Monday, February 29, 2016

Question: Highlights from the Oscars?

I'm glad this was asked so specifically this year. I wasn't really in the mood to do a front to back an analysis. Not like when I'm hiring a hooker. Anyway...

- First off, Louis C.K. He killed as per usual.
- Tina Fey also nailed it.
- Dug the Ennio Morricone win.
- Andy Serkis's intro was a lesson in how to bring personality and enthusiasm to the job.
- Brie Larson giving a composed speech then having a single moment of 'I did it' realization.
- Innaritu for Best Director. That one felt right.
- Liked Leo's win and the standing ovation.
- Ryan Gosling was funny.
- Sam Smith singing. Sam Smith winning. Sam Smith talking about being gay. Big hug.
- Being yelled at by Gaga.
- Liked the Girl Guide cookie thing. Not funny, but anything that breaks format and shows the celebrities being real is good.
- Tom Hardy was there.

Having said all that, it was one of the worst Oscars I've ever seen. I thoroughly disliked the pop-up facts. The scroll was fucking useless. They played people off more quickly and at a louder volume than is acceptable to my tastes. There were many mistakes, including cutting to cameras that weren't on anyone. The panning back and forth camera moves while people were being announced were stupid and amateurish, as was the shaky cam before Gaga's performance (let alone seeing the dude who was there to take the blue square away in close-up). I didn't think there was a single wonderful speech, aside form maybe Leo's, which I'd seen before at the Globes.

One more thing about the pop-up facts. Not only is that in instant distraction from the person and what they're saying, it's not like it's giving us anything important. If you're trying to appeal to a younger audience, they can look up anything they want on their phones, on their own. To assume that the people who actually watch the Oscars every year are so bored that they need you to put more shit in front of their faces makes no sense. So I ask, who was it for? Who wants that? Know your fucking audience.

For example, me. I've watched the Oscars every year since I found out what they were. I was spitting mad when I saw the facts boxes come up, angry that I'd been distracted from the words coming out of the human's mouth. But also, at various times during the ceremony, I looked shit up on my phone. The difference is choice.

Short Answer: Seems I've avoided the race issue altogether in this spiel. I guess that's because in the end, whether you were angry or back-pattingly positive, we'll see if things really change, won't we? But on a personal note, it ain't black against white. It's all us sane people versus the old white fuckers. And not just in this. I think that unity is important, and I'm glad for the people who didn't boycott, who took the opportunity to be present and accountable and speak their minds.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Question: Notificiations on.

Did you type something in the wrong field? Is there an Ask Keith Anything question floating around in your IPhone somewhere? I wonder who will answer it?

Siri, I guess.

That whore.

Short Answer: If this is a question about whether or not I leave notifications on, or whether or not you should, maybe next time try a FUCKING QUESTION MARK! Wow. That's the first time I've ever caps-yelled on the internet. It felt okay. Not as bad as I thought it would. By the by, I leave notifications off because I don't like to be interrupted while I'm busy (masturbating). No one wants a fuckin' Candy Crush elf popping up to ask you some stupid-ass question while you're hammering away to a video of a girl peeing at a carnival.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Question: Sadako vs. Kayako?

FTNITK, Sadako is the scary-ass chick from Ringu, and Kayako is the scary-ass chick from The Grudge.

This movie was originally just an April Fool's Day joke, then turned into the real thing, possibly because of the positive response put forth by Japanese fans.

I've seen the trailer. It's as expected. Though both of these original movies scare the shit out of me, the trailer made me laugh. A little with joy, a little with nervousness. It's a monster mash-up, and I get a great kick out of that idea. Will I watch the fuck out of it? Yep. Will it be scary? Maybe. Will I be scared? Fuck yeah. Will it be super fun? I'm hopeful.

Seems like the sky is the limit with movies these days. Anything can happen. And though they tried this before (Freddy vs. Jason, for example) this one might actually be a real horror movie, with real scary stuffs. So I'm kinda pumped.

Short Answer: If this is asking who wins, gotta go with Sadako because she's evil as shit. Kayako was always more of a sympathetic kind of murder-ghost in my esteem.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Question: Could you do a Top Ten list? I think it's been a while. Sorry if I'm wrong.

First of all, you're right to apologize. People don't apologize to me nearly enough. Second, I think you're right, but you should apologize for pointing it out. You dick.

Top Ten Seven-Word Phrases You Don't Want to Hear From Your Boss

10) "Are you guys doing anything after work?"
9) "Because I'm one of those cool bosses."
8) "Ho, you best have my money tonight."
7) "You're disgraceful, so clean out your desk."
6) "I wish you weren't my son, Keith."
5) "This toilet isn't going to un-shit itself!"
4) "We're changing the computer system effective immediately."
3) "You're working this weekend then you're fired."
2) "Did you fill it out with bureaucracy?"
1) "I make three-hundred times your salary."

Short Answer: I got in over my head pretty quick, here, on account of the fact that I'm unfamiliar with the corporate world. I know this because I don't laugh at Dildo, or Milton, what's it called? The office comic strip? Anyway, I'm not quite sure what goes on at offices. I think it's a bunch of memos and lunches and TPS reports.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Question: Why shouldn't you have your own talk show?

Hmmm. This feels a little backhanded. Why shouldn't I? Or maybe I should take that the other why, like why shouldn't I?

Man, italics do not cut it in terms of inflection. Let's move on.

I should have my own talk show. I'm hilarious and as handsome as a horse's patoot.

Wait, wait. Maybe there's one good reason. I don't care about other people's opinions and don't want to interview them. Can I have a talk show that's just me talking about why I don't have any guests?

I remember really digging on Jimmy Fallon at first, and though I still like him, I find his incessant positivity a bit hard to believe. He's a huge fan of everyone and everything. Sometimes, watching him, I think, 'What does he do when he hates something/someone? How does he cope?'

Because I know how I'd cope. I'd tell them they fucking suck and that their movie sucks and then my talk show would get cancelled.

Short Answer: All of the things I like to talk about are not allowed on television. I'm a walking example of shit people don't think is acceptable to say out loud.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Question: I want you to do something for me. I want you to stop writing this blog. Got that?

Is this the mafia? Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like the mafia.

I don't want my cyber-knees broken, and I sure have no desire to sleep with the phishes, so I guess I'd better comply.

It was fun while it lasted, I suppose.

No. This can't be right. The mafia wouldn't ask me to stop. They don't go into a store and say, 'Hey, stop being a store.' They probably just want a cut. A little strong-arm tactics, eh? I get it now.

Here's your cut of the zero dollars I make writing this blog. You can just reach for the screen and the nothing dollars will appear in your hand like magic.

And if this isn't the mafia and you just don't like reading my blog, you can reach out and grasp a big handful of go somewhere else on the giant internet you fucking dumbass.

Short Answer: All I got is herpes and very little disposable income. So you're the one who's a loser. Or something.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Question: How many people do you think ask you quesitons when they're drunk?

Based on the mentality of drunk people, I'm going to assume - despite only one spelling error - that you are in fact drunk as you ask this question.

The answer, quite simply, is how the fuck am I supposed to know?

It's not like I can see words being slurred, or tell that you took a break in the middle of your question to fall over/vomit/inappropriately touch a waitress.

You know what. My job is to answer. So I will. How many people?

Seven. Seven people ask me questions when they're drunk.

Short Answer: If you're drunk and going on the internet to ask me questions, you should probably stop drinking or keep drinking because your life is in complete shambles. Just do something different, man. This isn't working out for any of us.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Question: Top Ten Things That Come Into Your Head?

10) A penis
8) An idea.
7) I just missed 9.
6) That shit wasn't on purpose.
9) Now I'm thinking about whether or not what I'm doing really fits the premise.
5) Had to check what comes after 69.
4) Double orgasm.
2) That was where I ran out of ideas.
1) I wonder if God every watches someone take a dump from start to finish?

Short Answer: This is a fun exercise. You should try it.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Question: Catastrophic ass failure.

You say this like I'm somehow in the know.

My first thought is poops, but catastrophic is a big ugly word for a poop that went south. (I guess all poops go south, technically.) Unless you blew a part of you that was inside into the outside. Then you could use as many big ugly words as you wanted to, because none of them would be enough to explain a fresh, slimy visual of your own colon.

Maybe this is in reference to a fat-bottomed lady who wore a specific outfit and then the consensus was that her ass did not look as good as she'd hoped in said outfit. This could be catastrophic in a personal sense, in the way that people are way to dramatic about how their parts look in stuff. I deem this inappropriate usage as I'm sure you still have your inner beauty.

That was a joke. There's no such thing as inner beauty. Big butts or feel bad.

This question also made me think of this:

But again (butt again) not catastrophic.

Short Answer: I hope, dear Asker, that you did not shit out the bottom of a miniskirt. That would be very embarrassing. Especially if it was plaid. I don't know why. The world is mysterious.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Question: Orgasms for some?


Except in my zip code. Here, it's orgasms for everyone. I can't help it. I get up and stretch in the morning and I hear the soft applause of panties hitting the pavement. I figure I deserve it on account of my accomplishments. Those include getting the fuck up, having a fucking boner, and going another night without fucking pajamas.

Pajamas: the slacks of nighttime.

I'm lucky. My wife likes orgasms so I give them to her. Some people don't, I hear. Though I don't really hear, because my wife is screaming like her dog got run over. But by sex. You know, the good kind of dogricide.

I'm just kidding. I can't hear you because I'm the one screaming. Usually something about how great I am at things by telling those things to suck it hard.

Short Answer: "Fuck you, tee ball! I'm the best, sex things! Eat a dick, caring about Hall and Oates!" In case that last one is a bit confusing, let me clarify. I care a lot about Hall and Oates. And I let my wife fucking hear it.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Question: Where do you steal your ideas from?

This question must be from someone in the game. And by the game, I mean to fail trying to sound cool while referencing the writing game.

There's an old adage that goes something like, 'Good writers borrow, great writers steal, excellent writers do anal stuff.' It's mostly true, I think. The more you read, process, experiment and produce, the more your influences are going to show up in your work.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not like we sit down and try to right The Strand by Steven Kingsly or anything. Not a single borrow is ever conscious. Think of it this way. You know that question that people ask, 'Where do your ideas come from?' Well, they don't come from fuckin' fairies. They come from everything around you. Everything that you experience, everything you let in, everything that soaks in, everything that goes in your bum. (Sorry. Can't get off this anal train this morning. Yea, I know I'm the conductor, Mom!)

I've had brilliant and original ideas that came from the ether on various occasions in my life. Then a few years later, I'll reread some book or remember an old television show and be all like, 'Shitness. That's where I got that.' It's never anything too blatant, but it does remind you that you're not the god of all creativity, which is a common feeling when you do pull something from your butt.

That butt use was perfectly reasonable, if a bit of a cliché.

There's also something you hear in the comedy world a lot called parallel thinking. Like if you have an idea, especially if it's related to something that flared up in the news and is likely to garner attention, then maybe other people can have a similar idea, if not the same idea. A joke could be written that makes a lot of logical sense, and multiple people could tell that same joke. It doesn't mean anyone's a thief. In my experience, creative people rarely get up and decide to sign someone else's work each morning. If that was the case, we wouldn't all be so fucking stressed out and crazy and drunk all the time. Creativity would be far easier.

Short Answers: Names are my crutch. I'll bust out an on the spot character name and then realize I got it from the back of a cereal box and a package of candy or something. But that's not to say that Prize Inside Mentos isn't a strong character. She is.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Question: Do you like it when I put my fingers in your...

I didn't cut this question off. This is the way it came. And if you put your fingers in me, that would also be the way I came. I assume that's what we're implying here. Unless you're saying something really gross like you're putting your fingers in my glass of water when I'm not looking. That's not cool, man. Not cool.

I like fingers everywhere. Let's do this!

That was kind of a short answer.

Short Answer: I like fingers everywhere. Let's do this!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Question: Will you eat baloney?

Baloney is too expensive.

That's a joke. Yea, I'll eat baloney. I don't very often, but I will, again, assuming I don't die on the way to the baloney.

I like baloney fried with relish on it. Again, no joke. Or I like it raw in a sandwich with Miracle Whip and sliced tomatoes. Again, stop laughing, this is real.

When I was younger, my mom would put the tomatoes in a separate foil packet in my lunch so that the tomatoes wouldn't make the bread soggy. This is all true.

In Newfoundland, there is a joke that says baloney is 'Newfie steak'. This is a reflection of how poor Newfoundlanders are, not on how much they like fish like you may have thought. Not everything is about fish. Mostly, it's about not having jobs because everybody stole the fish.

That's about enough of this.

Short Answer: I like mortadella, the Italian baloney. It's got more attitude.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Question: If algebraic equations could be used to decipher the meaning of life, which ones would you choose?

You know that thing when someone asks you a question and you're all like, "Jesus. Do I have to answer this fucking question? I guess I could. The words are right there. Think I'll take a deep breath and considering punching this twat right in the jeans instead. Nope. Get a hold of yourself. You will get through this."

Ever had that happen?

Short Answer: I'm getting pretty fucking tired of electronic devices telling me that I've spelled fucking wrong, and trying to change it to ducking. Go duck yourself you lousy pricks! Billy wantsta swear!

Monday, February 15, 2016

Question: More, please.

I'm not at all in the mood for this sort of question today. Which is why I'm answering it. Because I think it will be funny. Let's see if I'm wrong.

Dong? Yes. There's always more where that came from. And then there's balls.
Awards Shows? No.
Cheese? Yes.
Jalepenos? No. My bum hurts enough already.
Moors? I don't have a problem with that unless it somehow fucks with the timeline.
Moore's? The clothing store? No.
Alannis Morisette? No. Though she does make me think of Ryan Reynolds, so yes.
Attitude? Go fuck yourself.
Anklets? Hell yes!
Rogers? This is a Roger Moore joke. You can tell because you're laughing so hard.
Serena Williams' ass? I don't think it's possible for there to be any more.
Niki Minaj's ass? Yes. Bring it on.
How did this become about ass all of a sudden? No.
Are we not supposed to talk about the fact that you're just thinking about ass right now? Yes.
Ass? Yes.
No ass? No.
You're leaving to masturbate aren't you?
Aren't you?

Short Answer: Keith?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Questions: Why do so many people carry huge sums of cash (thousands of dollars or more) when they travel from country to country?

Because Thai hookers don't take credit.

Short Answer: Because (fill in the blank) hookers don't take credit.

Note: Sorry if you feel this is inappropriately short. I'm busy today getting nailed by broads.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Question: Do you have any cool Valentine's Day plans?

I got a similar question a few years back and I think the answer sums up the way I feel every year. So here it is instead of me doing any work:

I think the freshly painted wall part is really romantic.

Short Answer: This year for Valentine's Day, I think I'm going to let her put a broom handle up my dumper.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Question: What's your favourite kind of beer?

I'm weird about beer. I don't like anything in the middle, just the way I like my women. This is an attempt at a no fatties joke. I think it went okay.

I like very light beers, like kristalweizen light, though I can do some hefeweizen and wheat beers. On the other end of the spectrum, I like really dark beer as long as it doesn't finish as bitter as a lengthy break-up. I love Guinness, for example.

Anything between that can pretty much suck a fat one. I don't like IPAs or lagers or anything too hoppy or anything too brown. The only real exceptions are Sleeman's Cream because I like things creamed like a lower back, and Stella Artois because marketing works on me good.

I was sure I'd talked about shandies on this blog before, but I can't find it anywhere. I was so into them last year that I was telling everyone. Guess I just assumed I told you.

Brits have been mixing ginger beer with regular beer since the 1850s, but my favorite shandy story comes out of Germany. There was a bike race in the twenties, and way more people showed up for it than were expected. This bar in Munich, run by a guy named Krugler, didn't have enough beer, so they dug in the basement for some old lemon soda that nobody ever wanted. They cut the beer half-and-half with the soda and created the radler, which is German for cyclist.

Basically, shandies are any mixture of beer and soda pop, usually at about fifty-fifty. And I fucking love them.

Short Answer: Here's a few other beer-related questions for further study:

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Question: Do you dress for success?

If success is fitting in with the garbage people.

I dress like a guy who wishes he could dress better, but has succumbed to the pressures of comfort and ball sack awareness. I basically wear a muga, which is my own invention. It's like a mumu, but I was too lazy to put it over my head so I slung it over my shoulder like a toga. Kinda looks like I'm wearing the curtains.

That's not true. Most of the time I don't wear anything at all. I'm pretty sure I'm a nudist. I think maybe in that way I'm dressing for success. Success of the pussy, that is!

Am I right? Guys? Anyone?

Short Answer: I'm pretty much a jeans and t-shirt guy. One time I put on a suit and every woman within three miles got pregnant.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Question: What signs are there on the road to single life?

Road signs? Sure, okay.

Besides the billboard that shows you crying onto your own penis while you masturbate, there's probably a few other, smaller signs. Things like "Stop touching yourself you have a job" and "Yield to everyone who has a life mate because you're a bigger piece of shit than they are" and "Merge with other losers" and "Kids at play who've been created by two people who love each other fucking something you won't ever get to do again and you'll die alone" and "Slippery when dry as a fucking bone."

I shouldn't have used quotations in all of the above examples. I'm too lazy to go fix it.

If you didn't mean road signs, the signs of impending singularity probably have a lot to do with other penises inside your girl's vagina/inside your guy's butt. A penis in the mouth doesn't necessarily mean things are over, unless you have some self-esteem, which you don't.

Short Answer: I guess No Exit is the same sign, except there's picture of you killing yourself by way of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Question: What do you do when you're in a hurry?

I hurry.

I feel like you might have missed some qualifier here. Do you mean when I'm in a hurry to write my blog? I usually go right for the boobs, just like when I'm presented with a naked lady.

In fact, this whole process is a lot like what happens when I'm with a naked lady. I get really excited, I start slow, I ramp up far too quickly and before you know it, everyone's wet and disappointed.

Short Answer: I do cop out on complex answers sometimes when I'm rushed. Check every time I've combined the word ass with another word for some examples of cheap thrills rather than solid posts. Or 'ass thrills'.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Question: Stroumboulopoulos as a hockey guy - what's up with that?

I'm gonna admit that I haven't watched him enough to be positive about my opinion. But I do have one.

I think it's weird. Besides the fact that he's a little hectic, he doesn't seem to add much analysis. It's like he's just there to be the host, which is fine I guess, but every time I see him he sticks out as less of a hockey guy than everyone around him. I don't know, maybe other hosts are just better at hosting, or looking like hockey guys.

I'm actually being kinda nice. I have seen him quite a bit. It seems like he's just there to laugh, reinforce what the others are saying, and help with segways. I've never heard him add an opinion of his own that isn't contrived or from the perspective of the lowest common denominator.

I don't know how you're supposed to get street cred as a hockey guy, so it's not like I have a solution. Just say something that makes it sound like you're more than a fan. That's why we listen. We're the fans; you do the intense thinking and present us with stuff that we can ponder. Not our job.

Maybe that's what they were going for. Put a fan in the seat.

Short Answer: Yea. What's up with that?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Question: Are you going to watch the SuperBowl? Who will win?

Yes. I always watch the SuperBowl. You might see Janet Jackson's tit.

The Denver Broncoes will win the SuperBowl 16-14, cementing Peyton Manning's legacy as the greatest quarterback of all time - is what my heart tells me to say.

My head says that Carolina's defense is nearly as good as Denver's and the x-factor of Cam Newton's running will be the difference maker.

I hope my heart is right.

Short Answer: I think we'll all be winners today watching a slow, defensive, low-scoring SuperBowl with Coldplay at half-time with special guest, not Katy Perry's boobs and a retarded shark.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Question: Who will win the Stanley Cup this year?

I have a feeling that my core fans don't like when I get hockey questions. Is that just a feeling or am I being weird? I mean, what are the chances there are this many people out there who like to hear me rant about all the things I rant about as well as timely blocks and faceoff percentage?

Whatever. I suppose this thing perpetrates itself. Is that even a thing, what I just said?


Short Answer: Not Montreal. Wah-wahhhhhh. (That isn't me crying, that's the noise of something bad happening. You know, wah-wah. Wah-wah! Wah-wah!)

Friday, February 5, 2016

Question: I have a friend coming in to town and he's going to ask to stay with me any day now. I don't want him to. How should I handle this delicate situation?

Honesty is always the best policy unless there's a chance that you might get laid. Then getting laid is the best policy because you get sauce on your willy.

So if it's someone you can do sex to - and by can I mean do they have a hole that opens - you should stop being a virulent pussy and let that fucker stay with you. Otherwise, woman up and be honest about that shit.

I've let people stay with me before when I don't want them too. It sucks. And they didn't blow me at all.

Short Answer: I know being honest isn't funny, but it makes the world a much clearer place.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Question: I'd like to put my peanut butter in your jam.

Stay away from my jam, dude.

Ha! That sounds like something from an awesome, never-before-seen C&C Music Factory video. Like right before the song starts, the super ripped dude walks out onto a white stage, tips down his ray bans and says, "Stay away from my jam, dude."

And then shit gets real!

Short Answer: You couldn't handle my jam, fella. I'd make you sweat 'till you bleed.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Question: Should I be cool ghost or just flat-out haunt? What would you do?

Do you mean cool like Vinnie Barbarino?

I don't think it matters if you're a cool ghost. I don't think anyone gives a shit. I've never heard someone say, "I've got the coolest ghost at my house. He smokes and makes wicked nachos."

Haunting people is a dick move. But what else are ghosts for? Are they just your loved ones hanging out and watching over you? Bullshit. A family can barely stay in civil proximity for the length it takes to have a holiday meal. You think any one of them wants to float near any other one for longer than two hours?

In fact, I'll bet many hauntings are just passed-on relatives getting a last dig in at their disappointing nephew or their whore daughter.

As for what I would do, I'd be a cool ghost. I'm impossibly cool, a near unstoppable force of coolness; even an ectoplasm suit couldn't stop me.

Short Answer: I'd 'haunt' in the way that peeping toms 'just hang out near your shower'.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Question: What is the protocol for when the drainage ditch behind your house suddenly fills with stagnant red goo?

It concerns me how specific this is.

Here's the deal. You or someone like you/near you/living with you has murdered a human being. Don't worry. There are simple steps to follow that will ensure your safety.

1. Is it you? Then don't ask this question on a blog read by tens of people.
2. Is it not you? Figure it out quick or you're next, pal.

If it's a family member, who am I to tell you how to deal with it? (Murder them.)
If it's a neighbor, best put your head down and hope that they didn't see you gawking. It also might help to make sure the other people living in your neighborhood are still around. If the killer is just taking out neighbors, as a neighbor, that's something you should probably know.

The stagnancy of the goo is probably relevant. You might have already completely slept through their murderous rage and it might've just been a one-time murder. You're in the clear! However, it could be the stagnancy associated with keeping a person you murdered for a while so you can braid its hair and suck its toes. If that's the case, you're still within the zone of terror for this crazy fucker.

Short Answer: In summary, braid your own hair and remove your toes. Best not to tempt the Neighborhood Neighbor Killer.