Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Question: Have you finished your Christmas shopping?

I was about to lay into the asker of this question like they were a total dolt. Something like, 'Why the fuck wouldn't I be done my Christmas shopping, Sir Dolt? It's two fucking days before Christmas! Do I look like an absolute moron with a gaping butthole?'

But the truth is, I haven't finished. I have to go today. To the mall. In real life.

So sadly, the answer is no. I'm a pretty huge piece of shit.

Wanna ask me anything else that makes me feel like an idiot? How about that time my mom got punched in the face and I laughed? Huh? Wanna talk about that? No. No one does. Except my friggin' mom. Every time I see her.

"You didn't do anything," she says, with a look of disappointment in her eyes.
"You're the one who slept with her husband," I say.
"And you wouldn't have slept with a member of Platinum Blonde if you had the chance?"
"I never said that, Mom!"

Short Answer: This got weird. Happy Holidays, everyone!

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