Thursday, July 30, 2015

Question: Do you believe ADHD is real or a construct of our society to explain away what we do not consider 'normal'?

It's real. Because real scienticians say it's real. Until smarter people come along and say it's not real, it's real.


As for explaining away the abnormal, is that something we do? Seems to me like we point it out and judge it at every opportunity. I don't think trying to classify things is inherently bad if you're doing it to try and help people.


Sure if someone likes being 'abnormal' then don't call them things and give them drugs. But if it improves their lives, call them whatever you need to, so long as it helps group them in such a way that they can live better.


We're too touchy on both sides of this kind of shit. It would be 'normal' to have some doubts on this from either side, yet most who have the conversation are yelling from the far reaches. Doesn't get much done in terms of improving the world.


Short Answer: It's not an unknown that pharmaceutical companies are giant and evil, but that doesn't seem to be what you're getting at. I don't think society imparts these classifications, I think doctors do. Whether these doctors are bought and paid for is another conversation.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Question: The word crackle is weird. Crackle. Crackle. Isn't it?

This is called semantic satiation. That's when you say a word often enough that it begins to lose its meaning.


So yea, crackle is weird. But no weirder than wharf. Wharf, wharf, wharf.


Or hobgoblin. Hobgoblin, hobgoblin, hobgoblin.


Poem!


On the wharf at midday,
the hobgoblin crackles in the sunlight.


Look what you made me do!


Anyway, yea, that shit's weird.


Short Answer: Snap and Pop ask the best questions.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Question: Free play!

Not sure what this means. Like, pinball?


My life is plagued by a desire to do well. I wake up every morning grasping at some idea I had during my latest, partially remembered dream for as I sleep I try to collect ideas for the following day. And yet almost every morning I come to the computer empty of those ideas either because I couldn't recall them, or I do, and they're blindingly stupid.


The fact that my subconscious tries to collect dogshit ideas and terrible jokes and attempts to insert plot devices into dreams where none are necessary is indicative of how deeply engrained in me this desire has become.


I'm not just some jackass who says whatever he feels like. I'm trying to be funny, smart, entertaining, poignant, relevant. I want to make you laugh and feel and talk with your own tribes. I want you to see the way I see, and appreciate my efforts.


It's gotten to the point that I feel a regression in my personal life. Whereas once I wasn't so sensitive to people's opinions of me, I find that now - after working so hard for all these years - I expect a level of understanding, even respect. When people misunderstand me, I think, 'But if you'd seen all I'd done, if you had the proper context, you'd feel differently.' Exactly when I started caring about this I do not know. At some point you put yourself out into the world to be judged, and judgement comes. Whether or not your were ready for it, or had any idea how it would affect your life, personality or growth as a person who exists beyond their blog.


Now I'm not just talking about this forum, of course. You won't understand me completely through the template that is this blog, with its 'nothing is sacred' approach to comedy. I'm also referring to my own struggles as a poet, short fiction writer and novelist. Every day I write my ass off, and every day I get a little more raw around the edges.


I'm trending upward, there's no doubt of that, and yet the journey has taken its toll. Not just the journey, though. The energy it takes to make it, the bullheadedness that is required to eat rejection after rejection, turning the ship into the oncoming sea, no matter how angry she is on any given day. That wears you down, over time. I'm not sure there are any repairs to be made. I'm not even sure, were I to achieve the success I hope for, that I will ever repair.


And this, I think, is why people give up. Why they start weighing the damage against the possibility of success. They ask themselves whether or not it's worth it. What if they get what they thought they wanted, but by then it's too late? What if what they want is changed by what they've had to go through? What if, what if, what if?


Here's why I will succeed. I don't give a fuck if it changes me. I don't care if I can't appreciate it once I'm there. I don't have a desire to consider whether it was worth it. My story will not be, 'once I tried'. My story will be, 'I succeeded.' That's the key to setting a long term goal and actually achieving it; not being afraid of the damage, not worrying about repairs, not bothering to check how angry the sea is on any given day.


Don't get me wrong. This does not guarantee a positive end. I could be a monster by the time I achieve my goals. But I'll be a monster forged by my own desires, my own will to achieve, my own sense of accomplishment. I will be my own monster, and I will never have to say that once I tried.


Short Answer: That's just the thing. I don't get a free play. Not until I fucking win.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Question: What a conundrum! Do I really want to make love to this deaf woman at the library?

So many, many things...


If you have an opportunity to make love at the library, by all means take advantage of it. That's a weird-ass place to get it on.


I'm trying hard to figure out how the deaf thing is relevant. The fact that it's the library and she might be the most quiet one there feels like she's won your 'who gets to fuck me at the library' sweepstakes.


I don't think the deaf thing matters. Unless you're not sure if she wants you to fuck her because that sign she's doing doesn't necessarily mean 'in my bum' the way you hope it does. If that's the case, make sure before you approach. There's probably a book about sign language around somewhere.


The Do Me Decimal System might help.


Short Answer: You obviously do want to do it, or you wouldn't be asking me. So do it! Just make sure you figure out a safe sign beforehand. No point you screaming 'banana' at the top of your lungs when she goes three knuckle's deep in your tookus if she can't hear your protests.


Note: I apparently expect a lot of assplay at the library.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Question: Top 10 pop videos to masturbate to?

Sorry to disappoint (not really, fuck you) but I can't finish in 3-5 minutes. Maybe if I was masturbating to Thriller...


I'm back. Had to do a little clean-up.


So let's give this a shot.


Top Ten Sexiest Pop Videos


10) Rihanna - Bitch Better Have My Money. Gonna ignore the song itself and go with 'giant pop star is actually naked' to justify having this on the list. It also fills up my slimy quotient so I don't have to include rap videos with booty shakin' hos.
9) Justin Timberlake - Tunnel Vision. This is some art, up in here. When I watched this video (topless girls dancing) for the first time and listened to the song for the first time, both things were made more enjoyably by the presence of the other.
8) Christina Aguilera - Dirrty. Kinda had to include this. I wasn't impressed when I saw it, but it is a smorgasbord of jerking material to be fair.
7) Nicki Minaj - Anaconda. Ugh. And yet...
6) Whitesnake - Here I Go Again. Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car, baby.This is a sexy classic! Shut-up! Whitesnake!!!
5) Shania Twain - Man I Feel Like a Woman. Allow me to explain. Katy Perry, Beyoncé, Shakira...all these chicks showing intense levels of sideboob and sidebutt to sell a few more records does not in any way do it for me. Shania Twain was a gorgeous woman who didn't sell sex nearly so explicitly, but in this video she combines a lot of cleavage with the sexiness of the background dancers from Robert Palmer's addicted to love. (Also, if you want to read some gay stuff into this, there's some dudes in the background I think.) Just kidding, I know they're there.
4) Alan Thicke's Kid and a Bunch of Dudes or Something - Blurred Lines. I'd seen Emily Ratajkowski naked before. She had a video of a photo shoot floating around that was way hotter and more revealing than this video. What sells this is that it's so playful. I denounce anyone who gets into a misogyny argument over this video. A bunch of topless girls dancing around and acting like fools? Not quite the end of feminism. And Emily is one of the more attractive women to ever walk the earth.
3) Lipps Inc. - Funky Town. Now it's getting personal. I think it's the extended version, the 12 inch (tee-hee) that has the sexy video. It's a girl - split into three girls by modern technology - dancing. She is wearing a sheer top and you can see her boobs. When I was a kid, it blew my mind that the world was letting me see this. Don't they know? I shouted. Don't they know I can see her boobs!
2) Madonna - Material Girl. I know that Justify My Love is her raunchiest video, but this was my favorite Madonna, before I knew she was a dirty, dirty whore. I'm a huge fan of the song and the dress and the cleavage and the....hunghgghghgh!!!
1) Chris Isaak - Wicked Game. I'm glad I finished before writing this, because trying to capture the beauty of this video would've been hampered by my desire to make a big splooge everywhere. It's Chris Isaak sand-wrasslin' with Helena Christensen, whose eyes make my penis cry. Also, it's in black and white. And she's very attractive. And she's mostly naked, and there's some sideboob pressed against...


Short Answer: Hunngghghgngnh!

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Question: Call me maybe?

Normally I'm quite fond of song-related questions, but I can't really get into this one. I am not counted among the fans of this sugary nonsense.


As for whether or not I'll be calling you, that's probably a negatory. Even if you left me your number and a picture of you lying under a cow and letting it spray hot milk all over your huge, sloppy breasts and ballerina skirt, I'd still have to take a pass. Who knows where you've been, dude.


I like a well-constructed pop song as much as the next person who enjoys masturbating to explicit videos that go along with pop songs, but I don't find this song particularly well-constructed and it doesn't make me want to touch myself even half as much as that Divynls song about me touching myself.


Short Answer: If Lily Allen can't play it on the piano and make it sound rad, it just ain't rad.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Question: Would you bidet?

Oh, hell's yea.


As it is I'm a huge fan of wiping the bottom with moist things rather than scratchy, slicey, dry things, to the point that I'd rather walk around with a big poop in my pants than the feeling that I'd just been sanded.


I've never had the opportunity to bidet, but I'd probably use a garden hose if it was nearby, so I don't see any problems with going for this more sophisticated option had I the chance.


Are you allowed to front bidet? Like, rinse the balls?


I get the feeling not only would I embrace the use of this apparatus, I'd probably immediately start breaking International Bidet Rules of Conduct.


Short Answer: If you knew me personally, you'd know how badly I need this. I'm as filthy as a bear with dreadlocks.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Question: Who said "Oh the places you'll go?"

You know, when I got that question about grammar the other day, I thought it might be the estate of Seuss trying to fuck with me.


Now I know for sure! The places you'll go are to hell, motherfuckers!


Short Answer: Is 'who' said supposed to be a joke? Whos? Are you fucking kidding me, Seuss?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Question: Do you need an editor for your blog? (i.e. "there" not "their" per yesterdays non-question question).

You mean, yesterday's non-question question?


See? Two can play at the game of assholes.


As someone who writes quickly and looks over my work once, maybe twice, my blog is pretty fucking clean. I am an editor, I just don't feel the need to go over my titty jokes all that many times.


Short Answer: This is a bitter pill. I have to put up with the world's grammatical errors to a heightened degree on account of what I do for a living. For someone to point out my mistakes is infuriating. If you can't tell that my percentages are considerably higher than most, you should shut your fucking mouth. (I have written thousands upon thousands of words with few mistakes. You had a grammatical mistake in your one-line correction of my grammatical mistake.)


Note: I write fast. Quickly doesn't really cut it. You'd ejaculate if you understood how fast I think, write, edit and bail. A few mistakes are unavoidable. I refuse to be less impressive just to have a grammatically flawless blog, a phrase that has never once before been uttered.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Question: I'd like to hear as little from you as possible.

Said I to your mother.


She gets chatty when she's rubbing the underside of my scrotum. I don't know why. I think it's nervousness, because I have a beautiful, damp cave back there. It's where she likes to get her moisture.


Short Answer: A good way to hear little from me would be to not read my blog. Another is to convince your mother that she doesn't need to be penetrated in every orifice three times a day. If I keep up filling her holes at this rate, not only will I be given a paycheck as some sort of ditch-digger/construction worker by the city, I'll also be your new dad.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Question: Is Phil Rudd ruining Paul Rudd's moment?

Ha! I actually though of this myself.


For those not in the know (FTNITK - how many times am I going to write this before I just start using the shortened version? It's like I'm training dogs. Get with it! GWI!) Phil Rudd was the drummer for AC/DC at one point, and he's in the news a bit.


I'm pretty sure Paul Rudd was well-established before his roll in Ant-Man, and even if that was not the case, I'll bet he's going to be alright. Even if someone were to call him Phil on the red carpet, it probably wouldn't effect his bank account or his ability to crush tail.


Short Answer: I saw Ant-Man. I thought it was a cute, clunky caper. I definitely got a 'too many chefs' feel from it, as some of the sequences looked liked nightmares for the editors. (The scene where Scott talks to Hope in the car in particular was a nasty bit of business.) It kind of felt like a throwback summer blockbuster. Big ride with little connection to the characters. Fun and little else, despite Evangeline Lilly's solid attempt to bring real emotion. I get the impression that Marvel feels like all its movies must feel like 'Marvel' movies now. I wonder how long the fans will put up with that? Then again, one might claim that 'feeling like a Marvel movie' is just another way of saying 'high quality'. So shut up, fans!

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Question: Porn titles?

This is a wide area, full of potential hilarity.


The first thing that comes to mind is my favorite all time movie parody porn title which appeared on an episode of 30 Rock. On the TV in the background, it read, "Horny With a Chance of My Balls."


Though we could go through a million of these, I won't. If you want that, read Chuck Palahniuk's book Snuff, which has a ton of great ones.


Okay, okay. I'll do a few originals off the top of the old bean.


The Right Muff
Cock-poon
Wet Hot American Bummers
How to Drain Your Dragon
30 Gays a Night
Batman Begins to Ejaculate
The Imaginarium of Doctor Porn Asses
Army of Thickness
An American Werewolf in Bum Town
The Gobfarter


Turns out these are pretty easy to come up with. Why have I never done this before? I could do this every single day. It is very rewarding.


So easy was that first stage, I'm going to try some weirder, more subtle ones, without the guidance of film titles. For the challenge alone.


My Tongue Doesn't Get Things Clean Anymore
I Put My Foot In My Wife's Warm Spot
My Sweaty Dick and Your Mother's Whore Mouth
Ride The Maggot
Anyone See My Dignity?
Anal Trains, Bro-Nuts and Fartsex Wheels
Subway Stories 3: Masturbating to Jane Fonda
Bad Actresses Paint My House
The Undercarriage Railroad
Kill 'Em and Jar Hoes


The only thing left to reference after all this magnificence is actual porn titles. One could make the case that there is nothing funnier than the real thing. I don't want to promote any actual porn on my site, but you know what's out there. Here, I'll create a little game to exemplify.


On one side write any of the following: babysitter, grandma, teenage, milf, cougar, slutty, co-ed, whore, prostitute.


In the middle write: black cock, monster dick, face fucking, dogpile, fist, fingerbanging, public bj, creampie, backdoor.


On the other side write: gangbang, orgy, fuckfest, assram, backdoor salon, barbershop, warehouse social, square dance, hootenanny.


Then combine as needed!


Short Answer: Babysitter Black Cock Square Dance, anyone? Milf Face Fucking Fuckfest? Co-Ed Monster Dick Assram? Grandma Creampie Barbershop? Prostitute Dogpile Hootenanny?


Note: Slutty Fingerbanging Warehouse Social is a porn I might actually watch.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Question: Whenever you don't update your blog before noon, I get worried that you don't have a question and are waiting for one to come in. So I panic and think maybe I should submit something so you can answer it, but then never do and sure enough by days end there's a new post. I guess my question is, am I right? Or are you just busy and not working on my schedule (asshole)?

I could be wrong about this, but I did a quick count and the longest question ever asked was 73 words. This question was also 73 words until the 'asshole' was added. Because of that 'asshole' it is 74 words, and the new longest question ever!


I play hockey on Thursday mornings, and I rarely do my blog beforehand. That's the day when it consistently comes later. Almost every other day of my life I do it before noon.


Anytime you're inspired to ask a question, that's good. I like questions. You might even say I need them for my blog. So my advice is to panic every single day, and ask me a question. Then I'll have a boatload, and we'll never have to worry. And because you're an unreliable sack of shit, even when you try to ask me a question a day, you'll fail, and so it won't become a blog written solely by you and I. (Bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, you filthy fucker?)


Short Answer: I have a question gnome in case I run out of questions. I just cram one knuckle...never mind. If you learn what I must go through, then you'll really start panicking. Particularly about my knuckle cleanliness.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Question: Why so early Monday?

This doesn't happen to me very often (ever - I'm perfect). But it did happen this time. (still perfect).


What I'm referring to is missing this question entirely. It was posted ten days ago, and it's only a fluke that I went back and found it.


I hope there wasn't something happening that day that was specific to a) earliness or b) Mondays or c) free Asian porn. I'll go ahead and assume this is a general question about earliness and Mondays and that it has little or nothing to do with Asian porn.


If you live any sort of life where you have to 'hate Mondays' or 'think you're getting up too early' quit and be different. You're not on this planet to be sad, tired and ornery. You're here to watch Asian porn.


Short Answer: I'm not kidding. If your Monday morning is too early and it makes you feel the need to ask someone a question about it, quit your job by kicking and screaming at your boss, ask, "Who's comin' with me?" and then get the fuck out of there.


Note: Asian porn.


Double Note: Just realized what the question was really referring to. I posted my blog at 2:00 in the morning on Monday the 6th. Sadly, I don't remember why I was up that late. I rarely work at night, but I guess I was in the mood. Sorry it wasn't more exciting a reason, like I had to be at an alien fight in the morning.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Question: Get 'er done!

Sir, I do not like you.


I once saw a video of Larry The Cable Guy doing stand-up before he was Larry The Cable Guy. He had khakis on. It was great.


I will get things done in my own time, and in my own way, thank you very much.


Short Answer: By great I mean not funny in the slightest.


Note: I got your mom done.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Question: Just read one of your crazy dreams. Have any others recently?

Shit, I love questions about dreams because I always think relating dreams is super boring, so I like to have the excuse.


I had a fucking doozy last night.


I was one of many children in a rundown neighborhood being hunted by Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th fame, intact with amazing horror scenes and a bunch of great escapes. Once, a reflection of Jason's mask showed up in the panes of the window and I leapt out and ran. I tried to hide in a pile of manure, only to grip the hands of a dead body as I was digging.


Eventually I ran to a nearby construction site for help. The site was run by a bunch of biker gang members, and they were decked out in Mad Max level leathers and spikes. Somehow, Jason morphed into a huge, hammer wielding demon and started taking these dudes apart.


Sometime after I was used as bait, sitting in the dark at a rickety table playing poker with someone else as crowds of murderers were lured toward us. Then Superman showed up and yelled, "I am your shield! Won't you let me be your shield?" Luckily, it turned out that Ben Affleck (Bruce Wayne) was behind the plot.


Then I followed a dude in a glowing, runic cloak down the hill into the construction area and he turned into a water horse. Turns out they'd uncovered Atlantis. I stayed for a time, looking for Aquaman, but I never saw him.


At some point the dream became about Jimi Hendrix. Obviously.


Short Answer: That's just a loose retelling. Shit gets real up in this dome. Oh, and I almost forgot: Jason could throw fireballs.



Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Question: How is 'Housewife Nipple Slip' still in your top ten most popular posts?

I know, right?


That shit is ridiculous. Here's the link if you haven't read it.


http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/09/question-housewife-nipple-slip.html


I guess that answer is pretty funny, but I get your point. Some of my most popular posts are there because they're interesting topics or great answers. Some are there because they fall into certain columns of popular Search Engine searches. I guess 'housewife nipple slip' falls under that category, I just wouldn't have expected it to be so popular.


'Nipple slip' maybe, or 'housewife delivers backhanded scrotal tug' or 'man slips on own pee and cranks face' but not 'housewife nipple slip'. What's so great about a housewife? I'm kind of a housewife, and nobody wants to see my nipples. I assume.


(Waits for someone to disagree. A long time passes.)


Fuck you guys.


Short Answer: If you want to see the other most popular posts, they can be found toward the bottom of any and every page on my blog. Just scroll down.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Question: Top Five things to say to your new bride at the altar?

5) 'I haven't masturbated in a month. Get ready.'
4) 'I'm glad this is over. You look fat in that dress.'
3) 'I met your old boyfriend. You fucked up.'
2) 'Thanks for letting me wear your new, blue thong.'
1) 'Now we can let our pubes grow back.'


Short Answer: This was a very specific question. Methinks it was inspired by an incident. What would one have to say - in the real world - to inspire this question? How might one fuck up this moment in a more realistic sense? Perhaps something like, 'Jesus, my balls are sweaty.' That could ruin a moment or two.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Question: Do you think a civil war is brewing in the U.S. of A?

No.


The last civil war was about slavery. I don't think anyone's going to allow that to happen again.


That's about it. If this question is implying that the South is 'about to rise again' then the questioner hasn't recently looked up the definition of drones.


As of right now, it's not cool to use them on American soil or against Americans, but if you decide you want to own black people again, it's dronering time, bitch.


Short Answer: "We don't need to take your guns. We can leave them in your smoldering, dead hands." - Someone Who Doesn't Take Any Shit From Backwards Assholes

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Friday, July 10, 2015

Question: Should I marry him?

If I understand the laws correctly, if you're a man, I think you have to marry him, now. I'm gonna bro up pretty soon. The way I figure it, let's get on the right side of this before an all out War of the Rainbow starts.


Marriage is a bunch of hooey. I'm pretty sure it was invented by a horny king who just wanted to claim fuckery rights on all the lady-serfs of his crown lands. Or the Earl of Sandwich created it because he wanted someone who had to go make him a sandwich. Or comedians created it so they could make jokes eternal about how sex stops afterward.


And yet, if you like someone enough to be considering marriage for all the right reasons (there's only one: you want to see them all the time and miss them when they aren't there) you might as well go ahead and do it. No need to spend a ton of money, but it's a great excuse to throw a big ass party. And then another excuse to go on a big ass vacation.


But don't marry because you're a-sposed-ta. That's an antiquated notion, right up there with cutting skin from a baby's penis and thumbscrew marathons.


If he makes you feel like you're going to throw up but you never actually throw up, then he's for you. Unless of course he makes you throw up because he got you pregnant, and then the question becomes, "Should I marry her?" and any man who flees that situation is probably not worth your time.


Short Answer: Did I just call out deadbeat dads? You're damn right I did!

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Question: Why don't you do Throwback Thursday anymore?

I'm super fucking lazy.


I don't have the energy to remember what day it is, most days. Especially...blurzday.


In all honesty, I found it took away from my original post, because I'd do one new one and then post one old one. The traffic would end up getting spread out and I'd see less hits on my new one.


The cure for that problem I suppose is to write a new entry so boring and pathetic that it won't be a big deal if only half the people read it.


Short Answer: Mission accomplished.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Question: a;klbjy111!!!

This doesn't have a question mark.


I see what you did, here. Mashed the keys, thought you could get away with it. But I see something else, too. You tried to add three exclamation points, but forgot to shift! That's why there are three ones before your exclamation points!


A-ha!


Short Answer: How did you think this was going to turn out? I'm curious. Did you think I would be stumped, or that I'd pull an hilarious yarn from the vault, inspired by that time I dropped something on my keyboard?

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Question: Did FIFA really spend more on their movie than the Women's US team payout?

I saw this article and I didn't want to read it because I knew it would make me sad.




But the answer is definitely yes. Whatever the question, if it veers anywhere near 'Is FIFA comprised of a bunch of corrupt and greedy assholes?' the answer most likely deserves to be in the affirmative.


Goddamn it. I'll read the article. One minute.


Okay, first of all, Tim Roth was in the crappy FIFA movie, and despite another terrible career choice, he's a great actor. I think my affinity for him balances out the bad. Also, it made 200,000 at the theaters, so who's laughing now?


Hmmm. Each men's team that didn't make it out of the World Cup first round made 8 million. The US team that won the women's world cup got only 2 million.


Let me tangent at the risk of sounding uncaring. Though I would never give FIFA credit for profit sharing, there is a real monetary element here. The men's world cup is huge business, and though the women did quite well this time around (22 million tuned in for the final) at least some of this money discrepancy has to do with ratios. In other words, if one thing is more popular, it gets more ad revenue, more viewers, has more money to give to its participants. But I will note, after having said that, the women received 2.6 percent of what the men did for their world cup. That's an excessive gap, assuming that the women's world cup got more than 2.6 percent of the viewership and ad revenue.


The article I read attempts to address this by saying that the women's world cup is not promoted as well. That is certainly true, but there is a chicken and the egg type scenario here. Question: If you promote the women's world cup as much as the men's, will it make as much money? Answer: Not right away, because it's not as popular. Therefore, FIFA will have to eat the extra cost until equality and fairness win out, and they're not willing to entertain those ideas, let alone be less of a bunch of greedy prigs.


As for how many people watched the final, great. But that's no guaranteed that it will be as popular next time, or that the enthusiasm will carry over to the next tournament in four years. And that doesn't take into account the myriad of countries around the world who didn't give two shits about the women's world cup, while half of their populations tuned into to almost every men's world cup game.


Of course I would like to see the women get a shot at being this popular, but we're slowly dragging ourselves from a patriarchal society. These men's sports are popular because they started before this era. There's a fan base that goes back beyond the women's right to vote, let alone wage equality. And there have been strides in women's sports that are comparably popular to their male counteparts. Look at how much women make in professional tennis, as an example.


I guess the point here is I'm not as outraged as I would have thought. Everyone wants fairness. And though the women's world cup may be skewed a little in the misogyny direction, let's make sure we remember that there is a fundamental relation between popularity of a sport and payment. Hockey players don't make as much as basketball players because way fewer people in the States watch hockey. So what we should be striving for is equality in terms of what money is really coming in, and if you want that, look to another sport with a less corrupt goblin at the altar.


Short Answer: The tagline for United Passions (which as a football movie sounds like its about Manchester United, which is dumb) is: 'Every Dream Has Its Own Rules'. Not only is that fucking awful, it's brutally apt in terms of how they run their business.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Question: What are your top 10 "must read" books?

Jesus. Give me a break you demanding buttholes! Ten? How can this possibly be only ten? You're tearing me apart!


Though I must say I'm glad for the 'must read' thing, so I don't feel like I have to include what everyone thinks are the 'best books ever written'. That would be a bore. Looking at you, Tolstoy. (Hemingway, Austen, Dickens, Kafka, Steinbeck, Faulkner, Bronte, Nabokov, Dostoyevsky...you can stick it, too!)


Also, we're going with fiction, though I did really like Andre Agassi's memoir. And I'm omitting plays, comics, poetry and anything not novelly or novel-like.


Must Read Books


10) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. This book is a fucking delight. I've read it more than any other book, and I'm never disappointed.
9) Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. Technically three books, but them's the breaks. The Hobbit just won't do, and the Silmarillion is a little dense, so you're stuck with Frodo and Sam and the far underrated Faramir. And you'll get to meet Glorfindel, who wasn't in the books, but has an hilarious and amazing name.
8) Dracula by Bram Stoker. The definitive horror novel? Methinks it be so. The Count in the novel is a wonderfully nuanced monster, perhaps the first of his kind, and the predecessor of many good things. Like Twilight.
7) Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. Hard to have a list like this without Vonnegut. This is his best, by most accounts.
6) To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Gregory Peck isn't in the book, so prepare to be disappointed.
5) Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Though it runs over some similar themes as number 1, as well as a bunch of other great books (A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess and Brave New World by Aldous Huxley to name a few) I believe it's Bradbury's best, and this list would we wan and sad without his buoyant presence.
4) Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein. The greatest science fiction novel ever written, and a wonderful lesson in humanity...and irony!
3) The Count of Monte Christo by Alexandre Dumas. Holy shit this book is good. A must read among must reads, for those who like come uppins.
2) Dune by Frank Herbert. A must reed because of its wild and rampant creativity. A genre defying mind-bender, part epic, part historical fiction, part operatic, sci-fi struggle for humanity.
1) 1984 by George Orwell. As relevant today as it was when it was written, and in 1984 when that Van Halen album came out. Big Brother is even a TV show now!


Short Answer: Honorable Mentions. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis, Foundation by Isaac Asimov, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, Charlotte's Web by E.B. White, The First Law by Joe Abercrombie, The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. I'm sure I've missed a million.


Note: I think I interpreted 'must read' in a very specific and personal way. Basically, the books I love that I love sharing with others. It would be fun to revisit a list like this with some harsher criteria.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Question: I see that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are getting secretly married.

Can't be much of a secret.


Yea, it's too bad that adorable, sexy, funny, big-eyed Mila Kunis got her womb all Kutchered.


As for whether or not they get married, I don't give one-and-a-half to three shits. He's already made a total Kutchering out of her insides. The ceremony won't save the child's soul or help her to cleanse the horror.


Also, I don't see a question here. Yes, they're probably getting married. No, I don't care.


Short Answer: That about cover it? (That's how you ask a question.)

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Question: What is up with all these bomb threats against Westjet flights?

Wasn't me.


Short Answer: There's no way for me to answer this question in an entertaining way. Making people think they might die from an explosion isn't my idea of a good time.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Question: Do you enjoy texting?

Enjoy is a strange word.


I've accepted it, but I've always been a talker. (Yes, I'm a writer. Shut-up a minute.) When you text - as we've all learned from a generation of e-mails - there's an inherent ambiguity as to the tone of the message. Sarcasm often plays like real, jokes are misinterpreted, auto-correct turns your compliment into a filthy aggressive come-on.


I guess I don't mind it, depending on who I'm texting with. Some people just don't take any of these things into account. Let alone the poor use or complete lack of grammar, most just text away whatever their brains are saying, and rarely consider how they might be misinterpreted, how little information they're actually transmitting, and how much they could potentially be wasting my motherfuckin' time.


I have a bar, a level of communicable importance, that when overstepped, I decide it's time to make the dreaded phone call. I find having a line helps with avoiding these dreaded, slow-burn, stupid texts that take forever. Sometimes you just need to speak with another person, to save all the time and heartache.


Short Answer: As a typer-er by trade, I don't enjoy the texting process or interface, because my sausage thumbs can't get out of each other's way to dual poke it, so I use just one thumb, and feel like a goat with a mini-typewriter, banging away with my hooves and bleating uncontrollably all the while.







Thursday, July 2, 2015

Question: Transit Referendum?

I didn't weight the pros and cons of this one, but I get the feeling that the word 'tax' fucking terrifies people. I wish there was a better word for it. Maybe we should come up with a new phrase, like, 'giving a tiny bit of money to help us all' or 'a small donation to make our lives better'.


Politicians propagate this fear saying that they won't raise taxes, expecting and receiving cheers from all us wee monkeys. It's dumb. Shit has to be paid for. If everyone just expected that, and we had proper transparency, maybe tax could get a reform of its own.


You want that road fixed? You pay for that with your taxes.
Complaint: I don't know where my tax money goes.
Solution: Government indicates where your tax money goes, you feel like you paid for a road.


This is how it should be done. Somehow we all forgot.


Short Answer: This probably should've been handled on a provincial level. We were going to get a bunch (two thirds) of the money from the government. Now, the problem isn't solved and it will likely cost us more in the long run. But at least we didn't raise the scary taxes!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Question: In my nightmare last night you wrote your last blog post ever and you apologized to me (by name) for giving up and then made me a big dinner to say goodbye. After that I went on a mission with Harry Potter to find you because you were the only one who could "save the day". I have a 2 part question 1) why were you in my dream? 2) How would you save the day?

You have officially asked the longest question in the history of this blog. Once someone had a stroke while writing a question, fell face-first into the keyboard, and wrote eighty-seven capital 'U's but this is longer than that.


1) I was in your dream because I'm a sex goddess. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that I'd be there, because you probably like being pleased in the genitals. No biggy.


2) I'd call Andy Kaufman.


Okay, I guess those aren't sufficient answers for such a long effort. Though it would be funny to answer all of your hard work with a few dismissive sentences, I'll respect your load.


1) I was in your dream because you think I'm hilarious. I'm a constant companion, a near-daily presence in your life who brings mirth and poignancy. Without me your existence would be clouded, and filled with murky piss-water. That last part probably doesn't make sense, and yet, you know it to be true. I'm as present and relevant to you as any real human you encounter. The only differences are that you've never actually met me, and I have a way bigger penis than all those other dudes.


2) To save the day, I'd hide in a clearing. You know, one of those ones that has a little stream running through it, probably a piss-water stream. When you and Harry entered the clearing, I'd leap down from a tree screeching the phrase "Death From Above!" like I used to do during the battle mode of MarioKart 64 when I'd leap from the top floor down onto an unsuspecting Yoshi. Then, I'd rip out Harry's throat a la Roadhouse, and then break his neck for good measure, maybe even delivering a Bruce Lee stomp to his sternum once his limp body hit the ground. Then I'd proclaim, "This was just a ploy to get Potter. Don't worry, my disciple, though you worked for me without knowing, you have provided the Lord of Words with that which he desired most. The corpse of young Potter! Now, return to your life. You will find that many blog posts await you, for I have not given up. I've only clouded your perception of time, as though you were looking through a dusty vase filled with a particularly dense sort of piss-water." Then we'd make love, but the kind that halfway though you start to worry if it's going to affect your walk home.


Short Answer: I'm gonna stop there. I think that last line was the funniest thing I've written in quite a while.