we freeze-frame and roll credits.

It's just a shitty job like any other shitty job. They aren't devil spawn. It's also not an easy job. Dealing with the public sucks. Dealing with the public when you don't have any previous relationship - or reason to be bothering them - is the worst. A little sympathy might be nice, or a little politeness, but I don't hold it against anyone if they can't muster it at any given point. Some people are absolutely hounded by telemarketers and have a genuine right to tell them to fuck off once in a while.

I just block every number that comes into my phone. That takes care of it for the most part.

I wonder if my mother is still alive?

Short Answer: When you want to yell or swear at a telemarketer, just imagine what it must have felt like for them on the day they accepted the job, and knew they were scraping rock bottom with exposed nuts.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Question: Waht do you think of the Ian Mcshane Game of Thrones spoilers?

I don't know them!

I heard that he said something derogatory about people being pissed off, something like 'it's just tits and dragons'.

I think this is sad. Because the people who don't appreciate getting things spoiled aren't the same tribe as the typical crew of internet users who lose their minds over every little thing. Not wanting things you may enjoy ruined for you is a much older thing then the internet.

Mr. McShane is on the wrong side of this one. Not all of us can watch everything the moment it comes out, and so we have to fight to avoid spoilers, and we've all had some douche-nozzle ruin something we were enjoying with a careless Facebook post. We don't try to avoid these spoilers because we assign too much importance to 'tits and dragons', we just want to be able to enjoy the entertainment we choose. We want to lose ourselves in other worlds and care about characters. That's what storytelling is for, and it pays his salary.

On a more personal note, epic fantasy stories are a little more than 'tits and dragons' (though don't get me wrong, that's a funny-ass thing to say). This feels a little like genre diminishment, which pisses me off a little. The fact that Game of Thrones is as popular as it is says a lot about the mainstream acceptance of the thing I love the most, and people saying it's 'only' anything is an antiquated notion. We run the world, now. Comics, sci-fi, fantasy: they aren't beneath any longer. They aren't just 'men in tights' or 'space battles' or 'tits and dragons.' They are mainstream entertainment and their metaphors serve to expose messages of humanity to those who can't see them without the genre staples. They are valid forms of entertainment and art.

Comes down to the fact that he's entitled to his opinion, and as I said, I think it's just misguided. For him to group a spoiler from his own mouth with the over-aggrandisement of everything that ever touches the internet and its legion of trolls and asshats is understandable. It's just flawed. My friends and I hate getting things spoiled because we care. We also think that people freak the fuck out too much. In almost every other situation where a celebrity has gotten chewed up on the internet for little reason, I've been on the side of the celebrity. But this?

Again, I don't know what the spoiler was or how big it was, but after reading five books and watching as many seasons of this show, I'd probably be pissed off too if I had something important ruined. And I would have every right without getting grouped in with soapboxing weirdos who have nothing better to do with their time.

Short Answer: I really like Ian McShane as an actor. That won't stop. I hope he's good on Game of Thrones and I hope this nonsense doesn't alter my enjoyment of the forthcoming season.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Question: What are you reading right now?

This wonderful book called Daily Rituals by Mason Currey. It's a compilation of the daily rituals of famous composers, artists and writers. There's a 200 to a 1000 word blurb about each one, describing what their day looked like. It's very interesting if you're interested in artistic process or just curious how this side lives.

I'm also reading book eleven of the Wheel of Time series. I read the first nine when I was younger and gave up when I caught up to Jordan as he was writing them. When Brandon Sanderson took over after Robert Jordan's death, I promised myself that if and when they were ever finished, I'd go back and read them all (all fourteen as it turned out), front to back like a proper wipe. I've been in the shit for a year, now, and I'm almost through it.

What have I learned, you ask? I learned that successful artists drink a lot of coffee and go on a lot of long walks. They also seem to like smoking, drugs and booze a great deal.

I've also learned that fourteen fantasy books are a shit load to tell one story. I'll be relieved when I'm done with it so I can move on to some less ambitious reading.

Short Answer: Daily Rituals by Mason Currey. Knife of Dreams by Robert Jordan. (See? I can still write short answers that are short answers. But isn't this boring?)

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Question: What do you think of Kim Kardashian's nude selfie?

Man. Too bad I don't have a question today. Just a big blank space.

All right you fucker.

I think you should be famous for doing stuff, but I suppose at this point she's famous for other reasons. Like being naked all the time and fucking famous people. So I guess that counts. Still annoyed that anything to do with her is somehow 'news' but I guess she's relevant enough to most that I should not disregard her as a human.

I think I'm a dude and I like big boobs and big butts. There. You happy? I guess you and Kim Kardashian (and probably Kanye in a way I won't understand until he explains it in great, rambling, self-centric detail) win this round. I guess you got me to admit that I'm susceptible to stupid women with big parts as much as the next guy/girl/other.

I find her attractive. I'd do sex up and into her. I think her butt is ridiculous. I'm just as boring as everyone else. Was that the question? Hey Keith, are you just as boring as everyone else? Yes. The answer is yes.

Short Answer: There's a part of me that gets a kick out of the fact that a woman as famous as she is keeps laying out the naked bits for the world. I guess she really enjoys it. On that front, if you were asking about the controversy over whether or not she should be sending out nudes of herself on a regular basis or at all, that I can weigh in on. Nobody has the right to tell anyone else what to do. She's not directly hurting anyone, and she didn't sign a role-model contract. Remember how freedom works when you're criticizing someone with a different set of thoughts, morals and beliefs than yours. You wouldn't want your choices ridiculed, would you?

In my mind, the logic of criticizing anyone for sending nude photos into the world is sadly flawed. If you can play the other side of an argument like this, you don't have one: I criticize you for not sending out nude photos on a regular basis, for not promoting a healthy body image and teaching people that strong, independent people don't need to be ashamed of themselves or their bodies, and that the over-sexualisation of every image - nude or otherwise - should be diluted for the sake of coming generations.

And that's not even taking into account the logic of the 'leave other people the fuck alone' argument.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Question: How many licks does it take to get to the center?

Fucking gross.

Little (or is it L'il) Kim ruined the fuck out of this for me. That music video is disgusting. Little Kim looks like the sentient asshole of a rancor beast. When she shuffle-jumps forward, legs splayed, talking about how long it takes for us to pleasure her orally, I picture myself being forced to eat a tube of old anchovy paste while holding a dog turd near my face.

I don't know much about the rap game, so I can't weigh in on whether or not she was good at the rapping, but as a man with eyes I can sure weigh in on the fact that I always thought she looked like a handicapped pug. That plus her terrible implants made her an object of whatever is the furthest thing from desire. Then she got work done to stretch her face out to a normal dog face, and it worked.

Short Answer: Weren't there owls in the original commercial? Like, owls that were far sexier than Little Kim implying that she's willing to jam her vag down my throat for an indeterminate amount of smelly-time?

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Question: What do you think would happen in an alternate timeline where the popular search engine Google is actually called Giggle?

What would happen?


We've got an alternate timeline at our disposal and all we get is Giggle? The only difference I can see is that giggle is a real word. So maybe when you clicked on the site there would be a Pillsbury Doughboy like 'hoo-hoo' or something. Other than that, what bearing does the word have on the success? I see none. That's like saying, what would the world would have been like if it had been called the Network instead of the Internet? People would never talk about the movie Network on purpose. That would be the only difference. Oh wait, that's not a difference. The only reason people or our generation even know about the movie Network is because Heath Ledge won a posthumous Oscar for The Dark Knight, and the last time that happened was the guy from Network.

Do you think the world would be a happier, funnier place because a giant conglomeration owns a jolly word? More likely you'd have to pay a fucking royalty every time you were tickled.

Short Answer: You know what would be different in an alternate timeline? I would have a job.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Question: I've been tasked with writing a speech for an upcoming gathering. Can you help?


Welcome one and all to said gathering. I hope you've all had fun or been sad at an appropriate level. I remember the first time I met the person who we're celebrating and/or mourning the loss of. It was at a place where something interesting was happening, and I, being foolish in the circumstance, was aided by the person. Those were the days!

The person was a good one. They were kind, generous, always there for you when you needed them, a good friend and husband/father/lone wolf. I often would go to the person for advice and receive advice.

For those who didn't know him, you should feel bad that you didn't or if they're alive, here he is, you probably know him if you were invited.

There will be cake and/or booze, dinner and/or dancing. Feel free to enter the raffle/sign the guest book/bet on the jelly beans/go into the photo booth/record your message/leave your presents or condolences on the table we set up in the corner.

And of course we wouldn't all be here without the help of public transit, so thanks.

Short Answer: Speeches are easy. Just make a terrible joke, then say something sincere, then say, "A toast" to the person and one last sincere hope for their future, then something about getting drunk. Ex: "Funny that they asked me to do this after I so recently slept with the bride. No but seriously, I wish I'd had a chance with Carol. Any one of us would be better for having her in our life. She's a fantastic lady and I couldn't be happier that she and Greg found each other. A toast, to Carol and Greg. I wish you all the best. Now let's get drunk!" Then, if it does happen to be a funeral, it sounds like this: "Funny that they asked me to do this after I so recently slept with the recently deceased. No but seriously, I wish I'd fucked this dead body before they wheeled her out today. Any one of us would be lucky to fuck Carol, even if she is dead and lifeless now. She was a fantastic lay and I couldn't be sadder that Greg found her dead on the kitchen floor. A toast, to Greg, who lost another one. Tough year, Greg. Now let's get drunk!"

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Question: How big does a dump have to be before you should be worried?

I don't think you need to be alarmed by any size of bowel movement, unless you don't poop for like three weeks and than lay a two-bowler. That's not a healthy way to be.

I think if you ever have to flush because the toilet's full, you have something wrong with your insides. Might just be a tape worm or a demon, could be some sort of space-time anomaly. More fibre and water should take care of all of that.

I have a personal history of storing poops. I've had long-term inaction followed by multi-layered dumps on more than a few occasions. In case that's confusing, let me elaborate.

(This is the part where you stop reading if you are afraid of poop stories or gross things or vomiting.)

I have taken poops that are three-layered. This means, each individual layer is comprised of a different foodstuff, and has its own texture and color. Imagine, if you will (last chance) a broken-up bran muffin floating in leftover Count Chocula milk, covered by a tube or two of chocolate soft-serve, topped with a spatter of loose buckshot with bits of carrot. That's a real thing.

Short Answer: This is my life. It's not funny!

Monday, March 7, 2016

Question: How was your anniversary?

Yea. Sorry I skipped a day. Well, I'm not actually sorry, but you get the hollow sentiment.

My anniversary?

I had sex in a mouth, and then on some tits, then I went to brunch at a nerd bar and had Benedict's Cumberbatch, then I went for a walk, made supper good, watched SNL, ate donuts, then watched the Poltergeist remake.

So I guess you could say it went gradually downhill from the start.

Short Answer: It was a good day. (Kinda wish my wife had been there!) No, no, she was, she was.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Question: I hope you get something stuck up your butt.

So do I!

Let's hear it for the weekend!



Short Answer: Huzzah! Magnifico! Plop.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Question: Friday Freeday! (That's a thing. I made up a thing.)

Some of my readers are so delightful.

Most are shit.

I wish I could assread. Just lay a newspaper out on the couch and wiggle my butt on it, then be smarter.

If I never hear the word 'trump' again, I'll be fine.

Our world has become so inundated with mainstream media-based bias and fear that half of us get our news from crazy people and the other half get it from comedians.

Is masturbating to the point of soreness on a regular basis a sign of a successful life? I think it is.

Someone should make a better earplug. Rolling foam between your fingers and stuffing it in your head seems primitive.

I just read that a famous wrestler died of a 'subarachnoid hemorrhage'. Not only are those the two coolest words to put together beneath 'cause of death' it also might mean that there's a spider in you generating enough bleeding to 'cause death'.

I get Bruce Springsteen. I just don't like Bruce Springsteen.

Why, when people consider us having evolved from another species, do they picture us doing primitive things? Do you really think if we were giant mantises that we'd still be eating each other's heads? We don't throw poop and eat bananas any more. At least not without washing our hands in between.

Cilia is an underused word. Not only can they be motile or nonmotile, they typically serve as sensory organelles!

"You are surrounding all my surroundings, sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain." - Twenty One Pilots

Friday Freeday should mean I get to bone whomever I want. Here's looking at you, oddly thick girl who works the deli at Safeway. You look like you've never seen the touch of another person and I'm willing to make the first touch extra sticky.

Short Answer: This would work better if I was the kind of person who stored up a lot of interesting thoughts and didn't have seventeen outlets for them. For me, all this has to come from the top of my head. Sensory organelles for everyone!

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Question: Brains or brawn?

I could understand this question if it was brains vs. personality, or brains vs. a hot bum or something, but really? In today's society?

Sorry to tell you, but we live in an age where brains is brawn. Whether we're talking about a perspective mate or what I want for my own identity, brains is the answer. Who needs someone to open the pickle jar when I can use science?

Short Answer: Brawn doesn't affect your ability to be humorous the way brains do, which is the only thing that really matters to me. I want to spend my life laughing, not having to constantly buy tickets to the gun show.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Question: Will other countries rethink their reliance on American power because they no longer believe the American people will elect a rational person to wield its nuclear arsenal? What I'm really asking is 'Has the age of "Mutually Assured Destruction" doctrine ended?'

I woke myself up with a fart earlier today.

Nah. The crumbling empire that is America will still have all the nukes and all the military might for a very long time. They really are the world police; I don't think who's in charge will change America's attitude nor the world's. Countries with less military will still expect the policies of the previous dozen regimes to win out over some fancy new president. If the Obama administration taught us anything, it's that no matter how hyped people get for change, the system in America will fucking crush that shit in favor of the status quo.

Short Answer: I think as long as America can respond to a single warhead by lighting up the entire Milky Way, people will still fear the double-ended dildo that is a nuclear strike. But on a positive note, I'd like to believe that the doctrine you're referring to isn't at the heart of why we don't murder the fuck out of each other with giant, radioactive rocket-bombs. I want to believe it's because humans don't really want to do that to each other. Perhaps that's wishful thinking, but it's okay, because if I'm wrong, that positivity will be torn from my bones along with my flesh in the instant I realize I was wrong.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Question: No love for Abe?

This is in reference to Abe Vigoda being excluded from the In Memoriam section of the Oscars' broadcast.

I hope.

Abe Vigoda has been my go to abstract reference for many years, but I feel I should be honest under the circumstances and explain that I wasn't a massive fan of his work. Godfather, obviously. Other than that, he was just a funny looking old dude that - along with Borgnine - was a funny face/name to reference in a moment when you needed a laugh.

But I do agree that he should've been included. Nearly a hundred acting credits seems like enough. I wonder who makes these decisions? I would watch the thing for another minute or even two if it mean including everyone. Who cares? Shows super long anyway, and in a way, the In Memoriam is the most important part.

Short Answer: I don't have a real problem with Abe Lincoln if that's what this is about. I just think beards without mustaches are kind of dumb. And top hats? What are you, a circus...guy...whatever.