Saturday, October 31, 2015

Question: Happy Halloween!

This isn't a question.

Short Answer: I too like Halloween.

Note: Wow. I feel bad about this one for some reason. I already published it, in fact, so you might be getting the shitty version without this...what's the opposite of a preamble? Postamble? Sounds like what a person from the UK calls an ambulance or a postal truck. Anywho, just wanted to say that Halloween's great, and that if you want some Halloween themed answers, you'll have to go through the archives. People didn't ask me many Halloween questions this year, and I've been a little preoccupied so I failed to come up with some fun ideas for Halloween themed answers.

Peas and carrots!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Question: Have you ever had occasion to use the phrase "bippity boppity boo" in a threatening manner?

Shit. I always thought it was 'bibbidy bobbidy'. Fuck me.

Threatening, perhaps not quite. But I did see a stage play of Mary Poppins when I was about fourteen and when the chimney sweep slipped I bibbidy bobbidy booed his clumsy ass.

Well, that's not true, but it's a nice image.

Like me having a man-sized penis rather than this baby pinky between my bestial thighs that if appropriately named would have a moniker along the lines of:

the laugh factory
pleaser of no women
pig tail
pencil eraser
the part the chef cut off his finger
the smaller ball
the dissapointanator
the cat nose
when Harry saw Sally's clitoris

Short Answer: I actually have a hefty, thermos-like penis. So long as you've got cookies, man!

Note: It's okay to be confused by that short answer. It just kind of came out. But it's non-threating, like my teensy-weensy wang.

Double Note: My penis is a good size.

Triple Note: Yea, I just remembered this question wasn't about my penis at all.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Question: Raven Symone or Jaleel White?


Fuck you.

This question is so shitty.

See what I did there?

I'm not going through categories. Raven Symone was adorable and hilarious on the Cosby Show when she was little. Then she grew up and fat and did something unbearable. Jaleel White has only done the unbearable.

Short Answer: How much better would this question be if it was Nina Simone and Betty White? Get better, internet.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Question: Can you gross me out?

See, this is the kind of thing that gets me into trouble.

Of course I can. But because I don't know you personally, instead of flailing, I'll shine a little light on the process of grossing out, which is very similar to the process of making something mundane seem funny.

Here's a statement:

"I'd like to get in that girl's butt."

Not too gross, no real imagery. But if we escalate:

"I'd like to put a finger inside that girl's butt."

That's a bit better, but not really gross, just more descriptive. Now watch this:

"I'd like to worm a finger into that girl's asshole."

See what I did there? Now there are some strong actions, images and the word asshole, which is gross. Know what's grosser?

"I'm gonna worm some fingers into her arsehole."

There we have it! Intent, implied aggression (if not malice), multiple fingers and the most grody word for an anus: arsehole. Now it's gross!

You can take this formula and provide escalation for almost any simple statement, to make people laugh or upchuck.

"I make biscuits," becomes: "All this vag yeast is going into this Bisquick, stat."
"Here's a sex toy," can be: "Let's go mouth to ass with this frozen turd popsicle."
"Let's go to the movies," is now: "I buttered the popcorn with my semen so we wouldn't have to pay extra at the concession stand."

Short Answer: The grossest thing about the last one is how expensive concession stands are. They're the arsehole of the movie theater.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Question: Old balls?

Elderly nuts.
Advanced sack.
Aged bag.
Expired pills.
Senior cojones.
Venerable junk.
Garbage in dotage.
Long in the package.
Grey-haired boys.
Past gonad prime.
Ancient testicles.
Doddering scrotum.
Senile jewels.
Not long for these bollocks.

Short Answer: Decrepit garbage. Over the hill bundle. Getting on in years pouch. No spring testes chicken...

Monday, October 26, 2015

Question: Is it too early for Halloween horror movie marathon reccomendations?

Shit no. Here's a fresh lineup that will blow your ass off.

Seek out the remake of Maniac starring Elijah Wood. It's a POV horror movie! I really enjoyed it, and I think there's a lot of fun to be had, so long as you don't sick up.

Creep starring Mark Duplass was a sweet little surprise. Then go with Antichrist by Lars Von Trier for more sick up. Then seek out a little British movie called The Kill List and thank me later, and to top it all off, throw in your favorite Wes Craven film to honor his passing, or if you weren't a fan, celebrate the 40th anniversary of possibly the greatest film ever made, Jaws.

There. Your own little horror marathon? What's that? You'd like me to put together an alternative lineup?


Start off with Lucky McKee's brilliant little gem, May. Then ease into Korean revenger I Saw the Devil, followed by Dario Argento's insane masterpiece Phenomena. Hit a classic like The Omen, then finish with a dash of the new movie everyone's talking about: It Follows!

One more? Why not!?!!?!

Start off right with John Carpenter's Halloween, then left turn into Lucio Fulci's Zombie! Next, the quirky and underrated The People Under the Stairs in honor of Mr. Craven, or Jacob's Ladder if you're not a Craven fan. Then crazy, nightmare turn into Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Delicatessen, and finish off with Universal's best, Bride of Frankenstein!

Short Answer: That should keep you going for a few nights.

Here's one for real pros.

Evil Dead
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Shining
Deep Red
The Ring

Oh, that doesn't intimidate you?


The Exorcist
In the Mouth of Madness


Let the Right One In
High Tension
Piranha (by Aja)
The Lost Boys
Prince of Darkness

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Question: I like when you do those things where you look up words on Google and comment on what it says.

Maybe I shouldn't assume everything that comes through my inbox is a question, but I fail to accept that people just want to tell me things on my contact form. So I treat each one like a question. I like to think it encourages participation. Maybe I'm wrong.

I just did one of these posts rather recently, but I guess I can go again. This might take some time, so go get a cup of coffee. Oh, right, time isn't the same for us. Read it now, I guess. Why do I feel rushed all of a sudden?

Girl gets...hit with shovel. #1. World fucked. #1. Yep. Time to fucking weaponize space, everyone.
Is it bad if...your poop is green. For the win. Though the rest are worth mentioning. 2...your pee is clear. poop blood (yes). bruise easily.
How common is...herpes. You guessed it. Mostly STDs here. By the way, they're all very, very common.
If Adolf...Hitler flew in today. This one blew my mind. Flew in from where? Was he on vacation? Are we all going to meet him at the airport? I guess we're all really close friends with Hitler. Maybe we can help him move.
Digging a dream. I guess this is a common occurrence for people. I've never dreamt of digging a grave, so I was surprised. I looked up what it meant, but the answers were too disparate and all positive, which made no sense to me. Plus who can tell you what your dream means? It might mean you like digging graves. You might be a gravedigger for a living, so it probably doesn't mean 'you're moving on in your life' or some other bullshit. Means you dig graves. #4 hand. That's more like it.
Eating pizza...everyday. #1! Thanks, America! #2...before workout. Obviously. #3...before bed. Yep. If #4 had been...during sex, it would have been a clean sweep for me.
Googled my...therapist at #3. I found this interesting. First, the commonality of therapists, and second the checking up factor as though their credentials aren't enough. 'Who this bitch? Why she think she can tell me what to do?' Canada at #1! Welcome, tourists.
Thailand...horror movies at #1. I thought maybe hookers or transgender something, but nope. Faith restored. (Gonna watch a Thai horror movie this Halloween. And probably have sex with a woman that likely has a penis. The Thailand double feature! Awwww...wouldn't it be great if we could call transgendered people double features? Boo to political correctness, boo and boo again.)
Transgender...Vancouver. At #1. That surprised me. And again, I say, welcome tourists. #2...jazz. That's a big thing? Transgender jazz? Suddenly I feel old and weird, like maybe this term means something and I've just never heard of it before. Like its a funky new sex act that involves a lot of gender confusion and hurt feelings.
My mother is...toxic at #1? Jesus. Then again, I guess these are the same people who are Googling their therapists. But, man, aren't we supposed to love and respect our mothers? (Also, I immediately thought of Britney Spears when I saw the word toxic, which makes me fuckin' sad. Though that is a pretty good song.) #2...a baker. A fine occupation.
Bums...away! I can only imagine where this is shouted.

Short Answer: There you go. Hope you got your fix. If not, I've done this a few other times on blog. I guess you'll just have to read through the posts one by one until you find them. Get it? Because there's no way to search for them? See what I did there?

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Question: What do you think will be the most popular Halloween costume this year?/Turdbucket.

(Did you know that I refer to my blog as Blogbert? Don't know if I've ever shared that before. It's like Albert. Get it?)

My wife asked me this question, so I'm not going to take it very seriously. She asked the question, and then I said, 'Ugh. I didn't want an actual question.' And she said, 'Turdbucket.'

Popular costumes this year? Let's see. A gun? That seems to be a thing people love these days. How about a costume depicting the clusterfuck in Syria? (Actually, you could go as a turd in a bucket and call it Syria.) Bernie Sanders? Though I think Larry David already beat the fuck out of your costume. Trump, of course. You just gotta kill a blonde skunk and staple it to your head.

I'd like to see Freddy make a comeback this year in honor of Wes Craven's passing. Or maybe some Jaws costumes to celebrate its 40th anniversary, but I guess those won't be popular. At least they weren't until I just suggested them on my world-renowned blog!

Renown. That's a funny word. Renown. Renown.

Short Answer: Renown.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Question: What do you think of the old addage, 'Make new friends but keep the old?'


Friends are stupid. They're like family but they don't have to do things for you. So you get all the whiny negative crap without the benefits of rides to the airport or help on moving day.

New friends are dumb because they don't know you well enough to get what you need. And old friends are dumb because they always treat you the way they did when you were younger. With new friends you have to explain yourself all the time and with old friends you have to convince them that you've evolved, and no you're not going to pee on that guy's doorstep. Yea, I did it when I was fourteen, Carl. Fourteen!

In fact, I think I'd like to take umbrage with this adage. The whole thing is: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. Which one is which? And why is one more valuable than the other? If I had to guess, I'd say they were claiming that old friends are gold, therefore better. I have old friends who are jumped up messes, and new friends who function in society just fine. So that's not a hard and fast rule.

This adage should imply that old friendships get better with age. It should be, one is a bottle of Pepsi, and the other wine. Like, new friends are bubbly and sweet and it may not last, but the first half of that bottle is gonna be good. But old friends - unless they've aged for too long - are going to be enjoyable for the entire bottle.

Short Answer: I might have lost that at the end. Whatever, buttholes.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Question: Who do you love?

I wasn't sure who wrote this song, so I glooged it. I discovered that the version I was thinking of was done by The Sapphires, but I also discovered that someone named YG had done a version of it more recently.

Then I was quickly corrected by my eyeballs and earholes. YG had not done a version of The Sapphires' hit. It was a different song, that in my opinion, should have ben called, 'Bitch, Who Do You Love' or 'I fucking love the N-word'. But Drake was on it so I guess that makes it good or something.

It made Degrassi pretty good.

(Don't bother looking up any of these references if you don't get them. You'll be disappointed.)

I love lots of people. Family, friends, some famous ladies with big boobs. No point going into specifics, really.

I'm gonna gloog some other stuff. Back in a jiffy.

Short Answer: Turns out, I'm an idiot. The song I was thinking of was a Bo Diddly song. Why I thought that could've been The Sapphires is beyond me. Maybe because I got distracted by that dude's terrible acting in his terrible video about his terrible rap song. Who Do You Love is a very popular name for songs, apparently. If you gloog it yourself you'll see. Did I answer any part of this question?

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Question: Can you do a post in the voice of an old timey prospector?


I kept trying to get Albert to roll on his side during the night, so I could slip my pecker between his dadburn buttcheeks. That ol' fella was havin' none of it! That put me in some dumfungled situation, let me tell you.

Then, like a bolt from the heavens, I had the concarn figured. I'd just have to fit two fingers in there, and he'd be hornswoggled!

Whooo-eeee! (Does little prospector dance.) Ol' Albert didn't know what hit him. Before long he was buttered up for one sockdolager of a rump-shaming!

Short Answer: I reckon he'll have to go a far ways from camp to poop for a week or two. Even gettin' 'et by wolves is better than havin' the other fellas hear your traumatic butt-fuckery moanin'.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Question: Have you ever thought of wearing make-up?

Thought about it? I'm covered in it right now! I have this particular, unseemly bulge between my left nut and my right nut and I just can't stand to look at it. Having not the skill to blend the shadows, I just put a tonne of rouge on my nut sack so it looks like two clowns are Eskimo kissing.

(Yes, I'm very aware we're not supposed to use the word Eskimo. It was just funnier than Inuit kissing. Which is when two snowpeople rub their anuses together.)

(Yes, I'm aware we're not supposed to call the Inuit 'snowpeople'.)

I've only worn makeup a few times in my life, and always on stage. A little eyeliner to look more ladylike when I was dressed as a lady, and a little eyeliner to look more eyebally for a Shakespeare character. You know, the eyebally one.

(No not Shylock from Merchant of Venice you fuckin' racist.)

Other times I've thought things like, "Man, I'd look good with a little eye-shadow" and "Man, I'd like to put your dick in my mouth" but for the most part I'm cool with naked-face and vag.

Short Answer: The only time I've ever wished I had access to make-up is when I get a break out of face-herpes because I have face-herpes.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Question: Are you going to vote in the election?

I have some very complex feelings about this. I've had them for a few days now, and I think they've finally clarified into one dominant emotion.

I'm angry.

First, a little background.

I have always been interested in philosophy and political science. You might even say that I'm interested in the philosophy of political science. My father majored in Poli-Sci, and the books were always around. I've even read some of them over the years. Some of them twice.

I am disgusted by politicians and politics. I think politicians are inherently devious scumbags, and politics a poor substitution for real statesmanship and governance.

Though I am interested in the political climate on a regular basis and tend to have opinions, because of the above statements and some other factors, I've often chosen to abstain from participating in our democracy in terms of casting a vote – or as I think of it, an endorsement – for one person or party.

This has never been an issue until now.

This election, I've been disrespected and insulted by my peer group on numerous occasions leading up to voting day. From blatant haranguing to backhanded comments, from poorly concealed looks of derision to people veering away from conversations because they don't want to hear my opinion, knowing it differs from theirs.

I have not soapboxed. In fact, I often try to avoid these conversations. You see, I don't have a strong opinion. I don't care to go out and change the system with my passions, so I don't wear any of this on my sleeve. But with friends, on occasion, I'll say something.

I've had to stop doing that. I've had to shut my mouth while everyone pats each other on the back. As you may be aware, I don't appreciate having quiet as my only option.

Did I forfeit a freedom by choosing not to participate, as so many others do? Did my opinion, which I've always given eloquently if not dispassionately, become invalid when faced with contrary opinions? Do I deserve to be treated like I'm lazy, just because I don't do as another does? Am I somehow worse because I don't want to wear the same color shirt that you're so excited to wear?

It's funny that when it's not election time, I'm often applauded for my political opinions within my tribe. I'm scathing and just, intolerant of stupidity and rhetoric. I see the bullshit and I call it out.

I've learned that around election time, when people choose their colors and start sharing their ideas, I'm no longer relevant. If I'm not with you, I'm against you.

But I'm not. I'm against the system. I'm a voice from the dark, a person who is seeing things differently. Not better; I've never professed that. But also not worse. I don't feel attachment to current events the way others do. I can get riled up by bad behaviour, but I see politics the same way I see nations and wars. They come and they go, and we are part of only a small sliver of history. Again, this is not to condemn the involvement of others. I never have. I only try to explain my particular view.

Honesty is something that is important to me, and is the basis for this essay. You can count on me to give my honest opinion, and I'm used to being respected for that, whether a friend agrees or disagrees.

Not lately.

To the point. Based on pressures, frustration, confusion, lack of sleep (thanks to watching The Nightmare) and a sense that though my singular voice doesn't matter much, the voice of my tribe may…

I fucking voted.

Pick up your jaws, friends. Because you're the main reason. Despite all the above factors, I voted because you told me to. You win. You didn't try to coerce me in any typical fashion, but your outright disdain of my beliefs made me feel so terrible, that I began to think harder about this entire thing.

One of my main complaints about our democracy is that there are so many of us that we have no real connection to the people we're voting for. We sift through lies and misinformation, hoping to see a kernel of truth that inspires us. I've never trusted myself with so little information. I think I'm an uneducated voter. I think you are, too. That's the problem. I don't think it's possible for any of us to get enough information about a candidate to know for sure that we should be endorsing them. But you don't want to hear that. I'm basically saying you shouldn't vote either, right?

But I'm not. What I'm saying is that your arguments that I should are weak. 'You can only change the system from inside.' What if I don't want to change the system? 'This is the best we've got.' Then can't I exercise my freedom to reject it?

I did not vote because of any of your arguments. And though I wanted spite to play a part, I didn't vote that way either. (Up until the last moment, I almost did vote for the party that had no chance of winning, just to prove some point that no one wants to hear. Knowing I'd get to smugly keep it to myself forever wasn't incentive enough.)

I voted the way I did because everyone in my peer group dislikes the incumbent. Everyone. All of my friends and peers believe the ship needed to be righted. So I spat in my hands, and I joined you. And though I return immediately to the place of conscientious objector, I want you to remember next time you treat someone the way I've been treated, that people tend to do better when you're kind to them. When you accept them. I did what I did today despite a lack of kindness and acceptance. I did what I thought was right and I added my voice to the voice of people I care about and respect. I trusted them and their honesty. I let all of your passions inform me, because I wasn't sure whether I was right or wrong, and you were all so confident you were right.

A little less confidence might be more attractive moving forward. And that's coming from the most arrogant man you know.

Short Answer: Here's my happy ending, because I still feel very odd about what happened. I went for a long walk after voting this morning, angry and confused at myself and the world, basically putting this essay together in my head without realizing it. At one point I thought about something I've often mentioned to my friends. That voting without being informed is as lazy as not bothering to get off your ass and walk to the polling station. I knew so little about the process that when I got there, I was surprised to find out that to vote for the Prime Minister, you have to vote for the local candidate. This was infuriating, for I barely recognized their names. I stood staring at the card for three minutes, and considered leaving it blank. Then I voted strategically to remove the incumbent Prime Minister. (I say strategically because due to leftists splitting their vote between two parties, they may fail no matter how loud their voices.) On my walk, it occurred to me that I might as well have voted randomly, so little did I know about the local candidates. As a lark, I imagined myself back in the booth, and went through my typical eeny-meeny randomization thing. Turns out, if I had done it completely randomly, I'd have voted for the same party I chose. Walking down the train tracks in the rain, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Note: I was pleased with this piece of writing, so I've decided to leave it alone. But there was one thing that didn't fit that I wanted to address. Why is it acceptable for people to constantly tell everyone else they should vote? Is this a safety in numbers issue? Is that why you think it's acceptable behaviour? We all joke about being bothered by religions trying to convert us, so why does this double standard hold up? If I told you after two months of haranguing from my Mormon friends I decided to go Mormon, you'd think I was mad. Despite my actions today, I don't think it's right to tell other people what to do. Make your suggestions, give your arguments, but this culture of constantly telling others to vote is very hard on people like myself who choose to abstain. We are not your enemies; we are individuals with varied and complex reasons. Even though you all seem to do this and I'm clearly in the minority, I hold that it is bad behaviour. Your response to this may very well be negative or defensive, maybe even aggressive. Try to get past that. Take this instance as an example. I'm a braying, pig-headed asshole with very strong values, and I managed to rethink my position on voting. Then, I talked about it. I didn't hide, like I wanted to. Why do you get to hide behind other people and hurl stones? If you did this at any other time but election time, you'd expect a punch in the face and you'd probably deserve it.

(If getting people to vote more or less didn't blatantly affect the results, I might be a little more forgiving. There are some who just want people to vote for what they would consider good reasons, like wanting the entirety of the nation to be heard, but others try to encourage or discourage voting based on their political agendas. Therefore, it's not a victimless crime to suggest one course or another. It's more politics.)

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Question: Tell me about a band I've never heard of?

Hey! This is a real beard, not a hipster beard! How the fuck do I know what you've heard of? Some people have never heard of Deep Purple, so the world can be all sorts of fucked. I could list some bands that I don't think are famous, but that doesn't mean other people don't know about them.

Instead, how about I tell you to go to listen to Rheostatics. That's a band that everyone forgot about. Or I could tell you to listen to old David Bowie records because you're fucking up by not doing that right now. Or how about Alice in Chains? No one talks about them anymore, and they were awesome.

I got one for you. Ten Years After. Heard of them? Maybe it's time everyone took a moment to go back and see where all this shit came from. Some blues standards, some jazz greats. Albert King, Buddy Guy?

Joy Division much?

What about classical music you piece of crap? Go listen to Chopin or Paganini or Handel or Rachmaninoff. Maybe then you won't be such a little bitch!

Short Answer: Yeah!

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Question: What are the best Pink Floyd songs?

Is this a fucking joke? This better be one of my friends who fucking hates me, because if this came from the universe I must've murdered an old lady yesterday.

Best song? Of a band famous for making complete and refined concept albums? Also, a band that has a million know, what, fine. Let's do it, asshole.

Okay, okay, I was going to jump right in with fury because this is ridiculous and I always show steel first in the face of adversity, but let's take a second.

Only Top Ten or this gets retarded. I'm omitting Animals, my favorite all-time album under the 'concept album/the whole thing is one song' rule that I just now created, so it doesn't dominate the list. Same goes for The Final Cut. Also I'm considering nothing past the break-up.

Dammit. Choosing to leave off instrumentals as well. This is fucking ridiculous.

10) Point Me at the Sky (no album - 1968) Their fifth single and the first major contribution from the Roger Waters/David Gilmour pairing.
9) Hey You (The Wall - 1979) I almost omitted this album as well because there were five tracks in consideration. That's not a good reason; a lot of the songs on this particular concept album stand alone with great posture.
8) See Emily Play (no album/Piper at the Gates of Dawn - American Edition - 1967) Their second single, this is the Syd Barrett entry into the list. I like a lot of what Syd brought to the band, but I like Floyd better without.
7) Welcome to the Machine (Wish You Were Here - 1975) I still vividly remember what I saw when I listened to this album, and particularly this song, on mushrooms.
6) Green is the Colour (More - 1969) Just a great song off that soundtrack. Pink Floyd light for the uninitiated, subtle and simple.
5) Have a Cigar (Wish You Were Here - 1975) A more challenging, balls in your face kind of Floyd, here. And a rare occurrence of a guest vocalist, this one being English folk artist Roy Harper.
4) Mother (The Wall - 1979) This song has always spoken to me. Stripped down and straight forward, it's a song that sounds and feels like no other.
3) Wish You Were Here (Wish You Were Here - 1975) More than anything from Dark Side of the Moon, or Comfortably Numb from The Wall, this song to me is the definitive, accepted, Pink Floyd hit song. David Gilmour singing along with his solo is one of the great moments in all of music. That and one time Beethoven did a face plant.
2) Fearless (Meddle - 1971) Here comes my bias to ruin the day. Meddle is my second favorite Pink Floyd album, and I had included four tracks before changing the rules of the list. This song is probably what I should consider the best, I just have an unfair and dirty liking of number one.
1) San Tropez (Meddle - 1971) Sometimes my friends ask me how I separate 'best' from 'like', as in, what others consider the best compared to what I personally like when compiling a list. I try to find a middle ground, and sometimes one side just wins out. Here is my favorite Pink Floyd song, and it would never be number one on anyone else's list.

Short Answer: Honorable Mentions: Fat Old Sun from Atom Heart Mother, Corporal Clegg from A Saucerful of Secrets, Seamus from Meddle, Shine On You Crazy Diamond from Wish You Were Here, Run Like Hell from The Wall, Bike from Piper at the Gates of Dawn and every fucking instrumental I couldn't include (One of These Days, Echoes, Careful With That Axe Eugene etc.)

Friday, October 16, 2015

Question: Please do some funny google searches?

I appreciate both the politeness of this question and the question mark, though it does make it read a little odd. Like every word ends with a higher pitch than the word before it.

These are getting harder and harder to accomplish. I think a lot of the classic ones have been covered (assuming I'm even interpreting your question correctly).

Then again, a quadrillion more things have happened on the internet since last time. I'll got take a boo.

I ate the to find you at #3. What the frig does that mean? Fat person love?
Get out of woman. Again, #3. This is a commonly searched thing? In a fit of adorable rage?
The bible says...don't eat shrimp was kinda what I was looking for at #2, but transformed Nina Simone at #3? What the hell?
In Germany they...first came for the communists. #1. Holy shit! That's some sick-ass rhetoric right there. I hope this isn't something some dumbass Republican said in relation to Obama care.
Lima beans...substitute. #3. Yea. That's a pressing matter for the internet. What to do in place of lima beans? If you can't come up with 'just don't use the lima beans' you probably need some time away from Google.
Bunting is...bad. The first answer. Don't bunt, pussy. Who cares what your manager says? Swing away!
Carol #4. I thought this was funny, then realized it's in reference to the famous Harvey Korman and Tim Conway dentist sketch.
Backseat...freestyle. Damn right that's #1. When you're in the backseat with a hastily undressed lady, it's a lot of freestyling. Especially with where to put your feet and your ass.

Okay, here's a whole (hole?) section. I type anal in, expecting to get sex results. I didn't. Just a bunch of terrifying problems. So I said, 'fuck this' and typed anal s...and still got no sex results! I thought the internet had already decided that the most important thing to do with an anus was fuck it! I'm baffled right now. It reads sphincter, sac disease, sphincter repair, and sacs in dogs. What sacs are your dogs eating, and why is that more important than getting up a butt? When I finally went so far as to type anal se there were no more results. Some people who don't know how to spell sex up to the final letter are never going to get their brown belts thanks to Google.

Short Answer: Seriously how many people are typing anal into the computer and really looking for 'anal sacs in dogs'? I apologise on behalf of the internet if you already had your bird in your hand, sir.

Note: Women watch porn, too. But how much you want to bet that the biggest discrepancy in sexual things that men and women search is somewhere in and around the anus?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Question: What do you do on days that you're not in the mood to be funny?

Let's just assume that every time I'm 'on' then those are the posts you're laughing at. And every time you read a post and don't laugh, I was not in the mood that day. That's better than the truth which is that I'm in the mood most days, and most days I'm just failing you.

There are some days that are truly terrible, however. Like that time I was woken up by my cat scratching a hole in my nuts. Or the time someone important to me died, I can't remember who. Or the time there were no more waffles when I was sure that there were waffles!

Here's a good example of jokes. I don't have a cat and I don't like waffles. Good thing I'm on today, and able to pull from external realities to supply great jokes. When I'm not on, things often become more personal. Or worse, they get so irreverent that's it feels like I just pulled out my keyboard then my penis and made pee-rain.

The most common occurrence on days that I don't feel inspired is to give very curt answers to the questions. Or to pretend the question came from Dr. Seuss, or to fake insult when the question was obviously intended otherwise. I figure it's better to try an angry one-liner than to fumble through an uninspired essay about lamps versus lanterns or some such boring shit.

Short Answer: In summary, if you're not laughing, it's because I'm hilarious and you're stupid.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Question: How many ways are there to eat sausage?

Now if you'd said, 'How many ways are there to eat sausages?' I'd have assumed this was a question of the culinary variety.

But because you used the phrase 'eat sausage' my mind instead was directed toward a very nice lady dutifully swallowing her significant other's ropey pole.

There is only one way to eat sausage, and that's carefully. You don't want to get too much teeth involved, and you also don't want to press the puke button at the back of your throat. For all the men out there who've had vomit on or near their dick, let me tell you, it's not as great as it sounds.

And don't be fooled by pornography. Choking, gagging, crying and spitting isn't the way a real blow job goes down. That's just an imitation of art, and is the equivalent of reproducing a movie sex scene in your bedroom, including weird penis sock, antsy spectators, sweating under hot lights and the most awkward semi you've ever tried to keep control of.

A real life sausage eating is much more gentle and loving. You are, after all, offering up the most vulnerable part of your body to another carnivore, intact with the tools necessary to separate, chew and swallow your meat for sustenance.

Blowies are great. But if you grab the back of a woman's head and shove it in further, you kinda deserve the nicked testicle you get. And that's if she's being nice. I wouldn't risk any forward thrusting with your hips either, unless you get a good rhythm going. For the most part, people don't want dicks in their mouth. Forcing anything during a sausage eating session because you're too dumb to separate fantasy from reality is just not cool, especially considering that someone is letting you rub your pee hole against their palate.

Short Answer: I like my sausage in and around stuffing.

(A nearly serious) Note: Dudes, don't imitate porn. Use your mouth to communicate your desires to your partner before doing something you've seen on the internet. You might even get what you want, because sometimes it can be fun to do weird shit. But if you think sex in the real world imitates pornography, you're about to send a good woman running for the less-anal hills.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Question: Do you like sushi?

When a seagull flies down and steals your raw fish? Swooshi.
When Susan finally wins a daytime Emmy after a million nominations? Lushi
A big, dumb animal with a speech impediment? Mooshi.
Where you put French fish? Boushi.
Japanese raw fish theatre? Kabushi.
Dead comedian? Belushi.
When Sherlock Holmes finds your missing fish? Sleushi.
They say it cleans your vagina, but it's a rouse. That's right. Doushi.
Exploding fish? Kablooshi.
Meshi? Youshi.
The problem with overripe plums? Too juishi.
The problem with the previous joke? Shoulda been tooshi juishi.
Lugnuts falling off? Looshi.
How to date-rape tobiko? Rooshi.
The sound it makes when the air leaves the cabin super fast? Whooshi.

Short Answer: I guess I didn't really answer the question. Yes.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Question: Do you like live nude girls?

If this is a question that could be reworded as: Do I like strip clubs? then the answer is no. I'm not a huge fan of going into a sweaty, dark room that smells like scientists have found a newer, deeper human armpit and built a glitter-filled barn around it full of lowered expectations and high-pressure sales techniques.

I'd rather dead clothed men.

Short Answer: Unless one of the strippers is doing the librarian thing. That tends to transcend.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Question: Why is Ask Keith Anything blocked on my work computer? Is this a sign that you've made it? Is this what you were going for all along? Is this too many questions? How about one more?

Five questions, eh?

1) Some jobs have dick policies or bosses that employ programs that block select sites. I may have been grouped in with one or another of those sites because I said the word 'titties' too often, or some other ridiculous parameter that has no bearing on actual content.

2) Sadly, it is not a sign that I made it. The chances that your boss said, "Time to shut down this Ask Keith Anything nonsense" and went to town fucking up my chances of connecting with your face every day are super slim.

3) No, having you be unable to read my blog while slacking off at work was not an aim or ambition I held or will hold. I love the idea that people aren't doing their jobs. I picture a nuclear plant on fire, people running around with flame heads and pissy pants while you're chuckling to yourself about me 'kicking the balls and making the panties drop'.

4) No. This is not too many questions. I don't give a leaping fuck. Rules are for chode-strokers.

5) I'll show you one more. I call it the five-finger butthole technique. See what you do is you make a duck face with your right hand...

Short Answer: ...then you stuff it in a butt.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Question: Why is not being able to feel your own face good?

Yea, I know, right?

If I couldn't feel my face I'd go to the damn hospital. And if I attributed said face problem to being near another person, I'd punch that fucker and get the shit away from them. I sure as goddamn wouldn't love it.

This is just a money grab. In no time McDonald's is gonna do all day breakfast, and this fucker who doesn't like vowels is gonna sell this shit to the clown. "I can feed my face when I'm with you. And I'm lovin' it!"

Reasons you can't feel your face. (Notice they're all bad.)

You're dead.
Hannibal Lecter is wearing it.
You got your hands removed.
You have dino arms.
You had your head frozen cryogenically.
You listened to too much music that everyone said was great but was actually just more dance pop bullshit.

I honestly couldn't believe this dude was the one people were raving about. When I heard this song, I was not at all impressed.

Maybe if Ryan Adams does a cover of it I'll think differently.

Short Answer: It's only ever good to not feel your own face if you're burning to death and all your pain receptors have finally crisped off and you can finally relax, take a deep breath, and die of smoke inhalation with a relatively painless face situation.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Question: My boss at work just got Lupus. I could really use a laugh.

Assuming this isn't serious, let me address its comedic value.

You may have just written the funniest line ever seen on my blog. Your boss got Lupus? That's almost as good as a syphilitic clown or a landlady who had her nips burnt off with hot, raw sewage.

You know what I just thought of? Sadie Hawkins Abortions. There. That should make you laugh. Then again, your level of comedy is clearly quite high, so I wouldn't aspire to assume I've made you laugh.

Can one aspire to assume? The other funny thing is that you wrote 'your boss at work' like you have other sorts of bosses. Like your boss at home is fine, but at work...disease with a thousand faces. (That was the tagline for Lupus, by the way, back when they used to have Lupus commercials. I wonder why that stopped? Maybe they finally figured out where the Lupus was, or who let the Lupus out, or why all those Budweiser Clydesdales died.)

Also, why do you need to laugh? If your boss got Lupus and you hate him, it's already at least a little funny. And if it isn't funny to you because you're not a horrible person, why would you want me to make it funny? Hey, my heart is doing the right thing by feeling empathy, but fuck that, let's have a good larf!

This was great. Really great. Lupus is a funny word.

Short Answer: I'm sorry if any of you have Lupus. That is way too funny a word to be the reason you're sick. I hope you all have cancer instead.

Note: Just looked on the interwebs to see if Lupus is supposed to be capitalized (I don't think so) and two things happened. First, I saw the term 'canine lupus' and laughed. Second, now I think I have lupus.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Question: Are you going to watch the Blue Jays in the playoffs?

Baseball is boring. I even understand baseball and I still find it boring.

I really like, however, watching the 'Jays in 30' program, which is probably an assault to the sensibilities of all true baseball fans. It's just the whole game squeezed down into a half-hour.

So yes, I am going to watch the Blue Jays in the playoffs. Am I going to watch entire games? I'm gonna try. Will I fail? Like a skateboarder doing a grind on the internet and trying hard.not to face plant. Hope there's a playoff version of 'Jays in 30'.

Short Answer: So many sports right now it's hard to find the time for anything. With soccer, football, the rugby world cup and now hockey starting up, I'm starting to feel the crunch. Good thing Gaelic football and Aussie rules are over for the season. Oh, hurling is starting up? And no I didn't just misspell curling. Which I also watch.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Question: My neighbors are always fighting and I can hear them through the wall. Thing is, they fight about stupid shit and I want to just go over there and explain that they shouldn't bother arguing because they're too dumb. Should I do that?

Yes. And you should film it.

Let's paint that picture. Your neighbors are fighting. You get your go-pro all ready and knock on their door. They stop screaming at each other and one of them answers the door, red-faced, half-crying, fake smile intact.

"Yes?" he/she manages.

"Listen. I can hear everything you're saying. And let me tell you, it's not worth it. You're being passive aggressive, and he/she is bringing up old bullshit because resentment has settled into your relationship. You're using a mocking tone which only aggravates the situation further, and he/she, rather than face your criticisms, has stopped communicating almost entirely. If you'd just sit down and take a few breaths, you might find that arguing over a waffle maker isn't grounds for divorce. You fat, stupid, fucking pieces of human garbage."

Yea. You probably shouldn't do that. What you should do is get it through your head that people are fucking awesome at stupidity when they're fighting. No matter how rational you think you can be in a fight, other people think the same thing, and somewhere, someone on the outside would totally disagree with your concept of rationality in those moments. And they wouldn't be wrong. Even though they're stupid too. (This is the part where I kinda get stuck in a stupidity loop so we should probably stop.)

Also, any chance you get to call someone a piece of human garbage is an opportunity you don't want to pass up. How often does an opportunity like that come along? Especially when they have their emotional pants down like that. It's such a sock to the mental wiener.

Short Answer: It doesn't work as well if you call someone who just murdered someone a piece of human garbage because they already know. Their mental wiener isn't as exposed for socking.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Question: Sometimes I say: That's so Raven! but I mean wrestler Raven from WCW. Why don't nobody understand?

So your question is, Why don't nobody understand? Did I get that right?

Grammar, sir, is why don't nobody understand.

As for your raven dilemma, I know far more about the wrestler Raven then then the I'm so Raven raven, though I think it's Raven Simone from The Cosby Show. Ugh. Cosby ruined everything by being a dirty, sex taker, didn't he?

Anyway. I get you. I get that you're referring to the grunge-inspired, whine-spouting, nevermore quoting Raven who used to use a DDT and called it the Evenflow. Yep. Sounds terrible, don't it? And yet, it wasn't. Some great talent came from his stable, including Billy Kidman, who used to rock the fuck out of an off-axis shooting star. (A layout, blind-landing backflip from the top rope for the uneducated. The top rope is the one above the other ropes, for the uneducated. A rope is thing that ties two other things together...this could go on. Never mind.)

Raven's music was also a fat rip-off of Nirvana's song, Come as You Are. Man, wrestling was hilarious back then. I love that ripped jeans and a plaid sweater around the waste could be a character. Though the reason it worked was the creepy, cult thing he had going. That was kinda innovative, I thought. If it wasn't so on the nose with it's rip off of grunge culture, it might've been one of the better gimmicks of all time. A strange and lost modern man whose words inspire apathy and loyalty in others.

Short Answer: This was about wrestling!

Monday, October 5, 2015

Question: What day is it?

If you don't know, it's time to change your life for the better. Time to quit drinking and make a commitment to sober living. Time to get exercise every day. Time to eat with longevity and health in mind. Time to put all personal problems to rest. Time to call your parents, or visit their graves. Time to rescue a dog, donate to charity, listen to some one who needs an ear, offer a shoulder, a hug, a smile, a dollar.

Or is this some joke about the sort of time travel that occurs when you ask me a question and I answer it days later?

That's not funny.

Here's what's funny. Two Keebler are elves left alone in the cookie tree. One is an old slut, the other the new young stud. They fuck so hard on the table that they create a friction fire and burn the fucking tree down. When the boss shows up, both are burnt to a crisp in that cartoon way, smoke rising from their sooty bodies. The young stud still has a huge boner. The boss says, "That's a lot of wood. I'm surprised you were able to fit it into her cookie."
"How much batter does that make?"
"Jesus, it's a tree limb. I guess we can make cookies in there, now."
"I always knew going at this doughy bitch would start a fire. Right, chocolate chunk?"
"I know we're elves and it's hard to separate the young from the old, but can you try to fuck in your age bracket? And not in our goddamn cooking tree!"
"That's three trees this year, Rhonda. Can't you use a banana like my wife?"
"You burnt the cookies."

Short Answer: I don't know why there are Keebler elves in my head, or why they're fucking. I just don't know, guys.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Question: What are the best chocolate bars?

Is it just me or do Canadians call them chocolate bars and Americans call them candy bars? And what do the British call them? Probably something super British like humphy-dupplers.

I'm gonna answer this in list form, but backwards. For some reason that feels right.

1) Oh Henry. This is a no-brainer. Chocolate and peanuts is deadly in bar form, plus you got that thick layer of nougat-like fudge. Also, this chocolate bar is big, so you don't have to feel unsatisfied like when you eat a normal sized chocolate bar.
2) Coffee Crisp. Wafers can kinda fuck off, but for some reason, this shit is the magic. Light and not to coffee-ee, wish is important.
3) Eat More. Yea. This is a weird one. A fudgy, taffy-pull with too many nuts. (That's also how I describe masturbation. Not the fudgy part, but the rest. The taffy-pull with the nuts. You get it.)
4) Snickers. Great if you haven't eaten in a fortnight. It has a lot of stuff. Maybe my favorite fun-sized bar.
5) Crispy Crunch. Kinda like if a Skor/Heath bar and a Butterfinger had a kid and that kid liked to get stuck in your fucking teeth.
6) 3 Musketeers. The lower fat candy bar option. Foamy goodness.
7) Wunderbar. Another meal in a stick. Peanut butter!
8) Baby Ruth. Basically an Oh Henry that looks more like a floating turd.
9) Twix. Cookies can kinda fuck off, but for some reason, this shit is magic.
10) Mr. Big. Again, something I enjoy readily in fun-size. Just a shittier Oh Henry.

And now the worst.

1) Big Turk. Holy fuck. Some sort of industrial solvent/horse hoof concoction masked in chocolate. Not fooled, assholes.
2) Crunchie. Some people call this pockety, weird, caramelized tooth-breaker 'sea-foam'. It ain't like sea-foam. Sea foam doesn't force you into the orthodontist's office.
3) Mirage. The mirage is that you're eating a Mars bar, or a Malted Milk or a 3 Musketeers. You aren't. It's just a worse Aero.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention goes to the peanut M&M. Not a candy bar, but the best thing to put in your mouth other than a shy man's wiener.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Question: Is there anything you find yourself being wishy-washy about on a daily basis?

Here in my house, I get plenty of sleep! (To the tune of Cars by Gary Numan.)

My house! Get sleep!

So I stayed up late last night. My wife couldn't sleep either and she got up early and that got me up early and here we damn fucking are!!!

Wishy-washy? Who says wishy-washy? I bet you don't wishy-washy your genitals properly you fuckin' stooge.

All right. Everyone calm the fuck down. What the fuck does wishy-washy even mean? (I'm totally listening to Cars by Gary Numan right now. The word 'wishy-washy' doesn't fit into the cadence of it and it's pissing me off.)

Okay. Wishy-washy: feeble or insipid in quality or character; lacking strength or boldness. weak, watery.

I don't know. What shirt to wear? Sometimes I go black (like my weak and watery coffee) and sometimes I go superhero T-Shirt, like that fucking superhero Gary Numan!

Here in my house! I get all the things done! And my wife wears no pants! I can see her vajay!
My house! No sleep!

Technically I got five hours, which is plenty to not be a crazy asshole. I just didn't want to answer this question properly.

Short Answer: My wife really isn't wearing any pants. (She's been Porky Pig-ging it a lot, lately.) That part was true. And me listening to that precious fucking superstar Gary Numan and his hit fucking song Cars! Fararrgghgh!

Friday, October 2, 2015

Question: Who are your favorite fictional dogs?

Top Fictional Dogs

15) Queequeg. Agent Scully's dog. I don't normally like Pomeranians, but X-Files.
14) Buck. From Married with Children. Use for comedy and being still.
13) Marley. Marley and Me: the happiest story about a dog ever.
12) Lockjaw. The dog of the Inhumans. Hope he's in the movie.
11) Snoopy. Can't have this list without Snoopy. He's funny.
10) Odie. That guy was a jackass, but when he and Garfield would get along, it was the best.
9) Lady. I wanted to fuck her when I was a kid. Leave off, so did the Tramp.
8) Copper. The dog from The Fox and the Hound. Friends forever!!!
7) Harold. From the Bunnicula series of kids books, Harold is the main character and narrator. I love him.
6) Bolt. Bolt was a rad movie, and though the friggin' hamster stole the show, Bolt was awesome too.
5) Ladybird. This King of the Hill dog never did anything, but just hearing her name makes me hear Hank Hill's voice, and that's priceless.
4) Rowlf. This inclusion is in protest. I know he was voiced by Jim Henson, but where the shit is Rowlf on the new Muppets TV show? Bullshit!
3) Santa's Little Helper. The Simpsons. You get it.
2) Nanook. The Alaskan Malamute from The Lost Boys. A lovable badass. He is the only dog on this list that straight up kills a vampire.
1) Brian. Brian and Stewie from Family Guy are one of my favoritest comedy duos ever.

Short Answer: Lot of dogs out there. Honorable Mentions go to Poochie from the Simpsons and Dogmeat from Fallout 3.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Question: Blog being weird!

Gotta bail today. Blog site is being a total jackass. I don't know how much time I have!

Short Answer: I still think boobs are great and farts are funny, so at least we have that.