Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Question: What are the top ten One Hit Wonder bands?

Wow. Easy to rank the songs, because many are delightful. Much harder to rank the bands because they may or may not have had some sort of career otherwise.

You make my life difficult, blog.

Top Ten One Hit Wonder Bands

10) 4 Non Blondes. Linda Perry went on to be relevant in the music industry, writing songs with and for other artists. Hit: What's Up
9) Men Without Hats. Like a lot of bands 'one hit' doesn't mean 'one good song.' Foreign bands make sense on a list like this, because they often had a following outside of American charts. Hit: The Safety Dance
8) Digable Planets. This band was far away from suck, and having only one recognizable song doesn't diminish their smooth, soul influence. Hit: Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)
7) Faith No More. Technically one hit. But fans know better. These guys were outside the box before outside the box was cool. Back when it was inside the box. Box. Hit: Epic
6) The Verve. I was always sad these guys didn't really solidify their comeback from obscurity with a great follow-up, but I guess the one hit was the cherry on top of a lifelong struggle. Hit: Bitter Sweet Sympony
5) Sugarhill Gang. One hit doesn't change the immense influence. Hit: Rapper's Delight.
4) Blind Melon. I don't even think of these guys as a one hit-wonder, having listened to both their albums when I was young. Had their lead singer not died... Hit: No Rain
3) A-Ha. These guys are not a one hit wonder where they come from, let me tell ya. Hit: Take On Me
2) Grateful Dead. Yep. One hit. Hit: Touch of Grey
1) Rush. Mind blown? Rush had only one top 40 hit, and that was New World Man in '82. Behind only the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Aerosmith for most gold and platinum albums, and a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And New World Man only got to 21. Hit: New World Man

Short Answer: This was super hard. Honorable Mentions: The Knack, Divinyls, Modern English, Kajagoogoo, Iron Butterfly, Deee-lite, Soft Cell and Dexys Midnight Runners.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Question: What conspiracies do you believe in?

Everything about this question is incorrect.

The answer is none. Because to believe (accept something as true, feel sure of the truth of) a thing without factual evidence is the sort of nonsense the Crusaders bought into before effing murdering the shit out of a bunch of people, as just one example of what faith - our favoritest type of belief - can accomplish.

On the other side of this shit coin is the simple truth that if one has factual evidence to back up something, it most likely no longer falls under the conspiracy heading.

Now don't get me wrong. There are factual accounts of historical conspiracies that we now know are true, and I could list my favorites of those, but I don't believe in them, at least not in any way different then how I believe in my lamp, shoes or hollandaise sauce with a touch of verde hot sauce. I don't have to believe because they're real. And just because some crackpot says, "That shit didn't happen" doesn't mean I counter that fact-ignoring moron with 'belief' of some kind.

There are a lot of people in the world who choose to ignore facts to get what they want (cough: politicians). And those people are butt dugouts.

Short Answer: I got the feeling this question wanted me to talk about aliens or crop circles. I didn't. It's probably some sort of conspiracy. The truth is in here!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Question: Is Eugenie Bouchard Canada's Anna Kournikova?

What a weird-ass question. I don't know if I've ever been so surprised to see a question in my inbox before. Are tennis people really concerned about this?

Anna Kournikova, despite being considered an attractive lady, never won a single's title on the WTA. She peaked at Number 8 in the world, and though she did win some Grand Slams in doubles with Hingis, she's more famous for being attractive than being a tennis player.

Eugenie Bouchard, though still young, has already won a single's title and been as high as Number 6 in the world. Though her recent form has been shoddy, there's no reason to think she won't continue to eclipse the career of Kournikova. She's already eclipsed her career earnings.

Is this comparison being made because they're supposed to be attractive? Is it because someone has decided that Bouchard is already failing to live up to her promise?

I don't think the world is losing their minds over Bouchard's hotness, and it's way too friggin' early to be writing her off, so I don't get how these two are connected in any way.

Short Answer: Did I miss something here? Is it because they're both blonde or something? Are we all expecting to see Bouchard in an Enrique Iglesias video getting grinded on? Did no one tell me? (They did both win WTA Newcomer of the Year. That's about all I can figure.)

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Question: Hot topic alert! What are your thoughts on men in Hollywood (Gordon-Levitt, Ruffalo, etc) coming out as vocal feminists? Would you consider yourself a feminist? Why/why not?

feminist: a person who supports feminism. Thanks, definitions.

feminism: the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Okay, that's what we're going with. I like that one. I've heard feminism defined a lot of different ways over the years, but the term 'equality' really rings true for me and simplifies some things.

Am I a feminist? By that definition, yes. I support the advocacy of women's rights. Anyone who doesn't is a massive butthole. I think that's more important than whether or not you're a feminist. Whether or not you're a massive butthole.

As for what Hollywood does I don't really care, except that in certain circumstances the voices of the famous can lead to real social change. Here, I think it's great. If men see a problem in the industry, it's appropriate for them to speak out. If they're talking about the world in general, that might be a bit presumptuous, but the guys you mentioned have reputations for being pretty rad dudes, so I'd like to believe their voices are heard and they matter at least a little.

Hmmm. I just read back over this answer and I'm displeased with myself. This question puts me in one of those weird, grey-area positions where my instinct is to be honest because this is something important, and yet I feel like I'm disappointing fans if I don't tear this whole thing down in an hilarious manner.

This issue in particular is important to me right now. I've been feeling lately that the lack of equality in certain areas - Hollywood included - is beginning to become bothersome. Now that I've become aware of some of these biases I can't un-see them, and they're beginning to affect my ability to enjoy certain things.

I blame the Bechdel test. Though it's existed for thirty years, I just heard about it a few months back. It originally appeared in Alison Bechdel's comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For, and set forth a few rules.

It goes a little something like this:

1. Does the movie have at least two female characters?
2. Do those women have a conversation with each other?
3. Do they talk about something other than a man?

I've noticed that the Bechdel test can be even more harshly applied (like, do they women only discuss the main character?) and still come up with some terrible results. But the base version alone is appalling when you consider how many movies fail this simple test.

Now I'm not crazy. There are movies that for whatever reason can't possibly pass this test, because they're about only men, or they follow a tried and true formula for success. Hollywood doesn't want to ditch 'buddy-cop' or any other of their money making go-tos. (Yes, buddy cop could be a woman and a woman, but you get my point.)

I just watched Foxcatcher last night, and Whiplash last week, to name a few pretty solid flicks that can't possibly pass this test. I think the culprits we need to go after are the movies that should be passing this test and by laziness or lack of invention don't bother to. This is a sketchy set of guidelines, however, and is up for interpretation. And that's why female equality in film is moving slower right now than, say, marriage equality. Because film is art, and art can be interpreted. Hard to condemn a great film for failing the Bechdel test, without any idea what the filmmakers were thinking, what message they wished to deliver, and whether or not they're being massive buttholes.

Short Answer: I encourage you to look up some other tests, like the Bechdel. Undoubtedly you'll find one that brings the point home for you. Also, take a look at all the films that fail this test. It makes you look at the whole thing a little differently. (But let's be clear, some of the movies that fail have strong female characters and are good for the feminist movement for that reason alone and possibly other reasons. It's not a condemnation that a film is bad or not worth seeing. Just a different angle from which to observe.)

Note: I won't list a lot, but to get you going, here's a few movies that failed this test. They may surprise you:

Original Star Wars Trilogy
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Avengers
The Godfather
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The Princess Bride
The Lion King
Toy Story
Mission: Impossible
Good Will Hunting
American Pie
The Fighter
Up in the Air

Friday, June 26, 2015

Question: What's your first memory?

I have a memory of climbing out of the crib and running pantsless through my grandmother's living room. She had company and she said something about 'not running around with my bird out'. That may be my first.

I also have a memory of watching Halloween on television with my uncles, and then my mom came in and freaked out because I was way too young to be doing that. (Too late, Mom, that shit affected my entire life.)

It's hard to place the timing of these memories. I've spoken to family members, and based on situations and people involved, there's a case that either one could be my first.

Short Answer: I also remember the dream I had the night I watched some of Halloween. It was in a black room with two chairs and a spotlight, and I was somehow responsible for the killings from the movie, even though I was just a child.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Question: Is it true that spiders can smell fear?

I know that fear of spiders attracts spiders.

Spiders smell through the hairs on their legs (who doesn't?) so if you shitpants they'll totally fucking know it, and they'll likely murder you.

As for smelling a concept or an emotion, see snails.

Short Answer: Assume that they know you're afraid. That might give you a chance, a small chance, at getting away with your life.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Question: My girlfriend has started throwing cauliflower at me. What should I do?

That's a very specific problem.

My first thought is that this is a metaphorical representation of your partner piling on the Sexually Transmitted Diseases, but that's kinda grody.

"First she hit me with the herp, now she's throwing cauliflower at me!"

Let's assume you're in a food fight. Even if she just threw one piece (unit?) of cauliflower at you, trust me, you can assume that. You're in it. She started it, but now you're in it.

The question becomes do you want a prolonged food fight that messes up your entire situation, or do you want things to end quickly? If you're down for some clean up later, you can begin throwing cruciferous vegetables back at her. Broccoli, for example, will have a similar flight patter and impact radius.

But if you want things to shut down quickly, just pick up a beverage, walk to where she is (even if she's sitting on the couch next to you, make it a pronounced walk) and empty the entire thing over her head. That will send the message that she might be in a playful mood, but she's brought a knife to a angry baboon holding a bazooka fight.

Short Answer: You could also just take it. People don't throw things at you for long if you just take it. Except at stonings. They'll keeping going no matter how you react. It's the nature of humanity.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Question: Is there such a thing as too much cleavage on the first date? No, for real.

I would've said no, but with the added, 'no, for real' I've broadened my scope.

First of all, first date nipple is probably a no-no, so let's assume we're not going that far.

Yea, I think I could imagine a situation where you were seeing so much boob that it made you wonder what the girl was up to. If maybe she was a hooker, or maybe she didn't realize how much boob she was showing, or maybe she'd bring the same flair for catching a man to your nephew's bar mitzvah or some funeral.

A woman can show as much boob as she wants to. Let's get that straight. And just because she shows a lot, doesn't in any way mean she's a hooker or is going to inappropriately flash snatch at a middle-school Christmas pageant. But there is the law of expectation, here. Like when you see a woman showing a shit-ton of cleavage, your mind automatically races toward other situations where you've seen that much cleavage, like on streetwalkers and at the porn awards. That natural inclination to profile, or group or think of similarities is not a condemnation of the woman's choices, it's just something that has to be dealt with. And men aren't immune - as we're all aware - of treating a woman like a hooker if they think she's dressed like one. It might be uncool and not very fair, but it's reality.

What you don't want to assume is that because you can see so much boob she does want to be treated like a hooker. You also don't want to assume that she is one. One of those scenarios ends in hurt feelings, the other in a dick punch.

Now, if this question is being asked by a woman, then all the same things apply, with one addendum. Do whatever you want, girl. It's your body. And dressing like a streetwalker doesn't give anyone the right to treat you like one. Just know there are assholes, and put on your 'ignoring assholes' shoes.

Short Answer: If the girl in question is beautiful, maybe thank your luck stars that she's willing to show off all the wonderful things that god gave her. If she's not beautiful, maybe she's just confidant and doesn't give a fuck what you or anyone else thinks, which is kinda cool. I'm sure being honest will work out, if you really need to address this. "Why so much cleavage?" for example. I bet that'll go alright.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Question: What's your favorite kind of chip (or maybe your top 10?)

I was gonna start making jokes about micro chips and chips on the shoulder and the tv show Chips and then I realized jokes have to be funny and I morning-after-pilled the idea like I'd performed in a fifty man back door pileup orgy-porn at my prom last night.


10) I'm a cheezies guy, so fuck you, I'm throwing this in. Jumbo Crunchits by Cheetohs. They don't exist anymore, but they were super fat and had a slightly different cheese flavor. My favorite ever, dead and gone. Like Abe Vigoda.
9) Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar. Sometimes there's nothing quite like a salt and vinegar chip. Plus, if you get reflux, you feel like you might be dying, so, bonus I guess.
8) Dutch Crunch Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ. I don't normally like BBQ chips all that much, because who puts BBQ sauce on a potato? But whatever. These are the tits.
7) Hostess Ketchup Chips. Shit, do these even exist anymore? Loved them when I was a kid.
6) Hostess Roast Chicken Chips. The first ever of the wacky flavors. Used to have these on the east coast and I really missed them when I travelled west to find my fortune and nearly died of dysentery. Next!
5) Hickory Sticks. Another east coast fave. Potato sticks, salt, hickory smoke. Charlie Sheen level win.
4) Ruffles All-Dressed. I'm a big fan of putting everything on something.
3) Doritos Something-Or-Other. I can't remember the name. Taco Supreme or something like that. They existed in the mid-90s. One time I was high on cigaweed and I could taste the damn meat.
2) Pringles Pizza Flavor. Yea, I don't know why this one gets me. But it does!
1) Lays Maple Moose. Speaking of tasting the meat...I don't even know if these chips were good. I could taste maple, moose, salt, picnic-table wood, corner dirt, lumberjack face shavings, pepper. What a fuckin' mess! Where but in Canada, man?

Short Answer: Oh, for my British readers, crisps.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Questions: Are you a shorts guy?

In terms of do I wear them, yes. Though I'm specifically a cargo shorts guy, so I can keep everything on me that during the winter months I keep in my purse.

I'm also a fan of when women wear shorts. Especially these days because it's now officially a trend where I am that women no longer know how shorts fit, and so they're exposing quite a bit of bum-stuffs.

Come to think of it, I also like it when dogs and horses wear shorts. Especially when horses wear those long surfer trunks, like after this they're going boogie boarding.

Short Answer: I also like shorts answers.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Question: Ever heard of a funny blog post?

Nooooo! What's that! A blog post? I've never heard of that!

If you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic. Or more accurately, that thing where you talk in a high-pitched voice like you're a woman in a British comedy sketch and you think you're being sarcastic and technically you are but it's super weak.

I hope I've said this before on blog, but if I haven't, I think you're due.

If this blog isn't funny, it's the question's fault. That's why I set it up this way. So nice work, man. You really fucked us on this one.

Short Answer: In all honesty and fairness, almost every other blog I've ever read is a dehumanizing piece of garbage. So I get why one might be skeptical. But this blog talks about poop a lot, so you're swinging wild.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Question: Ever heard of a Teint Parfait?


Gimme a second to Search Engine this.

Oh God! Oh dear God!

Just kidding. Of course I know what teint parfait is. It's French for 'perfect complexion' and is a phrase used in advertising and marketing for skin products and make-up lines.

As this is a leading question, I'll proceed with little caution.

Once, I made a taint parfait with your wife. The layers were:

(This is where the faint of heart may want to abort.)

My taint, a thin film of glistening, gluey sweat, then her taint. The friction was such that she had to walk like she'd been riding a horse afterward.

Okay, I'll be honest. I eased up on the taint parfait. I didn't include any hair, or seminal fluid, or runny, vag juices or...

Just realized I should've put the warning above that part. Oops.

Short Answer: Taint parfaits are just like regular parfaits, only creamier and with more live bacteria!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Question: Is my girlfriend hot enough?

Shit's about to get sexist, yo.

Though I suppose I was led into this, so I shouldn't be held accountable.

Does she have a fat back?
Does she have tan lines?
Does she have testicles?
Does she have a mustache?
Does she have a unibrow?
Does she have a wizard's sleeve?
Does she have muffin tops?
Does she smell like a dirty beach?
Does she have webbed toes?
Does she have opinions when no one asks and she obviously knows nothing about the subject?
Does she dislike how many 'yo mama' jokes you make?
Does she think a mouse infestation is cute?

If the answer to a single one of these questions is 'sorta' then you need to ditch her despite her hotness level. But if she's passed this initial test, you can go on to rate her like a piece of meat with no brains in her head.

This part's pretty simple.

Are her features symmetrical?
Does she walk in a way that seems particularly feminine?
Does she have boobs that sit up nicely and look large on her frame?
Does she have a bum that makes you want to grab on and cackle?
Is her face nice for looking at?
Do you get a big boner when you think about her naked?

If the answer to all these questions is 'most definitely' it's possible that you have a hot girlfriend.

Now, the final 'hot enough' test.

Has your girlfriend ever been slipped a note by a bus driver, asking her out?
On average, when you walk down the street with your girlfriend, does she get checked out at least once every two outings?
If she wears a shirt without a bra and walks through a bar, does every single man ogle her?
Do you sometimes get angry because you want to fuck her so bad?

If you answer these questions in the affirmative, then your girlfriend is hot enough. If she's never ridden the bus, sorry, she's ugly. That's just the way the test works. You asked.

Short Answer: All that matters is that she makes you horny. I'm not joking.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Question: Do you bloviate?

Well, I never...

This is pretty smart. You've employed a rarely used word here to imply that I am the sort of person that sucks on the dickies. I see it. I get it. I suck it.

Wait, wait, never mind that last one.

bloviate (for those not in the know, or FTNITK) is to talk at length, especially in an inflated or empty way. At least that's what Search Engine the First says. I thought it was giving a hummer to someone sitting on the toilet. But apparently that's actually called a lumpkin or a blumkin. Wish I'd come up with that. I'd have called it a squeezer.

Anyblarp, the moral of the story is that I tend to avoid bloviatiation. Some may disagree, but though I talk at length, I don't believe it is in an empty way. I won't talk if I have nothing to say. I really think I always have something to say. As for inflated, perhaps I do that a little more. Like I'll say, "I'm better than other people" and then I'll list the ways.

10) Average limp penis, above average erect penis.
9) Impressive palate for my age and economic status.
8) Quick thinker with a good memory and the ability to problem solve.
7) Wicked dude at fucky.
6) Seen Ice Pirates more than once.
5) Understands the value of the 'shandy' in our culinary world.
4) Once dickpunched a clown at a shopping mall.
3) Survived a surprise butthole fingerdrill from my evil wife.
2) Had some issues with Ironman 3.
1) Gave a homeless person a high-five.

Short Answer: If that's bloviatiatiation, then count me engorged!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Question: Is monogamy realistic?

It's realistic if it's me and your mom.

Don't get me wrong. Your mom is definitely a filthy whore. It's just that I've officially ruined her for other men, especially your dad who is really sad now.

Monogamy is realistic in the sense that it is something that happens in the real world. Personally, I find monogamy much more difficult in dreams. When I have sex in dreams, it's often with multiple people, or it's my wife and then it morphs into the Polkaroo, or someone I knew in high school is masturbating in the corner, or there's a wicker chair stacked with all of my former landlords.

I've always thought monogamy was a weird word for what it means. Sex with only one person for the rest of your life should be called something like 'uni-scalding' or 'mono-souldeath'. Monogamy sounds like what happens if you're really invested in driftwood furniture.

Speaking of driftwood, one time I had sex with your Mom while watching Beachcombers. When I ejaculated onto her fat back I yelled, "Danger Bay!"

Short Answer: Those last two were Canadian jokes.

Note: I've also given your mom the Air Wolf, 22 Minutes and a Corner Gas with my friend Street Doug.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Question: Hiney?

If we're talkin' 'bout the word, I've never been a huge fan. I guess it's pretty funny. Kinda like the 'dink' of the buttocks region.

Is there a vaginal equivalent to dink and hiney you ask?


If we're just talkin' 'bout whether I approve of the back end of things, I do.

Short Answer: I particularly like the hineys of thick, lovely women.

Note: Didn't think I'd really leave you hanging, did you? Dink, hiney, fanny. Though fanny only means the front-butt in England, it's still the closest grouping. I just grossed myself out.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Question: Who dat?

Though not exactly the same question, I'm going to include the entire answer from my August 10th, post.

'Question: Who dat, Who dat?

Errr...someone about to kill you for being a knob?

 Is this a song lyric or some sort of hip new way that the youths are communicating? I'm out of the loop, I guess.

Okay, okay, I Search Engined it and found out it may be a reference to an Iggy Azalea song, which I must admit I suspected. I had come across the song in a Social Media feed not too long ago. I swear if it wasn't for Social Media feeds I would be in a cave listening to Tiptoe Through the Tulips on a fucking phonograph.

Wait, that's a scene from Insidious. Oh, fuck. Apparently everything I say or do is from something else. Guess I need a bigger boat.

So, as for who dat is, I'm unsure. I can't understand most of the lyrics in the song, and since Weird Al put out 'Handy' everything I hear of Ms. Azalea's sounds like a parody of itself. That's what happens. Weird Al is an insidious monster.

I only thought to say that because I'd used the word insidious already in this post. That's disappointing. I'm now plagiarizing myself in real time.

I'm starting to think that I might be the dat whom the questioner is referring to.

Short Answer: Iggy Azalea makes me feel old and tired.'

I really enjoyed that answer when I re-read it, and not knowing the frequency with which people click on 'old links' when I post them, I figured I'd go ahead and make you read it.

If I were to attempt to answer this question today, I might go a different route. Dat is probably Rihanna exposing herself in some fashion, because it seems like every time I turn on any media, I see a part of her body that I didn't expect to see before marriage.

Short Answer: The answer to the question Who Dat? is most of Rihanna's boob.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Question: Could you provide us with a link to something better?


But you don't even know what I was going to say today.

Oh, alright...


To counteract the hurt I feel, I've posted something that is better than anything else that has ever existed on the internet.

Short Answer: Take that!

Bonus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8zFzShCvNQ

Friday, June 12, 2015

Question: A lot of people are dying.

And the award for most uplifting question without a question mark in the history of internet blogs goes to...

And the award for sarcasm goes to...

And the award for repetition goes to...

And the reward for typos goes to...

And the aardvark for tangential half-sentences goes to...

Yea. People die a lot. Stupid humans.

Short Answer: No information or insight I can give on the longevity of the human species. Everything we know might be wrong. Just found out there was a cannibalistic tribe out there that fended off mad-cow like diseases by eating brains. World is a crazy shit-heap.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Question: Is dipping your fries into your frosty wrong, acceptable, or amazing?

Don't let me ruin your buzz. If you want to dip things into other things, who am I to say you're wrong?

For me, cold don't go with hot. If your fries are hot, cold ice cream is weird. Ice cream is weird to me anyway, but you get the drift.

I would literally dip a fry into anything and try it, so don't think I haven't done this exact thing. I have. But I still prefer ketchup.

So I guess the answer is it's not wrong and not amazing. It is...acceptable.

Short Answer: I like to make fry-burgers. I get a cheeseburger...wait for it...and I open it up...hold on...and I put fries in it. Kerploppers!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Question: Why?

I'm surprised I don't get this question more often.

I did get it once before.


That was a pretty thorough answer.

Let's try to address the question another way.

Why do I do this? Because I like making people laugh, and it gets my writing mechanism going before I start my creative work for the day.

Why do I write offensive material? It's not offensive to me. I just use all the tools available to form the most entertaining and humorous results. If it offends you, there are plenty of other sites where you can get humour and/or advice.

Why is my color-scheme white on black? I thought it would look cleaner and enhance the idea that you only get words, here. No gifs, no pictures. Just essays.

Why am I in the bathtub in that picture? In all honesty it was simply the funniest picture I had of myself when I started the blog. I really like the way the bubbles look like a hat from a Dr. Seuss book.

Why do you do it every day? It just seems to be the appropriate format for getting people engaged with the work. As a fan, you know that there will be a new one every day, making it easier for you to make it part of your own routine. And as habit-forming goes, I find once a day works best for me. Also See: overeating and masturbation.

Short Answer: Why short answers? Because I thought it would be nice for people who didn't want to read through a lot of text to have an option. It morphed into something else along the way, rather than just a summary of the above article. Now, it's an opportunity for more jokes.

Note: Why notes? Just to give myself yet another opportunity to blabber on. Usually this is something I've missed during my first pass. Like including the word titties.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Question: What would make the world a better place?

Jesus. Big question.

The answer isn't Jesus. That was an exclamation. Though the answer might be Jesus, if he came back and was like, "No! No!"

It would go like this.

Everyone: Oh, hey! It's Jesus!
Jesus: No!
Everyone: We're just saying hi!
Jesus: No!

Something like that.

Here's how to make the world a better place, in a way that is easy to understand. I'm going to go through the five senses, the very mechanism that connects us to the outside world.

Smell: I posted about this recently. Identify your sense-memory smell connections and experience them regularly. If something reminds you of a wonderful time in your youth, you should have that shit in a bottle ready to dose yourself with nostalgia at the drop of a hat.

Sight: Look at things that challenge your brain. Everything is art if you're willing.

Taste: Eat food that is good. Even if you have the palette of an out-of-service dump truck, it's important to enjoy what you eat. It makes you happy, and then happy makes other people happy. It's like a plague of annoying buoyancy.

Hearing. Listen to more David Bowie. He was very original and influential and there was little pretension in his early work. He's a pure artist, and absorbing those ideals through your ears makes your head better. (Of course, you can find your own Bowie.)

Touch. This one's easy. Touch more people. If touching people makes you uncomfortable, touch people until you're less uncomfortable. Hugs, kisses, handshakes, encouraging pats on the back, congratulatory squeezes of the shoulder, flirtatious tugs of the hair, mouth to genital stimulation, full balls penetration, Eskimo kisses, Vulcan mind-melds and so on.

Short Answer: I know I'm not supposed to use the word Eskimo anymore. A retarded midget made me do it.

Note: "Find Your Bowie" would be a sweet t-shirt. But seriously, find your Bowie.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Question: My dog is always doing that butt-scrape thing on my carpets. What should I do?

If he's leaving poop streaks, you should get a new dog.

If not, you can probably leave him alone. It's pretty funny, right?

If it's not funny, there's something wrong with you. That's basically the moon walk for dogs. Do you not like the moon walk? Did you not get a kick out of watching a man defy physics? Are you dead inside?

If you're dead inside, you probably shouldn't worry too much about dogs. You need advice on how to make your life more livable, not how to keep your dog from doing the most awesome things dogs ever do. Maybe you should consider how lucky you are to have a companion at all, if you're as big a piece of shit as it seems like you are.

Short Answer: Stop being a piece of shit. Appreciate your loved ones. Get the carpets steam-cleaned twice a year. Advice over.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Question: Are you excited about the women's world cup?

Yes. After watching Canada's women kick all kinds of ass in the Olympics, I'm pumped to see how they're going to do this World Cup. Sadly, the bullshit with FIFA and Step Ladder is overshadowing the event right now. Hopefully that will change, especially now that the Champion's League is over as well.

Short Answer: I'm guessing the women will get more respect now that the guy who thought they should wear shorter shorts because they're pretty is out of our hair.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Question: Top ten yummiest smells?

What you're really asking me to do is somehow quantify 'yumminess'. This would be easier if it was just favorite smells, but gasoline doesn't really smell yummy by anyone's standards. So I guess I'll have to try a little harder.

Not just food, though. That would be boring. This could get weird.

Yummiest Smells

10) Baking bread. (Not the act of me baking bread, all sweaty with kneady dough fingers, I mean like the verb form as in when bread is in the midst of baking. Shit, this is going to take forever.)
9) My own farts. Yummy might not be precisely the correct word; it depends on what I ate.
8) Chocolate chip cookies/blueberry pie. Cookies is the classic, and it's also a sense-memory for me because every woman I've ever known (save my wife) has baked them. Pie is particular to me in terms of preference, but I didn't feel it deserved its own spot. Seriously, why am I writing so many words? I could've been done by now.
7) Rain smell. Technically it's not rain smell. It's the way things are supposed to smell when they're clean. It's actually 'world smell'.
6) Tennis balls. Barely yummy, yet the smell of a freshly popped can of balls makes me so very happy, that it comes around the horn to yummy. Also, freshly popped can of balls.
5) Forest. I guess it's pine specifically, but not super intense pine like you put a needle up your nose. (Not a heroin needle, a pine needle. Dad!) The pine that's mingled in with other tree smells and a hint of squirrel shits.
4) Slow-cooked meats. Stews come to mind. A friend of mine made a Guinness stew not long ago, and it was like entering the womb again. Or at least the kind of womb I assume I came from. A stew womb.
3) Coffee. Yea, the closer we get to the top, the more foods. I fucking love food. Coffee is a magical elixir, and it does something special to my nose. I think I like the smell of it more than the taste. (He said about coffee...)
2) Onions and bacon. This is a very specific one. It's the moment that onions and bacon are sautéing together, before either gets too far along in the caramelization process. Just pork fat and aromatics.
1) Pizza. Sorry to be predictable. All pizza smells like you should be eating already. When I make pizza at home, I'll often put some dried oregano on top of the cheese, just to get that really pungent oregano smell on top of all the other Italian goodness.

Short Answer: Honorable Mention: Other people's farts. Just kidding. Or am I?!!?!??

Friday, June 5, 2015

Question: Do you ever get excited about annotations?

Go fuck yourself.

Annotations mean editing. Either I'm doing it myself and it sucks the long ball, or someone is doing it for me and it makes me feel like my insides are made of poor choices and bad ideas.

I do, however, get excited about moving my projects along and getting close to the point of completion, so there's that.

You asshole.

Short Answer: I feel there was some sort of dig or possible irony in this question that I didn't understand. Oh, well. Poop bums!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Question: Your blog makes me smile almost every day (that execution post was not what I'd call 'smile-inducing'). What makes you smile?

This is going to be disappointing.

I'm a double-rainbow, roses and unicorns kinda dude. Pretty much everything makes me smile. From pretty puppies to the inherent stupidity of all mankind, I'm a smile a minute.

For example, the execution post made me smile. Or if I saw a bar called the Execution Post, I'd smile. Or if there was a real execution post in my town where they tied people up and fucking executed them, I'd think that was altogether too neat, hunky dory and peaches with cream.

Nature is my big one. I get a lot of joy going on walks and appreciating the shit out of that crazy bitch, with her pink blossoms and fuggin' sweet grass smell and all them dope-ass rain puddles! Damn, girl! You got some thickness!

I forgot what the fuck I was talking about.

Short Answer: Forgetting what the fuck I was talking about makes me smile.

Bonus List:

Things That Make Me Smile

10) When you think a pen might've run out of ink and it bounces back.
9) Pushing your chopsticks clean through the wrapper on the first go.
8) Not saying 'in bed' after I read my fortune, even after everyone else does.
7) Clearly frustrated children, so you think they're on the verge of laying an f-bomb.
6) Truck nuts with detailed scrotal indentation and/or troll doll hair.
5) Crossbar and in.
4) Pictures of my wife's boobs.
3) Spiders with rain drops for hats.
2) Dogs that wiggle their butts a lot when they walk.
1) Impending pizza.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Question: Big Trouble in Little China remake? Really? With the Rock? Come on!

I was just talking to some friends about a particular concept the other day.

I am the sort of person who doesn't think remakes are all that bad. If you're a fan of something, no poor knockoff can change the original. And you never know; you might end up with something new and fun that evokes some of the positives of that original.

But what we were talking about the other day was 'movies that don't need to be remade'. Some of these would be obvious. We don't need remakes of the Godfather or Jaws, I think we'd all agree upon that. It would be ridiculous to take the best movies ever made and try to improve upon them.

Besides the de facto greatest movies ever made, there exists a list of movies that are considered so good by some, that they fall into a similar category.

Big Trouble in Little China is definitely one of these movies. There is nowhere to go but down.

Here are a few more:

The Nowhere to Go But Down, Don't Fucking Remake These Movies List

Fight Club
Groundhog Day
Grosse Pointe Blank
The Usual Suspects
Back to the Future
The Princess Bride
The Breakfast Club
The Abyss
Dazed and Confused
Reservoir Dogs

I could go on. Get it? You might think that you could improve upon the above movies, but you'd be wrong. To try and pull a do-over on any of these movies would destroy their inherent greatness.

Short Answer: So fuck that. I don't care who's cast as Jack Burton, there's only one fucking Jack Burton and his name is Kurt Theodore Motherfucking Russell.*

*Note: I don't know Kurt Russell's middle name(s).

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Monday, June 1, 2015

Question: How many games will it take Tampa to win the cup and make the Blackhawks cry?

The answer is nine.

Because the only way that the Tampa Bay Lightning is going to win the Stanley Cup is if they play two more games after Chicago goes up 4-3.

Get it?

Chicago is going to win. I've been hinting at it all along. I've picked them to go through every time, and I'm not stopping now. Once Montreal was eliminated, all my eggs were in the Toews basket.

Short Answer: Experience, leadership and timely goaltending = Chicago in 7, if it even takes that long.