Sunday, January 31, 2016

Question: What do balls have to say about cycling?

Hmmmm.


Imagine you're with a friend. You've crawled inside a bean bag chair and stood up, side by side. Now you try to walk through a door that's barely wide enough to fit through. The sides of the door jam keeping smooshing you together and you have to take little runs at it, one at a time.


Sounds pretty fun, right?


Oh, but also the bean bag smells like someone's sweaty fuckin' nuts.


Short Answer: They can't say much. Their only choice for communication is sending out an inappropriate surge/arc of seminal fluid.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Question: Why are juice cleanses a thing?

Because people are dumb.


You need fibre, people. Big time. That's why drinking only the juice from your fruits and vegetables is pretty stupid. Do you think there are toxins in the fibrous part of a fucking celery stick?


Long term study could yield some positive results, but don't expect it. Your body isn't full of toxins; that's what your liver's for. And as for good stuff, like vitamins, juice cleanses are more likely to leave you behind on some of that intake, including a lack of salt which can fuck you up.


Whatever the juice cleanse does - even lowering cholesterol for some - all those levels return to normal when you go back to your regular diet.


Like most things where someone is selling you a new idea to make money, there's not much to this. It's probably placebo effect if it makes you feel good.


Short Answer: Fasting could have benefits, but the 'juice cleanse' is a strange way to go about it.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Question: What's your idea of hard work?

Dealing with people.


I get that ten hours in the quarry is pretty rough on the old lats, but to me, physical work has always been less strenuous than emotional work. In fact, the few times I've done physical work to a degree that it could be considered hard, I thought myself into oblivion the entire time and eclipsed the physical stress with the mental.


Hard work is being near another person and trying not to strangle them. It's trying to understand them and be understood. It's trying to judge at the appropriate time without being overly judgemental. It's about protecting yourself and your emotions without torpedoing a chance at genuine, emotional interaction. It's about trying to tell the truth in the face of lies. It's about agendas and motivations and possible malice.


Jesus. I'm getting tired from just thinking of these.


I've had days where my own work is very difficult. A day when you immerse yourself creatively in a project for a long time can be exhausting. Only artists seem to get this so I won't harp on it, but suffice it to say we're not all bitchy prima donnas. It's a real thing that thinking and creating is difficult work.


Short Answer: My struggle is that I know by being open, happy and gregarious I can create genuine moments with people, but that doesn't necessarily motivate me because I so deeply fear the negative. I don't appreciate having to be a certain way just to cut down the percentage chance that someone will be a d-bag near me, and I'll be reminded that I live in a world full of stupid, pathetic assholes.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Question: You've been doing this for a long time. Do you have any favourite questions that people have asked over the years? Also, are there certain types of questions that you hate answering? I imagine it's tough maintaining the commitment to answer every question, no matter what. Surely there are some that you would much rather skip or ignore. Like this one.

Yes. I've been doing this for a while.


I don't have any favourite questions, really. It doesn't work like that from my end. There are no good questions or bad questions. I read a question and I get inspired in one direction or another, or I don't get inspired at all. If I do, and I write a good answer, then I may remember that answer. So in theory I do have favorite answers. What are they? I don't fucking know. I've done nearly 1900 or these fucking things.


I know you were making a joke at the end, but these are my least favorite types of questions. Logistical questions lead my brain to logistical answers, cutting out the opportunity to be creative and funny from the word go. My only options with a question like this - if I don't get some random, wild inspiration - are to answer it as best I can or mock the person for asking it. You don't seem like you deserved to be mocked, so I'm doing my best.


Asshole.


But I don't hate answering anything. It's part of the setup, part of the gig, that the impetus comes from the universe and I do what comes naturally. It's not always going to be gold, and I'm not always going to be able to flawlessly include the word impetus.


As for maintaining commitment, it's not hard at all. I just do it. If I held my self to a higher standard, and had to write uproariously funny bits every single day, that would be different. But I don't. Sometimes I do a pretty shitty job, and that's part of it too. This whole thing is just more interactive and more fun than journal writing, or some other stupid exercise I would have to do every morning to get my writing muscles greased. I'd love to turn this shit into a book someday, but if that day never comes this was a good time and a useful tool.


I think, perhaps, even more than logistical questions, I dislike the comedians. You know when you're at a party and you make a joke, and then maybe someone else makes another joke, and things are just great, and then someone makes the generic, shit-joke that runs everyone's buzz? Sometimes I get questions that are trying to be funny, and that's bad for two reasons. First, if they are funny, then what am I supposed to do? I might not be inspired to make a follow-up joke, and I'm kinda forced to risk being that guy who kills the fun. Second, is when it's not funny at all, and then I have to make it funny or just make fun of you.


I guess what I really don't like is choice. I want a flash, a reaction, a read and react situation.


Short Answer: This answer is long because your question is long, and this short answer will also be slighter longer than it should have been for the same reason. In summary: I don't have favorite questions, I have favorite answers. You're an asshole. This question is a knob of dick butter. I don't like when people try to be funny at me because it fucks up my job. Impetus. Useful tool. Dick butter.


Note: Just below is a post I did for the Question: What are your top ten, top ten lists from these past 3 years of being asked anything? from 2013. By definition, they must be some of my favorite answers.


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/10/question-what-are-your-top-ten-top-ten.html

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Question: I bet you have beautiful balls. Do you have beautiful balls?

Get ready to be disappointed, young attractive female.


No one has beautiful balls. Shave 'em, trim 'em, oil 'em, bounce 'em on the linoleum, balls aren't getting any less ball-looking anytime soon.


I find it very hard to believe that anyone could think any pair of balls could be attractive. They're like two giant walnuts covered in grease and mole-hair. They're like under-inflated beach balls with a perm. They're like...well, no, the first example was piercingly accurate so I'll stop.


Having said all that, my balls are pretty cute. Compared to other things we never want to get our faces too close to, like spiders or anthrax, they're adorable. If you lined up a bunch of similar dudes for comparison, my pouch isn't overly swarthy or coifed, not too wrinkled or intimidating, not quite like a baby's or a full grown man's. All in all, my balls are relatively cute.


But beautiful is a stretch. If you don't know what I mean, picture me grabbing a section of my nutsack and pulling it further than one might expect possible. Which is totally possible.


Short Answer: Look, I get it. You wanna suck 'em. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I often look at myself in the mirror and think, "I'd like to suck that guy's balls." There's more to this story which involves me getting a devastating back-cramp but you don't need to hear about it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Question: Hashtag You suck.

I present to the crown case number 1849, bringing to the court's attention that it is quite possibly the asker of this question who sucks, and not the accused.


First of all, the asker wrote 'hashtag' rather than use an actual hashtag. Also hashtag is not a word. It's spelled hash tag. Also writing hashtag or hash tag is only funny when done like this: #hashtag.


Secondably, the 'y' in 'you' is capitalized. This is incorrect and means the asker bangs goats.


And for my final piece of evidence, the asker didn't even ask a question, therefore not even qualifying as an asker. Rather, I suggest, the asker is just some douche with no time to learn learnings.


Short Answer: As the proposed asker didn't bother to show up for his trial, turns out he's guilty. By the way, I'm the judge. You are in fact a goat fucker, and are sentenced to getting fucked, in turn, by goats.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Question: If your life was a musical, which one would it be?

Balls and Dongs! We're just a bunch of crazy Balls and Dongs!


Oh wait, that's not the actual words to Guys and Dolls. That's from the Simpson's version. Another proof of the cultural impact of that show. I wonder how many people out there actually think they say that in the musical?


(Google Search Answer: A lot.)


My joke doesn't really work, now, because the real lyrics to Guys and Dolls imply more of a separation of ball and state, so to speak. Instead of a bunch of something, where a joke like balls and dongs would be appropriate, it talks about how no matter what a guy is doing, he's doing it for some doll. It doesn't even mention anything that inherently joins the two into a bunch, like the part of the body between the balls and the dong, which I'd like to call the ballpit but can't because it was co-opted by Chuck E. Cheese.


I guess my life isn't really like Guys and Dolls. And though it's believable that my life is surrounded by balls, dongs and dicktaint (?), it's not a real musical.


I like singing and I like the rain, and I can cut a pretty good rug out of a larger rug, but that song always makes me think of A Clockwork Orange, so it doesn't seem like a fair answer. And Hello Dolly just gets me horny for be-laced milfs with parasols. (Really? We have to spellcheck milfs at this point? Isn't it so accepted that there are other ilfs? Like gilfs?)


Proof that you shouldn't have to spellcheck milfs anymore:


Tilfs - Teachers I'd like to fuck
Lilfs - Librarians I'd like to fuck
Lilithilfs - Wanting to fuck Frazier's ex-wife Lilith
CirquedeSolilfs - A desire to have sex with a circus performer because they wore such tight close during their act that you feel like you kinda already did.
Gmilfs - Suprisingly, garbage men.
Wdilfs - Wiener dogs I'd like to fold into a hotdog bun. Not sex, but still.
Hgilfs - Horse genitals I'd like to fondle. They're right there. It's like they've been waiting for me.
Mcilfs - Both wanting to fuck a talented rapper (see: guy who does the humpty dance song) and wanting to do a microwaved cantaloupe.
Silf - Sandwich I'd like to fuck. That's a real one. I love America.
Barfilf - You know what? Some things are better left acronymized.


Short Answer: What the fuck was the question again?

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Question: Why does my back hurt?

This is what you get for asking your wife to ask you a question.


Because you deserve it!


Short Answer: Maybe if you were a little more free with your time (anal) your karma wouldn't be so terrible.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Question: Are you excited about the Suicide Squad movie?

In December of 2014 I was asked a pre-emptive question about this.


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2014/12/question-they-got-all-those-people-for.html


Things have changed.


I'm very excited about this movie having seen the latest trailer. Jared Leto's Joker is looking mighty interesting, and the tone seems fun.


Most important is the director.


David Ayer has been fucking killing it. End of Watch in 2012 and Fury in 2014 were both excellent. What's most encouraging is that the people at DC would think to hire this guy at all. He's clearly the sort of director that was going to bring his own vision. This bodes well for the DC movies if they leave directors alone to do what they do best, completing their concepts without having to adhere to any strict guidelines. I don't know if this is the case, but its looking good.


I don't expect Suicide Squad to live up to recent Marvel fair, but that doesn't mean it can't be a good time, and help push the DC universe along in a positive fashion. Seems like every time DC starts up, they have a bomb that kills everything. For that matter, Bats vs Supes better be pretty frigging good or they could find themselves cancelling a whole lot of big plans.


Short Answer: Too bad they lost Tom Hardy. That would've been nuts.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Question: How do I know if my trunk is haunted?

This one's easy. If you're an elephant and you're capable of asking this question by operating some sort of computer or phone, your trunk is haunted as fuck.


Oh, wait. Trunk means other things.


Though I still think this was asked by a terrified pachyderm, let's assume someone means trunk like a place where they find their father's old baseball glove in a shitty movie.


You know your trunk is haunted if:


A) It contains an old picture of someone, but in the picture they look the same age as they do now.
B) There's an ancient book in it that exposits all the important plot connections in your story.
C) It walks.
D) When you open it, it spills water on the floor. In fact, it's full of brackish water and when you get your face close, a drowned child's hand reaches up and grasps you while a symphony plays a big scary note.
E) It's full of screams.
F) Anyone was killed anywhere near it ever. And I mean near. Like if there was an industrial accident next door, or if someone got run over by a backhoe down the street a ways.
G) You hear trunk-singing in the night.
H) At the same time, each and every night, you wake with the urge to go to the trunk.
I) When you sit on it, someone thumps from underneath, like you're being rude.
J) Every time you leave the room that houses the trunk, you're dressed like a woman. But in the creepy way, with lip-stick smeared lazily across your face.


Short Answer: You know your trunk is haunted if when you try to blow water out of it, big-eared ghosts escape instead and they go: "wooooooooooooo" instead of "Bawaarrhhraaa!"

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Question: What should I wear to a funeral I am somewhat responsible for causing?

I have some experience with this.


You're probably okay with a standard dark suit unless that is somehow related to the person's death. Like if you were going dark suit shopping that day, and you picked him up and got into a car crash. Or if it was a child that you were playing hide and seek with and it suffocated under a dark suit.


That's probably enough examples. A kid died in that last one.


Short Answer: What you don't want to wear is a t-shirt that says 'Sorry, my bad.' Or crocs. Never fucking wear crocs.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Question: Have you become?

I might think this was a cut-off sentence, but there is some punctuation right there at the end. And the right kind, too. The kind that makes me answer stuff.


This made me think of the Red Dragon from the Hannibal books/movie/tv-show. I'm pretty sure he becomes. And it's particularly tasteful.


I have not. Not once have I ever looked at myself in the mirror and watched myself sprout wings, or any other cool shit that would imply I am now a human painting that likes murders a lot. For the most part I see a guy who needs to bathe. And shave. And based on the expression on my face, poop.


So I suppose in that sense I become a clean, clean-shaven, bowel-empty person that did not exist beforehand. I have become...normal.


(shivers)


Short Answer: You know what I have become? Nicer. I used to think that the most important thing in the world was being yourself, and not letting other people change you. Being myself has been challenging over the years, and through the processes of personal choice and being beaten down by negative interactions, I've tried to be nicer. I've learned to adapt to the degradation of my original philosophy. I often wonder if it was a choice or a necessity of interacting with people. I still feel like myself, so I don't worry too much about becoming a kinder version, but I do worry that other people don't take the time to reflect on their own philosophies, to learn to alter themselves in positive ways, leaving me to pick up the slack for everyone around me. Big personalities out there (which I'm not sure I still am) will understand this. Because you're big, your flaws and effects are pointed out more than other people's, and you're forced to address these things to avoid causing pain and negativity. But when you see flaws in other people, you don't point them out or make a big deal. So it's possible that you're doing all the changing. And that doesn't seem fair.


I am becoming better. I take the time to see the changes, the evolution, the struggle. I analyse the interactions, my behaviour, the way I feel in important moments. I am becoming better.


Are you?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Question: Do you think ghosts poop?

This is my favorite question ever.


I've never ever thought about this. I'm gonna think hard about it right now.


I think they ejaculate. You know, ghost loads. I think maybe they spit? Like when you feel wet somewhere but it's not raining, that's probably a phantom loogie. And I think sometimes they slough off ectoplasm. We've all been spirit gooed at one time or another, am I right?


I just figured it out. If ghosts slowly steal our souls, sucking them through their over-wide black maws as we sleep, red eyes flaring in the darkness, then they must poop. They must do huge, tarry, soul poops.


What? Ghosts don't steal our souls? Well what are they for, then? Oh. They're not real? I see.


Short Answer: Real things poop. Ghosts don't poop. I must admit I am disappointed. I bet a soul poop would be super nasty. Like a KFC dump plus a baby dump, plus a used up hooker dump.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Question: I think my wife is cheating on me. How can I catch her?

Do you want to?


Here's a checklist.


Does she still bang you?


If the answer to all the above questions was yes, maybe chill out. Because if she isn't cheating on you and you make a big scene somewhere, you can uncheck that box in a hurry.


I guess you could follow her around like some creepy dude in a movie. Or you could hire a detective to watch her and take pictures of her like some creepy dude in a movie. Or you could sit in the corner in the dark and when she comes home you could turn on a dim lamp and surprise her with strange, soft-voiced questions like...well, you get the idea. Life ain't movies. Try asking her how she's doing once in a while. I guess, if you were really curious, you could slip in a telling question once she's comfortable, something subtle like, "How many fingers were inside you today?" (It's tricky because you will have counted how many fingers you yourself put inside her that day. Don't worry, you'll remember. It's usually between zero and six.)


Short Answer: You never know. If you bring it up with enough care and calm, you might end up getting a free pass to do some stuff on the side. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get to watch your wife get railed by a real man.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Question: How did you like Adam Driver on SNL?

I fucking love Adam Driver. That needs to be said right away.


Other than horror movies, rarely do I get to be the guy in my peer group that catches on to a talent first. I saw Adam Driver in Girls and thought he was absolutely spectacular, and have had no one to tell about it for years. Since, he's been in This Is Where I Leave You, which was a delight, and the recent Hungry Hearts which was the opposite of a delight but totally awesome. There were other less significant roles to be sure, but these two seemed to ignite a fan base.


Oh, and Star Wars I guess.


I thought Adam was good on SNL. My wife said something poignant beforehand when I said I was nervous for him (which is completely ridiculous but exemplifies my level of fandom). She said, "I can see him being the sort of guy that they don't know how to write for." I think she might have been onto something. Though Adam was competent to great in the sketches, some of them were host throwaways like the football announcer and the partying father. And then there was the porno sketch where he was great, but the jokes were written such that anyone could've pulled that off. Overall, I think he did a good job. Aladdin (due to Cecily Strong) and Undercover Boss were highlights for me.


Short Answer: I think he'll be just fine.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Question: Could you fix my car?

Hmmmm.  What to do? Supposed to act like a know-it-all who can handle anything...


Of course I can! I can call all kinds of mechanics and help relieve your stress with cunnilingus. Can't argue with that for a fix, can you?


As for whether or not I could diagnose the problem, I guess my advice would be to try unplugging it and plugging it back in.


Short Answer: It's a good thing oral sex solves all problems, otherwise I'd be a real useless twat.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Question: Where do you get off?

I don't usually take the bus. Near my house?


Short Answer: I'd rather not chat. I'm reading.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Question: What do you think of the Oscar Nominations this year?

I've actually seen a few of the movies this time, so I'm not as in the dark as I normally am going in. Love the Tom Hardy for The Revenant nomination. That's my favorite.


People are angry about only white fuckers being nominated again. I'm of two minds (which I'm allowed to be because I'm white) on what this means. Either the Academy is horribly racist, or they're good at picking the best performances without allowing race to be a factor. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in between, because they've sure as fuck proven they aren't perfect when it comes to picking the best performances. (See Tom Hardy last year in Locke.)


Short Answer: In conclusion, Tom Hardy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Question: Do you walk funny after sex?

I don't think you're doing it right if you don't.


Wait. Is this just a joke about whether or not I put things in my butt? 'Cause the jokes on you, buddy. I totally do.


Short Answer: I straight up silly-walk Monty Python style to the bathroom after each and every copulation.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Question: What do you think of CM Punk's rating in the new UFC game?

Okay. Here's the catch-up.


CM Punk was a professional wrestler. He thought the people who ran WWE were dicks and he left. Then he signed some sort of contract with UFC and has been training in mixed martial arts. He's never fought in the octagon.


In the new game, UFC 2, I think, he's got an 85 out of 100 rating. People are annoyed because he's never really competed.


Here's the thing.


Fuck you.


You think UFC got involved in the CM Punk business because he was going to be great in the octagon and make a ton of money winning? No. It's a brand thing. CM Punk is good for business, and that means playing to the many fans who will pick up this game just to play as CM Punk, fans who would be disappointed if he was totally shitty.


It hurts no one. Calm the fuck down.


Short Answer: Like those ratings mean shit anyway.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Question: What would you like to say about David Bowie?

Saying it all with tears.


Short Answer: Been connecting with Bowie's music more the older I get. I think his death would've felt untimely no matter when it happened, which is quite a compliment. He was always going to be at the peak of his importance to someone. The fact that the world thrashed, hoping this was a hoax, says much of his passing.


Note: Thought I'd include this, my initial thought when I heard this morning:


"I once said that if aliens came and we needed to send a representative, someone to exemplify the best of us, all our creativity and boldness and individuality, I'd send Bowie. As of today, we're boned if aliens come. Weak."

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Question: How is your short game?

Not as good as my long game!


Keyooooooooooooouosuygousoghhloooooooooooooooo!


Short Answer: (Singing) Asssskkk yoourrrrr motherrrrr's...haaaaaaaaaaairrrrrrr!


*Translation: I'm good at sex with my big penis and I finished on your mom's head.


Note: I don't play golf.
Double Note: I did once or twice. I was really good.
Tertiary Note: Sunk a thirty foot putt followed by a club flip and retirement.


Long drawn out musing: I think I might be masturbating too much. Or watching too much porn on my phone. I feel like I've been writing a lot about semen over the past month, and often about your mother in relation to said semen. Also, my short answers used to be short. What's with all these notes and afterthought jokes? Or are they really part of the same, larger joke? Is this just my long game?

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Question: Do you have an income?

Do you have a codpiece? Any sort of protection down there at all? Do you like getting kicked straight in the balls? Do you enjoy being doubled over in pain while someone pees in your earhole? Do you like being sent streaming video of a masked man pleasuring your mother with a half-eaten carrot? Do you enjoy coming face to face with photo-copied pictures of your own butthole at work? Do you strangle babies? Puppies? Old ladies while crossing the street without help? Do you steal from the poor and give to the rich? Do you hide under children's beds and grab their feet in the night? Do you ask horrible questions that make people feel bad about themselves?


Short Answer: I'm a millionaire.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Question: Top Ten things you want to hear at a bar.

10) Sorry it's so dead in here. I guess I'll just let you drink for free and not ever try to start a conversation with you. Oh, and here's the remote so you can change between the MMA and the boxing pay-per-views. Feel free to smoke and just turn your hips to pee on the floor.


Wait, that's also number one. It's all of them. Because it's the only way that I would ever hang out at a bar for more time than it takes my friend to get his coat because he's done his shift.


Short Answer: If I had the pay-per-view at home for free, I'd stay home. Even free booze isn't better than my own couch.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Question: If science can make a dragon, should science make a dragon?

The minute after science declares it can make a dragon, expect me to be at the door of the lab, pounding away, asking why they've already wasted a minute.


What's science good for if it doesn't eventually make dragons? It's the one thing god didn't make. (Shut-up, unicorn people. The dragon people are talking. Back to the little table)


Science should do all the things. Making dragons could end up curing cancer. We don't know! Do you like cancer? Do you hate dragons so much that you wish people kept getting cancer? Who is the monster here, you or the dragons. It's you!


I'm a dragon rider. I just know it. I've always been. That's why I'm such a fuck-up and a failure and a disappointment to everyone except my favorite whore Bertha who always says that 'baby do me right' and I'm pretty sure it's against the law for hookers to lie. Don't you see? Dragon riding is my calling. I think I might even be a dragon riding jouster. Definitely not a struggling author. A yet to be discovered king of the sky lists! (That'll be a thing when there's dragons. Look it up.)


Short Answer: Hmmm. What if it turns out I'm just the guy who walks behind the dragon and scoops up its poop? Yeah!!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Question: What about hoes?

I think if you have a garden they're a necessity. Otherwise, not many people need hoes nowadays. The urban sprawl has taken out most of the hobbyists, and those who persist often use small hand tools rather than a proper hoe.


On a grander scale, farming has been so industrialized that simple implements like the hoe have grown irrelevant. Though there are huge machines that one could call 'mega-hoes' or 'multi-hoes' the day of using a hoe all day are long gone. Now, using a hoe is spot work, if one even uses a hoe at all.


I feel your pain on this one. The day of the hoe is in the rear view. Those times when we'd pick up a hoe and get to work, grasp a good, strong hoe in our sweaty fingers and take care of the day's business, they are in the past. When we'd get lost in the act of hoeing and get dirt from god knows where caked into the palms of our hands, picking it out of our fingernails while having dinner with our ignorant wives while they wonder where all the money goes. Coca-Cola and hoes, she accuses on occasion, but you shrug it off, saying it's preposterous. Who needs to buy a hoe when you have a mega-hoe at home, you say.


Short Answer: One time I bought a hoe and it didn't perform as well as I wanted. I tried to return it but the guy at Home Depot hit me in the face with his fancy hat and told me to 'step-off'. Now I just do my hoe shopping on the internet like everyone else.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Question: How do I get involved in the penguin community?

Based on this blog's content and the folks who participate, I'm going to rightfully assume that a penguin is some sort of sex group, like bears or wombats.


Is this an interracial thing? Like a community of black chicks who dig on white dudes or something?


Sorry, pal, I don't see race. I don't even understand when people say that Captain Kirk fucked green chicks. I'm like, what green chicks? I only saw strong, independent aliens, bro.


I suppose it's also possible that it's not a race thing. That being a penguin just means you waddle up to the bed, flop around without using your arms while doing it, then finish all over your own feet.


What is it with ejaculate lately? Is it just me? For like a month now, these questions keep leading to someone finishing on something. Is it possible that I've become...semen obsessed? (When I wrote that I heard dramatic music. It occurs to me that you did not. My bad.)


I just thought of something way worse. What if the penguin community is people who mix dookies into their sex play? Gross!


In looking back over this answer, I realize that the question could've been about penguins. The actual flightless bird, not the interracial sex or the turds and cum kind. I wonder if they'll use this post against me in court when someone eventually tries to get me committed.


Short Answer: In general I think it's lame when people say they're 'crazy'. It's a way to feel special, separate from the herd of normals. But for all those out there who think they're whacky and different, I pose to you a simple question. Did you see the word penguin and think of coming on a piece of shit?

Monday, January 4, 2016

Question: 2016 won't get off my lawn, any advice?

Hmmm. Is it possible that you meant 2015 won't get off your lawn? Because I'm finding it hard to relate to this. Are you already angry, a mere four days into 2016, that things aren't going the way you'd hoped? Are you truly shaking your fist at the New Year? Keeping its Frisbee? Threatening to call its parents or the cops?


Here's some advice. Try masturbating. Shake that fist whilst it clutches your old balls and relieve some tension. Or maybe get a hobby that involves not hating on years. That must be a lot of work, to be angry at time as it blankets you, to have no recourse against its complete and utter ignorance of your presence.


Take some solace that 2016 is on all of our lawns. It's like Santa Clause's dog, taking a shit in everyone's yard in a single, glorious night, forcing us to wake up to large, steaming piles of future possibility.


Masturbation? Check. Dog feces? Check.


Short Answer: Complaining is fun until it cripples you emotionally.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Question: You missed a day bro, should we be worried ?

Ah. Someone noticed.


That was actually a super weird situation. I took a week off from my other writerings, and was sort of back and forth on the idea of taking some time off from the blog. But the blog, being what it is, doesn't have to be time consuming, so I kept answering as long as I felt like it.


On that particular day, I'd written a blog post on my phone and forgot to share it to Facebook. The next morning, when I went to write a new one, I faced the dilemma of posting two on Facebook, or just never sharing the previous night's work. In a fit of holiday 'I don't give a shits' I shared the already completed post and walked away from my stunned monitor.


Wasn't an all-in decision or a strategy, just a chill moment where it didn't seem to matter. Surprised it doesn't happen more often, to be honest.


Short Answer: Maybe you should be worried. Not bothering seems to suit me.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Question: Have you ever looked up tryptophobia? I advise you not to

We would have been at quite an impasse here if I didn't know everything.


I didn't have to look it up. It doesn't exist, so there would be no point.


I'll have to assume you're talking of trypophobia, the fear of holes, especially naturally occurring ones. (Gross.)


I don't have that. And looking it up is in no way traumatising unless you do have that.


The only holes I fear are ones that are positively runny with diseases of the sexually transmitted kind, which by the way would be a great name for a Close Encounters of the Third Kind themed porno.


Short Answer: I advise you, sir!

Friday, January 1, 2016

Question: Every time I see or hear anything regarding these so-called "hoverboards" I want to nut-punch someone. Know what I mean?

Seems to me like all they've done is provide joy. People keep falling off of them and cranking their asses to our delight.


If you're mad because they're calling them hoverboards and they don't really hover, you're dumb. That's marketing, and it's pretty brilliant if you ask me.


Anti-grav technology exists, it's just not profitable yet for it to be used for personal transport. Don't be sad. Movies aren't real, but at least the science exists to support the possibility. There are a shit ton of amazing technologies out there pulled straight from sci-fi universes that could be viable in the next few years. Jetpacks and self-driving cars already exist, just to name a few. And how far are we away from a robot butler with a working vagina? You can already strap your Fleshlight to your Rhumba and have a pretty good lap party.


Short Answer: Just watch the Mike Tyson video where he gets punched out by Little Mac. No need to take it out on nuts, son.