Thursday, December 31, 2015

Question: Is "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake about masturbating? I think it is.

I suppose hoping to get a New Year's Eve question on New Year's Eve is similar to people expecting a certain kind of answer when they ask a question. None of us get what we want. Except your mother, who luckily only wants full-fat yoghurt.

That song isn't about masturbation. The only reason you would think this is if you're such a chronic masturbator, that you often say, 'Ah, shit, here I go again!' followed by something savagely inappropriate like, 'Wish I'd gotten away from this PTA meeting earlier!'

I think it's safe to say (not that I give a fuck) if you think 'here I go again' right before you drop trou and give it to the mini-you, you're doing it far too often. Do you also have to shoulder check? Look for blood? Stretch each individual finger to prevent clawing? You've got a problem, and Whitesnake ain't it, brother.

Wait, I just thought of something that's wrong with your brain. The band Whitesnake makes you think of penises! Yes Coverdale is attractive, and yes Tawny Kitaen is all up in that video, but because your only sexual outlet is coaxing the cream, your mind goes to masturbation when you see the words white and snake! You might be gay, too! You're welcome!

Like a drifter? C'mon, man! That's a friggin' stretch.

Short Answer: By this logic, It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas could be about masturbation because you get snow at the end. Ball snow.

Note: My computer says Whitesnake isn't a word, and wants me to change it to Whiten Snake, the best toothpaste ever.

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