Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Question: I bet you have beautiful balls. Do you have beautiful balls?

Get ready to be disappointed, young attractive female.

No one has beautiful balls. Shave 'em, trim 'em, oil 'em, bounce 'em on the linoleum, balls aren't getting any less ball-looking anytime soon.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone could think any pair of balls could be attractive. They're like two giant walnuts covered in grease and mole-hair. They're like under-inflated beach balls with a perm. They're like...well, no, the first example was piercingly accurate so I'll stop.

Having said all that, my balls are pretty cute. Compared to other things we never want to get our faces too close to, like spiders or anthrax, they're adorable. If you lined up a bunch of similar dudes for comparison, my pouch isn't overly swarthy or coifed, not too wrinkled or intimidating, not quite like a baby's or a full grown man's. All in all, my balls are relatively cute.

But beautiful is a stretch. If you don't know what I mean, picture me grabbing a section of my nutsack and pulling it further than one might expect possible. Which is totally possible.

Short Answer: Look, I get it. You wanna suck 'em. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I often look at myself in the mirror and think, "I'd like to suck that guy's balls." There's more to this story which involves me getting a devastating back-cramp but you don't need to hear about it.

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