Saturday, December 31, 2016

Question: What are you doing for New Year's Eve?

We're going to play pin the tail on the Keith. That's what my wife keeps calling it, at least. It's a bit of a story so I'll try to keep it short.

Anal sex is something that people often think of as going one way in a heterosexual relationship. I am one of those people, and on occasion, have even invoked this clause to avoid having backdoor trauma visited upon my poor, virgin hiney. This year, my wife decided that it was time to have my be-hymen torn down, and said that New Year's Eve would be the perfect setting. Drunk, excited and late at night, she promised that after years of my sexual proclivities, she would explore a proclivity of her own.

I said, "Hey. My be-hymen has been broken already, I'm sure of it. GI Joes went up there. Pennies went up there. Fingers - my own and those belonging to others. That time we played the bandana game. This is old news."

She shrugged, then nodded, then shrugged again. This gesture was in no way reassuring.

Then at Christmas time, I opened a present that resembled a snow blower with the devil's penis attached to the end, and I understood what shrug-nod-shrug really means. It means, "I don't care what you think, you're going to get fucked in the ass, I'm indifferent to your eminent howls of discomfort."

This was only fair, I've been made to comprehend post Devil Blower reveal. "When have you ever been uncomfortable in your entire life?" she asked. "When have I ever asked you to do anything you don't want to do?"

So there it is. My wife's lifetime of good deeds and generous allowances has finally come back to haunt me. Tonight, I meet my fate. Tonight, I join with the Devil Blower. Tonight, I wake the neighbors with my cries of agony, knowing all the while that it's only fair.

Short Answer: My New Year's Resolution will likely have something to do with not trying to put my penis everywhere all the time, because there are gasoline-fueled consequences. May you all sit comfortably in the new year!

Friday, December 30, 2016

Question: I bet you can't insult me.

You're a gangly nimrod.

What happened here, is that I win. Here's why. I just insulted you. Whether or not you feel insulted is irrelevant. Here's another insult: the way you asked the question inflicts a defeat upon you before we've even begun.

Nice shoes, gravy boat.

There's another one. Did it makes sense? Do you feel hurt? Are you crying? Doesn't matter. The act of the insult is all.

I guess you would have had to say, "You can't make me feel insulted." Then, there would be no debate.

Here's another one. Even had you written your 'question' the way I just suggested, you'd still lose, because this is not a back and forth situation. You're handing me the reins, and I can call your horse a stupid asshole all I want, and you can't do anything about it.

Your horse is a stupid asshole. Your face is the kind of face that makes dry heaving feel like the better option.

Also, you have a small penis/large vagina.

Short Answer: All in all, you may be right. But here's a universal insult just in case you think I couldn't pull this off face to face. Your insecurities are obvious and they make you unlikeable. Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Question: Are you still alive?

This can be taken a couple of ways.

First, I took two days off in a row, something I rarely do. If that was the intention of this question, then yes, I'm still alive. It's Christmas, and I got to thinking that I don't care so much about my responsibilities at the moment. Did you really miss me that much?

Second, everyone awesome and famous is dying, so I might go next. I'm sorry to say, that it's true. You are the only one left. Everyone else is dead. You knew this was coming. Good luck surviving all alone on the planet. Don't forget that canned food does expire eventually, and so does gasoline.

Short Answer: I figure next year we can all go skydiving and bungee jumping and eat improperly prepared puffer fish because no one's going to die. The Reaper doubled his quota this year and he's taking next year off. Good time to get your murders in, too!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Question: Happy Holidays, Keith!

I asked my wife, "What's something to write about on Christmas? What's funny?"

She said, "The Yule log?"

This is my life. You're lucky I ever crawl out of the gutter far enough to make any sort of intelligent exhalation that isn't carried on a thick, deep burp.

Short Answer: Merry Christmas, everyone.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Question: Merry Christmas!(?)!

"Every cookie you've ever bought me contributed to my butt mass." - my wife, who has considerable butt mass.

A perfectly timed comedic pause later: "Merry Buttmass!"

Short Answer: "It's Buttmass Eve!"

Friday, December 23, 2016

Question: What movies do you watch at Christmas time?

Some of these Christmas questions are piling up, so I'm going to have to answer them, despite the fact that they're repeats.

I'll try to keep it entertaining by placing some jokes in between the links. Like sausages with a smattering of used condom casings.

Actually, now that I look at it, I linked to the other movie answer within that answer, so I guess I don't need to do anything else. I'll still do at least one joke. Here goes.

Why did the finger cross the road? Because there was an empty butt on the other side.

Short Answer: Fingers go in butts. I didn't make that shit up. Just because you missed the obvious punch line doesn't mean I'm the sick one. I'm fine!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Question: What's the best thing you could receive for Christmas this year?

Book deal?

Either that, or the promise that I'll make it through the entire calendar year without doing that thing where I pour a clear liquid into a glass I don't think was used for milk, but then halfway through drinking, I become painfully aware that the glass was in fact last used for milk.

Short Answer: Does it make me a horrible piece of shit that the best thing I could receive is money? I don't want it for frivolous spending; just so I can continue writing books and hanging onto the dream. I guess that doesn't make it much better. I suppose I'll just have herpes again like last year. It wasn't so bad. My wife never even caught it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Question: Christmas...something, something...Christmas?

This is perfect for my mood today, and I've been wanting to find a way to post this:

That's the December 24, 2014 Question: Happy Christmas Eve, Ask Keith Anything! The answer is my Top 15 Christmas posts.

Short Answer: Kill all the time you want, fuckers.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Question: How do you feel about Kwanzaa?

I have no feelings whatsoever about Kwanzaa.

This is the appropriate answer.

Did you think I was going to stick my foot in some sort of racially charged mire with this question? Fuck you, then. I only have two feet. How many more feet can be enmired at one time? No many, that's how!

Short Answer: I wish I could celebrate Kwanzaa. It keeps the party going between Christmas and New Years.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Question: What's the best Christmas present you ever recieved?

A couple of things come to mind.

When I was young, I thought my parents didn't have much money. (They actually did quite well for themselves, so I guess I just have a pauper's heart.)

In this particular case, I was about eleven or twelve, and I wanted cowboy boots because that was trendy at the time. My mom straight up told me they couldn't afford them. Then...boom! Cowboys boots on Christmas morning!

That probably plays second fiddle to the year the Nintendo Entertainment System came out. I had an Atari 2600 at the time, and because I knew we'd never afford the new, fandangled NES, I asked for the latest Double Dragon game for Atari. Then...boom! NES for Christmas!

(Never did get Double Dragon. Buncha assholes.)

One year, when I was a little younger, I woke to the sound of reindeer on my roof. I went out to the living room to see if Santa had already been, and there was a bike next to the tree for me. That was a pretty sweet moment, with all the quiet, snow white, Christmas magic a little boy could stuff into his quick-beating heart.

Short Answer: Shout out to my friend Mark who gave my wife and I Camp Arawak t-shirts last year, the camp in the movie Sleepaway Camp. That was a badass present. And another shout out to something my wife gave me at some point. Nothing comes to mind, but I don't want my Christmas 'alternate orifice' privileges to be revoked.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Question: Nicki Minaj or Iggy Azalea?

I feel like this question was buried in my queue and has now surfaced a few years late. Has something new happened between these two, or something relevant that pits them against each other?

No? It's just a butt thing? Okay.

I have no problems whatsoever with whatever Iggy Azalea is doing, but in terms of their musical stylings, I prefer Nicki Minaj.

I have no problems whatsoever with whatever Iggy Azalea is doing with her butt, but in terms of butt stylings, I prefer Nicki Minaj.

Also, Nicki's fake boobs are pretty good as fake boobs go. And if they're not fake boobs - because I refuse to do any research for this - then good work with that whole thing.

Short Answer: I should dislike Nicki Minaj because of her diva behaviour on American Idol, but because she was next to Mariah Carey who was being way worse, it softened the blow. Kind of like if you fell out of a plane, and landed on Nicki's bottom.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Question: Oh, Christmas Tree, oh, Christmas you go!'re made of something toxic.

...the star on your head is my bumhole. look like you were decorated with the things a homeless lady could spare. the second example you're inside me.

...maybe it's being glossed over but I'm using you for sexual pleasure.

...the brushy aspect of your plastic branches, plus the fact that your top branch is hard and long, allows you to serve the purpose of reaching my A-spot with great efficacy.

...while I'm sitting on you, I can achieve climax by getting a second party to give me a phat reach around with my Rudolph hand-puppet.

...I'm got to the point where I can hold on, for just a second, and get my partner to turn the puppet on, so that right when I'm about to finish, Rudolph's nose lights up.

...that's when the tree is pulled out of my anus at great speed, and the mag-stripe of pleasure in my ass registers a gooooooood time.

....and to complete the process I sing 'fa-la-la-la-la' the way Bill Murray does in Scrooged.

Short Answer: Don't be sad, Christmas Tree. Everything goes up inside me eventually. That's a secret promise that gets made the moment you cross the threshold of my house. Ask anyone.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Question: Proletariat! Jump the fence, heathenous scum!!

Oh boy.

Earlier, I'm pretty sure I heard someone say 'truefully'.

I'm out.

Short Answer: These are supposed to be questions. Does anyone remember that?

Note: Truefully? Fuck.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Question: How much do you love the Kardashians?

Yeah! Christmas is the best!

I went shopping the other day, and it was awesome. I drove super far through this winter wonder land, then had a blast parking amongst the snow and slush (even though it took me twenty minutes to get a spot) and on the way home I sang out loud to the Christmas carols on the radio!

I love Christmas!

Short Answer: This time of year, I recommend replacing many proper nouns with the word Christmas. It makes for far better conversations. (By the way, did anyone notice Kim Christmas's big fat ass?)

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Question: What do I want for Christmas?

A promise of increased frequency of oral stimulation.

I know a promise might not sound like much, but hope that an empty promise may become half-filled (especially by saliva) is a pretty solid gift as well.

Everybody wants more mouth on their junk, whether they're afraid to admit it or not. Staring down the new year the way an eager pair of quivering lips stares down the barrel of a juicy, sexual organ is...wait, I lost my train of thought.

I...have to go.

Short Answer: Mouth sex!!!

Monday, December 12, 2016

Question: Can Santelephant fit down the chimney?

No. Santelephant isn't real. I'm sorry to break it to you. Those presents have been coming for your parents. Yes, the trunk, the horn, all of's from your folks. Santelephant is just a story we tell our kids so they'll believe in magic, and the concept that an elephant can dress itself.

Short Answer: Seriously, what the fuck, Internet?

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Question: How would you sum up 2016?

Old white guys take one last shot at the brass ring?

American icons die in a prelude to America itself taking a near fatal blow?

Uninformed morons propagate terrible hatred?

Everyone gets offended?

Freedom of speech gets confused with fear of criticism?

Racists take it out for a stroll?

America votes Orange, then realizes they've voted Green?, that's all pretty negative. I know people have been saying that 2016 sucked, but I never really thought about it. How can a whole year suck? And yet, with all the deaths and Brexits and Trumpstains, it's hard not to see it upon review.

To battle all this negativity, here are some of the good things about 2016:

I had sex with my wife over seven times.

Short Answer: That is all.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Question: Do you go angel or star for the top of your tree?

Is this a religious trap?

Why can't I believe in angels and still keep Christmas secular!?! Why won't you people let me live?!?

I've had this star for years. I don't know where it came from; it's red and gold and green and it looks kind of cheap and shitty and old. That's my go to. I don't think there's a single angel on my tree, or anywhere in my Christmas decorations. This isn't by design, but a lot of the stuff I have for decorating I inherited from my family, and they aren't very religious.

To be clear, my Iron Man ornament goes very near the top of the tree as well, and one year held the highest position. He's awesome because he's in full arched-back, speeding upwards pose, which makes him suitable for the job.

I have a Wolverine and a Captain America ornament as well, and those guys are kind of like angels, right?

Eeyore? Homer Simpson?

Short Answer: There are other stars on my tree, though, so they win out for sure. The only thing I have that's close to an angel is a delicate, faux-diamond snowman with huge testicles. I just made up the testicles part. I felt like this post needed some humour, but then I felt dishonest. Christmas is good for making us all better people. Christmas isn't about snowman balls, ya idiots!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Questions: Would you like a sherpa?

There is little to no doubt in my mind that this is in reference to some creepy sex act. So no, I don't want someone to 'carry my things' while I'm pooping or give me a creamy 'stache so it looks like I've been out in the cold, or rub something oily into my skin and call me a yeti. That last one probably didn't make a lot of sense, but in my defense, I rarely make any sense.

Short Answer: Festooned!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Question: What does your Christmas movie lineup look like this year?

Haven't really gotten into it yet.

Here's the best of list I did in 2013. Don't think it's changed much.

Last few years we've been really into doing the A Christmas Story/Black Christmas double-header, both directed by Bob Clark.

We almost always watch Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, just for that super odd, nearly depressing song. And the wife usually pushes Rudolph and I escape out a side door. We almost always do Elf, Scrooged and either Bad Santa or National Lampoon. And this year we're doing a traditional Christmas Eve with my father, so there'll probably be a Grinch siting.

Might be a Die Hard year. And a Blackadder year, if I can find the damn thing.

Short Answer: Fave Scenes:

Monday, December 5, 2016

Question: When was the last time you watched Harry and the Hendersons?

What a funny coincidence. That's what I call my penis and balls!

Short Answer: This was the best possible outcome. You see that, don't you?

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Question: Help! I'm all out of money and I need to buy Christmas presents!

If you expect my help to be monetary in nature, you're shit out of luck. I've had to blow a dude three times this year just to pay for hot water.

Now, as for advice, which I can give out for free, I suggest you blow a dude.

It's really not so bad. You could pretty much do anything for five or ten minutes if afterward a problem was solved. Just think about any situation that causes you stress. Oh no, the car is making a funny noise. Imagine the Five to Ten Minute Elf showing up and saying, 'What about something uncomfortable to make that noise go away?' And then he pulls out a hefty dildo and suggests you grab those ankles. Would you say no, if you knew that taking that dildo in the tookus for five to ten minutes would mean no expensive car repair, and more importantly, you could put the problem from your mind? I don't know about you, but I'd be bent over like a poorly struck nail in about two ankles flat.

How did this become about oral and anal you might ask? And how did I manage to include an elf, making the post even more Christmassy? Because I'm the man, and my advice is good. So find a guy who likes to pay for blowies, put a cushion under your knees...

Short Answer: ...and have a Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Question: Which is the best angel?

I'm guessing you misspelled angle.

Forty-five degrees?

Short Answer: Fuck, are you disappointed.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Question: I just read one of your older posts and I felt like it necessitated a question more so than a comment. On your post about the term 'ass-backwards' you say that someone 'growls and groans like a masturbating sheepdog'. Do you have experience with dog masturbation?

I'm assuming this is a long-time reader, first time question-asker. Thanks for reading the show!

No I don't fucking have experience with dog masturbation! I mean, what kind of experience could I possibly have? If I jacked off a terrier it wouldn't be dog masturbation, you idiot!

I've watched videos of dogs masturbating just about as much as the next curious guy, but that doesn't count as experience, and I sure as hell have never seen a sheepdog doing it.

Oh, by the way:

That's the post we're talking about. I thought the more poignant stuff in here was the anal sex, but I guess that wasn't your thing. You wanted to focus on the dog masturbation. What's with you, man? You make your mom proud with those mouth kisses! Or something!

Short Answer: Seriously, thanks for participating. We'll hear from you again, I'm sure of it.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Question: If you could edit your own life, what would you cut?

A few inches from my penis. I'm tired of seeing that look in a woman's eye, that 'I can't possibly handle this' look. Watching them regress through their lives, seeing a reflection in their gaze of every dick they've ever encountered, looking for some way to process the monstrosity before them; it's very difficult to witness a woman go through that. If affects me deeply, both psychologically and physically.

In other words, it's their fault that I'm impotent.

Short Answer: In all seriousness, I'd probably cut out the part of my brain that makes me feel stress when something insignificant happens. And replace it with the ability to make money. That's how this works, right? You can just cut pieces out of your brain? Maybe I should edit the idiot out of myself.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Question: I'm starting to worry that my wife doesn't love me. Is there a test I can use to find out for sure?

Yes. It's called the 'penis in mouth' exam, and it goes a little something like this.

Try putting your penis in your wife's mouth. If her mouth remains closed, and she looks at you with 'uh-uh' eyes, then she doesn't love you.

If, however, you sometimes find her mouth around your penis and you didn't even see that shit comin', she loves you.

We all do things for each other in a relationship. There are compromises of all varieties. Some are intellectual, some emotional. Some are physical. Letting you put your extra sweaty dick in her mouth is one of a wife's most common compromises. She does it for the good of the team, and sometimes, because she has foresight and her heart is full of caring, she'll work those balls, too.

I often think when people claim that there is no oral love in their relationship, that there is something missing. So if you fail the 'penis in mouth' test, proving your wife doesn't love you, before giving up, trying increasing your level of compromise in the relationship. For example, I'll bet she's got a butt that needs a good licking.

Short Answer: This undoubtedly helped you.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Question: Are you taking advantage of Cyber Monday?

Do any of you remember when 'cybering' was having sex with people online? Like, you'd go into a chat room and 'cyber' with someone by saying dirty shit?

I remember. And that's why Cyber Monday, to me, sounds like a digital fuckfest. Don't even ask what Black Friday means to me.

Short Answer: Ask my wife!

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Question: I had sex with your wife!

Seinfeld was funny.

This, however, is probably not about that. Because my wife has sex with so many people, it would be silly and presumptuous of me to assume this is a throw away. There's a good chance you actually did have sex with my wife.

Which one were you?

Bored in the Staples' bathroom?
Guy who said he was a hockey player at the bus stop?
Homeless man with 'nice hair'?
That chick from down the hall who likes the Bangles?
Any black guy?

Short Answer: My wife spreads a lot of joy. Who am I to interfere? She still keeps a special hole for me. It's the one she makes with her finger and thumb. Did you think I meant the butt? No, no, no. She does anal with almost everyone she meets. What a lady!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Question: A man steps out of the twilight zone and offers you the greatest vacation you could imagine, catch? No one including you will ever remember it and from what you can tell no time even goes by. It's just lost to time... do you do it anyway?

I bet you thought this made sense, didn't you? I bet you thought I'd understand what you were saying, and answer you in one of the ways you envisioned.

This did not happen. Prepare to have your dreams crushed and your expectations remain unfulfilled.

I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Who steps out of the Twilight Zone? Weren't we in it all along? Why did you say 'catch' at the end of your first statement? Were you throwing me a ball? Was it your way of saying 'ya dig?'

If I won't remember it, won't it be just like I blinked and it was over? Won't I be standing right there, wondering how the fuck someone who 'stepped out of the twilight zone' just offered me a vacation that never happened?

What's the point of doing it if I have no memory of it whatsoever? The value of it is lessened to the point that my concern I'd contract Hepatitis outweighs any fun I might have in the moment. (And just to be clear, my 'perfect' vacation would involve a lot more possible disease contractions, mostly of the STD variety. The kind you get from wildlife if that's a thing.)

Okay, just by breaking it down I think I'm starting to understand. This is a question about whether or not a thing has merit in the moment if you're not going to remember it later. My answer to that is yes, because memory is unreliable, and living in the now is the total shit. So to further that thought, yes, I would take that man up on his vacation, so long as I didn't contract syphilis or grow any older.

Short Answer: Are you still trying to make 'catch' a thing? (Also, we should totally encourage all those jackasses who take vacations to kill endangered species to fuck those animals instead of shooting them. That way, everybody wins. Unless, of course, somehow they manage to impregnate the animals and create a super-hybrid jackass species intent on fucking and killing inappropriate things, like humans. That could be trouble. Did I make fun of you earlier for not making any sense? My bad.)

Friday, November 25, 2016

Question: How about a bunch of random shit, today?

I just woke up with this thought in my head: It's like putting bug spray in your mouth. Sure it tastes bad, but at least there aren't any bugs in your mouth. (What this is 'like' I haven't yet figured out.)

Today, I said out loud, 'Get up, you sack of paltry crap.'

If you type 'dump in a' into Google, 'box' is the fourth entry.

I've never watched the film Mr. Holland's Opus because the title grosses me out.

If you prefer handjobs to blowjobs, you're the reason for the bad things.

Luke Cage - the Netflix show - is bad.

I think the story of Snow White would be more realistic under one of these two conditions: 1) There were only three dwarves, or 2) Snow White had seven orifices.

I think the above joke is extremely solid.

I've always thought David Hasselhoff was kind of a jackass. And those 'Don't Hassel the Hoff' t-shirts are annoying and shitty.

I wish I could wear skin-tight shorts everywhere. They make me feel pretty.

Short Answer: I think a good way to deal with the Donald Trump presidency is for all of us to pretend that Hillary Clinton won, and then act accordingly, so that when Trump does terrible/stupid things, we all react with an increased level of surprise and rage as though Hillary had done those things. This will be the appropriate amount of surprise and rage to counteract the normalization of that braying, tangerine jackhole.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Question: Are you getting ready for Christmas yet?

Go fuck yourself!

Sadly, yes. I'm trying super hard not to get stressed out about it, and failing. Christmas is supposed to be wonderful and still, every year, there's a period of organization and expenditure that fights back against all the good.

Maybe one day I'll figure it out. I'd really like it to be a magical month, at least. Getting the shopping done early helps with the stress, but it also takes away from the 'out shopping around Christmas' feeling that I like.

I love Christmas. I wish the feeling would spread throughout the year, or at least a few weeks into November, so I could be buoyed by the goodness.

Almost there.

Short Answer: I'm ready for Christmas all year, bitches.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Question: I love you. I love your blog. I want your fingers in my hair. I want you inside me.

Mom! For fuck sake!

Okay, this won't wasn't my mother, but still. Pretty matronly, right?

Okay, maybe not.

Here's the deal. I'm married. Not only that, I'm married to a woman who's better than you. Plead however you like; it will fall on deaf ears and beautiful boobs.

Short Answer: If my wife was into it, we could talk, but mostly she's too asleep to get aroused. It's hard being as awesome as she is, so she has to sleep a lot. At least that's what she tells me. It's also why her vagina has to stay 'penis-free' and her mouth remain 'balls-light'.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Question: I like to put cream on my thighs.

Mom! I said read the blog, not post questions!


Short Answer: Are thighs the grossest part of the body to put cream on? Maybe.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Question: I want to make love to Catwoman, but she doesn't exist. What do I do?

Have sex with a cat?

No, no, you wouldn't be able to get 'catsent' from the cat, and meow sounds more like no than yes in most situations.

Have sex with a woman?

I can see how that might be difficult for you to arrange without the proper funding.

The answer is a simple one, then. Find a cosplayer, a chick who's real in real life who dresses up like Catwoman. She'll be nerdy enough to put up with your philosophies on all things geek, while still having low enough standers to let you take a peek under her goggles.

Short Answer: You sure you want Catwoman? Oh, wait, I get it. This is leading up to a 'threesome with the Batman' type situation. Proceed with my blessing.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Question: I've got a lot of pockets. Do you think Jesus would approve?

I'm not sure pockets were even invented when Jesus was around. I suppose he wouldn't mind you having a place to put your wallet/phone/tissues/forgiveness etc.

Let's be honest: Jesus is busy. That dude must be ruling over all tang up there in heaven. He's got a sweet ride, cash to burn, and a magnificent wiener set to seek and destroy saved pussy. I'll bet he's not too concerned with whether or not you go 'cargo shorts' today.

Short Answer: I can't say if Jesus is into fashion or not. I've always assumed he was a robe guy, which to me is more about lazy than trying to make a statement. Why bother getting dressed when you can just robe it? As for the convenience of many pockets, I can't see him having any sort of problem with it. As a carpenter, I'm sure he'd appreciate having a place to put his little pencil and some fruit roll ups and shit. Am I rambling, now? I don't know what the fuck is with this question. Did I just start two sentences in a row with the word 'as'? Jesus would fucking hate that. He likes fluid writing style. That I'm sure of. Like in the Bible when they list all the things you're not allowed to eat and what we have dominion over. That shit was tight. Am I still writing this? Feels like I'm only thinking it now. Like a bad dream. I've tried at every turn to make a blasphemous joke in this post and I can't find one funny fucking thing. You keep money in your pockets. That plus the money lenders at the temple or something? Fuck me.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Question: Why do people say cheese before getting their picture taken?

I've heard people say it's because it simulates a smile. But when I say cheese, all that happens is my bottom jaw juts out and I get a food woodrow.

The origins are lost in the annals of Time's ass, I'm afraid.

Here's some interesting shit. They say different words in different places.

In Argentina, they say 'whiskey'.
In Bulgaria, they say, 'cabbage'.
In China, they say 'eggplant'.
In Denmark, they say, 'orange'.
In France, they say, 'marmoset'.
In Korea, they say, 'kimchi'.
In Spain, they say, 'potato'.
In Sweden, they say, 'omelette'.

In my house, they say, 'Keith! Get your fingers away from your crotch!'

They know where that can lead.

Short Answer: I've also ruined a few Christmas cards with some pretty deep knee bends and significant, kilted squats.

Note: I got this shit from Wikipedia (except for the crotch-fingering part). At the bottom, under See Also, it read: Cheese, the food to which this phrase refers. I thought that was fucking funny.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Question: #DetectiveNovels

Wash, Rinse...Die!
You Only Murder Once
The Paleo Diet Killer
Knock, Knock. Who's There? Murder!
Wash, Die...Repeat!
Aren't You Glad I Didn't Say Murder?
It's Always in the Last Place you Die
Don't Look A Gift Murder in the Murder
Murder, Rinse...Repeat!
I'm With Stupid and He's Going to Kill You
Shake Off the Blood
The Power Bottom Driller
There Once Was a Dead Man from Nantucket
There's a Place in France Where the Naked Women are Murdered
With This Murder, I Thee Wed
Die Before C, Except After Murder
If You Can't Kill Anything Nice, Don't Kill Anything at All
A Knife in the Back is Worth Two in the Front
The Murder Clown Murders
If A Tree Falls in the Forest and Lands on Someone...Is it Murder?
The Early Bird Gets the Noose
People Kill People...With Murder!
Nothing Killed, Nothing Gained
Why Did the Murderer Cross the Road?
A Place for Dying, and Dying in its Place
That Guy Who Killed Those Dudes
Murder is 20/20
The Sexual Predator Summer Camp Murders
Hey! You! Got off of My Corpse!

Short Answer: Anyone else think I was going to write: A Knife in the Back is Worth Two in the Bush? 'Cause that's gross.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Question: Will trivia games become obsolete due to the internet?

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Do you mean trivia nights or trivia games? Because if you use your phone for that you're a fuckin' asshole.

I guess what you're saying is that we won't learn the same way because we have pocket access to all the knowledge of humanity, so why would we bother with remembering things?

Yeah. That's already happening.

I used to be smart. Now, before I can say my smart thing, someone's reading facts from their phone. Besides making me seem dumb, there's also no guarantee that anything written on the internet is a fact. You might claim that a person like me can't be trusted either, but you'd be being an asshole.

Short Answer: I always thought knowing lots of stuff was kinda overrated anyway. It might have got me some tail in my youth, but now that I'm married to a big, fat garbage monster, I don't really need to attract any more mates. (I don't know why I felt the need to insult my wife. I guess just thinking about the tail I used to get makes me resentful. And the fact that she's fat as fuck and smells like a tire fire that got out of control and was doused with fresh entrails from people that had eaten recently at Taco Del Mar.)

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Question: If you could have dinner with Chris Farley or Salma Hayek who would you pick? You only get dinner.

Your addendum to this question ruined it for everyone.

Unless I could somehow finagle a topless dinner, the charm of Salma Hayek might be lost on me, whilst watching her eat peas with a fork or some such shit. If I don't get to see titties or bang face, then I'm definitely going with Farley.

Don't get me wrong. From what I can tell, Salma Hayek is a delightful, intelligent, funny person. But she's not one of the funniest people ever.

And don't get me wrong, Farley also has tits.

And don't get me wrong, I'd really like to have sex with both of them at the same time.

Short Answer: Don't Get Me Wrong by the Pretenders is a good song. Don't know why that popped into my head.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Question: I'm worried about fitting all these golf balls in.

An ass can hold a lot.

Trust me.

Short Answer: I'm not even sure you deserve this much of an answer.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Question: Super tired of politics...can you talk about anything else? get a poem.

Dreaming active of the day that I am
special like tides of refuse near the edge of joy

Walking into situations blessed with nary
a thought of consequence and costing those engaged

Having to differentiate myself from all
that is to keep my head above the murk of dreams

Accepting the responsibility of a thousand moments
passed over, a million needs unmet for all the conscientious

In honor of the fallen men, in honor of the reaching girls,
in dignity with spurned remorse, in horror of the present course

In step with terror at our sleeves, inferior in thoughts and deeds,
in dignity with earned remorse, in horror of the present course

Short Answer: Hope Must First Fall Eternal

Note: Fooled you! Still politics, motherfucker! (Don't worry. I'm tired of it, too.)

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Question: How do you think we'll all heal from this now that Hillary Clinton is president?


I hate to be the bearer of bad news and clich├ęs that make you think of bears but have no bears in them, but that shit didn't happen.

Maybe you went to bed early? (Suppertime?) Or maybe you don't get how the electoral college works. (About as well as Trump University.)

Donald Trump is the president elect of the united states. So we'll just put off the healing for four years or so. Imagine you just got braces. There. That's better.

Short Answer: Best way to heal in my book is to use your magic to defeat the dragon and save the princess. (I write fantasy books.)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Question: I'm a big fan. How exactly do I go about asking a question?

Not sure if you're going to be pleased with this or not.

Ya just did!

First of all, thank you for saying that you're a fan. I don't get a lot of that sort of positivity, and it feels good in my cockles. I know people read my blog, but the format itself seems to discourage comments. I've never tried to change this because usually comment section interactions are the worst of humanity, but it also discourages people from saying 'good job' or 'well-maintained scrotum'.

So, welcome to the blog. You're officially participating. I suggest you go back, think up a real doozy, and cram it up your behind!

Short Answer: You're welcome!

Friday, November 11, 2016

Question: Are you okay with taxidermy?

As long as you take all my organs out and make a nice meal for my friends, you can do whatever you want with my husk. I think I'd be a great stuffed guy. I could sit at the dinner table all day, or in front of the TV. You could take me out on adventures, like to Disneyland, and I could be in the picture with you on Splash Mountain. Just you, freaking out, hands in the air and me, a dead, expressionless human full of sawdust.

Or I guess you could give me an expression. I think if I had a choice I'd go with 'sly'. Maybe even 'sly with a wink'.

Short Answer: You mean animals and shit? Nah, it's weird. (I don't feel like pets are also trophies.)

"So this is what I got for keeping Roofus alive all those years."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Question: How about some levity in the face of Trumpworld?


A Trump walks into a bar that has the word Trump over the door in big, gold letters. Inside the bar is a gaudy nightmare that looks like it was pulled from the bowels of a bad vampire novel. He sits down at the bar and before ordering, destroys all progress in terms of abortion, gay marriage and civil rights for minorities that has been achieved over the last few decades.


Short Answer: Buy a hat and hold the fuck onto it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Question: President Trump! Suck it, liberals!

Preparing to suck it, sir. Is there anything else you need?

My instinct at this moment is humour, which may piss some people off because they want to be sad, and that's fine, but, ya know, fartbutts!

I'll say one thing. Calling out huge groups of people as liberals or conservatives is dumb. We're all complex fuckers. The divisiveness is probably the most troubling thing about America right now.

Having said that, you won. Gloat if you want; I've been known to do a victory dance or three. But don't forget how you won. Don't forget where your votes came from, and what really happened here in terms of policy, lack of facts, deceit, xenophobia and the riling up of negative emotions. This isn't so much a liberal loss or a conservative victory as it is a fear victory, a victory for the power of incitement, and a victory fuelled by a call for change where no change was necessarily needed. This victory preyed on the baser parts of people, and it's important that we remember that fact moving forward. Now we get to see if that change is good for the country and the world.

If it turns out you're right, and this sort of change makes the world better, I'll be right there dancing with you.

Short Answer: Let's just say I'm not breaking out my dancing shoes anytime soon.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Question: Who's the President?

Barack Obama?

And I fixed your mistake. Their aren't supposed to be semicolons in that phrase.

So you're dumb, I get it.

The President doesn't really change on the day of the election, but I'll answer the spirit of your question.

It will be Hillary Clinton because people can't actually be dumb enough to fall for that ragged, sweaty, mandarin-coated fucktard.

Or, it will be Trump because people are too complacent and think exactly what I just said.

Get the fuck out and vote to save your country, you lazy fuckers!

Short Answer: Now's the time to participate, even if you never have before. The whole world is afraid of what will happen if Trump gets in. Get that through your skull and vote.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Question: You are stranded on a desert island and can either have every Bare Naked Ladies album or every W.A.S.P. album. You must listen to one album a day. Who's it gonna be?

One of the first things I thought of here, which may not be in the spirit of the question, is how many albums? I think variety would be key to not going absolutely batty.

Turns out W.A.S.P. and the Barenaked Ladies have about the same amount of studio albums, 14 or 15, so that's not a big factor. What comes out of this is, holy shit, W.A.S.P. made that many albums?

The answer is Barenaked Ladies. The first song that came to mind when I saw this question was Call and Answer, one of my favorite singles of the past couple of decades. That alone tips the scales. Also, as body of work goes, the Barenaked Ladies have the next eight or ten best songs.

It's pretty much a landslide victory except for the fact that W.A.S.P.'s singer, Blackie Lawless, has the coolest rock 'n' roll voice ever. That gives me pause and forces consideration where it's hardly necessary. Problem is, I think listening to W.A.S.P. for too long would just make me want to listen to Motley Crue, and on this island scenario, that would be infuriating. The Barenaked Ladies don't really sound like anyone else, and that would completely eliminate the problem.

In case I need to make more of an argument, the Barenaked Ladies are by far the more decorated band, and have a huge lead in sales, awards and Billboard success. The quality and variety of their catalogue wins out.

To be more accurate in terms of critique, I don't think W.A.S.P. has the riffing chops to be up there with other great hair metal acts. They have a comparable sound to better bands, and that just won't do. Better lead guitar and more dynamic drumming choices would serve them better. Even on their big hits you can here this complacency in their song-writing, a sickness in the Los Angeles rock scene in the eighties.

In fairness, W.A.S.P. has made a lot of music over the years, and they've had some pretty talented members. And they wrote the songs Blind in Texas and L.O.V.E Machine which are pretty badass. I think like a lot of bands from that scene, they would've been better served in another place and another decade.

Short Answer: Barenaked Ladies. 'Cause some days you don't want to be yelled at about pussy and booze.

Note: I didn't choose W.A.S.P. because I was angry at having to type W.A.S.P. over and over again. It's a real pain in the ass. I assume you did this on purpose to fuck with me. Way to skew your own experiment, obvious member of the band W.A.S.P.!

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Question: Do you like Pina Coladas?

No. I think they're gross. They taste like pineapple got a bad infection, squeezed out some gnarly puss, and mixed that up with coconut ball-sweat.

(Man. If coconut's had balls, I bet they'd taste awesome.)

That may have seemed like a contradictory opinion, but, fuck you.

For the record, I don't like getting caught in the rain, either. That's a dumb question. Nobody likes that. And I like the rain. I'll go out into the already established rain like few others. But you don't want to be out in your nice shirt and knickers and then get dumped on. For that matter, who likes getting caught in anything? Tax fraud, bear trap, finger in the pie? It's all bad news. I reiterate: dumb question.

I do like making love at midnight. Because that's the most likely time for ghosts to be watching and I like to have an audience.

Are there more lyrics to this song? I don't think I care.

Wait. There's the having half-a-brain, part. That's a stupid phrase to put into a song. This song is shit. And what's wrong with yoga, you troglodyte?

Short Answer: Who sang this fuckin' shit song?

Note: Rupert Holmes, and the song is actually called Escape. Fuck all that.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Question: Have you ever seen moldy pizza?

Fuck no. How is it possible to let pizza go moldy?

Here's a true tale of what happens when I buy pizza.

First, I get too much. Even though it's just for my wife and I, I will always buy two pizzas. Usually mediums, unless in that five minute window of ordering I feel like a fat shit, and then I get smalls. But ninety percent of the time it's mediums.

Then, we sit down to eat said pizza and I eat eight pieces. I don't know where I came up with that number, but that's the limit. Then, I'll wait ten to twenty minutes to see if that makes me full, leaving the rest of the pizza out before me. Whether I feel full or not, I will most likely consume the rest of the pizza over the next few minutes to few hours.

If I don't eat it all, I will put the two to four pieces left into the fridge. (Never one. If there's one left I'll just eat it because who could be bothered?) The next morning, I will either gleefully sprint to the fridge and consume the leftover pizza, or I'll be pleasantly surprised upon opening the fridge and I will gleefully consume the leftover pizza.

I guess the only way I'd ever see moldy pizza is if I went dumpster diving, or discovered a dead body next door and they hadn't finished their pizza before they'd expired. I can't say for sure - in either circumstance - that I wouldn't eat the moldy pizza.

Short Answer: I'd at least eat around the mold.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Question: Short Answer?

This is a mind fuck.

Are you asking why I do short answers? Or are you asking me to just do a short answer? What am I doing a short answer about? Short Answers?

Short Answer: I like short answers. I guess...

Note: This is on you.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Question: Who wins in a fight, Carrot Top or Carrot Bottom?

I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but I'm in love with this question. You have a beautiful mind, sir/miss.

My instinct is that Carrot Top would win in any fight because he's so ripped, but I'm intrigued to think of what distinct traits Carrot Bottom would bring to the table. First off, does Carrot Bottom have fluffy, green hair?

I'd like to think that the reason a person would get the name 'Carrot Bottom' is because they put a carrot in their bottom, which might prepare them for some hearty anal sex in the future, but not necessarily make them tough in a fight. Or, the name Carrot Bottom could refer to the position one likes while in sexual congress.

Any way you slice the carrot, I think the Top beats the Bottom. Unless of course Carrot Bottom is an hilarious comedian.

Short Answer: I think the question itself is stronger than the answer. I don't think I could possibly give an answer funny enough to do it justice. Well played.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Question: Can poops come to life?

Sir? It's time to change your diet.

The answer to this question is simple. Poops are dead. They're dead when you eat them, and they're dead in your stomach, and they're dead in your butt. Toilet water is not the fountain of youth, or that pool in Cocoon. It is not magical. It is water with some pee in it.

Poops don't live. You wouldn't want them to. The tales they would tell.

Short Answer: I assume you made a bad boom-boom and this is your way of telling the world. That's fine, but maybe try some fiber and shut-up.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Question: Happay Halloween! What movies should I watch tonight?

I usually fix minor spelling errors in questions, but I wasn't so sure with this one. Might just be the way you say 'happy', so I left it in.

Happay Halloween to you, too!

The Exorcist.
The Shining.
The Omen.
The Ring.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Return of the Living Dead.
Friday the 13th.
The Lost Boys.
Shaun of the Dead.
American Werewolf in London.
The Fly.
The Thing.
Evil Dead.
The Changeling.
The Orphanage.
The Babadook.
Rosemary's Baby.
Let the Right One in.
The Wicker Man.
Near Dark.

There. That's thirty. If there's a movie on this list that you haven't seen, that's your huckleberry for tonight. If you've seen them all...well, let's be fair. You don't really need my help.

Short Answer: I also highly recommend Tales From the Crypt episodes. Do a little research and find the best ones. My favorite is Season 4, Episode 7: The New Arrival.

Note: You can also do a 'halloween' or 'horror' search and you'll find other lists I've done on blog.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Question: What are you going as for Halloween this year?

I don't really have anywhere to go as at.


My wife and I were just discussing that we may have to take on the mantel of Halloween party throwers in the years to come, as our tribe is lacking a designated Halloween party thrower.

That doesn't mean you have to have a party to go to. Sometimes, my wife and I would just walk around the neighborhood, watching all the little kiddies. My go to costume for said event was a long black wig and a skeleton mask with a cowboy hat. This was my 'soul ranger' costume, from the video board game Atmosphere. But years ago my wig got too ratty and my skull mask too dirty and I abandoned them. (I assume they took on a life of their own and began murdering, and continue to do so every Halloween.)

My wife suggested that I go as Gord Downie this year because I own a Jaws t-shirt. I suggested she should mind her own beeswax.


Short Answer: Sadly, I do not have a costume this year, so I guess I'll just be going as 'crazy man sleepwalking' a costume that consists solely of one sock.

Note: Sock is worn normally, not upon the wiener.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Question: What do you think about David Crosby saying that Kanye West sucks at everything?


I don't know what to think of Kanye. Some claim he's a genius. I have no evidence to the contrary, but his public demeanor makes for a difficult-to-overcome level of bias.

I think there's a polarization effect in calling someone a genius. Maybe we should lay off with the big lingo and then there might not be so much backlash. If we just said, 'he's good at what he does' would people care so much? Would we feel the need to define him in such hyperbolic terms?

As for David Crosby, I don't know what his game is. I guess he just thinks that Kanye sucks, which if you ask me, is as valid an opinion as thinking he's some sort of musical deity. And let us not forget, Kanye himself thinks he is some sort of musical deity. If you said, 'musical deity' to him, he'd be all like, 'I dig that. I am that.'

Short Answer: Maybe it's just jealously because everyone on this planet and their dog wants to fuck his wife. David Crosby's wife, I mean.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Question: Enough about Trump. What about David S. Pumpkins?

I love you, whoever you are.

Yes! Yes to all things David Pumpkins!

I'm not even going to explain who this is. Go look it up, jerks! It goes with Tom Hanks and/or SNL. I'm literally so happy to be talking about David Pumpkins that I'm typing around an erection. Seriously, I have my penis between my wrists. I'm holding it back awkwardly as it bobbles around.

Did this get weird?

Short Answer: It's appropriate.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Question: I have trouble getting my famly to watch horror movies with me. Any suggestions?

Get a new family?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? It's Halloween for Pagan Christ's sake!

No, I get it. I've been scared so badly by horror movies that I can understand how having a little less tolerance could dictate a lifelong avoidance. Horror movies can fuck you up. They can keep you from sleeping, and make the simplest noises sound ominous, or the shifting of shadows resemble your deepest, darkest fears.

But if you like gore and titties, I'd suggest you stick with it, champ!

I suppose you could try to lure them in with some fake Horror buzzwords, like Thriller and Suspense, that can fool people. Some folks actually do like Horror movies, they just don't realize it. Start them off with something more psychological and you might find it's a way to get to the more 'stabbed in the eye by a topless witch' type stuff.

What I'm most happy about is to here that you want to share your love of Horror with your family. Some feel ashamed, and want to keep it all to themselves. The family sitting around the television watching a scary movie is a joy for me to imagine.

Short Answer: Survival Horror can be a good way to fool people into watching scary movies. Give that a try. The little ones won't quite understand the context, but it will still scare the shit out of them. Yay!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Question: What horror movies are you watching this Halloween?

Which ones aren't I watching?

I kid, I kid. There are lots of horror movies. But can you imagine?

What the fuck were we talking about? Or yeah, no one's talking to me. I'm sitting here alone. Naked.


Some people go crazy for Horror on Halloween and watch movies every night, or have giant stacks to get through. I don't like chores, so I don't do that. I have my annual Halloween Horror Day, and this year I'll be watching The Omen, The Bay, Antichrist, Creep and Torso.

Besides that, my friend - purging his DVD collection - gifted me the entire run of Tales From the Crypt. So I did some research and found the best thirty episodes. My wife and I are halfway through that endeavor as of right now. I used to watch when I was a kid, and that show is a distinct, nostalgic pleasure, full of gore and nudity and famous fuckers in odd situations.

I used to do a Halloween week, where I would have a theme every night, and my wife and I would watch at least a couple of movies and anyone we knew was welcome to come over and join us. Sadly, the people in my life don't take watching Horror at Halloween as seriously as I do, and so the practice waned due to lack of attendance.

This just made me sad. I'm axing all of my friends and getting new ones! I meant axing in the real way, like in an episode of Tales From the Crypt! Get it?

(cackles like the Crypt keeper, realizes he's alone and naked, stops)

Other than the above, I've watched The Babadook with some friends, and The Witch with my wife. I'm planning to check out a few newer ones, and who knows what shenanigans I might get up to otherwise; I have a shelf of Horror DVDs sitting just to my right. My wife and I, with a swarthy friend of ours, watched Ringu and Ju-On a few years back as a doubleheader, and we've talked of doing The Ring and The Grudge the same way. That would be a good Halloween night for those who like sleep but like staring at the shadows with a little shit in their pajamas more.

Short Answer: I actually don't wear pajamas to bed, so the shit would be directly on the bed sheets. Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Question: I thought the poem you wrote yesterday was stupid.

A) Not a question.

B) You've forced me to answer this 'question' today, because otherwise it wouldn't make sense.

C) Art is subjective.

D) Where the fuck is your poem, ass?

Short Answer: That is all.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Question: Write us a poem, luv.

This feels like it must be from my grandmother, though I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

(One of my grandmothers doesn't much like using the internet, and the other is a convicted hacksaw murderer so deep in the bowels of an American prison that she hardly sees the light. But to be fair, those kids were on her lawn.)

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, right. You want a poem. Shit.

Petunias are the thing, when you're looking for some color,
when you're looking at the dead or want a wedding to go smoothly
Petunias are the cure to needing contrast to your pallor,
when you look into the mirror and wish your skin was smoother
Petunias are the reason that the kids were on the lawn,
not because they are the offspring of demons from the moon.
Pieces of petunias sandwiched in between the bodies,
smelling putrid long after the children have gone dry.
Why, oh why, oh why, did you ever plant petunias?
Why, nan, did you feel the need to brighten up your lawn?

Short Answer: For my nana, Hacksaw Marge. Miss your biscuits!

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Question: What kind of poison should I use this Hallowe'en?


Good question.

What you want to do is get all the poisons, lay them out in a row, and start trying them yourself. Eventually you'll get to the one you think is best.

Short Answer: Also, you can't know the sharpness of a razor blade until you test it on your own wrists. Make sure to cut along the length of your wrist, not across. You know, because of the sharpness thing.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Question: What's the reddest rainbow you've ever seen?

Jesus Christ.

I don't usually go this route, but I think you should probably drop everything and go to a mental doctor. If you've seen a red rainbow at all, either your eyes are full of rage or they're bleeding. Or you've really misunderstood what the LGBT community is trying to accomplish.

Do you have a lot of strawberries on your face?

You know what, never mind. I probably shouldn't try to diagnose from here. Something's wrong. You're in Hell, I'm guessing. Or maybe just in lava. Leave where you are. It's not safe.

Short Answer: If this is a real phenomenon (...Googled...) holy shit it's a real thing. A monochrome rainbow? Why isn't this the symbol for all the gay-bashing religious idiots? Oh, no. Did I just give them a thing? Fuck.

Note: You think maybe it's a dismembered leprechaun at the end of a red rainbow? A pot of blood and chunks?

Friday, October 21, 2016

Question: Where will you move to if He Who Shall Not Be Named wins the presidency?

This is a funny one.

I don't live in America. So...

But more importantly, it's time us Canadians let you guys in on a little secret, in hopes that you'll go to the polls on the day of days and make sure the tangle-headed ape-quat doesn't get into office.

We're building a wall.

That's right. We've been doing it quietly and politely. That's the way we roll out walls here. When you guys decide it's time to flood north, you're in for a surprise. (Also, the wall is a smartwall, and it knows to let Mexicans through.)

Short Answer: "The northern reticulated trumptit has unusual nesting behaviour, constructing its home atop its own head."

Note: The wall is free, paid for by our health insurance.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Question: "I might have to poop again."

I turned to my wife just now and asked her if she had a question for me. This is what she said in response as she headed to the bathroom, concern dragging her features into an expression of hateful sullenness.

Or was it insufferable gloom? I have trouble telling the difference.

She's back. Here's our talk.

"Did you poop?
"That fast? Was it diarrhea?"
"No. It was soft, though, like... (pause). Don't ask me about poops."

Then she went back to bed.

She makes a fair point, but I can't help myself. Love them poops.

Short Answer: I think that's enough for today.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Questions: Ham Celebrities!

Sarah Jessica Porker
Jon Hammsteak
Pork Chan Wook
Bacon Kevin Bacon
Joey Prosciutto
Pancetta James
Snout Willis
Kevin Bacon Bacon
Shia LeHoof
John Curly Tails
Sylvestor Chicharone
Paul Hocker
Gary Oldpig
Gordie Sow
Salamia Farrow
Rob Wriggles in Mud
Brad Spitroast

Short Answer: (panting)

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Question: Here's a question nobody can answer. Are you ready? Why is the by sklue?

Sir, you're drunk.

Short Answer: All questions can be answered. Some are unworthy of deliberation. Ask yourself which sort your question is.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Question: Have you been groped by Donald Trump?

I don't appreciate you bringing it up. But who hasn't? That guy is awfully handsy for having a very small penis...I mean hands.

I'm sorry. I'm not going any further. Making jokes about Trump makes me think about him, and that makes me sad so that I don't want to tell jokes.

Short Answer: Is anyone actually surprised by these allegations? Dude is consistent.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Question: I just met up with a gargantuan spider in the hallway. Do I have to move?

I must compliment you. Gargantuan really worked for me as an adjective in this question. I pictured a spider so big that it was holding itself up off the ground, legs against the walls and ceiling around him, his body taking up nearly the entire breadth of the hallway.

Don't worry. With the seasons coming, spiders are just looking for places to hang where they won't drown to death. They probably won't crawl into bed with you or hide in the bristles of your toothbrush.

Of course, if they're three hundred pound hallway blocking spiders, you might want to start looking for a new place to live before the awkward backrubs start.

Short Answer: I want to think that when you saw him, he did that thing that spiders do when they're suspended by their legs, where the body sinks backward, pressing the knees forward like it's about to pounce and murder. That's always totally awesome! Everyone loves a furry ball of malice between having to pee and peeing in your jammies.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Question: Why are the Stones allowing Trump to use "you can't always get what you want" as a theme song at his rallies?


Here's the official line: "The Rolling Stones have never given permission to the Trump campaign to use their songs and have requested that they cease all use immediately."

So the answer is simply, they aren't.

"The Rolling Stones do not endorse Donald Trump,” the band tweeted. “ 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' was used without the band's permission."

I guess Trump does whatever he wants with songs and to pussies.

Short Answer: Maybe it's useless to get into a legal battle with him. He does have the most luxurious, most fantastic, most expensive lawyers, and those lawyers have the best words.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Question: Is the pain in my foot directly related to the fact that the dog sleeps at the end of my bed?


But the pain in your end is directly related to the fact that your dog sleeps at the foot of your bed.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You know, because this way there's a pain in your end. And maybe your dog has sex with you in the night.

In all seriousness, I doubt your dog is hurting your foot. It's not even cool to suggest it. Isn't it bad enough that you blame your farts on your dog? And don't forget how often you get to use your dog as an excuse to get out of staying out late, going on a date with someone you thing is a fugmo, or vacationing at the cabin with people who think Cranium is a thing to do with your time.

Dogs are a blessing. You know what? Even if he is hurting your foot somehow, suck it up. You know what else? Even if he's fucking you in the dark, just gently enough to keep you from waking, get over yourself. That dog is everything to and you know it. Doesn't he deserve a little happiness?

Short Answer: You can't have happiness without dog penis.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Question: Buyyd?

After extensive research (looking at my keyboard) and experimentation with autocorrect, I've decided that this was someone trying to type out the word 'butts'.

So that means the question is: Butts?

And the answer is: Let's do it.

Short Answer: And the short answer is: Let's do it.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Question: How is this Donald Trump thing still a thing?


I get it. The questions about Trump are piling up in my inbox because it's on everyone's mind. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested in discussing him further, yet I've broken that rule on numerous occasions, so I guess I'm encouraging you. Last night on the radio, I actually went off for a minute, letting my passion get the better of me, and I called him a child, and I said that the only thing separating him from a child is that he's incapable of learning.

I felt weird letting it out. I feel like this ass deserves less of my time and passion. He needs to see us on the higher ground, taking the path of more resistance, exhibiting better behaviour and ignoring all the bullshit that he's spouting.

Problem is, he can't see that. He's not programmed that way. It's like the idea that if you fight back against a bully, he'll stop. Some bullies will, but some bullies will take a punch in the face just fine and not learn a lesson at all. Trump is the second type. You're not going to get through to a seventy year old who thinks in such a petty fashion. If he hasn't evolved yet, our example, anyone's example, is not going to alter his perception of reality.

So I guess what we're doing is commiserating. By letting it out, and rolling our eyes at each other, we're saying, 'At least we have each other. At least the world hasn't gone crazy and there are still others like me.' Good, fine, wonderful. I just hope that all the Americans who are commiserating along with us get off their asses on voting day and make sure this ass clown never sees the oval office. Because if you take that day off, this fucker is going to replace the presidential seal with five, big, bright, golden, capital letters.

Short Answer: Air Force Trump? Trump Force One? Don't bet against it.

Note: Just realized I didn't at all answer the question. The reason it's still a thing is because the people who back him aren't backing him based on his policies or his stance on issues. They're backing him because they actually like that he says fucked up shit. Nothing he says will deter them. It won't even deter the respectable people of his party, no matter how much they balk at his inane rhetoric, so how can we expect more from people who actually think he's going to make America great again? They've got that shit tattooed on their souls, now. If Trump asked them too, they'd probably tattoo it on their fucking foreheads. Little do they know they might as well get TR on one cheek and MP on the other, so that he can see his name when he's fucking them in the ass later, laughing at the fact they thought he would actually perform the job of president to any acceptable degree.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Question: Can rape be funny?


Unless it's the Pillsbury Doughboy getting raped.

Short Answer: Picture it. Go on.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Question: Do Donald Trump again!

Not a question.

This is the last time.

Let's try, 'Donald Trump has...'

already won
a brain tumor
a coherent realistic foreign policy, a clone, a chance
destroyed the Republican party
endorses Paul Ryan (grammar?)
a farce to be reckoned with
a good brain
a heart attack, a high IQ
(nothing for I,J,K)
a lot of friends, a low IQ
my vote, met Putin
no chance, no chill, no friends, no political experience
owned how many businesses?
a plan, a point, a point incredibly
(nothing for Q)
really bad morals
small hands, a screw loose, a secret garden
the best words, tiny hands, to win, to go
(nothing for U)
a very good brain
words, won
(nothing for X)
a yacht
(nothing for Z)

Short Answer: Once more, I will fill in the empty slots.

Donald Trump has Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Donald Trump has jacked off in a Bentley
Donald Trump has killed a guy
Donald Trump has a quintessentially racist demeanor
Donald Trump has a use for freshly knived baby scalps (toilet paper)
Donald Trump has xenophobic tendencies and the tattoos to back them up
Donald Trump has zebra porn on his iPad Air

Friday, October 7, 2016

Question: Donald Trump?



Here's a game. Let's type 'Donald Trump is a' into Google, followed by every letter of the alphabet, and take the best of the top four.

Donald Trump is a...

aimless angry leader, actor
blobfish, bs artist, black hole
child, clone, cancer
distraction, draft dodger, duck
el chapo, extinction level event
Ferengi, fish, fear monger
gemini, god
joker, jagoff
Knight of Malta
leviathan, libertarian
muppet, man baby
national security threat
orange, orangutan, oompa loompa
pokemon, potato,
(nothing for Q)
rotten sweet potato, rapper, rhino
shape shifting lizard, security risk, stand up comedian
threat to American democracy, train wreck, time traveller
(nothing for U)
vs Ebenezer Scrooge
(nothing for Y)
(nothing for Z)

Short Answer: Getting harder and harder to make this topic funny. (Let me fill in the ones that didn't come up with results.)

Donald Trump is a querulous seasonal gourd.
Donald Trump is a yak in heat.
Donald Trump is a zombie emerging from a vat of old tang.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Question: How do you think the Vancouver Canucks will do this year?

I'm pretty sure I've been asked this before, but I guess it would be uncouth to direct you to an answer from a previous season.

I haven't immersed myself in this yet, so I don't have a whole lot of insight. One thing I would like to remind all the Canucks' fans with their fingers on the panic button is that we still really haven't seen this team with Brandon Sutter in full flight. We traded for him to keep us close to the playoff race last year, and he spent most of the season out with injury. So I don't think we can write this team off as a bunch of kids just yet. We could have two solid lines, and that means a lot of people fighting for jobs on the third and fourth lines, and that can make for competitive hockey. Also, our goaltending looks good.

Might be a tough year, or we might surprise a few people. Bo Horvat could have a very good year if we give him some offensive support, and there are other kids ready to break out as well.

I think we'll be on the cusp of the playoffs, but I got a dirty feeling we'll sneak in. As long as the Sedins are lacing up, this era of success isn't over. We can surprise a few people.

Short Answer: Wishful thinking? Mayhaps.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Question: So Demi Lovato is retiring or something?

I know that celebrities are people. I believe they have their rights, just as the rest of us do. They can be political, they can have strong opinions, and they can use their spotlight to bring awareness to things they think are important. Your job doesn't make your opinions any less valid.

But here's something to keep in mind. If you're blindingly rich and famous and you decide you can't handle the spotlight any longer, that's fine with me. You are free to go away, quietly if you wouldn't mind, and leave some spotlight for some of the rest of us, those who could use a little of that money and success and might find the attention a little easier to bear.

I don't know much about Demi Lovato in particular - I'm sure whoever asked this question knows that, so sorry to actually answer it rather than the 'I don't give a fuck' response you were expecting - but I do know that she has been in the news multiple times talking about body issues and her own sense of self and those sorts of struggles. That's legit. And I'm not saying she thinks she's special, but let's be clear that being famous and having body issues doesn't make anyone special. Lots of girls out there deal with that, and I'm assuming it's even more difficult without millions of fans and dollars. So let's keep a little perspective.

Also, for all you people out there who are in contact with impressionable, little girls, here's an opportunity to teach them about self-confidence, about what's it's like to deal with this sort of bullshit, and maybe point them in the direction of a female role model who handles these things with grace and strength.

Short Answer: Richard Simmons, maybe? I don't know.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Question: Can you write a new joke for us?

What do you call a rubber boot with a hockey puck in it?

Canadian high-heel.

I'm not sure if this would be more affective turned the other way around or not. Or if it's funny at all. But there's something there. Could be a Newfie joke, too, but I think the word Canadian matches better with the puck scenario.

Short Answer: That good enough? Too bad!

Monday, October 3, 2016

Question: Let's get this over with, shall we?

That's inspiring. Now I can't wait to face the day.

Like the way I faced your mom last night when she begged for thirty seconds of missionary so she could feel a tiny ounce of human connection. But don't worry, I made sure to stare at her ear the whole time so it was weird.

I know the funniest thing to do here would be to continue on in this vein, addressing this question as though it was serious and discussing the many ways in which I've made sweet love to your entire family, but I feel differently today. Instead, I'd like to take a moment and be appreciative for these sorts of questions. Diversity is key for this endeavor, and though that diversity comes from me and my reactions, different sorts of questions are welcome, for they create a shortcut for me to disparate and ranging mind frames and reactions.

But you just talked about fucking that dude's mom like you always do, you might say.

To that, I say, I fucked your mom.

Short Answer: She liked it. She always likes it. And I'm bad at it, so what does that say about her?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Question: My toes hurts when I bend it. Should I go to the doctor?

Don't bend your toe.

Leave me alone.

Short Answer: I guess this sort of response doesn't really encourage people to participate...oh, wait, I don't give a fuck about that.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Question: Where can you go in Vancouver to get cool iphone cases?

I'm not falling for this shit.

This is from my wife. She's looking for a case for her new phone.

Nice try, toots. This is some bullshit. It can't be any easier to ask this of me, to get me to try and do your dirty work for you, than it would be to just Google it yourself.

My wife: "But I don't want to have to read all the results."


Now what the fuck do I do? This whole post has been totally ruined. This is like the internet equivalent of walking in front of the television during a football game. No, this is worse, this is like standing in front of the TV in sexy lingerie, not only knowing that you're distracting me, but trying to actually get me to turn the game off and pay attention to you. Yeah, that's right, just standing there in that lace up corset and that G-string, in those knee high socks with your hands on your hips and your face all...

No! This is how she does it! This is how she gets what she wants! I will not do this research for you just because you've got a fat ass!

I won't!

I swear it.

Short Answer: I did the research. But I'm not posting it on here! I've put it in a spreadsheet for you, so you can easily decipher the information! And here's a route for us to take to hit all the best possibilities in a timely and efficient fashion! So...ha! That's what you get.


Friday, September 30, 2016

Question: What about those girls that were found dead at that resort?


Do I really have to go look this up? I mean, how can anyone possibly benefit from my take on this? Am I supposed to make some sort of inappropriate joke? Like, 'hey, at least the fat one something something.'

(Note: The 'something something' in that above paragraph could be any number of heinous things, all the way from 'got murdered first' to 'got murdered better'.)

I don't know what you're talking about, or if it even exists, which gives me just the right amount of separation to say, yea, sure, death is pretty funny. Maybe not for the dead, or their loved ones, but the rest of us have to laugh to face the pressing, blinding horror of all existence, that force that weighs us down every day, making our backs hurt and our bellies churn with acid, so that we become bent, crinkled bags of foul-smelling breath and paranoia.

Short Answer: If there is a fat one in that story, please don't email me with complaints. Wait, is it bad, after all this, that I just laughed at 'fat one' because I thought of a penis?

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Question: What would you do if someone offered you a plate of testicles?

"Whose testicles are these?" I'd ask, my mouth curling in a coy smile.

I'm assuming that if someone offered me a plate of testicles, that they are the cooked kind from an animal known to have their testicles consumed by man. If that is the case, I would eat said testicles.

If the testicles were, like, fresh, like recently cut off a thing, I'd decline to eat them. If they were human testicles, I'd also decline, unless they were the testicles of my enemy and they were prepared the way testicles consumed by man are normally prepared. Hopefully with a sauce. Or maybe risotto.

To reiterate, I would eat the testicles of my enemy. So look out, fuckers. Don't be making an enemy out of this guy. He'll chef your balls up nice.

Short Answer: I might ask why they brought me a plate of testicles when I ordered the ceviche. Ooh! Ceviched testicles; thinly sliced, raw, with some lime juice. "Sir, I have hear the ceviched testicles of your enemy." Can ceviche be a verb? Did I just lose half of my audience? I see.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Question: What did you think of the debate?


Fuck me. I don't want to have to talk about Trump anymore. I had two different dreams last night about him. He's fucking everywhere.

Trump has consistently been what he is. If you don't see what he is, you're not going to see it because I said so. And if you do see it, you don't need me to pat you on the back.

Any debate is going to go the same way. Trump acts like Trump, therefore losing in the minds of some and absolutely killing it in the minds of others.

If we lived in a world where anyone still listened to anyone else's opinion, this might be worth pursuing. It isn't. I literally saw a woman get interviewed the other day, wearing a 'make America great again' hat, saying that no matter what facts the interviewer told her, she still loved Trump. She didn't care about the facts.

Okay. Here's one thing. Isn't it a little fucked up that one of the biggest fuckin' liars in the history of the presidential candidacy is somehow seen as a 'straight shooter' by so many people? This climate where a person can convince themselves that their opinion is equal to or greater than factual evidence is the real problem, here.

'But don't you see? Facts can be manipulated, whereas opinions are pure, even when they aren't based on facts! Ya idiot!' - every person who sucks.

(America, here's some free advice. You love free shit, so listen up. Hire someone who's qualified, not a hot bag of shit. I don't care what you think of anyone or anything. The job at stake is running your country. Your country! Who you 'like' and who you think is a 'truth-teller' isn't nearly as relevant as who can do the fucking job they're hired for. I wouldn't hire Donald Trump to do a single thing, let alone the most difficult and most important thing. This is the leader of the free world we're talking about. Not your favorite fucking contestant on your favorite fucking reality show. Use your fucking heads, for Christ's sake. I'm straight fed-up with this game of flirtation with that orange nightmare. Who paints their face to match their hair? Honestly!)

Short Answer: I'm seriously considering going full hermit. Twigs in the beard, roasted squirrel, feces-covered cave walls, the whole deal.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Question: I figured out how to screw with your whole system! I just have to include today's date and you have to answer it. So, what's your favorite thing that happened today, on

Oops. I guess your question got cut off there for some reason. And right before you could say what the date was. Jeez. That must be frustrating, huh?

I make the rules, bitch!

Short Answer: My favorite thing that happened today was handing you your ass.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Question: What's the best time for saucy pants?


(exhales mightily)
(becomes consternated over adverb usage)
(inhales mightily)

What the fuck is this!?!

(tells himself to remain calm. tells himself this is the life he chose. tells himself it's no one's fault but his own)

Nobody wants fucking sauce on their fucking pants!!!

(it's okay, everyone. he knows it's some sort of metaphor. he's had a rough couple of days)

Is this a sex thing? Are they talking about sex? Why don't they just say so? Do they mean flirting? When's a good time to be naughty? I don't know, all the time? When you want a thumb in your butt?

(all right. things are going a little sideways. if there were a set of rails, he would be veering off of them...oh shit, here he comes! He's pissed about the train analogy! Is that...he's got a knife!!! Run for -)

There. That's taken care of. Anyone else want a taste?


Good. Now, as for saucy pants, I'd say the best time is 8:47 AM.

Short Answer: You got a fucking problem with that?

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Question: In honor of the Magnificent Seven remake coming out this weekend, how about a favorite Westerns list?

I'm not as big a fan of the pure Western as some are, though I believe a lot of those elements exist in other genres, Sci-Fi and Fantasy to name a few. I guess the only reason I'm prefacing is because I don't feel like as much of an expert about this topic, so lucky this question asks for a 'favorite' list, not a comprehensive best of. That would be difficult because I don't particularly enjoy John Wayne, which if I understand correctly, means my penis-looking thing is actually a vagina.

(To be clear, here is a brief list of Westerns that I don't love: The Searchers, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Rio Bravo, High Noon, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Shootist, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, the original True Grit, Django Unchained, How The West Was Won, Silverado, Cat Ballou, The Gunfighter, Rio Grande, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Lone Star, Hondo...get the picture?)

My Favorite Westerns

20) Sukiyaki Western Django (2007) Takeshi Miike, creator of such turbulent awesomeness as Ichi the Killer, Gozu and Audition, brings his insanity to the classic warring, small town factions fable.
19) Maverick (1994) Before Mel Gibson was a crazy person, he was an actor. A good one. This Western is fun as balls, handled by Richard Donner. The movie, not the balls.
18) The Proposition (2005) Australia had a turn-of-the-century as well, apparently. This movie's got Guy Pearce, Danny Huston and Ray Winstone. It's a dirty one.
17) Quigley Down Under (1990) I've professed my admiration for Tom Selleck's work in this movie - and Mr. Baseball - numerous times on blog.
16) Dead Man (1995) Before Johnny Depp was a home wrecker, he was an actor. This is Jim Jarmusch being his Jarmuschiest in black and white.
15) Blazing Saddles (1974) You really going to argue with this being on here? You're disrespecting Gene Wilder!
14) The Quick and the Dead (1995) Sam Raimi's ridiculous romp into the tropes of gun fighting. Equal parts dumb and silly and great. The cast really makes this one, with Leo and Russell Crowe and a dastardly Gene Hackman (and a less dastardly Lance Henricksen).
13) The Last of the Mohicans (1992) Only reason this isn't higher is because technically it's not a Western like the others, taking place in an earlier time period. For those who wouldn't have cared, pretend it's higher. I don't own you.
12) Dances With Wolves (1990) Epic Kevin Costner movies have gone the way of scalping. This one's the best of the bunch. Compared to Waterworld and the Postman you ask?
11) Slow West (2015) The most recent movie on my list, this is Michael Fassbender and Ben Mendelssohn doing western things in a totally non-modern way. I think I'd buy Fassbender as just about anything.
10) Young Guns (1998) Fuck you. This movie is actually good. And everyone from your eighties' masturbatory fantasies is present.
9) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) People love these two fuckers, and the only reason this movie isn't a tad higher is because I have a particular problem with it. I think Newman is too good. So good I don't find the characters equal, and I don't buy into their camaraderie the way others do. Weird, huh?
8) The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966) I'm not as big a Sergio Leone guy as most big time Western fans. This is the best one, right?
7) The Wild Bunch (1969) Peckinpah is another guy I don't love like the purists, but he gets it right in this one. Borgnine for the win.
6) True Grit (2010) Fuck yeah, the Cohen Brothers! This is my idea of a good time all around.
5) Appaloosa (2008) Ed Harris directs himself...need I say more?
4) Open Range (2003) Kevin Costner keeping it simple and straightforward, with Robert Duvall killing it every which way as per usual.
3) The Magnificent Seven (1960) These guys are pretty cool, though I still wish Yul Brynner had been playing his character from Westworld. That would've made this movie amazing.
2) Tombstone (1993) "I'm your huckleberry."
1) Unforgiven (1992) This is a fucking landslide victory. I think Unforgiven is one of the greatest movies ever made.

Short Answer: Good chance I missed a few. I always liked Hang 'em High, but I get all those Eastwood-starring Westerns mixed up, so I choose not to include any of the lesser ones. Plus, he could dominate the list, and that wouldn't be fun. Still, films like Josey Wales and Pale Rider deserve a shout out. And maybe, while I'm at it, an honorable mention to Shane. Shane! Don't go, Shane, you piece of shit! Fuckin' Shane!!!

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Question: Ask yourself a question.

Funny. I just did. Well, technically I asked my wife, but she answered, "Iohno." Like, 'I don't know' with the least possible effort.

What I asked was, "What's it like for people who don't get told they aren't good enough every single day?" This was in reference to a rejection I just received.

Don't worry. I'm not down about it. In fact I said the word rejection out loud like I was Adam Sandler doing Cajun Man on Weekend Update.

Seriously, though. You fuckers! Most of you go through every day without being told you're a dung heap, and the only doubt you face is your own. Your insecurities come from the inside, your fears of things not working out are manufactured by your own guts. I don't have to live that way. I can get told to fuck off at almost any moment. I'm constantly reminded that what I do best isn't good enough. Imagine what that would be like at your job? If the principal took you aside, once every couple of days and said, "Listen, I can see what you're trying to do with those kids, but I just don't think I can endorse it. I'm not sure they'll learn this way. I can't see them being excited about your teaching style. It's possible you shouldn't be a teacher at all. But don't feel bad. Teaching is a tough business. This is just one principal's opinion. Keep trying. Maybe some kid will learn something from you at some point. Until then, you're a shit meatball."

Short Answer: A form rejection (meaning the non-personalized fuck off letter an agent or publisher sends out to everyone who queries them) can say many things, very few of them hurtful, but once in a while, it will say something like, "I just couldn't get excited enough about this project" or something, and those sting a little bit. Not as bad as "You're a festering garbage pile and your life is meaningless, get a real job, you fat hippy!" but close.

Note: In truth, rejections are almost always polite, and sometimes even encouraging. The worst rejection I ever got was a magazine that got excited about the first ten pages of a story and asked for the whole thing. Then, later, they rejected the story with a couple of paragraphs of scathing critique where they outlined that I had totally ruined my own premise. That was a shitty one.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Question: You started from the where are you?

Am I getting trolled by Drake?

First of all, the good news. I didn't start from the bottom.

The bad news is that I'm not far from where I started. In fact, I started in a family that made a lot more money than my current family does, on account of the matriarch and patriarch of that first family having great jobs due to lifelong work ethic and experience. I'm just a young punk with a young punk wife trying to build our dreams on privilege.


Nice try, Drake!

Short Answer: Here.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Question: Can you write me a horoscope?

For the week of whatever day it is to the next day that's the same name as this day.

Now's the time! Put away your dancing shoes and get ready for large opportunities at work or at home. But be cautious because now's not always the time. Plus you might want to break out your dancing shoes at work or at home. This is a good week for spending, and the next few days, along with the rest of the week, is a time to treat yourself by saving your money and being frugal, with the exception of food. Food is good! You'll eat almost every day this week, and probably take a few poops. Things are looking up in terms of that ambition you almost had, and prospective business partners are still mostly prospective. Your love life is going exactly how you'd expected. Use an app! This week is great for computers and weather, even if you want to shut off and stay inside out of the sun/rain/hailstorm/hurricane. Your lucky numbers aren't going to win the lottery!

Lucky Numbers: 6 and 9, just not in a sex way. Or is it in a sex way?

Short Answer: As some sort of astrological fish or tiger, you have a tendency to take generalizations and apply them to yourself. Continue!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Question: Did you not post yesterday?

Here's a conundrum.

When I get a question like this, I kind of have to shoot it to the front of the queue because otherwise it won't be topical. That's a dirty little way to exploit my dirty little secret, and to force your shit into existence instead of relaxing and letting it happen naturally. You're giving yourself hemorrhoids.

Also, in answering this, it sorta compiles the fact that I didn't post yesterday. It makes this post about that non-post, so we've doubled our bullshittery, unless I can make this post so fucking funny that it's better than if I'd done a real one. Or two.

Only, I'm not always funny. Sometimes I'm poignant as fuck. Sometimes I write the fuck out of a poem. Sometimes I say something heartfelt that makes you love me even more.

So in the spirit of not wasting two days, here's my attempt at doing all the good things in one go.

The ongoing election cycle in America, broad-shouldered and high-browed as it may seem, is a process that degrades the very essence of my soul.

And here's a dirty joke to make up for yesterday.

Whose head has a fart on it?

(farts on someone's head)

Short Answer: Sorry about yesterday. Had a friend in town, then didn't think to do this at an irregular time. Also, I thought, 'Fuck those assholes. My readers are such dicks. I'll probably get a question tomorrow about how I didn't post, and that will fuck up another day. Why do I even bother? I have the absolute worst fans. They should all go put something sharp up inside their own bodies.'

Monday, September 19, 2016

Question: Poemistry?

snap off your nose to spite your face
spout off your woes to mark your space
fight off your foes to state your case
space out your blows to find your pace

pull back your lips to bare your teeth
push out your tongue to snare your grief
reach down your throat to tear belief
hold out your palm to tease the thief

look at the sky to tilt your head
open wide to praise the dead

insert your fist to wrest your pride
insert your foot to slip right by

Short Answer: Poemistry. Good title.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Question: What are you up to?

My wife just tried to sneeze and instead wheezed like a dying-vacuum and loudly asked, "Where did that one go?"

And I'm supposed to focus on this shit?

She's also sitting on the couch naked, playing with her phone. Probably looking up a bunch of dicks. Like, a roundtable with six or eight guys of the perfect height, settling their dicks together to make a gorgeous dick design.

Now she's walking past me, all nude, butt doing that wriggly buttstuff, boobs a half-foot from my face, all bouncy and...

Short Answer: Masturbating. What are you up to?

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Question: Have you seen that Corey Feldman Today show performance yet?

There isn't much to say about this, save that it's not even close to the weirdest thing he's done.

You know what, I take that back. I'm tired of people calling his performance 'bizarre' and 'strange' and 'weird' because they're afraid to say what it really was.

Fucking awful.

I loved Corey Feldman in my youth. I even thought he was charming in Dream a Little Dream. That's right. Fan.

At some point he decided he was a musician. He liked to dance and sing, and Hollywood wasn't calling anymore, so he went down that road. Good for him! Do your thing, Corey Feldman. Have a blast. Live your life.

The point is, I'm no hater, but that doesn't mean I have to be a liar. Corey Feldman is a terrible singer. His voice sounds like a frog trying to croak around a diseased cock during a particularly lazy throat-stuffing. The music is generic and lifeless. He even lacks the confidence of a showman, so that he can't be given credit for 'pulling it off' despite the awful product. He looks out of place as a rock star and always has. Go back and watch his videos and you'll see what I'm saying.

Some people just aren't good at some things. And again, if this hobby makes him happy, great. But if he puts himself on the television or tries to crowd fund for 100,000 dollars to make more music, that's when we need to pick up the baton and be truthful. Obviously he has enough yes men.

People can do what they want. I really believe that. And this isn't hurting anyone. But doesn't it feel gross to straight up feel embarrassed for someone, especially when they don't know the joke's on them? I guess if he doesn't care, so be it.

Point is, it's not bizarre. It's sub-par. It's laughable. It's awkward and it makes everyone feel funny. Having said that, this Today show performance you're talking about is probably the most normal he's ever looked while pursuing this rock star thing. Seriously, if you can take it, look up the other stuff. Then get back to me about what's bizarre.

Short Answer: Another point of embarrassment is that he seems like he has the world awareness of a twelve-year-old. He thinks he's got something cool and interesting in a double album about good vs. evil. Has no one told him there's nothing original here? That dressing your female band in Victoria Secret angel costumes does not make your shitty ideas any deeper in meaning? Poor Corey. (For the record, I saw him on a reality show once and he was a pretty nice guy. All of the above, but also nice. Look that up, too.)