Thursday, December 31, 2015

Question: Is "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake about masturbating? I think it is.

I suppose hoping to get a New Year's Eve question on New Year's Eve is similar to people expecting a certain kind of answer when they ask a question. None of us get what we want. Except your mother, who luckily only wants full-fat yoghurt.


That song isn't about masturbation. The only reason you would think this is if you're such a chronic masturbator, that you often say, 'Ah, shit, here I go again!' followed by something savagely inappropriate like, 'Wish I'd gotten away from this PTA meeting earlier!'


I think it's safe to say (not that I give a fuck) if you think 'here I go again' right before you drop trou and give it to the mini-you, you're doing it far too often. Do you also have to shoulder check? Look for blood? Stretch each individual finger to prevent clawing? You've got a problem, and Whitesnake ain't it, brother.


Wait, I just thought of something that's wrong with your brain. The band Whitesnake makes you think of penises! Yes Coverdale is attractive, and yes Tawny Kitaen is all up in that video, but because your only sexual outlet is coaxing the cream, your mind goes to masturbation when you see the words white and snake! You might be gay, too! You're welcome!


Like a drifter? C'mon, man! That's a friggin' stretch.


Short Answer: By this logic, It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas could be about masturbation because you get snow at the end. Ball snow.


Note: My computer says Whitesnake isn't a word, and wants me to change it to Whiten Snake, the best toothpaste ever.







Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Question: Is Trump going to have a good year?

I've already addressed this multiple times. I have to answer this question in some fashion because those are the rules, but I'm done talking about Trump.


I don't want to believe that people are stupid enough to get behind this guy to lead an anal train, let alone a country. If they are, my bad. It will be one of the few times my faith in humanity was present, and not one of the few that it was utterly destroyed.


Short Answer: In the sense that he's a billionaire who fucks super models, yes. In the sense that he looks like a pouting hairbrush recently used on a shedding Pomeranian, no.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Question: What should I expect of 2016?

Expect me to be your dad, if railing your mother's hatchet on a bi-weekly basis means that.

Short Answer: I was gonna say some relevant, hopeful stuff here, but I don't know man. Maybe it will be President Trump.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Question: Are Jews uncomfortable around Christmas?

They're uncomfortable around Hitler. Other than that, I'm not much of an expert.


I know Jewish people who totally embrace Christmas, and I know Jewish people who rock the shit out of Hanukkah, but I've never once got the sense that they were uncomfortable. Almost no one I've ever met puts any religious significance on the holiday, if that's what you're getting at. Jesus isn't relevant to my Christmas, so why would he be relevant to theirs?


Quite simply, if I went to a house at Christmas time, and they had a dead dog hanging from a coat rack and the floor was covered in chicken stock powder, and they said 'Merry Christmas' at the door, I'd be like, whatever.


To each his own. Religions and cultures and beliefs don't have to make you into a hateful, scaredy douche around the holidays. That's a choice, like murder and supporting boy bands.


Short Answer: I've seriously never met anyone, not of any creed or color, that is pissy about people having a good time around the holidays in whatever way makes them happy. Oh. Expect hard-core atheists. They don't like the Christ in Christmas at all. Ask them about it; you'll see.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Question: you're a mean one, mr Keith?

Sadly, this question is less relevant than it would've been...before I stole Christmas!

And that joke would've worked better if you didn't just have a great Christmas that blatantly lacked a bearded miscreant that appeared and tried to stuff your tree up the chimney.

I am no Grinch. I love all this shit. I really do wish that people would be kinder to one another throughout the year. One day doesn't seem like enough.

Short Answer: I hope your shit was tight. 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Question: What's the correct profanity to use when you thought that you pvr'd Die Hard to watch on Christmas Day but then realized it only recorded audio and not video?

'Fuuuuuuuuudddddge.'


Only you don't say 'fudge'. You say the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the 'F-dash-dash-dash' word.


That's from a Christmas Story, the wholesome family entertainment you should be watching on Christmas.


Why don't you own a copy of Die Hard? It's only the greatest action movie of all time. You brought this on yourself, Grinch.


Short Answer: Last night I watched both Bob Clark Christmas movies back to back: A Christmas Story then Black Christmas. It was a fucking delight.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Question: I want you to save this question until Christmas Eve. Can you?

Well. Here we are in a fine pickle.


Did you, perhaps, forget to ask the question? Or is there another question in the queue that I didn't realize was related to this? How could I know if it was, I might ask you?


So the answer is yes. I can save this question until Christmas Eve. Only thing is now it's kind of on me to make this special with absolutely nothing to go on.


Historically, Christmas Eve is a pretty fun day for me. Used to be Chinese food with my family, until they became two families. Then still Chinese food with half the family for a while. Lately, my wife and I have co-opted the night for ourselves, doing our own gift exchange and spending the night alone, without family.


Sometimes I even get to see her boobs.


Christmas Eve is a time for boobs, isn't it? I like to wassail them.


(That's the second time this holiday season that I've used the term wassail on blog. Only seven more to go. Can I make it in time?)


On Christmas Eve, if my wife has been wassailing all day and is filthy enough, I get to watch her in the shower. She wassails up her boobs while I wassail myself and then we take it to the bedroom where we watch a video of a black midget totally wassailing an old lady while the old lady wassails into a jug filled with orange and lemon slices. Then they drink the spiced wassail and I wassail on my wife's tits.


How many was that?


One short? Goddamn it! Christmas has been ruined!


Short Answer: This has been like the holiday season of jizz jokes. No matter what I do, I keep wassailing out the same punch line. Wait? Was that...yes! It's a Christmas miracle! I've met my quota for wassailing!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Question: Have you finished your Christmas shopping?

I was about to lay into the asker of this question like they were a total dolt. Something like, 'Why the fuck wouldn't I be done my Christmas shopping, Sir Dolt? It's two fucking days before Christmas! Do I look like an absolute moron with a gaping butthole?'


But the truth is, I haven't finished. I have to go today. To the mall. In real life.


So sadly, the answer is no. I'm a pretty huge piece of shit.


Wanna ask me anything else that makes me feel like an idiot? How about that time my mom got punched in the face and I laughed? Huh? Wanna talk about that? No. No one does. Except my friggin' mom. Every time I see her.


"You didn't do anything," she says, with a look of disappointment in her eyes.
"You're the one who slept with her husband," I say.
"And you wouldn't have slept with a member of Platinum Blonde if you had the chance?"
"I never said that, Mom!"


Short Answer: This got weird. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Question: Can any modern christmas song top George Michaels' "Last Christmas"?

First, here's a relevant answer from 2013:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/12/question-what-are-you-favorite.html


I was actually surprised to see that Last Christmas was only number eight on this list, because I sing its virtues so often and so strongly. I think I like it more each year, and I do believe it's hard to top. Mariah Carey did a pretty good job with her new one a few years back, but Last Christmas feels both modern and traditional to me because I grew up with it. I also grew up with a weak, dark-haired sidekick that I had to kick out of the 'band' at one point so I really relate to anything Wham does. Even mounting other men.


Short Answer: It's possible that nothing makes me happier than hearing this song for the first time each year. Not even blowjob pizza, which turns out is a lot worse than one might think.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Question: Do they know it's Christmas time, at all?

The first thing I thought when I saw this?


What, the starvers?


Not who, and not, people who are hungry. What, the starvers. Yep. What does that say about me I wonder?


I like the idea of feeding the world. People shouldn't go hungry. And especially not at Christmas time, when I gorge myself so thoroughly that I tip the world food scales like a troll tipping up a picnic table and letting all the food, checked table cloth and all, slide down his gullet. Seriously, I've eaten so many things wrapped in other things this year, it's getting obscene.


To be even more obscene in the face of this question, here's what I did the other day. I marinated some chicken wings in lime and garlic, then braised them in homemade duck stock, then lacquered them with a pad thai inspired glaze.


Christmas! Excessive treats for no reason! Would I forego the duck stock to feed some poor people, of course I would. But I refuse to feel guilty that better systems aren't in place. I do the best I can with what I have, just like everyone else. My wife seems to think it's sufficient, even though she still laughs sometimes when I take my pants down. I lost the plot here, one sec...


Short Answer: Let them know it's pad thai wings this year!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Question: "Santa Baby" Eartha Kitt or Kylie Minogue?

Normally I try to respect the question if I'm given a choice between two things. But this is very personal to me, so I'm going to do what I friggin' want to.


The answer is Madonna.


I love the Eartha Kitt one, too, so that would definitely be the answer to your question. I think the Kylie Minogue one is too slutty and weird, kinda like Kylie Minogue's face. She's just doing a less adorable Madonna. In the song, not the face.


And Taylor Swift's version can go wassail itself. She sounds like a little kid doing a grown up thing and it makes me feel bad in my utility belt.


Short Answer: Batman.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Question: "It's Cold Outside". A super sexy Christmas song?

I'm pleased to be able to address this.


I think it's a fabulous Christmas song. Sexy, a little, maybe. But that's not what we're really talking about, is it?


Some people think this song is creepy because of some of the lines. Like 'what's in this drink' and 'lay your poon over here.' But it was a different time, man! Do you really think that when this song was written they were implying something sinister? That the dude was drugging her to keep her there or something? No fucking way. Yes times have changed, and yes we're more sensitive about women getting casually imprisoned against their will, but I think you're really stretching if you think this song is about a sexual assault of some kind.


So I won't go so far as to say 'super sexy' because I would never say that because I hate alliteration, but also because Christmas songs don't turn me on. Except maybe Santa Baby. Yea, Santa baby.


Short Answer: Sticky keyboards, dressed in jizz-glops, this is Santa's big day!

Friday, December 18, 2015

Question: Could you sing the Mr. Grinch song for us?

This is kinda blowing my mind. In the 5 years I've been doing this, no one has ever asked me to sing.

So I'll share my thoughts. How the shit am I going to sing on blog? I'm sure as hell not going to record myself; I don't want you all cumming out of your ears from pure joy. Plus I don't want to ruin the original for you.

I guess the answer is no. I can't sing for you. But I do love me some motherfucking Grinch. As compromise, I'll masturbate to the cartoon and try to finish on stink, stank, stunk.

Short Answer: Thinking of me blowing a fat load on the shag carpet is a close second to hearing my orgasmic singing voice. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Question: Would you please dress up like Black Peter for my kids' Christmas concert?

"It's a trap!"


I'm not putting on black face for your damn show. I know how this goes. You think I'm stupid as well as racist? Well, fuck you! I'm only one of those things!


Short Answer: If you don't know who Black Peter is, look that shit up. He's the companion of St. Nicholas, and he's kinda like a superhero, the way that Black Panther or Black Lightning are superheroes because they're black. Or something. Somehow the black thing is relevant. Otherwise, why would they be called black? Couldn't just be Panther or Lightning! Oh, it could be? Right, racism.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Question: Ol' Fezziwig, amirite?

If amirite means doesn't the character of Fezziwig from A Christmas Carol represent the best things about humanity, Christmas spirit and an appropriate way to approach business ethics in a post-industrialized world as he brings values from a pre-industrialized world? then youarrite.


If you're implying that the Christmas spirit is upon you, and this is a way to shake cyber-hands on the joys of being not a douche at Christmas time, then you are right again.


If you're referring back to a time when we were all younger and more innocent before we started making terrible decisions based on greed, self-interest and a longing for the unimportant...well, this is getting tedious. How many lessons are you trying to teach us in three short words?


You know there's a Fezziwig book? It's an historical novel written by Danny Kuhn. I don't know why anyone would want to read it, but it exists. Maybe it's good. If you can't get enough Fezziwig, or you're the kind of person who thinks, "I'd like to read an entire false autobiography about this minor Charles Dickens' character," well, you're in luck.


Short Answer: The first of the truly Christmassy questions this year. So it begins in style. Fezziwig style! "No one cuts a fuckin' rug like Fezziwig." - Me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Question: Who wants a lap dance?

I've never had a lap dance. Unless you call getting dry-humped by your male friends a lap dance. You could, I figure, because in the end you get the same amount of a boner.

That amount is 100%.

I know strippers aren't filthy or diseased. They're just regular girls who rub on dude's wieners and make good decisions about how often to show off the girls.

Still, that's a lot of mancrotch that I don't want to get near. As I said, only my male friends may hump me with pants on. Or skirts.

Short Answer: Having a woman do things in my pants with her whirling buttocks is no problem. But the lap dance scenario makes me think about all the sweaty hog that has been only a few inches away from the magic. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Question: Do you like Bauer products?

My mind goes to the motivation behind this very specific question. Would it be wrong to assume that some sort of Bauer product just totally betrayed you? A broken stick, perhaps? Did a hockey bag try to smother you in your sleep? Maybe a skate broke off and threatened to cut a gang member?


Sometimes it's very difficult to find the funny.


I've had a few Bauer things. I guess they're fine.


But you know what's better? Jack Bauer things! Like when he infiltrates a warehouse full of dudes and fuck-murders the lot of them!


Short Answer: I wish I had a Jack Bauer hockey stick that said 'Dammit!' every time I took a slap shot.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Question: Can I ask you to do a freebie? To talk about whatever you want?

You can.


There's some precedent for this, in fact. Only problem is, the timing of this one is a little off. I got a really good night's sleep and I feel relaxed and incapable of bitching.


I did wake up thinking about a brand of underwear called Ball Rear, which I imagine has an ad campaign circling around the idea that it sounds a little like the term 'bullroar'. If you don't know that term, it's like saying bullshit but without the swearage.


I guess the ad would be, "Those are the best undies I've ever seen!" "That's a bunch of Ball Rear!"


This is what you get for letting do what I want.


What else? Had a dream where I was Superman. We fought this baddass Krytponian guy, but when we beat him my stupid wife dropped the Crystal Vile of Life onto this chest and he absorbed it, making him even badder and stronger. When we got home, he trapped us inside. I was trying to get out of the house, but he was at every exit, faster than me by a long shot. It was fuckign scary. Once I finally got outside, he and my wife - who was also a Krytponian - were fighting. To stop him, but not hurt her, I had to employ some super breathing to knock him backward. I realized that he was gasping for air, and quite a bit more heavily than was expected. Wait, I thought! Living things need oxygen to live! So I started super sucking all of the air from around him and blowing it away until he fucking died.


Nope. I wasn't done. I picked him up and mouth to mouth sucked him until he turned into a shrivelled, blue baby. Then we buried him in the yard.


Real dream. No ball rear.


Short Answer: I don't know that I've ever been a fictional character like that in a dream. It was really blatant that I wasn't me at all. I was Superman. It was a pretty good feeling to be Superman. I recommend it.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Question: What do you think of Donald Trump?

If it wasn't for the only rule of my blog (which is 'answer every question' if you didn't know) I wouldn't even address this. I have no desire to give this my attention.


It's becoming increasingly normal for assholes to run rampant at the front of the Republican party, banking on the party's ability to keep their own constituents in the dark. Education makes the world better; people like this clown are only popular among the un-informed, just the way Republicans need their voters to be.


Typically, someone slightly more sane rises. I think what's scaring people - and what may be different - about Trump is that he's saying really hateful things, not just lacing us with stupidity. I respect that it worries people, I'm just not surprised that his rhetoric is popular. Did you know that in certain polls over the years nearly a quarter of the country though it was possible that Barack Obama was the antichrist? The percentage of idiots who think he's a Muslim is even higher. Sadly, there are enough uneducated people in the States to make someone like Trump - a man with a camel's ball sack on his head - look like a real threat.


I hold to the fact that he isn't, and that his supporters are a hateful, moronic minority. Other than that, he's a cartoon. I don't need to seriously consider the election of a cartoon. I don't even necessarily believe that he believes what he's saying. He's just a kid in the spotlight, clapping his hands because the adults keep laughing and saying he's adorable.


A scarier thought is that maybe we deserve him. After years and years of allowing the influx of money into the political system, gerrymandering, blatant lying and terrible behaviour by our representatives, a guy from 'the outside' seems somehow appropriate. Maybe we made this. Maybe we should be sure to wake up early enough to keep it from happening. I fear that he'll pick a Kardashian as a running mate and then we're fucked.


Short Answer: I thought Donald Trump was an entertaining public figure. His reality show was pretty good, and he was pretty good on it. I think he may still be in a reality show, and the show is still pretty engaging. But we might want to think about changing the channel before he gets into power and changes the Amazing Race into a show about white supremacy.


Note: Answered a similar question in August:


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/08/question-how-much-do-you-love-idea-of.html

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Question: Do you like Rodney Dangerfield?

Yes.


Hard to dislike Rodney Dangerfield. He kills it at comedy, googly eyes and dancing.


Not much else to say about this one, I'm afraid. Caddyshack good.


Short Answer: I think it's possible that every person in Caddyshack was never better than they were in Caddyshack.


Note: Favorite Rodney Dangerfield One Liners/Quotes/Jokes


"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot; but I always found them."
"Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor; I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met."
"My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, 'All right, you're ugly, too.'"
"What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all."
"I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother."
"My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves."
"I come from a stupid family; during the Civil War my uncle fought for the West!"
"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot."
"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
"My old man, I told him I'm tired of running in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand."
"Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Question: Can you scare us?

Having a pierced tongue elevates your chance of heart problems.
Flushing a toilet sends bacteria around the room up to a distance of two meters.
There is an acceptable amount of 'filth' in your food, including feces, insects, rat hair and maggots.
There's a squid with teeth similar to that of a human being.
If you tell others of your goals, it makes you less likely to meet them.
In more than half the states in the US, a rapist can sue for custody rights.
You will never remember how a dream started.
Mites live on your eyelashes.
Smiling makes you feel better, but you're too stupid to bother.
On average, a person lies four times a day.
Serial killers are 70 times more interesting to converse with.
If you live an average lifespan you'll spend 25 years waiting on things, like the microwave, or for someone to reply to a text.
Biochemically speaking, being in love and having obsessive compulsive disorder are almost identical.
You are paralyzed when you're sleeping.
90 percent of people text what they can't say in person.
You are never more than ten feet away from a spider.
Losing your cell phone is similar to having a near-death experience.
Emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes; any longer amounts are self-inflicted.


Short Answer: I've seen you in the shower.



Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Question: I'm in junior high and I get random boners sometimes in class. What should I do?

First off, you're probably too young to be reading any words I ever write on this blog. If you take even I tiny bit of my advice you'll be in jail with tears tattooed on your face by the age of seventeen.


Having said that, boners are for fucking stuff. So when you get one you should fuck something nearby. Now obviously no person who owns an orifice anywhere near you is going to think it's acceptable to open up in the middle of class, so you'll have to fuck some inanimate stuff. I suggest a pencil case (if they still exist). You can fill one with silly putty (if it still exists) before school.


Life is really easy like this. People get so fustigated about everything, but boners go away when the hot yoghurt is released. So release the hot yoghurt.


Release the hot yoghurt!


Short Answer: Try yelling that in a movie lineup.


Note: You will get expelled if you ejaculate in a junior high classroom. Trust. Me.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Question: I'm having trouble pooping these days. Do you have any tricks to keep regular?

Metamucil, bitch. You can get the orange drank or the pills. Or you can take a low dose of milk of magnesia for a bit to soften up your business. Other than that, we're talking increased fibre and water. Aim for 30 grams of fibre and 3 litres of water per day. That should make shit work.

Short Answer: Never force it, sister. Better to not go than to force it. 

Question: Is it Ok that I'm Ok with my boyfriend occasionally getting a massage with a happy ending?

This is definitely one of those life is simple type situations.


If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you. If someone else tells you it should bother you, they're wrong. If you listen to someone telling you it should bother you, you're wrong.


More specifically, getting a jerk-off from a lady stranger isn't a big deal. The only thing that's a big deal is what makes you feel bad, strange or awkward. For some, that's letting their partners play jizzy with a naked Polynesian lass, for others, it's not having the right brand of coffee. It's about knowing what makes you happy, and what makes your partner happy, and not worrying about anything outside of those parameters.


Relationships are rife with compromise. So pick your battles. If it hurts you in your heart, address it. If it just makes you pissy, talk about it. If you know you're being stupid, selfish or childish, let it go.


There is no, "I would never let my girlfriend/boyfriend do that!" That's a construct of inflexible states. Partnerships are ever-changing; not calm seas but crashing tides, where communication is the only vessel that keeps you afloat.


Check out the difference in these exchanges.


"I would never let my husband do that."
"Yea, I guess you're right. What was I thinking?"


or


"I would never let my husband do that."
"Well, he came to me and asked. It was a difficult conversation but I'm glad we had it. Turns out it doesn't bother me all that much, and his happiness is more important to me than what other people think."


Which one sounds more reasonable?


But be warned, it goes both ways.


"Honey, there's a new guy at work. He's really sweet and he has a massive penis. I'd like to let him stuff it in my butt. And I figure that's okay because that's a place that you and I don't do it, so my vagina will still just be for you. Except on Friday's when he and I work late so he really has a chance to get up in there, and I'll probably be sore throughout the area.This will make me emotionally stable in a way that I've never been before, and I'll be less happy without feeling the fullness of his huge dick up inside where my asshole is. That cool?"


Short Answer: There ain't no one way streets. Which is pertinent and relevant, but also good advice if you're going to experiment with anal.





Friday, December 4, 2015

Question: What are your thoughts on the lady boy phenomenon in Thailand?

My thoughts are mostly positive, if not intellectually stimulating. I mean, if you've got a dick and boobs, that's pretty much everything that's important, right?


(My stomach just growled and it went - do, do, do, d-do.)


Did you know it's called kathoey? Like ka-blooey but with testicles.


(My stomach is seriously freaking out. Do, do, deedly-do, do-b-doo, doop.)


I wonder if my hunger for both tits and wangs is making my stomach act up? I heard 'lady boy' and I'm all like grrrrrrr...let's get some!


(Squiggly. Squiggly-sqawgally-do-boop.)


It think it's cool that there's an accepted third gender there, though I suppose if it sprouted from an international desire to 'do something weird in a butt' that's not as encouraging as pure acceptance.


There are a lot of kathoey sex workers - who have a high rate of HIV - but lady boys also work in lots of other jobs. So it's more wide spread than just fuckery. They even have kathoey celebrities in Thailand. Like regular ones; not like Bruce Jenner.


Short Answer: Mentioning Bruce Jenner calmed my stomach. What the hell does that mean?

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Question: I love coffee but I feel that I drink too much of it. Do you have any advice?

Stop drinking it entirely. Coffee is dumb. Do you really need a stimulant? I mean, at all? Do you need drugs to help you sleep? Uppers and downers, all day? If you do, fine, you're lost. But if you've never thought of it that way, maybe stop taking all the drugs for a bit and see how you feel.


You can switch to decaf if you just like the taste of coffee, and that will help you ease off. Because there will be withdrawal if you drink a lot of coffee. You'll feel like withered ass.


Personally, I never understood the appeal. I actually like the taste of coffee when there's some sugar and milk and bourbon and other things to mask the horrible coffee taste in it, but if I drank fully caffeinated coffee I'd be up on the roof, convinced I can flap my arms fast enough to hover like a humming bird.


Speaking of birds, cold turkey. That's my advice. Or stop being a fucking puss and do what you like. Drink as much coffee as you want. Who's telling you not to? Your mom?


Short Answer: Are you gonna cry about it? Are you? You gonna cry?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Question: Someone keeps tying my shoes together. Help me!

The latest entry in my Retarded Fuckers series of answers, this one takes the slow-cake.


Let me explain to you the process of elimination, as though you were six, and not an adult with the brain capacity of a six year old.


Was it you?
Was it one of the people who has access to your shoes?


There. Problem solved.


Now if you're asking what you should do about it, that's another potato. Try peeing on the back of the person's neck. It's funny because they'll be torn between freaking out because it's wet and making a yummy noise because it's warm. If you really want to mess with them, don't drink a lot of water and save up a real, thick stinky pee, to add the 'what smells' portion of the dilemma.


Short Answer: Please don't tell me the help you needed was to be told to untie your shoes. 'I keeps tryin' ta walk and my feets get all confused!' That's what you sound like.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Question: I waited until I was drunk to ask you a question. But you can't tell because I checked all the words. Here's the question. Do you like to get drunk?

I think this might be a marriage proposal. Way to check all the words, by the way. It's true, that I could not tell that you were drunk. Despite the fact that you told me.


I've never been much of a drinker. There's some alcoholism in both my family and my wife's, so it's never been all that viable a path for either of us. And I think you need to do it together or someone gets pissy.


In the last few years I've found myself drinking wine at a friend's house on a fairly regular basis. That's been fun. I like wine, and I even like the feeling of having a little too much. For someone like me who never loses control to any degree, putting a toe in the water can be refreshing. I also find the sensation of getting tipsy very humorous, which fuels a different sort of hilarious output. Think 'sad man crying' but with more dicks out.


Short Answer: I don't like to get drunk drunk. Like vomit in an attaché case drunk. I don't like ruining the microfiche. I've gone off the rails, here. This is the drunk of blog writing.