Monday, January 4, 2016

Question: 2016 won't get off my lawn, any advice?

Hmmm. Is it possible that you meant 2015 won't get off your lawn? Because I'm finding it hard to relate to this. Are you already angry, a mere four days into 2016, that things aren't going the way you'd hoped? Are you truly shaking your fist at the New Year? Keeping its Frisbee? Threatening to call its parents or the cops?

Here's some advice. Try masturbating. Shake that fist whilst it clutches your old balls and relieve some tension. Or maybe get a hobby that involves not hating on years. That must be a lot of work, to be angry at time as it blankets you, to have no recourse against its complete and utter ignorance of your presence.

Take some solace that 2016 is on all of our lawns. It's like Santa Clause's dog, taking a shit in everyone's yard in a single, glorious night, forcing us to wake up to large, steaming piles of future possibility.

Masturbation? Check. Dog feces? Check.

Short Answer: Complaining is fun until it cripples you emotionally.

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